up and down.
i’m listening to… … fly to the sky, boa, drive like jehu.
i’m feeling… meh…
1:35 am — up and down up and down.
i feel like shit. like shit’s shit. like recycled, unattractive, undesireable, unwanted shit. i’m tired of giving. when will it be time to get an equal amount back? it’s not like i’m asking for a whole fucking lot. just more consideration once in a while. just to not feel like a chore. just to feel wanted and beautiful just for a few minutes at a time. for the first time in my life, i feel like i can give and put my own feelings at a halt to see someone else satisfied. i can drop my apathetic nature with regards to human beings and actually give more of a fuck than i have ever. but with that comes my own dissatisfaction… from being with someone who is more apathetic than i am. who doesn’t even try to make me happy, even when i hint at how simple it could be. “think of something to do,” i’ll say, “you better,” and even so, my attempts are fruitless. “it’s our anniversary in 10 days,” i’ll say, and he’ll say, “yay,” but not remember fuckshit when it comes down to it. and i don’t care… guys are known for not remembering that kind of crap. but then he has the audacity to say, “what month is it?” and then… “what, couples celebrate their third month?” when we have celebrated none. not only do you not remember, but you don’t even care. and you don’t even care that i care when i clearly do, seeing as how i brought it up three fucking times… at least.
and it’s possible to think that i’m asking too much, but i don’t think a little consideration is a lot to ask for. to hear for once, “oh, let’s do this,” instead of my having to come up with shit to do all the time or instead of my saying, “hey, we should hang out, all the time. and in all of my years, i have NEVER tried to come up with shit to do. because i don’t give a fuck. and i never have. but in this situation, i have, and i do, because it’s necessary. i do a lot of shit that isn’t necessary and it doesn’t matter because i’m happy to make the sacrifices really. but i’d just like to be asked sometime instead of being the asker. i’d like to be a desireable object to speak to instead of just some object. it’s always nice to have your actions and thoughts reciprocated, but they’re not, and i’ve been trying really hard… but it doesn’t even matter. cause there is no consideration beyond a couple of hours, and all there is cluelessness and apathy and a lack of desire to do anything more. i don’t care about driving half an hour, an hour, so long as i’m asked to be there. i don’t care about sitting home and doing nothing except for watching a movie so long as i’m asked to be there. it doesn’t even matter. i’m sick of extending into nothing. i’m sick of giving 249289328932913123 and getting 2.
i think all of my life encompassed at this moment is leading to my nerves being shot, my muscles cramped all the time, my body feeling like shit. everything is giving me stress. everything is me giving 2323% and getting a small fraction in return. with the magazine, with my relationship. it’s all, whatevers, and due to my i-don’t-give-a-fuck nature, i’m letting a lot of shit slide that tons of people would never let slide. and in the end all i can see is that i’m really fucking tired and i just want reciprocacy.