throwmeonthebackburner-itseasierforyou.
i’m listening to… fischerspooner, led zeppelin, the decemberists, wongmo, tangerine dream.
i’m feeling… alright.
1:58 am - throw me on the backburner cause it’s easier for you that way! yay!
“why is it easier to pick up the pen when i’m not happy? why is dilemma the aphrodisiac of the writer? i want to be happy. but i want to write. i am finding that when i’m content, i have less to write about. why is this? paradox. can there be a middle ground? and if so, will i find it?”
well said, mr. brandon boyd (in his book, fluffy white clouds, yay, lenny bought it for me) — and this here is why i idolized him as a writer. cause he… understands? i’m sure plenty of people have these thoughts and plenty of people write them down… but the main difference here is that he vocalizes them… because he can? what drew me to incubus in the first place wasn’t even their music. sure, it was great. it was good. but what drew me in were the lyrics, and how honest and open they were. stating personal flaws and struggles on a new level, rather than a, “oh no, some girl broke my heart” level every time.
i think in our society, people write as a form of therapy, sure, but it’s always hidden away in some diary or locked away in some chest. writing is therapeutic. i definitely think so. but people are so afraid to write beyond the obvious. not everyone, mind you… but most people are afraid of saying things like, i’m lonely, or i hate that i am so judgmental, or blahblahblah. mostly it is limited to simple things, like, boys are such dickheads, or this is what i read today, and it reminds me of how i am feeling, hoorah. it’s refreshing when people write down what they’re really feeling, what their shortcomings are, what their insecurities are… because it’s so rare.
that being said, however, i think xanga and internet mediums such as that have led to people popularizing their diaries and writing them in a forum where everyone can read. this leads some people to concluding, “shit, kids are so emo nowadays… they’re fucking pussy… all they write about is how bad things are,” etc. i’ve heard it. but i don’t think that’s it. i just think that the internet has given people a chance to say things that they were scared to say. sure, people like attention, but i think the fact that people are reading and the fact that other people post things about their lives just makes people braver. granted, these things are still highly limited to the things i mentioned earlier, and still… very few are reflections of the true self.
and the communication only improves on the digital front, really… i think most people are still too afraid to say any of those things in person — even the watered-down internet half-assed versions — which sucks. the digital age has stifled our abilities to communicate like real people. the phone is becoming a foreigner. real people aren’t even necessary for some to feel sane. it’s not right.
anyway, as mentioned previously… most people tend to write when their moods are at extremes. and perhaps when you are happy, you’re busy, or something else is occupying your mind. happy posts don’t have as much of an impact as sad posts do anyways. happy posts are like… okay… rather than sad posts, which are like… OMG… hence they are more well-remembered and more paid attention to, since most people find the need to say something when someone else is sad, rather than when someone else is happy. it’s like waiting in traffic… you only notice that your lane is going slower when it’s going slower, not when it’s going faster. people love to focus on the negative.
not to say that i am any different. my best work stems from being negative. it is negativity that gives me the ability to create — be it in a written or visual way. it’s pathetic… but that’s the way it is, and that’s the way it always has been. from the first poem i wrote in 6th grade or something, sitting in the computer room crying and thinking about dying and why i was lonely and shit… i admit it, i have been motherfucking emo from day one. and i don’t really care. that’s just the way it is and always will be.
i don’t know where this rant came from. and i’m not really sure that it really went anywhere, but oh well!
on another note… i’ve realized to me that when i find someone with potential, and the potential it not being used, it… bothers me. it bothers me because it seems like so many people could be so much more, but they’re just not trying. they just don’t care and are content to be content. and that, i have found, is evil. now the problem lies here: … at what point should i start caring? is it any of my business that these people are squandering their time?… why does it bother me so much? if they are content in the here and now, should that be enough? i don’t know. i think through the years i have had enough people say, “hey, this thing you did changed my life,” or “hey, this thing you did made me think twice about blah,” where i somehow get the idea that maybe all some people really do need is a push here or there… but not everyone wants that, and is it in my right to even try?
i think i have tmj. lockjaw. but i’m not sure. i probably should get it checked out, but when?
ambient music is… awesome.
i’ve been listening to the radio a lot just because i happened to take my cd’s out of my car. meh. it’s whatevers for the most part. really late at night, though, it’s sometimes cool to see the random shit that comes up… i especially like when they play older stuff that you like that you usually would never hear on the radio. it’s like… refreshing. i really like the… whatever, rockabilly, dancehall, swing type stuff… i don’t even know what it is really, but i like the fat bass licks and the voices… and it’s just good. the “stray cat strut” by the stray cats or whatever came on the other night, and i have to say, it was the only time in a long time that the radio has sounded so good.
adam brought over “guitar hero” today and played some of that. it is actually rather fun, but i think i may just get sick of it sometime.
had a meeting with a bunch of randomz yesterday to talk about advertising. so far, there are about… seven people on the advertising ‘team’. seriously, if ads aren’t sold this time, i just don’t know wtf. there is sooo much shit to do. i don’t know what i’m doing. i think all of my health problems are caused by stress. how to fix?
i might take a job @ little nickel… if i get it. it’s not a lot of money… $12.50, which is better than my current job, @ $12… but it’s full benefits for 34 hours/week, and benefits are really what i want. the shift is from 5PM to 5AM monday thru wednesday. graveyard. X: hopefully, the job could go somewhere else, cause i happen to know the chick who is doing the interviewing and shit (although someone else will be doing my interview), and she started out working the job i’m hoping to take, and she now runs a lot of shit there… and she has a literary publication that she prints there for COST. so… hopefully it works out. 12 hours a day is a lot, but i like that it’s only on three days. so, we’ll see how it goes. hopefully i don’t die or something… from stress and lack of sleep, that is. SHIT MAN. I HAVE SO MUCH FUCKING WORK TO DO THIS FUCKING WEEKEND, MOTHERFUCKER. X: this past week all i have been doing really is working… working and playing games. wait, that’s just like usual…?
i’m so tired of the poor communication lenny and i have. it’s not right. and it’s not at all calming. it puts me on edge, if anything. like a one-person, three-ring, circus sideshow [tool - aenima] — that’s what i am. it all goes back to being too comfortable… comfortable to the point where you don’t care to try. i don’t think i’m there, though. if anything i have gotten the point of discomfort. but he might be.
i need to read up on taoism or something. just fucking… go back to my ways of not fucking giving a fuck. taoism, where everything just is, and essentially, none of your fucking business. what matters is only in your immediate realm of self. i like that. maybe believing that will help the stress will go away. maybe learning to breathe will help the stress go away (i find that often times, i forget to breathe).
maybe i should just become a pothead. jokes, of course.
for 27 years, i’ve been trying to believe and confide in
different people i’ve found.
some of them got closer than others -
some wouldn’t even bother
and then you came around.
i didn’t really know what to call you;
you didn’t know me at all,
but i was happy to explain.
i never really knew how to move you,
so i tried to intrude through
the little holes in your veins.
and then i saw you…
but that’s not an invitation;
that’s all i get.
if this is communication,
i disconnect.
THE CARDIGANS - COMMUNICATION.