the grass is moldy on this side. and swinger parties.
i kind of want to just lose control for once. even when i do drugs, i am perfectly in control… i know what i’m doing nearly always. it’s really actually a good thing, but i don’t know, for once i’d like to just be irresponsible almost, and to give into whatever primitive thoughts i may have. i think i’ve done it once. and regretted it. so i suppose, why would i want to give into impulses again? maybe because i’ve not done it a few times and also regretted it. arr, i don’t know. maybe all it is is simply a case of the grass being greener on the other side.
but it’s tiring sometimes — always being on top of things and yet not necessarily having them work out, i guess. i just want to not think for a little bit and deal with the consequences of my actions later. live life, you know, care-free. with, as bad as it sounds, no concern for others or for myself. or as close to that as possible. i just find that in a few instances when i am not impulsive and hold back, i am left wondering later about what would have happened if i had been impulsive. but, again, it all goes back to thinking too much about my actions.
recently, i was talking to one of my friends from high school who had started attending swinger parties. honestly, the whole thought of it is pretty fucking disgusting. essentially what you do is show up at this hotel or whatever, and in the beginning, it’s pretty much a normal party. there are food and people. you talk. but then that’s where it changes… if you make a connection with someone (think speed-dating x 400), you go into a room and fuck. you can reject people by saying no, but they might come creeping back later (see next paragraph).
the rooms have open doors, and so you can see other people fucking. then, while you may be fucking someone, other people can come in and try and get a turn with you. um, fucking sick. sick. sick. but yeah, people can line up next to you and it’s possible that while you’re um, in the heat of the moment, you don’t care what you fuck or who you fuck and end up giving leeway to your initial impulses to not do anything with a disgusting person. gross. so yeah, that’s the nature of these parties really… they’re moderately “safe” — as safe as it is fucking a random person on the street — since they use condoms.
it’s all really disgusting. there’s really no way around that.
but on the flip side… i do wonder… what kind of mentality must she have to have such a lack of concern for consequences? she’s a smart girl, and she jokingly says that due to her actions, she will likely contract something and die early. and none of that seems to matter, really. all of this is done in a quest for attention and for instant gratification.
this is an extreme example, of course, but what does it feel like to be able to lose control like that? it makes me curious. those parties are not something i would ever do (although i would honestly consider going to see what it’s like haha… while eating crackers cookie-monster style — none of the food going into the mouth — over people having sex and dropping crumbs on their faces), but even on a very base, very dumbed down level… what is it like? tell me?!