so i guess i am trying to write in here everyday.
12:00am
music: bijou - i know, double - cloudy sky, massive attack - man next door, thievery corporation - indra.
it is damn hard, dude. sigh.
today we interviewed a guy @ work to see if he might be a good fit as a ruby developer. turns out he was not. which blows really hard, cause now they expect me to code ruby. i hate coding. like, seriously. and i guess it’s really hard to find ruby developers right now cause everyone wants them. go figure. maybe it is a good skill to learn. but i fucking hate coding. just saying. i do expect them to pay me more money if i have to learn that shit, though. i’m talking, like, at least $25/hr. meh. cause i mean, eff that otherwise. you know? i guess i pay the price for being AHEAD on my work. lame. just because everyone else is slow as balls. and you know what, i should be getting more money as it is right now anyway, because no one told me i was going to be managing two people. eff that. :L
so much to doooooooooo.
by the way, i hate guys. we were watching “so you think you can dance?” in the living room today… we being alex, lenny, andy, and i. every other word out of them was, “would you do her?”, “those pants make me want to do her”, “would you like to wear her as a hat?”
why are guys such pigs. AAGHHHH.
anyway, here is what i was writing yesterday as i was watching “the bothersome man”:
i wonder if this lack of change is due to the fact that i’ve written down all thoughts and, as a result, somewhat have engraved them so that whenever i was asked, “what is your opinion on this and that?” they’d be cranked out, thoughtlessly, like a machine.
right now, i’m watching this norweigan movie, “the botherseom man.” so far, so weird. i don’t even have time to watch films, really, but since SIFF is in town, i feel obligated to. cause i get free movies up the wazu, so i force myself to watch them. this year, only the few i’m rented dvds of have been good — the others have generally been just okay. reviews available at http://www.redefinemag.com/film/ 
two months ago (or less), we were at a friend’s house partying it up. everyone was drunk off their ass, so i took much video. i’m typically sober but i took like two shots that night, therefore, i was drunker than usual. but i was still definitely more sober than everyone else. anyway, afterwards a lot of people told me not to edit the videos and put them up because they didn’t want to be fired from their jobs. well, excuse me for possibly being naive, but i find that to be outrageous. jobs are not always fun, but i mean, they shouldn’t hold you HOSTAGE. the idea that money and success are greater than your own desire to live is not really something i’d ever be okay with.
it’s one thing to do something you hate for a living; it’s another to be okay with staying there.
that being said, not everyone is always fortunate enough to HAVE choices, which is precisely why people like us who DO have choices should do something about it.
anyway, lately i’ve decided i really want to go abroad to teach english. maybe south america, maybe china. either way, though, i kind of envy people w ho can drop everything, pick up, and leave to do that. i fear i am much too nostalgic and perhaps worrisome. going away to do stuff like that for 1 week is one thing, but for 6 months or a year seems rewarding and sacrificial at the same time. i’ve daydreamed with a few people about doing that — being nomads, in a way, and just floating from country to country, living and learning about the world and its people.
the thing is, no one is ever open to doing that. you know? everyone says, “yeah, it’d be great,” but the truth is most people can’t even take off one week to do something or go somewhere.
perhaps i just don’t understand the 9-5 trappings and its appeal. i don’t think i ever will. growing up, everyone told me to, “get a good job so that people will think you’re successful,” blahblahblah. i’d rather create my own success. screw sucking on the bottom of someone’s shoe if you don’t even like doing it. i find this particularly hard for asian communities to swallow becauseit seems all they care about is measuring success in terms of material wealth. what’s the point? as long as you’re not starving that is… there’s more to life than working. there should be a one month required vacation leave for people in the u.s., like there is in europe. lucky bitches.
(ps - don’t get tim’s jalapeno chips near me. i will devour. i seriously just do not know when to quit.)
anyway, and i know i’m not just thinking this because i’ve talked to people who have this kind of… “i want to do good but first i need to make money doing something,” mentality all the time. perhaps it is because they are males and think that in that macho way they need to stock up to be providers. maybe i don’t understand that because i’ve never been with a guy who has provided for me, rofls. it’s always been the other way around.
sometimes i wonder what the point of collecting all this information and talking to all these people is. i’m not sure if it helps me really understand people better. people are damn mysterious. who can EVER understand them?