right about now…
8:12 pm
just about now
sleeping all day seems okay
i’m invisible,
words i say just fade away.
are my intentions so bad?
so vile, so base –
that offense is always taken
but i can’t take the offense
and i’m not the only one
with the occasional shitty word to say,
but i’m always making apologies,
feeling bad for this and that
when who else is thinking twice –
thinking twice about this brat?
for they won’t even adress me by my name –
it’s the fairy tale gone haywire,
the hero getting slain.
left behind, unadvancing
feelings of inferiority slowly clamping
down on one leg to cripple
an already stunted organism.
bleeding from the pores,
half a limb falling off,
an animal on the defensive,
defensive to the core.
i’m hurt.
and powerless,
with no one saying i’m good.
there’s no saving grace
and no one to say
you’re good,
you’re great,
you’re okay.
it’s been a long time since i’ve written a poem, perhaps because i have been fairly pleased up until now, i suppose? but lately i guess i’ve been feeling invisible. people make me feel bad about things but they’re no better… it’s just that they never saw it to begin with, so they can only cast out blame. my example is with alex [bennett] i suppose, who used to spend a lot of time with his girlfriend before they broke up… much more than i spend with lenny, at that. we’d always wonder where he was, and why he wasn’t back more often. i make a conscious effort to spend time at home, because i feel bad not being at home every so often to hang out, and whatever. but how can he say that i never spend time at home and make me feel bad about it? and then now that him and andy [crossett] are uber buddy buddy, i always feel left out. it’ll be the three of us and alex will address andy by his name, saying, “hey andy, what should we do now?” i’m never even in the mix. we’ll go out to dinner and i’ll be trailing behind while they are buddy buddy. i suppose it is natural that when people spend more time with one another, they become closer. but that is just lame, cause it’s not like i want to sit in his room all day just because andy does. and i just think it’s mean… mean only cause it should be obvious that it is mean. i often take the extra step to trail behind and make a random person who is in the migrating party who is alone feel welcome — on one such occasion, it was alex, i, andy, and andy [zhang], and i trailed behind the whole time trying to make small talk with andy — although i don’t know him well or have much to talk to him about — feel welcome, or at least feel like he had a buddy. andy and alex didn’t even try — just led the way in their la la world with no concern for other people. yet… alex always manages to make me feel bad for “not being home” or whatever. why should i be the only person to feel bad? at least i’m making an effort. it makes me feel really bad, though… i just want to sulk.
people say that groups of three always results in one person being left out, but i don’t believe that is true, cause i know what it was like to be in a group of three where everyone was alright. but why do people place so much guilt on the “guilty” when they are guilty too? it’s just not fair.
man this post used to be a fuck10ad l0nger but i just accidenta11y de1etd m0st 0f it!! SHIT. dumb…