one year past.
i’m listening to… the mars volta.
i’m feeling… :/1:58 am - in the past year, i have written less than two pages of content in this journal. i’m not sure what’s going on… i think it’s just being busy with everything that makes it difficult to write.
i’m having a really difficult time with things. everything FEELS right, more or less, but just isn’t working out the way i’d like it to. ha.
all these years i’ve thought that “doing things you want to do” would be easy. trying hard enough would put you there. believing enough would get you there. but it doesn’t necessarily. luck and strategic thinking are huge parts… and not everyone has it. i’m beginning to think my abilities are lacking. why did i try in the first place? i don’t know where i am going with anything and everything seems to end up in faillure. the negative things outweigh the positive things by far. i’m just about ready to give up. exhausted. people may admire that i am doing what i want to do and shit. but a lot of people do that… and a lot of people succeed in doing it. i’m not sure that i will, and i have no one to blame but myself. i am incapable and i can do nothing correctly… i’ve always known myself to be mediocre. a jack of all trades… master of none. but i always thought, “hey, i’m good enough to pull this off. because i believe in it…” i’m not good enough. i’m so tired and i’m having a hard time finding the will to keep up. i know i would detest the 9-5 lives so many people live, but i am unable to facilitate my dreams. that leaves me with nothing. just a failure and a wreck. it sounds dramatical, but the amount of sacrifice i have put into all this and continue to put into all this is something that no one who has not gone through the same thing would even begin to understand. i always think, “hey, i have something better here than other people do,” but in the end, maybe i’m just delusional. i see people without opinions, and i think, “they’re weak.” maybe in the end, i’m just as weak. my opinions exist but get me nowhere. at least those who don’t think are happy. i’m not.
valentine’s day is tomorrow… and with this, i am having a bit of a difficult time as well. i’ve always been one to express my feelings through actions and not so much words. i like holidays and i like birthdays, because i like to give people things. i don’t know how else to show people that i appreciate them. i’m awkward and lack the ability to say things that i might think. from day one, i’ve shown people i care from doing things and making things. folding stars. making newspapers. cooking meals with my limited ability. making making making. planning planning planning. letters recapping memories. it’s been my motto that, if you care about someone, take the time to show it rather than say it.
of course, everyone agrees, but few people act upon this philosophy.
i’ve never been like typical girls in the sense that i need expensive things or flowers or diamonds. i don’t care. you don’t need to buy me shit for me to be happy. just give me a card. just give me some time. plan something. anything. even if it’s watching a movie. even if it’s cooking a meal. i don’t give a fuck… it is so hard for me to have a boyfriend who does not plan. anything. not for a birthday. not for an anniversary. not even when i ask. sighhhhhhhhhhhh. i don’t care. i just want to know that you thought of me at least once without me forcing you to by saying hi or by visiting. if even asking can’t get the message across, then i don’t know what’s left to do. it’s really not hard. i’m easy. all i’ve ever wanted was to be loved. from the day one. in a tangible way. words don’t mean shit if they’re not backed up.
no one has ever shown love in a tangible way. no one ever shows that kind of forethought. there are no surprises here. no one cares… and i hate to say it, but the lack of being on the receiving end is making me cynical. i don’t want to try anymore. all of my efforts seem to go in vain.
i give picture frames with family collages that sit around the house unused. i get packages with bills from parents without so much as a word saying hi. birthdays equate to near nothing. i think i got one card this year. they take two seconds to write. i forget how old i am sometimes because nothing ever reminds me. presents are hidden away unremembered. important dates go by without being remembered. those who i consider my good friends (not all of them, mind you, but a good % in the years past) don’t so much as give me a nod for my birthday. no one remembers.
everyone knows me and everyone thinks i’m great, blahblahblah. fuck it. in the end, it all just equates to mediocrity. like everything. when given the chance, people just get in their negative comments anyways.
four years ago i would have written down everyone’s birthday and tried to contact everyone accordingly. i would have cared enough to handdraw cards and custom-make sculptures for everyone. but i find that year after year, i care less. no one cares, so why should i? right? :/
i know that certainly not everyone can react in such a way. i know. not everyone thinks in terms of giving presents or making time out of their days. but the irritation comes from the fact that no one does. never.
it’s not right… but oh, the futility. the humanity. i don’t think i have felt this fragile ever. the epitome of all things combined makes it a very difficult time for me. a time of lack of reason to continue.
i try to move on;
nothin’ left to hurt me now.
i hope it’s all in the past to stay.
just tryin’ to see through
all the fucked up shit we do,
and hope that we all don’t drift away.
so now i stand here
to sing another song for you
about the pain i felt before;
now there’s nothing i can do.
so now i stand here,
with nothing left to say to you.
and if you all could sing along,
it might help me make it through.
STAIND - LET IT OUT.