november 2002
november 21st, 2002 (domestic violence)
in criminal justice today we had a guest speaker come in. she is this lady who does animated documentaries about topics like crime and domestic violence and murder and stuff. hella fucking interesting. cartoonized documentaries man. way cool. waaaay cool. =)
so as for domestic violence… it’s a topic that’s been revolving around my mind quite a bit lately. it’s not that new to me… and i just can’t understand the reasons that women stay in abusive relationships. but i’ve been trying to research these things and find out why, because it just doesn’t make much sense to me. =/
i will report more when i find out more information, but stuff i did learn today:
- one third of women have been abused sometime in their life. (crazy).
- abusive men are sometimes more intimate. (wtf?)
- abusive men are very dependent.
- abuse men very likely have been abused sometime in their lives or witnessed it.
- women average leaving their husbands seven times before actually leaving.
- 90% of women who are homeless are there because of abuse.
=/ i am going to do some research soon… =/
—
november 21st, 2002 (face of the day =/)
i’m listening to… “heaven” bai lee junghyun [korean drum’n'bass], “ready, steady, go” bai paul oakenfold [breakbeats], “summer romance” bai incubus [jazzy rock], “adhesive” bai the stone temple pilots [alternative rock], “the blind man” bai mono [trip-hop], “no day but today” bai brown eyes [korean r&b], “last summer night” bai kang ta [korean folk rock], “torn apart” bai stabbing westward and wink [elektronik rock].
i feel… stuffed.
10:59 pm — man… it’s uncanny how different of tastes a lot of non-asians have towards asian people. like… on deviantart.com a lot of people always give this one hella ugly girl all these comments about how sexy she looks *shudder. =/ yeuk. it’s uncanny. almost as uncanny as my lack of cs skillz. =/
so i rearranged my whole schedule… … =( so the schedule you saw from before is no longer correct. i will post the new one if ever i finish it. i rearranged everything in hopes that i can get into art 121… =/ that class i only offered once a year and i decided that i am going to try going for graphic design… because a lot of people are going for it and shit, if they are trying, i might as well too. i don’t think i am so much worse than them, if worse at all. that’s sort of like my dream job too >__< i just hope i can get in. but in the meanwhile, i’m going to take sociology classes and apply for that. maybe i can double major or something… hmm… i don’t know if that’s possible. guess soc is like a fall-back-on major. so yeah… took a while but i finally figured it out… don’t know why i never thought of these things even though it was right under my nose.
i’ve been having interesting conversations with people lately… about life in general. =/ me and eva concluded that there are just some people who lack direction in life and always have, really, and so it doesn’t bother them all that much. but as for us, because we always sort of had direction (growing up in suburbia, i suppose), a sudden lack of direction is a little mind-boggling and well, annoying and depressing. well i’ve been a little bothered for the past couple of months… but now that i finally kind of have an idea about what i want to do, it is quite refreshing.
i’m so tired; i’ve been going to bed at like seven or eight everyday this week. =/ mad craziness. =/ oh well.
jesus… and the spawn soundtrack is the freaking dopest thing ever =/
i
hate
when
guys
call
me
baby.
what the hell man. r-e-s-p-e-c-t’s the word, you motherfucka!
i’m laying off the drugs, for serious this time. it’s been like three weeks of sobriety, and although that may not seem like much for many, it is a lot for me. and you don’t know the extent of peer pressure also… it’s not like i am never offered. it really feels a lot better without. i feel more motivated, more clear-headed… something like that. i’m getting back in the haps of my normal self and i like it this way.
—
november 20th, 2002 (bags under my eyes)
i’m listening to… freya lin’s “all for him” album [chinese], shunza album [chinese].
i’m feeling… freaking so tired!! =(
links of the day — http://www.hekkuli.org/~hekkuli/flash/. some cool time-consuming things on there. and http://www.spikything.com/ has some cool flash games too… wah… time consuming galore.
5:33 am — i think this is my most inconsistent journal updating in a long time. haha. i’m so lame. oh well. man my sleep schedule is so fucked up. well anyways, here’s my schedule for next quarter:
| Monday | Tuesday | Wednesday | Thursday | Friday | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 8:30 | |||||
| 9:00 | |||||
| 9:30 | GIS 130 A CMU B027 |
GIS 130 A CMU B027 |
GIS 130 A CMU B027 |
||
| 10:00 | |||||
| 10:30 | |||||
| 11:00 | |||||
| 11:30 | SOC 271 AG THO 134 |
SOC 271 AG THO 134 |
|||
| 12:00 | |||||
| 12:30 | SOC 271 AG KNE 130 |
SOC 271 AG KNE 130 |
SOC 271 AG KNE 130 |
||
| 1:00 | |||||
| 1:30 | ENGL 198 X LOW 115 |
ENGL 198 X LOW 115 |
ENGL 198 X LOW 115 |
||
| 2:00 | |||||
| 2:30 | PHIL 120 AC GWN 301 |
PHIL 120 AC SAV 341 |
PHIL 120 AC GWN 301 |
PHIL 120 AC SAV 341 |
PHIL 120 AC GWN 301 |
| 3:00 | |||||
| 3:30 | |||||
| 4:00 |
anyways, i was chatting online for a bit after registration yesterday and then freaking a… 8 am is the worst time to try to fall asleep ever. it’s so freaking noisy outside… makes me glad i’m not a light sleeper… cause then i’d wake up at eight every morning… well, that WOULD be a good thing, if i weren’t such a lazy pig. =( i’m sort of thinking maybe i should just hurry up and fall asleep right now before the freaking sun comes up and i can’t sleep but… i can’t sleep. =(
blah… meeting new people is good. i think i need to get out more; i’m losing all communication skills i have or did ever have, i swear to god. -__-; SAD… sad life of mine.
sigh.
i need a life.
and lots of other things.
i hope xinlei is okay… i hope you’re okay.
i need a guy who can challenge me, teach me, entertain me. i need someone who i can learn from… someone who’s not so different that we can’t relate but is different enough to tell me and teach me things i don’t know. someone i can talk about about anything and everything, not like some of the motherfuckers i know who i can’t talk to about anything serious… or who i talk to about anything serious and they’re just like… whatever… chi. don’t know. sigh. sigh sigh sigh. too many guys i meet here lack substance. yuk. turnoff deluxe. =/
haha janine just called me morbid because i showed her the egg pic. hahahaha… morbid kids… =P like the old days. miss the cali kids, really. so hard to keep in touch with everyone because there are so many people… sigh. my life is so directionless… and it doesn’t bug a lot of people, but it bugs the shit out of me. who would ever want to be an adult anyways? jeez. responsibilities, emotions, blahblah. no fun. i never wanted to be an adult when i was little. weirdos.
(xinlei’s response:)
thanks vivian i am fine sorry when you called me i was at my friends apartment and he was good friends with the girl who died this weekend and i didnt know what to say to him at all ~ i felt so terrible because there’s really nothing you can say and i felt like i was making it worse anyway i just thought of you when i found out. and i work on the school paper and they wanted to know about what happened but it felt so inappropriate for me to tell them anything so i just gave them her name… 
she was only 19 and she lived near my dorms last year and she had braces and she worked at the coffee place by the student centre and one of my friends had a big crush on her last year and she died, it seems really surreal. apparently she overdosed on e, i’m pretty fuzzy on the details, but the guys that supplied it and were partying with her, they are now being charged with homicide… her family is taking is pretty hard, as you could probably imagine. it’s just really tragic. :/ anyway sorry i left you that harried message but i immediately thought of you and i was just in bed so i called you 
okay take care miss vivian i love you very much and you are such a dear friend and i dont know what i would do if anything ever was to happen to you, honestly .
—
november 17th, 2002 (cheering in my head)
i’m listening to… — the crystal method’s “tweekend” album [big beat].
i’m feeling… pain in the eyeballs.
i’m hella diggin… counterstrike. sigh. huk. blah.
4:23 am — so instead of listening to the crystal method and aphrodite firsthand at my now favorite venue (the old northgate theatre), i sit here listening to the crystal method on my walkman and going blind staring at the computer. seriously, this is the longest i’ve sat in front of the computer screen straight for a long time. =X i’ve been playing counterstrike for the last… five hours, at least. =X freaking sad… but i think it’s really easy to play it a lot. goals:
- to be a counterstrike pro by the end of the year.
- to be blind by the end of the month.
well, the second is not really a goal… more like a likelihood. you know… this staying up until 4:00 am pattern was the same one i had last night when we went to [baller-]steve’s and everyone else smoked out of the new bong the boys bought… and passed out… i got a sort-of contact high, but yeah… everyone passed out and once again i was playing counterstrike until 4:00 am. hahaha. when seungbum passed out (because we usually switch off), i was cheering like a maniac in my head at how it was mine… all mine! =)
—
november 14th, 2002 (itsa-me-ah)
i’m listening to… “i’ll catch you” bai the get-up kids [rock], “ama oto (rmx)” bai skoop on somebody [japanese], “give me your love” bai rich [korean], “more than you know” bai out of eden [christian].
i’m feeling… hukkity. =) >__<
10:04 pm — so like… technically i suppose i should be rejoicing but i’m feeling quite odd. i always miss the deadlines for my communications 202 homework assignments… and i barely ever go to section… but i have an 80 in the class. fucking a man. if i went to class, i would have like a 90. -__-; hukimajity. >__<;
11:34 pm — it seems japanese people like jazzy drum’n'bass quite a bit. perhaps i am wrong, though. anyways. my computer has even less space now (like 350 mb) because i downloaded more empee3’s, installed adobe illustrator, and… yeah. i have found a new stupid thing to be excited over: adobe photoshop brushes… they’re so fauking cool ~ when i have time i’m going to play around more with them… wish i were less tired all the time so i could have more time to do shit… well… i’m gonna go pass out and then clean this fauking room and do some studying (idealistically). peace.
1:56 am — you know those people who you wouldn’t trust with any of your belongings? the type that you would never give your keys to, never lend a cd to, never let drive your car, never let borrow your clothes? those idiots who make you slap your forehead and think, “what a godamn idiot?” those dumbasses that make you laugh your ass off because of their stupidity? yeah. that’s me.
to hell with self-worth when you have little.
something never comes, never leads to nothing.
* FoO FIGHTERS - ALL MY LIFE *
november 13th, 2002 (distract me)
i’m listening to… “brown paper bag” bai roni size [drum’n'bass], “i ain’t mad at cha” bai 2pac [rap], “space cowboy” bai n’sync [pop].
i’m feeling… stuffy-nosed… the pattern of the past week or so X__o.
11:34 pm — i can’t believe that people buy books on etiquette. it seems ridiculous to me that people would waste money on reading what some other PERSON thinks that they should say, do, act, feel, think. fuck that shit. -__- i haven’t decided yet whether i am liberal or conservative. i remember taking those liberal / conservative tests in high school and in my civics class, i was the most liberal one… but i really don’t think i am all that liberal about things X__o not sure, really. wondering if i should start up my thoughts page again. some girl actually wrote me an e-mail saying that that was her favorite section of my page. hard to believe that someone actually read it. i think i will start it up again though… i don’t have enough distractions X__o
eating thaiger room’s bean sprout deluxe leftovers from yesterday. SOOOO SOOOO SOOOO yum ^__^
2:15 am — i can’t believe i chatted on directconnect chat for so long. i am pathetic beyond compare. need to stay up for a while tonight to study for criminal justice midterm tomorrow and finish communications hw. pz.
—
november 12th, 2002 (survey says!)
i’m listening to… “without you” bai kiss [korean], “janeiro” bai solid sessions [trance], “like this” bai dj greddy (not really bai him) [breaks], “phantom of the opera theme” [musical music], “bios-fear” bai stakka + skynet [drum’n'bass], “born to bounce” bai brooklyn bounce [house], “aurora” bai foo fighters [rock].
i’m feeling… fauking sick.
10:12 pm — i am in love with legolas from lord of the rings (the skinny arrow-shooting elf). someone please buy me a poster of him X__o it would make my life. okay, not really, but yeah. i just watched the first lotr movie on my computer (again) and now i am swOoning (again). ^__^ he is so sexy… and beautiful. >__<; well because i have nothing worthwhile to say today, i shalt do a survey i found in liz’s journal. it’s ben a long time since i’ve done one O__o; i am doing this one because… it’s pretty. =X
// series one - as usual
– Name: vivian hua
– Birthdate: december 20th, 1983
– Birthplace: queenz, new york… i’m technically a ghetto gal.
– Current Location: livermore, california and seattle, washington. blahblah.
– Eye Color: dark brown.
– Hair Color: jet black because i dyed it that way… well, it’s kind of fading…
– Righty or Lefty: righty, unfortunately. i like the way left-handedness looks. =X
– Zodiac Sign: sagittarius.
– Innie or Outtie: innie… but i think if i had an outtie i would ignore this whole question O__x
// series two - describe
– Your heritage: chinese-american.
– The shoes you wore today: my black volatile platform sneakers with grey and red trim… i lava them.
– Your hair: past my shoulders… and well, i need a haircut.
– Your eyes: uh… i think my eyes are pretty. =X
– Your weakness: when. i. like. someone. i. am. stupid.
– Your fears: becoming REALLY old, knives… and some other stuff.
– Your perfect pizza: cheese and mushrooms… lots of mushrooms ^__~
– One thing you’d like to achieve: learning chinese and korean better. writing a book. designing magazine pages. etc. etc. a billion and a half thing.
// series three - what is
– Your most overused phrase on aol\aim: “ic”
– Your thoughts first waking up: “i want to sleep.”
– The first feature you notice in the opposite sex: hair and clothes.
– The best Name for a Butler: wtf?! jeeves.
– Your best physical features: i told you. i like my eyes.
– Your bedtime: any time from 10 pm to 8 am. hahahaha.
– Your greatest fear: heh. =P
– Your greatest accomplishment: heh.
– Your most missed memory: family memories.
// series four - you prefer
– Pepsi or coke: coke but whatever… i don’t really like either.
– McDonald’s or Burger King: mcdonald’s.
– Single or group dates: both are fine. but i barely remember this thing you call a date it’s been so long. -__-;
– Adidas or nike: adidas.
– Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: nestea, i think.
– Chocolate or vanilla: chocolate.
– Cappuccino or coffee: cappuccino… wOo… i want to SMELL coffee… that’s right, not drink it, but smell it. =X
– Boxers or briefs: whatever.
// series five - do you
– Smoke: yup. cigarettes and weed.
– Cuss: what do you think, you fuck?!
– Sing well: i think i do, but my ears may decieve myself.
– Take a shower everyday: yeah, i believe so.
– Want to go to college: gee… nope. i’m just enrolled in uw you know… because i don’t want to.
– Like high school: i think i did…?
– Want to get married: sure.
– Type with your fingers on the right keys: no but i can probably type faster than all you motherfuckers anyways! not sure if it’s something good to brag about -__-;
– Believe in yourself: depends on what.
– Get motion sickness: i think not, but i do get carsick? i guess same thing.
– Think you’re attractive: i’m decent.
– Think you’re a health freak: no.
– Get along with your parents: yeah.
– Like thunderstorms: no. lightening is cool though. i just do not enjoy the biddabangcrashboom.
– Play an instrument: i DID play piano. i HAVE played guitar, if you could call my guitar-playing PLAYING. yup.
// series six - in the past month, did/have you
– Drank alcohol: a smidgen.
– Smoke(d): yeah.
– Done a drug: a couple, rather.
– Have Sex: no.
– Made Out: no.
– Go on a date: no. *sigh. but who knows what a date is defined as anyways.
– Go to the mall: yes.
– Eaten an entire box of Oreos: wtf? no! i’ve never done that in my life. -__-;
– Eaten sushi: um… nope.
– Been on stage: nope.
– Been dumped: yeah… my imajinary boyfriend dumped me… that bastard!
– Gone skating: i wish.
– Made homemade cookies: no home to make cookies in, sir.
– Gone skinny dipping: never ever.
– Dyed your hair: no.
– Stolen anything: yeah, like three hours ago. heh.
// series seven - have you ever
– Played a game that required removal of clothing?: everyday.
– If so, was it mixed company: i’m just kidding.
– Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: does this only refer to alcohol? in which case not to the point of passing out, so i suppose that is not trashed.
– Been caught “doing something”: nope.
– Been called a tease: ?!
– Gotten beaten up: by my brother. heh.
– Shoplifted: yeah, like three hours ago.
– If so, did you get caught: i’ve been near-caught once. well, actually, i was caught, but whatever, cause the lady was not able to prove it.
– Changed who you were to fit in: i wouldn’t doubt it, but i cannot cite such an example.
// series eight - the future
– Age you hope to be married: … we’ll see what happens.
– Numbers and Names of Children: ideally three… from oldest to youngest, girl, boy, girl. or girl, boy, boy. or girl, girl, boy. i just don’t trust a boy being older. heh. i have half a billion names i like also.
– Describe your Dream Wedding: who cares.
– How do you want to die: who cares.
– Where you want to go to college: i’m already in college, but i WANTED to go to berkeley. heh. grad school!
– What do you want to be when you grow up: lalalala. teacher? legal something? graphic designer? editor? etc. etc.? i have a billion things.
– What country would you most like to visit: that i haven’t visited? korea, japan, greece, italy.
{x} Current Clothes: white pants, red and white shirt that saying “flying high” and has a monkey on it. i have a blue sweatshirt draped over my shoulder like one of those preppies because it’s kind of cold, but not THAT cold.
{x} Current Mood: sick. is that a mood? i don’t know.
{x} Current Taste: choco-chip-cOoooOoOoOOookiiiiiiiii
{x} Current Hair: tied up.
{x} Current Annoyance: runny noses >__<
{x} Current Smell: no smell here.
{x} Current thing you ought to be doing: studying? studying.
{x} Current Desktop Picture: a snowboarder flying off a mountain. heh. thinking about changing it to legolas from lotr though =X
{x} Current Favorite Groups: aigo… umm… incubus. whatever mang.
{x} Current Book: going to reread “me talk pretty one day”. heh ~
{x} Current DVD In Player: if i had a dvd player, perhaps i would tell you. but lotr is in my computer. =T
{x} Current Refreshment: …
{x} Current Worry: everything.
{x} Current Crush: i’ve come to conclude that i’ll probably like him forever… so he doesn’t count.
{x} Current Favorite Celebrity: ORLANDO BLOoOoOoOoOoM and brad pitt. ^__^
—
november 11th, 2002 (puntacular)
i’m listening to… “blind visions” bai accadia, “into the dawn” bai accadia, “watching the waves” bai blank + jones, “beyond time” bai blank + jones, “after the storm” bai the cynic project (the dopest artist name ever), “zen garden” bai tangerine dream, “one shot wasted” bai deepoceanvastsea, “distance” bai schiller [all ambient or trip-hop].
i’m feeling… sick as fauk. >__<
i’m hella diggin… ambient music. i’ve come to enjoy this stuff like you don’t even know.
4:30 am — as i sit here writing this because i once again can not go to sleep, i am coughing up a lung and dying. -__-; i am ridiculously sick. i have been sick for like three weeks. i am definitely going to be an early dyer. -__-; knowing my luck, i will not want to die and the last years of my life will be like… the best ever or something. cynic.
so tonight was the no doubt, garbage, and the distillers concert at key arena. i went with a random crowd (well, not really a crowd at all). went with lingo, whom like jina, i think i only see when i’m going to concerts with them. go figure. perhaps it has something to do with the lack of asian individuals who are interested in rock music. tony [cordova] also went too… random considering this was his first rock concert. wOo ~
so bah-bah-hah, we left for key arena at around 6:10-ish and hung around at the neighboring mcdonald’s for quite some time. my first time consuming mcdonald’s in lord knows how long. i really never quite liked hamburgers much… chicken burgers always appealed to me a whole mess more.
as for the concert itself… tony got slightly drunk0rd (whatever i’m making up my own |-|/\><0rz or whatever language hahahahahaha) beforehand and therefore he had to pee like a madman throughout the beginning part of our little endeavor. problem being: it was the most crowded concert i’ve ever been to in my life. so… during the break between the distillers and garbage, he went to the bathroom… when he came back, we had moved a little closer towards the front and he was nowhere to be found =( i looked for him, or tried, but it was rather difficult since i am not vertically-challenged and the crowd was so freaking packed together one would barely breathe. i seriously felt as though my shoulder were going to pop out of place at any moment. not a beautiful possible sight, i must say. i must say i found it quite sad that i could not accompany tony for the most-part of his first concert since it is such a wonderful experience… and i believe he had more fun than i as well. such a shame. but i tried.
anyways. the distillers were alright. the lead singer was a female as well, but a rather butch one if you ask me. she looked like a man, sounded like a man, dedicated a ‘love song’ to shirley (lead singer of garbage) and gwen (lead singer of no doubt). i suppose her actions, speech, and aestheticness (whatever) left very little to be questioned about her sexual orientation. but perhaps i am wrong. perhaps she is a man-loving woman who just happens to look like a dike. *shrug.
for garbage me and lingo were about three rows away from the front. i love garbage, but they didn’t play enough songs for my tastes… especially since i personally went to see garbage, not no doubt. but i suppose that is what happens when you go see a band that no one knows that well… -__-; maybe i am wrong, but i swear no one really knows garbage about garbage. pun intended. i’m so funny. during the garbage set, there was this fucking girl (not literally) to the left of me… i said something about how i couldn’t move. she said that no one could in a bitchy voice so i said matter-of-factly, “you’re a bitch.” and she said, “you’re a bitch too.” i replied, “how the fuck am i a bitch?” and she was completely silent. and then later her boyfriend said something about my asking him to move his elbow (i didn’t even say it rudely) because it was jabbing me in the chest (godamn my being short). she said something along the lines of, “i know… she’s a bitch. i told her off.” whatever you fucking ho. telling me ‘you are a bitch too’ is by no means telling me off. fucking fat ho. -__-;
onward ho (no pun intended this time) — no doubt… was… the DOPEST act i’ve ever seen in my life. i truly still do not care much for their music, but i have a lot of respect for them now as performers. they are the best act i have seen so far. i think they beat incubus out *shrug. jimmy eat world too. *shrug shrug shrug. they just look like they have a lot of fun on stage and they really pump the crowd. they’re nice to the crowd too… giving out all sorts of free stuff, handshakes, what not, etc. etc. yeap. gwen stefani really can sing hella well… but i must say i find her speaking voice annoying as fauuuuuk. but whatever. my speaking voice is annoying as fauuuuuk too. even the spirit from the ouija board said so X__o;
which no doubt song are you?
i am working hard on this whole sobriety thing. turned down drinking and smoking today although… it was quite tempting and had i been offered it again, i would have. smoked, that is. -__-;; but no matter. hmm… don’t know about everything else, but no dropping until lucky charms. march. or later. but you know, unless i give myself a solid time limit, i can’t keep it. -__-; i believe this temporary sobriety will help me with getting back on track in school and shit like that. i hope so, anyways. =T
oh. and dayquil is evil evil shit. it’s like the nastiest medicine ever, i swear to god. i wish i could swallow gelcaps. *sigh. X__o;
i’ve come to discover the things that flatter me are different from (grammar point: it is ALWAYS diferent FROM, never different than) the things that flatter others. i could care less if you think i’m cute (unless i like you, in which case anything matters), but if you trust me… geezus… flattery galore. reasons being i barely trust myself, and it seems very few people trust me with anything. so anyone who trusts me with anything i don’t even trust myself with… <3 <3 <3 to him or her or it. sigh.
i think i write a little more in here than holds the attention of most. sorry. but read anyways, biotch. please? =__=;
and i sleep.
(diana’s response:)
ihateyouihateyouihateyou *dies of envy* what songs did garbage play? more old garbage or *gulp* more new garbage? as horrified as i was (and still am) with garbage’s change… SHIRLEY MANSON IS STILL GOD. her voice is like sex. pure, unadulterated fucking S E X. brody (the distillers’ frontwoman) isn’t gay. unfortunately. -__-; she’s married to the rancid guy. booooo. i don’t care for their music [save for a couple of songs] but i like her voice. it’s like old courtney love x10. ‘city of angels’ has been stuck in my head for like the past 2 weeks. i watch muchmusic obsessively just to the see video everyday. (note to self: why don’t you just record it one of these days, you fool.) and… yeah. hope you start feeling better <3