my sappiness.
i’m listening to… “holla front” bai jin [rap].
i’m feeling… whatevers.
2:29 pm — hmmm some songs by jin… i don’t know what i think about them… can’t say i like them that much but i DO like his voice. =) it does sort of sound like eminem, though. http://www.peterjun.com/downloads_jin.html. first song is the best i think. last one is kind of whack.
i’m listening to… “it’s been awhile” bai staind [rock], “little black backpack” bai stroke 9 [rock], “sundown” bai nostrum + frank kunne [trance], “justify my love” bai vita + ashanti [breaks], “schism” by tool [rock].
i’m feeling… weird and melancholy. if you don’t know what that means for some reason, go look at my best friend, who is here. -__-
1:04 am — so i was cleaning my room… and i am weird and i always go through the little nitpicky things and clean the bigrelstuff later. actually… i usually make the little pointless things that no one sees perfect and tidy but the whole thing is usually still a mess… basically, i’m anal, but messy. odd. anyways. man… i found all this old stuff and it makes me so damn sappy going through old things… it’s strange how i changed friends so much when i was growing up… i had like a new “best friend” every year… literally. and weird that when i was looking through all my stuff i found remnants of each of those best friends… gah… makes me so sad… i really wonder where a lot of those people are now but i don’t feel comfortable just calling them up or anything… ugh… it’s so sad… everything i found reminds me of someone and most of those people are just essentially gone from my existence. all these little things just remind me. memories are a wonderful thing, but it’s quite saddening also. god… blah… i don’t even know where to start… so i won’t, since most of the people who read my journal don’t know my old friends anyways. but it’s really sad to me… that as you grow up you lose so much and so much of it you can never get back. but life goes on, i guess. i’m just uber sappy right now.
and more from looking through old things… god… i am so freaking godamn spoiled it’s not even funny. you know, i always thought i was spoiled… yeah… like… all the kids who live around here are ’spoiled’ but it never occurred to me the extent of how spoiled i am… i was looking through all this stuff that my parents gave me when i was little… pierre cardin earrings, mini perfumes, expensive pens, blahblahblah… all of which i have never even really used… god… that also makes me so sad… my whole family… my aunts, uncles, grandparents, parents… have all been so good to me i sort of can’t imagine life without any of them. just thinking about it at the moment makes me so freaking teary-eyed because life is so godamn fleeting and so of these things can be taken away from you at any moment. right now i really want to go to new jersey and see my grandma because she is so freaking out of it… she has like alzheimer’s and hip problems and all sorts of problems and i just think that if i take too long to see her it would just be depressing? -__- i mean it’s already depressing because she is already so incoherent… blah… and my poor grandfather has to take care of her everyday by himself… i just could not imagine living like that. man… that’s so sad. life is so freaking godamn sad. i don’t know man… just thinking… reflecting on everything makes me sort of want to value life and make something of it even though i am miss life-is-hopeless. blah.
i guess i just feel like with everything that i am given by my family… my friends… i should just stop complaining so much and take it and make something of it i guess. so i will try. it’s ridiculous how good people have been to me, really. i am so spoiled and i take it all for granted, really. i guess this kind of is a slap upside the head… that maybe i should learn to appreciate people more… for real. blah. so basically, honestly, anyone and everyone that i make any effort to talk to at all is someone important to me… for some reasons i am really bad at showing emotion for things now but really, really. out of anyone that actually reads this shit, i probably care about you too. >__< and sorry for being such a difficult person… at least, i think i am. *slapping self upside the head. and also some people whom i don’t talk to that often are important to me as well… blah… i don’t even know where to start. i guess since i’ve never really lost anyone i take a lot of people for granted… and i guess i should learn from this and think about it more. i guess i will try to change… try to work harder, try to spend less money, try to help out the family more… blahblah. try to keep on track. maybe this will give my utterly pointless life some meaning. all day long i was wallowing in how i find my life completely and utterly pointless… i think that is one of the reasons i want school to start. so that i will have some meaning in my life. hopefully i’ll learn. >__<
peace outside… =( take care, be happy, etc. you only live once… i guess.