life.
there is nothing i like about life right now. seriously. i feel like i am losing my mind these days… it’s really hard to think about anything. just want to hide inside myself.
going to montana this weekend, originally me, cyn, alex, and len. not so sure what it’s going to be now because alex’s foot is rotting off or some shit. anyway, i’m just glad to get away. i’m so tired of shit. there aren’t enough hours in the day. there aren’t enough questions that are answered. too many decisions to make… it seems like everything is one complicated decision after another and nothing much is giving me joy. aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
the other day i went to this thing with a coworker and he basically hit on me the whole time which just again reminds me of the fact that dudes i like never like me. it’s always vice versa. it is fucking weird, i tell you. damn you, universe.
technology makes things so much more futile. i was thinking of all the wrongs bush has done and how dozens of years ago people would have revolted and turned to violence to solve things. and as barbaric as that sounds, the lack of using violence to solve things now results in things never changing. i don’t know which is worse. probably the latter. i hate hate hate violence due to lots of violence in my family growing up, but right now, with all of our technology and “educated society”, all we do is complain behind the sidelines. very few people do shit that actually make a difference. how sad. we need a revolution. i mean protests may be cool and all, but i wish they made a difference. they don’t seem to make enough of a difference, or these wrongs would not be happening. the sad part is that money still governs most people’s worlds, and it’s near unavoidable. i don’t know how people let themselves get to a place where money is the only thing they care about.
the german movie “the edukators” has some interesting commentary on how people turn from liberal-minded youngfolk into money-grubbing businessmen as they get older because they now have families and need to feed those families and blahblahblah, start needing money to send their kids to college, blahblahblah. i wonder how truthful that is, and how to break away from those trappings to live a fulfilling life, with a family, without having to care about money money money. maybe it’s not realistic. but i’d like to think it is.
what parts of changing the world actually count for something in the long run? it’s hard to say.
i am legitimately considering going back to school to get a teaching degree or something. like, as much as i like doing internet stuff or graphic design or whatever, i can’t stand the fact anymore of taking a full-time job sitting in front of a godamn computer screen. it seems so pointless. like, maybe if it was my own stuff or it was freelance stuff it’d be fine, but a 9-5 doing that shit makes me feel kind of dead (and blind) everyday… plus, because i do the stuff on my own for my mag or whatever i can’t avoid it when i go home, so it’s like non-stop computer and i get so burnt out of doing it that it’s like, fuck, i’ll just sit on these 100 emails and respond to them when i get the chance… which is like a week later and that is way irresponsible. the list just never ends. i don’t think i can stand this much computer. gah.
with every job i have i think that i want a different job which requires more human interaction, yet yet i never make a change to do something else. it’s just like i feel like all my skills are in this one basket and i’m not quite sure how to go into those other places when i’ve been doing this shit for so long… but i guess the sooner i change the sooner i will have new skills. shrug. but i know that i do need to start heading down that road, for reals, because each day without good conversation is like, a bad day. even the simplest conversation with like, the most random of people, like some homeless dude who stops me on the street or some random person at a bus stop makes life more worthwhile. i think i need a job that requires me to interact with a lot of people. that’s why the magazine is so great — because it requires actual real interaction with new people. and interesting, passionate people, at that.
i just feel like i could be one of those cool teacher/bosses who can actually care about people on a personal friend level as opposed to like, a dictator boss level, which is shit i’ve always hated. sigh. what to do…
i think i just convinced myself, lol, that the computer-working life is not for me O__o
i think the other alternative to teacher is “lady who works with crazy homeless people”… not sure why, but homeless people are like… my weakness. kinda. i think when i grew up in ny and my parents were always scared of homeless people who would come up with squeegies and try to wash your windows, i just always thought they were being nice and were trying to work for their money. that impression stuck, i guess, even if it is unrealistic, and even if there ARE plenty of crazy homeless people. i guess until i meet one that really scares me i won’t really be scared. all the crazy ones i’ve met are pretty like, easy to ignore or talk back to in a way that makes them think twice, i guess. the craziest one was probably the one in berkeley when aaron and i went to “talk to people”, just cause he was like talking shit, and when you confronted him about it, he would deny that he was talking shit. lol. good times. :L