july 2004
july 29th, 2004 (fucking)
i’m listening to… chillout sessions [ambient / downtempo].
i’m feeling… burning.
11:50 pm — burning man, burning out. i need some space. i need a vacation. i failed my midterm today. i think i got a c, if i’m lucky. i need a vacation. no more procrastinating. 18 credits in summer quarter is a bad, fucking, idea. but it’s only two more weeks of being driven like a slave, so i hope it all works out. time to go read 109 pages. yay!
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july 28th, 2004 (this will be quick and painless)
i’m listening to… “circles” by bt [breakbeats], “fucked up situation” by angie martinez [hip-hop], “future’s call” by kosheen (makoto mix) [ambient drum’n'bass].
i’m feeling… BRAWRRRR.
9:32 pm — i promised gildas that the next few entries would feature less of the word “fuck,” so i will attempt this.
i’m fucking pooped. wHoOps. i’m taking 18 credits now (and it’s summer term)… two of which are b-term… which makes for a total of about 27 hours of class a week… and that’s just strictly going to class. 
and all of my classes have two hour breaks in between, which offer little time to do anything… i’m very lucky that i don’t have to put out a magazine for o2 magazine this month (just little projects here and there), because i definitely wouldn’t have had time to do that. worked out pretty well. i do however need to get the next issue of redefine magazine out, by august 3rd, i said… so fuck, hopefully. so pOoped.
surprisingly all of my classes are getting less boring… oceanography class was boring as shit on monday but it was kinda interesting today (maybe because it was easy)… i really don’t play well with others… these days i’m so quick to find flaws in other people… not that i tell them, but it just makes it easier to point towards hermitude… well, really, i don’t even have time to socialize… i have a midterm tomorrow which i haven’t studied for yet… well, i’ve read half a chapter in the past two hours, out of four… i’m not horribly worried cause i got a 94 on the first test and a 90 on the second test (which i pretty much bs’ed as well)… but still, man. i want as high a grade as possible, cause the professor grades really easily. and oceanography… we have three weeks of class, just about, and we have three tests… GG three credit oceanography class… -__- nothing to write lately, not even in my own personal journal where i write things that other people can’t read… that’s how busy with boring stuff it is. i haven’t even played cs more than like a half hour this week… that’s how bad!!!
christie moved in today, so the whole gang will be complete after just miss eva moves in. brahr. and now i return ot the stoody.
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july 24th, 2004 (like monkeys, we are)
i’m listening to… jay zhou’s album something or other.
i’m feeling… okay.
1:18 am — GWARRRRR.
very little to say, but today me, alex, eddie, and liz went rockclimbing… not that shit where they have harnesses… near the WAC (waterfront activities center) there’s these climbing walls, with different heights and what not, and we climbed on them barefoot… liz kept trying to climb with her long ass nails and it was freaking me out cause i kept thinking that one of her nails would pop off and hit her in the eye on the way down or something -__-’ such a creepy ass image. there were some hardcore climbers up in thurr, man. hardcore. climbing shoes, and convos like, “so, where do you usually climb?” kakakaka.
yesterday while some kids went to play soccer, me, liz, eddie, alex, eva, jun, and this random guy paul filled up water balloons to throw at the bitches on the soccer field… except, we took too long, and by the time we got everything ready, they came home already… so we worked out some whack ass plan (and alex was a dickwad and ran away until after the event was over), and i got excited when i saw lewis on the landing, so i threw too early, and i have horrible depth perception, and i hit the wall. wow, seriously, i’ve like never thrown so bad in my life, but freaking all day yesterday and all day today i’ve been throwing like a godamn dumbass. it’s absolutely dreadful. but yes. water balloon fight, and those godamn balloons just wouldn’t break. only me, liz, and jun were dry, and i was only dry because eric hit me in the ribs / stomach with this godamn balloon and it didn’t pop… it seriously hurt more than like a godamn paintball, motherfucking owwww.
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july 21st, 2004 (brahwr)
i’m listening to… letter kill’s unreleased album “the bridge”.
i’m feeling… alright.
2:16 am — i’m fauking exhausted… but… MER. so much shit to do… i can’t handle it!!! it’s so hard getting the magazine out every month… and so hard to find reliable help when you’re not paying them. which i totally understand, i mean… it makes perfect sense… people don’t care about shit when they’re not getting paid (some people who have helped me out i really owe a lot to). i’m working on making it a company, trying to figure out shit… trying to make it work, but fuck, it’s tiring. there’s so many things i want to do, and so little time… i’m doing kind of shitty in school for now… i got a 94 on my first sociology midterm but i think i fucked up on the one two days ago… fucked up being like an 80, i HOPE. maybe worse, though… and also that webpaging company we’re starting… i can’t find motivation to do that shit, because nothing i do is good enough… because i CAN’T think in terms of business-style websites… shit is ugly to me. meh, so boring. i want to quit… but i hate quitting shit… but i dread it so much. things would be so much easier without it… but it would be a fucked up thing to do, especially now… when people are relying on me… but it’s not like i’m helping the situation that much anyways.
drawing class is also fucking boring as shit… i can’t stand the godamn class… it’s so godamn boring… my teacher is this chinese fob, which is cool, but he goes on the most random tangents, and it’s just fucking painful.
some albums i’ve discovered recently that are quite good… “the bridge” by letter kills and “antidote” by the gamits… the gamits album i got mailed to me randomly today even though i wasn’t supposed to get that one… they mailed me the wrong cd’s… but whatever… it’s good… you know what’s really good, though? guns n’ roses.
sherry’s going to go to a fashion show with me in sf the weekend i go back to cali. i’m excited. i wanted to go to the instant winner show, but since that won’t be happening, fashion show would be awesome too. that would be a new experience… i’m trying to branch out and do new things, so we’ll see how that goes… GWARRARRRASRRSR. so hard putting the magazine online, good fucking god. that’s all i can think about until i do it… fuck school and fuck work and fuck cleaning and fuck errands… fuck fuck! all i can think about is that… >< i think i have ocd… but different… i dunno. and fuck, starting friday i have school everyday. shutup. that’s what happens when you pile too much shit on yourself, i guess.
[insert attempt at being positive]: pressure sucks, but it’s better than doing nothing, i guess 
(anthony’s response:)
generally i would say, “TIME MANAGEMENT” since liiiiiike i always hate it when people say they have no time, yet dont do anything with their time. I work like freakin’ 30 hours at work, and go to school taking 5 or 6 classes (15-18 credits), plus all this other crap I do, and ya I dont get it.
BUT — when there’s a project I am working on (be it a website) freakin time management takes a backseat. I swear I stared at NOTEPAD for almost 3 days straight working on tragicpenguin.com — man my eyes were killing the hell out of me.
So yeaaaaaa — you’re doing a great job on the mag, and this month’s issue will have a lot of great MUSIC content - not sure about whatever else is in it - but definately the music content will be varied and hopefully top notch. don’t freeeak out too much.
and liiiike going back to what i was saying earlier, you’ll be fine when friday rolls around and youre stuck with 4 classes, your o2 job, and redefine project. ha, you maybe stuck at home for a great deal of time but you’ll be fineeeeeeee. people wonder why i didnt just stop working and like study more — ehhhhhh. working helps me organize my time better for studying and i get some money out of it so its a double bonus. so many blah people out there who COMPLETELY mooch off their family and dont even do jack to even try to do anything on their own and all this crap and complain and whine aand all this junk abotu how they have no time when they dont even do anything even remotely productive besides go to school — no work, no extracurricular activity, no projects, nothing crapola. ad;ja
yes, this is me venting frustration at 745am as i am awaken by my parents who are making me drive my car to the shop and get my brakes realigned and my car checked up which isnt exactly exciting to me, nor my wallet. =(
have a joyous day.
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july 20th, 2004 (wow, fucking)
i’m listening to… “ghostbusters” by ed rush and optical [drum’n'bass].
i’m feeling… rawr.
4:50 pm — GWARRR. interviewed letter kills’ lead singer matt today. fsck, man, listening to your own voice is fucking horrible. i borrowed anthony’s cell phone speaker phone to do the interview, which is hella weird, cause it turned out 80,000x clearer than our in-person interviews with my chemical romance and rise against. weird.
wo de tou nao yao bao zha le. BAO ZHA. BAO ZHAAAA.
i’m horrible at handling pressure horrible. i have a midterm in an hour, but fuck it, i’m totally unprepared, but i don’t even give a fucking rat’s ass. SO FUCKING BORING. GWARRR.
fucking the other night, this dude came over, and like, i said no to his coming over like 80x, because i had to study, but he was like, “it’s my birthday,” so i said fine, fucking a. and the guy just would not leave. like, fuck. four hours. like FUCK! JUST LEAVE. i don’t know what these people are thinking sometimes. actually, i think i do know what they’re thinking, but i’d rather not know, and they can just all die. i just need to find me a hot skinny rockstar boy with black hair (and who doesn’t have extensive issues), and i’m set. so easy ><
fucking instant winner is coming back… they broke up a while ago… but now they’re coming back!!! august 28th. i’m excited. FUCKING GWARRR.
fucking. fuck. fuckkkk!
OH MORE FUCK, I JUST REALIZE I’M NOT EVEN GOING TO BE HERE THE 28TH. FUCKING GWARRR!
(lenny’s response:)
Just say, “Look, I know you want me to suck your dick or like let you insert your penis into my vagina and thrust in and out, but it’s not gonna happen and I gotta go to sleep, damn so please go home.”
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july 19th, 2004 (nah mean?)
i’m listening to… “bloodflowers” by the cure, “pick up the phone” by notwist.
i’m feeling… sick, cause i ate too much food, but i kept eating anyway. X:
9:09 pm — meh, been so long since exercise. fatness. no lightness, just fatness. just fatness, and i have a physical in two days. i FEAR. I FEARRRR THE WEIGHT >__<
i have found my hero for the moment. today i talked to rickey, the editor-in-chief of evilmonito.com… this magazine was pretty much the reason i was inspired to make my own… he started it when he was 19… and he’s 23 now… about the same as me, although different subject matter, but now… it’s pretty successful. he got hookt up, and the magazine is going places, and fsck, it’s awesome. and so inspiring. >__< and he is now my hero. hmm, should have told him that! no pressure.
it’s hard cause he said the main thing you have to do is ‘get out there, shake hands’, blahblah. meet people. network. and i’m hella shy around people i don’t know… but maybe this will change. hopefully… i’m working on it. =) i want it to end up like where his magazine has gone… so hopefully. hopefully! =) working on addressing my phone phobia first… cause i’m a retard and it takes me like 8 hours to call anyone i don’t know, but getting better. ^^
(anthony’s response:)
am i missing something? you’re fat? ehh.
dont worry, Letter Kills interview will go smooth. Just think positive. haha. We can rehearse before if you want. woohoo.
V: Hi, my name is Vivian, how are you doing today?
A: I am doing great. Letter Kills rock!!!
V: Is that so? How did you guys get your name?
A: Letter Kills baby! ya! We liiiiike took some letters one day and we liiiiike killed them!! And then we thought, HEY THAT’S GNARLY WILD dude. And the rest is history!
V: Interesting… So how is it like playing on Warped Tour?
A: We liiike totally love warped tour duuuuuuuuude. it’s like totally stokin’ cowabunga to play with bands like THURSDAY and Coheed + Cambria. But especailly Thursday!!
V: I am an imbecile. I dont like Thursday. Why do you guys like them?
A: Thursday is liiiiiiiiike totally rockin good maaaan. Like Way cool!
V: Great! That’s all the time I have. Thanks guys!
A: Duuuuuude thank you!
(lenny’s response:)
How it will really go…
*phone rings*
A: Hello?
V: …
*hang up*
To herself
V: Fsck!!!
5 hours later after sitting around doing nothing at all(maybe eating actually)… she gets the nerve to call again.
*phone rings*
A: Hello?
V: uhh… H..hi this is um vivian from um….
*well you can get the idea of how this conversation will play out*
Ok so all joking aside now. You’ll get better, at talking to people and crap, everything takes practice. Or maybe you wont and you’ll be a phoneaphobe the rest of your life and your magazine will shrink into a bi-yearly craptastic thing that about 7 people read.
just kidding fatty ~__~
Edit: Coincidence that i used to read monito also?! I THINK NOT
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july 18th, 2004 (rarw)
i’m listening to… my chemical romance’s “i brought you my bullets, you brought me your love” album [hardcore].
i’m feeling… 8]
12:29 pm — lmao. went to this kind-of party with martin and andrew [mathis] for some guy maxwell’s farewell last night… cause he is going to japan or something. it was alright… lol… had some interesting conversations… but it wasn’t that exciting of a party… there was like a band, called the stereo future… they were good, musically, but their vocals fucking bit it big time. >__<
man i have such a phobia of talking on phones now… i have nooo idea why… >__< i have all these people i have to call for like… magazine-related shit, and i’m so scared to call them -__- what the fuck is wrong with meeee. and then when i finally finish procrastinating and call them, i come off sounding like a bumbling idiot… ASHDIOASDJ. -__-
lmao last night afterwards we went to andrew’s friend’s place in trailside and played some double dash… and martin said he wanted to smoke so we told him to, and then he did, and he freaked the feck out cause he hasn’t smoked in like 3 years or something. he freaked the feck out, lol. ^^ ><
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july 17th, 2004 (it makes me laugh)
i’m listening to… “clap your hands” by lil louis [drum’n'bass], “together” by avril lavigne [rock], “true to form” by hybrid [breakbeats].
i’m feeling… 8]
12:48 am — went to the bite of seattle today with lewis, anthony, eva, liz, and hsu-ken. it was alright… i expected there to be more exotic foods or something, but there really were not. it was cool… there were these acapella singers that were pretty rad… and me and liz karaoked “hakuna matata” with a bunch of little kids… good god, we’re geex. and there was this little black kid who did a dance to lil bow wow after our “singing”, and he was fucking awesome. c-walking, doing the robot, the kid was pretty awesome. and there were some pots and pans for us to play drums on. bOoya. and a nintendo car, where liz got a free t-shirt and eva was mad because she (not liz) was the one who won in the mario kart double dash ^__~ i was staring at these rubber band bracelets the nintendo worker had and he was like, “what’re you staring at?” and he gave us a cool bracelet, a “who are you?” tattoo, and a bowser tattoo… FUCKING AWWWWESOOOOOME.
came back, all pooped out cause we had to walk a whole shitload… so we came back, everyone went to their own places and relaxed a little, and then lewis decided to gather everyone together for some poker at his neighbor’s. lmao. so i called one of the guys because they were taking too long, and i said, “hurry the fuck up!” and he later came pissed off and said, “don’t ever call my phone and cuss at me again.” wow, disappointing, because if you know me, that’s how i talk to people sometimes… and i’m just fucking around, because that’s how i am. i don’t get pissed off about shit that easily (and really… really rarely also) where i would actually say, “hurry the fuck up” over something so trivial… it’s not a big deal to me personally if you are playing video games so you are taking a long ass time to come play poker. who the fuck cares… sad, because anyone who knew me well would know. and i thought he did. and i think he thought he did too.
anyway, i pwned the other 8 guys in poker, and this one guy in particular was pretty pissed because i bluffed a hand big time because there were 2 two’s down there, and i figured he had nothing because he didn’t raise on that. so i figured there could be nothing better, so i went all in, and he got mad because he had a high pair or something and he should have won, but i bluffed the fuck out of him. he said he’d let me have it if i showed him my cards, and i pwned his face… they were convinced that i went all in one round on some random ass hand because i wanted to go home… it wasn’t like that at all… it was just because i didn’t have enough chips to even play any more real hands with fervor, so it was pretty much go all in or just play a bunch of measly hands and never come back. and so i started doing hella out there moves and scared the crap out of them because i was so conservative before, and then that guy was maaaad. and later he just got lazy and was like, “fuck it, take it…” jeebus.
i got $6 out of the game because it was tournament stylee and only top 2 people got paid… cause we played buy-in’s for $1.
lmao. it’s just funny that people get mad over such stupid things. it makes me laugh. i feel bad, initially, but when i think about it, it’s just fucking funny. who the fuck cares… i mean… really… these are little insignificant things. it’s all in fun. i’m not trying to disrespect you or show you up or exercise my authority over you… i just like to fuck around. i like daring people to do stupid things, i like doing stupid things, and i like saying stupid things. big f’n deal. take a chill pill.
(lewis’ response:)
Might I point out, that a few entries down, you get hella angry over a random critique of an internet nobody about your magazine. I would think that you would know that the internet is full of the same people that inhabit the real world, namely, volatile, unstable, insecure human beings subject to moods and emotions that hold us so tightly in their grasp. While I am not excusing or making any comment on whatever conduct you have herein discussed, I hope that we are not too quick laugh at another’s emotions, cuz someone someday might be laugh at you; and it hurts. ~lew.
(my response:)
man, if i get mad over something someone else thinks it’s stupid, and they tell me that, yeah, that sucks, but i can see what they mean.
for example the internet thing, people did tell me, “you’re retarded, why are you so mad? you don’t even know the chick.” that in my eyes is a little different from a game of poker or a simple line, because it is something i have invested so much time in… whereas that was just a simple five second thing.
but i can still see what they mean by it being stupid, and so, go ahead, laugh if you think it’s right. and it sucks, sure, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s unjustified to laugh at it. *shrug.
(eva’s response:)
vee, the first thing that came to my mind after reading was “hahahahhahaa”. first, i dont’ think you would say hurry the fuck up to a random nobody, or even to an aquaintence, but it must have been to a person you thought you knew really well, and who knew you well enuff not to take it to heart. i think the lot of us just want to be comfortable enuff to be ourselves, as vulgar as that maybe, around the people we care about. and if we can’t, that’s where the barriors come in. and that’s where the disappointment sets in. i’m glad you are able to laugh, find humor in life’s little absurditites, cuz if not, you’d just another many biatches we know that has their panties too tightly clamped in a wad.
(my response:)
word my darling, word. good thing you are on the same “hahahahah” page. ^__~ that’s what makes us roommates eh. :O
(anthony’s response:)
Dangit! i gotta stop wearing those tight panties! err umm anyway… hey the male species is just that way… actually females too… its human behavior to be competitive. sometimes people, in this case, your poker pal, just got frustrated he was losing. it happens. it is pretty funny, though, to see someone get frustrated over such petty things, and especially over 1 dollar. in sports, you just take that frustration to the max, and take advantage of their demeanor and dominate on them when they’ve lost control. im sure its the same way in poker, though i do no play.
(eva’s response:)
vee, when stephan from the real world seattle bitched slaped irene in the car… that was justifiably funny because simply, angry people are funny. they let themselves get to the point where little things piss them off. people with chill personalities are chill for a reason… they find humor in many things. so, we need to stop being self-righteous about people’s feelings and while it is wonderful to be compassionate, understanding and empathetic to the people who inhabit the world, too much of that makes us pussies. and pussies don’t survive beyond this happy little bubble.