i disconnect.
i’m listening to… … the cardigans.
i’m feeling… meh…
2:51 am — smeh just tried going to sleep but i don’t want to… too unhappy to sleep, if that makes sense. i’m so tired… just want to sleep forever. i feel so defeated. i hate a lack of conclusion to things. i can’t stand it. and i can’t stand that i am up to my neck in medical bills and i don’t know shit about my body. how i feel like fuck and i don’t know how to fix it and i don’t want to spend thousands more dollars finding out there’s nothing and not being sure if it’s all mental or if i’m just crazy or what… but no conclusion makes for unhappiness and i don’t know what to do until i fix it. i feel like doing nothing. i feel so godamn defeated. i want to do nothing. i can say nothing else to describe my feelings except that i want to do nothing. i’d say fuck the magazine, i give up, but my rational mind won’t allow it. but it sounds oh so fucking tempting. i’d rather not sleep cause i’d rather not cry. i’d rather be awake so i can go blind, staring at this computer monitor without the lights on. i just want to feel better. i just want to feel okay or to know what the fuck is wrong with me. why my ear has some weird growth that hurts. why my eye gets fucked up after a day of not taking vitamins, and why it still sometimes is annoying even when i do. what the fuck. health really is everything. if you feel like shit all the time, you can do nothing. you want to do nothing… it sounds so easy to not try at all. to just take things as they are given… to just find a 9 to 5 job… fuck passion, fuck whatever, i only care about money. i am a tool for the capitalist pigs. it would be so fucking easy. why is it so hard to be satisfied? it’s shitty because some people really are born with an innate ability to be unhappy. and some are just generally peachy. i’m just scared to end up dead one day having done nothing and having felt nothing and having known nothing.
writing is the only thing that keeps me sane…
this is not to say i’m high and mighty at all, but i think i care too much that i say the right things and do the right things for people. not in the kiss-ass type of way, but in the, “i’ll-do-this-even-if-i-don’t-want-to-because-it’s-the-nice-thing-to-do,” or the, “i’ll-cut-you-slack-because-it’s-the-nice-thing-to-do,” or whatever… i’m so tired. i’ve always been able to not give a fuck about what people thought or whatever, but it’s becoming increasingly difficult. i think i’ve become a lot more conscious of shitty things i say, so i try to stop them, therefore when people do the same shitty things, it makes me feel ultra bad. or when i fuck up and do something shitty, it makes me feel horrendous. like for example, this morning my mom went to the store and asked me if i wanted to go but i was half-asleep because it was like 6 in the morning… but then i was thinking, i shoulda gone with her cause shopping by yourself sucks, and so i stayed up for like an hour thinking that and feeling overly bad over something i couldn’t change. i think stress is killing me… stress that’s made by myself from my new inclination to being overly sensitive. fuck that. give me back my old self…
for 27 years i’ve been trying to believe and confide in,
different people i’ve found.
some of them got closer then others;
some wouldn’t even bother,
and then you came around
i didn’t really know what to call you;
you didn’t know me at all,
but i was happy to explain.
i never really knew how to move you,
so i tried to intrude through
the little holes in your veins…
and i saw you…
but that’s not an invitation;
that’s all i get.
if this is communication,
i disconnect.
i’ve seen you, i know you,
but i don’t know
how to connect….
so i disconnect.
* THE CARDIGANS - COMMUNICATION *