i can’t sleep… if sleeping is without resolution.
it’s been quite a very long time since i’ve been unable to sleep. i cannot remember the last time. but tonight is one of those nights, and it is one of those nights primarily because i am very frustrated by the fact that my parents wield so much control over me. me, at 24 years old. me, at almost 25 years old. at what point will they leave me the fuck alone and let me do what i want to do with my life?
a lot of the people i have been talking to about this problem just so happens to be white people. or dudes. they can’t much fathom the idea at all. they can’t much fathom the thought. woe is me, fucking asian girl. woe is me, asian girl with asian parents. motherfucking suck ass motherfucker.
so here, i have been lying awake for the past… two hours (which really sucks on this particular evening because usually i have nothing to do the next day but tomorrow i start my part-time job and actually have to go into the office at 9am)… going through in my head what i would potentially say to my parents to convince them that i am not 12 years old anymore, and that they should allow me to travel europe by myself. for 5 days. it’s not going to fucking be that big a fucking deal.
but to them it IS a big fucking deal. and it is SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO irrational. irrational beyond belief. people move to europe all the time. how do they cope? they certainly don’t know the area. people also move to work temporarily in europe all the time. is that a big deal? don’t they do fine? of course they fucking do.
not too long ago, xinlei went to scotland to visit a friend. TO VISIT A FRIEND. SHE ONLY HAD TO TAKE THE PLANE BY HER FUCKING SELF. yet my mom was like, “how could xinlei’s dad possibly let her go by herself?” TO SCOTLAND FOR CHRISTSAKE’S!!! WHERE THEY SPEAK FUCKING ENGLISH AND NO OTHER LANGUAGE BUT ENGLISH!!!
i don’t know why they think other countries are sOooOoOoOo much more dangerous than the fucking united states but i’d be way more scared being alone in new york than in say lisbon.
but how would i even convince them?
my only arguments are that… it is not that dangerous. it’s only for a few days. i could call them and email them if they REALLY wanted, practically every day. and on top of it all, OTHER PEOPLE DO IT ALL THE TIME! even people we as a family know. and yet they disapprove every time, with no concern that those people have the times of their lives traveling on their own and the fact that their parents let them go helps with peace of mind. but my parents (or at least my mom, i honestly don’t know my dad’s thoughts on the matter) don’t care for experience gained. they more are just scared of everything. every fucking fear tactic ever would probably work on them.
and the thing people don’t understand is… there probably isn’t any tangible thing they could DO to me. i don’t need their money and they probably wouldn’t do more to me than bitch. so why do i even care what they say? what’s the worst they would even do?
i don’t really even know. nor do i know why i fear my mother so much but let me tell you — the woman is pretty much terrifying. but i reckon now is a time better than any to stand up for myself and let them know that i’m tired of being treated like a 12 year old… that i’m not going to live the rest of my existence thinking about what i’m not allowed to do and where i’m not allowed to go because they find it to be dangerous… that i can’t even seriously entertain the thought of studying tefl abroad in a latin american country because they are ignorant and think every latin american country is waging drug wars… nothing ends. and it’s time it did. i don’t know how to do it 100%, but hopefully it works out. cause this is making me miserable. so miserable i can’t sleep!!!!!!!!! and considering that’s the first time in months, that’s pretty damn miserable.
yet, i don’t know if anything i can say can convince them that it is okay, and i’m terrified of their thoughts and bitching. TERRIFIED.
August 19th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
aw :l i know how you feel. and if you feel like it’s time to “ignore” all of this…. be EXTREMELY CAUTIOUS AND SAFE on your journey and i’ll support you.