i am not made for this.
i’m listening to… the new amsterdams, death cab for cutie, copeland.
1:53 am — i’m not made for having a boyfriend. i don’t know how to operate it. crashing into walls, and who the hell am i? i feel like i barely know myself. is it because of changing situations with friends? with life… i don’t know what it is but things feel so right and wrong at the same time ha. i wonder if the happiness outweighs the unhappy. probably. this sounds fucking stupid. i don’t care.
today i didn’t invite lenny to hsu-han’s dinner, under the impression that it’s not my birthday; i don’t have authority to invite people. oh yeah, is that what people do? invite their boyfriends to events? it’s a foreign idea to me… but it’s normal, isn’t it… why does it seem so strange to me? where does the disconnect come in, and why?
it seems like when i’m trying to by considerate i’m always issuing the wrong things as worthy of consideration, or i just fuck it all up, or no one notices or cares. i’m not made for this. i know if… or when… this ends, i’m going to be a mess. so much that cannot be put into words.
there’s nothing worse than having the feeling that you’re worthless and that you’re a shitty person and that you can’t do anything right. people can say anything about how great you are or how cool they think you are but in the end it doesn’t mean shit. everyone is haunted by their own demons and it’s funny how tweaking by certain people can make such a huge effect.
i’m in limbo, and it shouldn’t be like this. one person shouldn’t have so much power over another. and i don’t think i like it. i know i don’t like it. i am so fucking weak. and i can’t fucking stand it. i can’t stand myself. i can see how people can get lost in each other. can live to live with other people constantly so that you don’t have to live with the potential of losing. you don’t have to think anymore. that’s why two crackheads can stay together forever (says christ rock).
with every fight comes so much doubt. to the point of challenging everything that is good. what are fatal flaws and what aren’t? can everything be worked out? how do you make decisions like this ha… i can’t stand making decisions like this. i don’t know how to operate emotions. my own have never been manipulated in such a way and it’s like a rollercoaster of doom. i said i wanted to die atop a burning rollercoaster that plunges into a fiery pit from an earthquake opening up the earth, but not like this! not an emotional one!
but really, the kicker is the expectations for how people should act. and it’s easy to say how you want people to act without going through the same scenario yourself. but in some cases, i do see what i would do in similar situations, and i KNOW it’s different from what is done. my expectations for what other people would do with regards to me are what i would do in the same scenario, but it’s not always what other people would do. and most of the time it’s disappointing. and well, you just have to wonder why… obviously, people are different. but do they act different simply because they don’t know how? or they care less? or it doesn’t cross their mind? so hard to explain.
send out an s.o.s. call;
it’s a quarter past 4 in the morning
and the storm broke a second anchor line.
four months at sea,
for months of calm seas to be pounding
in the shallows of the tip of montauk point.
the calm rose;
they travel fast and alone.
one hundred foot faces –
god’s good ocean gone wrong.
they call love is a risk –
you always get hit out of nowhere
by some wave and end up on your own.
the hole in the hull defied the crews attempts
to bail us out…
the flood in the engine radio,
half-buried bow…
your tongue is a rudder
that steers the whole ship;
sends your words past your lips
and keeps them safe behind your teeth…
but the wrong words will strand you;
come off course while you sleep,
sweep your boat out to sea
or dashed to bits on the reef…
vessels chromes –
the ocean pressures its frame
to the port i see the lighthouse through the sleet and the rain.
and i wish for
one more day
to give me love and repay debts
but the morning finds our bodies washed up
thirty miles west…
they say that the captain stays staff with the ship
through still and storm…
but this ain’t the dakota,
and the water’s cold.
won’t have to fight for long…
this is the end…
this story’s old but it goes on and on until it disappears.
call me
and let me taste the salt you breathe when you were underneath.
i am the one who haunts your dreams of
mountains sunk below the sea
i spoke the words but never
gave a thought to what they all could mean.
i know that this is what you want.
a funeral keeps both of us apart.
you know that you are not alone.
need you like water in my lungs.
this story’s old but it goes on and on until we disappear.
BRAND NEW - PLAY CRACK THE SKY.