i am jack’s raging bile duct.
i’m listening to… “fresh prince of bel-air” on nick @ night, garden state soundtrack.
10:01 pm - last night we returned to mike’s for an evening of drunkenness and craziness. it was relatively calm minus the drinking, being that i never drink… but it just seemed like a perfect time to get rid of my existence. how extreme, huh? i always hate when people drink to get rid of their problems or whatever, but how about that? that’s exactly what i felt like doing. so i did.
just drank a couple of mixed drinks and took like three shots. then at some point lenny wanted to go to qfc to buy a pie tin and some potato chips to burn in a pie tin… so me, lenny, ron, and jayson went… on the way we somehow got to talking about porn and someone had the idea about going to 7-11 to buy hustler. and i was like, “we should bring hustler around with us in qfc and read it aloud while walking around,” so everyone’s like, “OK! YEAH! LET’S GO BUY IT!” i bet the 7-11 guy loved it, because he used to always hit on liz / make comments to alex about girls he was with (including us).
then we went to my apartment because i wanted to grab a jacket, and while i was grabbing a jacket, the boys decided that they wanted to watch the pr0n. so we watched the pr0n. girls eating girls and guys doing girls, but it was all fairly boring.
finally we went to qfc and walked around for a while there, reading hustler aloud and shit. finally we were going to buy shit and i put the hustler with the cover up on the table, and lenny turned it over so that the naked guy on girl action was showing… and the cashier was not pleased, no no. no. when i couldn’t find the pen, he grabbed the mag and literally threw it aside. lmao.
yeah. and that’s that. we went back and everyone was like, “where the fuck were you guys? we thought you guys bailed.” i guess we were gone for like two hours or an hour and a half or something.
lalalala. today alex and i went swimming in the lake @ sandpoint’s warren g. magnuson park, and later jennie and chol and company showed up, and yup!! yup. that beach or whatever the fuck sucks. there’s huge rocks on the bottom. it fucking hurts to walk on. death, i tell you, death. also, the water makes your ears burn and there is a whole lotta ducky poopie. and that’s that… some more stuff, but yeah.
shit actually seems to be picking up with the publication. more people writing in about it. more people saying ok. more people buying ads. more people saying ok. i just wish i wasn’t doing all of the work, but i’m not fucking kidding - things come out best when you do them yourself. and it’s a fucking sad state of things, but what’re you gonna do?
call it my insecurity or a self-fulfilling prophecy. i’m beginning to wonder if it’s going to end just because i’m too scared for it to continue. i’ve never had the feeling of thinking something is so impossible to make work that you just can’t… i wonder if things are really that impossible anyway, or if everything is just a hopeless feeling i have that makes me think it’s impossible. how stupid. feelings are such a bizarre thing that i cannot even begin to understand or describe. i wonder if feelings should even be thought of logically or if they should just be swallowed up whole, no matter what the implications are. it’s hard to distinguish between what is good and what is bad, because something like this can feel so right and so wrong at the same time. i have definitely never felt like this before… and if things do end, i can only wonder if i’ll look back on this with regret or happiness.
who knows, though… there’s still time.
i’ve been down
and i’m wondering why
these little black clouds
keep walking around
with me.
it wastes time,
and i’d rather be high -
think i’ll walk me outside
and buy a rainbow smile,
but be free…
they’re all free.
i look around at a beautiful life,
been the upperside of down,
been the inside of out.
but we breathe…
we breathe.
i wanna breeze and an open mind.
i wanna swim in the ocean.
wanna take my time for me…
all me.
so maybe tomorrow…
i’ll find my way home.
STEREOPHONICS - MAYBE TOMORROW.