december 2002
december 31st, 2002 (damn the killers of pain)
i’m listening to… zhang zhengyue.
i’m feeling… =/
1:40 am — happy new year’s to everyone and all that ish.
resolution — do better in school.
resolution — try to keep the drug usage to a low (like how it is now).
resolution — learn to play the guitar.
resolution — learn to skateboard.
resolution — be more considerate of others.
resolution — be less self-centered (the two sort of go hand-in-hand).
resolution — declare myself as an art major.
just came back from a little gathering at a hotel fifteen minutes away… hella parties there… don’t think the managers cared at all. anyways, linette, jeremy, tin-win, phil [wu], brandon, nelson, jason, leann, juliam, adriel, richard, and francis (yay i remembered her name) were there (i swear i have the worst memory; i’ve met her like 20428382 times… -__-;). crap… =/ i’m horrible. anyways… me and tin-win were the only sober ones… i would have LOVED myself some drinkage tonight because they looked like they were having a blast but i am still on painkillers from wisdom teeth-pulling and i did some research when i came back (to either 1. make myself feel better or 2. give myself a guilt trip about not drinking) and apparently it really IS a bad combination. so i guess it’s good i didn’t end up doing anything =/ they were so funny aish… =/
i really wanted to drink because i never get the opportunity to drink in cali… this is my third time in three years, man!!! see… first time was senior year of high school’s summer! isn’t that crazy -__-; and it was at mehrad’s house… and i had to jet hella early because my parents were still hella strict then… and i had to drive… so i only drank a half a bottle of smirnoff ice and that was whatevers. second time was at my house but i stopped drinking after drinking a bottle of smirnoff ice because i freaking got hives and shit… and so everyone once again was drunk but me… and then tonight… -__-;; bad luck galore. sigh. =__= drinking would have been fun! oh well. hehe.
jeremy is a freaking warrior! he can take like thirteen shots and not even be all that drunk… damn… =/
oh yeah and the countdown was hella lame because we kept switching channels because adriel wanted to watch a local countdown but the ones on were from nyc… and the times were off… so one second we would have ten minutes left… and after changing the channel, we’d have three minutes, and after changing the channel again we’d have fifteen seconds. basically everyone missed the countdown and it was weird, pathetic, and lame! and then they had confetti things and brandon was being a neat freak and cleaning up everything… and saying how people were messy… and clearing the table and stuff… hahaha… so funny. =/ oh well… =__= so fun.
how i want a boy… jeez.
2:27 am — correction — oh what the fuck… my bad memory has failed me again… i’ve been drunk 2x other than that in cali… once this past summer at world beat and the other time two summers ago at phil nho’s apartment… right… i lack a brain X__x;
1. What facial feature do you find the most attractive on others?: eyes and hair… heh
2. Would you vote for a woman candidate for president?: if she was worthy ^__~ nearly any woman vs. george w. bush = yes.
3. Would you marry for money?: no.
4. Have you had braces?: yes.
5. Do you pluck your eyebrows?: no.
6. Do you ever cut or hurt yourself?: no i’m a wuss!
7. When was the last time you had a hickey?: never!
8. Could you live without a computer?: not after i’ve had it!
9. Do you use ICQ, AOL Buddy list etc…?: aim… aol buddy list? HAHAHA.
10. What is your fav. quote?: “life is a bitch and then you die”. once again, not my favorite, but what comes to mind.
11. If you could live in any past time period, which would it be?: 7th grade.
12. Do you drink enough water?: no. milk, yes.
13. Do you wear shoes in the house or take them off?: off.
14. What is your favorite fruit?: pears and grapes and stuff.
15. Do you eat wheat bread or white? white. wheat if i must =/
16. What is your favorite place to visit?: uhhhh taiwan…?
17. What is the last movie you saw?: lord of the rings - fellowship of the ring… that was an hour ago. ^__^
18. Do you kiss on the first date?: depends.
19. Are you photogenic?: i think so.
20. Do you dream in color or black and white?: color. whoa… black and white… that’s something new.
21. Are you wearing fingernail polish?: not at the moment.
22. Is it chipped or fresh?: blah.
23. Do you have any dimples?: no.
24. Do you remember being born?: i wish i were never born. <~ the previous person’s answer hahahaha… i dig it.
25. Why do you take surveys?: cause i am lame.
26. Do you drink alcohol?: not really.
27. Did you like or do you like high school?: it was alright.
28. What is the most beautiful language?: japanese, just about.
29. When you are asleep do you like being kissed awake?: well, i wouldn’t know.
30. Do you like sunrises or sunsets the most?: sunsets.
31. Do you want to live to be 100?: til 10 would have been dandy.
32. Do you think women should be expected to shave their body hair?: yeah. haha.
33. Do you like salty food or sugary food the most? salty. and sugary. ^__^
34. Is a flat stomach important to you?: uh i don’t know… well not something i really care about, i guess.
35. Are you loyal?: sure.
36. Are you tolerant of other people’s beliefs?: i’d think and hope so.
37. When you watch movies at home, do you like the lights on or off?: either.
38. Do you believe in magic?: yeah.
39. Do you have nightmares frequently?: no… maybe like two total.
40. Do you like your nose?: no.
41. Do you like abstract art?: yes.
42. Do you think you can draw well?: mediocre.
43. Do you listen to music daily?: music is my life. <~ previous answer which i will also accept.
44. Do you like to watch cartoons?: yes… cartoons are my favorite thing to watch ^__~ well, and movies.
45. At what age did you find out that Santa Claus wasn’t real?: really early on… when we saw our parents sneaking presents into our room… yes yesso.
46. How many pairs of shoes do have in your closet?: i don’t put shoes in my closet. <~ unchanged again.
47. Do you like to wear the same shoes everyday or do you like a variety?: depends.
48. Do you write poetry?: yes.
49. Do you snore?: i think not.
50. Do you sleep more on your back, front, or sides?: i like sleeping on front while taking naps but i HAVE to sleep on my back at night unless i am really tired (i am a freak).
51. Would you rather have a poodle or a rottweiler?: poodle. =/ scary dogs scare me.
52. Do you lick stamps?: no need to anymore man.
53. Do you use an electric can opener?: no.
54. Have you ridden in a hot air balloon?: no.
55. Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain?: both.
56. Do you think balding men should shave their heads?: no, but i would if i were one.
57. Do you know anyone who is clinically depressed?: myself? close enough.
58. Do you prefer a piano or a violin?: violin but both are okay.
59. Are you a sex addict?: no.
60. Do you know someone who has cancer?: yes.
61. Where’s 62?: up your butt.
62. Do you hunt?: oh yeah it’s my favorite pasttime. =/
63. Do you like fast food joints, or expensive restaurants?: i don’t like expensive restaurants where you have to look nice. heh.
64. Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum?: both. :]
65. Do you have a middle name? no.
66. Are you basically a happy person?: no.
67. Are you tired?: usually.
68. Did you drink anything with caffeine in it today?: not to my knowledge.
70. How many phones do you have in your house?: ten. HAHAHA. four cells, six real. how cool are we?!
71. How long is your hair?: i just cut it so it is around up to my shoulders.
72. Do you get along with your parents?: sure.
73. What color of eyes o you prefer?: don’t have a preference.
74. Does Jamie like cake?: sure.
75. What medications do you take?: right now… vicodin and some other thing i don’t know the name of.
76. What does your bedroom look like?: messy.
77. What are your wishes?: to die. <~ unchanged.
78. But if you could only have one wish to come true, which wish would you wish for?: to die a peaceful way. <~ unchanged… wow… morbid kid! hahaha…
79. Whats your purpose in life?: i don’t know anymore.
80. IF you could help anyone in the world.. even give up something so precious to you.. who would you help and why?: don’t know.
81. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?: yeah ^__~
82. Do you have a dream that keeps coming back?: never.
83. Do you play an instrument?: used to play piano. learning to play guitar (sort of).
84. Do you believe there is life on other planets?: i don’t know. i think so.
85. Do you read the newspaper?: when i get it, i read the comics and sometimes the main page. sometimes entertainment.
86. Do you have any gay or lesbian friends?: just one, and some unknowns… heh heh.
87. Do you believe in miracles?: i don’t know.
89. Do you consider yourself tolerant of cops?: yes.
90. Do you like the taste of alcohol?: not the slightest.
91. Do you believe in astrology?: no.
92. Do you believe in magic?: you asked this already wtf. <~ unchanged.
93. Do you pray?: only when my parents are around and i have to act like i still pray.
94. Do you go to church?: once in a while… like four times a year?
95. Do you have any secrets?: of course.
96. Do you have any pets?: nope. i had goldfish once.
97. Do you go to or plan to go to college?: yes, i am in college.
98. What major?: graphic design, ideally. if not so ideally, sociology or criminology hmm… =/
99. Do you talk to strangers who instant message you?: yes but i’m not very pleasant.
100. Do you wear hats?: not that often anymore.
101. Do you have any piercings?: nope… used to have ears and eyebrow pierced… ;[ how i miss them all.
102. Do you hate yourself?: yes. well, i don’t know, maybe not hate… just not too fond of.
103. Do you wish on stars?: what’s the point when it never comes true? <~ unchanged.
104. Do you believe in ghosts? i don’t know.
105. Do you like sarcasm: i love it. =/
106. Do you take walks in the rain: yes, but more because i hate using umbrellas than any other reason.
107. sing in the shower: yeah, but not really anymore… sigh. damn dorm life bullshit!
[CURRENTLY]
[ eating ] : see’s peanut brittle.
[ mood ] : don’t know.
[ thinking ] : of what i shalt do later
[ singing ] : nothing because i am eating.
[ listening ]: “elle est a toi” bai assia (it’s french).
[ doing ] : typing.
[ looking at ] : my computer screen, dumbass. =/
[ life or no life? ] : no.
[ best friend ] : i have some.
[ wanting ] : things.
[ finding ] : nothing.
[ wasting ] : my time.
[ loving ] : people and things.
[ missing ] : people and things.
[ talking to ] : tin-win.
[ fighting with ] : myself.
[ smelling ] : not a thang thang.
[ about to ] : take another bite of peanut brittle.
[IN YOUR PARTNER]
[ shy or outgoing ] : outgoing.
[ what do you want from a partner? ] : well…
[ feature you notice first ] : eyes… and hair. and clothes.
[ looks/personality ] : personality.
[ piercings ] : i enjoy piercings on the eyebrow, ears, lips, labials (labias? whatever… the part under the bottom lip). but that’s it.
[ tan or fair ] : doesn’t matter.
[ punk or prep ] : neither. skater!
[ age difference limit ] : don’t know.
[ smart/dumb ] : smart.
[ funny/serious ]: both.
[MORE ABOUT ME]
[ chocolate milk, or hot chocolate ] : hot chocolate.
[ mcdonalds or burger king ] : mcdonald’s.
[ coke or pepsi ] : coke.
[ would you wanna marry your best friend, or the perfect man/woman/lover ] : perfect person… geez… what a dumb question. too bad it doesn’t exist…!
[ tea/coffee/cappuccino ] : all of the above. ^__~
[ cats or dogs ] : dogs.
[ milk, dark, or white chocolate? ] : dark first, then milk, white last.
[ sunny or rainy ] : sunny BUT rainy… *sigh.
[ winter, summer, fall, or spring ] : winter and fall.
[ vanilla or chocolate ] : chocolate.
[ biking or blading ] : blading, but biking is cool too.
[ cereal or toast ] : toast, but cereal is good too.
[ do ya like rock, punk, rap, r and b, alternative, techno, pop..etc ] : everything, but rock (metal, alternative, punk, ska, etc) and elektronika (drum’n'bass, trance, breakbeats, ambient, and trip-hop) are the best by FAR.
[ bunk or water bed ] : never tried water bed. i enjoy bunks, though.
[RELATIONS]
[ Best friends ] : they know who they are! :]
[ Friends that you look like ] : hana choi… so people said.
[ Who you go to for advice the most ] : i don’t know.
[ should talk to more ] : eh?
[ skinniest ] : seungbum kim.
[ loudest ] : phil wu. heh.
[ craziest ] : dunno.
[ funniest ] : phil nho.
[ nicest ] : josh hwang.
[ shortest ] : myself -__-;
[ tallest ] : *doesn’t know.
[ changed your life the most ] : *doesn’t know.
[FAVES]
[ color ] : dark red, grey, white, black, dark green. in that order.
[ ocean or pool ] : pool, i think…
[ laugh or cry ] : laugh.
[ silver or gold ] : silver.
[ diamonds or pearls ] : diamonds, but neither really.
[ sunset or sunrise ] : sunset, and you already asked.
[ showers or baths ] : showers. but i like baths. =/
[ snack ]: bananas.
[ board game ] : scrabble. tribond. outburst. taboo. etc. i <3 board games.
[ all-time song ] : one more day by new edition.
[ current song ] : come what may by ewan mcgregor and nicole kidman.
[ rap song ] : fuck that shit! well, probably a 2pac or eminem song.
[ holiday ] : *shrug.
[ movie star ] : brad pitt. orlando bloom.
[ magazine ] : *shrug… there are soooo many kool magazines.
[ tv show ] : malcolm in the middle… then simpsons… then friends… then blah.
[ Disney character ] : hmm strange… never thought about it. iono.
[ animal ] : turtles and monkeys.
[ cologne ] : hugo boss.
[ brand of sneaker ] : volatile.
[ activity ] : singing, listening to music, snowboarding, eating, drawing, etc.
[DO YOU..?]
[ do you like school ] : somewhat.
[ do you like to talk on the phone ] : no.
[ do you have your own phone line ] : somewhat.
[ do you like to dance ] : not really.
[LAST TIME YOU]
[ went runnin ] : eight billion years ago.
[ worked out ] : don’t know.
[ danced like a frickin idiot ] : half a month.
[ went to a movie ] : half a week.
[ talked on the phone ] : half an hour.
[ wished u were sumbody else ] : a while.
[RANDOM]
[ where would you love to travel to? ] : everywhere.
[ whats ur middle name? ] : nonexistant.
[ is ur hair color natural? ] : sort of.
[ do u have a cell phone? ] : yes.
[ whats ur online screen name ] : veeeeeveeeee. veektory. sOopahvi.
[ what do u want to do with your life? ]: succeed. <~ unchanged.
[ last time u went bowling ] : two days.
[ are u any good at bowling ] : no.
[ last time u went to the doctor ] : a week.
[ do u have a credit card ] : yes.
[ do u consider urself a “nice” person ] : i try… but i don’t know how well i succeed… not very well, i don’t think.
[ last book ] : “a wild sheep chase” by haruki murakami.
[ are u stressed out? ] : i don’t know.
[ do u believe in angels? ] : i don’t know.
[ what are u driving now? ] : a dark green honda accord.
[ u help pay for it? ] : no.
[ do u think ur spoiled? ] : yes.
[ do u like mustard? ] : no.
[ have u seen the exorcist? ] : no… we started it but never finished it.
[ how bout dumb &dumber? ] : yes.
[ ever been skydiving? ] : no.
[ number of piercings ] : zero.
[LAST THING YOU]
[ bought ] : “wither, blister, burn, peel” album by stabbing westward (off of e-bay).
[ did ] : ate a peanut brittle? (yuk).
[ ate &drank] : rice, corn, chicken, milk.
[ watched on tv ] : um… lord of the rings.
[EITHER/OR]
[ club or houseparty ] : houseparty… although i am not much one for those either.
[ tea or coffee ] : either or.
[ high achiever or easy-going ] : slacker with dreams of being a high achiever. go figure.
[ beer or cider ] : neither, but if i had to choose, cider.
[ drinks or shots ] : sit and watch the drunks do stupid things. <~ unchanged.
[ food or candy ] : food.
[ hug or kiss ] : hug.
[WHO DO YOU WANT TO]
[ kill ] : myself :O
[ slap ] : lots of people. <~ unchanged.
[ hear from ] : god. <~ unchanged.
[ tickle ] : no one.
[ look like ] : no one.
[ be like ] : no one.
[ avoid ] : lots of people.
—
december 30th, 2002 (waiting for something to justify me)
i’m listening to… “the end” bai edgewater orion [rock], “with arms wide open” bai creed [rock], “let’s make love” bai tim mcgraw and faith hill [country].
i’m feeling… as though hell is my residence.
8:23 pm — my left eye won’t stop tearing. that can’t be a good sign. =/
“i’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?” — beck
i’ll tell you what you want to hear, but no more than that. and you say what i wanted to hear… and now i understand, i got it: i made a mistake… but it’s a little too late.
my big bro andrew asked if the poems i write that are psycho and depressing are my mindset all the time or just some of the time. i’d say most of the time.
so i’m reading this guy’s xanga… http://www.xanga.com/home.asp?user=yell0wr0me0… if you read his last entry… it’s weird… it’s almost as if he was prepared to die (he died a couple days after the entry, i guess). freaky… =/ everyone seems to care so much after they’re gone, huh. wonder why that is… wonder if people would have that kind of sincerity for a person they didn’t know who was actually still alive.
but enough for my cynicism because this guy’s last entry makes me feel miserable. i wish i could find it to enjoy life to that extent… and i wonder why some people don’t. and some people do… god… i just want to know about everyone’s past and find out why people are the way they are… if they grew from experiences or fell because of experience… if they learned or were broken. some people crumble at the sight of confrontation and others face it bravely… and is it because of the way they were raised, the way they grew up, the people they admired… just what was it? it’s so not fair that people have flaws that are almost impossible to conquer no matter how hard they try… or that some people have been faced with some number of difficult situations when others see barely anything disappointing. it’s not fair in any way… -__- i wonder if people’s personalities are just how they were born or if they were molded by experiences and thoughts a certain number of ways. i don’t know if this makes any sense, but who cares.
another thing that has me thinking… the idea of christianity… of religions. it’s basically something i can’t really bring myself to believe in but… it feels so damn good to have something to fall back on and to keep you grounded. for the time that i was blindly following god i was content… not because everything in my life was going perfectly, but because i handled them, i accepted them, and i was content with them for some reason. but now that i don’t, it seems wrong to even try believing when not an inch of my brain is willing to accept the facts that are presented… -__-; i wish i COULD believe it because i honestly think the people who believe have a better quality of life not because they face less, but because they are content with more. too bad accepting it is easier said than done.
i told myself that over break i would do so many things but i’ve barely done anything. and my memory is waning… i’m going to have alzheimer’s… i guarantee. so just kill me now.
i got the ugliest haircut today too =/
god i am so frustrated with things that keep being brought up about the past… i just want to scream and throw a tantrum and not have to deal with things but that doesn’t really work now. i almost want school to start so i can keep my mind on something. actually, i do.
—
december 27th, 2002 (chip n dale)
i’m listening to… “you wouldn’t believe” bai 311 [ska-metal-alternative-rock], “change” bai the deftones [metal-rock].
i’m feeling… tired.
1:35 am — okay… so i just took some more vikodin and other painkiller thing that was prescribed to me and i’m just soooo tired now… i swear it’s cause i’m like malnourished these days -__-; lack of food other than soups and tofu and sugary stuff like ice cream and boba =__= yuk… =/ i feel like a big sugarplum. >__<
anyways. earlier tonight i went to milpitas and sunnyvale (basically south bay) with claire and fontaine… went to edgie’s at first to play some pool but i was sooo out of it from the painkillers that i could barely focus… -__-; but i did pretty well after the first couple of shots or whatever… made in my own balls a couple times though! dumb! then we went to nex… a pc bang… but for some reason the doors were mysteriously locked, so we went to this other pc bang, bbc… i like it a lot better than nex… same price ($2 an hour) but with more computers, better computers (in my opinion), and more lively people… heh. and people hit on claire… hahahahaha. funny. funny stuff. uhhh right. okay. and then we went to golfland for like an hour and played all sorts of music-instrument-type games that i suck at… i am so uncoordinated. and then we went to get boba. and now i am home. and i am tired. so bye.
ps — my cheeks are the size of my head. ;[ i look like a chipmunk. =__=
maybe i will make new year’s resses this year… sounds like a good idea. good idea? good idea. good idea! good idea?
oh yeah i got so lucky on the way back from milpitas… freaking… i was driving 80 on highway (65 mph) and then the guy who was in front of me was driving like the same speed and the highway patrol just drove past me on the right and pulled over the guy who was RIGHT IN FRONT of me!!!!! lucky!!!! no problem with cops yet here *knocking on wood. in fact, this is like the second time that’s happened to me… O__x and usually whenever i see cops it just so happens that i don’t feel like speeding at the time… tight.
(diana’s response:)
happy belated birthday, merry belated xmas, happy early new year! ^^; (i have a card but i need your address. i’ve lost it and it despairs me. =X)
i’m hoping to catch you on aim sometime soon.. i need to ask you about something. it’s not that important but it was vaguely unnerving and… just plain WEIRD. *cue twilight zone music* at least to me. =P disclaimer.
—
december 26th, 2002 (b-day greetings to the best roommate!)
i’m listening to… “under the bridge” bai red hot chili peppers [rock], “love is” bai ryuichi kawamura [japanese rock ballad], “hasta la vista” bai mc solaar [french rap (that or he’s just speaking spanish with a french accent heh)].
i’m feeling… =/
quote of the day — “life is like film… you use the negatives to develop.” =/ spanx to jahney (jeanette).
link of the day — to my psycho test: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv.
7:41 pm — i am fairly disappointed with my bad grades this past quarter. 3.1 in criminal justice and 2.2 in communications. my cumulative gpa changed by 0.01. … -__-;
anyways. i don’t know why… but even if i am not that much into raving anymore, it makes me happy when i see candy on other people! it’s nice to know when other people still go… i’m weird. =__=; for example a band member from “simple plan” had a bunch of candy on and it made me strangely happy. i have problems!
anyways, got my wisdom teeth pulled this morning… at like 9 am. not bothersome to me in the slightest. in fact, i found it to be very much fun. as soon as they woke me up, i was just thinking, “it’s fun.” i told them that too but i think they thought i said, “it’s funny.” i’m weird… O__x the drug they use they give to you through an iv… and you are just sitting there and you just get knocked the fuck out. they give you gas through a mask thing too… fauking weird! and when they wake you up, they just tell you to wake up and you wake up. i woke up a couple times during the surgery and they kept telling me to go back to sleep heh. my face is not that swelled… and i could walk afterwards… it’s totally fine. haha. fun fun fun. =__=
retook the test i take on like a half yearly basis just to see how i have changed every time. feels like i answered yes to a lot of things this time. i save my results from every year… i have more problems every year… =/ this year:
- low: borderline
- moderate: paranoid, schizoid, schizotypal, antisocial, histrionic, avoidant, dependent
- high: narcissistic, obsessive-compulsive
half a year ago:
- low: schizoid, borderline, avoidant, dependent
- moderate: paranoid, schizotypal, antisocial, narcissistic, obsessive-compulsive
- high: histrionic
a year ago:
- low: paranoid, antisocial, borderline, histrionic, dependent
- moderate: avoidant, narcissistic
- high: schizoid, schizotypal, obsessive-compulsive
well, at least no very highs =/
i’m pretty sure i agree with both… additional disorder information here.
1:16 am — go read my newest poem on my poetry page: http://board3.cgiworld.net/index.cgi?id=veektory1… i actually like it a lot… lord knows why. or does he? anyways. i’m not sure if vikodin really has effect on me, but i am feeling rather odd right now. may be mental, may be not.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO EVA. :]
—
december 25th, 2002 (d-caprio day)
i’m listening to… the sound of my computer working too hard.
i’m feeling… tired and fat.
12:19 am — jeebus… i am so freaking fat right now. i ate WAY too much this afternoon, morning, night. so… for christmas dinner, lunch, brunch, whatever, our family went up to sacramento and spent the day eating all sorts of yummy food with phil [wu]’s whole family. i admit at first it felt so weird being there but after being stuffed with yummy food, treated to a free movie, and given $100, i don’t care if it was weird being there! =P my dad and phil’s dad couldn’t eat because they are getting physicals tomorrow HAHAHAHA ^__~ so there was basically all this yummy food and they just had to sit around staring as people ate it right in front of them -__-; sad day. I FEEL SO FAT.
so guess what my mommy gave me for christmas? a wal-mart gift certificate! teehee.
today was leonardo dicaprio field day because i watched “gangs of new york” with him in it in the afternoon. that was alright. memorable, but… i don’t think i liked it too much. not to say it was bad… but i left the movie theatre feeling absolutely nothing. after the end credits everyone just kind of stared at the screen for a long while not sure what to do.
at night i watched “catch me if you can”, the OTHER dicaprio movie that just came out today. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE[D] IT. i thought it was sooo hilarious… and the directing just made things sooo funny. tom hanks is great in it… it’s really a great movie… *adding to favorites list >__< so now my list of favorite movies: “fight club”, “shawshank redemption”, “minority report”, “amelie”, “lord of the rings” and “catch me if you can”… amongst other weird things. ^__~ movies are terrifico. i absolutely love how in “catch me if you can” when the fbi was raiding houses and hotels and stuff how the camera was focused on their gun as they were walking HAHA… SO FUNNY. ^__^; and the animation for the intro credits was purely and absolutely geniuuuuus. >__< I LOVE IT. I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT. and leo is cute too. =P that movie seriously made me so happy… i walked out of the movie theatre just cheesing and everytime i picture scenes from it in my mind it makes me smile. haha. ^__^;
going to get wisdom teeth pulled out tomorrow so i have to wake up early… hence i am going to go pass out. peace outside.
—
december 23rd, 2002 (save me jeeeeebusssss please!)
i’m listening to… “rollin” bai limp bizkit [rap-rock], “she’s got issues” bai the offspring [punk rock], “les temps changent” bai mc solaar [french rap], “i will be waiting” bai d-cru [r&b], “butterfly” bai crazy town [stupid music].
i’m feeling… =/
5:34 pm — i’ve concluded that once you have established a name for yourself in any artistic medium, be it music, photography, painting, or what not, you can come out with the occasional or somewhat frequent piece of shit and people will still appreciate it because it came from someone so established. bullshit.
past few days i’ve just been kickin it with the cali people… phil [nho] is seriously the funniest guy ever… and it’s not even crude humor or inside-joke humor… he is just SO funny. >__< the funniest guy i know or have ever met in my life, seriously.
after coming back to cali this break, i have come to the conclusion that i like my life here 100,000x better than my life in washington. for reasons that are obvious… like i can eat whatever i want here, it’s convenient to do whatever i want, i have my car, etc… and for reasons that are not so obvious… last year i had fun in washington… because things were new. raving was new. school was new. people were new. but now… i freaking hate it. i hate my life there… especially in comparison to my life here. my friends here are so funny… and shit… i actually have friends that are girls…! my life there is just uber lame… the reason i don’t go out that much there is because i don’t find it that enjoyable. my friends here tease me, yeah, but we find other things to talk about… we talk about everything… there it’s like… we talk about things but it all just seems so surface, so pointless, so boring, so lame… and i get picked on way too much… i can’t stand it. i just wish i never left. i feel like i need to meet some new people in washington… people who i can actually feel more comfortable around… and talk to properly. right now if i say certain things i just feel like an idiot… transferring actually sounds enjoyable right about now. too late for this year… hopefully next year. =/ but yeah… upon people’s asking me if i’m happy in washington right now… i must say i am not. really not. i feel out of place and alone… and i feel more and more depressed there with each passing day, i swear. it may be the weather, but i think it is much more than that. i just don’t find it enjoyable there… ugh… fucking shit. :[ too bad my grades are too bad to transfer… it is just an endless horrible existence… maybe i will be able to leave next year… go to irvine or something. i would like to. i would love to.
i’m losing myself in washington… everything i had once enjoyed doing… like learning languages, music, making webpages… just seem to be so useless and i just don’t feel like doing ANYTHING. and i need to find some people who i can relate to better… people there are so fucking different in washington… UGH… social backgrounds are so different… people there seem so uninterested in things and are so fucking boring. i can’t think of a person i know here who has no interests… but people there seem to rarely have interests. i know people here who like snowboarding, who like art, who like THINGS… not as many people there like that kind of shit… UGH. i think i just need to meet more people there who i can actually fucking learn from. and it seems like people i know there are so godamn dependent on drugs… drugs are supposed to ENHANCE the fun, not fucking MAKE the fun… god, i hate things there… *rawr. save me, jeebus.
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december 20th, 2002 (the long hard road out of hell)
i’m listening to… “kryptonite” bai 3 doors down [rock], “anyway” bai edgewater orion [rock], “les temps changent” bai mc solaar [french rap], “brick” bai ben folds five [rock], “i will survive” bai cake [rock].
4:31 pm — i don’t really feel like going into details about our trip yesterday because there are so many annoying details but i will attempt to anyways. i’m a little sore too… ow. =__=;
so phil [wu] called me at 3:00 in the morning and woke me up… i was supposed to wake up at 2:00 but i didn’t =__=; but then i got ready really fast and jason [yi] and phil picked me up and we went to castro valley to pick up jason’s friend leann. drove to nelson’s where we were supposed to meet up with him, jeremy, and linette… only nelson didn’t wake up so they made me call his house (since his parents don’t know me) and wake him up… and linette didn’t wake up either, since nelson was supposed to wake her up as well. -__-;; but yeah so we left like an hour later than anticipated but that was alright…
along the way we stopped at the mcdonald’s everyone always stops at on the way up to tahoe… and then we drove up… jason drove his subaru impreza and nelson drove his uhhh… i forgot ^__^; (their family has freaking nine cars…!!!) but anyways, it was a big car. so… we went up to tahoe, but along the way it was snowy so we drove really really slow on this one part… i was in jason’s car with him, leann, and phil… and all of a sudden the car spun in two circles and slammed into a wall of snow on the side of the road (luckily it was snow). apparently some fagwad’s metal snowchain thing broke and there was a piece of it on the ground… it punctured jason’s tire, causing it to burst… spin, etc. we were on the side of the road and i was so scared that someone else was going to do the same thing and crash into us… because a civic spun out like ten feet away from us >__< scary. someone yelled at us, saying that it was a bad place to park our car, and so we moved it up some where this other car was… and jason’s friend broke his jack so luckily there was this hispanic guy there who had one for us to use… and we put on the spare and had to drive insanely freaking slow… me and phil crammed into nelson’s car with me and jeremy in the front seat and phil and linette sharing a back seat. leann stayed in jason’s car and it took us FOREVER to get to a gas station, hoping that they would sell tires, but they didn’t -__-; so we went like 12 or so miles to boreal… driving soooo fucking slow… it was so uncomfortable and boring… -__-; jason lost control in his car another time along the way but it wasn’t nearly as bad as the first time. when we got to boreal, nelson’s car didn’t have eough room for all of us, so jason’s car got parked there, and me, phil, jeremy, and linette got dropped off to go snowboarding =/ very messed up the way things worked out -__-;; so… leann, jason, and nelson drove with the only normal car to truckee (like another fifteen miles away) to get jason a new tire and stuff. except problem was that on the way back, this big-rig jack-knifed and so there were stuck there too! apparently a lot of people got stuck there… =/ and everyone was just walking around waiting for it to get cleared up. craziness. meanwhile, me, linette, phil, and jeremy were eating disgustingly expensive boreal resort food and snowboarding on -mostly- the bunny hill (twice on the non-bunny >__<). it doesn’t really matter because it was only ten bucks (college student’s discount) but yeah… it was snowing really hard (i got mad windburn) and there were only two lifts open. it was sooooooooo cold. =/ i can board a lot better when there is powder, though, because without the fear of falling, it’s alright. everyone got tired really fast… =/ it was alright… if not just for the horrible snow… when coming down the slope you seriously can’t see anything… >__<; faukin suck. it was kind of a damper on everyone’s moods too because half the people weren’t there and everyone felt bad that the two drivers were the ones who didn’t get to go snowboarding…
so then hours upon hours later (at least four hours), nelson, jason, and leann returned with the tire and they tried changing it in the parking lot. it was snowing so hard… and they had to borrow someone’s jack again. and then this big snowplow freaked out everyone cause it looked like it was going to crash into jason’s car -__-;; on the way out of the parking lot, there was so much snow that jason’s car got stuck and it took a while for us to get out >__<; and on the way down the mountain jason almost crashed into the car in front of us because his brakes didn’t really work again… and he had to pull the emergency break and it was alright. he has really bad luck with cars -__-;;; and yeah… afterwards he took leann home and then we went to nelson’s to get my snowboard and cause jason had to ‘help him with something’ that i still do not quite understand haha. then he drove me home… and that was the end of a horrible birthday experience (although it wasn’t even that bad for me). it was probably the longest day i’ve had in a looooong time, though.
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decembre 19th, 2002 9ambiguity)
i’m listening to… “smooth” bai rob thomas + santana [rock], “come what may” bai ewan mcgregor + nicole kidman [musical], “what i got” bai sublime (acoustic) [rock], “killing me softly” bai the fugees [r&b], “bubbly toes” bai jack johnson [folk rock].
i’m feeling… =/
10:28 pm — i am rather pissed because i just typed this hugely long entry and somehow it got erased. rather pissed i am. but i will try to convey what i was saying again (although i don’t think i will be able to). funny how words never come out the same again.
there are factors that shape everyone’s lives… friends, family, life experiences in general. some life experiences invoke similar reactions among all that have witnessed or experienced them. no examples come to mind that i am willing to share. but… i used to think that the people who blamed their actions and the way they were on these life experiences were just trying to find the easy way out of a difficult situation. i assumed that they blamed it on these things because it was the easiest thing to do, not because they were actually so changed. but upon thinking now… upon feeling the after-effects… perhaps i am but trying to find an excuse as well, but it is right to blame. no one even knows what i’m talking about. ambiguity returns. *sigh. don’t know if anyone will ever understand.
i don’t even know where to start explaining it… just wish someone felt the way that i do. i guarantee someone does; i just wish i could find him or her. or maybe i have. who knows…? just don’t quite understand why people see me the way they do because i most certainly do not see it.
so… i went to my old high school (amador) today because tomiko and lena wanted me to… and my old journalism teacher remembered me… and that motherfucker kicked me out!! i’m so fucking pissed… what a bitch. i bet i am the only fucking visitor who has ever gone to his class and he kicks me out? i am so fucking pissed… that is so fucked up. you don’t kick your old student out, especially if you remember her? he must hate me. actually, i don’t think he likes many a person. dick.
my old high school changed a lot… the library is like two stories tall now… or so they would have you believe! apparently it was supposed to be two stories tall but they ran out of money, so they stopped building the second story completely. actually, i was thinking they didn’t want to build a two-story library because columbine had one, but that’s just my skepticality. =P
but then i went to watch “lord of the rings : the two towers” with fontaine, claire, richard, and dottie and it was raining hard i guess so i ran through hella flooded puddles and got my shoes and up to my knees all wet for the whole movie. that sucked… but at least i got to see my precious, beautiful, sexy, graceful, hunky legolas. elves are so freaking dope… so pretty and graceful and stuff… wahhhh *drool ~ >__<; he’s equally cool in this movie! but yeah, it was pretty cool… i liked the trees especially haha… freaking cool. but i won’t go into details… don’t want to spoil it for anyone. =/ i’m such a nerd. oh well… peace… =/
* ROB THOMAS AND SANTANA - SMOOTH *
december 18th, 2002 9fat cat in a hat with a bat)
i’m listening to… korean ost songs from “gaeul donghwa”, “gyuhool yunga” and “yupgi chuhgeen geunyuh”. ^__^
i’m feeling… u b e r l y - f a t .
1:30 am — a night out with the normal kiddos… or like 1/3 of the normal killa kali kiddos again. har har. i’m scared to see my grades this quarter! anyways.
so around 7-8 pm-ish me, xinlei, claire, fontaine, and dahye went to tapioca express, got some boba, sat around for a while, and then decided to go to nex, a pc bang in k-town. it fucking sucked! we tried playing on daf server (the uw server i usually go to) and my computer was lagging like mad and my ping was like 200 something even though the other girlies’ were not that high >__< rawr. but then we played a lan game and it was like 9 ping so it was uberly cool! no lag! i’ve not played without any lag in a long, long, long time, i think. did pretty good too! 17-15 ^__^
afterwards, went to edgie’s… dahye and xinlei went home first so me, claire, and fontaine (claire and fontaine i haven’t seen for like a year! literally! T.T) went to edgie’s to play pool. richard [lee] and dottie happened to be there. played a couple games… the first was SO pathetic… we couldn’t hit anything in… and then i actually did really good for a while! i was hustling… (and surprising myself jeebus). i think concentration makes a big big difference in pool. ^__~
anyways, going to visit amador (the old high school) tomorrow because tomiko and lena want me to… but i’m scared! freaking… i’m going to be an old fogie! but at least i’ll see my freaking hot ass asian skater boy! he was a sophomore when i was a senior so he’s a senior now too. HE IS SOOOO HOT. hahahahahahaha. =__=; i know, i’m a sicko.
going to watch lord of the rings early on tomorrow too! i heard it was even better than the first one! i also heard that the elf looks even better in this one than he did in the first one! jeebus, must watch! must watch now!
going to get so fat in cali.
peace!
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december 16th, 2002 (vagina monologues)
i’m listening to… “bad boys” the movie on hbo.
i’m feeling… …
11:51 pm — i just watched the “vagina monologues” on hbo. hm. interesting. very interesting. did anyone know there were things in africa called rape camps? basically women and girls were brought to these camps and were raped and raped and raped by many different people with their penises, with brooms, with bottles, with guns… -__-; and they were because the families had different political opinions or something like that.
“bad boys 2″ is coming out? kind of a long gap… i’d say.
that’s when will smith was cool. :] now… i don’t know.
“bad boys” is soooo funny.
watched “two can play that game” earlier. fucking hilarious movie har har har. black people are funny. ^__^ well, i go. payce.
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decembre 15th, 2002 (knowing you did)
i’m listening to… “my december (rmx)” bai linkin park [breakbeats], “undertow” bai tool [rock metal].
i’m feeling… phlegmy. =/
4:20 pm — and i can lack it and not care, but not while i’m here.
and i’ve figured it out.
and i’ve figured him out.
and i knew it;
it was right in front of my eyes.
logical in every sense of the word.
but too late, i think.
celebrated josh’s birthday last night… just sat around, ate some cake at seung’s and they smoked some ganja. i said no thx. i’m sick of it again.
some words that describe my feelings better than i could do so myself (especially the second one by mandalay)…:
this is my time of the year.
this is my december;
this is all so clear.
this is my december;
this is my snow-covered home.
this is my december;
this is me alone.
and i…
just wish that i didn’t feel
like there was something i missed.
and i…
take back all the things i said
to make you feel like that.
and i’d give it all away,
just to have somewhere to go to.
give it all away,
to have someone to come home to…
* LINKIN PARK - MY DECEMBER *
you invited me in,
as if it’s nothing.
we tread on old ground,
as if it’s nothing now.
it’s like i hardly see the sky somedays.
it’s like you hardly ever said a word.
and i’d do better if i turned my head,
knowing you did.
i wouldn’t be here
if you could have said no.
i wouldn’t have come here,
if i had ever known.
* MANDALAY - INSENSIBLE *
and i can lack it and not care, but not while you’re here.