crapload o’ junk.
there’s actually a crapload of junk that i would like to update but i don’t really have the willpower for it lately. there’s just soOoOooooOooOOooOOooOOOooOO much to do. i’m not even joking around. +__+ i just want to kind of curl up into a ball and die 
YAY DEATH BALL.
anyway, i had a reason for writing this… what was it again?! oh yeah.
i think so far i’ve done pretty well at straying away from the whole, hello, i am asian girl, i can do nothing but become whatever my parents want me to be, but as i was discussing with jeanette the other day, no matter what, with every decision i make, there is this nagging feeling of incredible dread that something will result in my being bitched out by my parents. not my parents, so much, actually, but more like my mom. my dad doesn’t give a flying fuck anymore… at least not so much. he just wants us to be happy. mom… is another story.
the other day my mom was like, “you better not bring home a hippie as a boyfriend.” along with shit like, “marry someone rich.” or “marry chinese.” like i give a fuck about any of those things. like jesus christ. i feel like an eternal kid. i find it to be extremely selfish to say that kind of shit to your kid. maybe, like, find someone that treats you right is good. maybe. but why does everything have to be so negative lol. as if it’s not enough pressure to begin with to even find someone who you are completely happy with. now i have to worry about what she thinks too? no thanks. like, i’m sorry if you’re racist and care too much about money, but i’m not. and i know money was hard growing up and all, but really, i don’t find money to be that hard to come by. i don’t spend money so therefore money is easy to save up. i don’t need to marry rich. i just need to marry someone who will make me happy. that’s it.
fucking asian parents man. like jeanette was saying… they honestly have no idea as to the degree of negative effect they have on their kids. everyone ranks asian kids as all “successful” but it’s interesting because a lot of them might be rather successful in studying but just suck at life other than that. because they’ve lived their whole lives for other people.
in december i will be going to munich with sherry because her parents are there, and you know, free housing and shit. i want to have a layover in amsterdam for like, 7 hours or something, so that i can explore the city by myself a little. i’ve never been to a foreign country by myself. frankly, i’ve never been allowed to. wish i had studied abroad, but it’s a little too late for that (unless i go get my TEFL in peru… ah, a girl can dream… and possibly do in the near future). and i mean, if i’m going to have a layover anyway, might as well make it an interesting one. the amsterdam red light district is only 15-30 minutes away, and is well worth it since i’d have a 9 hour layover with probably about 6 hours of exploration time. this is something really simple. go to amsterdam during the daytime. explore by yourself. shouldn’t be a fucking big deal. but it would be a big deal. and i can’t even say something this simple to these parents. i’d never hear an end to the bitching. i’m a girl. i’m too young. i’m a girl. i’m a girl? i’m a girl. etc. etc. and that’s just not cool.
life decisions are hard enough but these days, as i’m wondering and double-guessing what i want to do with the rest of my life, having to put up with so many other people’s emotions is freaking unbearable. i would be content to live my life working part-time, and doing freelance or contract work on the side, and honestly, although living like that can be erratic, i’ve never been short of money doing that. in fact, i’ve had major amounts of money saved up from those jobs which have allowed me to fund my magazine and all that, which is no cheap enterprise. yet if i do that, i never hear the end of it. even working 32 hours rather than 40, i never hear the end of the bitching. it’s so exhausting. i’m tired of pleasing other people. i ignore a lot of it. i just say yeah, whatever. but in the back of my head, things really do effect the way you think. you begin to wonder, maybe i should do this. maybe other people are right. maybe, maybe… i’m the only one doing this… why am i the only one doing this? well, the answer is, everyone else wished they could only work contract or freelance but they can’t… and that’s why they don’t. that’s the nitty gritty truth of it all. so why do i feel so bad for doing these things?
and it would be so simple to write off these unfounded opinions, but you know, obligation, they’ve done so much for you, blahblahblah, makes it difficult. so instead, i’m trapped in this eternal battle between what i want to to do and what i’m told i want to do. and here i am, trying to please both sides. and really, that doesn’t work. instead, these days, i think i’m the one who is thoroughly unpleased. and i mean thoroughly. THOROUGHLY.