inside the wonderful world of vee

i’m watching… fresh prince of bel-air.
i’m feeling… ok yarrr!so i don’t even know where i am at anymore with dates really, but whatever.

friday, august 4th, 2006 — someone wrote on sushimonsters that momoya on kirkland was teh uber awesome so we went there as part of our anniversary celebration and it was pretty good… their cactus roll was quite yummy — has garlic in it and is rather spicy and is kind of good O__o

saturday, august 5th, 2006 — lenny and i went to ghost town and umm stuff! it was right outside of leavenworth, at a place called… what was it called, i don’t even remember anymore. oh yeah, it was blewett (i had to look it up). blewett was an old mining town. we couldn’t find it at first — all we found was a placard marking blewett as a historical site. lucky us, though, we saw this little creek/river, and there was a guy with a boat, and it was rigged up to individual baskets for panning for gold. so he told us to go across the street and that there wasn’t really much left. there really wasn’t. there was just a old stamping mill that was all crumpled up and exploded and you couldn’t even really tell what it was anymore. there were also three individual mines, one of which had a really steep insane slope down to the entrance. the other ones were fairly normal. unfortunately, we didn’t have a flashlight, so we couldn’t really go into it or anything, although there probably would have been an animal inside that’d maul our faces off. :0 anyway, then we basically came back and bought some weird candy around leavenworth.

tuesday, august 8th, 2006 — lenny and i’s one year anniversary. honestly, i don’t remember what happened. not much, i don’t think, since we did other stuff already. i made him a video. you can see it on youtube. but i’m not telling you how. but if you really want to know, you can tell me, and i might show you.

anyway, miscellaneous things in between… work sat me down (the city of kent) and had a talk because they felt like i was slacking on coming in and stuff, which i guess i was… and yeah. things are all good now. sushi monsters has been doing okay, been averaging 100 hits a day these past few days, which is pretty sweet. sent off the past few copies of redefine to distributors to see what they’d say — didn’t get an answer from some, but others said they’d be interested if it were just a normal 8.5″ x 11″ on glossy paper — which the last copy was not. sooo i’m going to spend a few hundred bucks and make that happen and send it out again, and chances are pretty good, i think, that we will get a distribution deal. from there, i’m not really fucking sure, but i’m just kind of going with the flow.

thursday, august 17th, 2006 — andy [crossett] and i went to look for apartments in bellevue and fucking aghhh we found the perfect freaking place, brand newly remodeled, new everything. i wanted to put down deposit. he said… how about we take our chances and don’t do it. and we didn’t. so we went to posa’s to look @ his apartment but the apartment people weren’t there, so we just hung around posa’s apartment for a while. we decided to go back and put down a deposit — too bad, the apartment was now taken. in a matter of half an hour or something. god fucking damnit, that place was seriously PERFECT. it was soooooo nice i’m really kind of annoyed when i think about it — that’s the last time i listen to someone else! we ended up finding a place not too far down, on 140th and 12th. it’s spanish-looking. i dunno, it seems alright. the bathrooms are new. which is cool. fantastic. getting out of here in a matter of days. cool.

friday, august 18th, 2006 — weee. so sherry was supposed to come up to go to oregon with andy and lenny and i, but unfortunately her flight got cancelled and they wouldn’t fucking even give her a discount on booking another ticket. honestly ridiculous poor hairy. her plans for the weekend were completely debunked. sooo we left for oregon a bit later than we had originally planned, which was as soon as sherry got here @ midnight. we ended up leaving @ 8 in the morning. went to our campground @ champoeg. missed the exit, and so we went to shop @ the outlets for a little bit. i bought a couple shirts and a pair of rocketdog shoes that totally rock ass. anyways, we left and headed onto the ghetto campground, with no really exciting trails or anything. they looked interesting on the website, but the website lied. i think the photos were taken during spring when all the flowers were in bloom. in summer — really not so exciting. anyways, after we got to the campground and checked in (around 2), we immediately left for the oregon coast. stopped by seaside, and the beach there was really unexciting, so we went to cannon beach which was 800,000x more exciting, 2x as big, and 1/2 as crowded. so it was totally awesome. we also brought a skimboard with us and so i learned to skim, and i think i have the hang of it for the most part. i can’t do it totally consistently, but about 75% of the time, i think… although when you get off the board and stop for a while and try to do it again, it feels a little awkward!! cannon beach is sooo very nice. pretty sand, pretty water, no seaweed, wtf. it’s really kind of weird. one of the nicest beaches i’ve gone to, i think, with the exception of thailand. way better than fucking gross ass northern california ughhh! after skimboarding and cannon beach and stuff we drove home, and along the way, stopped by this weird gas station with weird people that sold a lot of guns and knives and it was gross and had a weird vibe. but yeah… got home and went to bed. it was very late and dark by then — well not that late… probably about 10pm.

saturday, august 19th, 2006 — woke up at like 10 the next morning and went to portland to andy’s sister’s house. it was a nice ass apartment with really awesome furniture that she got ultra cheap. sat around for a while eating animal crackers and eventually she left, so we went swimming @ her apartamento complex. there was one weirdo guy who… was weird, but anyway, the pool was also odd. the deepest part was 4′ but generally it was 3′6 all around the pool. why that height, i’m not really sure. we swam for a while and they had community blow-up rafts, so that was fun! played marco polo for a while and i think i splashed water at random people at some point. but yeah, pools are always fun!!! i think i got a bit darker!!! after that, we drove to the cove palisades campground, which was pretty much in the middle of nowhere. we had to drive through the mountains to get there. people were scared! cause the sun was red and looked like it was bleeding and it looked like it was red because something was on fire. i’m still not really sure what the deal was, but it was weird. when we finally got there, that whole place smelled weird as shit too, every five feet or so when you got into the boonie little (zombie-infested) cities had a different kind of scent — probably because they planted buttloads of different crops there. earth2o water is located in culver there! that only has 700 people or so, lol. anyway, like four hours later or something, we got there, and it was kind of weird, it was like we were in arizona, with this giant canyon and shit. it was quite a trek down to even get to the campsite… basically it was across this little suspension bridge that connected two plateaus or something. it was weird! but we made it across and we had purchased salmon and scallops, and marshmellows that were never eaten, and andy had bought tofurkey sausages that he said tasted like sawdust. yeah! sawdust!!! we also bought potatoes and corn, because we were going to throw them into the campfire, but unfortunately, that camp was in such a dry area that they wouldn’t allow campfires so we could only use the portable coleman grill lenny bought. we could boil corn, but the potatoes could not be eaten, so they were not eaten. most unfortunate. but i cooked the scallops with butter and garlic salt and mmmmmm they were super good. the salmon was super good too yayyyyyyyyy yummy everything. nothing like eating phat feastings at a campground. lol. we went to bed shortly after eating although our neighbors were uber freaking loud. but whuteva. they were playing music up past 10pm and the camp people came and yelled at them and said that if they kept it up, they’d get ejected. unfortunately, they didn’t. oh well.

sunday, august 20th, 2006 — the next morning, we got up and went on a hike around the area. in ‘arizona,’ if you will. we saw two different types of lizards, blue-tailed skink and something else. the same two breeds were all over the freaking place. also saw a rabbit. and a squirrel pushing an egg that we thought was an out-of-the-norm animal egg, but it turned out to be just a chicken egg, and that was disappointing. also saw a bunch of different stupid spiders. at some point we went down the mountain trail to the water and saw some path along the side of a hill that hadn’t been traveled very much. no shit. i led the way and it was freaking spider web haven; i got spider webs all over the place (good thing they were thick ones… sick!!!) so finally lenny took the path and even then we decided there was too many and turned around. seemed like we were going into the unknown anyways… on the way back (well, and to), we tried to catch lizards but to no avail — them bitches is fast! finally we left the campground and started to head back. a ghost town was supposedly on the way, but the highway entrance to that highway was really poorly marked. we drove well past a gas station when we decided to go back and talk to the people there, and they said, “yeah, we get 100 people a day asking us how to get to 97 cause they’ve missed it. it’s very poorly marked.” the reason we were going to take 97 was because i wanted to stop by shaniko ghost town on the way. shaniko was such a joke. on some ghost town website it was labeled top 10 ghost town in the united states. it is a ghost town no longer, although the old buildings are still there. the people in the town have turned it into a tourist attraction — with museums and corny attractions. nothing much really costs money, which was cool, cause most everything was on a donation basis. but basides that, it was kind of a creepy little tourist trap town run by senior citizens who weren’t really that friendly. there was a sheriff, however, wearing the traditional wild west sheriff garb, carrying a shotgun, and that was kind of interesting. people kept firing off shotguns too, with blanks. interesting. but not what i had wanted. i think my love affair with ghost towns has exploded. sigh. ghost towns (or former ghost towns) with highways running through them are no freakin thx. bitches. anyway, after that, we drove back, and it took quite a while to get home, but finally we made it. yupyup. so concludes our oregon trip. on the way back, i took some rockin videos of lenny singing and dancing to things like britney spears’ “toxic,” and it was freaking awesome. heehee.

lately andy and i have been the last ones left about the apartment (well, for the MOST part, although other people still have stuff here)… and so we’ve been basically bumming around the tv all day. the really stupid retarded part is arlen took all of the routers so andy and i had to SHARE the freaking internet cord (which you have to restart between switching computers every time — it’s so fucking stupid). but i think come wednesday internet will be disconnected, as will cable, so i’m not 100% sure what we’re going to do lol. we’ll see about this. well i guess we are ok to move in on sunday, but regardless of that, it still doesn’t really matter.

time to go. blahblah. my entries sure godamn suck now.

i THINK today was my last day at rubber stamp. the day before, david had taken me aside and basically said that he felt it wasn’t working out for them or me, and that the only reason i hadn’t been fired yet is because he thought that i was one of the people that the company could make a huge difference for. i begged to differ and quit. but he said some nice things and some things to think about — about how i am not meticulous enough — and i guess i have to see that. but that environment just wasn’t for me. i’m getting along fine in the kent place now even though they have fuckloads of directions and formalities because they are the city, but i don’t care, because i respect the people there. and i don’t mind listening to them about their analness. it’s alright. with rubber stamp, it just wasn’t… i do feel bad because i left them half-stride. i was going to give them two weeks, but he said he didn’t need it, so i gave them two days instead. but actually, i just checked out the frugalities.com website right now, and it seems like it looks way fooking better since after i left. they actually gave whoever is updating it creativity visually, where they had just wanted me to keep it exactly the same. so, it’s better. well, some things are better, and some things are worse. it’s weird, though, because they changed all the text and the formatting of the code and everything. what possessed this? i wonder. looks like the change was the best for everyone. good.

anyway, i think it’s pretty awful that i never write in this thing anymore… how sad… :[ i guess i just don’t have that much time for myself these days? i am too set on working to attempt to get somewhere else. then i’ll have all the time i want for myself? maybe?

i’m listening to… “like it or not” by madonna (the best track on her new album, if you ask me), her majesty the decemberists by the decemberists.
i’m feeling… alright.somewhere around 3:00 am — starting yesterday, i’ve been making daily lists of shit i need to do. i need some kind of organization system. there’s just too much shit that is too easy to blow off… and when you’re your own boss, motivation is HIGHLY necessary.

anyways. lately lenny and i have been working on our sushimonsters website which is dedicated to sushi… a lot of working on that, actually. that and redefine. you’d think i have a full-time job, only i am broke as shit. in fact — i don’t think i have been this broke in YEARS. seriously. i really am living off paycheck to paycheck… it’s really quite depressing when i think about it. and point is, i’m broke cause i didn’t turn in my time sheet last month, and… yeah. … sad.

went to a job interview last week, and I ACTUALLY GOT CALLED BACK FOR A SECOND INTERVIEW. i have NEVER. i must make a poor impression at interviews, cause people always compliment my portfolio and my resume and stuff, but then… i never get jobs. but i hope this one works out, because it’s for a scrapbooking company — and although i’d never really pay for that shit, shit, i’ll take a potential discount. i LIKE the stuff… it’s just way too expensive for my blood. i haven’t updated my photo album in a long while — something i’ll have to get to doing when i have more time…

i hope i get the job also, though, cause it is 4 days a week in TACOMA (really fucking far…) and the office is in the STICKS. that being said, though, fridays will be worked from home… and that is pimp shit. amongst other things. i need money, being the main one. if i don’t get some money… i really probably am going to stop with redefine. honestly? i don’t give a shit if i work a job and put some money into it. but i need a job. blah. the chance of me surviving off of it… slim to none. but that doesn’t mean i want to stop doing it. particularly if i have the money… money makes the world go round — i’m learning this. but i still want to do what i want to do. no compromises.

i find that i am getting calloused by people… i try to be motivated by good intentions but i mmmmm i don’t know. i suppose things never turn out the way you want them to?

i don’t like the idea of not getting along with people. unfortunate. because in the case i am thinking of, i should not care. in this particular case that comes to mind though… the only one that is my “not getting along with people,” i should say, cause i have never hated anyone else but him… with the exception of ONE other person who i hated because he did some REALLY fucked up shit that i won’t even begin to explain… i didn’t even hate this guy i dated before coming to college who told everyone i had sex with him. whatever. doesn’t even sweat it. but in this case, i hate. but not because i really care. but because i regret. i regret sticking up for him, so many times, when other people said he was a jackass and a terrible person. i regret defending him and saying, hey, give him a chance… he’s really not that bad of a person. i don’t even know HOW many times i took that leap. i said, hey, he’s my friend, chill out, at least don’t talk shit around me, cause he’s my friend. friend my fucking ass. to make it even worse… everyone he is surrounded with, he knew through me. his girlfriend? through me. does it matter to him? i suppose not. maybe he doesn’t even care about the other friendships. i wouldn’t be surprised. but personally, i regret it, although i did meet a few people through him, but for the most part, it is relatively worthless to me. whatever. it’s just uncomfortable when you think you’re being really good to someone and someone returns no such sentiments, i suppose. fuck the sacrifice… i’m getting more and more cynical about people everyday. in the end: i’m glad it’s over, albeit at the risk of the destruction of harmony. but asides from that… it’s alright. just CALLOUSING. i suppose i should consider it a learning process. something along the lines of… hmmm… even if a person is your friend, if the person is an asshole, maybe you should re-think it. note to self: made.

i never really was cynical about people. i have ALWAYS been cynical about THINGS and the outcome of THINGS… but never about people individually. but it’s changing…

today i blew up at lenny a little bit, cause i was annoyed that i had just gotten a ticket and had made a turn when the light was red blahblahblah. was driving down pine or pike or something, and some lady was trying to get in… and lenny was like, did you see her? and i said, yea. but i didn’t FEEL like letting her in. most of the time i do. but i dunno. i didn’t feel like it. and i don’t think that needed an explanation. and my explanation was that i didn’t feel like letting her in. that’s kind of terrible. i didn’t feel like letting her in because i didn’t feel like being nice. i suppose that is something i’ve always done upon feeling bad — withdrawal. it’s natural for most people, but it’s not good. it must be sought out and reprimanded (hahaha).

alright, so onto actual journal stuff, since i never type in this shit anymore… i really should. and i really should back it up too, in case one day it goes kerblunker. cause it’s very possible. yes… note to self. asap.

mmm… i mentioned in the previous post that scm came up one week. didn’t really say much about that then because i didn’t feel like it, so i suppose i will now. there was much videogame playing, and that was the extent of it. brett [pwny] and i did have some good conversation, though. human interactions are so weird. some people it is pretty natural to be comfortable around… and some people it’s difficult no matter what. and some people it’s easy to be around under certain settings, but not under others. i’m not making sense. i don’t know… but uh i guess pwny has a $50,000 modeling program that he managed to download for free? that has nothing to do with anything, but HOLY SHIT MAN.

last week, liz came up from cali to hang out in seattle. mmm. yes. me, her, eva, and lenny went to the woodland park zoo. first time, first time. hmm… it was pretty subpar. a small place, so i suppose it is natural. i did like a couple of things, though: - there was a re-creation of a tribal hut in africa. that was neat… but didn’t really have anything to do with animals. - there were also a bunch of gorillas, and one kept doing somersaults. god, i swear, monkeys are so much like people. there was a “grandma” gorilla who had her tongue out half the time and seriously was just sitting in the corner like a wise sage watching over the other gorillas. WITH A CANE IN HAND. WHAT THE FSCK. seriously kind of freakish how similar they are — gorilla arms are just like human arms. GOD. HOW CAN TRIBAL PEOPLE EAT BUSHMEAT??? that’s all i have to ask. jeezus. - penguins. we were watching them for a LONG ASS TIME (the place was about to close), waiting for them to jump into the water. they kept standing in a line and inching forward (teases) and then they would not jump for like 20 minutes. but then we left to go to the… - nocturnal exhibit. which was pretty fscking cool. man, hedgehogs are SOOOOO CUTE. and bats are cool too — i don’t know why they get all the stigma they get, but they do. didn’t know anteaters were nocturnal, though. good to know. is it? maybe not. but yeah, the nocturnal exhibit was completely dark. and there were these blind cave fish with pure white eyeballs. wewt. damn scary ass blind shit down deep in the unknown!! unfortunately, the place was small, so all of the animals that were there were animals that i pretty much have already seen. but whuteva. bigger zoo next time, hopefully… mmm while liz was still here, i suppose the only other notable thing really was that she (and a little bit of i, but mostly she) beat “mario 3″… that was sweet. on the last day before liz left, she and eva had coffee plans and i tagged along. that was cool. lots of reminiscing. aaah, kind of like being in 1406. i miss it at times. i think i miss it a lot, actually. life was much more… simpler. i suppose. it was just fun times with fun people… party all the time… now i party no times… how lame. life flies by so fast. it’s depressing. but yeah. there was lots of talks of shrooms. for some reason. i suppose cause there were many fond memories of shroomagery… positive or not… but in retrospect, no matter what, it was awesome. but yeah. i miss the late night talks and late night 7-11 trips. so much late night living. thus is the college life… and it is good.

hmmm… yesterday, andy [crossett] and i went to drop off some magazines around greenwood/phinney, and i met up with one of my writers, john [gillanders] at tin hat bar and grill. my writers are so great. but anyway. lots of his friends were there… there was some interesting conversation about band photos. one of the press releases we got from a band called fear of dolls was printed on nice irredescent paper that you might see on a wedding invite. that had a lot of comments. along with their press photo, which was them as babies. i thought it was kind of funny. the album was called lullabies for aborted children. sounds like a fscking winner to me?!!

anyway, we placed the order way early, and the cook ended up putting like… 40,000 slices of bacon on the grill for some reason — before he made our food. the waitress ended up giving us our food for free cause the wait was so long. damn, the lady was so freaking intense. i don’t know how to explain it. she looked like a bitch and talked like a bitch — SORTA — but she was really nice. it’s so strange. not dissing on her… i thought she was cool. but i’ve met few people that intense and nice at the same time is all haha. it was near surreal. got to play some free pinball, cause mondays are free pinball nights. wewt.

today susan [kang] got 15 free meals from winning a raffle, so lenny and i took 2 of the spots. it was at wild fish in belltown. welcome to our first sushi review, wild fish! it was pretty decent food. EXTREMELY CHEAP!! and monica worked there, i guess… so there was a lot of small talk when lenny and i were the only ones left behind, since everyone else literally chowed down their food and ran away or something haha. it was weird O__o

god i want to write about everything for some reason. i’m seriously going to regret this tomorrow. why did i drink black tea before sleeptime? THAT’S what i’m going to regret, actually. GOD.

anyways. after going to wild fish (wewt, free foooood… btw it was sponsored by a financial planning place and they made us fill out some “seminar paperwork” prior to eating, but they didn’t really care about our job, it seemed, and i’m pretty sure they got NOTHING out of us!), lenny and i went around belltown, checked out some other sushi places, and dropped off some magazines. some downtown too. at capitol hill, when we were dropping off mags, i got a ticket. godamnit. after paying for parking ALL DAY i had to get a ticket at the last stop. fucking suck. as if i’m not poor enough. which all leads back to: i hope i get that godamn job.

finishing up reading “wind up bird chronicles” again. i never remember books well when i read them. then i’m going to read a book trask lent me, and then i’m going to read a book of crossett’s. blahblah, the book list seriously never ends. which is excellent. i <3 books. i’m thinking of just starting a random site where i’ll write about books and movies. just for my own humor, i suppose. but it’s harder now to get a big site… i guess i just remember when my old korean music site got really big — cause it was easy then — competition was minimal… nowadays… it’s decidedly harder. i hope we keep that in mind with the sushi thing… it seems so easy, though, which MAY be the problem…

it’s hard being young. no one knows what they’re doing, and everyone thinks money is so easy to come by. money is NOT easy to come by. shitty.

anyway, lenny is moving out of his house, in with posa soon. it is the good and the bad. the good is that he’s moving out. the bad is that it’s into a one bedroom apartment, which means that he will be sleeping in the living room, which means some things lalala. insert: usage of imagination. anyways. lenny really does need to move out, though. his mother is suffocating. i really think she is just very awkward at loving, particularly since she is divorced and all of her family was killed… i don’t think it’s that she is particularly insensitive… perhaps just calloused and feels too sorry for herself? and that does not translate well to lenny, who always does what she asks and didn’t go to wsu like his brothers and instead has to help her with the store, fixing up the house… etc. that’s the sign of a good son. really. yet, she is not satisfied. it’s really, really quite bizarre, and i wonder what goes on in her head. she always tells lewis (their awesome dog which i used to think was kind of ugly but now i think is super cute) that he is the only one she loves more than anyone… never lenny or posa. and she has told me many times how lonely she is and how they will never take care of her or love her. is she asking for a self-fulfilling prophecy? i don’t know. but that’s what’s going to happen if she doesn’t learn to love better… lenny said his brothers said she used to be different, and the change came when she got her tubes tied, cause it has the possibility of changing your personality. so weird. i know she does care about lenny and posa — but i think perhaps she just does not understand how to go about it without being absolutely suffocating. and i feel bad for lenny that he has had to endure such psychosis — but i feel bad for her too… particularly for when lenny moves out; she really WILL be alone. did she bring it upon herself? possibly. many asian parents DON’T understand that you can’t just keep pressuring your kid with nothing else in mind; but at this time, i don’t think considering other people’s opinions over her own really comes to mind. according to lenny, when she gets together with her friends, all she does is shit-talk about them. that’s not right. not for any kid… i’m sure it’s a tough decision. it’s the age-old dilemma, i’m sure, though, for lenny… how far do you consider the feelings of others before deciding that you need to stand up for your own?

random fact of the day: studying for school trains you to fall asleep reading forever. :]

random thought of the day: i thought of this simply because i told lenny this today as we were passing by the construction site of an office building. alex’s dad oversees the building of office buildings. he used to be kind of like a spiritual “hippie” like his mom, but he’s now a businessman. a good one, at that, i presume. but he’s still a hippie or whatever at heart, so once he made it successfully as a businessman, he used his powers a little bit to combine his hippiness with his business-saavy. because he works for a big construction company, he managed to get his company to recycle all of their building parts, even though it’s not that “cheap” of a procedure. but because his company is pretty big, a lot of companies have followed suit with the recycling with their own companies… and all in all, to quote “bruce almighty,” IT’S GOOOOD.”

i’m listening to… emilliana torini, ryan adams, ella fitzgerald.
i’m feeling… meh.

10:12 pm — i am soooo tired =__=

and it’s not from lack of sleep… i just want to go somewhere and not have to worry about anything =) tired of not having the magazine work, tired of not having a job, tired of not having money… oy.

through the past month or so, i have discovered come to hate some people! really, really. it’s not the best thing, but some people are just like fucking intolerable, i swear…

hate is so bad… but i think i finally hate someone!!! for the second time in my life (but i am over the first person because i got an apology… although what he did was far worse… and maybe i’m not 100% over it, but i don’t really have to deal with his existence, so whatever).

the other day i went to sure shot cafe on university way to drop off some magazines, and this old dude stopped me and started ranting about how all people who run indie magazines should band together to create one magazine and make one magazine that has information about everything… like a collective magazine. because magazines are supposed to be a storehouse of knowledge, he said, so therefore they should have everything. he kept going on about how editors of magazines are cocky monkeys, and how everything is about ego, ego, ego. that may be true, but a collective publication would never work out… people have different goals and different aims. a publication like that would never work. he went on about how in the 60s they tried doing collective publications like that but the police stopped it, and how no one will ever do that now… he said a lot about how “america was dying” blahblahblah.

anyways. the past weekend the scm people came up for some lan tourney, la la la. yes. nothing much special there. yes.

we need to go questing… it’s been a while.

blahblah. of all things lately, i’m yearning for some stability. i need something constant… cause nothing really is. i make my own inefficient days… and although i DO do a lot more than a lot of people, it feels so incomplete… i hope i’m one of the people who gets lucky enough to get something out of my own trials and tribulations, rather than out of someone else’s… to be deeming what you want to do for your life is the most underrated shit. i don’t want to be stuck as one of those who gets told what to do.

it’s that feeling that’s coming up again — of overwhelming mediocrity and the lack of being complete. UGHHHHHH. i don’t know how people can sit around and do absolutely NOTHING. as human beings, don’t people feel like there’s a duty to themselves to accomplish something? i don’t know though, maybe if / when you don’t do anything, it’s easier to not be let down, right? why risk it…

i went to a job interview for web design last thursday, and i THOUGHT i did swell, but i haven’t heard back from them yet. i don’t honestly know how long it takes people to make decisions like this, but i really hope i get it. they’re nice people, and i think i can craft websites that are shitloads better than the ones they have now… and i thought the interview was okay… so there’s no reason in my mind that i shouldn’t get it… but i’ve never successfully interviewed for a job yet — every job i’ve had i kind of had ASAP… so… that being said, i don’t know…

i’ve been getting nosebleeds like when i wake up every morning UGH. today i got it for like twenty minutes while taking a shower. it was fscking annoying. and it’s like. only out of one nostril. and it is super runny, like the consistency of water, just spurting out, and then chunking up all over the place when it finally congeals into little livers. UGHHHHHH.

i feel like i should be saying something more worthwhile because i haven’t written anything in here like a month, but nothing is really coming to me. oy vey. too much incompleted stuff to think about to get things to “come to mind,” i guess…

lenny, posa, and i have been working on our sushimonsters.com site. it’s slowly coming along, but the amount of work involved is massive. SO TIRED UGHHHHHH… gotta fight it. one of these days, one of my business ventures will hopefully pay off, and on that day, i’ll be happy.

work isn’t everything, but it is a huge indication of who you are if you want it to be. and i want it to be; i want to make a mark with something worthwhile.

i’m listening to… “law and order” on tv… AROOOOO!
i’m feeling… fine.

2:39 am — well, see, i have to talk about this… cause anything accomplished with redefine is — at this moment — just about the only thing that makes me feel accomplished!!

http://www.theparadox.org/site/ — scroll to the bottom to purchase tickets for the redefine event and to see a description of it. EXCITING. really. had a first note from someone saying, “hey, i found out about your magazine through the paradox event listing… good job.” and it’s still early. so this seems AWESOME. also… SONIC BOOM is sponsoring the event… one of the biggest local indie record stores, which means free advertising and all sorts of good news :0 unfortunately, KEXP cannot sponsor it… but oh well…?

in OTHER news… I have two fucking interviews this week :0 thanks to jeanette. not interviews as in… i am interviewing so-and-so band. not interviews as in… get me a job. but interviews as in BITCHES BE WRITING A STORY ABOUT ME AND REDEFINEHIZZLE POTENTIALLY! and that’s really kind of weird, but mostly awesome. i wonder what it’ll feel like to be on the other end :]

all in all, redefine is doing good as far as shit going on is going. but as far as advertising… still shit luck. but hopefully that will change soon…

and i might have a job as of thursday. but i’m not… entirely sure yet. so wish me luck. i really hope it works out, though. cause i uh need money.

checked out the band controller controller tonight with mr. lenny (for free). good shit. i love bands who are into what they’re doing. respectable. like i was saying earlier to lenny — a lot of the problem with younger emo and punk rock bands are that they care too much about how they come off or look — and don’t pay as much attention — genuine attention — to the music.

my writer did an interview yesterday with this band called killradio, and she doesn’t have much rock music experience. she did art interviews for me before but they were fine. as for the rock side of things though, she really doesn’t know much. turned out she asked questions like, “why do you guys wear these costumes? why do the people who go to your shows dress like that?” when they’re all just really normal poeple. if this is true, i am embarrassed yet again. i knew i shoulda gone with my gut and kept her out of the music loop.

anyway, tonight for dinner lenny, alex, and i went to purple dot for dinner. one of the few chinese restaurants i’ve been to in seattle that was actually good. ONE OF THE FEW. PROBABLY 1 OF 2. we got 4 dishes amongst the 3 of us… plus 3 cups of tea for me… plus free soup with intestine and what we thought was cow heart *gag* (although it tasted good). and we fucking ate it all. it was INSANE. and then we got bubble tea afterwards. and somehow none of us were full. WTF. i don’t even get it. usually by then i am stuffed, but not this time. what the hell? we probably all ate an equal amount… truly freakish. i bet the waitress thought we were insane. i did have to poopoo afterwards though LOL.

the 8th is lenny and i’s 6 month anniversary! he remembered for once and did stuff… yay!!!!! he made me a mug… kind of a cool thing. it’s mugs with these special thin plastic coatings on them. and you use these markers with alcohol in them so that it melts the plastic a little and allows you to write on the mugs permanently. very interesting. he drew me a scenescape… there was an extra so i drew him one of DUCK-ie letters with little animal shapes inside… it also had a mini-pic of OTTOPUS and “earthfirewindwaterheart… go planet” (captain planet anyone?!!!!!!!!!!!!) and made him a monkey card yay!! out of paper!! yay!!! and he got me a backscratcher cause my back is itchy!!! and he got these two stuffed doggies and we puff painted them. his was cool. it has a spiral on the back and glasses and a superman logo on tis stomach, but with a V instead of an S. mine has a chef’s had that is an abomination and barely looks like one — it also is a hideous lumpy color and hideous hideous hideous. it also has a bone in one of its hands that looks hideous. it also says “AAH TUMOR” on its other paw since the chef’s hat looks like a tumor. the stomach has a heart and the letters “SRY” because the damn thing is an abomination!!!!!!!!!!!!! ABOMINATION!!!!!!!! IT’S SO UGLY. AND HIS IS SO NICE. GARRR I HATE YOU FABRIC PAINT! DIE IN A FIREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! the only redeeming part of mine is that the collar says “property of vee” nearly illegibly. GOD IT’S UGLY. GARRRRR.

i’m designing the flyer for my event. so far so fail. hopefully i’ll come up with something alright! :D

i’m listening to… sierra swan (she’s kinda like a mix between fiona apple and shirley manson of garbage). she’s actually pretty fucking cool.
i’m feeling… alright!

11:40 pm - i’m such a weirdo. i need adversity to succeed. i NEED an authority figure to tell me, “this is not going to work,” to want to try and make it work. my last journal entry was riddled with thoughts of doubt and self-loathing. the usual. but in this one… i’m feeling a little bit different. only for the time-being, though. it’s strange…

since then some things have happened here and there: a notable one that my mom has called and said, “you need to change your clothes,” blahblahblah, whereas the previous day, she woke me up to, “you should just stop doing the magazine.” negatives on both ends which pissed me off, which subsequently made me work harder. it’s interesting. when people say, “you’re doing a great job,” i still want to work, but less than when they say, “you’re doing a shitty job.” when no one says anything at all, sometimes i don’t want to work at all.

i’ve had a couple of job interviews recently. one today that was pretty fucking terrible. i’m so fucking awkward. if only i radiated confidence, i’d have a job. but i don’t. and i’m awkward and nervous and seem more subpar than i really am. unfortunately. i’m sure if i were more confident and outgoing, REDEFINE would be a fucking cinch. but i am just a girl who has always been a little clumsy and a little aloof… and i don’t think that’s changing anytime soon. i just need for something to work — then maybe i will be able to believe in myself to the point of erasing the awkwardness.

i really wanted the job that i interviewed BEFORE the job today… it was for madison park greeting cards. i think my design style would have really matched… but i didn’t even get a callback or a second interview. i got a fucking rejection letter in the MAIL. what is this? fucking college applications? give me a fucking call or answer my fucking e-mail… don’t write me a fucking letter. i don’t want to wait a week to hear that i’m rejected from a piece of fucking paper.

but hey, guess what. the HELIO SEQUENCE is playing my fucking show. that is a big fucking deal. ring the bells and tell some bitches.

what else to say? yesterday on xanga, there was a verbal assault war between arlen and i. he posted a post that i disagreed with, and i perhaps made the mistake of rashly concluding my post with “I THINK YOU’RE IGNORANT.” as soon as i posted that, i knew it was a mistake, because i knew the defenses would come up. and come up they did. there was lots of shit-talking, and in the end, some fucked up things were said. mostly to me. some things that i would not DREAM of saying to a FRIEND in a million years. some things that i wouldn’t even dream of saying to a stranger. that being said… i don’t care anymore. i never knew how big of a deal “respect” was to me. but it is a huge deal to me. i think respect is the LEAST you can give someone. but i figure is, if someone doesn’t respect me, i don’t need to return it. and so i won’t. i’m done =)

i was annoyed because people TOLD me they thought it was fucked up, but no one had the balls to tell that to arlen or some shit. everyone just said shit like, “you guys should hurry up and make up!” like there was nothing fucking wrong about the way he was talking to me. there was everything wrong with it. he’s said fucked up things to other people before… where instead of criticizing a certain thing, he criticized them as PEOPLE. extensively. and that’s where it is all fucked. yesterday, he said to me, “your perception is screwed.” i said, “ask anyone; it is YOUR perception that is screwed.” and he responded with, “i asked people about you; trust me, they didn’t have flattering things to say.” which… okay… but that has fuck shit to do with opinions about an issue; that has everything to do with me as a person. uhh okay, so i ask you about “perception,” and you can extend that to a person’s entire being?

i was quite bothered yesterday, but come today, after talking to people about it — i feel like although i could have made a different concluding sentence that was less antagonistic, in the larger picture, that’s not the point. i may be at fault for egging it on. maybe. but i was told more fucked up things than i have ever heard come out of anyone’s mouth — and that makes it NOT okay. in conclusion… i don’t need it. i’m not perfect. but you know what? no matter what anyone says to me, i KNOW i’m not racist. i KNOW i’m not a bigot. i’m not even fucking close and i have never been. i’m SURE that people say unflattering things about me — but you can’t please everyone… and that has nothing to do with anything anyways. at least i’m not intentionally trying to hurt people, and that’s the most i can give at this point. at least i’m trying. decisions are consciously made. to personally attack someone’s character is a conscious decision. i hold my tongue a lot because it’s not my place to say things. and the few times that i do say fucked up things, i feel bad immediately.

i don’t care, though. i have enough negativity in my life as is. i have parents who are never satisfied with what i am doing — a magazine that is not looking like it is going to be successful anytime soon and the subsequent advertising rejections — an inability to get a job and the subsequent rejections — stress from taking on more than my body will allow… i don’t need friends who can say those things to their “friends.”

distance is the key, so depart.

i’m so much better than this shit.

i’m listening to… the coral’s “nightfreak and the sons of becker,” muse, the fall of troy.
i’m feeling… k.

12:46 am - of all the new year’s resolutions i made, i really probably should’ve made one along the lines of um… WRITE IN YOUR JOURNAL. yeah.

valentine’s day was dull… surprisingly, it was more exciting last year. i was really hoping for just about ANYTHING. i could really scarcely believe it. but what’s a girl to do? i’m pretty sure i am probably the only girl on the planet who can stand this. i don’t know if some people just need training or what! i’m confused.

columbia reccords sent some CDs… there was a lashes album and i was kind of excited because i thought it was the whole CD. it has packaging and an insert and a printed disc and everything… turns out it is a single with ONE SONG. fuck, what a waste of space and money. -__- might as well just send me the whole promo, fucker.

i did game testing the other day for the xbox 360. 8 hours of playing video games and getting paid. hell yeah. but i do have to say: the xbox 360 is not that good of a product. they really should have done their best to work out problems BEFOREHAND, not after. seems weird that they would be doing testing AFTER the fact, no?

i went in for a job interview for madison park greetings today. hope i get it. REALLY hope i get it. i need a new job real bad. SO BAD. AAAAH…

god i hate these cds that are half quite good / tolerable and half crap. it’s so hard to listen to. and herein lies the benefits of mp3’s. i remember first having mp3’s and that 24 hour rule rofls. so funny. i wonder how many people actually adhered by the sample and delete policy? i think my first mp3’s were mostly korean songs. not sure why, really. i think they were the most easy to access or something, ironically.

yeah, i don’t know. fuck, i have a lot of stuff to do. no kidding. but whenever there is loads of unresolved shit, i ironically want to do nothing in return. i don’t think it makes much sense. i gotta set some goals. get a calendar again (maybe i’ll steal another one from ubookstore for this year). budget my time. :[ i think i’ll be happy to get a job elsewhere… i need some structure in my life.

today i went to chinatown with lenny and didn’t end up going to chinatown until 3. erin was quite mad. she said that yoga was the only thing she had going in her life that was right, and she was pissed off that she had to miss it. in all honesty, though, even if i had gotten there at 2, she would have missed yoga. we worked from 3-7:30. her yoga class was at 5:30. if i had gotten there at 2, she still would have not been able to leave @ 5:30 oh wellz.

i think i need to drink some water. i’ve dranken (drunken?) one glass of water all day, i believe. that can’t be too good, can it.

i’m going to make this my theme song. or at least try to…

don’t hold back. you gotta believe. you got it. you got it. you need it.
don’t be afraid of anything. you got it. you got it. believe it.
come on now. don’t say, “maybe.” hold your breath. you got it. you need it.
hold on tight now for the ride of your life. you gotta’ believe it.
words hurt. truth heals. sometimes both kill.
we can wish that everything was easy, counting all the ways that life’s not fair.
or say, “I’m not going down that easy. I’m not gonna’ fall cause you’re not here.”

we have seen it all. we’ve been through it all together.
we’ve been through the fire, and you gain your strength from me.
we have seen it fall. we painted the town red together.
we’re still standing tall as i gain my strength from you.

there’s beauty everywhere. there’s beauty everywhere.

THE JULIANA THEORY - WE MAKE THE ROAD BY WALKING.

i’m listening to… the mars volta.
i’m feeling… :/1:58 am - in the past year, i have written less than two pages of content in this journal. i’m not sure what’s going on… i think it’s just being busy with everything that makes it difficult to write.

i’m having a really difficult time with things. everything FEELS right, more or less, but just isn’t working out the way i’d like it to. ha.

all these years i’ve thought that “doing things you want to do” would be easy. trying hard enough would put you there. believing enough would get you there. but it doesn’t necessarily. luck and strategic thinking are huge parts… and not everyone has it. i’m beginning to think my abilities are lacking. why did i try in the first place? i don’t know where i am going with anything and everything seems to end up in faillure. the negative things outweigh the positive things by far. i’m just about ready to give up. exhausted. people may admire that i am doing what i want to do and shit. but a lot of people do that… and a lot of people succeed in doing it. i’m not sure that i will, and i have no one to blame but myself. i am incapable and i can do nothing correctly… i’ve always known myself to be mediocre. a jack of all trades… master of none. but i always thought, “hey, i’m good enough to pull this off. because i believe in it…” i’m not good enough. i’m so tired and i’m having a hard time finding the will to keep up. i know i would detest the 9-5 lives so many people live, but i am unable to facilitate my dreams. that leaves me with nothing. just a failure and a wreck. it sounds dramatical, but the amount of sacrifice i have put into all this and continue to put into all this is something that no one who has not gone through the same thing would even begin to understand. i always think, “hey, i have something better here than other people do,” but in the end, maybe i’m just delusional. i see people without opinions, and i think, “they’re weak.” maybe in the end, i’m just as weak. my opinions exist but get me nowhere. at least those who don’t think are happy. i’m not.

valentine’s day is tomorrow… and with this, i am having a bit of a difficult time as well. i’ve always been one to express my feelings through actions and not so much words. i like holidays and i like birthdays, because i like to give people things. i don’t know how else to show people that i appreciate them. i’m awkward and lack the ability to say things that i might think. from day one, i’ve shown people i care from doing things and making things. folding stars. making newspapers. cooking meals with my limited ability. making making making. planning planning planning. letters recapping memories. it’s been my motto that, if you care about someone, take the time to show it rather than say it.

of course, everyone agrees, but few people act upon this philosophy.

i’ve never been like typical girls in the sense that i need expensive things or flowers or diamonds. i don’t care. you don’t need to buy me shit for me to be happy. just give me a card. just give me some time. plan something. anything. even if it’s watching a movie. even if it’s cooking a meal. i don’t give a fuck… it is so hard for me to have a boyfriend who does not plan. anything. not for a birthday. not for an anniversary. not even when i ask. sighhhhhhhhhhhh. i don’t care. i just want to know that you thought of me at least once without me forcing you to by saying hi or by visiting. if even asking can’t get the message across, then i don’t know what’s left to do. it’s really not hard. i’m easy. all i’ve ever wanted was to be loved. from the day one. in a tangible way. words don’t mean shit if they’re not backed up.

no one has ever shown love in a tangible way. no one ever shows that kind of forethought. there are no surprises here. no one cares… and i hate to say it, but the lack of being on the receiving end is making me cynical. i don’t want to try anymore. all of my efforts seem to go in vain.

i give picture frames with family collages that sit around the house unused. i get packages with bills from parents without so much as a word saying hi. birthdays equate to near nothing. i think i got one card this year. they take two seconds to write. i forget how old i am sometimes because nothing ever reminds me. presents are hidden away unremembered. important dates go by without being remembered. those who i consider my good friends (not all of them, mind you, but a good % in the years past) don’t so much as give me a nod for my birthday. no one remembers.

everyone knows me and everyone thinks i’m great, blahblahblah. fuck it. in the end, it all just equates to mediocrity. like everything. when given the chance, people just get in their negative comments anyways.

four years ago i would have written down everyone’s birthday and tried to contact everyone accordingly. i would have cared enough to handdraw cards and custom-make sculptures for everyone. but i find that year after year, i care less. no one cares, so why should i? right? :/

i know that certainly not everyone can react in such a way. i know. not everyone thinks in terms of giving presents or making time out of their days. but the irritation comes from the fact that no one does. never.

it’s not right… but oh, the futility. the humanity. i don’t think i have felt this fragile ever. the epitome of all things combined makes it a very difficult time for me. a time of lack of reason to continue.

i try to move on;
nothin’ left to hurt me now.
i hope it’s all in the past to stay.
just tryin’ to see through
all the fucked up shit we do,
and hope that we all don’t drift away.
so now i stand here
to sing another song for you
about the pain i felt before;
now there’s nothing i can do.
so now i stand here,
with nothing left to say to you.
and if you all could sing along,
it might help me make it through.

STAIND - LET IT OUT.

i’m listening to… fischerspooner, led zeppelin, the decemberists, wongmo, tangerine dream.
i’m feeling… alright.

1:58 am - throw me on the backburner cause it’s easier for you that way! yay!

well said, mr. brandon boyd (in his book, fluffy white clouds, yay, lenny bought it for me) — and this here is why i idolized him as a writer. cause he… understands? i’m sure plenty of people have these thoughts and plenty of people write them down… but the main difference here is that he vocalizes them… because he can? what drew me to incubus in the first place wasn’t even their music. sure, it was great. it was good. but what drew me in were the lyrics, and how honest and open they were. stating personal flaws and struggles on a new level, rather than a, “oh no, some girl broke my heart” level every time.

i think in our society, people write as a form of therapy, sure, but it’s always hidden away in some diary or locked away in some chest. writing is therapeutic. i definitely think so. but people are so afraid to write beyond the obvious. not everyone, mind you… but most people are afraid of saying things like, i’m lonely, or i hate that i am so judgmental, or blahblahblah. mostly it is limited to simple things, like, boys are such dickheads, or this is what i read today, and it reminds me of how i am feeling, hoorah. it’s refreshing when people write down what they’re really feeling, what their shortcomings are, what their insecurities are… because it’s so rare.

that being said, however, i think xanga and internet mediums such as that have led to people popularizing their diaries and writing them in a forum where everyone can read. this leads some people to concluding, “shit, kids are so emo nowadays… they’re fucking pussy… all they write about is how bad things are,” etc. i’ve heard it. but i don’t think that’s it. i just think that the internet has given people a chance to say things that they were scared to say. sure, people like attention, but i think the fact that people are reading and the fact that other people post things about their lives just makes people braver. granted, these things are still highly limited to the things i mentioned earlier, and still… very few are reflections of the true self.

and the communication only improves on the digital front, really… i think most people are still too afraid to say any of those things in person — even the watered-down internet half-assed versions — which sucks. the digital age has stifled our abilities to communicate like real people. the phone is becoming a foreigner. real people aren’t even necessary for some to feel sane. it’s not right.

anyway, as mentioned previously… most people tend to write when their moods are at extremes. and perhaps when you are happy, you’re busy, or something else is occupying your mind. happy posts don’t have as much of an impact as sad posts do anyways. happy posts are like… okay… rather than sad posts, which are like… OMG… hence they are more well-remembered and more paid attention to, since most people find the need to say something when someone else is sad, rather than when someone else is happy. it’s like waiting in traffic… you only notice that your lane is going slower when it’s going slower, not when it’s going faster. people love to focus on the negative.

not to say that i am any different. my best work stems from being negative. it is negativity that gives me the ability to create — be it in a written or visual way. it’s pathetic… but that’s the way it is, and that’s the way it always has been. from the first poem i wrote in 6th grade or something, sitting in the computer room crying and thinking about dying and why i was lonely and shit… i admit it, i have been motherfucking emo from day one. and i don’t really care. that’s just the way it is and always will be.

i don’t know where this rant came from. and i’m not really sure that it really went anywhere, but oh well!

on another note… i’ve realized to me that when i find someone with potential, and the potential it not being used, it… bothers me. it bothers me because it seems like so many people could be so much more, but they’re just not trying. they just don’t care and are content to be content. and that, i have found, is evil. now the problem lies here: … at what point should i start caring? is it any of my business that these people are squandering their time?… why does it bother me so much? if they are content in the here and now, should that be enough? i don’t know. i think through the years i have had enough people say, “hey, this thing you did changed my life,” or “hey, this thing you did made me think twice about blah,” where i somehow get the idea that maybe all some people really do need is a push here or there… but not everyone wants that, and is it in my right to even try?

i think i have tmj. lockjaw. but i’m not sure. i probably should get it checked out, but when?

ambient music is… awesome.

i’ve been listening to the radio a lot just because i happened to take my cd’s out of my car. meh. it’s whatevers for the most part. really late at night, though, it’s sometimes cool to see the random shit that comes up… i especially like when they play older stuff that you like that you usually would never hear on the radio. it’s like… refreshing. i really like the… whatever, rockabilly, dancehall, swing type stuff… i don’t even know what it is really, but i like the fat bass licks and the voices… and it’s just good. the “stray cat strut” by the stray cats or whatever came on the other night, and i have to say, it was the only time in a long time that the radio has sounded so good.

adam brought over “guitar hero” today and played some of that. it is actually rather fun, but i think i may just get sick of it sometime.

had a meeting with a bunch of randomz yesterday to talk about advertising. so far, there are about… seven people on the advertising ‘team’. seriously, if ads aren’t sold this time, i just don’t know wtf. there is sooo much shit to do. i don’t know what i’m doing. i think all of my health problems are caused by stress. how to fix?

i might take a job @ little nickel… if i get it. it’s not a lot of money… $12.50, which is better than my current job, @ $12… but it’s full benefits for 34 hours/week, and benefits are really what i want. the shift is from 5PM to 5AM monday thru wednesday. graveyard. X: hopefully, the job could go somewhere else, cause i happen to know the chick who is doing the interviewing and shit (although someone else will be doing my interview), and she started out working the job i’m hoping to take, and she now runs a lot of shit there… and she has a literary publication that she prints there for COST. so… hopefully it works out. 12 hours a day is a lot, but i like that it’s only on three days. so, we’ll see how it goes. hopefully i don’t die or something… from stress and lack of sleep, that is. SHIT MAN. I HAVE SO MUCH FUCKING WORK TO DO THIS FUCKING WEEKEND, MOTHERFUCKER. X: this past week all i have been doing really is working… working and playing games. wait, that’s just like usual…?

i’m so tired of the poor communication lenny and i have. it’s not right. and it’s not at all calming. it puts me on edge, if anything. like a one-person, three-ring, circus sideshow [tool - aenima] — that’s what i am. it all goes back to being too comfortable… comfortable to the point where you don’t care to try. i don’t think i’m there, though. if anything i have gotten the point of discomfort. but he might be.

i need to read up on taoism or something. just fucking… go back to my ways of not fucking giving a fuck. taoism, where everything just is, and essentially, none of your fucking business. what matters is only in your immediate realm of self. i like that. maybe believing that will help the stress will go away. maybe learning to breathe will help the stress go away (i find that often times, i forget to breathe).

maybe i should just become a pothead. jokes, of course.

for 27 years, i’ve been trying to believe and confide in
different people i’ve found.
some of them got closer than others -
some wouldn’t even bother
and then you came around.
i didn’t really know what to call you;
you didn’t know me at all,
but i was happy to explain.
i never really knew how to move you,
so i tried to intrude through
the little holes in your veins.
and then i saw you…
but that’s not an invitation;
that’s all i get.
if this is communication,
i disconnect.
THE CARDIGANS - COMMUNICATION.

i’m listening to… the weakerthans, “a whole new world” rofls, theory of a deadman, tom cochrane, tom jones & the cardigans, trace adkins, van halen, minus the bear, kanye west, aerosmith, aaron lines, led zeppelin that some douche labeled as aerosmith those fuckers.

4:04 am - it’s 4:04 — why am i awake!!
i took an involuntary nap from 9 - 12. whenever i sleep early, i always wake up halfway through the night with the inability to fall back asleep. every time. i don’t know why i even try anymore. or maybe i don’t really try. i always used to do this too - take a nap at like 11 for an hour, get up at midnight, and then do what i do… it’s odd, and it only happens when i’m at home. don’t know why, really. i’m nocturnal. jea.

so call me a gullible tool, but i searched this site extensively and i’ve decided to buy a pair of the regular rings: http://www.alexchiu.com. i really think there are way too many testimonials to make it seem fake… but /shrug, maybe he’s not posting the REJECTS. i wouldn’t doubt it. he IS chinese after all A HA HA HA.

so i am officially hitched. k, not really. but i have a boyfriend now. ah ha ha ha. i would not have thunkit like this really. his name is lenny. most of you probably know of him at least. it took me a while to decide that i was ready to commit to anything… i’ve always had the mentality that maybe something else better will come along and since i haven’t dated much, who knows, right? that’s why i didn’t want a real relationship but after getting intimate with him or whatever, i’ve met people that i have been interested in, but i haven’t found anyone better.

one of them was awesome up until i found out he was a liar and a fake and he’s good at saying the right things only because he thinks them through too much. the other is cute as hell but just talks too much about things that are boring. anyway. i think it’s been long enough, i think, and it’s about time. even though he has pissed me off. a lot. but it’s alright. men are at their core douches, am i right? HAW HAW just kidding. sorta! but i’m sure i can whip him into shape. i know it!! HAW. anyways, looking back on the official dates of when problems were generally rare and feelings were generally happy, the official relationship begin date is at august 8th, when we went to portland with arlen and farm[ula/ing].

josh is on his way to kuwait i think. THAT FUCKER. he better fucking take care of his raunchy ass. he better fucking err. down krew’s #1 chump. no dizzle.

this past weekend we had a little shindig at our new place on 7th ave in apartment 409. it was mostly good, a lotta people, too many videogames, and cleared out a little too fast for my liking. i don’t dig the videogames at parties, but i have no authority.

that day before the party alex and i went 409 and pledge-wipe on the apartment and owned all of the disease-causing mold. HOORAHS FOR US.

i’m going to try writing in here again. when i have the time. wish i hadn’t stopped writing from august 16th to septembr 28th. i wonder what those days held. i’m obsessed with chrologizinizing (not a word) time. it’s strange. but i am obsessed with memories and thoughts. maybe i just like hearing myself talk too much. or maybe i just don’t want to forget more than i already do…

lenny’s helping me piece together the missing days. cause his memory is freakishly good for some things…

[08/20] at some point, zach came up from portland and stayed a few days. i must admit, it was a little weird. the guy doesn’t talk much. this would be mommy’s birthday, and phil and i were gonna buy flowers but agreed it’d be better if he just bought them and walked over there and delivered them to her. save money and it’d be more personal too. saw better than ezra on this day. they were decent, some weird show at some weird park in bellevue. mostly families. we were probably the only “teenagers” (although not really) there. MORE LATER. —>

[08/21] ate weed brownie’s @ jesse’s place. they didn’t work very well cause him and karam got their strainer taken away by roger who moved, and so the motherfuckers messed up. ;[ waste of $10. speaking of, jesse, that motherfucker, owes me money. whatever. very very lame high.

i’m thinking being a teacher would be cool. starting monday i’m volunteering with this lady at a public school downtown for being a helper for kindergarteners in literacy. wewtz0r. english for the win.

can’t wait to get back to seattle. oh yeah, i’ve been at home in cali for the last week or so. umm… i’ve been having some annoying eye problems and so my parentals wanted me to come home to relax. grandpa’s here too because him and mom are going to china. i never have anything to talk to him about really, unfortunately… sigh grandpa is so good!

my eye problems have been something like nystagmus. i don’t know, though, because only one nurse has said that and everyone else has been completely clueless and unhelpful. i’ve gone to four doctors and one emergency room visit. the first doctor was a primary care physician and didn’t know shit. he said my feeling of lying down and having a warm sensation come from my ear was probably due to earwax buildup. and flushed my ears. in a painful way with a stupid water hose device. and the shit didn’t help, as i could have told the motherfucker. and it cost me a hundred bucks, that douchebag. god i swear to god i hate doctors. i’ll killem all! no but seriously, if you have a problem, research the shit out of it first so that you can tell them you think it’s something because you know your symptoms better than you can ever describe. and doctors don’t listen to lengthy lists and they always form opinions way too quick. it’s no good. one of my doctors even said after seeing me once, “i have no idea. see another doctor.” this was after i got an mri which proved negative to tumors and sinusitis. and it’s going to burn a hole into our fucking pockets. fuck.

one thing though — nystagmus can be brought on by drug use, and i do think that’s what it was. after doing 2ci — which was fucking rad btw — i could make myself hallucinate. jesse’s done it, and he can do it too. all i can say is, i love the drugs, but i think i’m done. really. cept for maybe weed. but i don’t even really care for it, so that’s no prob. i also think perhaps it is attributed to when me and sherry and other ppl took a 30 minute boat ride back from an island in italy and we kept our face over the side of the boat the entire time. WHAT THE FUCK WERE WE THINKING? okay, i take it back. THAT was probably the winner. i think my tear ducts are fucked. and then there’s the unstoppable crying…

last time — probably about a week ago — lenny went with me to the emergency room because it felt like me eyes were gonna bulge out of my head or something. think i had a panic attack there. i was seeing weird shit, weird flashes, feeling all nervous and jittery… BLEH, weird. maybe i’m way stressed out and i just don’t know it… i DO know i’m tense all the time, so maybe i should start meditating. i swear i should but sometimes meditation makes me feel weird — maybe because i don’t know how to do it properly.

anyway, copy and pasted from xanga…
so alex has gotten into this thing within the past ohhh four months or something where if he feels sick, he buys an emer’gen’c and takes it. for those who don’t know, it’s a water-soluble mix of vitamins. put it in a bottle of water and you’ve got yourself a health-sickness-combatant. well, in the wake of my eye problems and hearing from my parents that perhaps it’s a vitamin deficiency, i’ve started taking emer’gen’c’s. and that, combined with centrum and what not, has helped my eyes immensely. maybe it’s just a coincidence. i don’t know. but i don’t care. it seems like it has been working now our whole apartment (well, 6 out of 7 people) take it. GOOD JOB ALEX. STARTING A REVOLUTION IN 409. alex and arlen have also devised a giant fda cover-up conspiracy theory. vitamins are not fda approved. none are. why? pharmaceutical companies comprise such a huge portion of the u.s. economy that without them — say, if vitamins really could cure every disease like somepeople believe — the economy would hurt even more. OH SORRY I GUESS ARLEN AND FARM DEVISED IT, NOT ARLEN AND ALEX! who knows. makes sense to me. it DEFINITELY is suspicious that the fda never have done tests on vitamins, though. it seems in the natural scheme of things, doesn’t it? been getting a lot of awesome chinese meals because people keep treating grandpa to them as a courtesy thing… so eating is good.

and i’ve been reading a lot — there’s way too much reading material around here. we got united mileage points that were allotted for free magazines, so i have like a fatty stack of them — all over the board, from blender to wired to seventeen. GOOD SHIT. i like it. and my brother always buys shitloads of books and tosses them, so i’ve been reading them. too bad they’re all similar types of books. after reading “the client” by john grisham — the 600 words in 2 days — i started another similar murder-mystery type thing and got bored in about two seconds. i need something a little different to sandwich between it. there’s the “left behind” series of biblical rapture stories, but that’s a no thanks on many levels. cause the shit scares me and cause … no thanks.

i swear to god dude. TRAPT is such a shitty damn godamn band. what the hell.

there’s freak night again this year. THE FUCKING LIARS. they said last year was the last one. LIARS. i wanna be a tetris piece this year. KEKEKKEE.

i also signed up for mfa… it’s a political awareness organization that you can volunteer for. i signed up with the hopes that if i help them out, i can get tickets to the sold-out death cab for cutie show. fingers crossed.

also got a $600 freelance webdesign offer for an freelance writer. wish i would have charged more, though, cause it seems like it might be more work than i initially thought…

i’m not in too much of a rush to find a real job. i’m such a bum. still working part time. i just am rich in the bank account though, so i don’t really feel a need to look too hard. but i should… i don’t know, from now until the end of the year the money should be rolling in pretty OK. definitely enough for survival. i still am owed $50 by chris, $100 by eric, $100 more from a website revamp i did, a $1,000 mini-magazine/catalog design thing on nutrition, the $600 webdesign thing, my part time anti-tobacco job should bring in about $300 a month… i’ve $2,000 from working for a week and a half @ a job tim got me coding css for some design interactive firm. those motherfuckers. didn’t even let me go with a goodbye rofl. but luckily for me, i have a book of one of the co-workers jim (okay, he was cool, so i should give it back) and an illustrator and indesign book. not like they’re going to use em… :0 anyway, BASICALLY I THINK I CAN LIVE WITHOUT SELLING OUT TO THE MAN JUST YET. i’m just banking on the magazine doing a lot better, really fast, because the last issue got so fast so quickly that i think it’s possible again… but it needs time, and i need the time, and TIME. AND TIME.

“HELP MEH! HELP MEH PLEASE!”
i think i’m satisfied. i THINK i know what i’m doing “give me a high-five!!!” god, the wayans bros. was fucking GENIUS. corny, in retrospect, but still, genius!! GENEEIUAASS.

i do know, that for as long as i’m feeling good, though, i’m going to explore. and live as it should be lived… andy [crossett] is bored of being holed up in our apartment because people don’t care about going out that much. i agree. it’s time to learn and live and explore and find something to do. it’s always better with a buddy. so we’re going to stop cooping ourselves up in our apartment and start harrassing bitches.