inside the wonderful world of vee

i have every desire to go and get a tefl in peru through bridgetefl.com, but everything about it is just rather terrifying. i’ve never been away for such a long time. it seems like you would be missing so much… yet, at the same time, you’d be gaining so much more than everyone else probably is. and it’s really only a month — not like a month is REALLY a long time in the grand scheme of things. yet i am scared. i wish i can commit to a date right now but i just don’t know where i would be financially later in this year (i’d be going probably september to october or october to november in cusco, if i had my way)… so… AAAAAH. it is all very scary and stuff. but what i do know is that there needs to be change lo lordy. things cannot continue this way.

i just signed up for a class at the seattle school of visual concepts (svc) and this is the result:

***

Invoice Date: Jan 08, 2008 Tue 01:03 PM
Account Address: WA, US

***

most expensive class ever. actually, it’s supposed to be $540. that better be wtf goes through.

but not really back as i never really was born there but you know. still.

therefore, it is time…
it is time to start re-learning some chinese in preparation of going to taiwan this november…

then after that, it’s time to learn russian, in preparation for russia next year.

i’m thinking of taking the TEFL so i can live somewhere else for like 3 months and then get english-teaching jobs around the world. the downsides to that, though… is that i don’t know if i’m brave enough to contribute so much time outside of the country where i know no one. being nomadic has its downfalls in the fact that well, it’s hard to get to know people for extended periods of times?! the upsides to that is well, traveling. but being that i’m a pretty nostalgic person, i’m not sure that’d work. that or i’d only want to go on three month campaigns to places to teach. crap. what to do with this life?!! i don’t know. all i need is a boyfriend husband person something significant other who likes traveling… that’d be cool.

i’m going to talk to dr. rarick tomorrow night hopefully about maybe getting some kind of experience in mental health or social work… i don’t know. all i know is i feel like i’m going blind staring at a computer all day. i’ve thought this before but lately it actually is hard to look at stuff. looking at the tv from not even halfway across the room with my contacts on = blurry… i can’t read road signs at night… it’s all kind of weird and all pointing to bad…

really all i want to do is do graphic design on a freelance basis, part-time. i don’t like this full-time graphic design thing… it’s wearing staring at a computer all day. regardless of what the reason is.

i’m moving from bellevue back to seattle starting september 1st. living with senor ryan pangilinan. it’s weird… for the first time since like almost when we first started dating things with lenny are extremely good. i don’t know why. it’s good, though. except it’s bad since we’re not living together starting in a few days. strange how things work… or is it a contributing factor? i don’t know. :[

xinlei is going to come up and visit end of september. sherry is going to be here next week. yays all around.

listening to — head automatica, something corporate.

i never get to write anymore. it kind of fucking sucks. the justification is kind of like this: i feel like i’m better (or have more potential) at graphics, and therefore i expend more energy towards that. writing… it just seems like the words i write and the things i think are just recycled unless i am writing a journal entry. but when i’m writing an article or something of that sort… it’s always the same words, the same format, the same lack of inspiration. therefore, i haven’t spent much time on writing. there just isn’t much to say that hasn’t been said, i guess? and with all of the things on the graphics front and the life front that i need to spend time learning, why bother, it seems… but i find that when i don’t write, things feel pretty off. it’s probably the only way that i can truly express myself, whether people read it or not. but i don’t feel comfortable writing in a journal when other people are around, so i just don’t write in it as much anymore. there are a lot more distractions these days — a lot more things to keep me from really sitting down and just writing down each day. it kind of feels just pointless. i don’t know why, though… why wasn’t it pointless before and why is it pointless now? certainly not THAT much has changed, has it?

perhaps it has…

i’ve seen the new darren aronofsky movie, “the fountain,” a couple times in the past month. it’s amazing… to me, anyway. amazing that he can craft such a movie, although there are a lot of haters. ebert and roeper (fuck those bitches) said it was “one of the worst movies of the year,” which, even if you fucking hate the premise, could not be true if you look at just the visuals and the music… the music is amazing. the visuals are unique. maybe some people think the story is a load of bullshit, but whatever. but definitely a lot of people seem to not like it… because afterwards outside of theatres you see people talking about how much they hated it. but mostly i think it’s because they don’t understand it. but who knows.

i’ve also gotten back into music, somewhat. for a while i was definitely burnt out on music — so burnt out that i didn’t really want to listen to it at all. it just all seemed — once again — so fucking pointless. why was i expending this energy to write about bands who barely even care? why do i even care? what the fuck am i getting out of all this?

but i guess lately i have been getting back to basics and trying to re-find myself? could it be? i forget what song it was, but a song came on in a movie or something… i vaguely think it was the decemberists, but i don’t think it was. but either way… the feeling it gave me was a really comforting one… and it just made me think how long it has been since music has given me a feeling like that. for the half a year before the past month or two, i’ve just been robotically listening to music for the most part, with little care or concern of growth. but whatever that song was that came on… reminded me of how much i used to like music. i used to be one of those people that would turn on music the first second i got home — the first second i stepped into a room. that’s the kind of passion for music that got me into creating a magazine in the first place. i don’t know what made me lose that. i’m trying to find out.

but anyway. i’ve been going to a lot of concerts and drum n’ bass shows (well, not a LOT of drum n’ bass shows, but compared to my uh, 1 in the past two years before that, 2 in 2 months is definitely a lot). dieselboy is coming up as well on december 12th. sucks cause all of the concerts i want to go to are at these big ass fucking venues. so it costs a lot of money. but whatever in the fucking hell. it’s okay.

i got a new job at the snowboard connection, helping them do web marketing stuff. i’ll keep my comments minimal for now, but they are definitely pretty um, disorganized. i think i can add a lot of potential growth to their web status, but that all depends, i think…

i’ve also been working at volt doing game testing a bit and they owe me a fuckload of money. i switched my address and i haven’t really gotten anything mailed to me since. they owe me literally four paychecks (personally, i think it’s 5, although they claim otherwise). so… fuck. i also am owed a fuck load of money by lenny and through a bunch of other facets, so… godamnit.

going to las vegas this christmas with my family. that should be interesting. get to watch cirque du soleil’s “o,” so i’m happy about that. asides from that, though, i’m not so sure i really care for vegas. but we’ll see. maybe i’ll become a gambling monster, since i’ve only gambled once and it was really fun (only cause i won $20, though, i think).

blah blah blah.

finishing up a glossy sample issue for potential distributors of redefine. going to send it to the printer tomorrow after lagging for-fucking-ever. i’m really kind of disappointed with myself. but there are only so many hours in a day…

i’ve also been taking a bunch of classes — and by a bunch, i mean two — illustrator and flash classes at seattle central community college. so far, so good. i think they’re definitely helping. the LITTLE knowledge i have gained in both (i am 5 weeks behind in the illustrator class because it’s an online class, and i have only taken 2 classes of the flash class so far) has already been useful. so i can only imagine… it will all be very useful. i want to go back to school, or just take time away from work to study up. funny how before i got a job again i didn’t care to study up on those things. it barely even crossed my mind. but now it just feels so very necessary. teaching yourself is definitely limiting… so i know i have to learn more. i think right now i just know enough to get by. certainly not enough to make a difference. and that’s what i want.

i’ve also come to learn that although people say that women are the chuumps, men are definitely the chumps. it is evident in posa’s relationship with linh, in andy [crossett]’s relationship with vanessa, and in my brother’s relationship with roxanne. there are others as well. so therefore, my theory is flawless.

in other news, the time after college is definitely a strange one. everyone strays. i guess it’s only inevitable that people will continue to stray even more.

i went home a couple weeks ago and went to a lesbian bar with xinlei and her friends. it felt just like a normal bar, really. i had a couple drinks — completely paid for, which was nice… although weird cause i’d never met those people — and drove him kind of drunk. no more doing that. yet another reason not to drink, kids…

last month or so i started playing hardcore diablo 2 with lenny, lewis, alex [bennett], eddie [kang], and the like. it was actually addictively fun… i died a bunch of times and kept remaking, but finally i got a pretty dope crossbow (arbalest) on my assassin (i was an assassin every time… and damn, they are fun to play — i dunno why no one plays them) which kept me alive for a long time since assassin claws themselves suck ass. but yeah unfortunately, i decided to play when i knew i shouldn’t have in a level i had done like 20 times without a fucking problem, and then i died, and i was really godamn sad. and that is probably the most disappointed i’ve ever been in a game. and i refuse to reroll. everyone says that i’ll go back, but i definitely won’t. not for a year or so at least but lenny and i started playing diablo 1 lol and shit the butcher is hella hard. don’t remember him being that hard. but we haven’t played in a while — but it’ll come back soon!

lenny’s mom also got this really cute puppy who’s named taylor. lenny was saying she should name him clark since they have another dog named lewis. she was like, “HAHAHA, lewis and clark! wait, i don’t get it.” lawl, it was funny. she also scared me the other day because i was eating her cooking and she was like, “do you know how to cook that?” and i was like, “no,” and she was like, “don’t be so mean to me!” and i was like, “wtf?” (in my head, of course). and she was like, “don’t be so mean to me! treat me like your mom! if you want to learn how to cook something, tell me. lenny doesn’t love me, posa doesn’t love me, etc.” it was too much -___- that’s one main problem in my book to be honest. i was talking about this to jeanette when i went back a couple weeks ago. i don’t want another fucking asian parent. i already have two and they are ALREADY too much. i want a white family. damnit. or a really fucking cool asian one. but we all know how godamn rare that is. -___-

i really need to back up my journal forum thing. what if it explodes one day? then i’ll be really fucking sad. i need to do that… quick. so much to do, though… so little godamn time.

oh yeah, something i kind of forgot about… “the fountain” made me really kind of depressed. as is this book i’m reading, “paint it black,” by the lady who wrote “white oleander.” man… sigh. i’m such a closet romantic, and i worry that my romantic ideal fails to be matched…

the day i came back from california last week, it was snowing like a fucking bitch. oh and get this. i missed my flight on the way home, so i had to drive back by myself. i parked 3 nights, 9 hours at the airport parking. FUCKING $88!! GODAMNIT FUCKING SHIT MONKEYS ASSHOLES. that’s so much godamn money. it’s not even funny.

anyway, i’m going to TRY to start writing in here more often, but i’m not sure that will happen, especially seeing as to how this entry took me a half hour to write. but it’s pretty long, i guess. it sucks that i had to ban xanga. i’m scared to look at it, but there definitely is stuff on it that i’d like to back up or look at sometime. but maybe not for a while. hopefully xanga doesn’t explode anytime soon.

i need to finish downloading the brand new album from trask, not that i’ve even listened to the songs i do have yet.

btw swimming is good for you too. btw i should probably get a physical. btw i think i should get a mammogram as well. things seem to like to… grow on me.

maybe it’s time to quit. it’s 1:08 am.

btw. on a side note. people are truly fucked up.

btw. on a side note. i need toilet paper.

btw. on a side note. here’s a conversation with tony that just so happens to be below this journal entry i’m writing in notepad, so why not put it? it relates to toilet paper, after all.

what a sick ass, am i right?

btw. i really need to go snowboarding. especially since i didn’t go AT ALL last year. i hope josh [hwang] will go with me a bunch after he comes back from the military for xmas. he keeps telling me how he’s going to ‘rape me’ though. i think i’m scared.

and on that note, it’s sleepy time.

hopefully i don’t have a dream about my teeth falling out tonight. i’ve had three of those in the past, like, two weeks. they’re really fucking realistic feeling. i wake up thinking my teeth really are starting to fall out irl, and let me tell you, IT’S FUCKING FUCKING SCARY. the dream interpreters claim that means that you’ll be overflowing with wealth soon, but i’m not sure that’s proper. i hope it is, though. money would be nice right now.
(xinlei’s response:)
weird that you posted this yesterday and i decided to randomly check your page for the first time in like a year. we are on the same wavelength lady. anyway i think people don’t know what they would do because not everybody is as outspoken as you (or wouldn’t be in certain odd/uncomfortably situations). and that is why you are the bombdiggity lady.