inside the wonderful world of vee

Bah, relationships. Usually when I’m feeling bad, temporarily bad, I write a lot. But in this current case, words come to me, but not words about every day. If that makes sense.

Writing journals recalling the day seems tough. Writing journals about conjecture about writing about journals (such as this) seem fine……………… they require no brain. They’re like listening to music. They’re second nature. They’re unfiltered thoughts. They’re simple.

But everyday life is not so simple. ~__~ There is a want but no solution………… I don’t want a relationship but the comfort, the companionship… it’s just so weird without it. I feel like I’m stuck in a rut. Hell, it hasn’t been very long at all, though. I just haven’t done anything the past few days. :/ And I feel alone.

Somehow, it just dawned on me that I am thoroughly unhappy at the moment. Since the break-up, I’ve been occupying myself with… things… and it hasn’t seemed all that bad. Particularly in the daytime. But it is pretty godamn bad! And I feel bad. ~__~ The first sign would be my sudden heavy reliance on music, which generally goes hand in hand with my WORST moods. And then there is the amount of time spent in front of the computer, doing pretty much absolutely nothing at all but anything possible to just waste a little bit of time (this entry right here would fall under that distinction). Blah. And then I’m thinking, “Oh goody, I’ll be gone for a month, and I’ll get over all this…” but then it feels like I’m just running away, and like it’s a cowardly way out, and like I’m not really solving anything at all. And that feeling, coupled with so many unknowns about money, and jobs, and futures… just makes things feel so, so blah. And despite all the company, I feel alone. Yet at the same time, I kind of WANT to be alone, to sulk. Waddahell. It is completely draining. And this sleep at 4AM, wake up at 2PM schedule is NO GOOD!!!

Hmm. So since I’m taking off again in a week and have been gone for a month, I’ve been meeting up with people and hanging out more than I usually do. It just dawned on me that my relationships with some humans are quite interesting. I don’t have that many friends that I see that often, but when I see the ones I don’t see that often, it essentially feels the same and conversations are deep. It’s almost as though the time apart gives much opportunity for skipping past the bullshit and skipping past the silence. No necessity for small talk, just deep talk. I don’t know. It’s interesting. Maybe all people are like that. I don’t know? It just seems like I have a lot of relationships like that… where people will do me favors or we seem to have a close relationship for whatever the hell reason, even though I don’t necessarily talk to them all that much.

I also discovered today that I haven’t really spoken English in so long that expressing myself in verbal form has become slightly difficult. Haha.

It is quite very difficult spending three + years of your life with someone, sharing your life with him, and no longer having it in that capacity with him. It’s terrifying in many ways. It feels as though you could never move on without him… as though you’ve lost a part of yourself… even though you obviously can move on and obviously will, as people always do. But three years in a relationship you at times enjoy and at times loathe will bring sentiments of nostalgia no matter what, and sadness is completely unavoidable. It’s easy to supress during the daytime, when conversation, sunlight, and the presences of other human beings abound. But late at night, when alone and left only to musical devices, breakups are a whole different world to cope with.

When it was your first taste at love, your first real opening up to another human being… it makes the breakup that much more difficult. In this case, though, it’d become perfectly clear that friendship will be the best route for both parties involved, and that both will move on to better significant others more suitable for themselves.

And while missing the little things is easy… the tender feel of skin, the cherished morning wakeup routine, and the crude inappropriate jokes… when it comes down to it, one can obsess over the beauty in details forever. But if a relationship’s not the best route, one has to let go. For the best of both parties. And hopefully at one moment it will click, and they will both be able to move without incident… with friendship in their hearts and memories of the good times as a reminder of potentially better moments in the future.

But easy as it is to string together philosophical meanderings, coping in reality is not that easy, and time will be the greatest friend and enemy.

:[

i don’t know why i do it. reading up on old friends merely stirs up feelings of dismay that i thought i had adequately buried. but either way — and i feel selfish and poopy saying this, but… it’s hard when people who hate you get along better than you. seemingly, anyway. but i just want some kind of backlash, some kind of payment, some kind of notion that the world does not hate me and only me. but eh. it doesn’t really happen. i’m not quite sure how this universe works, but however it is, it sucks.

i suppose i can attempt to learn something from these things… but certainly i am not the only imperfect being?

listening to… get up kids, tech itch.

i like working with younger folk. i don’t know if it’s because they’re still young and not quite as jaded as everyone else, but working with younger people who have drive is seriously refreshing.

there are a couple of artists helping me out with the magazine who are like, 18 or younger. it’s not necessarily like, OH YEAH! FREE LABOR!!! but it’s just cool to see them grow because they have so much more room to grow. and although i can’t give them money, it’s cool that i can give them a medium from which they can express themselves.

in particular is this one kid from shoreline who is 18. he has been doing some concert photography for me. although a lot of my other, older photographers are just as good (different styles, however), this kid is REALLY good. he has a lot of potential to be a good photographer — i think particularly in a photojournalism type vein or even large scale concert photography. i guess i’m just glad that i can be there to help him along. i found him really randomly too. virginia had gotten a bunch of free taste of chaos tickets and i was trying to sell them. last minute, though, they never came. i got a lot of offers for the tickets, as i supposedly would have gotten 6, but it fell through for everyone. coincidentally, i was offered taste of chaos tickets from their publicist, so i thought, why not offer these tickets to someone, since the show is sold out and blahblah? i talked to who is now my photographer a bit over text message and then just decided, why not, ask him if he can write and blahblahblah. it just so happened that he had been looking for a way to get into concert photography… so the one time i decided to go out on a limb for a random person worked out, and it worked out really well.

i just hope this is legitimately a stepping stone for him, and that photography really will be a viable option for him in the future. and if in fact my little ghetto magazine becomes instrumental in his growth and success as a photographer, i’ll be really happy. i know that since he has started doing photography for me, he finally picked up a camera of his own, since he was previously borrowing one from school. maybe that step was taken because of the experience, maybe not, but either way, it’s all good things.

i’m watching… fresh prince of bel-air.
i’m feeling… ok yarrr!so i don’t even know where i am at anymore with dates really, but whatever.

friday, august 4th, 2006 — someone wrote on sushimonsters that momoya on kirkland was teh uber awesome so we went there as part of our anniversary celebration and it was pretty good… their cactus roll was quite yummy — has garlic in it and is rather spicy and is kind of good O__o

saturday, august 5th, 2006 — lenny and i went to ghost town and umm stuff! it was right outside of leavenworth, at a place called… what was it called, i don’t even remember anymore. oh yeah, it was blewett (i had to look it up). blewett was an old mining town. we couldn’t find it at first — all we found was a placard marking blewett as a historical site. lucky us, though, we saw this little creek/river, and there was a guy with a boat, and it was rigged up to individual baskets for panning for gold. so he told us to go across the street and that there wasn’t really much left. there really wasn’t. there was just a old stamping mill that was all crumpled up and exploded and you couldn’t even really tell what it was anymore. there were also three individual mines, one of which had a really steep insane slope down to the entrance. the other ones were fairly normal. unfortunately, we didn’t have a flashlight, so we couldn’t really go into it or anything, although there probably would have been an animal inside that’d maul our faces off. :0 anyway, then we basically came back and bought some weird candy around leavenworth.

tuesday, august 8th, 2006 — lenny and i’s one year anniversary. honestly, i don’t remember what happened. not much, i don’t think, since we did other stuff already. i made him a video. you can see it on youtube. but i’m not telling you how. but if you really want to know, you can tell me, and i might show you.

anyway, miscellaneous things in between… work sat me down (the city of kent) and had a talk because they felt like i was slacking on coming in and stuff, which i guess i was… and yeah. things are all good now. sushi monsters has been doing okay, been averaging 100 hits a day these past few days, which is pretty sweet. sent off the past few copies of redefine to distributors to see what they’d say — didn’t get an answer from some, but others said they’d be interested if it were just a normal 8.5″ x 11″ on glossy paper — which the last copy was not. sooo i’m going to spend a few hundred bucks and make that happen and send it out again, and chances are pretty good, i think, that we will get a distribution deal. from there, i’m not really fucking sure, but i’m just kind of going with the flow.

thursday, august 17th, 2006 — andy [crossett] and i went to look for apartments in bellevue and fucking aghhh we found the perfect freaking place, brand newly remodeled, new everything. i wanted to put down deposit. he said… how about we take our chances and don’t do it. and we didn’t. so we went to posa’s to look @ his apartment but the apartment people weren’t there, so we just hung around posa’s apartment for a while. we decided to go back and put down a deposit — too bad, the apartment was now taken. in a matter of half an hour or something. god fucking damnit, that place was seriously PERFECT. it was soooooo nice i’m really kind of annoyed when i think about it — that’s the last time i listen to someone else! we ended up finding a place not too far down, on 140th and 12th. it’s spanish-looking. i dunno, it seems alright. the bathrooms are new. which is cool. fantastic. getting out of here in a matter of days. cool.

friday, august 18th, 2006 — weee. so sherry was supposed to come up to go to oregon with andy and lenny and i, but unfortunately her flight got cancelled and they wouldn’t fucking even give her a discount on booking another ticket. honestly ridiculous poor hairy. her plans for the weekend were completely debunked. sooo we left for oregon a bit later than we had originally planned, which was as soon as sherry got here @ midnight. we ended up leaving @ 8 in the morning. went to our campground @ champoeg. missed the exit, and so we went to shop @ the outlets for a little bit. i bought a couple shirts and a pair of rocketdog shoes that totally rock ass. anyways, we left and headed onto the ghetto campground, with no really exciting trails or anything. they looked interesting on the website, but the website lied. i think the photos were taken during spring when all the flowers were in bloom. in summer — really not so exciting. anyways, after we got to the campground and checked in (around 2), we immediately left for the oregon coast. stopped by seaside, and the beach there was really unexciting, so we went to cannon beach which was 800,000x more exciting, 2x as big, and 1/2 as crowded. so it was totally awesome. we also brought a skimboard with us and so i learned to skim, and i think i have the hang of it for the most part. i can’t do it totally consistently, but about 75% of the time, i think… although when you get off the board and stop for a while and try to do it again, it feels a little awkward!! cannon beach is sooo very nice. pretty sand, pretty water, no seaweed, wtf. it’s really kind of weird. one of the nicest beaches i’ve gone to, i think, with the exception of thailand. way better than fucking gross ass northern california ughhh! after skimboarding and cannon beach and stuff we drove home, and along the way, stopped by this weird gas station with weird people that sold a lot of guns and knives and it was gross and had a weird vibe. but yeah… got home and went to bed. it was very late and dark by then — well not that late… probably about 10pm.

saturday, august 19th, 2006 — woke up at like 10 the next morning and went to portland to andy’s sister’s house. it was a nice ass apartment with really awesome furniture that she got ultra cheap. sat around for a while eating animal crackers and eventually she left, so we went swimming @ her apartamento complex. there was one weirdo guy who… was weird, but anyway, the pool was also odd. the deepest part was 4′ but generally it was 3′6 all around the pool. why that height, i’m not really sure. we swam for a while and they had community blow-up rafts, so that was fun! played marco polo for a while and i think i splashed water at random people at some point. but yeah, pools are always fun!!! i think i got a bit darker!!! after that, we drove to the cove palisades campground, which was pretty much in the middle of nowhere. we had to drive through the mountains to get there. people were scared! cause the sun was red and looked like it was bleeding and it looked like it was red because something was on fire. i’m still not really sure what the deal was, but it was weird. when we finally got there, that whole place smelled weird as shit too, every five feet or so when you got into the boonie little (zombie-infested) cities had a different kind of scent — probably because they planted buttloads of different crops there. earth2o water is located in culver there! that only has 700 people or so, lol. anyway, like four hours later or something, we got there, and it was kind of weird, it was like we were in arizona, with this giant canyon and shit. it was quite a trek down to even get to the campsite… basically it was across this little suspension bridge that connected two plateaus or something. it was weird! but we made it across and we had purchased salmon and scallops, and marshmellows that were never eaten, and andy had bought tofurkey sausages that he said tasted like sawdust. yeah! sawdust!!! we also bought potatoes and corn, because we were going to throw them into the campfire, but unfortunately, that camp was in such a dry area that they wouldn’t allow campfires so we could only use the portable coleman grill lenny bought. we could boil corn, but the potatoes could not be eaten, so they were not eaten. most unfortunate. but i cooked the scallops with butter and garlic salt and mmmmmm they were super good. the salmon was super good too yayyyyyyyyy yummy everything. nothing like eating phat feastings at a campground. lol. we went to bed shortly after eating although our neighbors were uber freaking loud. but whuteva. they were playing music up past 10pm and the camp people came and yelled at them and said that if they kept it up, they’d get ejected. unfortunately, they didn’t. oh well.

sunday, august 20th, 2006 — the next morning, we got up and went on a hike around the area. in ‘arizona,’ if you will. we saw two different types of lizards, blue-tailed skink and something else. the same two breeds were all over the freaking place. also saw a rabbit. and a squirrel pushing an egg that we thought was an out-of-the-norm animal egg, but it turned out to be just a chicken egg, and that was disappointing. also saw a bunch of different stupid spiders. at some point we went down the mountain trail to the water and saw some path along the side of a hill that hadn’t been traveled very much. no shit. i led the way and it was freaking spider web haven; i got spider webs all over the place (good thing they were thick ones… sick!!!) so finally lenny took the path and even then we decided there was too many and turned around. seemed like we were going into the unknown anyways… on the way back (well, and to), we tried to catch lizards but to no avail — them bitches is fast! finally we left the campground and started to head back. a ghost town was supposedly on the way, but the highway entrance to that highway was really poorly marked. we drove well past a gas station when we decided to go back and talk to the people there, and they said, “yeah, we get 100 people a day asking us how to get to 97 cause they’ve missed it. it’s very poorly marked.” the reason we were going to take 97 was because i wanted to stop by shaniko ghost town on the way. shaniko was such a joke. on some ghost town website it was labeled top 10 ghost town in the united states. it is a ghost town no longer, although the old buildings are still there. the people in the town have turned it into a tourist attraction — with museums and corny attractions. nothing much really costs money, which was cool, cause most everything was on a donation basis. but basides that, it was kind of a creepy little tourist trap town run by senior citizens who weren’t really that friendly. there was a sheriff, however, wearing the traditional wild west sheriff garb, carrying a shotgun, and that was kind of interesting. people kept firing off shotguns too, with blanks. interesting. but not what i had wanted. i think my love affair with ghost towns has exploded. sigh. ghost towns (or former ghost towns) with highways running through them are no freakin thx. bitches. anyway, after that, we drove back, and it took quite a while to get home, but finally we made it. yupyup. so concludes our oregon trip. on the way back, i took some rockin videos of lenny singing and dancing to things like britney spears’ “toxic,” and it was freaking awesome. heehee.

lately andy and i have been the last ones left about the apartment (well, for the MOST part, although other people still have stuff here)… and so we’ve been basically bumming around the tv all day. the really stupid retarded part is arlen took all of the routers so andy and i had to SHARE the freaking internet cord (which you have to restart between switching computers every time — it’s so fucking stupid). but i think come wednesday internet will be disconnected, as will cable, so i’m not 100% sure what we’re going to do lol. we’ll see about this. well i guess we are ok to move in on sunday, but regardless of that, it still doesn’t really matter.

time to go. blahblah. my entries sure godamn suck now.

8:12 pm
just about now
sleeping all day seems okay
i’m invisible,
words i say just fade away.
are my intentions so bad?
so vile, so base –
that offense is always taken
but i can’t take the offense
and i’m not the only one
with the occasional shitty word to say,
but i’m always making apologies,
feeling bad for this and that
when who else is thinking twice –
thinking twice about this brat?
for they won’t even adress me by my name –
it’s the fairy tale gone haywire,
the hero getting slain.

left behind, unadvancing
feelings of inferiority slowly clamping
down on one leg to cripple
an already stunted organism.
bleeding from the pores,
half a limb falling off,
an animal on the defensive,
defensive to the core.

i’m hurt.
and powerless,
with no one saying i’m good.
there’s no saving grace
and no one to say
you’re good,
you’re great,
you’re okay.

it’s been a long time since i’ve written a poem, perhaps because i have been fairly pleased up until now, i suppose? but lately i guess i’ve been feeling invisible. people make me feel bad about things but they’re no better… it’s just that they never saw it to begin with, so they can only cast out blame. my example is with alex [bennett] i suppose, who used to spend a lot of time with his girlfriend before they broke up… much more than i spend with lenny, at that. we’d always wonder where he was, and why he wasn’t back more often. i make a conscious effort to spend time at home, because i feel bad not being at home every so often to hang out, and whatever. but how can he say that i never spend time at home and make me feel bad about it? and then now that him and andy [crossett] are uber buddy buddy, i always feel left out. it’ll be the three of us and alex will address andy by his name, saying, “hey andy, what should we do now?” i’m never even in the mix. we’ll go out to dinner and i’ll be trailing behind while they are buddy buddy. i suppose it is natural that when people spend more time with one another, they become closer. but that is just lame, cause it’s not like i want to sit in his room all day just because andy does. and i just think it’s mean… mean only cause it should be obvious that it is mean. i often take the extra step to trail behind and make a random person who is in the migrating party who is alone feel welcome — on one such occasion, it was alex, i, andy, and andy [zhang], and i trailed behind the whole time trying to make small talk with andy — although i don’t know him well or have much to talk to him about — feel welcome, or at least feel like he had a buddy. andy and alex didn’t even try — just led the way in their la la world with no concern for other people. yet… alex always manages to make me feel bad for “not being home” or whatever. why should i be the only person to feel bad? at least i’m making an effort. it makes me feel really bad, though… i just want to sulk.

people say that groups of three always results in one person being left out, but i don’t believe that is true, cause i know what it was like to be in a group of three where everyone was alright. but why do people place so much guilt on the “guilty” when they are guilty too? it’s just not fair.

man this post used to be a fuck10ad l0nger but i just accidenta11y de1etd m0st 0f it!! SHIT. dumb…