inside the wonderful world of vee

I’m listening to… “Just Tonight…,” “Work,” “Kill,” and “23″ by Jimmy Eat World.

Man, I really need to update my journals from Spain, Portugal, and Japan. But I’ll probably get to those when I’m in Portland, or something.

Well, on the plus side out of all of this, I’ve been having some I guess deep conversations with people lately. Why, I’m not really sure, but I’m finding out a lot of things about people that are well, random and interesting. Just read a blog Kyle, my writer, posted years and years ago when I first started talking to him… about his friend’s death, their friendship, and his friend’s struggle with her mom’s cancer and with living. I don’t know. It was touching.

I also watched “The Diving Belle And The Butterfly” with Alex tonight. Rachel, Jack, and I had rented it last night but gotten distracted by stupid shit, like MySpace, and not watched it. LOL. Rachel asked me, “When do you want to watch that movie?” and I was high and said, “In an hour,” but I was totally fucking joking. She, also high, thought I was serious! WTF! So we never watched it. Oh well, though. It was a visual and cinemographic delight. The story was captivating but primarily only because of the cinematography. I recommend highly. Just for the visuals.

Anyway, I mentioned deep conversations as a plus side but that has nothing to do with my current woes, actually.

The positive thing to come out of it all is my re-reliance and reconnection with music. I’ve been neglecting music for so so so long. I mean, I honestly haven’t really downloaded or sorted my music for YEARS. I mean YEARS. Probably three and a half years, right around the time I got a boyfriend. haha. I started doing a bit of that and it’s weird, but I feel a lot fucking better. I’ve been like, sleeping at 4AM every night and waking up at around 1PM, and the primary reasoning behind it all is that I’ve been gorging myself on music. It’s like I’m rediscovering it. A lot of things have been lost for years and I’m just starting to pay attention to it. It’s a sense of familiarity that is welcome right now.

What else am I realizing? I’m realizing my relationship with writing, that is something else that is neglected in my best moods. Writing, more than anything, has gotten me through my worst times. It’s selfish, kind of, as writing is a purely egotistical thing, I think… but from when I was a little girl… I’d say 5th grade at earliest… and I was unhappy (yes, I was unhappy at 5th grade)… writing was always the #1 outlet. The thing that would never turn its back on me no matter what type of shit I said to it. It was always there to listen, without judging. It sounds fucking stupid. But whatever. I think only people who like writing would understand.

In other news, turns out my mom’s growth on her kidney is not cancer, so that’s good. It’s muscle tissue! HOORAH!!! Too bad I already bought my plane ticket home. Oh, well.

And now for some lyrics. I saw Jimmy Eat World like… four? months ago? Or less, maybe, even? And this was one of the songs that played. I closed my eyes and lost myself in it… which is something I also haven’t done for years… I think since the second to last The Juliana Theory concert I saw. Something about this song… the lyrics, the sounds… just rubs me the right way. No matter what mood I’m in, I can listen to it. It’s like my relationship with Brand New’s Deja Entendu album, but this is a one off. It epitomizes the perfect musical emotion. It’s hard to explain.

I felt for sure last night
That once we said goodbye
No one else will know these lonely dreams
No one else will know that part of me
I’m still driving away
And I’m sorry every day
I won’t always love these selfish things
I won’t always live…
Not stopping…

 

It was my turn to decide
I knew this was our time
No one else will have me like you do
No one else will have me, only you

 

You’ll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I’m here I’m now I’m ready
Holding on tight
Don’t give away the end
The one thing that stays mine

 

Amazing still it seems
I’ll be 23
I won’t always love what I’ll never have
I won’t always live in my regrets

 

You’ll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I’m here I’m now I’m ready
Holding on tight
Don’t give away the end
The one thing that stays mine

 

You’ll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I’m here I’m now I’m ready
Holding on tight
Don’t give away the end
The one thing that stays mine…

 

* JIMMY EAT WORLD - 23 *

and though we did not believe in god
the gray skies fell, we felt the pressure drop
and we were feeling down
some eyes were looking down at us
the souls that made the call
the judgment when they spoke, said, “not at all”
the words that came made not a sound
a mouth said, “not a sound at all”
what surely said, “we wrote a book”
and rearranged the signs and forms to look like something understood
Like something we had seen before
and waiting pensive, sad, and look
up to the stars and counting all the suns and all the moons
how sad it was that we could not believe

 

and everyone who believes
and everyone who believes
and they said,
we all said hallelujah
we all said hallelujah
and everyone move around with ease
and everyone move with ease around and then,
we all said hallelujah
we all want answers anyway

 

still we could not conceive the call
the midnight fell, we felt the measure fall
and we were feeling down
some eyes were looking down at us
and waiting pensive, sad, and look
up to the stars and counting all the suns and all the moons
how sad it was that we could not believe

 

and everyone who believes
and everyone who believes
and they said,
we all said hallelujah
we all said hallelujah
and everyone move around with ease
and everyone fell right to their knees and then,
we all said hallelujah
we all want answers anyway
we all want answers anyway

 

THE HELIO SEQUENCE - HALLELUJAH.

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zomg, so i got the new temposhark cd, the invisible line, in the mail today. i love love love. the album wears on me after a while, but the first track i absolutely adore. i can’t share the track right now as the album is not released until march 2008, but sample lyrics for the first track, “don’t mess with me”:

see my crown?
i am king!
you’ll love the endless worshipping.
i am raw, a dinosaur,
but i will never be extinct,
so don’t mess with me,
i’ll shoot you down,
so don’t mess with me
i’ll knock you down
TEMPOSHARK - DON’T MESS WITH ME.

it’s not so bad when you look back.
keep your chin up, but don’t hope for more than you should…we don’t wait, anymore, to be surprised.haven’t we been away too long, to know…
all that was lost when we left our urgency?THE PALE PACIFIC - FALL TO PLACE.

just an outsider looking in. my heart hurts. quite literally.

lately, i feel very uncomfortable in my own skin. this is not a kind of “i hate myself” type thing. this is more a… double-guessing myself type thing.

now, running a magazine has never been easy and it has never been smooth, but i have never doubted it as much as i do right now. the reason i say this is because when i first started doing the magazine in 2004, i had a lot of spark and a lot of passion for it. now, it’s different. it’s not that i no longer care completely or i don’t get excited when i see a talented new artist or musician, because i do. it’s just that with such small numbers, you begin to think whether you’re placing any impact on the people who see your magazine at all. it is truly, truly wearing.

i don’t know how to adequately describe this phenomenon, so i’ll try to use an example.

previously, writing letters from the editor were a cake walk for me because i was burning with passion… burning with the desire to right the wrongs of corporate monopolies vs. independent media. but now, i just don’t know… i’m at a loss. i’m at a lull. it just seems so pointless.

this old man once stopped me at sureshot coffee shop on university way as i was dropping off magazines, and he went into this huge long schpeil about how magazines are pure vanity, and that the editors behind them were cocky people who only cared about what they wanted. this guy was seriously kind of fucking crazy. i was really offended at the time that he would say something like that, and especially to me, who was pouring my heart and soul into the magazine. at the time, the magazine was my livelihood, and i believed in it 100%.

now…

it’s not that i don’t believe in it or believe in what i’m doing, because i do. absolutely. but it gets to a point where you’re so busy trying to survive that believing in something is not nearly enough.

and that’s sad.

it’s like the whole sad but true survival of the fittest thing. when you’re so busy trying to keep your own head above water, you can only minimally care about the suffering of those around you.

i wish i had infinite money to right the wrongs and do it right, but the truth is, i don’t know what i’m doing these days. i’ve given myself an ultimatum, basically along the lines that if barnes n’ nobles and borders don’t pick up the issue the next time around, i’ll quit. right now, this next issue (out september 3rd, 2007) will be distributed by books-a-million and some outlet in canada. those are alright, but the numbers are small and my major west coast target audience (and content audience) will not be represented. and that kind of sucks. had i known earlier, i would have tailored things more towards that, but unfortunately, i wasn’t told about the exact details of the numbers and locations until pretty late… by then, it was too late to sell ads and to tailor my content accordingly. not all the content is west coast-based, but at least half. which is too bad.

anyway.

moral of the story is basically that lately i’m wondering if in fact the magazine IS an exercise of my own ego. certainly it started out being fueled completely by passion, but i’m becoming a bit burnt out. until it works, if it starts working, i think i’ll constantly be questioning my own actions and motives. i just hope it works out. cause if not, it’s been a long time and a lot of money wasted.

…

things in general just seem to not be going my way lately. i feel really… out of it, i guess.

more details on my san diego and los angeles trip tomorrow. but that’s tomorrow.

…

i won’t nurture, and feed this bitterness.
it’s worth it, seen any of this
love and forgiveness.
our time is true
i know you’re full of fear;
i hope i’m never like you.

i won’t nurture and feed this hate…
it’s empty and doesn’t change a thing.
love will endure when it comes to the end.
i see you’re insecure;
i know there’s hope for you…

why can’t i let go?
i’m only the shell of a man.
i’m lost in myself,
and afraid of who i really am…
the shell of a man.

THE JULIANA THEORY - SHELL OF A MAN.

ramblin, where to begin –
i taste the summer on your peppery skin.
been saved, the warmer the waves,
i felt a slip into a watery grave.my girl, linen and curls,
lips parting like a flag, all unfurled,
she’s grand — the bend of her hand,
digging deep into the sweep of the sand.

summer arrives with a length of lights,
summer blows away,
and quietly gets swallowed by a wave…
it gets swallowed by a wave…

THE DECEMBERISTS - SUMMERSONG.

why gwen stefani is a genius.

joe and i finally got a chance to listen to her newest album, the sweet escape, and we basically concluded this: either gwen stefani is 1) an idiot who makes terrible music, or 2) a genius.

i will argue that she is a genius.

let me attempt to do this nimble goddess justice, however, for my words probably cannot nearly sum up her genius. that and, i pretty much probably can’t even comprehend it. i will try, nonetheless… with some concrete examples for you.

—

the hollaback girl example.

by most standards, “hollaback girl” is a pretty annoying track. i don’t know how this track was chosen as the hit song for her album love angel music baby BUT whatever the stroke of genius behind the decision, it worked. and it definitely worked after the music video took off. major elements of the music video: cheerleaders, high schoolers, scantily clad girls… all individuals in the target demographic and individuals people outside of the target demographic like. GENIUS.

—

the harajuku girl example.

gwen, in her genius, has you thinking that harajuku girls look like this.

for starters, REAL harajuku girls would probably have “rovers” on their jerseys, not “lovers.” but set aside that bit of engrish, and you will find where the real piece of gwen’s genius comes in: according to google (and i must concur, for i hath witnessed them with mine own eyes), REAL harajuku girls look like this:

and this (not necessarily with a mouth full of food like that savage, though… i want that hat):

but NOT this (these girls are like, straight out of the fucking hood):

so you probably haven’t recognized gwen’s genius in this aspect just yet. i barely have, but i will try to explain it in terms that simple people like us can understand. because of the general ignorance of americans as to what a “harajuku girl” is, gwen can absolutely invent an identity for these girls. after all, the term and label “harajuku girl” instantly sparks curiosity cause it sounds foreign, and then gwen backs that up by dressing her faux-harajuku girls up with geisha makeup. it’s pretty much a flawless plan to further stereotype a race BUT here’s the real clincher: to give gwen a group of lackies who will follow behind her, pretend to not speak much english, look pretty, do nice backup dancing, and most of all, make gwen stand out amongst them.

—

the “yummy” example.

in line with gwen’s genius, i surmise that this song, “yummy”, off of gwen’s the sweet escape album, will be made into a video sometime and will subsequently turn into a hit that people will not be able to stop chanting (see the “hollaback girl” example).

for those of you who have not heard this song, it’s a cross between “london bridge” by fergie and “milkshake” by kelis. painful for me to think about, but gwen takes both of these terrible songs and makes a song that is, upon first glance, just as terrible. upon second glance, however, although gwen’s song is the combination of both of those songs, it is LESS terrible than the other two. you do the math. -1 + -1 = -2?? IN MATH, YES, BUT NOT IN THIS CASE! it doesn’t even make sense! that’s how much of a genius gwen is. she doesn’t have to adhere to mathematical rules, godamnit. when gwen is involved, -1 + -1 = 2!!

let us take a look at the lyrics so that we can try to pick apart and understand gwen’s genius in this song in particular.

“I know you’ve been waiting
But I’ve been out making babies
And like a chef making donuts and pastries
It’s time to make you sweat
Sex and sugar is the flavor
Ovens and beaters and graters
Beats made of bongos and shakers
It’s time to make you sweatI came back for my spotlight
(For her spotlight)
I disappeared like Houdini
(Where Houdini)
If yours didn’t come out right
(If it’s not right)
Go to Kinkos and xerox me” this girl must have scored 1600 on her english sat’s, because she uses analogies like no one’s business. i can’t even understand some of these analogies… where the fuck did houdini come from (no pun intended HAR HAR HAR… hm, is that even considered a pun?)? but it doesn’t even matter, you know? i’m just but one girl. gwen is in and of herself at much more than one girl. she’s like, 100. at least.—

the “leave you in a stupor” example.

i don’t remember the last time i could listen to an album and just absolutely be in complete awe and dismay of the events that had just unfolded before my ears. listening to gwen’s the sweet escape album, however, i was completely dumbfounded. particularly when i got to the last track, the live version of the album opening track, “wind it up.” it was completely mind-boggling, and i must say i could not say much more than “omg omg wtf omg omg!” for a few minutes. joe would attest to this. the track simply turned me into a bumbling idiot.

some would say it is because the track is so BAD, but just like it takes a really bad movie director to make a movie that is so bad it is GREAT, gwen can take a song that is so BAD and make it fascinating to listen to. and you turn into an drooling, brainless idiot listening to it because you simply cannot understand how a song like that was ever created. gwen is amazing, man. you never know what she’s going to do next.

—

the “one hit track per album” example.

as previously referenced in the “hollaback girl” example and the “yummy” example, gwen has one song off of each of these albums which is an unseeming hit (although “yummy” is not out yet, so this is all just a hypothesis… i may be completely misinterpreting gwen, for this is very possible, since i cannot completely understand her). so basically, gwen chooses one song for every album that will become this ridiculously huge hit that no one can stop reciting, and then fills the rest of the album with whatever experimental shit she wants to fill it with, because after people are so amazed and brainwashed by the first major track of the album, they won’t care what’s on the rest of the album. they’ll gobble it all up, dumbfounded by her genius.

why do websites MAKE you choose a password you don’t normally use because they think your password isn’t secure enough? mofo, i use the same password all the time. usually it passes the “strength test” but this time for wordpress, it didn’t, making future logins so hard to remember. if i suck at choosing passwords and my password is “dog,” let me get jacked. NUNYA BIDNEZZ.

— coming up beyond belief
on this coronary thief
more than just a leitmotif
more chaotic, no relief
i’ll describe the way i feel
weeping wounds that never heal… no hesitation, no delay,
you come on just like special k –
just like i swallowed half my stash;
i never ever want to crash. no hesitation, no delay,
you come on just like special k –
now you’re back with dope demand;
i’m on sinking sand…
gravity, no escaping gravity…
gravity,
no escaping…not for free
i fall down… hit the ground,
make a heavy sound,
every time you seem to come around. i’ll describe the way i feel;
you’re my new achilles heel
can this savior be for real,
or are you just my seventh seal? placebo - special k.

i’m listening to… the coral’s “nightfreak and the sons of becker,” muse, the fall of troy.
i’m feeling… k.

12:46 am - of all the new year’s resolutions i made, i really probably should’ve made one along the lines of um… WRITE IN YOUR JOURNAL. yeah.

valentine’s day was dull… surprisingly, it was more exciting last year. i was really hoping for just about ANYTHING. i could really scarcely believe it. but what’s a girl to do? i’m pretty sure i am probably the only girl on the planet who can stand this. i don’t know if some people just need training or what! i’m confused.

columbia reccords sent some CDs… there was a lashes album and i was kind of excited because i thought it was the whole CD. it has packaging and an insert and a printed disc and everything… turns out it is a single with ONE SONG. fuck, what a waste of space and money. -__- might as well just send me the whole promo, fucker.

i did game testing the other day for the xbox 360. 8 hours of playing video games and getting paid. hell yeah. but i do have to say: the xbox 360 is not that good of a product. they really should have done their best to work out problems BEFOREHAND, not after. seems weird that they would be doing testing AFTER the fact, no?

i went in for a job interview for madison park greetings today. hope i get it. REALLY hope i get it. i need a new job real bad. SO BAD. AAAAH…

god i hate these cds that are half quite good / tolerable and half crap. it’s so hard to listen to. and herein lies the benefits of mp3’s. i remember first having mp3’s and that 24 hour rule rofls. so funny. i wonder how many people actually adhered by the sample and delete policy? i think my first mp3’s were mostly korean songs. not sure why, really. i think they were the most easy to access or something, ironically.

yeah, i don’t know. fuck, i have a lot of stuff to do. no kidding. but whenever there is loads of unresolved shit, i ironically want to do nothing in return. i don’t think it makes much sense. i gotta set some goals. get a calendar again (maybe i’ll steal another one from ubookstore for this year). budget my time. :[ i think i’ll be happy to get a job elsewhere… i need some structure in my life.

today i went to chinatown with lenny and didn’t end up going to chinatown until 3. erin was quite mad. she said that yoga was the only thing she had going in her life that was right, and she was pissed off that she had to miss it. in all honesty, though, even if i had gotten there at 2, she would have missed yoga. we worked from 3-7:30. her yoga class was at 5:30. if i had gotten there at 2, she still would have not been able to leave @ 5:30 oh wellz.

i think i need to drink some water. i’ve dranken (drunken?) one glass of water all day, i believe. that can’t be too good, can it.

i’m going to make this my theme song. or at least try to…

don’t hold back. you gotta believe. you got it. you got it. you need it.
don’t be afraid of anything. you got it. you got it. believe it.
come on now. don’t say, “maybe.” hold your breath. you got it. you need it.
hold on tight now for the ride of your life. you gotta’ believe it.
words hurt. truth heals. sometimes both kill.
we can wish that everything was easy, counting all the ways that life’s not fair.
or say, “I’m not going down that easy. I’m not gonna’ fall cause you’re not here.”

 

we have seen it all. we’ve been through it all together.
we’ve been through the fire, and you gain your strength from me.
we have seen it fall. we painted the town red together.
we’re still standing tall as i gain my strength from you.

 

there’s beauty everywhere. there’s beauty everywhere.

 

THE JULIANA THEORY - WE MAKE THE ROAD BY WALKING.