inside the wonderful world of vee

i bought infusium23 conditioner not *too* long ago. the smell in the bottle is good. the aftermath of shampooing and conditioning is good… i get compliments from people saying that my hair smells nice.

LET ME TELL YOU KIDS: NICE-SMELLING HAIR COMES AT A COST!!!

so, back when i was living at the old apartment on greenwood ave. it wasn’t really a big deal… i mean, i noticed some fumes from the infusium while i was showering but nothing overwhelming or major — i noticed it primarily AFTER stepping out of the shower and being in the bathroom brushing my teeth or whatever.

now that i moved into a house that has a shower half the size or whatever…………………….. i don’t know what it is but the fumes are killing me!! KILLETHING MEEE! KILLING MEEEEE.

starting from two weeks ago, my throat began aching. i would wake up in the morning with my throat just completely burning.

one day i didn’t take a shower because, i don’t know, sometimes i do that when i know that i’m not going to leave the house for a day or whatever (yeah yeah). i noticed the next morning that my throat didn’t hurt. thought it was a little weird, but went about taking my shower. again, the throataches resumed.

so a couple days ago, i decided to conduct an experiment. i didn’t wash my hair one day, and the next day, i stole one of my roommate’s shampoos. HAHAHAHAHA (hey, it’s in the name of saving my life… it’s okay).

magically, the day after the first day of dirtiness, my throat barely hurt. today, the second day of relative dirtiness, MY THROAT DOESN’T HURT AT ALL. not at all. not a smidgen.

the feeling infusium 23 gives me when i’m in the shower is akin to something like this… have you ever decided to wash a bathtub with bleach or some other cleaning product and then accidentally turned on the hot water???? (or maybe not so accidentally, because it gets the job done faster????) well, the fumes from that shit are pretty fucking intense, let me tell you. alex knows all about this. breathe in too much of that shit and it WILL leave your lungs and your throat feeling raw for the next couple days.

that’s what infusium feels like. IT’S BAD.

BOYCOTT INFUSIUM.

or maybe who knows. one of my roommates might just be pouring bleach into my shampoo every morning. dun dun dun. it did magically start when i got HERE… HMMMMMMMMMM. INDEEEEED.

anyway, alex, lenny, and i went on this park quest this past weekend. i must share delicious pics. my house in greenlake = surrounded by parks and natury goodness. and a zoo! albeit a shitty one. a very shitty one.

i need a bike.

alex… he is enjoying the baboon much too much… T__T

“gimee yer ears!”

“respect the cock! tame the cunt!” (they made me do it… quote from “magnolia”)

i’m a regular photographer. btw, his mouth is right where my penis just was.

doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo.

and now, for the coup de gras…

“yee-haw!”

and now, for the coup de gras-er… to be honest, i don’t even know what that term means…

the dr. seuss-style one-eyed tree!! HE IS GOING TO GET AN EYE A’PAINTED ON ‘IM!

i’m listening to… emilliana torini, ryan adams, ella fitzgerald.
i’m feeling… meh.

10:12 pm — i am soooo tired =__=

and it’s not from lack of sleep… i just want to go somewhere and not have to worry about anything =) tired of not having the magazine work, tired of not having a job, tired of not having money… oy.

through the past month or so, i have discovered come to hate some people! really, really. it’s not the best thing, but some people are just like fucking intolerable, i swear…

hate is so bad… but i think i finally hate someone!!! for the second time in my life (but i am over the first person because i got an apology… although what he did was far worse… and maybe i’m not 100% over it, but i don’t really have to deal with his existence, so whatever).

the other day i went to sure shot cafe on university way to drop off some magazines, and this old dude stopped me and started ranting about how all people who run indie magazines should band together to create one magazine and make one magazine that has information about everything… like a collective magazine. because magazines are supposed to be a storehouse of knowledge, he said, so therefore they should have everything. he kept going on about how editors of magazines are cocky monkeys, and how everything is about ego, ego, ego. that may be true, but a collective publication would never work out… people have different goals and different aims. a publication like that would never work. he went on about how in the 60s they tried doing collective publications like that but the police stopped it, and how no one will ever do that now… he said a lot about how “america was dying” blahblahblah.

anyways. the past weekend the scm people came up for some lan tourney, la la la. yes. nothing much special there. yes.

we need to go questing… it’s been a while.

blahblah. of all things lately, i’m yearning for some stability. i need something constant… cause nothing really is. i make my own inefficient days… and although i DO do a lot more than a lot of people, it feels so incomplete… i hope i’m one of the people who gets lucky enough to get something out of my own trials and tribulations, rather than out of someone else’s… to be deeming what you want to do for your life is the most underrated shit. i don’t want to be stuck as one of those who gets told what to do.

it’s that feeling that’s coming up again — of overwhelming mediocrity and the lack of being complete. UGHHHHHH. i don’t know how people can sit around and do absolutely NOTHING. as human beings, don’t people feel like there’s a duty to themselves to accomplish something? i don’t know though, maybe if / when you don’t do anything, it’s easier to not be let down, right? why risk it…

i went to a job interview for web design last thursday, and i THOUGHT i did swell, but i haven’t heard back from them yet. i don’t honestly know how long it takes people to make decisions like this, but i really hope i get it. they’re nice people, and i think i can craft websites that are shitloads better than the ones they have now… and i thought the interview was okay… so there’s no reason in my mind that i shouldn’t get it… but i’ve never successfully interviewed for a job yet — every job i’ve had i kind of had ASAP… so… that being said, i don’t know…

i’ve been getting nosebleeds like when i wake up every morning UGH. today i got it for like twenty minutes while taking a shower. it was fscking annoying. and it’s like. only out of one nostril. and it is super runny, like the consistency of water, just spurting out, and then chunking up all over the place when it finally congeals into little livers. UGHHHHHH.

i feel like i should be saying something more worthwhile because i haven’t written anything in here like a month, but nothing is really coming to me. oy vey. too much incompleted stuff to think about to get things to “come to mind,” i guess…

lenny, posa, and i have been working on our sushimonsters.com site. it’s slowly coming along, but the amount of work involved is massive. SO TIRED UGHHHHHH… gotta fight it. one of these days, one of my business ventures will hopefully pay off, and on that day, i’ll be happy.

work isn’t everything, but it is a huge indication of who you are if you want it to be. and i want it to be; i want to make a mark with something worthwhile.

i’m listening to… … the cardigans.
i’m feeling… meh…

2:51 am — smeh just tried going to sleep but i don’t want to… too unhappy to sleep, if that makes sense. i’m so tired… just want to sleep forever. i feel so defeated. i hate a lack of conclusion to things. i can’t stand it. and i can’t stand that i am up to my neck in medical bills and i don’t know shit about my body. how i feel like fuck and i don’t know how to fix it and i don’t want to spend thousands more dollars finding out there’s nothing and not being sure if it’s all mental or if i’m just crazy or what… but no conclusion makes for unhappiness and i don’t know what to do until i fix it. i feel like doing nothing. i feel so godamn defeated. i want to do nothing. i can say nothing else to describe my feelings except that i want to do nothing. i’d say fuck the magazine, i give up, but my rational mind won’t allow it. but it sounds oh so fucking tempting. i’d rather not sleep cause i’d rather not cry. i’d rather be awake so i can go blind, staring at this computer monitor without the lights on. i just want to feel better. i just want to feel okay or to know what the fuck is wrong with me. why my ear has some weird growth that hurts. why my eye gets fucked up after a day of not taking vitamins, and why it still sometimes is annoying even when i do. what the fuck. health really is everything. if you feel like shit all the time, you can do nothing. you want to do nothing… it sounds so easy to not try at all. to just take things as they are given… to just find a 9 to 5 job… fuck passion, fuck whatever, i only care about money. i am a tool for the capitalist pigs. it would be so fucking easy. why is it so hard to be satisfied? it’s shitty because some people really are born with an innate ability to be unhappy. and some are just generally peachy. i’m just scared to end up dead one day having done nothing and having felt nothing and having known nothing.

writing is the only thing that keeps me sane…

this is not to say i’m high and mighty at all, but i think i care too much that i say the right things and do the right things for people. not in the kiss-ass type of way, but in the, “i’ll-do-this-even-if-i-don’t-want-to-because-it’s-the-nice-thing-to-do,” or the, “i’ll-cut-you-slack-because-it’s-the-nice-thing-to-do,” or whatever… i’m so tired. i’ve always been able to not give a fuck about what people thought or whatever, but it’s becoming increasingly difficult. i think i’ve become a lot more conscious of shitty things i say, so i try to stop them, therefore when people do the same shitty things, it makes me feel ultra bad. or when i fuck up and do something shitty, it makes me feel horrendous. like for example, this morning my mom went to the store and asked me if i wanted to go but i was half-asleep because it was like 6 in the morning… but then i was thinking, i shoulda gone with her cause shopping by yourself sucks, and so i stayed up for like an hour thinking that and feeling overly bad over something i couldn’t change. i think stress is killing me… stress that’s made by myself from my new inclination to being overly sensitive. fuck that. give me back my old self…

for 27 years i’ve been trying to believe and confide in,
different people i’ve found.
some of them got closer then others;
some wouldn’t even bother,
and then you came around
i didn’t really know what to call you;
you didn’t know me at all,
but i was happy to explain.
i never really knew how to move you,
so i tried to intrude through
the little holes in your veins…
and i saw you…
but that’s not an invitation;
that’s all i get.
if this is communication,
i disconnect.
i’ve seen you, i know you,
but i don’t know
how to connect….
so i disconnect.
* THE CARDIGANS - COMMUNICATION *

i’m listening to… the postal service.

11:41 pm - holy fucking shit time goes by fast. just looking at today’s date after not thinking about it for so long makes me wonder where all the time went.

so nothing really horrendously good as of lately. i feel like shit and the worst part is i don’t know if it’s all in my head or if i’m actually feeling like shit! i’ve been having some eye discomfort in my right eye and i’ve seen like three eye doctors and none of them could see anything wrong with me… so finally the last one said i should get an mri to make sure everything is okay.

first off, mris are those big long white tubes you see on tv shows that you go inside of. THEY ARE SERIOUSLY THE WORST THING EVER. i thought i was going to faint like 4 times, and i had to blink my eyes every second just about to even stay awake and focused on anything. there was like a huge amount of pressure in my head for some reason - seriously feels like my brain is bleeding or something. it’s probably not, but its so strange. but yeah. mri = miserable. i hope none of you ever have to get one :0 although it seems rather common for people to get one eventually…

last night i ate hash brownies with lenny and andy. as well as crab. mm, crab. i bought it from uwajimaya and it needed to be slaughtered. poor things. one died pretty early on and lenny ripped off the shell and stuff okay. the other one he THOUGHT was dead wasn’t really dead, and as he was ripping off his shell, the crab started moving and he freaked out and stopped ripping it off halfway. and so he had to go back and do it again, and then the heart was still beating. so he stabbed it. not sure if that worked. think it did. gross… so gross. the insides of crabs are gross. and they fucking cost me $30. motherfuck.

anyways, back to the hash brownies. it was uh, cool and all. at first. i’ve never had any kind of problem with any kind of drug in my years of using drugs, so this was really really weird for me. i couldn’t fall asleep cause my eye was bothering me (as usual), so i decided to take an aleve. why i didn’t take the advil i don’t know, but i took the aleve instead because i was feeling so miserable and was thinking, “well, aleve is stronger so…”

so i took that, and a while later i started twitching uncontrollably sort of. it felt like i was on speed. couldn’t control my body and involuntary muscle spasms. not the first person to get this from aleve, from what i’ve read… but jesus christ man! it probably is cause i’m allergic to it or something and the marijuana just elevated the side-effects (since that’s what marijuana usually does with any other drug — elevate it) and so it felt especially bad and uncontrollable. don’t know when it finally stopped — i guess after i actually passed out in bed after sitting on the couch half-watching tv and half-not thinking for a while. i also have like hives on my face — i know this because i’ve gotten them when i was allergic to alcohol before — and that just so happens to be a side-effect of aleve. so shit. no more aleve. ever…! and i don’t suggest you take it either.

so twitchy. still… what’s goin on!!!!!!!!

i’m listening to… “the energy” by audiovent, “crying” by nanase aikawa, “mother’s prayer” by mest, “the river” by tapping the vein, “you’re gone” by something corporate.
i’m feeling… like shit.

11:16 am — aaah i got surgery yesterday for my huge cyst and now i am hurting all over. yesterday was okay but today breathing is hella weird. my lungs hurt… and my shoulders. i dunno why. +__+ i’m taking endocet as a painkiller… i think i’m going to stop though, i don’t think it’s painful enough to warrant taking painkillers… +__+

my mom keeps feeding me although i’m not hungry and (haven’t really pooped yet). +__+ but that’s how asian parents are i guess - feeding non-stop. always.

yesterday i got to the hospital and after a while my anesthesiologist injected my IV with some knock-out shit, and he was like, “this will make you a little tired,” and i remember talking to him a teeny bit about high school, and then i just straight passed out. and then i woke up in some ward with a bunch of other passed out people, and the lady next to me needed a translator… but they couldn’t find one… i hella wanted to jump in and i was like translating rudimentary spanish in my head (i’m crazy).

ahhh i feel so gross. anyway, i got wheeled out of the hospital in a wheelchair, so that was fun! since then though, i’ve just been eating, reading, sleeping, and chatting, pretty much. much like normal life, but half the movement! it’s weird having people help you up and stuff lol i feel so worthless~! mahhh bathroominnnnnnyyyggg.

oh yeah and my mom ran into my neighbor’s car yesterday when she was parking my car, and she refuses to leave a note, although it COULDN’T be anyone else. what an ass. =__=

and i have a hypothesis about why it feels like there is gas gurgling around inside me or something… i think the cyst took up so much space that now there’s all this extra room and everything is just all moving around inside. makes me feel gross to think about, but that’s seriously what it feels like what i move around X__X

i’m listening to… armor for sleep.
i’m feeling… KKK.

11:56 pm — i have discovered the most awesome game. hojo has it. it’s for ps2. some japanesey game called katagami ? something. you get a giant ball to roll around. and you pick up everything in the universe with it, until your ball gets bigger and bigger. it’s umm… awesome? :0

went to trivia night @ dante’s tonight… was pretty fun. lots of talk about old nickelodeon shows. what? legend of the forbidden temple? guts? winning a “glowing piece of the agro-crag?” double dare? nick-arcade? hey dude? can we say nick was genius? wtf happened?

anyway, we came in like 4th place. i never contribute anything to trivia night really, because i don’t know anything but it’s okay, it’s still pretty fun somehow.

went out to dinner tonight with like 20 people for hsu-ken’s birthday… the fOol is old!!! it was pretty fun though - went to hosoonyi’s and ate a SHITLOAD of food. holy crap. and his mom paid for everything. so that was pretty ummm awesome - stuffing selves to the point of explosion with awesome korean food, and for FREE. w00ty w00t w00t.

and um, i have discovered the most awesome website on the face of the planet: http://www.nationalgeographic.com/channel/highspeed/news.html — yeah i’ve been pretty much watching it off and on all day.

ever since my fucking ultrasound, i just feel hella weird and off balance. it’s all mental, i’m sure, but ARGGHHHHH. i HATE thinking about internal organs. it drives me wacko.

i’m listening to… christian talk radio.
i’m feeling… KKK.

8:49 am — for once i wake up to sun. JYES.

to recapz0r… things that have happened since last post…
[01] started waking up to christian talk radio. just to see what they say. the things they say are frickin ridiculous. no examples as of now, but they always say stuff like, “THIS IS A VICTORY FOR LEFT WING AMERICA” and shit like that. and they cut off whoever calls in and stuff… it’s quite am00ze.
[02] decided to say, “fuck it,” to art institute… i like it, somewhat, but i don’t feel like i’m learning enough to justify spending $5,400 a quarter and shit. i’m just going to try getting a job or something. yaaay maybe that means i don’t have to go to the rest of the quarter for the shitty ass classes!!! that’d rock. if anything, what art institute allows me to do is utilize abilities i may have, but it doesn’t really TEACH me anything persay. it’s just that i never try to do stuff when i’m not contracted to do it. :/ so if anyone needs stuff designed, hollar.
[03] eva’s mom came at one point and we had a bunch of people over and we were being really loud and we made her mad X: :[
[04] drama.
[05] interviewed tom from the plain white t’s. take action tour was whatever. it was… okay.
[06] a lot of smash brothers.
[07] watched “saw”… very fucked up movie in the beginning, but not nearly as fucked up towards the end, and hence not as good. but quite am00ze. watching scary movies… “scary” movies in big groups is fun. not as fun as harrassing solely liz during scary movies, but nevertheless.
[08] decided i’m going to go speeddating with my boss. why not?
[09] got an ultrasound, which hurt less than i had expected, buttttttt… yeah, i guess my ovarian cyst is almost so huge that the lady initially confused it with my bladder. X__x btw, fuck uw medicine, they never solve shit.
[10] my whole apartment (well sort of, namely eva, ray, and liz) got mono or some shit. WTF :0
[11] conclusion: out of ray’s dogs, bear > koko… 800,000x. bear’s my homie.
[12] mike drooled over my bedsheets, so i took them all and burned them, and now i don’t have bedsheets. partly true.
[13] went to see gatsby’s american dream. they were ALRIGHT. i actually liked the opening band, fall of troy, a lot better. this trip resulted in me realizing i lost my snowboarding advantage card and my driver’s liscense last time i went snowboarding, as well as probably some cash :X lenny drove me home during circa survive’s set to see if my ID was there, but it was nowhere to be found. oh well. at least - out of this trip - i got to play some contra @ cynthia’s.
[14] the magazine is a pain in the ass. oh wait, that’s not new. -__- fuckers.

i’m listening to… “good news” by something corporate (repeatedly).
i’m feeling… ok.

11:33 pm — weird, two days ago i wrote an entry @ the exact same time. o__O

anyway, went to the gyno today to get the cyst checked out. i do have a cyst. she gave me birth control pills to take for three months. so yay, no need for an ultrasound. hopefully the pain goes away, and hopefully uhhh birth control doesn’t reverse its freaky effects and give me pimples or something.

i am so stressed out, but for once i’m decently caught up on my work. road trips, road trips… i really want to go snowboarding, what the fuck ass. this snow is retarded. this weather is way weird. snow, damnit, snow.

pinch me!

we helped mike unpack their kitchen table today… i’m a fucking packrat. i ended up taking home styrofoam boards and corrugated recycled papers… WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME. wtf am i going to do with it? i don’t even know, but it’ll be grand. and i’ll get to that right after i learn to sew my own fucking clothes. i have so much fabric, just sitting there X__x maybe i should waste less time on the internet or something.

for my basic computers class we have to do a presentation on people that inspire us. it’s supposed to be one person, ideally, but mine is going to be on mc escher, brandon boyd, and darren aronofsky. h.o.t.t. - but i can’t say i’m the hugest aronofsky fan because i haven’t seen all of his movies… but tomorrow… i’ll go get the ones i’m missing. or something. X: and then it’s movie time.

and then she looked at me to scream, “my castles are falling.”

(nate’s response:)
i saw those pills on ur desk and i was gonna ask you but i thought itd be weird.. isnt this great now we dont have to use condoms! =P

(anthony’s response:)
you’re so cute when you’re frustrated. Sorry I didnt pick you up tonight. I’m a loser. I lose. But I won actually cause my drinks were free. That cyst stuff… thats kinda gross..but you’ll have to tell me about it sometime.. when im not eating or something

(lenny’s response:)
she doesnt need your chivalry, you scoundrel!
<3 anthony

i’m listening to… copeland.
i’m feeling… meh.

11:33 pm — eww so i guess my stomach pains were caused by a cyst i have near my ovary. they say it’s probably a fluid filled normal cyst… they said ultrasound, but the doctor said it’d hurt since i’m a virgin, so he is recommending that i go to a gynocologist first. shit, just as scary.

so i have this thing where i just buy books by random authors sometimes if they’re on sale… just to see how other people write and get a feel of how different writers write. i bought this book called “number nine dream” by david mitchell… and it started out really awesome… but then after starting it, you can’t tell the difference between what is real and what isn’t… it’s almost too surreal. with a movie, it’s decent, because you can kind of keep track of what’s real and what’s not because you have a better visual of what’s going on… but with a book, it’s just downright confusing.

speaking of confusing, me and alex watched “secret window” cause it was on hbo or whatever (my favorite channels)… and shit, that has a weird ass ending.

i think i lost my husky card or something T__T i really hope not!… it’s so inconvenient not having your husky card and having to go to work (especially since i get tickets now when i drive to work for a short period of time). T__T fuck dude, so much to do, so little time… no wonder i’m obsessed with efficiency and stuff. and recycling. for some reason i’m obsessed with recycling. it’s really odd.

(lenny’s response:)
“and recycling. for some reason i’m obsessed with recycling. it’s really odd.”
The Captain Planet episodes have done their job nicely.

i’m listening to… 311.
i’m feeling… lol.

10:30 pm — we just watched “ju on”… the original japanese version of “the grudge”… it was… retarded. X: not really scary at all. why the hell is it so famous? me, arlen, and farm watched it with liz, and we kept scaring her by screaming and shit… and liz left the room to get water, and before she left she turned on the lights, so me and arlen turned off the lights… he hid in the closet and i hid behind the door… and she didn’t even notice anything was wrong!! first of all the lights turned off, and second of all, we were sitting on the floor and we disappeared… not suspicious?! WTF?! good shit.

last night was daniel [kim]’s birthday so we went to honey court. dude, that place is so overrated. it’s so… not… good. but i ate anyway, cause i love eating, even though i’m a fat ass. oh well.

today… went to the doctor’s to get my stomach pain shit checked out… don’t know yet, but took blood test, and the lady couldn’t mind my fucking vein so she like poked me… and it hurt like a bitch! wtf! and it was just all sore… i think it’s bruised. h.o.t.t. and since my knees are bruised from snowboarding (although i really don’t know how the fuck), i looked like i “fell down some stairs.” and i have to get a catscan… they gave me these two bottles of milky white “berry smoothie” to drink beforehand… i just KNOW it’s going to taste like shit T__T and i have to drink it while i’m at school, and it’s supposed to make you poopy, so i uhhh better not eat the days before :0

saw the proof for the magazine today too… it’s fucking hot. damn.

and also… rocky horror picture show tomorrow ^__^ uw students are putting it on. wewt ^__^ we were supposed to go today, but i didn’t want to go with just arlen and farm… which is good, cause lotsa people are going to go tomorrow! yay!

art institute is good. wish i would have done that earlier, but you know, ehh… i probably don’t really. but i actually like doing work… and it’s actually fun. well, for the most part. a couple classes are boring like death, and 7:30 classes and commuting is not all that fun, but for the most part, it’s worth it. i think.

(lenny’s response:)
So it’s good that I flaked out! Now It’ll be a massive party shindig instead of just the 4 of us
It’s ok, you can thank me later ^^

UNLESS YOU WANTED TO KEEP IT SMALL SO YOU COULD BE ALONE WITH ME hahahaoisdiofusoiufd

I kid. I kid. ~__~

Tonight will be the the greatest night of our lives. Er.. maybe not lives, well maybe of this year? No, not that either. Maybe of the week. But Monday was pretty nice. So um how about greatest night of the day!

Well I can’t even garuntee that. So expect the most boring night of your life.