inside the wonderful world of vee

just moved into my new place in greenlake. i must say… it’s making me feel a bit neurotic. photo of the place coming tomorrow, but like……… i’ve mostly lived in: a) carpeted apartments or b) new houses. this house is c) none of those things. therefore, i am anal.

with a) carpeted apartments, it doesn’t really matter how dirty shit is. you vacuum it once and it feels okay. with b) new houses, which are often carpeted anyway. it doesn’t matter. cause they’re new. and they’re not dirty.

with c) non-carpeted and non-new house, everything is disgusting to me and i feel like it needs to be cleaned 80,000 fold. i’m not a neat freak by any regard but dirty shit grosses me the fuck out. particularly when it’s not my dirty shit. if it’s clean and i move in and it becomes dirty, it’s still gross, but better. when it’s just years of caked on dust that wipes off pitch black (like is in my closet… GAG) it’s fucking sick. so, i’m wiping this shit off, while inhaling dust and throwing up inside, and then layering over it with styrofoam sheets that i have.

DIRTY OLD HOUSE IS MAKETH VEE CRAZY. it’ll pass, though. i just need to stock up on a lot of fucking carpets. a lot. A LOT.

that being said, it is nice because this house has a loooot of storage space and therefore my room will be decidedly less crowded. this makes veevee happy.

ohhhhhhhhh so friday night becky and ryan wanted to go see a show (cause becky has not gone to see one in like, three years), so i offered to babysit emme for the night. i conned lenny into “helping” although at some points he was more hurtful than helpful.

the whole thing was slightly hellish. initially it was okay since all we did was watch tv and eat some fruit snacks, but the pre-bed ritual was pretty painful. pretty painful indeed. anyway, it took becky like an hour to decide whether she wanted to go or not because she’s a mommy and had to work the next day, wanted to make sure emme went to sleep, etc… but after much convincing by ryan, emme, and i, she finally decided to go. she did miss the band she actually wanted to see, though, which was metrostation… so lol. ryan wanted badly to see saves the day and ended up only seeing 1/3 of their set since they were the last act to go on.

[oh yes speaking of, the previous night i had dropped ryan off at the car dealership and then stopped by his new apt on the way back home… when i came out of his apartment — i had been there for like five minutes — some lady’s car was steaming and busted in in the front end, and i heard her like hyperventilating really loud. i thought she was like dying! i started walking towards her car, and then the other guy involved in the accident — who was parked on the other side of the street, and was standing outside his dented up car — saw me walking towards her and asked me, “is she stuck or something?” and i’m like, “yeah,” and he reached in the window and pulled her out. her airbag had gone out. people were already calling the cops — at least two — so i left. but yeah, the lady got out and some old guy was trying to console her, and she was freaking out and crying and hyperventilating but eventually calmed down… oh yes so exciting. but really, had i not gone up to see ryan’s apartment, i may just have been involved in that shit!]

BABYSITTING REGIMEN, AS IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN:
08:00pm - watch dvd of handy manny
08:30pm - snack
09:00pm - brush teeth, wash face, put on pajamas
09:30pm - pick out stuffed animal, read her book, go to bed
(something like that… i don’t remember exactly!)

BABYSITTING REGIMEN, AS IT WAS:
08:00pm - watch dvd of handy manny (kid cartoon with random insertions of spanish)
08:40pm - snack
09:00pm - emme decides she wants to draw, not brush teeth and wash face
09:15pm - lenny finally gets her to brush teeth
09:30pm - read her book about bees
09:45pm - emme decides she wants to sleep with a BALLOON instead of a stuffed animal
09:50pm - balloon keeps flying to the ceiling, and as a result, she will not sleep
09:55pm - lenny tries reading her another book to get her to sleep… /fail
10:05pm - emme says that she is hungry and if i feed her, she promises to go to sleep
10:10pm - emme finishes eating cheezits, and i try and get her to sleep
10:15pm - she doesn’t keep her promise, of course…
10:30pm - i agree to lie in bed with emme to help her sleep
10:45pm - i nearly fall asleep but she keeps talking to her dolls and telling me “good night”
10:50pm - i give up and get out of the room
10:55pm - emme screams my name for like, 5 minutes: “VIVIAN! VIVIAN! VIVIAAAAAAAN!”
11:00pm - i finally agree to lie in bed with her for a little more until she goes to bed
11:30pm - i doze off and when i wake up, she is FINALLY asleep, so i sneak the fuck out

my first babysitting experience in like, five years? and it was aoijdosadihafoaasdfapfoiajhgs! that being said, living in this apartment has been interesting, as i have gotten to witness the interesting family dynamic of becky, ryan, and emme. quite interesting indeed.

so i’m not exactly supposed to be staying at my current apartment, i guess, because becky’s lease only lets me stay for two weeks and it’s been longer than that. and so, today (since i work from home on mondays), i’ve had to hide out from the landlord. it’s kinda scary, because i picture that they’ll be busting in my door via key entry and being like, “WASSAP.” earlier today, someone knocked on the door but i’m not sure if it was them or the mailman. i went to the kitchen to throw out a string cheez wrapper about five minutes ago and saw the landlord man and was like, “fuck, shit (only in my head, though)!” the guy was looking at another apartment, luckily, and had his peripheral vision been slightly more keen he would have seen me. good thing he is old and apparently lacking in the periperal vision department :0 i ninja-ducked my way back from the trash can to the living room. LOL.

oh yes this saturday was an interesting one, if not quite unconventional. here goeth.

first off, there was some sort of indian?? hindi?? what?? holiday going on where people were rubbing this pink powder and paint into each other’s hair and shit. they were covered with the stuff. i have NO idea what it was. someone help me out. i tried looking it up but found nothing!

then it was onto the reel girls studio for some good ol’ movie shooting! :0 :0 :0 i was just an extra. i guess?? nick’s sister is directing it?? so really, i just played a chess-playing buddy in a rehab center. nothing special. i got to show off my fob jammies that say, “hello! nice to meet you,” on them, though. i also managed to get schooled in chess once. so that’s how it goes. i also learned that when your pawn makes it to the end of the board you can GET ANY PIECE YOU WANT. i always thought you had to pick up a piece that had already been eaten. guess not. :[

nighttime was easter egg dyeing time with becky, emme, and emme’s friend, taylor. oh yes. any get together with children = many many many fun quotes. here goes. (by the way, no kids for me for a long time. a long, long, long time. so long it might be as in… never.)

oh yes. i don’t recall dyeing easter eggs much in my life but i know i have done it before, simply because i remember the vinegar and the smell. i don’t, however, recall the actual act of doing it, so this was all new kind of. if i’ve ever dyed easter eggs before, i definitely have never like, decorated them afterwards. silly white people and their holiday rituals. jaykay. but not really hahahsdaosdi but really i’m just jealous because asian kids miss out on these corporate money-making holidays, oh yes.

anyways, in the above pictures, emme made a giant mess. she practically dropped the eggs into each of those cups instead of dipping them. lol.

here is my egg, before face. ahh preeeeeeety.

con faceo.

and now for kiddie quotes!!!! OH YES THE BEST PART IS KIDDIE QUOTES. i do believe that is the thing i will miss most about moving out of my current apartment into a new house… THE KIDDIE QUOTES :[ these are quotes from emme, a four year old girl, and taylor, a three year old girl.

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i’m listening to… fischerspooner, led zeppelin, the decemberists, wongmo, tangerine dream.
i’m feeling… alright.

1:58 am - throw me on the backburner cause it’s easier for you that way! yay!

well said, mr. brandon boyd (in his book, fluffy white clouds, yay, lenny bought it for me) — and this here is why i idolized him as a writer. cause he… understands? i’m sure plenty of people have these thoughts and plenty of people write them down… but the main difference here is that he vocalizes them… because he can? what drew me to incubus in the first place wasn’t even their music. sure, it was great. it was good. but what drew me in were the lyrics, and how honest and open they were. stating personal flaws and struggles on a new level, rather than a, “oh no, some girl broke my heart” level every time.

i think in our society, people write as a form of therapy, sure, but it’s always hidden away in some diary or locked away in some chest. writing is therapeutic. i definitely think so. but people are so afraid to write beyond the obvious. not everyone, mind you… but most people are afraid of saying things like, i’m lonely, or i hate that i am so judgmental, or blahblahblah. mostly it is limited to simple things, like, boys are such dickheads, or this is what i read today, and it reminds me of how i am feeling, hoorah. it’s refreshing when people write down what they’re really feeling, what their shortcomings are, what their insecurities are… because it’s so rare.

that being said, however, i think xanga and internet mediums such as that have led to people popularizing their diaries and writing them in a forum where everyone can read. this leads some people to concluding, “shit, kids are so emo nowadays… they’re fucking pussy… all they write about is how bad things are,” etc. i’ve heard it. but i don’t think that’s it. i just think that the internet has given people a chance to say things that they were scared to say. sure, people like attention, but i think the fact that people are reading and the fact that other people post things about their lives just makes people braver. granted, these things are still highly limited to the things i mentioned earlier, and still… very few are reflections of the true self.

and the communication only improves on the digital front, really… i think most people are still too afraid to say any of those things in person — even the watered-down internet half-assed versions — which sucks. the digital age has stifled our abilities to communicate like real people. the phone is becoming a foreigner. real people aren’t even necessary for some to feel sane. it’s not right.

anyway, as mentioned previously… most people tend to write when their moods are at extremes. and perhaps when you are happy, you’re busy, or something else is occupying your mind. happy posts don’t have as much of an impact as sad posts do anyways. happy posts are like… okay… rather than sad posts, which are like… OMG… hence they are more well-remembered and more paid attention to, since most people find the need to say something when someone else is sad, rather than when someone else is happy. it’s like waiting in traffic… you only notice that your lane is going slower when it’s going slower, not when it’s going faster. people love to focus on the negative.

not to say that i am any different. my best work stems from being negative. it is negativity that gives me the ability to create — be it in a written or visual way. it’s pathetic… but that’s the way it is, and that’s the way it always has been. from the first poem i wrote in 6th grade or something, sitting in the computer room crying and thinking about dying and why i was lonely and shit… i admit it, i have been motherfucking emo from day one. and i don’t really care. that’s just the way it is and always will be.

i don’t know where this rant came from. and i’m not really sure that it really went anywhere, but oh well!

on another note… i’ve realized to me that when i find someone with potential, and the potential it not being used, it… bothers me. it bothers me because it seems like so many people could be so much more, but they’re just not trying. they just don’t care and are content to be content. and that, i have found, is evil. now the problem lies here: … at what point should i start caring? is it any of my business that these people are squandering their time?… why does it bother me so much? if they are content in the here and now, should that be enough? i don’t know. i think through the years i have had enough people say, “hey, this thing you did changed my life,” or “hey, this thing you did made me think twice about blah,” where i somehow get the idea that maybe all some people really do need is a push here or there… but not everyone wants that, and is it in my right to even try?

i think i have tmj. lockjaw. but i’m not sure. i probably should get it checked out, but when?

ambient music is… awesome.

i’ve been listening to the radio a lot just because i happened to take my cd’s out of my car. meh. it’s whatevers for the most part. really late at night, though, it’s sometimes cool to see the random shit that comes up… i especially like when they play older stuff that you like that you usually would never hear on the radio. it’s like… refreshing. i really like the… whatever, rockabilly, dancehall, swing type stuff… i don’t even know what it is really, but i like the fat bass licks and the voices… and it’s just good. the “stray cat strut” by the stray cats or whatever came on the other night, and i have to say, it was the only time in a long time that the radio has sounded so good.

adam brought over “guitar hero” today and played some of that. it is actually rather fun, but i think i may just get sick of it sometime.

had a meeting with a bunch of randomz yesterday to talk about advertising. so far, there are about… seven people on the advertising ‘team’. seriously, if ads aren’t sold this time, i just don’t know wtf. there is sooo much shit to do. i don’t know what i’m doing. i think all of my health problems are caused by stress. how to fix?

i might take a job @ little nickel… if i get it. it’s not a lot of money… $12.50, which is better than my current job, @ $12… but it’s full benefits for 34 hours/week, and benefits are really what i want. the shift is from 5PM to 5AM monday thru wednesday. graveyard. X: hopefully, the job could go somewhere else, cause i happen to know the chick who is doing the interviewing and shit (although someone else will be doing my interview), and she started out working the job i’m hoping to take, and she now runs a lot of shit there… and she has a literary publication that she prints there for COST. so… hopefully it works out. 12 hours a day is a lot, but i like that it’s only on three days. so, we’ll see how it goes. hopefully i don’t die or something… from stress and lack of sleep, that is. SHIT MAN. I HAVE SO MUCH FUCKING WORK TO DO THIS FUCKING WEEKEND, MOTHERFUCKER. X: this past week all i have been doing really is working… working and playing games. wait, that’s just like usual…?

i’m so tired of the poor communication lenny and i have. it’s not right. and it’s not at all calming. it puts me on edge, if anything. like a one-person, three-ring, circus sideshow [tool - aenima] — that’s what i am. it all goes back to being too comfortable… comfortable to the point where you don’t care to try. i don’t think i’m there, though. if anything i have gotten the point of discomfort. but he might be.

i need to read up on taoism or something. just fucking… go back to my ways of not fucking giving a fuck. taoism, where everything just is, and essentially, none of your fucking business. what matters is only in your immediate realm of self. i like that. maybe believing that will help the stress will go away. maybe learning to breathe will help the stress go away (i find that often times, i forget to breathe).

maybe i should just become a pothead. jokes, of course.

for 27 years, i’ve been trying to believe and confide in
different people i’ve found.
some of them got closer than others -
some wouldn’t even bother
and then you came around.
i didn’t really know what to call you;
you didn’t know me at all,
but i was happy to explain.
i never really knew how to move you,
so i tried to intrude through
the little holes in your veins.
and then i saw you…
but that’s not an invitation;
that’s all i get.
if this is communication,
i disconnect.
THE CARDIGANS - COMMUNICATION.

i’m listening to… discovery channel and some thing on area 51.
i’m feeling… okie.

12:32 am — this thing on area 51 is showing their satellite photos over the course of years… and how it has expanded and been remodeled over time. so clearly something is there?!

lalala. i was going to say something, but i don’t remember

today is lenny and my 5…?-month anniversary? i thought today was the 9th. it is in fact the 8th. well, technically the 9th now since it’s 12:38 am, but whatever. didn’t really feel like anything special. lazy day — yes, yet another. felt quite blah. our times spent together towards the last… week have felt… uninspired.

i posted a link on this website with a video on the CIA’s remote viewing experiment, saying i thought it was real. this guy responded with a link to this website saying that, hey, this website talks about it, and penn and teller said it wasn’t real, so it’s bullshit. what makes me fucking livid is that i actually read this website, and i don’t really think that he did. there’s virtually nothing in this article that says remote viewing does NOT work. and that’s bullshit. what a fucking idiot… sending me a link to prove that i’m full of shit when in fact the article attaches truth to my claim. what a dipshit. that just makes me mad. that he is so out to prove someone wrong that he finds a link that has the results he thinks will be there (even when it doesn’t), doesn’t take the time to read it, and just posts it like an idiot.

anyway. last night before going to lenny’s house, i stopped by albertson’s to get some milk and mushrooms for making risotto. unfortunately, i didn’t know albertson’s was closed. these two little emo bitches who look like my chemical romance fans were being hella rude, saying, “it’s clooosed,” in this weird voice, but i didn’t hear them. so i was like, “oh it’s closed?” when they finally said it, and one of the guys was just hella laughing, saying, “i can’t believe…” blahblahblah. so either he was laughing at 1) me not hearing them a bunch of times, or 2) my clothes, since i was wearing these hideously awesome pajamas. either way, it made me mad, which is stupid, unfortunately, but i was already in not that great of a mood, and it didn’t really help. i just fucking hate it when people are jackasses. makes everything feel like shit to know that people are just that fucking bored and shitty. i’ve been mean plenty in my life, but that was a long time ago, and i have since learned to at least try and make an attempt at being more civil and respectable. douches.

tonight i went with alex and andy [crossett] to eat wings at romio’s. there was really no one there but us when we got there. in fact, it was really kind of eerie since no one was around. but nevertheless, we went in anyways. got 40 wings, although the guy thought it was 20. then he accidentally entered it into the computer as 10. so he brought us 10, then 10 more, and then 20 more. rofls. narb. but he tried to be nice, so it’s all good. anyways, at some point, this guy came in and i didn’t even notice him come in, but he approaches us with a dime and asks us to flip a coin for him because he wants to, “see something.” i would have done it, but i suck at flipping them, so we kinda waited around til andy decided to do it. the guy told him to call it in the air, and andy called heads. it was tails. the guy said, “well, that’s strange,” and said, “you guys have won this coin and your tab.” we were mostly just surprised. not everyday does someone do that. so i asked him, “why?” and he just said, “random.” that’s good enough of a reason for me, although it’s a strange one. so i don’t know why it is good enough ;D anyways he told us that it was an open tab and we could order whatever we want. we didn’t order anything else, though. at some point he left, and all of us were like, wtf, and the waiter was saying how he was drunk. i guess he has come in there a few times and bought people meals for no apparent reason. later, he came back with a bum, and fed him dinner. good shit.

alex and andy found it a little strange. they initially thought the guy was asking us to flip a coin so he could decide if he wanted to kill himself later or something. i don’t know. i never thought it was weird, and “random” was a good enough reason for me. it doesn’t really make sense to me. it’s sad, though, that someone could do a good deed and it makes people freaked out just cause it is a good deed. i’ll admit, he wasn’t the most clean-cut, unshady looking guy i’ve ever seen, but i’m sure he has good, if not great, intentions. i don’t find these inexplicable good deeds as things that should cause us to be freaked out. i don’t think that people don’t have a good reason behind it. if anything, it’s inspiring that people would go out on a limb and do something nice for no particular reason. like those people who pay for your toll when they’re the car in front of you. everything is really just nice, and i don’t think these people really have a conscience to clear (as andy suggested) or that they have an ulterior motive. is it really that weird to do something nice for no reason? maybe that’s what makes some people feel right. while the bum was ordering food, he was just sitting at the bar with some gOofy smile on his face. later, he went to sit with him. the smile made me think it just made him feel good. if only these things didn’t always make people so scared. how cynical is society? man.

sometime in this past week lenny and i went to this restaurant in wallingford — some mediteranean food place. it tasted alright. the guy was really nice though; he was the owner, cook, waiter… rofls. he said his help was late. too bad. we were the only ones in the restaurant. so many restaurants and shops… so few people. sometimes i wonder how these places stay open. it seems so hard. seems like yet another difficult dream to start up. :[ sad.

i’m watching this thing on the discovery channel now about the “bermuda triangle,” and this guy is not a believer in it, so he is dedicating his life to proving it wrong. seems so… pointless to me. but i guess it’s getting him on tv, so yeah. i’d much rather be proving it right, than to not know and say it is wrong right off the bat. but i guess i’m drawn to stupid shit like that that has no definite answer.

people in our apartment want to assign everyone dishes since some people aren’t doing theirs. that seems a little silly to me. i dunno, i’ve done sinkloads of other people’s dishes before… and people have done mine. and i don’t really see what the big deal is. maybe if someone had nasty dishes all the time and NEVER did them, but maybe that person just needs to be bitched at more. shrug. i’m willing to try the idea — why not — but i definitely, definitely do think that it’s silly.

i was having a weird headache for the past couple of days in the back of my head, but it’s mostly gone now. fantastic!

i borrowed “40 year old virgin” from jesse who borrowed it from blockbuster. excellent. oh yes, within recent times i watched “crash,” which was pretty excellent… well, some parts were anyway, and “the island” (did i already mention this?) “the island” is particularly weird because no one really watched it, but most people who have watched it (i heard people talking about it at this blockbuster too before) think it’s not so bad. so mind-boggling. and “king kong”? not sure if i mentioned that either, but some parts were excellent, and some parts were not. the movie as a whole was too long, though. not really my bag of chip movie. i want to see some movie that i saw on the tv yesterday, even though it has elijah wood. it’s called, um… “everything is illuminated” — looks visually pretty cool.

i’m listening to… the weakerthans, “a whole new world” rofls, theory of a deadman, tom cochrane, tom jones & the cardigans, trace adkins, van halen, minus the bear, kanye west, aerosmith, aaron lines, led zeppelin that some douche labeled as aerosmith those fuckers.

4:04 am - it’s 4:04 — why am i awake!!
i took an involuntary nap from 9 - 12. whenever i sleep early, i always wake up halfway through the night with the inability to fall back asleep. every time. i don’t know why i even try anymore. or maybe i don’t really try. i always used to do this too - take a nap at like 11 for an hour, get up at midnight, and then do what i do… it’s odd, and it only happens when i’m at home. don’t know why, really. i’m nocturnal. jea.

so call me a gullible tool, but i searched this site extensively and i’ve decided to buy a pair of the regular rings: http://www.alexchiu.com. i really think there are way too many testimonials to make it seem fake… but /shrug, maybe he’s not posting the REJECTS. i wouldn’t doubt it. he IS chinese after all A HA HA HA.

so i am officially hitched. k, not really. but i have a boyfriend now. ah ha ha ha. i would not have thunkit like this really. his name is lenny. most of you probably know of him at least. it took me a while to decide that i was ready to commit to anything… i’ve always had the mentality that maybe something else better will come along and since i haven’t dated much, who knows, right? that’s why i didn’t want a real relationship but after getting intimate with him or whatever, i’ve met people that i have been interested in, but i haven’t found anyone better.

one of them was awesome up until i found out he was a liar and a fake and he’s good at saying the right things only because he thinks them through too much. the other is cute as hell but just talks too much about things that are boring. anyway. i think it’s been long enough, i think, and it’s about time. even though he has pissed me off. a lot. but it’s alright. men are at their core douches, am i right? HAW HAW just kidding. sorta! but i’m sure i can whip him into shape. i know it!! HAW. anyways, looking back on the official dates of when problems were generally rare and feelings were generally happy, the official relationship begin date is at august 8th, when we went to portland with arlen and farm[ula/ing].

josh is on his way to kuwait i think. THAT FUCKER. he better fucking take care of his raunchy ass. he better fucking err. down krew’s #1 chump. no dizzle.

this past weekend we had a little shindig at our new place on 7th ave in apartment 409. it was mostly good, a lotta people, too many videogames, and cleared out a little too fast for my liking. i don’t dig the videogames at parties, but i have no authority.

that day before the party alex and i went 409 and pledge-wipe on the apartment and owned all of the disease-causing mold. HOORAHS FOR US.

i’m going to try writing in here again. when i have the time. wish i hadn’t stopped writing from august 16th to septembr 28th. i wonder what those days held. i’m obsessed with chrologizinizing (not a word) time. it’s strange. but i am obsessed with memories and thoughts. maybe i just like hearing myself talk too much. or maybe i just don’t want to forget more than i already do…

lenny’s helping me piece together the missing days. cause his memory is freakishly good for some things…

[08/20] at some point, zach came up from portland and stayed a few days. i must admit, it was a little weird. the guy doesn’t talk much. this would be mommy’s birthday, and phil and i were gonna buy flowers but agreed it’d be better if he just bought them and walked over there and delivered them to her. save money and it’d be more personal too. saw better than ezra on this day. they were decent, some weird show at some weird park in bellevue. mostly families. we were probably the only “teenagers” (although not really) there. MORE LATER. —>

[08/21] ate weed brownie’s @ jesse’s place. they didn’t work very well cause him and karam got their strainer taken away by roger who moved, and so the motherfuckers messed up. ;[ waste of $10. speaking of, jesse, that motherfucker, owes me money. whatever. very very lame high.

i’m thinking being a teacher would be cool. starting monday i’m volunteering with this lady at a public school downtown for being a helper for kindergarteners in literacy. wewtz0r. english for the win.

can’t wait to get back to seattle. oh yeah, i’ve been at home in cali for the last week or so. umm… i’ve been having some annoying eye problems and so my parentals wanted me to come home to relax. grandpa’s here too because him and mom are going to china. i never have anything to talk to him about really, unfortunately… sigh grandpa is so good!

my eye problems have been something like nystagmus. i don’t know, though, because only one nurse has said that and everyone else has been completely clueless and unhelpful. i’ve gone to four doctors and one emergency room visit. the first doctor was a primary care physician and didn’t know shit. he said my feeling of lying down and having a warm sensation come from my ear was probably due to earwax buildup. and flushed my ears. in a painful way with a stupid water hose device. and the shit didn’t help, as i could have told the motherfucker. and it cost me a hundred bucks, that douchebag. god i swear to god i hate doctors. i’ll killem all! no but seriously, if you have a problem, research the shit out of it first so that you can tell them you think it’s something because you know your symptoms better than you can ever describe. and doctors don’t listen to lengthy lists and they always form opinions way too quick. it’s no good. one of my doctors even said after seeing me once, “i have no idea. see another doctor.” this was after i got an mri which proved negative to tumors and sinusitis. and it’s going to burn a hole into our fucking pockets. fuck.

one thing though — nystagmus can be brought on by drug use, and i do think that’s what it was. after doing 2ci — which was fucking rad btw — i could make myself hallucinate. jesse’s done it, and he can do it too. all i can say is, i love the drugs, but i think i’m done. really. cept for maybe weed. but i don’t even really care for it, so that’s no prob. i also think perhaps it is attributed to when me and sherry and other ppl took a 30 minute boat ride back from an island in italy and we kept our face over the side of the boat the entire time. WHAT THE FUCK WERE WE THINKING? okay, i take it back. THAT was probably the winner. i think my tear ducts are fucked. and then there’s the unstoppable crying…

last time — probably about a week ago — lenny went with me to the emergency room because it felt like me eyes were gonna bulge out of my head or something. think i had a panic attack there. i was seeing weird shit, weird flashes, feeling all nervous and jittery… BLEH, weird. maybe i’m way stressed out and i just don’t know it… i DO know i’m tense all the time, so maybe i should start meditating. i swear i should but sometimes meditation makes me feel weird — maybe because i don’t know how to do it properly.

anyway, copy and pasted from xanga…
so alex has gotten into this thing within the past ohhh four months or something where if he feels sick, he buys an emer’gen’c and takes it. for those who don’t know, it’s a water-soluble mix of vitamins. put it in a bottle of water and you’ve got yourself a health-sickness-combatant. well, in the wake of my eye problems and hearing from my parents that perhaps it’s a vitamin deficiency, i’ve started taking emer’gen’c’s. and that, combined with centrum and what not, has helped my eyes immensely. maybe it’s just a coincidence. i don’t know. but i don’t care. it seems like it has been working now our whole apartment (well, 6 out of 7 people) take it. GOOD JOB ALEX. STARTING A REVOLUTION IN 409. alex and arlen have also devised a giant fda cover-up conspiracy theory. vitamins are not fda approved. none are. why? pharmaceutical companies comprise such a huge portion of the u.s. economy that without them — say, if vitamins really could cure every disease like somepeople believe — the economy would hurt even more. OH SORRY I GUESS ARLEN AND FARM DEVISED IT, NOT ARLEN AND ALEX! who knows. makes sense to me. it DEFINITELY is suspicious that the fda never have done tests on vitamins, though. it seems in the natural scheme of things, doesn’t it? been getting a lot of awesome chinese meals because people keep treating grandpa to them as a courtesy thing… so eating is good.

and i’ve been reading a lot — there’s way too much reading material around here. we got united mileage points that were allotted for free magazines, so i have like a fatty stack of them — all over the board, from blender to wired to seventeen. GOOD SHIT. i like it. and my brother always buys shitloads of books and tosses them, so i’ve been reading them. too bad they’re all similar types of books. after reading “the client” by john grisham — the 600 words in 2 days — i started another similar murder-mystery type thing and got bored in about two seconds. i need something a little different to sandwich between it. there’s the “left behind” series of biblical rapture stories, but that’s a no thanks on many levels. cause the shit scares me and cause … no thanks.

i swear to god dude. TRAPT is such a shitty damn godamn band. what the hell.

there’s freak night again this year. THE FUCKING LIARS. they said last year was the last one. LIARS. i wanna be a tetris piece this year. KEKEKKEE.

i also signed up for mfa… it’s a political awareness organization that you can volunteer for. i signed up with the hopes that if i help them out, i can get tickets to the sold-out death cab for cutie show. fingers crossed.

also got a $600 freelance webdesign offer for an freelance writer. wish i would have charged more, though, cause it seems like it might be more work than i initially thought…

i’m not in too much of a rush to find a real job. i’m such a bum. still working part time. i just am rich in the bank account though, so i don’t really feel a need to look too hard. but i should… i don’t know, from now until the end of the year the money should be rolling in pretty OK. definitely enough for survival. i still am owed $50 by chris, $100 by eric, $100 more from a website revamp i did, a $1,000 mini-magazine/catalog design thing on nutrition, the $600 webdesign thing, my part time anti-tobacco job should bring in about $300 a month… i’ve $2,000 from working for a week and a half @ a job tim got me coding css for some design interactive firm. those motherfuckers. didn’t even let me go with a goodbye rofl. but luckily for me, i have a book of one of the co-workers jim (okay, he was cool, so i should give it back) and an illustrator and indesign book. not like they’re going to use em… :0 anyway, BASICALLY I THINK I CAN LIVE WITHOUT SELLING OUT TO THE MAN JUST YET. i’m just banking on the magazine doing a lot better, really fast, because the last issue got so fast so quickly that i think it’s possible again… but it needs time, and i need the time, and TIME. AND TIME.

“HELP MEH! HELP MEH PLEASE!”
i think i’m satisfied. i THINK i know what i’m doing “give me a high-five!!!” god, the wayans bros. was fucking GENIUS. corny, in retrospect, but still, genius!! GENEEIUAASS.

i do know, that for as long as i’m feeling good, though, i’m going to explore. and live as it should be lived… andy [crossett] is bored of being holed up in our apartment because people don’t care about going out that much. i agree. it’s time to learn and live and explore and find something to do. it’s always better with a buddy. so we’re going to stop cooping ourselves up in our apartment and start harrassing bitches.

i’m listening to… brand new, alison krauss, martina mcbride.

i’m sitting in my room listening to country music and wallowing! it’s what i do best. there’s a comfort in not being comfortable. i can see how people can fall into depression in a way… although i don’t see how they can stand to allow themselves go through more than one day of this hell. it’s the longest day ever.

i haven’t written in this thing in more than a month. things have happened, but i’ve mostly kept it to myself in my own journal. everything is new. moved into a new apartment with farm, arlen, andy [crossett], andy [miscellaneous last name i do not know], and alex. got a contract job at engine interactive for $25 an hour for a couple of weeks and got $2,000, but that’s over now.

so now i’m basically just lazying around, wondering why i’m still here.

i feel so worthless and so malleable. so reliant on the ebbs and flows of other people. this is not the way it should be.

negativity blows, and i’m sick of being a bag of bricks bringing down the world, but sometimes there’s just nothing else on your mind… you know? not everyone knows i’m sure, but i’ve always been this way, unfortunately. i wish i could be a healing force — something that brings positivity to everything. but instead i think i’m unworthy, and i don’t think i should be allowed to bring down everyone. and i’m sorry.

i just watched “the hours” because a review on imdb said that it was “hopeful”… and i needed some hope. unfortunately, it wasn’t hopeful. it was about suicide mostly, and it could have had a hopeful resolution i guess - but the whole movie isn’t happy - and i wasn’t thinking that it would be… but it wasn’t happy at all. there wasn’t an ounce of hope. not an ounce.

everyone else has school and or work. i’m only working part-time and very little right now. it’s fucking boring. i’ve no motivation to do anything - although i have been doing redefine stuff… but that’s really about all, and it’s taking a lot longer than i’d intended simply because i can’t buckle down and do it enough. it’s so lonely here. i haven’t done a thing today cause i’ve no motivation. i’ve tried creating something - but all of my ideas are just recycled trash. i can’t even impress myself. there’s nothing original in my mind anymore. it’s creative stagnation. it’s garbage. these are the same old words written by someone else somewhere, sometime. it’s even worse with any kind of art. at least with writing i can appease myself. with art, i can’t even do that. graphic designer? i’m ready to scoff at myself. maybe there’s a reason i can’t find a job and shit.

being emotional sucks. i’ve always been kind of emotional, but not to the point of crying and breaking down sense. but i’ve been doing that relatively a lot. the other day i spent like an hour crying uncontrollably and the worst part is i don’t even know why i was.

when i think about it, i’m actually kind of considering going back to california (oh yeah, i did that last week too). i was opposed to the idea before, but i’m thinking now that i don’t have much left for me here. i don’t know, maybe i do, but it doesn’t feel like it. it’s so weak to want to go somewhere else to get rid of all the feelings, just because you don’t want to try anymore… but i dunno. i’ve no one to blame anything on except for myself. everything is the product of my pessimistic mind.

i’m racking my mind for things that are left for me here and not much comes up. i can probably only even count a handful of ‘friends,’ most of which are my current roommates, which kind of nullifies everything since that doesn’t equal going out or socializing more than television watching or shopping.

yeah, i should be looking for inspiration, but there’s nothing much left to inspire me. i’ve been trying. i’ve been reading a lot because that seems to be the most productive thing to do when you want to do nothing. i’ve been reading about politics… novels… whatever… and i’ve been doing a lot of writing because that’s the only thing that keeps me sane (esp thanks to my new typewriter!) — but asides from all that, there’s nothing new and refreshing, and nothing uplifting comes out of writing anyway.

i tried reading an adobe indesign book today and i found that i just don’t really care about getting better. it’d be nice to just fall off somewhere and forget about it all — to just live in the wilderness or something and HOPE that there’s something greater out there for even the worst of us, and that things really do work out for the best. but that’s why people believe in religion, right? and unfortunately, i don’t believe in religion. i think for this time in my life i am relying too much on having someone else save me. and herein is where the problem lies. i’ve always been self-subservient and haven’t looked to people for help too often, but i’m beginning to find the flaw of not being able to buckle and bend, and not knowing what it’s like to rely on someone for anything. people always let you down, it’s true - and i guess living an entire life knowing how much you can give and take instead of suddenly realizing it would be a lot easier.

girls always think too much about other people’s intentions, and i think i do too much of that just because there’s so much free time to allow that kind of thinking. i don’t want to be a drag, but i just want to feel wanted.

if it makes you less sad,
i will die by your hand.
i hope you wfind out what you want;
i already know what i am.
i’ll grow old –
start acting my age.
it’ll be a brand new day
in a life that you hate…
a crown of gold,
a heart that’s harder than stone.
and it hurts a whole lot,
but it’s missed when it’s gone.
call me a safe bet;
i’m betting i’m not.
glad that you can forgive –
only hoping that as time goes,
you can forget.
if it makes you less sad,
i’ll move out of the states.
you can keep to yourself…
i’ll keep out of your way.
and if it makes you less sad,
i’ll take your pictures all down.
every picture you paint;
i will paint myself out.
it’s cold as a tomb,
and it’s dark in your room
when i sneak to your bed
and pour salt on your wounds…
so call it quits,
or get a grip;
you said you wanted a solution…
you just wanted to be missed.
call me a safe bet;
i’m betting i’m not.
glad that you can forgive;
only hoping that as time goes,
you can forget.
you are the smell before rain…
you are the blood in my veins.
BRAND NEW - THE BOY WHO BLOCKED HIS OWN SHOT.

i’m listening to… “sister savior” by the rapture, “cute without the e” by taking back sunday (ie: one of their few good songs worth listening to), “ruthless” by something corporate, “ocean avenue” by yellowcard, “that great love sound” by the raveonettes, “the new year” by death cab for cutie, “breaking the habit” by linkin park, “trying to find a balance” by atmosphere, “taylor” by jack johnson, “meant to live (live)” by switchfoot, “anthem of our dying day” by story of the year, “careful” by guster, “learn chinese” by jin, “back in the mud” by bubba sparxx, “silence is easy” by starsailor, “drain the blood” by the distillers”, “echoes” by trapt, “marathon” by dilated peoples, “overture” by katy rose, “followed the waves” by melissa auf der maur, “cold hard bitch” by jet… much more, but i’m getting too lazy to keep going back listing album names.
i’m feeling… kkk.

1:56 am — damn i haven’t written in a lot longer than i thought. holy crap. where to start?

lot of crap has been happening, although i guess nothing interest enough to document or something? wtf? surprising that i have been writing in my real journal more than my online journal hah. but that’s more about feelings than about actual events… so as of now, actual events will be lost in the fog. :/

since the last entry… (thank god i post on my xanga a lot, so that i kind of know what’s going on. so we’re going far back, thanks to xanga…)… this is going to be a huge entry, but whatever. it’s just for me anyways.

[tues, 05/23] - i want to go to burning man. travis built a huge haunted house or something for it last year… that’s rad. there’s also this thing called the phoenix festival in portland too, i guess, which is just this giant rave. wouldn’t mind going to that either. ow! burning man has such fucking rad artwork though :[ today i saw rachel from art126 while i was at solstice meeting up to interview rick from full and one of the silly internship girls (see next day’s summary). that was cool. caught up, talking about her architecture classes, my magazine, some other crap. we were supposed to go to the henry art gallery, but i haven’t gotten around to e-mailing her yet oops!!!! should do that tomorrow. so busy. then i went to terry cafe with arlen (he bought me food cause he owed me a meal!) to watch jesse’s band play with some other fools (didn’t stick around for the other fools). they were pretty rad. jesse is pretty good at writing songs - gave him some other feedback about how they should ditch one of their songs which kind of sounds like reggie and the full effect. their music is good, but may be hard to market, but who knows - i think it’s good enough and original enough. me and jennifer [yee] are going to help them book shows once they finish getting everything recorded. they only have one song solidly recorded right now, so that’s kind of weak sauce. you can check out their music at http://www.myspace.com/theauralsect. i hate pronouncing their name cause everyone always thinks it’s the oral sect or the oral sex, or whatever, i don’t know yo.

[wed, 05/24] - interviewed a bunch of people for redefine… potential interns. lots of interesting people, lots of dumb people. lots of girls (probably like 3) who answered “i don’t know” to a lot of things. god, it’s probably something i would do, but i never realized until now how horrendously stupid it sounds saying, “i don’t know” to questions that people who are interviewing you are trying to ask you. but blahblah, i’ve never really had an interview, so h00 knows. jake and anthony (well mostly jake, cause anthony didn’t really ask questions!!!) helped me out for a couple of interviews, and one of the girls was the “i don’t know” type, but the other guy was pretty cool… so he’s in. and so are two others… more about that later. AAAH SO MUCH TO DO /suicide. we picked up chelsea… and somehow we ended up at roldan’s house, where a lot of people were in a hot tub and some people were swimming, and death. it was boring. chelsea and anthony had laptops. i was just bored. jake swam a little i think, but i think it was still boring for everyone because there was no food. after that, we jet and went to eat at applebee’s (just the four of us - everyone else was going to “do work” while drinking and who knows). it was fun times. really fun conversation. REALLY FUCKING DISGUSTING FOOD, WITH CHICKEN THAT TASTED LIKE RUBBER. APPLEBEE’S, NEVER AGAIN! i don’t even remember what we talked about. some about how absurd fox news is, and how they talk about the most bullshit news that is entertaining, but seriously WTF. there was a burning bus on TV that was burning out of a window. and then some more talk of burning. and there was talk of fainting goat farms that they have in tennessee. i guess if you run at some goats, they lock up and fall over, seize, and kind of stiffen up like they’re dead. funny, but strange. http://www.redefinemag.com/faintinggoats.wmv.

[thurs, 05/26] - hmmm don’t know what happened in the daytime, but it was pretty busy if i remember correctly. maybe just work. probably. at night, watched “n. korea, a day in the life” and “seoul train” (two shorts put together for the international film festival) with andy [crossett], jenn [villaruz], cynthia, lenny, and posa. i think that’s everyone. it was quite interesting. “a day in the life” was about n. koreans who were faithful to the party, and it was fucking trippy, cause it was so much legitly like 1982 by george orwell. good thing i just finished reading that book. like, people seriously listened to communist party “praise songs” while doing their morning exercises to a leader. it was absurd. they were talking about how much food they had, etc. etc. SO FUCKING FASCINATING. after that, seoul train” played, and that was in sharp contrast… that was about people who were starving outside of the cities - people who didn’t really care for the party… a lot about how they try to escape into china and are often sent back (and killed if they are to be sent back). talk of the underground railroad network of chinese people who help koreans escape into mongolia so that they can go to s. korea and be free. fucking crazy. so crazy. speaking of crazy, the news has been crazy, or was crazy for a day, and there was two things that was funky to me: 1) a guy entered the united states from canada even though he had bloody chainsaws and stuff in his car. they took away his weapons but let him go in, but he proceeded to kill people in his hometown. yay. 2) some guy was trapped in the wheel of an airplane as he stowed away to the united states from south africa. wheels crushed his legs, and his leg and part of his spine ended up falling on some lady’s house in new york. her comment: “i’m just thankful that i live in the united states and that i don’t need to run away from whatever this man was running away from.” you… lady, are awesome. ANYWAY after we went to the movie, i went home, and went to the last supper club with eric [prince], jayson, anthony, and chelsea. nitsuj wasn’t there, that FUCKER. didn’t see zacharia either. the drum n’ bass was so-so. blahblah. at least got a lot of dancing in. richard humpty vission was there in the top floor, the house floor. he was actually pretty rad, because he’s a good dj and he plays funky house. so that was cool. i’m a sober sister ^__^ anyway, that was fun wewt wewt.

[fri, 05/27] - thought i wanted a break for some things, but who knows, guess i didn’t really know what i wanted, as usual? anyway, today, we went to jillian’s… mike, alex, cynthia, jenn [villaruz], who else? random people that came later. jillian’s is fucking expensive. somehow pool ended up being like $23198423 (aka $35), which i swear was bullshit. got jacked bitch. after that, lenny, sebastian, some other fools - showed up, and we went to wallingford to go to this place called MAY. every time i passed by there i wanted to go, so that’s cool, finally got to go. it was definitely WHATEVERS though. the drinks were apparently gross. it looks fucking sweet though. there was a creepy giant buddha statue towering on a ledge with its creepy giant eyes painted in. it looked like it was looking at you from every angle! anyway, they were playing music there, and there were turntables just sitting there and i swear the tracks were just playing themselves. the dj looked so bored. when we first came, the dj was standing outside smoking a cigarette, and no one was manning the turntables. when we actually sat down outside, the dj was just standing there staring off into space while the ONE TURNTABLE turned (the other one wasn’t even being used at the time), and i swear, after he left, the tracks mixed themselves! sebastian saw it too omg!

[sat, 05/28] - had to pick up jake somewhere in the middle of nowhere because he’s SCRUBALICIOUS, actually, it was cause his brother gabe’s car broke down or something. ha ha ha. i pity da foo. so we rented “the shining” - the new, made for tv version - because i thought, “hey, i should watch this.” it was between that and “mean girls” and some new stephen king movie. it’s bad news, because jake can’t make decisions worth shit, and nor can i. it was uhm… WHATEVERS. it was an alright movie. too long (3 discs, like 4 1/2 hours) and not scary enough. mostly a waste of time. mostly. towards the end, jake fell asleep, and he sleeps scary. sleeps so heavily. i think another time he was sleeping and the phone rang in his hand and he didn’t even notice :0 it was nuts. we were all like WTF MATE. but yeah, he woke up and was just staring at me not saying anything. it was scary. X:

[mon, 05/30] - so i’m really phlegmy - i think i’ve mentioned this before. i am a downright phlegmy monster (i don’t think downright is the right word). sick. i’ve been spitting out my phlegm loogies into a cup all morning… pretty much i think i’m going to continue doing that and see if i can fill up the whole glass… and then i’ll pay someone $5 to drink it. takers, anyone!? unfortunately, it’s the clear kind… i’m kind of disappointed because the best ones have some color =( i was talking to jake on the phone, and he said happened to run into a girl, and turns out he saw her the week before that and she had scars and stuff, and he asked her what happened and she said she fell off a bike. then he saw her again this week, and she had a black eye and scratches all over her face and she “fell off her bike” again. yeah right dude, she totally got beat the shit out of. ABUSIVE BOYFRIEND DING DING DING.

[wed, 06/01] - watched “after innocence” with lenny and liz. we got there kind of late, so we had to run to the theatre. for seattle international film festival movies, they usually don’t let people in late, but we weren’t the only ones, so they managed to sneak us in. this movie was about people who are sent to jail and then evidence shows that they are actually innocent. it’s pretty fucking fucked up shit. people leave jail finally and they get like $3 and a bus pass. and it’s hard getting a job. and their kids are 15 years older. and some of them are crazy (especially this one cop, who was really really screwed up in the head afterwards!! you could tell, because every time he smiled, it didn’t last more than like 3 seconds). sad. and some of the prosecutors would fight to have the person stay in jail even though they were proven to be innocent. it’s harder than one might think entering new evidence exonerating the inmate. so many people have their cases sent, and there are only a few agencies that are trying to help these people, and so little that can actually be done given the technicalities, the formalities… etc. sad. i remember during one of my first uw sociology classes (intro to criminal justice - which is the best one i’ve taken, so if you have the chance to take it, please do), someone came in from one of these organizations who helped out innocent prisoners, and they spoke to us. everyone in the class was inspired. everyone was ready to do something. but how many people have actually got around to doing something? who knows, right? who knows. it’s sad, cause i’ve forgotten now why i wanted to do it in the first place. but it’ll come around. anyway, so i dropped liz off and drove back, and me and lenny met up with andy [crossett] and hojo to watch “tony takitani.” before we watched the movie, lenny and i went to subway, and there was the most pissed off worker. he works like 3pm to close everyday by himself or something. shit bro, that sucks. anyway, the movie was based off of a haruki murakami story, which is why i wanted to watch it in the first place. there was a short film preceeding it with the first chapter or so of “the wind-up bird chronicles”… such a beautiful book. the short film was some language none of us could determine, but i thought it was egyptian for some reason. is that even a language? LOL. anyway, it wasn’t how i would have imagined it. not at all… except for maybe the parts when he was at home. but definitely not when he went to see may or search for the cat. anyway. the other movie was about this guy’s life… and how tragic it was, and how his wife died and made this girl come in to do work in his house wearing his wife’s clothing. i don’t know. very very minimalistic direction. lots of use of negative space and the color white. very very slow, but fantastic nonetheless. i love movies that are slow, but are so interesting and captivating that they are still entertaining (ie: “the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind”). anyway, it was a good movie. word. and um, i like holding hands. i like holding hands a lot.

[thurs, 06/02] - a line from an infomercial alex and i watched: <b>”a lifetime of temporary pain relief.”</b> lmao. many more where those come from… but i don’t remember them now. i’ve sold like half my clothes that i never wear, but it’s weird… even so, i now feel like i never have anything to wear, even though i never really wore those things before anyways. gave brett [buchholtz] my old skateboard, cause i haven’t been using it anyways. hahahaha. he cut up his face. hardcore. and jake [mcninch] broke his arm. HAHA. newbs. ^__^ i passed jake and stretch this one day on the street and saw them haha and instead just zoomed off leaving them in the dust of my honda because i didn’t feel like reversing. huk. i hate my split-second decisions - they’re always the worst. got a haircut in fremont @ rudy’s with andy [crossett] today… not a fan of their haircuts, but hey, whatever, at least andy didn’t ditch me with the haircutting this time!!! he went crazy with buying records @ sonic boom - uh oh, i think we’ve got an addict!!!!!!!!!!

[fri, 06/03] - mse bbq during the daytime… went with arlen and cynthia. there was also another engineering bbq going on at the time. saw this weird building which they say is radioactive-ish. lol. some guy doing taichi in the middle of all of the engineering, with a band playing and people in line waiting for food ($5 for a hamburger and a hot dog, psh, and people were in line for like an hour and a half to get it), and he was doing taichi!! nuts!! the mse bbq was free at least, though, so we ate and drank their beer (not i, but other people). neato speedo. la la la. left early, and went to a fall of troy concert with lenny, jesse, and reid. it was not nearly as good as their last show, and there was this other band that was fucking nuts… in a weird way. not my kind of music, but definitely entertaining. it was the weirdest combination of bands - i don’t even know where to start really. but it was entertaining cause everyone was so different, and the venue was at the paradox in ballard which i’ve wanted to go to for a while now… it’s this all black church that looks really… hip. yeah. fall of troy’s bassist tim is uehm… whatevers. but the drummer andrew’s brother is trading us a magazine advertisement for 1,500 buttons, so that’s cool. 1,500 is a bit of a lot, but hey, whatever. and um… scene kids are so fucking cute. i guess when you invest so much money into eyeliner, hair dye, and hoodies (this would be boys and girls) you have to look somewhat decent? >__< damn, if only i were five years younger… none of those sceney-looking boys our age… which is a blessing as well as a curse. but for me it’s mostly a curse, cause i <3 teh boys of that nature… look-wise anyway… personality-wise, there’s something definitely wrong with spending so much time and effort and energy into looking such a way. but still T__T afterwards went back to the mse bbq and there was talk of going to fremont for barring, but ended up going to jake’s instead with alex and joe. as usual, ate pizza, and jake passed out all funky like, and then we all went home in a tired state. lol. ate food up on the roof, and alex and jake are disgusting. they ended up eating the packaged parmesean by dumping it straight into their mouth, and with some of those peppers too… and every piece of cheese that was stuck to the wax paper was owned. and this nasty ass sweet carrot cake was devoured along with cheez-its. *GAG*

[sat, 06/04] - went to see jesse’s show @ ian’s domain (lol) with mike and jennifer yee. it was alright, but not as good as last time. the band after them had some songs which were cool, but they were way too long. i wrote them on myspace telling them what i thought - that their songs were good but should be half the length (mike, jenn, and jesse all agreed with this)… but they wrote back saying, blahblah, we are who we are, blahblah. shutup.

[sun, 06/05] - word of the day: “buzzkill” used in the context of: a) when someone is just so lame, and such a party pooper, that they are a “buzzkill”; b) when an event happens that is such a disaster or unexpected occurrence that everyone around them is disturbed by its having happened. ^__^ “buzzkill” was used today in the sense that we were just talking about some guy that is a buzzkill (no names here), and the other was… me, alex, and gareth went to jake and brian’s apartment. jake gave me this ring he found in a box of “free toys” outside his apartment, and it is this purple plastic ring that says, “#1 girl!” as part of the found-things gift-exchange, i gave him this flyer advertising the world’s naked bike ride. mine was not as good, but whatever!! later jake and brian got into a fight with some kind of misunderstanding, and it was in the living room that jake bitchslapped (or something) brian, so that was kind of an insta-buzzkill. so we left. also today, we found a bombass apartment for $2000. five and six bedrooms cost the same, so we decided to go with a six bedrooms. i now have too many male roommates. living with: arlen, farm, alex, andy, andy [the glasses chinese-looking one], and nate. andy, nate, and alex owe me money, the hoes. would have liked a four bedroom, really. six bedrooms is a ton, but at least it’s cheap ^__^ and it’s pretty nice - the top floor is remodeled. we were looking through the place last time HAHA and this one room has a “storage closet” and the landlady opened the door to show us, and i was like, “OMG IT SMELLS LIKE (trail off)…” cause it reeked of weed. didn’t want to get them in trouble, though. wouldn’t want to get a houseful of people with macguyver on DVD in trouble. no, no. as we were leaving the apartments, i made a wrong turn to get home, and so alex and lenny, who were in my car, happened to mention hunger, and so we went to red robin’s. the worker there was like the nicest dude. he even wrote a “thank you :)” on our receipts!!!! and he was like super friendly making weird conversation… what a nice guy T__T

[mon, 06/06] - uhhhhmmmm went to portland to visit trask and drop off magazines. planned on leaving really early, but didn’t end up getting there til around 3 PM? or something. HOLY SHIT BORINGEST DRIVE EVER. DO NOT DRIVE TO PORTLAND UNLESS YOU HAVE TO. it is straight freeway death, and through the boonies so that the scenery is hardly even entertaining. death, i tell you. went around to different places to drop off the mag… that was good fun, i guess. it was alright. seems so weird dropping shit off in a place that you know nothing about! traded guitars with trask - he gave me his 3/4 acoustic and i gave him my electric fender since i don’t use it anyways… la la la. met some of his homies. that was neat. went to this guy nick’s house and they smoked hookah. and i watched. and they drank. and i watched. and their house is scary. they had fun ghost stories! first off, when they moved into their house, there was this basement wall with a giant devil painted on it saying, “welcome to hell.” they also have an extra set of stairs in the basement going down to a brick wall. now for the interesting story: the dudes were having band practice in their basement one day when all of the power went out. four of them saw this big dark shadow behind the other guy (the only one who did not see it) so they all freaked out and left. the next day one of them went down there to clean or whatever and he saw this little dude in the corner with a hoodie and a knife, and thought it was his little brother, but when he went to go touch him, the dude jumped back into the shadows and disappeared. so the guy started screaming and ran upstairs to get this other guy, and i guess even though it was daytime, the room was pitch black. then light started just coming out from random places… there was a matress in the corner that started pulsating like there were rats in it or something. so the two of them put a hand down on it, and the matress was still pulsating, but not where their hands were. soon it moved to under their hands, and the two of them freaked out and ran away. they sat outside on their porch for like three hours freaking out, and the next day they put a boom box down there with christian music blasting, and they haven’t had problems since… (but it might be coincidental since they’ve been there for six months and have only had one incident). the part that actually interests me the most is the stairs that go to a cinder-block wall… they’ve been starting to break it down with a sledgehammer to see what’s behind it, although i don’t think anything is there… i did find this thing, though, and i found it pretty interesting. whether it is applicable or not, at least it’s an interesting story. there’s a cemetary in maltby, washington, with these supposed 13 steps which are hidden now below the ground. the story behind it is is that it is an entrance to the tomb of a wealthy local family, and kids nearby would get drunk and walk down the steps late at night. it is unsure whether there were doors or a dirt wall at the bottom of the steps, but once you reached the bottom and turned around, you supposedly saw a vision of hell and not the cemetary. supposedly it drove people to insanity, and people who were watching the person walk down the stairs would see them stop, turn, and wall to their knees dumbfounded! blahblah. 13 steps to hell wewt. BUT YEAH that house was creepy - i would NOT want to live there. their front lawn was this cool checkerboard pattern, though, so that was neat. lol. read some archie comics, went to sleep, and that was the most part of the portland trip!

[tues, 06/07] - drove back from portland, which as mentioned, IS TEH SUX. -__- i honestly don’t remember what i did the rest of the day. sucks. know lenny came over. i don’t remember what we did, though. oh wait, i probably do. we were supposed to have movie night, but instead did other things because alex was playing war3.

[wed, 06/08] - worked and… yeah. went to dinner with hsu-han, hsu-ken, and alex at the mongolian grill. mongolian grill for teh win. was bored and angry at night, and frustrated about the mag, so i played a lot of cs with arlen and alex and hsu-ken and miscellaneous folk at night time. and it was grand. nothing like cs to help distract you from a shitty mood…??

[thurs, 06/09] - worked and then met up with one of my writers, john [gillanders]. quite the interesting guy. so talkative. really into the paranormal stuff, so we talked for like two hours at this cafe in greenwood about just the most random crap. one of the most interesting things… i just had a two hour talk with one of my new staff writers, john. he’s really into metaphysical blahblah shit, and we started talking about aliens and he mentioned something called remote viewing. remote viewing kind of runs on the premise that every human mind and everything in the universe is connected. basically psychics can think of a topic at hand, and then they can project themselves to a place devoid of space and time. if someone harnesses the right psychic powers, they can find certain things because someone else knows about it. they don’t mention it in this article, but supposedly if one person attaches meaning to a certain number and attributes it to something, the psychic can know the number and know what the person is attributing it to. you can go anywhere, see anything, anytime… because it’s devoid of time and space… it just ‘exists’. http://skepdic.com/remotevw.html for more info. http://www.remote-viewing.com/outtakes/index.html too. the u.s. military even sponsors it a bit, with this thing called “stargate”… since this day, i’ve been finally reading this mysteries of the unknown book that i’ve had for like 80,000 years. word. bought it at a used bookstore who knows how long ago, and i’m finally reading it. yay. at night, went with cynthia, jenn, rory, (insert name i forgot) to the irish immigrant, but it was a stupid club night with a huge line and cover, so we went to finn mccool’s for karaoke. jenn was supposed to sing but did not. some friend of cynthia’s was there who had just turned 21. a little annoying, but i guess he’s alright. there was a japanese guy singing, and he was like, “his english is just so bad.” i’m like, “it is? why do you say that?” and he’s like, “i don’t know, he just looks too godamn japanese.” and then i’m like, “WHOA” and he was like, “well, i wouldn’t say he’s too damn chinese or anything.” weird. O__o lenny came later. we were outside finn’s for a while. contributed to the giant pyramid of cups, and the birthday boy’s topped off the stack as the winner. wewt. i dunno what else happened. yea.

[fri, 06/10] - lalala. worked. then went to pick up scrubilicious jake @ mueller, and we went to the harvard exit (which is supposedly haunted!) to watch “a wonderful night in split.” a croatian movie which told three seperate drug-related tragedies, all of which had minor connections to one another. COOLIO WAS IN IT!! WEWT. which made the movie 40,000x better, pretty much, as predicted. the movie was pretty frickin rad. it was black and white and i usually hate black and white movies, but i enjoyed this one. first story = drug deal gone sour, and guy kills this other dude, and then his girlfriend’s son kills him with a gun because he saw him slapping his mom during sex, and he made his mom cry because he was planning on leaving (until the drug deal went sour). as he is dying, he stumbles out into the street and dies, looking up and seeing something, saying, “they sent an angel for me.” … second story = druggie bitch (main connection to the first one was the drug dealer) who needed coke, so she asked the drug dealer. at first, he refused, but then there were some american dudes (coolio and friends) looking for a lay because coolio’s chick left him. so the drug dealer offerred the girl coke in exchange for prostitution. so she took it. lots of desperation. coolio decides he can take no more and kill him as she is mixing the heroin that he gave her before he decided to kill himself. she spills heroin and is pissed. old lady whose shack they borrowed screams out for help. that sucks. looks up to sky as she is screaming out the window and says, “wtf is that?” … third story = a guy does acid with his girlfriend. thinks he can fly. jumps off a building, but instead of dying, flies across the town. WTF. I AM CONFUSED. but the movie ends that way, and i’m just confused. … afterwards, we went back to my place, and mike had a bbq, so we went. lots of people. i think it was a going-away thing for his roommate. ex-roommate? lenny got hit on by a gay guy! he wrote down on a napkin… “hi, my name is shannon! (insert phone number) i really like you!” and when he gave it to lenard, he was like, “i’m flirting with you.” ?!!! wewt, more punky dudes hit on my boy toy (quite literally HA HA JK) than on me! good food, especially this freaking grilled spiced asparagus… toxic pee or not, it was FANTASTICCCCC. the whole time we were trying to fill up my shoe with grass… probably not a good idea, but whatever. they have the hugest ants at their house. didn’t see em this time, BUT IT’S REAL, OH YEAH. afterwards, some people went to jillian’s. i took jake to his professor’s house for their end of the year party, and that was alright - didn’t stay too long. went to jillian’s. shot some pool. saw my co-worker tim there - that was a little weird. then we sat outside for a long time deciding what to do. on the way home, they said they wanted to go to beth’s cafe (they being cynthia, mike, farm, and arlen). we went. i had heard such crazy things about beth’s cafe, about how freaking rad it was, but the food was sick. the environment was awesome, because the workers were really nice and funny and friendly and sang while working, and they give you crayons and paper (the whole place is filled with people’s drawings taped to the walls) - but other than that, the food sucks, and is expensive, and death. hmm also today, trask went to a cheesy top 100 music club 18+ club and the cages were empty so him and his friend nick danced in them, got pulled out, and went and danced in them again. got kicked out of the club (even though they got a refund) for dancing in a cage because guys are not allowed. wtf.

[sat, 06/11] - my boss is moving out of her apartment complex because they’re demolishing it to turn it into condos. this time around, she’s deciding to get rid of a bunch of crap, so i have acquired… a microwave, a coffee maker, awesome slippers, and other random crap like bathroom floor mats. wewt. i’m also getting a tv stand from jake (crappy as it may be), perhaps a couch from joe, and a futon from carolynn (although that’ll be $30 - still good). wewt. will be half furnished upon going into the new apartment!! hmm… apparently there’s an old lady who goes to lenny’s store like four times a week spending 300 - 1000 on scratch tickets every time. WTF. ONE OF THESE DAYS… the person who buys a scratch ticket right after she leaves will win. was gonna visit lenny but he was unenthuised, so i did work @ zoka instead. saw a chick wearing 80s fashion, with the spandex floodwater-length pants and bangle earrings and long t-shirts in heather grey… GOD KILL ME NOW. after work, lenny came over, and there was um, good, and then we went to eric and brian [pearl]’s… brian was frickin crazay… haha he was falling all over the place. qfc quest. he had a hot pocket which kept falling all over the place like on him, on the floor, on eric’s spare bed, etc. lol. me and eric stayed up for so long trying to beat “lion king.” FAIL. oh well. we got pretty far. and also made the mistake of not really saving… bad idea, bad.

[sun, 06/12] - went to play pool with mike and some of his friends, joe and i forgot the name of the other one, who was this oobar oobar formal military kid. he like bowed to me when i was saying bye to them, and he wasn’t trying to make fun of asians or anything… he just talks really weird too, like, “it’s a pleasure to meet you,” and stuff like that. but hey, more power to him. whatever. the other guy was just kind of drunk and kept making little comments that were kind of cocky, but i thought they were pretty funny. guys are funny. so easily impressed. i was playing pool really well that day, so they were like, “OMG YOU’RE AWESOME, YOU’RE SO GOOD AT POOL,” and then i mentioned counterstrike because this guy kept saying “own,” and then it was like, “YOU’RE SO RAD, YOU PLAY CS!! THAT’S HOT!” christy moved out. didn’t say goodbye! we weren’t home anyway, and didn’t talk that much, but still, shit’s weird when people just disappear out of your lives forever…!!! eva’s parents have been in town. wow, first time mentioning eva! weird! we haven’t really hung out as much since she’s gotten a boyfriend. tragik. guess i haven’t been hanging out with the roomies much at all. quite the shame…

[mon, 06/13] - went to eat lunch with anthony and jake @ jai thai in fremont. that place is GRUBBBB. why didn’t i know about it before?! today was jenn [villaruz]’s birthday… man, what a hectic day. where to even freaking start? X: ummm ommm… ummm… aaah… okay, carolynn is leaving to go to korea. me and lenny had to go get a futon from her. we went to go eat dinner @ gordon biersch with her, heeyoung, chris, jinie, and tony. it was neat. got fat. for too expensive of a price. la la la. afterwards we went to jenn’s birthday dinner @ spaghetti factory, and by the time we got there, everyone was done eating, which was awesome, because lenny and i got free ice cream and bread MAHAHAHHAHA WE CHEAT THE SYSTEM MAHAHAHA. then i went with lenny to get tickets from ryan [pangilinan] cause i guess some equal vision chick gave her tickets for the circa survive / dredg show that night. went home. by the time i got around to going to the show and convincing alex to go with me (he probably only said okay because he just got back from idaho and hadn’t seen me in like four days omg), only half of dredg’s set was on. should have called up ben [garrison] cause he was there doing the circa survive interview for me, and i guess he was talking to the guys during the end of dredg’s set! really shoulda called him up! could have met the circa dudes. oh well. the dredg show was alright. was only there for like 40 min of goodness. afterwards, went to belltown billiards to meet up with jenn, cyn, mike, and rory, and we probably stayed there until closing ish at 1:30. death. fun death, but still death. alex told of interesting stories. he stayed at a motel over the weekend which was composed of five double-wide brothels stapled (or whatever) together… melded into one giant motel of trailer homes. wewt. and then he found out that the trailers were salvaged from what had previously been a brothel. “no wonder the beds were so abnormally soft,” he said. “they shape to your body. the type of grinding that only a whore can do.” (this suggests that he knows the type of grinding that a whore can do.)

[tues, 06/14] - in the morning, lenny and i went to get futon from carolynn… and by morning i really mean afternoon but whatever. haha. had to take it apart (lenny did, anyway) and then carry it into the suv… that was fun, oh wait, it wasn’t. and i got a free bookcase and PANTS HANGERS OMG THEY’RE SO WEIRD. NEVER SEEN. uh went to alki beach with liz after work because lewis was having a bbq there. it was cool but fucking COLD dude. but lots of chips (doritos <3) for us to eat, and lots of food to jack from other fools!!! SO THAT WAS AWESOME. afterwards, went home, and i was trying desperately to go to the war room to see john b (not the r&b guy, the drum n’ bass guy, bitches), except no one would go with me. fuckers. motherfuckers!!! even though all these people said they were interested T__T should have reminded. oh well. so instead i went to all-american because it was meaghan’s birthday… bleh, club, bleh. actually drank a little. cranberry / vodka mix isn’t bad tasting, actually, but it did make me slightly itchy… and drunk (although not horribly) after one drink LOL. how was i ever convinced to go? never again, i hope. jake’s friend christina was there. she’s like in love with him! it’s so interesting hearing the story from her side and then from his side. i always love that… hear that kind of shit from a lot of different people, and it’s fantastic. this guy was hitting on her and he talked to her for a long ass time but someone else saved her, and then he came back to talk to her, asking her why she didn’t look like she was having fun. i just grabbed her and was like, “we’re just catching up on old times.” it was fun! brain-dead ungabunga! god, i love studying people. anyway, i broke ravi’s camera by accident cause i took it to take some pics, and when i was giving it back to him, who knows what happened =( then i had an O2 deadline to meet that night, so i slept really erratically off and on. yuk.

[wed, 06/15] - fucked up sleep schedule = lots of weird sleeping hours. went to lunch with alex and anthony at orange king. word. then went to the post office and left carrying like literally 20 to 30 packages with CDs, and i could barely hold them in my hands. blehr! work! and then at night, went to cynthia’s, cause i didn’t want to stay at home. did work there. played some “contra” and “mario 2″ (i fucking hate that game)… and yeah. WORD. at night i had to rescue liz and farm and arlen because they went to ray’s apartment and they had a 40s drinking contest, i guess, and he passed out. wtf, did they really expect him to drive them home after a 40s drinking contest?! HMM FLAWED THEORY.

[thurs, 06/16] - OMG SO CLOSE TO BEING DONE - TOO BAD TODAY WAS JUST SO AWESOME AND WILL TAKE A BIT OF ELABORATION. woke up and showered as alex, my non-romantic life partner, went to qfc to buy us ramen, with my money, because i am his sugar momma and he owes me so much food and so much money, and cooked us ramen. it was GLORIOUS. FREAKING NEOGURI, I LOVE YOU. must… go to… chinese… supermarket. went to work. then me, alex, cynthia, and lenny went questing at the arboreteum. it was frickin SWEET. lots of mosquitos, again, so that kind of sucked, but we found lots of cool leaves and bushes and plants and stuff. climbed a lot of trees. climbed the inside of this little man-made pagoda and sat on top of these thick ass wood logs for a while. found a lot of dead areas in between trees that just made like a canopy where people have gone to smoke and drink. we’re not the only ones who have found them! found a piece of wood that i’m going to whittle into a pool stick. how frickin SICK (awesome) would that be?!!!! i have the weirdest bug bite on my neg, it looks like a slug attached to my neck, and yeah. it’s long, not round. weird. also one on the inside of my leg. we built a teepee using all these different sticks. one was actually part of a tree still. it’s frickin awesome. we’re going to have to go back and patch it up, for sure. cause it is incomplete as of now. must add fabric or something to it. speaking of, there’s this one tree with leaves that are huge - bigger than like 1 1/2 of my heads, and it feels like sandpaper, and it is spiny all over. saw it at roldan’s house too. it freakin rocks!! i love plants with red chlorophyll or whatever. they look awesome. uhhm… yeah. and we found a pond and poked at the algae, and the consistency is so weird. it’s like mucus. i was poking at it with a branch, but lenny poked at it with a flower, and spun it up like spaghetti HAHA it was cool. ewww god, i probably have a spider burrowed into my neck or something. anyway, after that we just chilled, really. went back, and alex cooked us some stuffed trout that he got from idaho. it was pretty r0x. and then farm and arlen came over and there was a lot of watching of “wayans brothers” HA. WORD. and the end is here.

my memory is spotty. i think a lot of stuff is missing. if you know, help me out. I NEED TO GROW SOME FEMALE FRIENDS.

GUESS HOW LONG THIS TOOK ME? FOUR HOURS. GOOD GOD. IF ONLY I PUT SO MUCH WORK INTO WRITING A THESIS.

i’m listening to… nothing.
i’m feeling… …

12:08 am — i tire or writing these fucking things… but i’ll do it anyway…

went questing today with mike, cynthia, alex, and andy. it was fun. we went to the uw arboreteum. there was like this part that was a cut off end of a highway - started being made, but never was completed because the government changed their mind. now there are just some woods with stagnant pools of water and parks nearby. you can also jump off this piece of highway and into a disgusting pond below (where we row canoes from the UW WAC and stuff).

walked around. some things:
- decided that i want to turn this giant, unused piece of highway into a giant graffiti wall when i have the money. if i ever have the money, that is.
- the bridge ledges were fucking covered with bird shit that had crusted over so much that it looked like it was part of the concrete - but upon closer inspection, one could see that it was really bird shit. indeed.
- some guy had a tent pitched between the highway and the park, in this little patch of wood. awesome. i want to join.
- found this dead, rotting, plucked out, dry piece of fish (catfish?) that was black and withered and smelled foul. it was fantastic looking, though, and still attached to a fishing hook. yummy. later we found alex found these leftover pieces of bird wing, with the bones between both wings still there, so that it was just two wings hooked together by a little network of bones. we decided to combine dead fish with dead bird, and got a flying fish.
- found a lot of disgusting condoms all over the place. there was this piece of highway with little ridges underneath, and room for you to stand up sort of… like a little network of caves or something. anyway, lots of condoms. bottles of jungle juice. and umm purely disgusting. people must really like to go there to do it or something.
- lots of stagnant pools of water = lots of mosquitos. got crazy amounts of bug bites. hey’re in absurdly spaced areas. it’s like the left and right part of my body are symmetrical to each other. i have a big bite in the middle of my back, between my shoulder blades. then one on each shoulder blade. then one on the back of each arm. it’s absurd. but amusing.

we left early from the park, cause unfortunately, mike was hungry and disturbed by the bugs =( tragic.

we will have to return to the arboreteum.

afterwards, went to this dessert auction thing for farm with a bunc of other people. it was alright. the church was super cool - they have really awesome programs. i’m not for the church - in fact i’m against it - but i can support a church like that in some regard, simply because they seem like really nice people who are genuinely interested in what they are doing for the community. and that is a good thing. passion is a good thing in general. so it’s all good. lots of dessert too. but too much dessert makes sick people.

afterwards, went to brian [pearl] & eric’s apartment or whatever… people ask that question so freaking often, since i only drink about twice a month. they’re always like, “why do you hang out when you’re not drunk? aren’t you bored?” no… i don’t feel the need to be constantly inebriated. once upon a time, i thought doing drugs would make me cooler… more social or whatever… but i don’t need that shit now… i am plenty amused when there are other drunk people and i am the only sober one. and since there should be a dd, it’s cool… i can be it, cause i don’t really give a fuck. it’s a good thing to have, and i’m not missing anything. not that being drunk once in a while isn’t cool, but i don’t need it every weekend.

yeah.

afterwards, went to cynthia’s and there was beating of contra in 20 minutes with lewis and lots of drunknness. and happy times. and i don’t feel like writing anymore. so i’ll write about today now, so that i don’t have to think about yesterday.

there was a huge power outage in my whole apartment complex today. we’re talking eight buildings, with hundreds in each building, all out of electricity. hence, boredom. the first thing we do is eat at a fast food restaurant. and when that is an exhausted form of entertainment, we happened to gather together at someone else’s apartment. probably like twelve people there, playing poker by candlelight. but as SOON as the electricity comes on, not a minute later, everyone is out the door, running home. WHO NEEDS FRIENDS WHEN YOU HAVE THE INTERNET!? - and this is today, copy and pasted from my xanga, which half of this was, because i’m fucking lazy. so peace.