inside the wonderful world of vee

i’m listening to… brand new, alison krauss, martina mcbride.

i’m sitting in my room listening to country music and wallowing! it’s what i do best. there’s a comfort in not being comfortable. i can see how people can fall into depression in a way… although i don’t see how they can stand to allow themselves go through more than one day of this hell. it’s the longest day ever.

i haven’t written in this thing in more than a month. things have happened, but i’ve mostly kept it to myself in my own journal. everything is new. moved into a new apartment with farm, arlen, andy [crossett], andy [miscellaneous last name i do not know], and alex. got a contract job at engine interactive for $25 an hour for a couple of weeks and got $2,000, but that’s over now.

so now i’m basically just lazying around, wondering why i’m still here.

i feel so worthless and so malleable. so reliant on the ebbs and flows of other people. this is not the way it should be.

negativity blows, and i’m sick of being a bag of bricks bringing down the world, but sometimes there’s just nothing else on your mind… you know? not everyone knows i’m sure, but i’ve always been this way, unfortunately. i wish i could be a healing force — something that brings positivity to everything. but instead i think i’m unworthy, and i don’t think i should be allowed to bring down everyone. and i’m sorry.

i just watched “the hours” because a review on imdb said that it was “hopeful”… and i needed some hope. unfortunately, it wasn’t hopeful. it was about suicide mostly, and it could have had a hopeful resolution i guess - but the whole movie isn’t happy - and i wasn’t thinking that it would be… but it wasn’t happy at all. there wasn’t an ounce of hope. not an ounce.

everyone else has school and or work. i’m only working part-time and very little right now. it’s fucking boring. i’ve no motivation to do anything - although i have been doing redefine stuff… but that’s really about all, and it’s taking a lot longer than i’d intended simply because i can’t buckle down and do it enough. it’s so lonely here. i haven’t done a thing today cause i’ve no motivation. i’ve tried creating something - but all of my ideas are just recycled trash. i can’t even impress myself. there’s nothing original in my mind anymore. it’s creative stagnation. it’s garbage. these are the same old words written by someone else somewhere, sometime. it’s even worse with any kind of art. at least with writing i can appease myself. with art, i can’t even do that. graphic designer? i’m ready to scoff at myself. maybe there’s a reason i can’t find a job and shit.

being emotional sucks. i’ve always been kind of emotional, but not to the point of crying and breaking down sense. but i’ve been doing that relatively a lot. the other day i spent like an hour crying uncontrollably and the worst part is i don’t even know why i was.

when i think about it, i’m actually kind of considering going back to california (oh yeah, i did that last week too). i was opposed to the idea before, but i’m thinking now that i don’t have much left for me here. i don’t know, maybe i do, but it doesn’t feel like it. it’s so weak to want to go somewhere else to get rid of all the feelings, just because you don’t want to try anymore… but i dunno. i’ve no one to blame anything on except for myself. everything is the product of my pessimistic mind.

i’m racking my mind for things that are left for me here and not much comes up. i can probably only even count a handful of ‘friends,’ most of which are my current roommates, which kind of nullifies everything since that doesn’t equal going out or socializing more than television watching or shopping.

yeah, i should be looking for inspiration, but there’s nothing much left to inspire me. i’ve been trying. i’ve been reading a lot because that seems to be the most productive thing to do when you want to do nothing. i’ve been reading about politics… novels… whatever… and i’ve been doing a lot of writing because that’s the only thing that keeps me sane (esp thanks to my new typewriter!) — but asides from all that, there’s nothing new and refreshing, and nothing uplifting comes out of writing anyway.

i tried reading an adobe indesign book today and i found that i just don’t really care about getting better. it’d be nice to just fall off somewhere and forget about it all — to just live in the wilderness or something and HOPE that there’s something greater out there for even the worst of us, and that things really do work out for the best. but that’s why people believe in religion, right? and unfortunately, i don’t believe in religion. i think for this time in my life i am relying too much on having someone else save me. and herein is where the problem lies. i’ve always been self-subservient and haven’t looked to people for help too often, but i’m beginning to find the flaw of not being able to buckle and bend, and not knowing what it’s like to rely on someone for anything. people always let you down, it’s true - and i guess living an entire life knowing how much you can give and take instead of suddenly realizing it would be a lot easier.

girls always think too much about other people’s intentions, and i think i do too much of that just because there’s so much free time to allow that kind of thinking. i don’t want to be a drag, but i just want to feel wanted.

if it makes you less sad,
i will die by your hand.
i hope you wfind out what you want;
i already know what i am.
i’ll grow old –
start acting my age.
it’ll be a brand new day
in a life that you hate…
a crown of gold,
a heart that’s harder than stone.
and it hurts a whole lot,
but it’s missed when it’s gone.
call me a safe bet;
i’m betting i’m not.
glad that you can forgive –
only hoping that as time goes,
you can forget.
if it makes you less sad,
i’ll move out of the states.
you can keep to yourself…
i’ll keep out of your way.
and if it makes you less sad,
i’ll take your pictures all down.
every picture you paint;
i will paint myself out.
it’s cold as a tomb,
and it’s dark in your room
when i sneak to your bed
and pour salt on your wounds…
so call it quits,
or get a grip;
you said you wanted a solution…
you just wanted to be missed.
call me a safe bet;
i’m betting i’m not.
glad that you can forgive;
only hoping that as time goes,
you can forget.
you are the smell before rain…
you are the blood in my veins.
BRAND NEW - THE BOY WHO BLOCKED HIS OWN SHOT.

i’m listening to… new order, mogwai, dj dara.

3:08 am - last night at the ram was interesting. they make you wait so fucking long! we thought there’d be no one there cause it’s finals week, but there were more people than ever. farm and arlen flaked as usual, the motherfucking fuckers!!!

anyway. we played videogames AGAIN for a while afterwards (me, cynthia, alex, andy, and lenny) and lalalala. oh yeah the previous night was random movie-hangout-night with alex, lenny, and lewis, and we watched “ray” and the latter half of “thirteen.” both movies piss me the fuck off. i HATE watching movies where people are jackasses or just dickheads or just have fallen of the deep end. i can’t help it. it makes me angry that people can let themselves get so ridiculously out of control and that they can live without caring about anyone or anything (well i guess ray charles did care about things, but not so much about people). i just wonder if i am doing right or if i’m just fooling myself into thinking i am doing alright!

anyway, today i went with lenny to this vegetarian restaurant on 45th called araya’s. “the northwest’s first vegetarian thai restaurant,” it says. i don’t know if i believe that. the food was OK, even though it was pretty busy. i got a dish that i thought was cooked but it turned out to be straight vegetables. good thing the fucking peanut sauce they had was creamy ownage. good thing for them, that is, cause i woulda burnt the bitch place down!!!!!!!

interview friday with wiz kids games. probably interview one of… maybe four that i’ve applied to that i’ve actually wanted. the pay is pretty minimal (28k a year - it’s nothing). but it’s casual. and it’s chill. and they makes games. one of which is about pirates. how the fuck can it get better? it can’t. so if you pray, pray that i get it. this week is going to fly by. i know it. i need a fucking haircut. i really should have gotten one today!!!

i think i’m addicted to seeing my own writings. i wonder if i’m just really narcissistic or what…

i’m listening to… “american dad” on TV.

9:58 pm - this weekend was kinda interesting. on friday i went with lenny to one of his relative’s company picnic things. like 30% of the people there were part of his family. creepy. got to ride jetskis, and that was indeedly rad x2!!! it’s fun when you turn in circles and then ride your own wakes. at some point when lenny was driving i accidentally put my head down and almost broke my nose wewt. other people tried wakeboarding which i guess is really hard. really wanted to try, but oh well. :[ next time.

arlen stayed over our place this weekend cause farm was away @ um… a retreat being a counselor. with racist kids. but anyway.

anyways… nighttime was VIDEOGAME TIME. we went to mike [chang] / cynthia’s place and played a bunch of videogames. SO MANY VIDEOGAMES. it started out with mario kart and smash brothers on the game cube and then rotated to the NES for ridge racer, contra (beat that), and then the finale, ninja gaiden 2. basically who played was me, arlen, and mike’s sister’s boyfriend patrick (it was his game… he also had a POWERGLOVE!!). GOD THE NES IS FREAKING GLORIOUS. we played the game from 3am to 7:15am. by some point around 6:30 or so everyone else passed out and arlen and i continued playing… at some point we decided to give up because we thought we had won twice but in fact, we hadn’t… so we gave up on level 7-2, and it turns out 7-5 is the last fucking level. MOTHERFUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCK. ARHGOIHASIDOSHADOIASD.

last night was the same… videogames. arlen coming this over essentially equated to: sleep + 7-11 + videogames. every time we go to the 7-11 now the guy asks us if we’re buying hustlers because of that one day that we bought hustlers. ugh. yeahhhhh. last night was smash brothers and the zelda windwaker game… blahblahblah.

today i had to pick gareth up from the boat dock near my work because his friend’s boat broke down for the 2nd time or something lol. i had to drive them to mercer island, which is a lot further than i thought. he owes me! BIG TIME.

then i played tennis with erin (my boss). she managed to make every one of our 5 balls over the fence once.

then i attempted to go to the catwalk club to check out nural… since their publicist wanted me to see how they were. well, i got lost (i hate mapquest), and gave up because i didn’t really want to go in the first place anyway, but i can’t give up a free thing without a fight =/ and no one would go with me. i need some more friends who go to shows.

and now we’re going to the ram with farm, arlen, cynthia, lenny, alex, and andy [crossett]. a good percent of the ROOMMATES for next year - we’re only missing two (who lenny and cyn can replace). wewt.

some plane just crashed because it got depressurized. how creepy. someone sent another person a text message as the plane was crashing, and it said, “the cabin is unbearably cold. the pilots are unconscious. goodbye.” creepy.

i’m listening to… “malcolm in the middle”… god, i <3 this show.

2:27 pm - went to pdx this weekend for the portland zine symposium with arlen, farm, and lenny. zine makers are pretentious bitches, man. got ignored so very much!! :/ so many vegans. all of the above are annoying. after the shit, we went to camas to arlen’s (god i was tired!!!!)… camas is cool. there’s a bunch of shit that’s like stratified rock layers that look like they’d be great to climb. my god!

arlen’s house is nice! they got this dr. pepper mini-cooper remote-controlled car, and it was frickin sweet, especially since he had a hardwood floor that was perfect for it. ha ha ha ha. god, i love malcolm in the middle. anyway, we ate a shitload. ate a lot of pizza (they claimed over and over again that the pizza was sooo good but it was mediocre!!!), ate a lot more food, got some free food from his parents. watched a new kids on the block documentary and “back to the future,” which was frickin AWESOME!!!!! MUST… WATCH… #2.

also, i missed on talking about the most important parts…

THE BOY IN THE TREE IS FUCKING STUPID. IT’S A BUNCH OF STUMPS ON A TREE GIVE ME A BREAK.

the camas castle, is however neato. you can read about it in chuck palahniuk’s book, stranger than fiction.

i’m listening to… “fresh prince of bel-air” on nick @ night, garden state soundtrack.

10:01 pm - last night we returned to mike’s for an evening of drunkenness and craziness. it was relatively calm minus the drinking, being that i never drink… but it just seemed like a perfect time to get rid of my existence. how extreme, huh? i always hate when people drink to get rid of their problems or whatever, but how about that? that’s exactly what i felt like doing. so i did.

just drank a couple of mixed drinks and took like three shots. then at some point lenny wanted to go to qfc to buy a pie tin and some potato chips to burn in a pie tin… so me, lenny, ron, and jayson went… on the way we somehow got to talking about porn and someone had the idea about going to 7-11 to buy hustler. and i was like, “we should bring hustler around with us in qfc and read it aloud while walking around,” so everyone’s like, “OK! YEAH! LET’S GO BUY IT!” i bet the 7-11 guy loved it, because he used to always hit on liz / make comments to alex about girls he was with (including us).

then we went to my apartment because i wanted to grab a jacket, and while i was grabbing a jacket, the boys decided that they wanted to watch the pr0n. so we watched the pr0n. girls eating girls and guys doing girls, but it was all fairly boring.

finally we went to qfc and walked around for a while there, reading hustler aloud and shit. finally we were going to buy shit and i put the hustler with the cover up on the table, and lenny turned it over so that the naked guy on girl action was showing… and the cashier was not pleased, no no. no. when i couldn’t find the pen, he grabbed the mag and literally threw it aside. lmao.

yeah. and that’s that. we went back and everyone was like, “where the fuck were you guys? we thought you guys bailed.” i guess we were gone for like two hours or an hour and a half or something.

lalalala. today alex and i went swimming in the lake @ sandpoint’s warren g. magnuson park, and later jennie and chol and company showed up, and yup!! yup. that beach or whatever the fuck sucks. there’s huge rocks on the bottom. it fucking hurts to walk on. death, i tell you, death. also, the water makes your ears burn and there is a whole lotta ducky poopie. and that’s that… some more stuff, but yeah.

shit actually seems to be picking up with the publication. more people writing in about it. more people saying ok. more people buying ads. more people saying ok. i just wish i wasn’t doing all of the work, but i’m not fucking kidding - things come out best when you do them yourself. and it’s a fucking sad state of things, but what’re you gonna do?

call it my insecurity or a self-fulfilling prophecy. i’m beginning to wonder if it’s going to end just because i’m too scared for it to continue. i’ve never had the feeling of thinking something is so impossible to make work that you just can’t… i wonder if things are really that impossible anyway, or if everything is just a hopeless feeling i have that makes me think it’s impossible. how stupid. feelings are such a bizarre thing that i cannot even begin to understand or describe. i wonder if feelings should even be thought of logically or if they should just be swallowed up whole, no matter what the implications are. it’s hard to distinguish between what is good and what is bad, because something like this can feel so right and so wrong at the same time. i have definitely never felt like this before… and if things do end, i can only wonder if i’ll look back on this with regret or happiness.

who knows, though… there’s still time.

i’ve been down
and i’m wondering why
these little black clouds
keep walking around
with me.
it wastes time,
and i’d rather be high -
think i’ll walk me outside
and buy a rainbow smile,
but be free…
they’re all free.
i look around at a beautiful life,
been the upperside of down,
been the inside of out.
but we breathe…
we breathe.
i wanna breeze and an open mind.
i wanna swim in the ocean.
wanna take my time for me…
all me.
so maybe tomorrow…
i’ll find my way home.
STEREOPHONICS - MAYBE TOMORROW.

i’m listening to… explosions in the sky.

1:53 am - today i basically just ran some errands and went to mike [chang]’s for a bbq. we burned a lot of shit. made a potato chip bonfire on the table… played around with candlewax… and that is essentially all.

these days i feel like the only thing that is keeping me alive at all is artistic curiosity… just making things or drawing things is really the only crap that is keeping me sane. i feel little productivity and little movement on any level… i can’t sleep, so i’m drawing, even though i have a job interview down south @ 10:30… but i don’t care. i barely ever feel like drawing cause i think it’s lame, so this is something new.

i’m listening to… brandtson, “celebrity fit club” on vh1.

3:13 am - a couple days ago me, lenny, and liz hit the streets of downtown seattle with a sign saying, “TALK TO US about anything and everything. we’re here to listen.”

it was fun times. it’s always fun times. i didn’t take a racial tally this time around because people were much more engaged than they were in san francisco… but i will give an idea about what kind of thing went on… as best i can remember, anyways.

we started off on the pier downtown waterfront area but couldn’t really find anyone interesting to talk to, and blahblahblehbleh. so we moved, and walked up to pike place. up lots of stairs. :X

as soon as we were setting up on some streetcorner, some guy came to talk to us right away. his name was randall w. stack. he showed me his veteran’s card. he was a veteran from the vietnam war. looked homeless, but was loaded. told lenny to buy him a beer, and then told him to buy us drinks also. we said we didn’t want any, and he said, “you know women. they always say no when they mean yes.” how true! just kidding. anyway, he kept telling me to take notes, even though he could barely finish a sentence, lmao. anyway, right before he told lenny to go buy drinks, he was telling us that he wanted to tell us a story. but right when lenny left, some ther guy name timothy showed up. he kind of looked like indian, with really long curlyish black hair and just normal clothes. he was from the UK, on his way to dinner. when he heard that randall was going to tell a story about the vietnam war, he stuck around, because he grew up in a military family and his dad died in that war, but they never really got the chance to talk about it, so basically, he was pretty repressed his whole life… when timothy first came, we started asking him questions, and randall was just like all freaking out, saying, “oh, you ask him questions but you didn’t ask me any!” like he was jealous that he wasn’t the center of attention anymore, lol.

but lenny took too long to come back with the beer, and randall wouldn’t start telling the story without him there. another guy showed up. his name was shawn. white dude with headphones, just a regular shirt… just a typical working guy. he was working at a law firm, and he didn’t really want to do that for a living, but it was just a job. he had just read a thing on MPR??? about a lady in france who sat in a park with a sign saying “talk to me” in french and english, and she just talked to people. her point was that it’d be hard for young ladies to do the same thing, because people wouldn’t be comfortable talking to young ladies. he found it interesting that this didn’t seem to be true. meanwhile, timothy from the UK had to leave because he had to go to dinner and didn’t have time to hear the story.

fast-forward. shawn left also. lenny came back without a beer, and so randall left to go buy one on his own. he really needed that beer! a guy named rod, a clean-cut african-american dude stopped by. he had a bunch of bags of stuff from pottery barn and some winnie the pooh towels and kid stuff… he was from bellevue. he was like, “i’m bored, so i came down here to buy some stuff.” he had a son that was 12, born in canada. dropped out of tech school that his parents were paying for to join the navy, and they were quite pissed. his son had dual citizenship, and i asked if he got free health care, and he’s like, “hell yeah, that’s part of the reason for having him be born in canada.” ruckyyyy. he was a cool guy. enjoyed his laugh. he’d been in jail for marijuana posession. lame.

randall came back halfway through and gave rod some weird-ass looks. rod left, and randall was about to tell us the story when a security guard lady came and said we couldn’t be in pike’s place market because all the stores were closed. we were going to walk to westlake, but randall told us to go to the park with him. he told us there would be people we could talk to there. didn’t know there was a park in pike’s place for one, but we got there and no one talked to us. he did try to tell us a story, though. haha TRY.

he told us about how when he was young, he was greedy and self-serving, and didn’t believe in religions. he had an apartment on the beach, sold drugs, and knew a lot of girls. he was listening to a ted nugent song which said, “i got news - you never got to go,” and when he was listening, a voice said in his head, “i am the alpha, and i am the omega,” and he thought it was god… uhh so i asked him, “are you christian now?” and he just gave up telling the story altogether, and was just like, “you’re way ahead of me,” but never finished anything. you have to realize that this guy had the absolutely most fascinating teeth. he was missing most of his front teeth except for two on the right side of his mouth, and they were like, yellowed and double the length of my teeth. it was… fascinating. he was like the dirty mad hatter or something.

anyway, we decided to leave because he wasn’t entertaining us, and decided to walk to westlake. the whole way, we held the sign up, and it was probably like a three-block walk. on the way there, this lady was like, “talk to us about anything and everything? get those crackheads off our streets! you see that street right there? a famous musician died there because of crack! get the crackheads off our streets before your kids have to deal with it!” and that was all.

another lady just saw the sign and asked what it was for. she said, “our social experiment is going out ith a group of ladies for this lady’s 39th birthday. just to celebrate that we’re still alive.” lol., like 39 is that old WTF.

then we sat down on these stairs outside of westlake center… and we couldn’t find a place that was that great, but one dude stopped by to talk, and another guy was like, “hey, talk to me,” and we were like, “come over here,” but he said, “i only talk to people here,” so we went to sit by him. his name was savalas. it is greek for “leader of leaders.” smart dude man. but… he sits there everyday talking to people. he told us how he knows everyone and talks to all sorts of people, and people come talk to him… and he told us all about the different kinds of solicitors in the area… people for women’s rights, money for africa, etc. he was a theology major. he really thought the name of my magazine, redefine, was sooo awesome because it is challenging pre-made definitions that were put in place by people of power, etc. etc. blahblahblah. he asked us a lot about what we were studying. i asked him what he was doing with his life, what his dreams and aspirations were. know his responses? he says, “that’s a very personal thing. do you have kids? do you have sex?” and i was answered those questions, but he was like, “see? it’s very personal.” i don’t really think that dreams and aspirations are nearly as personal, but to each his own, i guess.

a large black lady passed by and was like, “i’m so glad you’re talking to them,” to savalas.

a couple more people i don’t remember. this one guy stopped by and he kind of looked crazy to begin with. we asked him where he was going, and he said, “i’m going to canada. i’m from los angeles.” wtf? he said it took him 28 hours to get from seattle to the canadian border, and when he got there, they wouldn’t let him in because he didn’t know where he was going. he said that he needed to get there before his girlfriend stopped being his girlfriend. LMAO. wtf? he’s crazy.

another guy was a musician named nick. he had a guitar and was on his way to a coffee shop. he was from the bay area, as were many people… like rod, and some other people. yeah, i didn’t really talk to him because at the time i was talking to savalas about redefine.

at some point a group of skaters walked by, and savalas told them to talk to us. savalas asked one of them if he could do tricks, and he’s like, “of course. i’m a professional.” savalas was like, “bullshit.” and the guy was like, “yeah okay, i can’t do anything. professional people would probably say, ‘i’m alright.’” and i was like, “dude, you’re wearing sandals,” and another guy who was with him was like, “yeah, that totally gives it away.”

savalas left us with a couple of quotes:
“i freed a thousand slaves. i could have freed a thousand more, if only they knew they were slaves.” - harriet tubman.
&
“we can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.” - albert einstein.

werd.

i’m listening to… fear factor on tv.

3:30 am - you know, i really really hate liking people. i hate it. i feel so weak and pathetic. jeanette mentioned something like that before, and i really have to concur. i hate missing people. i hate not knowing shit. i hate this fucking shit. i have absolutely no courage or faith at all. i’ve never been so paranoid about anything. i don’t feel like lenny likes me beyond the concept of me, or that he’s even with me for any particular worthwhile reason, or that he’s even going to stay with me and not make out with cynthia or something. seriously, it’s like he spends time with me and shit, but i don’t feel like there’s any substance. i don’t think it’s going anywhere. i just feel needy but only half worthwhile. i feel like a giant waste of time - the giant waste of time that i squander away daily. he only listens to like half of what i have to say, and the other bullshit is just… bullshit. god, i hate myself so much. fuck sex. why the fuck did i get myself into that boat? GOD. i can’t stand this fucking shit. i can’t. fuck this shit. fuck.

i’m listening to… eminem, nonpoint.

1:19 am - for those who don’t know, eminem is done. he’s over with. he’s done.

anyway. went to the hellogoodbye show yesterday with cynthia and lenny, but lenny was a boob and left early. the show was freakin awesome.

the opening bands were houston calls and jamisonparker. houston calls is whatever. mediocre. jamisonparker is better but still mediocre. but the two guys who are actually in the band (they tour with two additional ones) are freakin hot, so they got all sortsa girls goin nuts for them. the rocket summer was next… they’re co-headliners with hellogoodbye, but yeah. bryce is nuts. super happy. so happy. it’s almost freakish.

hellogoodbye is my god. to copy and paste from xanga:

“i like down-to-earth celebrities. i hate the ones that are jackasses. if a musician is a jackass or boring (ie: hot hot heat), there is much respect lost. OH YEAH.

i’m watching “surreal life” right now. carey hart ROCKS. he’s hot, and he’s just a nice dude. jose conseco is in the house and everyone is freaking out cause he went to jail and used steroids… whatever. and carey hart’s just like, “i don’t care what they’re saying because i’m assuming he’s past all that, and i just want to make an opinion for myself.” it’s good. and while everyone else is being dramatical, he’s just like… washing dishes. lol. i really… really like people who just don’t give a fuck. it’s so zen omg!

most of the time, you can tell within the first few minutes if a person is going to be a jackass.

a couple of other people… like this one girl janice… supposedly the first supermodel ever… she’s like, “WE STILL WANNA KNOW HOW YOU GOT DISCOVERED PEPA (salt n’ pepa’s pepa),” and then she just ignores her and starts checking out jose conseco’s arms and shit… and saying, “who wants to do it in the phone booth first?” wow what a bitch. I HATE BITCHES.

yesterday was the hellogoodbye show. they’re cool cause they’re goofy, but on top of that, they set up their own equipment. i hate when bands have people do their sound check for them. do you REALLY need people to do that!! it’s so stupid. how how and mighty are you? but it’s so rare to find a band that actually does that themselves… so hellogoodbye… so much respect. so much! especially since they’re like big enough to have their own headlining tour and stuff, and they still do it all themselves.”

yeah. they’re awesome. the last some was “touchdown turnaround” (not including encore) and they bust out water guns and inflatable blow-up props and stuff and diving into the crowd. it rocked. forrest is cute. not physically. just mannerismly. rawr.

after the show i stopped by to talk to bryce of trs real quick… and it was awkward. basically it was like this:
v - hi bryce, i just wanted to say hi to you since i interviewed you a few months ago (i left some copies @ the table prior to the show).
b - was it this?
v - yeah.
b - i remember that.
v - cool.
(silence)
v - good show.
b - what?
v - nice show.
b - thanks.
v - you’re so happy!
b - *shrug…

and that was that. i guess you don’t really have anything to say to “you’re so happy!” but usually they say SOMETHING else. yeah. so i just left real quick cause he wasn’t making me happy

today was a day of basically nothing except for dropping off mags / putting resumes and press kits together. boring.

4:12 am

i see it around me;
i see it in everything.
i could be so much more than this.

i said my goodbyes;
this is my sundown.
i’m gonna be so much more than this.

i need you to show me
the way from crazy.
i wanna be so much more than this.

with one hand high,
you’ll show them your progress.
you’ll take your time…
but no one cares.
no one cares.

* JIMMY EAT WORLD - MY SUNDOWN. *