inside the wonderful world of vee

i’m listening to… SUFJAN STEVENS for teh win.
i’m feeling… not too shabby bobby!

10:57 pm
december 20th — my birthday! had kind of a bad, unproductive day all day until i went to pick up sherry with andy [crossett] @ like 9pm wheeeheehee. when she got here, people started coming over @ around 10… it was kind of a last-minute birthday gathering so it was like me, farm, arlen, lewis, gareth, hojo, jennie, chol, cynthia, nate [davis], daniel [kim], sherry, crossett, and ummm lenny came later. alex [bennett] unfortunately was in boston at the time 8[ !! farm made jello shots and bought me a cake, and it was g00t. although purple jello shots are no good, and neither are the reds, and i think the oranges are best. xD played a little “mario party” and waluigi has this taunt that says, “you’re lousy!” and peter and hojo kept saying he was saying, “you’re learning!” so that if parents walked into the room, they’d think the kids were up to something good. rofls. mostly i just got a weeee bit drunk, but i felt kinda sick, so i stopped. fruit + alcohol mixes usually aren’t too good, but that was OK i guess. jennie and cynthia brought me a tin can filled with random crap like paper clips, rubber bands, duct tape, etc. and had a card that said “what would… MACGUYVER DO?” rofls. lewis also saw that on my buddy list i had tiered people. keep in mind that this was from SOPHOMORE year… probably like the beginning of it, and i haven’t changed it in years. i don’t even know what the categories mean anymore, rofls. i had one that said “expendable,” which in retrospect, is quite mean, although true. but the other was “ifitmakesyouhappi,” which… i don’t even know wtf that means.

december 21st — sherry had wanted to go to the aquarium, so me, her, crossett, and lenny went. before that, we went to eat at this japanese restaurant. it was alright this time. finally went to the pirate store, and it was not as exciting as i had imagined, although they had the ’seattle’ version of the ‘new york’ puzzle that lenny gave me. but other than that, and some fake teeth, it was hardly exciting. went to the aquarium and a baby otter had just been birthed! HOORAH!!! it was so cute… they just like lie on the mommy’s stomach all day and the mommy swims it around. LUCKY. that’s the fucking life, dude! hmm it was alright! there’s this one room of the aquarium where they have a bunch of different animals… lots of fish and sharks and stingrays and stuff… and i guess there used to be an octopus in it, but it’d be eating sharks at night when no one was around. finally they watched it, and it was eating them! so they had to get rid of it. you can tell the animals want to escape, cause they can’t feed sea otters shit in shells (despite how they normally crack open all their foods and eat em) cause i guess one of the sea otters before took a small rock and kept pounding away at the window everyday til finally it broke one day rofls. poor aminals. 8[ as cute as they are, i don’t think i’d ever want a pet other than a cat or a dog (because they’re used to be domestic)… even if it means never having a turtle — or even worse, a monkey 8[ after the aquarium that night, sherry and i started putting together a puzzle that lenny had bought me for my birthday. worked on it for like 3 hours, then went to dante’s bar with crossett, hojo, and gareth for trivia night. we sucked balls. our name was “bob lablaw’s law blog,” from “arrested development.” GOOD SHIT, YO. probably the funniest part from the show lately, really :0 the only question i knew (for some reason) was that the capital of columbia was bogota. how useless. :0 man, and sherry is the epitome of lethargic. we’d go to the aquarium (that she SUGGESTED we go to), and she’d be like, “i’m tired.” we’d eat @ a restaurant, and she’d be like, “i’m tired.” we’d go to the bar and she’d be like, “i’m tired.” we’d be sitting around in my apartment, and she’d be like, “i’m tired.” WTF!

december 22nd — worked on the puzzle some more with sherry and we went to four seasons to eat lunner (lunch + dinner). yummy. then went to visit lenny at work and brought him some food. got a mouth guard from walgreen’s for fucking $23, and sherry bought “the clapper” for her cousin, rofls. $20. who’da thunk they still made those things!! i bet my parents would like it, but they don’t move enough as it is. sherry got picked up by her cousin, and i worked on some christmas presents and later that night lenny came over and we just hung out and worked on the puzzle some more, but he has a short attention span

december 23rd — hmm, did nothing much during the daytime except for hung around and finished the puzzle and watched tv. finishing the puzzle took like 3 hours, with a grand total of like… 10 hours or something. at least. at least it looks good in completion. it’s a puzzle of 1,000 pieces of new york city. tony and tammy [vu] dropped by, and i went with them to my neighbor’s, and we just watched a bit of TV. boring. that’s really all they were doing when i got there — watching tv and drinking. we watched “best of the best,” some lame kung fu movie i’ve never seen :0 hurrah, old school, and it’s lame ass kung fu movies! went home, packed my bags. lenny came over and brought me some fat eats (romio’s chicken wings, which are yummy, although the wings themselves look demented) and some salted trout that he fried. yummy. we watched “the island,” which seemed like quite the high-budget movie. directed by michael bay and it was a warner bros. picture. really quite weird to me that no one watched it, cause it seems along the likes of “minority report,” although i liked “minority report” much better. still, it looked cool, and it had big stars (ewan mcgregor and scarlet johansen), an insane amount of product placement, and an african guy who turned from bad to good! all of the pieces of an excellent movie, omg. shrug. really though, i don’t get why no one watched it. yar.

december 24th — lenny dropped me off @ the airport at like 11:15, and my flight was @ 12, although slightly delayed or slow or something. slept the whole ways. got home, bummed around a little, and my godparents came over. exchanged parents (they gave me $300, i got their daughter a paint set and got them a photography book that freakin r0x!!!). had a dinner table conversation — that, as always — somehow goes back to business. and I STILL HATE BUSINESS. i know that i want to run one, but i just hate the logistics of the shit. i just want to be able to do whatever and be OK. X__X we watched “kung fu hustle,” and it was OK, some parts were quite funny, and i appreciate the way that they made everything cartoon-like… but still not my kind of movie, really. i just really liked the part where steven chow beats up everyone in the ax gang. that was funny. but everything else was mostly OK. my mom hated the movie and thought NOTHING was funny. she never finds those kinds of movies funny :0 don’t think my godmother did either. interesting!

oh god lenny’s mom thinks that he shouldn’t date people unless he’s planning on marrying them!! ohnoes, she asked him if he’s gonna marry me and have kids with me… DANGERRRRRRRRR!! DANGER.

merry xmas everyone! or whatever it is you celebrate (this PROBABLY only applies to liz!)

i’m listening to… … kind of like spitting, hellogoodbye, death cab for cutie, michael bubble, the vells, keith urban, blood brothers, kanye west, sufjan stevens.
i’m feeling … hokai.

rofls hae pueple text is lenny
4:46 pm — i shoulda written in this the day after we came back, but i wasn’t feeling like writing in it, unfortunately. SUE ME. but now is the time to write. weeeee. bring it awn!

so we woke up @ like 10 on saturday morning but didn’t leave til like noon to go to canada.. it was me, lenny, arlen, and farm. stopped by the mcdonald’s and the 7-11 to grab some phat disgusting unhealthy eatz(vee’s choice of tims cascade was jalepeno while mine was the superior wasabi flavor), wewt wewt. DOWN WITH MCDONALD’S GIFT CARD SLOGAN: “it’ll not only give you good food, but good times!” SHUTUP. SINCE WHEN DID MCDONALD’S GIVE ME GOOD TIMES?! maybe if good times = heart attacks and fatty fats, bitch! i got apples from mcdonalds!

anyway. so i drove the however long it took to get there and was … so sleepy. so very sreepy. :[ T__T and everyone else in the car was sleeping. teh bastards. got to the border and everyone else had birth certificates (DUDE LENNY HAD A BIRTH CERTIFICATE THAT’S LIKE A CREDIT CARD, WTF!) and i only had a liscense… the lady said we might get some trouble on the way back (which makes sense, sorta, since anyone can get a liscense)… but yeah. let us in. the lady was like the american border inspection people are anal! you could be held up for 4+ hours ect ect, we were scared

first thing was did was exchange some money at the tourist booth. I found some cool rock salt on the ground and put it in mah pocket! la la la. but much to our discontent, MY CAR WOULD NOT START. we sat there for like a half hour waiting for it to start. went inside after a while to try and call for a tow truck, but most of them were like AAA, where you need to be a member. the guy there was trying to call around and find a place for us, but luckily, since we popped open the hood for a while and it got to cool down a little, and it finally worked… after numerous failed attempts!!! hurrah, though.

didn’t want to stop the car again, but we had to at the hostel. drove the half hour or hour or whatever that it took to get to the hostel in mid-vancouver. didn’t know where to park, so we parked in this one lot without paying, but it was like… $3 per hour from 6pm to 6am or some bullshit. so i’m like, FUCK THIS SHIT. so we went inside, got our room, and then came back out to move the car. once again, the car did not work. bitch. so we waited around for another while and went to chinatown to walk around. but then i decided chinatown was boring, cause all it is is like 50 dry goods shops, 50 fruit shops, 50 pastry places, 50 roast meat places. sick!!! and unexciting!! i wanted to go to the underground shoppig mall, but we ended up not going, since when we were leaving chinatown, MY CAR WOULDN’T START AGAIN! we decided it needed a break, and went to the holiday inn down the street from our hostel, cause the hostel front desk lady said we should go there to park since it was $13 for 24 hours. excellent.

afterwards we started walking from our hostel (which was #13somethingsomething on granville st.) to shabusen (which was #2993 or something on the same street). unfortunately, i am n00b, and i directed us in the wrong direction. didn’t realize it until we got to like #600-something. so. we had already walked like a half mile, and we had to backtrack to walk three miles in the other direction to shabusen… ROFLS. it seemed like it took sOo long. i think it took at least an hour and a half or something. good exercise though! i guess?!

went to eat and we didn’t make a reservation, but we lucked the hell out because it was 7 or something, and someone who was supposed to show up @ 6:30 but never did. so the guy gave us a table, saying that we HAD to be out at 8:30. and he kept checking up on us every so often. MOTHERFUCKER!!! but yeah, the food was fucking GLORIOUS. i’m dreaming about it right now :0 i wish i could eat it! it’s basically just sushi and fried rice and REALLY GOOD tonkatsu and more junk and food and tofu and food and sushi. actually, we were kinda weak sauce with the eating and really did not eat that much. i’m rather disappointed with myself. but mmm spicy shrimp rolls for the win… although the all-you-can-eat sushi place in hawaii is much better. cause it had soft-shelled crab rolls 8( and a cute waiter. and potato hand. and giant bag of ice :0 but god, shabusen’s tonkatsu was… REALLY good. yummyyyyyyy.

ANYWAY moving on. as we were leaving, we ran into jun and lewis, which was pretty much FREAKY. they didn’t make a reservation and shit, so i wonder if they ever got in. they were with their RO guild or something — like 10 people or some shit.

on the way back we stoppd by this coffee place called blenders or something. farm got a hot cocoa and WHOA you can pick white chocolate, milk chocolate, and dark chocolate. HOW FUCKIN AWESOME!>?!!? so lenny and i decided to get one, only i wanted to try the orange hot chocolate one, and lenny thought it was pretty gross, and i thought it was okay, but it kinda made me sick… ROOFLS.

we walked back the two and a half miles to the hostel wee, and it was a helluva lot faster than the way there, although it was just about the same distance! lenny kept picking up the pieces of salt they spread on the ground and kept it or something. i think he thought about taking it home to make ramen with it.

on the way back, we walked over this giant bridge, and farm and arlen were walking ahead of us and this cop car stopped right next to em… we thought they were gonna talk to them or something, but they didn’t. behind the cop car stopped a counterterrorist van thing… we concluded someone was going to try and blow up the bridge. EXCELLENT. only, it never happened. too bad. but it mighta! and maybe they caught it JUST IN TIME WEWT WEWT.

we stopped by this sex shop on the way back. didn’t buy anything, except lenny bought two condoms cause he felt bad for going in and not buying anything or whatever. the shop owner loved corny jokes. corny corny. i don’t remember any of them except for the one he asked lenny before we were leaving. he told him to imagine he had two dice. “what number did the first one roll?” he’d ask, and lenny said, “three.” “did it remind you of your first sexual experience?” and he said, “no.” then he told him to imagine what was on the other die. the number was four. same thing. and then he told him to roll both of them together. and was like, “does THAT remind you of your first sexual experience?” ROFLS. you have to picture it to get it, i guess!

then we went to this arcade, which was the weirdest thing because most of the people in it were GIRLS. WTF. weird. one of these old ladies was supposedly giving farm lesbian eyes. they had time crisis three, which after 80 years, i am still determined to beat. GODAMNIT. i swear, if i had five dollars to waste on that fucking game, i would have long beaten it. but i always play like two or three bucks and never get through it. godamnit. some guys were taking pictures of the screen for an art project supposedly (i’m not sure what kind of supposed art project that is), but they were playing so shitty. i seriously wanted to volunteer to help them beat the game, cause they put in like $5 worth of coins for what would normally take $1. st00pit.

there was also a karaoke booth HAHA. it was just like going to noraebang, cept it was a little room. they also had a buttload of sticker machines, which cost like $8 each now, WTF. i remember when they were $3 and i thought, WTF HOW ARE THEY SO EXPENSIVE?!!! i can’t even fathom paying $8 for that fucking shit! there was also some weird samurai shooting game where you go around shooting ninjas and tetris, bubble bobble, beatmania, guitar / drum games, ddr, pump it up, etc. etc.

after we got bored of that area, we decided to head to the other arcade down the street. this one had a sign outside saying “men’s theatre” or something, and it was decidedly LESS exciting and MORE dirty. god. in the back, there were like 8 white booths and if you put in a quarter, you get a one minute clip of porn. sick. there was also a strip poker game which i won two hands of, but one quarter only gave you two hands, so that’s as naked as the girl got. retarded. it was like, from the 70s too. haha.

there was also the classic area 51 there… tetris again, and some hunting games. i’ve come to the conclusion that i would seriously be good at shooting guns. i swear i need to try sometime… although i’m against guns and all… i still think i would be a really good shot, and i’d like to test it sometime. :0

but yeah, that place smelled like BO. too many dudes, and lots of greasy ones :0

afterwards we walked around a little bit more and lenny got a crepe, but there wasn’t really much else to do since we were poor and underdressed, so we went back to the hostel. they gave us a coupon each for a free beer, but for some reason, none of us redeemed ours (well, i wouldn’t have, but everyone else should’ve!). we chilled around the lounge for a while… lenny and i tried to play pool but didn’t want to pay money to play. just tried shooting the ball around, really. lenny’s never played pool before really. then we just started working on this 1,000 piece puzzle where a shitload of pieces looked the same (it was of a marina, with like tons and tons of boats) and a bunch of pieces that DIDN’T fit FIT. ghetto puzzle!!! :X we spent like 3 hours and got like oh, i dunno, 200 pieces or something done. talked to random hostel folk here and there along the way. one fobby chinese guy who had been living there for like a month and a half, some guys from eastern canada, and yeah… there were a couple of aussies looking to see if this certain door was locked, and lenny’s like, “it’s locked; i already tried.” and i guess they were like, “how would you know? guess everyone’s lookin for a place to shag,” and lenny’s like, “yea,” and apparently they gave me a weird look or something! i’m too young to be shaggin omg!

finally we went to bed and woke up the next day to go to stanley park. arlen asked why it was called stanley park, and i told him it was named after vancouver’s founder, mark stanley. he believed me. ROFLS. owned. arlen was quite gullible that day and believed a lot of lies.

before going there, however, we stopped by chinatown and picked up some roast duck, some buns, and some roast pork (SICK — GREASE CENTRAL!!). i didn’t eat any of that shit; i only ate part of a zhongzi… and it was fine. we ate it in the middle of the park on some benches… it was excellent. i kept thinking frost on the ground was snow, cause it was fucking thick. wish it coulda snowed.

finding stanley park was a bitch cause there was only one exit from one direction, and if you missed it, you had to cross this bridge into north or eastern vancouver. and we missed it at first, so we found a gas station in northern vancouver or whatever, and bought some coolant for my car. AND THEY HAD BANANA MILK YAY. it was like this little mini-jug (like a miniature gallon jug)… so CUTE. and so NUMMY. we drove back across this bridge but i thought there’d be two exits from this direction when there was only one. MISSED THE EXIT AGAIN. had to turn around AGAIN to enter the park. after the park, we just drove to richmond. would have been nice to hang around the park, really, but i guess it was just cold and… i dunno, i guess we really should have. stanley park is MASSIVE yo. MASSIVE.

at richmond, we just went to this daiso store and bought some random crap. it was in this mall that had a LOT of really bad asian drivers. GO RICHMOND, ASIAN CENTRAL, AKA BAD DRIVER CENTRAL!!!!! we were throwing quarters from the second story into this fountain on the first story (above that they had like, a planetarium ceiling, omg!) and we were throwing it rather far, but farm threw one that landed like right behind this guy’s head. funny to see them all bewildered! and i left my mini-jug of banana milk IN THE TOILET. NOOO.

after leaving, we stopped by a gelato place and ate some ice cream. lenny’s first time having gelato, and i think arlen’s too. yummy nummy in my tummy. the difference between gelato and ice cream: instead of using heavy cream, gelato uses non-fat or low-fat milk. NOW YOU KNOW. and then we came home :0 on the way back, lenny drove, and there was some weird ass filipino guy who had a power trip, and he’d be asking us questions (farm and i), and we’d answer him, but he wouldn’t hear us, and he’d be like screaming, “answer me when i’m talking to you!” and he tapped on the car to… check for drugs? who knows, yo.

oh yes, the day before this trip, i went and bought farm an engagement ring from arlen because arlen is a carless scrub!! wewt wewt. i still have it — it needs to be returned — but did you know that they only make rings in size 7?! how freakish. so you’re like… REQUIRED to change the size. those jackasses. who the fuck has size 7 fingers?!

i’m watching… arlen playing “mario sunshine”.
i’m feeling… a bit gassy. rofls.

4:52 am — spent most of the day today at lenny’s. explored his high school, inglemoor… they had some phatty ass phat shit, man. they had metal work, graphic design, photography, ceramics, programming, visualaudio, etc. etc. … wtf? i think we only had a general art class (or a couple) and photography. that is just… not at all fair. they didn’t have as much sports stuff and the school was relatively small compared to amador, but it seemed cool… really cool.

snowed yesterday in seattle, on the 1st of december. it didn’t stick in seattle. stuck @ lenny’s house. pretty… pretty. T__T hope it snows soon.

we also watched this chinese movie called “yi yi”… i dunno. it was three hours long, and the storyline was all over the place. the director directed it so that no one’s face was really seen up close… all from a mediocre distance only, and so it made it extremely difficult to tell the difference between people. man, asian people are more hard to tell apart than whities… even as an asian.

man, i don’t want to be one of those girlfriends who’s constantly complaining, but i just don’t know what to do about it. letting stuff slide forever will never work… but does changing people work? sigh… i don’t know how to articulate it. and i don’t want to be a downer either. i wonder how long it is before you know if things will work and stuff. i wish for once he’d say what bothers him, if anything does… instead of just me being unsatisfied. i wish he’d have more self-confidence or SOMETHING… and just say WANT something for once. i told him he’s apathetic. and it’s not always cause he doesn’t seem to care or something, because when we do spend time together, there’s generally not TOO much doubt. but the apathy comes in because he doesn’t try to insert his opinion about a lot of things, as if he doesn’t think it’s worthwhile to divulge, or that he just doesn’t care… and i just want it to work. i’m not trying to make him feel bad… but i know i’m trying really hard to think of things the way he might, and i wish he’d do the same. or maybe if he does, i wish he’d tell me. maybe it’s a guy thing, but it’d be nice to know what he’s thinking sometimes.

i’m listening to… … fly to the sky, boa, drive like jehu.
i’m feeling… meh…

1:35 am — up and down up and down.

i feel like shit. like shit’s shit. like recycled, unattractive, undesireable, unwanted shit. i’m tired of giving. when will it be time to get an equal amount back? it’s not like i’m asking for a whole fucking lot. just more consideration once in a while. just to not feel like a chore. just to feel wanted and beautiful just for a few minutes at a time. for the first time in my life, i feel like i can give and put my own feelings at a halt to see someone else satisfied. i can drop my apathetic nature with regards to human beings and actually give more of a fuck than i have ever. but with that comes my own dissatisfaction… from being with someone who is more apathetic than i am. who doesn’t even try to make me happy, even when i hint at how simple it could be. “think of something to do,” i’ll say, “you better,” and even so, my attempts are fruitless. “it’s our anniversary in 10 days,” i’ll say, and he’ll say, “yay,” but not remember fuckshit when it comes down to it. and i don’t care… guys are known for not remembering that kind of crap. but then he has the audacity to say, “what month is it?” and then… “what, couples celebrate their third month?” when we have celebrated none. not only do you not remember, but you don’t even care. and you don’t even care that i care when i clearly do, seeing as how i brought it up three fucking times… at least.

and it’s possible to think that i’m asking too much, but i don’t think a little consideration is a lot to ask for. to hear for once, “oh, let’s do this,” instead of my having to come up with shit to do all the time or instead of my saying, “hey, we should hang out, all the time. and in all of my years, i have NEVER tried to come up with shit to do. because i don’t give a fuck. and i never have. but in this situation, i have, and i do, because it’s necessary. i do a lot of shit that isn’t necessary and it doesn’t matter because i’m happy to make the sacrifices really. but i’d just like to be asked sometime instead of being the asker. i’d like to be a desireable object to speak to instead of just some object. it’s always nice to have your actions and thoughts reciprocated, but they’re not, and i’ve been trying really hard… but it doesn’t even matter. cause there is no consideration beyond a couple of hours, and all there is cluelessness and apathy and a lack of desire to do anything more. i don’t care about driving half an hour, an hour, so long as i’m asked to be there. i don’t care about sitting home and doing nothing except for watching a movie so long as i’m asked to be there. it doesn’t even matter. i’m sick of extending into nothing. i’m sick of giving 249289328932913123 and getting 2.

i think all of my life encompassed at this moment is leading to my nerves being shot, my muscles cramped all the time, my body feeling like shit. everything is giving me stress. everything is me giving 2323% and getting a small fraction in return. with the magazine, with my relationship. it’s all, whatevers, and due to my i-don’t-give-a-fuck nature, i’m letting a lot of shit slide that tons of people would never let slide. and in the end all i can see is that i’m really fucking tired and i just want reciprocacy.

i’m listening to… … the cardigans.
i’m feeling… meh…

2:51 am — smeh just tried going to sleep but i don’t want to… too unhappy to sleep, if that makes sense. i’m so tired… just want to sleep forever. i feel so defeated. i hate a lack of conclusion to things. i can’t stand it. and i can’t stand that i am up to my neck in medical bills and i don’t know shit about my body. how i feel like fuck and i don’t know how to fix it and i don’t want to spend thousands more dollars finding out there’s nothing and not being sure if it’s all mental or if i’m just crazy or what… but no conclusion makes for unhappiness and i don’t know what to do until i fix it. i feel like doing nothing. i feel so godamn defeated. i want to do nothing. i can say nothing else to describe my feelings except that i want to do nothing. i’d say fuck the magazine, i give up, but my rational mind won’t allow it. but it sounds oh so fucking tempting. i’d rather not sleep cause i’d rather not cry. i’d rather be awake so i can go blind, staring at this computer monitor without the lights on. i just want to feel better. i just want to feel okay or to know what the fuck is wrong with me. why my ear has some weird growth that hurts. why my eye gets fucked up after a day of not taking vitamins, and why it still sometimes is annoying even when i do. what the fuck. health really is everything. if you feel like shit all the time, you can do nothing. you want to do nothing… it sounds so easy to not try at all. to just take things as they are given… to just find a 9 to 5 job… fuck passion, fuck whatever, i only care about money. i am a tool for the capitalist pigs. it would be so fucking easy. why is it so hard to be satisfied? it’s shitty because some people really are born with an innate ability to be unhappy. and some are just generally peachy. i’m just scared to end up dead one day having done nothing and having felt nothing and having known nothing.

writing is the only thing that keeps me sane…

this is not to say i’m high and mighty at all, but i think i care too much that i say the right things and do the right things for people. not in the kiss-ass type of way, but in the, “i’ll-do-this-even-if-i-don’t-want-to-because-it’s-the-nice-thing-to-do,” or the, “i’ll-cut-you-slack-because-it’s-the-nice-thing-to-do,” or whatever… i’m so tired. i’ve always been able to not give a fuck about what people thought or whatever, but it’s becoming increasingly difficult. i think i’ve become a lot more conscious of shitty things i say, so i try to stop them, therefore when people do the same shitty things, it makes me feel ultra bad. or when i fuck up and do something shitty, it makes me feel horrendous. like for example, this morning my mom went to the store and asked me if i wanted to go but i was half-asleep because it was like 6 in the morning… but then i was thinking, i shoulda gone with her cause shopping by yourself sucks, and so i stayed up for like an hour thinking that and feeling overly bad over something i couldn’t change. i think stress is killing me… stress that’s made by myself from my new inclination to being overly sensitive. fuck that. give me back my old self…

for 27 years i’ve been trying to believe and confide in,
different people i’ve found.
some of them got closer then others;
some wouldn’t even bother,
and then you came around
i didn’t really know what to call you;
you didn’t know me at all,
but i was happy to explain.
i never really knew how to move you,
so i tried to intrude through
the little holes in your veins…
and i saw you…
but that’s not an invitation;
that’s all i get.
if this is communication,
i disconnect.
i’ve seen you, i know you,
but i don’t know
how to connect….
so i disconnect.
* THE CARDIGANS - COMMUNICATION *

i’m listening to… … and you will know us by the trail of the dead, the blood brothers (no, they do not sound like the fall of troy at all, despite maybe the voice).
i’m feeling… neither here or there, really!

12:51 am — so i like never write in this journal anymore… the reason i thought was because life is soo boring. it might be more boring compared to before… maybe. but it’s not bad. it’s just not as dynamic. before i did all sorts of random stuff… and people would do them, more or less… that, or, if they didn’t, i wouldn’t care and i’d just go and do my own thing. i guess things have changed. and i guess now if people aren’t willing to do things with me, i’d much rather just not do it at all. i guess i’m jaded. why, i’m not entirely sure, because it’s not like i have done everything in the world. in addition to that, though, there is just so much shit to do when i’m in washington regarding redefine — it’s like a constant work that needs to be done, and setting my own schedule is great, sometimes, but i’m losing the willpower. i used to have a lot. but i guess too much lack of a schedule is making things kind of hard. during freshman year i’d get up at like 8 in the morning before class to finish all of my homework. now i can’t even get up if i have planned everything in advance. JAAAADED.

i guess a lot of it is being disappointed by a lot of people. starting a magazine isn’t easy at all, and while there have been a lot lot LOT of people who have helped — some of which were unexpected — there are also a lot who have been quite the opposite… a lot who you’d think would be able to help you the most but in fact let you down the most. it’s not a recent thing, and it has been that way since the inception, and needless to say, it’s disappointing. and it makes you wonder if those people really do give a rat’s ass about you. see, the way i see it is, if a friend of yours has the vision to pursue anything that is passion-based… be it being in a band, or being a dj, or starting a company, as a friend, it’s your duty to give them some kind of support. by telling people, or by attending a show, or whatever the fuck. i am cheap with money, but i wouldn’t NOT go to see a friend’s show just because i’m cheap. if informed about the event, i’d do my best to go and show up to give the support, simply because it’s not easy following any kind of dream, and people need any kind of help they can get. i’ve gone to a handful of shows and done shit i can for friends in bands. i mean, it’s not a helluva lot, but the support is there and shit. and it doesn’t matter if it’s a super good friend — it’s a respect that they are actually trying to do something. and when people don’t reciprocate that kind of thing for something you are trying so fucking hard to do, it’s — needless to say — extremely disheartening. and it makes you think these people must not care that much about you… so why should you care so much about them? and so it comes, the disassembly and disintegration of things… and the not really giving a fuck. i know once upon a time i was a huge flake, and that sucked too… it’s not exactly the same thing, but it’s similar, in a way.

anyway, i’m back at home in california. nothing much to do here, but this is a relatively good break, i think. i have a lot of work to do (although i have spent a large amount of time playing “diablo2″, roflskates). since i’ve decided to play d2, a buttload of poeple have also joined in, although i haven’t really played with any of them except for alex and lenny. what sucks thouhg, is that i left my glasses in washington cause ithought i had a pair here, but i cannot locate them, and staring at the computer for a long time is, essentially, death. but whatevers!!!

we’re having a potluck on friday and i’m going to sherry’s tomorrow for a potluck. wahOo. going back on sunday. going to try and meet up with liz and andy [crossett] on saturday. we’ll see how that goes. maybe meet up with one of my writers in SF as well. we’ll see, though. but the food is good. and this is probably the most people who have been back to cali for break in a long time. so that’s cool. i don’t have too much to say. the last month has consisted of… going to a circa survive show with ben [garrison], attending macguyver marathons @ cynthia’s because she borrowed the whole first season from her friend, went to a spacecraft launch event of their new officespace (lot of pretentious artsy hipster people and snowboarders and stuff, and basically i went with andy and john [gillanders] and none of us knew anyone so we really just did nothing but steal food and shit), playing a lot of diablo2, watching a lot more tv than i’d like, staying up late, waking up late, procrastinating, being frustrated with cd printers who were a week and a half late and therefore delayed the putting out of redefine, crying, attempting to help out in an elementary school classroom (the kids are so fucking cute, but i don’t think i’m really that useful… but i feel bad just kind of leaving after one time and not really saying shit… but the teacher sucks, and … other things…), being emo, getting some part-time contract job doing tech writing transcriptions, spending hours inside of costco like it’s a museum, reading (read “a million little pieces” by james fey, which is a book about a drug addict’s trip through rehab, and i think everyone should read it, “extreme encounters (which is a book on what it’s like to go through different things, like be shot, get stuck in quicksand, get bitten by fire ants, etc… awesome idea but poorly written and could’ve been a helluva lot better), and now i’m reading a book on exorcisms in america (so far its just said how exorcisms are a lot more prevalent than the catholic church knew, and that the whole exorcism craze blew up after hollywood showcased it with “the exorcist”… a sociological book that is not bad at all, especially considering i bought it for $1.99!), playing a lot of “katamari damacy 2″ and some other random crap. but that essentially sums it all up, i think. life is slow now, and it’s relaxing in some ways, but extremely unproductive as well. i function better and stress myself out less when things are fast and regimented, i think. kind of why i wanted to go back to school sometimes, but now that i’m graduated, the motivation is not there. i’m not sure what i’m doing here, but i probably do need to fix… something.

(arlen’s response:)
Howdy do Vee- You know people really genuinely care about you and your endeavor. I think it’s a bit extremist and unreasonable to presumptuously assume people don’t care about you just because they don’t make a contribution to your mag in the way you foresaw it. That really bothers me, but not because you’re being judgemental. You’re being so damn hard on yourself! STFU NOOB. I’d donate $100 to your mag if I had it, but certain things don’t allow me to do so (e.g., debt, it’s not easy living without asking your parents for money). It doesn’t mean people don’t care about you god damnit! People are just the fucking product of their circumstance; if I was a spoiled rich valley girl who didn’t give a fuck about your mag, I could easily donate $1000 to amuse myself as I laid in my lawn chair getting fed grapes by a few male strippers. All I’m saying is that’s just a terrible and inaccurate way to quantify if someone cares about your endeavor, and an even worse way to qualify whether someone cares about you. SO STFU AND FEEL GOOD ABOUT YERSELF NOOB, Arlen

i’m listening to… harold faltemayer, in flames.

3:37 am — i play “ninja gaiden 1″ for like 4 hours today trying to beat it. i have to say, i think it’s easier than the second one, but jesus christ man. arlen got to the last boss and you have ONE life (with full health) to defeat him or you have to start all over from the beginning of an extremely difficult stage. RIDICULOUS. i hit the boss a bunch of time and took off ONE BAR of life. WTF.

planned parenthood is a cool place. they’re doing good things — unless, of course, you’re a religious right-wing and you don’t approve of any kind of birth control or methodology except for abstinence (hey kids, abstinence education doesn’t work!)

i cooked food for lenny today aaa haa ahaa. i pity da foo who marries me (if that so happens). i mean, there’s worse, but there’s more better.

so much to do but i just want to play videogames. having a nintendo is the bane of my existence.

my eyes are pretty much all better. i wonder what it was. vitamin deficiency? seriously? that seems awful strange…

liz is coming to stay over this thursday. wewt, wewt…!! halloween parties this weekend for teh win! and freak night!

i’m listening to… the new amsterdams, death cab for cutie, copeland.

1:53 am — i’m not made for having a boyfriend. i don’t know how to operate it. crashing into walls, and who the hell am i? i feel like i barely know myself. is it because of changing situations with friends? with life… i don’t know what it is but things feel so right and wrong at the same time ha. i wonder if the happiness outweighs the unhappy. probably. this sounds fucking stupid. i don’t care.

today i didn’t invite lenny to hsu-han’s dinner, under the impression that it’s not my birthday; i don’t have authority to invite people. oh yeah, is that what people do? invite their boyfriends to events? it’s a foreign idea to me… but it’s normal, isn’t it… why does it seem so strange to me? where does the disconnect come in, and why?

it seems like when i’m trying to by considerate i’m always issuing the wrong things as worthy of consideration, or i just fuck it all up, or no one notices or cares. i’m not made for this. i know if… or when… this ends, i’m going to be a mess. so much that cannot be put into words.

there’s nothing worse than having the feeling that you’re worthless and that you’re a shitty person and that you can’t do anything right. people can say anything about how great you are or how cool they think you are but in the end it doesn’t mean shit. everyone is haunted by their own demons and it’s funny how tweaking by certain people can make such a huge effect.

i’m in limbo, and it shouldn’t be like this. one person shouldn’t have so much power over another. and i don’t think i like it. i know i don’t like it. i am so fucking weak. and i can’t fucking stand it. i can’t stand myself. i can see how people can get lost in each other. can live to live with other people constantly so that you don’t have to live with the potential of losing. you don’t have to think anymore. that’s why two crackheads can stay together forever (says christ rock).

with every fight comes so much doubt. to the point of challenging everything that is good. what are fatal flaws and what aren’t? can everything be worked out? how do you make decisions like this ha… i can’t stand making decisions like this. i don’t know how to operate emotions. my own have never been manipulated in such a way and it’s like a rollercoaster of doom. i said i wanted to die atop a burning rollercoaster that plunges into a fiery pit from an earthquake opening up the earth, but not like this! not an emotional one!

but really, the kicker is the expectations for how people should act. and it’s easy to say how you want people to act without going through the same scenario yourself. but in some cases, i do see what i would do in similar situations, and i KNOW it’s different from what is done. my expectations for what other people would do with regards to me are what i would do in the same scenario, but it’s not always what other people would do. and most of the time it’s disappointing. and well, you just have to wonder why… obviously, people are different. but do they act different simply because they don’t know how? or they care less? or it doesn’t cross their mind? so hard to explain.

send out an s.o.s. call;
it’s a quarter past 4 in the morning
and the storm broke a second anchor line.
four months at sea,
for months of calm seas to be pounding
in the shallows of the tip of montauk point.
the calm rose;
they travel fast and alone.
one hundred foot faces –
god’s good ocean gone wrong.
they call love is a risk –
you always get hit out of nowhere
by some wave and end up on your own.
the hole in the hull defied the crews attempts
to bail us out…
the flood in the engine radio,
half-buried bow…
your tongue is a rudder
that steers the whole ship;
sends your words past your lips
and keeps them safe behind your teeth…
but the wrong words will strand you;
come off course while you sleep,
sweep your boat out to sea
or dashed to bits on the reef…
vessels chromes –
the ocean pressures its frame
to the port i see the lighthouse through the sleet and the rain.
and i wish for
one more day
to give me love and repay debts
but the morning finds our bodies washed up
thirty miles west…
they say that the captain stays staff with the ship
through still and storm…
but this ain’t the dakota,
and the water’s cold.
won’t have to fight for long…
this is the end…
this story’s old but it goes on and on until it disappears.
call me
and let me taste the salt you breathe when you were underneath.
i am the one who haunts your dreams of
mountains sunk below the sea
i spoke the words but never
gave a thought to what they all could mean.
i know that this is what you want.
a funeral keeps both of us apart.
you know that you are not alone.
need you like water in my lungs.
this story’s old but it goes on and on until we disappear.
BRAND NEW - PLAY CRACK THE SKY.

i’m listening to… the weakerthans, “a whole new world” rofls, theory of a deadman, tom cochrane, tom jones & the cardigans, trace adkins, van halen, minus the bear, kanye west, aerosmith, aaron lines, led zeppelin that some douche labeled as aerosmith those fuckers.

4:04 am - it’s 4:04 — why am i awake!!
i took an involuntary nap from 9 - 12. whenever i sleep early, i always wake up halfway through the night with the inability to fall back asleep. every time. i don’t know why i even try anymore. or maybe i don’t really try. i always used to do this too - take a nap at like 11 for an hour, get up at midnight, and then do what i do… it’s odd, and it only happens when i’m at home. don’t know why, really. i’m nocturnal. jea.

so call me a gullible tool, but i searched this site extensively and i’ve decided to buy a pair of the regular rings: http://www.alexchiu.com. i really think there are way too many testimonials to make it seem fake… but /shrug, maybe he’s not posting the REJECTS. i wouldn’t doubt it. he IS chinese after all A HA HA HA.

so i am officially hitched. k, not really. but i have a boyfriend now. ah ha ha ha. i would not have thunkit like this really. his name is lenny. most of you probably know of him at least. it took me a while to decide that i was ready to commit to anything… i’ve always had the mentality that maybe something else better will come along and since i haven’t dated much, who knows, right? that’s why i didn’t want a real relationship but after getting intimate with him or whatever, i’ve met people that i have been interested in, but i haven’t found anyone better.

one of them was awesome up until i found out he was a liar and a fake and he’s good at saying the right things only because he thinks them through too much. the other is cute as hell but just talks too much about things that are boring. anyway. i think it’s been long enough, i think, and it’s about time. even though he has pissed me off. a lot. but it’s alright. men are at their core douches, am i right? HAW HAW just kidding. sorta! but i’m sure i can whip him into shape. i know it!! HAW. anyways, looking back on the official dates of when problems were generally rare and feelings were generally happy, the official relationship begin date is at august 8th, when we went to portland with arlen and farm[ula/ing].

josh is on his way to kuwait i think. THAT FUCKER. he better fucking take care of his raunchy ass. he better fucking err. down krew’s #1 chump. no dizzle.

this past weekend we had a little shindig at our new place on 7th ave in apartment 409. it was mostly good, a lotta people, too many videogames, and cleared out a little too fast for my liking. i don’t dig the videogames at parties, but i have no authority.

that day before the party alex and i went 409 and pledge-wipe on the apartment and owned all of the disease-causing mold. HOORAHS FOR US.

i’m going to try writing in here again. when i have the time. wish i hadn’t stopped writing from august 16th to septembr 28th. i wonder what those days held. i’m obsessed with chrologizinizing (not a word) time. it’s strange. but i am obsessed with memories and thoughts. maybe i just like hearing myself talk too much. or maybe i just don’t want to forget more than i already do…

lenny’s helping me piece together the missing days. cause his memory is freakishly good for some things…

[08/20] at some point, zach came up from portland and stayed a few days. i must admit, it was a little weird. the guy doesn’t talk much. this would be mommy’s birthday, and phil and i were gonna buy flowers but agreed it’d be better if he just bought them and walked over there and delivered them to her. save money and it’d be more personal too. saw better than ezra on this day. they were decent, some weird show at some weird park in bellevue. mostly families. we were probably the only “teenagers” (although not really) there. MORE LATER. —>

[08/21] ate weed brownie’s @ jesse’s place. they didn’t work very well cause him and karam got their strainer taken away by roger who moved, and so the motherfuckers messed up. ;[ waste of $10. speaking of, jesse, that motherfucker, owes me money. whatever. very very lame high.

i’m thinking being a teacher would be cool. starting monday i’m volunteering with this lady at a public school downtown for being a helper for kindergarteners in literacy. wewtz0r. english for the win.

can’t wait to get back to seattle. oh yeah, i’ve been at home in cali for the last week or so. umm… i’ve been having some annoying eye problems and so my parentals wanted me to come home to relax. grandpa’s here too because him and mom are going to china. i never have anything to talk to him about really, unfortunately… sigh grandpa is so good!

my eye problems have been something like nystagmus. i don’t know, though, because only one nurse has said that and everyone else has been completely clueless and unhelpful. i’ve gone to four doctors and one emergency room visit. the first doctor was a primary care physician and didn’t know shit. he said my feeling of lying down and having a warm sensation come from my ear was probably due to earwax buildup. and flushed my ears. in a painful way with a stupid water hose device. and the shit didn’t help, as i could have told the motherfucker. and it cost me a hundred bucks, that douchebag. god i swear to god i hate doctors. i’ll killem all! no but seriously, if you have a problem, research the shit out of it first so that you can tell them you think it’s something because you know your symptoms better than you can ever describe. and doctors don’t listen to lengthy lists and they always form opinions way too quick. it’s no good. one of my doctors even said after seeing me once, “i have no idea. see another doctor.” this was after i got an mri which proved negative to tumors and sinusitis. and it’s going to burn a hole into our fucking pockets. fuck.

one thing though — nystagmus can be brought on by drug use, and i do think that’s what it was. after doing 2ci — which was fucking rad btw — i could make myself hallucinate. jesse’s done it, and he can do it too. all i can say is, i love the drugs, but i think i’m done. really. cept for maybe weed. but i don’t even really care for it, so that’s no prob. i also think perhaps it is attributed to when me and sherry and other ppl took a 30 minute boat ride back from an island in italy and we kept our face over the side of the boat the entire time. WHAT THE FUCK WERE WE THINKING? okay, i take it back. THAT was probably the winner. i think my tear ducts are fucked. and then there’s the unstoppable crying…

last time — probably about a week ago — lenny went with me to the emergency room because it felt like me eyes were gonna bulge out of my head or something. think i had a panic attack there. i was seeing weird shit, weird flashes, feeling all nervous and jittery… BLEH, weird. maybe i’m way stressed out and i just don’t know it… i DO know i’m tense all the time, so maybe i should start meditating. i swear i should but sometimes meditation makes me feel weird — maybe because i don’t know how to do it properly.

anyway, copy and pasted from xanga…
so alex has gotten into this thing within the past ohhh four months or something where if he feels sick, he buys an emer’gen’c and takes it. for those who don’t know, it’s a water-soluble mix of vitamins. put it in a bottle of water and you’ve got yourself a health-sickness-combatant. well, in the wake of my eye problems and hearing from my parents that perhaps it’s a vitamin deficiency, i’ve started taking emer’gen’c’s. and that, combined with centrum and what not, has helped my eyes immensely. maybe it’s just a coincidence. i don’t know. but i don’t care. it seems like it has been working now our whole apartment (well, 6 out of 7 people) take it. GOOD JOB ALEX. STARTING A REVOLUTION IN 409. alex and arlen have also devised a giant fda cover-up conspiracy theory. vitamins are not fda approved. none are. why? pharmaceutical companies comprise such a huge portion of the u.s. economy that without them — say, if vitamins really could cure every disease like somepeople believe — the economy would hurt even more. OH SORRY I GUESS ARLEN AND FARM DEVISED IT, NOT ARLEN AND ALEX! who knows. makes sense to me. it DEFINITELY is suspicious that the fda never have done tests on vitamins, though. it seems in the natural scheme of things, doesn’t it? been getting a lot of awesome chinese meals because people keep treating grandpa to them as a courtesy thing… so eating is good.

and i’ve been reading a lot — there’s way too much reading material around here. we got united mileage points that were allotted for free magazines, so i have like a fatty stack of them — all over the board, from blender to wired to seventeen. GOOD SHIT. i like it. and my brother always buys shitloads of books and tosses them, so i’ve been reading them. too bad they’re all similar types of books. after reading “the client” by john grisham — the 600 words in 2 days — i started another similar murder-mystery type thing and got bored in about two seconds. i need something a little different to sandwich between it. there’s the “left behind” series of biblical rapture stories, but that’s a no thanks on many levels. cause the shit scares me and cause … no thanks.

i swear to god dude. TRAPT is such a shitty damn godamn band. what the hell.

there’s freak night again this year. THE FUCKING LIARS. they said last year was the last one. LIARS. i wanna be a tetris piece this year. KEKEKKEE.

i also signed up for mfa… it’s a political awareness organization that you can volunteer for. i signed up with the hopes that if i help them out, i can get tickets to the sold-out death cab for cutie show. fingers crossed.

also got a $600 freelance webdesign offer for an freelance writer. wish i would have charged more, though, cause it seems like it might be more work than i initially thought…

i’m not in too much of a rush to find a real job. i’m such a bum. still working part time. i just am rich in the bank account though, so i don’t really feel a need to look too hard. but i should… i don’t know, from now until the end of the year the money should be rolling in pretty OK. definitely enough for survival. i still am owed $50 by chris, $100 by eric, $100 more from a website revamp i did, a $1,000 mini-magazine/catalog design thing on nutrition, the $600 webdesign thing, my part time anti-tobacco job should bring in about $300 a month… i’ve $2,000 from working for a week and a half @ a job tim got me coding css for some design interactive firm. those motherfuckers. didn’t even let me go with a goodbye rofl. but luckily for me, i have a book of one of the co-workers jim (okay, he was cool, so i should give it back) and an illustrator and indesign book. not like they’re going to use em… :0 anyway, BASICALLY I THINK I CAN LIVE WITHOUT SELLING OUT TO THE MAN JUST YET. i’m just banking on the magazine doing a lot better, really fast, because the last issue got so fast so quickly that i think it’s possible again… but it needs time, and i need the time, and TIME. AND TIME.

“HELP MEH! HELP MEH PLEASE!”
i think i’m satisfied. i THINK i know what i’m doing “give me a high-five!!!” god, the wayans bros. was fucking GENIUS. corny, in retrospect, but still, genius!! GENEEIUAASS.

i do know, that for as long as i’m feeling good, though, i’m going to explore. and live as it should be lived… andy [crossett] is bored of being holed up in our apartment because people don’t care about going out that much. i agree. it’s time to learn and live and explore and find something to do. it’s always better with a buddy. so we’re going to stop cooping ourselves up in our apartment and start harrassing bitches.

i’m listening to… the postal service.

11:41 pm - holy fucking shit time goes by fast. just looking at today’s date after not thinking about it for so long makes me wonder where all the time went.

so nothing really horrendously good as of lately. i feel like shit and the worst part is i don’t know if it’s all in my head or if i’m actually feeling like shit! i’ve been having some eye discomfort in my right eye and i’ve seen like three eye doctors and none of them could see anything wrong with me… so finally the last one said i should get an mri to make sure everything is okay.

first off, mris are those big long white tubes you see on tv shows that you go inside of. THEY ARE SERIOUSLY THE WORST THING EVER. i thought i was going to faint like 4 times, and i had to blink my eyes every second just about to even stay awake and focused on anything. there was like a huge amount of pressure in my head for some reason - seriously feels like my brain is bleeding or something. it’s probably not, but its so strange. but yeah. mri = miserable. i hope none of you ever have to get one :0 although it seems rather common for people to get one eventually…

last night i ate hash brownies with lenny and andy. as well as crab. mm, crab. i bought it from uwajimaya and it needed to be slaughtered. poor things. one died pretty early on and lenny ripped off the shell and stuff okay. the other one he THOUGHT was dead wasn’t really dead, and as he was ripping off his shell, the crab started moving and he freaked out and stopped ripping it off halfway. and so he had to go back and do it again, and then the heart was still beating. so he stabbed it. not sure if that worked. think it did. gross… so gross. the insides of crabs are gross. and they fucking cost me $30. motherfuck.

anyways, back to the hash brownies. it was uh, cool and all. at first. i’ve never had any kind of problem with any kind of drug in my years of using drugs, so this was really really weird for me. i couldn’t fall asleep cause my eye was bothering me (as usual), so i decided to take an aleve. why i didn’t take the advil i don’t know, but i took the aleve instead because i was feeling so miserable and was thinking, “well, aleve is stronger so…”

so i took that, and a while later i started twitching uncontrollably sort of. it felt like i was on speed. couldn’t control my body and involuntary muscle spasms. not the first person to get this from aleve, from what i’ve read… but jesus christ man! it probably is cause i’m allergic to it or something and the marijuana just elevated the side-effects (since that’s what marijuana usually does with any other drug — elevate it) and so it felt especially bad and uncontrollable. don’t know when it finally stopped — i guess after i actually passed out in bed after sitting on the couch half-watching tv and half-not thinking for a while. i also have like hives on my face — i know this because i’ve gotten them when i was allergic to alcohol before — and that just so happens to be a side-effect of aleve. so shit. no more aleve. ever…! and i don’t suggest you take it either.

so twitchy. still… what’s goin on!!!!!!!!