inside the wonderful world of vee

december 31st, 2004 (meow)

i’m listening to… anadivine, baby vox, mewithoutyou, bijou.
i’m feeling… k, k, k…

1:55 pm — quite the entertaining new year’s if i do say so myself.

ummm let’s see, at around 7 we met up @ in-n-out (aka LOVE) in san ramon… with jeremy, juliam, spencer, shaun, sherry, gerrine, and elaine… then we went to safeway and bought some alcoholic drinks (yay, for once everyone is 21… HAZAHHHH!)… then we went to berkeley and went to sherry’s apartment. we were originally supposed to go to san francisco, but it was raining like a shitball. it stopped, thou, but by then we were ehhh too lazy to go to the city and crap. in the car sherry was like, “so… it’s not raining… anyone still wanna go to the city?” **silence**. lol… and later people wanted to go, but by then… eh, laziness.

we basically just sat around… lol, me and gerrine just moved from spot to spot and barely talked to anyone new… and we were like, “damn we’re good, we’ve talked to no one!” lol… whatever thou, the people were not that horribly exciting anyway. lol, they were talking about how they were really “unchivalrous” guys… and how they don’t open the doors for girls. this one fobby guy was like, “i just auto-unlock the door for them, and they can open it themselves… those extra two seconds will help you get to the next level, if you know what i mean.” yeaaaah he wasn’t gonna get to the next level yesterday X:

and then spencer and i were talking about music, and he hates finch and thrice because he hates so-cal bands or something… oh well, at least he likes incubus and apc. but then he started saying how so-cal punk is just like fast country music, and then about how country music is just bitching and moaning to a beat… and i told him to tell that to sherry, and then they ended up getting into a huge argument about it HAHA. cause michaela and lori are hella into country music too - and it was just good times. lots of arguing. and sherry was like “GET THE SHIT OUT!” and she was hella mad. but spencer is a freak - he just likes to disagree with everyone, i swear. he thinks VIN DIESEL is a good actor for god’s sake. and he said keanu reeves was bomb. WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU!! :0

then i was bored from sitting around @ sherry’s parti, so i decided to go with jeremy, spencer, juliam, and shaun to juliam’s friend’s party… it was like… a 12 block walk or something, but it felt hella short. when we got there, it was like 10 guys per every one girl or something, so jeremy, shaun, and spencer kept yelling out things like, “IT SMELLS LIKE COCK!” and crap like that +__+ silly asians, they had all this club musak on… and well, it would have been horrendously boring, except me, jeremy, juliam, and shaun were just watching spencer try to mack on this girl the whole time. and jeremy’s conclusion was that, “lazy asian girls go for the white guys because all white guys all have yellow fever.” hah. spencer seemed to be doing pretty well for himself, except then this one move he had, where he just went up next to her and put his arm around her all un-sly like… i think that did it. we were just waiting around for spencer to get some, but that went to hell. haha. yeah, lots of bad dancing from people who thought themselves amazng, thou, i think. spencer’s hitting on her thou, was sOoOoOo frickin funny.

on the way back to sherry’s apartment, spencer decided to climb this metal pole, but shaun couldn’t give him a big enough boost up… (there were handlebars like… ehh i dunno, 15 feet up or something), and so he went to climb one of those wooden poles with the powerlines on it? (with handlebars like 10 feet up), so shaun gave him a boost, and then he climbed it up like… couple stories of building. i was getting freaked out just watching him -__x

back at sherry’s we watching some wayans bros crap on tv, and listened to the country music countdown hahahaha… -__-’ elaine and gerrine passed out mad early… and then we decided to go home… juliam drove us home cause she had sobered up BUT OMG SHE’S A HELLA BAD DRIVER. -__- she almost ran us into a couple islands and was going like 45 on the freeway… lol. jeremy kept telling her what to do heh. there was hella traffic on the way back, and i guess there was this huge accident… well, so we thought. there were like 5 fire trucks, ambulances, and police cars too… but turns out it was just one car… there’s a wall on the freeway, cept you have to go up this little hill sorta, and the car just got 0wnt. i bet the people died.

alright, i’ve got a new year’s resolution: be happy.

emily’s under blankets,
tucked in by paramedics,
a lullaby of sirens flood this town.
and i’ve got a bad idea where envy
drinks till my eyes get heavy;
my alibi just seems so watered down.
and i hear the voice of your mother screaming,
“run for cover!”
emily’s so attractive:
a white dress in her black casket,
a color scheme that surely haunts me now.
and i’ve got a new idea,
excuse me, sink in this ocean, help.
i’m telling lies as i begin to drown.
he will feed the flame,
and i see her in the arms of another;
did you - did you ever curse my name?
it isn’t enough - murder.
my arms are now reaching for your neck.
dearest, i’m falling in love
with your
downfall from grace;
forgive me, this is my fault, and i’m sorry.
forgive me for leaving you this way.
my valentine in chalked outline…
you’re finally mine.
don’t make a sound.
sleep underground.
ANADIVINE - EMILY.

—

december 30th, 2004 (rekindling old times)

i’m listening to… brand new.
i’m feeling… k, k, k…

2:12 am — dinner tonight at james and nancy’s place… a reunion of all sorts, and it was GREAT to see everyone again. josh who i haven’t seen in like two years (which is weird since i used to see him everyday and lived at his house), tina, annie, andy, angie, james, chris [kuo], ellen (omg i haven’t seen her for like sx years, literally), rex, nancy, maryanne, jason etc… man, it rocked. after all these years, people are still the same, for the most part… and it’s good. it’s great. and good food, on top of that. very good food. ^^ so weird how everyone grows up and moves away and drifts apart. annie, andy, and tina are all getting married this year… freaking crazi as hell… especially since they’re all in the same family lol. crrrraaaaaaaaazi. o__O i’ll be scared when people our age start getting married. cause that’s just freaky. X:

afterwards, went to dave and busters (after leaving like an hour late, because we kept waiting for people to arrive and crap) with sherry and met up with jeremy, jason, dave [lee], phil [nho], dahye, nelson, and their friends spencer and shaun and i don’t know who else. it was way too freaking crowded. took like 15 minutes to get a drink. i was sober thou. had to drive. i beat “time crisis 2″ finally - first time ever beating that one… so now i’ve beaten all 3! yay! ^__^ i <3 <3 <3 that game to death. i can pwnt all teh boiz. but yeah that was cool... conversation on the way back was quite amusing... and i feel better for the now-part. and tomorrow should be fun. :]

i like studying people. it's so fascinating, how they act... :0

---

december 29th, 2004 (play crack the sky)

i'm listening to... skoop on somebody.
i'm feeling... meh.

3:26 pm -- i watched "sideways" with sherry, jeanette, and stephanie... meh, it was okay... a little slow, and it was depressing... pretty much nothing happy about the movie at all. the ending was SOMEWHAT hopeful, but it was unresolved, so it could have ended in disaster as well, just like the rest of the godamn movie.

we went to barnes and nobles and i bought "scarlet letter" and "survivor" by chuck palanhiuk... after watching that dreaded movie, all i wanted to do was go home and read myself to death. -__- so i ended up finishing "life expectancy" by dean koontz, and started on "interview with the vampire" by anne rice. shitload of books just lying around that need to be read... i'll read pretty much any book people give me, but it takes me a lot to actually like an author. but "barrel fever" by david sedaris -- oh my god that is like the most amusing book ever. david sedaris is my freaking herooooooooo. oh weird, i just happened to be writing about david sedaris and hsu-ken IMed to tell me that he FINALLY finished the "me talk pretty one day" i lent him like in the summer. that biotch.

i brought home my snowboard for no reason. the weather is so freaking shitty here... hella rainy and hella windy... so much for snowboarding. T__T

i want to listen to brand new soo bad, but i don't have any here. T_________________________________________T

man i'm starting to hate coming home for extended periods of time. i get annoyed so easily when i'm here... i hate it, but i can't freaking help it. i don't want to do anything, and i don't really care to see anyone... :/ what the fuck is wrong with me. susan said it makes sense that a person like me gets depressed because i don't seem to have any problems and i seem to have a flawless past.

HA. i laugh. if only you knew ^__^ but so much for the past. la la la. but i can't help it, being @ home reminds me of too much shit, and you don't know how often i just want to punch the shit out of a wall or of someone's face or something X: even thou i'm not really a violent person... thisssss... i cannot help. and believe you me, i've tried. it just makes me feel so shitty, and it makes me think all fucked up... and in ways i'm glad shit happens because it can change you in a positive way, but then on the flipside, i wish no one ever had to go thru that kind of shit ever... it can make you a better person, but it can kill you at the same fucking time. i feel so hopeless. maybe it's the time of the month, heh.

i just wish the reaction i got was a lot better, but what the fuck can you expect... asoidjoaijoihiojweauohroawijeaweasfoanod. people seem to heal over time. i seem to be sinking deeper. and i just need something, whatever, anything. i barely even feel like i'm alive these days. and all i can think is how much of a waste it all is, and when will i be able to get something better and more deserved... and will i be happy when i'm there?

well at least, fuck yeah, sun-oh is sending me the godamn "deja entendu" album... hoorahhhhhh.

the vessel groads, the ocean pressures its frame.
off the port i see the lighthouse through the sleet and rain.
and i wish for one more day to give my love and repay debts.
but the morning finds our bodies washed up thirty miles west.
they say that the captain stays fast with the ship through still and storm.
but this ain't the dakota, and the water is cold.
we won't have to fight for long.
this is the end.
this story's old but it goes on and on until we dissappear.
calm me and let me taste the salt you breathed while you were underneath.
i am the one who haunts your dreams of mountains sunk below the sea.
i spoke the words but never gave a thought to what they all could mean.
i know that this is what you want.
a funeral keeps both of us apart.
you know that you are not alone.
need you like water in my lungs.
this is the end.
BRAND NEW - PLAY CRACK THE SKY.

---

december 28th, 2004 (...)

i'm watching... girl, interrupted.
i'm feeling... kkk.

12:54 am -- "girl, interrupted" is a friggin fascinating movie. :0 T__T i impulse-bought it yesterday. lord knows why. -__-

hobo parti, wewt wewt.

i have high hopes for the new year... why, i don't know... i just hope intuition's right this time. cause it's a 50/50. but shit, shouldn't it be my time? X: I'M SICK OF WAITING AROUND GODAMNIT. I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR 21 YEARS.

and cali water = flaky nails. NEGATIVE PTS. i hope it snows in washington when i go back ^__^

oh, and i LOVE knowing i'm right. there isn't a better feeling than when you're thinking, "hmm, what if i hadn't done that..." and then being able to rest assured that you make the best godamn decisions ever. ;P

and w0w winona ryder is beautiful too. :0

---

december 27th, 2004 (drama fo fo momma)

i'm listening to... nothing.
i'm feeling... kkk.

11:39 pm -- just got home. went out with dave [lee], sherry, claire, dahye, fontaine, and jeanette... lmao. funny thing. we went to edgie's (good god, every time i go play pool now i realize how boring it is after like one game) and there was this sort of cute girl there... and i guess jeanette looked at her cause she thought she was good-looking, and the girl gave her a dirti ass look back... and so jeanette returned it. and then as we were walking away, jeanette was like, "turn around. that white girl is hella staring at me." so we turned around, and that girl kinda looked up like, "WHAT BITCH!" with a shoulder-shrug thing... and we just kinda laughed for a bit, and the girl was trying to get over there but her boyfriend was like holdin her back lmao. so...

girl: wtf is your problem.
jeanette: you're just funny.
girl: i'm funny? why am i funny? you wanna go outside bitch? what's your problem?
jeanette: i don't have a problem. i just think your'e fucking funny.
girl: why do you keep staring at me? you want me or something?
jeanette: don't flatter yourself, bitch.
girl: (walking away, but turns around again) what?
jeanette: nothing, you're just funny.
girl: what's so funny?
jeanette: your little man or boyfriend or whatever had to hold you back. whatever.
(so we all start walking away...)
girl: you leave with all your fob friends.
(and so dahye gets mad...)
dahye: what're you talking about fob friends?
(so dave holds dahye back...)
and so end drama.

lmao. i always hear stories about drama momma girls who give each other bad looks and start shit over it... but didn't think i'd actually see it. fucking funny dude. X: who the fsck really cares if another girl is staring at you... get a fscking life!...

and then yeah on the way to tapioca express i started turning into a handicapped space, and then realized it was handicapped, so i changed my mind and started going to the space right next to it, but i honked my horn by accident, and me and dave were just laughing there for like a minute... and then i finally got to another parking spot and we were just laughing like idiots again. it was really funny for some reason.

good stupid laughs. good shit. and lots of reciting by dave and sherry of russell peters skits. good god. funny as that man is... good god! one can only take so much!

(!)beeleh!

this poison's my intoxication:
broke the needle off in my skin.
picked the scabs,
and picked the bleeding,
and assumed that it was all in vain.
a positive scab that's never healing:
calloused hit me in the face.
a burning rbidge that's so misleading:
poson's more potent now with the flame.
let it bleed.
take the red for what it's worth.
watch the fire
fill your lungs with smoke for the last time.
if you feel like dying,
you might wanna sing.
THE USED - LET IT BLEED.

---

december 26th, 2004 (;0)

i'm listening to... nothing.
i'm feeling... mmhmm!

11:18 pm -- i just bought my third mario + shroom majiks shirt: http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&rd=1&item=6731595754&ssPageName=STRK:MEWN:IT... wanted this one for a damned long time now. :0 wewt X: (i am a huge loser). aaah god, i need to grow up. -__-'

today was a day of nothingness. made a wallet... but damn, those things are hard work. you have to layer like madness... no wonder wallets are so expensive. :0 well at least i don't have to go to church anymore ^__^

going to the infamous haight street tomorrow. wewt ~ and then it's time for sleepage. ^__^

---

december 25th, 2004 (don we now our gay apparel)

i'm listening to... my brother playing madden on the ps2.
i'm feeling... mmhmm!

9:18 pm -- so yesterday morning me, sherry, and jeanette put together sack lunches, with pretzels from halloween, sandwiches, water, and these "decadent" chocolate cookies. ^__^ then we met up with elaine and handed them out at the infamous people's park in berkeley. god, i forgot how much i looove berkeley. i'm a freak. X: people's park is the place where all the bums hang out, right by the uc berkeley dorms. i thought it'd be hard to get rid of 75 sack lunches, but it was fsckin easy as hell. X: it didn't look like there were any homeless people there when we first stopped by, but soon they just started popping out of trees, and busting up out of the dirt and shit, like zombies! (no, not really, but how did they hide so well?)

we gave out socks too, cause apparently socks are the #1 thing homeless people ask for. and a lot of them did want them. although i guess jeanette brought a lot that were her moms and they were like, "EHHH these won't fit." and gave em back. lol. and some were like, "what? black? we want white ones!" or "do you have any other colors?" and i was like, "BITCH! THIS SHIT BE FREE, YOU CAN'T BE PICKY!" (no, not really, i didn't say that)

this one guy kept asking us for lunches and then we kept giving them to him... and he asked again, and i was like, "dude! you've gotten like five lunches already!" and he was like, "no, i only got one!" and i was like, "you've gotten at LEAST three... i've been counting!" and he's like, "ahh okay, fine, you got me." lol... so funny. hugs from two random homeless men... score! a lot of really young guys... :[ and little kids too... and later we had some leftover, so we were like, "take more! take more!" and they're like, "ahhh okay fine... if you insisssst..."

this one couple was like fighting LOL... screaming at each other and shit... which was really funny, cause the guy was like, "I TRY TO GET AWAY FRM YOU EVERY NIGHT. EVERY NIGHT I WANT TO JUST DIE. I TRIED LAST NIGHT... BUT THEN I WOKE UP WITH YOU RIGHT NEXT TO ME!" X: lol. sad, but funny. and then in his fury he pushed down this old guy who was kind of in his way, and then at first was like, "sorry, but don't get in my way next time!," but then was like, "oh shit, sorry man, sorry," and helped the guy up. flaring tempers are a scary thing X:

and then at night we had some people over for dinner. and it was yummy. and my godparents gave me ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS, HOLY MONKEY SHIT :0

and today we went to cache creek LMAO... which is a freaking casino. pretty much everyone there was asian. as expected. the buffet was AWESOME. wish i had eaten more now, though. and uhhh... wanted to play texas hold-em, but there were only like six tables and the waiting list was huge. i played a little weird ass poker (not sure what kind it was) and lost $10 pretty fast, and then decided that - as previously thought - gambling = evil and not for me. my brother, mom, and dad all lost $40 each. pwnt. only asian people... going to casinos on christmas. :0 well, and some mexicans. and a few white people. but mostly asians.

(lenny's response:)
Did you get it on with your godparent's daughter like we planned?

01] When/How did we meet?---- Our friendship is a strange one since we started talking online, and didn't meet each other for like 5 months. I think we started talking somewhere between January and April? You were like omfg who are you! And i was like your worst nightmare11. Then like I met you in person finally at your white trash party, where I was going to say my name was Bruce, cuz I'm a fscking shizophrenic. But Lewis was like Vivian! Vivian, Lenny, Lenny Vivian. And you were like nice to meetcha! I was all like HI! Thats the only thing we really said to each other that night.

02] Have we ever met in person & have we hung out?---- Technically no. The person you've been seeing is not me. It is some dude I'm paying to pretend to be me. Cuz I'm really hideous in real life. And yes you've hung out with him.

03] What was your 1st impression of me?---- First online impression was like auch mein leben! When we first met at that party I remember you seemed shy, then you got crazy and told people to stfu and yeah I was like holy shit this girl is awesome. And no I'm not confusing Eva for you~

04] Have we ever talked on the phone?---- Yeah but never longer than like 2 minutes :p

05] Have you ever seen me cry?---- I didn't even know you had tear ducts.

06] Have you ever seen me dance?---- Yes with my hidden camera. (no)

07] Have you ever seen me drunk/high?---- Drunk yes. High yes. Wait... high no.

08] If you can spend a day with me, what would we do?---- Run around dressed as ninjas during lunch hour giving Redefine Mags to unsuspecting target audience-ish people! Followed by a trip to the zoo. Where we would convince the zoo handlers to let us play with the chimps by telling them that I am a dying cancer patient. Later I would be mauled.

09] Have we ever gotten in a fight?---- Not yet, but soooon. It wont end till one of us is dead or paralyzed.

10] If you could give me a gift, what would it be?---- A monkey who pooped hardboiled eggs, delicious hardboiled eggs. You love eggs.

11] Would you hug me?---- Hugs are love.

12] Would you kiss me?---- Kissing transmits A.I.D.S.

13] What major thing do we have in common?---- What things do we not have in common! Am I right miss soulmate?!

14] What is my best feature?---- YYour sexy sexy brain.

15] Have u ever liked me?---- I'm not sure if i even know the answer to this. No really.

16] Have you ever made me laugh/have i ever made you laugh?---- Every time I talk to you I laugh. It better be the same for you or there will be much beatings!

17] Describe me using four or less words?---- delerious lonely love pig

(my response:)
nope, thought about it though.

---

december 23rd, 2004 (mmmmm)

i'm listening to... senses fail.
i'm feeling... mmhmm!

2:52 pm -- yup, i am the master of emo! but i have always been... and i think i dunno all people who write poetry are emo monsters, closet or not. yeah i do bitch a lot. but, meh. don't judge me!

loc sent me a shiiitload of socks... like twenty pairs... some of which he bought, and some which he got from other people. and it cost $22 to ship so that i got it today :[ what a nice guy. tomorrow morning, me, sherry, jeanette, elaine, and maybe sherry's parents? are going to make sandwiches, and give them out, along with bottled water, cookies, pretzels, and socks... since apparently socks are what homeless people want the most.

armor for sleep is our cover band for january - so far... think we're going to get an interview with anberlin too... and fountains of wayne... in which case they'd probably be the cover band. wewt. shit is hard, man! but iono, i think it's going... okay.

time to clean hoose. people coming over tomorrrrrrri.

for some reason i haven't gotten my grade for my sociology of black americans class... uhh i'm worried the professor didn't get my paper. X: but yay! 2.65 gpa so far wewt, i am so smrt, s-m-r-t.

9:33 pm -- lol, i found the MOTHERLOAD on myspace... of kids from my old hometown in pleasanton, where i went to high school. god, people are so extremely different now. every other kid is a little skater rocker kid. it's quite different. quite different, indeed. but suburbia always WAS predictable? at least the complaints are the same, and that hasn't changed: "there's nothing to do in p-town."

my high school too... looks absurdly different now. pretty much two-story everything. it's quite weird to see. same ol fences though... it was like a prison. still is.

so mike from anadivine told us one of his favorite bands was mewithoutYou, so i decided to check them out. i dig it. it's like... screamo + metal ish. which is dope. they sound like they'd be singing about killing people and shit. but really, they are sooo freaking hardcore christian. it like freaks me out. read the "journal" or "tour" section of their website (i forget which it is)... it's straight up scary christian hardcore death. mewithoutYou.com... i'm not going to stop listening to them or anything (it's currently on repeat), but man, i'm scared! there's something hypnotic about their screaming, though... hypnotic, i tell you. could it be satan's work? ;P

---

december 22nd, 2004 (blood in my mouth)

i'm listening to... sloan, acceptance.
i'm feeling... kkk.

9:56 pm -- W0W I AM SO GODAMN WEAKSAUCE... two days ago on my birthday i played the "police 911" arcade game hardcore... basically you play it and you have to move around like the police officer, squating and dodging bullets and shit... and i haven't worked out in so long i guess -- my thighs hurt like a MOTHERFUCKER. seriously, it's like, absurd. X: i'm going to DIE when we go snowboarding next wk, probably. X:

aaah every time he talks to me i can't help but rub my face in annoyance. LOL... rub my FACE in annoyance, how strange is that. godamnit, i can't help it... it annoys myself... asoijioasjhroaiwhroiawesesaosidjasd. i'm such a brat. this home is never that exciting. god, i feel like a shitfuck. i haaaate myself. and i hate the godamn demons in my closet. they're not nice.

i don't wanna talk to you anymore;
i'm afraid of what i might say.
i bite my tongue every time
you come around,
cause blood in my mouth beats
blood on the ground.
hand over my heart, i swear,
i've tried everything i could
within all my power -
two weeks and one hour.
i've slaved and now
i've got nothing to show.
from now on,
gonna start holdin my breath
when you
come around and
you flex that fake grin,
cause something inside me has
said more than twice
that breathing this air
beats breathing you at all.
hand over my mouth:
i'm earning the right to my silence
in quiet discerning
between ego and timing.
good judgment is once again
proving to me
that it's still worth
its weight in gold.
from now on,
i'm gonna be
so much more weary
when you start to speak and
my warm blood starts to boil.
seeing you is like pulling teeth,
and hearing your voice
is like chewing tin foil.
INCUBUS - BLOOD ON THE GROUND.
^ and this is why i love incubus.

(trask's response:)
man, do you ever stop bitching. i mean, i swear to god its always something. CHILL THE FUCK OUT OKAY. ^_^V

(my response:)
this thing is made for bitching! don't like it? don't read it, beeeyoootchhhh!

(lenny's response:)
I'll be sure to get you a thigh master.
Damn thats such a good song =x

---

december 21st, 2004 (oceans12)

i'm listening to... nothing.
i'm feeling... kkk.
quote of the day... from this kid sitting next to us @ the bane of all existence, starbucks: "a uber trick is like a really good trick."

1:08 am -- "ocean's 12" is a cool movie. i admit i went into it not really caring to see it (even though the first one was good)... but it was pretty damn good. the humor kicked ASS. but the directing and cinematography was pretty damn poor. not artistic at all. they tried too hard with special effects and zoom and shit, rather than good camera angles. but the humor made up for it. and brad pitt = uber hot. and catherine zeta jones = uber hot. my two hottest celebrities, represented in both sexes = doubly good awesomenessnessnessness x 42319283. seriously though, if it wasn't steven sodorbourgh (whatever) directing it and if it were like... quentin tarantino or something... it would have been 1982391758123 better, and probably one of the best films of the year. but oh well. can't wait for the new "charlie and the chocolate factory".... johnny depp smiling is straight freaky looking. IT'S GOING TO BE SO FSCKIN GOOD.

---

december 20th, 2004 (birthday death)

i'm listening to... thrice.
i'm feeling... headachey.

2:06 am -- hot damn my head is killing me. went out tonight for my 21st birthday with jeremy, claire, adriel, sherry, jeanette, jason, nelson, fontaine, and dahye to dave and buster's... which is like this bar / pool hall / arcade.

god, i feel so fucking weird. my emotions are crazy, and i don't know why... i feel so stupid... i just hope that shit works out well, or i'm going to slap myself.

god i hate alcohol. i took a chocolate cake shot, a shot of tequila, and some weird kamikaze thing -- for some reason the tequila tasted the best. GOD DAMN THAT SIHT IS SICk. I HATE ALCOHOl. I FEEL SO DISGUSTING> thank god i didn’t drink more, i probably would have died and puked up in jeanette’s car.

fuck fuck fuck, i don’t even know what i’m thinking.

(more copy and pasted from xanga:)
WEWT I GOT A $2 RAISE.
$12/hr baby!!!!!!!

Lewis the Totoro: apparently yesterday night was the longest night of the year,
Lewis the Totoro: and in fact the longest night of the last several thousand years.
Lewis the Totoro: man has not witnessed a longer night in recorded history.
Lewis the Totoro: the earth is at its pinnacle at 23.5 degrees to its perpendicular axis
Lewis the Totoro: which rotates back to 22
Lewis the Totoro: and back to 23.5 eveyr several thousand years.
Lewis the Totoro: What’s interesting but ocmpletely non relevant is that this coincided with your 21st birthday.
Lewis the Totoro: THe passing of the longest period of darkness known to man occured on your birthday. HAPPY BIRHTDAY!!
Lewis the Totoro: ^_____^
veeeeeveeeee: OHLMIGAT
veeeeeveeeee: AMAZING
veeeeeveeeee: lol
veeeeeveeeee: AWESOME
veeeeeveeeee: what that means
veeeeeveeeee: i dnot know!
Lewis the Totoro: Don’t you think its funny man’s longest period of darkness took place on your 21st birthday!
veeeeeveeeee: lollo
Lewis the Totoro: *cough* antichrist *COUGH*
veeeeeveeeee: ahahhaha
veeeeeveeeee: AWESOME
Lewis the Totoro: no but honestly like as far as an atmospheric sense its amazing.
Lewis the Totoro: like the earth is on this rocking several thousand year clock
Lewis the Totoro: which hit its pinnacle ON UR ASSES BIRTHDAY.
Lewis the Totoro: Normally the solstice is celebrated as a turning point
Lewis the Totoro: both in nature and th elives of people
Lewis the Totoro: this particular one was teh longest of the last several thousand years
Lewis the Totoro: (winter solstice of course)
Lewis the Totoro: pagans celebrate it as a magical day
Lewis the Totoro: other cultures, as the greeks beleived it was a turning point, where the darkness in life would change for the better,
Lewis the Totoro: in a natural cleansing, moving process in harmony with teh world
Lewis the Totoro: perhaps you should look at it like that
Lewis the Totoro: ..

i sit here clutching useless lists,
and keys for doors that don’t exist…
i crack my teeth on pearls.
i tear into the history;
just show me what it means to me
in this world…
i see the parts, but not the whole;
i study saints and scholars both:
no perfect plan unfurls.
do i trust my heart or just my mind?
why is truth so hard to find
in this world?
i know that there’s a point i’ve missed:
a shrine or stone i haven’t kissed,
a scar that never graced my wrist,
a mirror that hasn’t met my fist,
but i can’t help feeling that i’m…
due for a miracle;
i’m waiting for a sign.
i’ll stare straight into the sun,
and i won’t close my eyes.
til i understand or go blind.
THRICE - STARE AT THE SUN.

—

december 18th, 2004 (rawr)

i’m listening to… brandtson.
i’m feeling… k.

9:02 am — i’m glad when all is said and done i can look back and know that i’m right.

last night we had a couple of people over… wasn’t really a party… more like just people sitting around talking with a couple of people drinking. why am i always the target of harrassment? and i hate lenny… he embarrassed the monkey shit out of me! :X

then we moved the parti over to susan’s where everyone drank way too much, and i was reminded of the fact that drunk girls always want to kiss me. X: even when I’M sober. oh well. i don’t really care. but it’s funny.

time to go to the airport almost - going back home tonight. returning to seattle on january 4th. word…

and this one is certainly an interesting story:
it starts with an ending.
and we’re both characters in a play
on the same stage, but on a different page.
and you’ll go on to become the queen of some kingdom,
and i’ll be that monster of myth,
off in some forest - mire or filth.
and this time around…
i’ll meet you halfway.
and i won’t spend my life
lying awake at night.
and they’ll say i’m the emerald missing from your crown:
the greatest escapist the world has ever known.
BRANDTSON - ESCAPIST.

(lenny’s response:)
Oh noes! I did dun got Vee irragiated!
That was a hardcore slip-up on my part But it provided Chol, Kelvin and I with MUCH amusement! At your expense of course ^__^ It was SO worth the future beat downs you will give me.

(anthony’s response:)
i miss you already.

—

december 16th, 2004 (rawr)

i’m listening to… the used (”let it bleed” effin r0x) and greenwheel.
i’m feeling… .

6:00 pm — ohh man, been hella busy these days with finals and shit… -__- crazy amounts of work. my first final was my art portfolio and i fucked up big time lol… i went to kinko’s and the guy (who was like crazy awesome) was like, “i hate to freak you out or anything but everyone else had black covers…” lol… fsck! oh well… i only need a c… hopefully that’s do-able X:

my second was my 8 page term paper on affirmative action, which was actually pretty easy, except i went to turn it in today and no one was around, so hopefully the teacher even gets it, lmao *death.

tomorrow is my last final… and then home on saturday. mothafuckin holla.

couple days ago a bunch of us got tarot readings… we got them because eva got one in the summer and it came true… so… yeah… on the first day me, farm, and lenny got one… and the next day liz and nikkie got one… 5/5 accuracy. and if we swapped it up with other people, it wouldn’t really have matched. lenny’s was mostly about school, with a little bit about relationships, and his matched cause it said he had anxiety about the educational instution and stuff, and apparently he does. farm’s was about basically life situations in general, and about how she has been distracted this quarter and shit. liz’ was about relationships (but she asked for it to be specifically tailored around that), and about how she’s been hurt by dudes in the past and some other stuff. nikkie’s was about work and relationships in general, and it fit cause apparently she hasn’t been able to find a job for like a year since she graduated, and now she’s switching fields, which the tarot kind of said. it’s weird though - cause everyone’s had something about relationships with other people, or just something in general… mine talked about NOTHING but work, and this “project i’m working on” which is really hard right now because i lack adequate assistance… but will supposedly be successful in the future, and will be something i do on a day-to-day basis.

but apparently i’ll be single for life :[ i hope not! T__T the guy was like, “uhh just because nothing about relationships came up is not to say it won’t happen… these things sometimes just don’t show up.” STOP LYING TO ME!

all the boys, voices cracking -
oh, the moaning half tones.
come summertime,
we’re all the same age here.
all the tension and the terror,
thin-limbed, gorgeous green eyes smiling,
and i’m going straight to hell.
all the possibility and promise
just weighs on me so heavily…
and i try but i’m not convincing;
your lips, they pout and twist and
i die trying just to keep myself from kissing you.
you take in everything with a certainty i envy.
it’s somehow all i need;
just keep me guessing please.
STRAYLIGHT RUN - THE TENSION AND THE TERROR.

—

december 12th, 2004 (meow)

i’m listening to… afi and alkaline trio and american hi-fi.
i’m feeling… meow.

3:07 am — for the first time in the past week, i’ve been able to actually concentrate on my schoolwork, and now that i have a free mind to think with, things are MUCH, much easier. i actually finished my artwork cause i could actually think for once. MMMM it’s a good thing to have the mind free and relaxed. somewhat.

ray bought eva “donkey konga” today… the shit is fun… it’s like ddr, but with congas. we were all banging it on the ground and shit and i guess the people below us knocked on the ceiling from downstairs. heh. like in “friends”… where the guy keeled over and shit.

anyhoo. people are strange. X:

i have a 12 page term paper due wednesday too. and my huge ass art portfolio. and i have to work tomorrow. this has literally been the longest weekend ever. i feel weird for saying this, but i’m fucking glad it’s over. mmmm maybe now my room will be clean again. PSYCH YEAH RIGHT.

i won a moments in grace skateboard deck from tower records yesterday. not really sure what i’m going to do with it, but oh well. i talked to them about stocking our magazine — it sounded like they’d be willing to. fuck, this shit is going on too crazy! magazine shit = crazy = so much work. seriously, it better fucking pay off. we’ve sold a bunch of ads so far, but not enough to make up all the print money… but hopefully in the future. i hope!

rawr. i hope the new year is just fucking bomb. i have high hopes. i probably shouldn’t, but i just feeeeeel…. .. .

… .. .

. .. …

things i shalt keep to myself until later dates.

i want to save SOME people from sadness, but that is an impossibility…

it’d be too much to be asked to be saved myself, but it’d be nice. maybe it goes both ways.

and omg, the tarot reading eva got in the summer pretty much was accurate… so… must… get… me… one of those.

- i play the static with the noise in my head.

—

december 8th, 2004 (catharsis)

i’m listening to… alicia keys.
i’m feeling… meow.

3:04 am — catharsis… it’s a good feeling. sometimes.

but what i have to say is… if i’ve learned anything in college / life / stuff, i’ve learned, “DON’T LISTEN TO MOTHAFUCKIN BITCHES! NO ONE KNOWS SHIT BETTER THAN YOU!” people may think they’re doing you a favor, but no, really, they’re digging you a grave.

ghosts ghosts, talking about ghosts. it’s interesting. and creepy. ew. but so fascinating… AAAH omigat, sleeping is scary now.

AND OMFG I’M MAD. me and trask were supposed to go see the anadivine / beautiful mistake show on saturday but anadivine had to drop off the tour. WTF. THANK GOD FOR MY ACTUALLY PAYING ATTENTION TO ABSOLUTEPUNK NOWADAYS… WTF fucked up. T__T @ least tickets haven’t been purchased yet lol.

—

december 7th, 2004 (head explosion)
i’m listening to… this japanese cd diana made me back in the day. “witch” by youjeen (or something) is the best fucking song, seriously. well, no. but it’s up there.
i’m feeling… kkk.

1:43 am — and again, i stress, i’m asexual. with… (@ the moment) just ONE exception (who doesn’t know it). all suitors (lmao) can go die. well, not die, but just go. i’ll stick with mental eye candi, thanks. X__x save the drama fo yo momma.

i’ve been sleeping like a retard lately. last night i slept from 8am - 11am, got up and got ready to go to school, but couldn’t find my bus pass so i said fuck it, and then 12 pm - 4 pm. and the day before was 2 am - 5 pm. hot damn sexy hot damn.

foodmonstar, sleepmonstar, study monstar, rawr. i’m sick and tired of people, omlmigat, bitches need not front when they fuckin with me! yeah that made no sense. “drawn together” is such a good godamned show. it’s sOo damn fahnie.

i need money. i’m broke as a mothafuckin joke cause i haven’t worked for the last month and a half… IT’S FUCKING LAME. godamnit. i need another godamned job.

btw people are so funny. so… unpredictable. or maybe too predictable? the two run together too closely.

—

december 5th, 2004 (eff that)

i’m listening to… morcheeba.
i’m feeling… …

8:46 pm — omfg eff this shit, i’m asexual again. with a few exceptions.

what the fuck happened last night? i don’t even know. lol. i went to the instant winner show with lingo and cynthia… jennie was supposed to go too, but she like… got lost and shit ;[ so that didn’t happen. 5 bands — one shitty, two decent, one better than decent, one great (instant winner). rawr. i don’t ever have the energy to run around and jump around at concerts anymore… where did those days go! lol. AH THE DAYS OF YOUTHFUL BLISS PFFT.

afterwards we went to eat @ sakura’s, and then lingo gave me this canibus cookie… it was just this little ass thing, and i only ate half of it, and got way fucked up. last night was crazy. lots of funny shit - i don’t really remember though. and hah… susan kept saying, “wow, you got high just from the air?” cause they kind of hot-boxed in her apartment, and i was like, OMG NO I ATE A COOKIE… like five times i said that… and this morning she said it again. GOOD GOD SUSAN. I ATE A COOKIE. DAMNIT.

yeah canibus = teh sux though… i’m done with that shit. and i accidentally forgot about going with cynthia when kelvin dropped her off @ home, so basically, i had him take home a random stranger and i just like ditched her lol. :/ so fucked up… yesterday was just too weird. i was just kind of following people - i’m not even really sure what the fuck happened.

but kai is fucking funny dude. she’s crazy. haha. high dream of being a housewife, and calling her boyfriend five minutes after he leaves… that’s fucking funny (and bad, but funny). FUCKING BLURRRRIZZZO.

and eva couldn’t find her bag for the longest time, but turns out i was sitting on it lmao. noob. and they tried to steal donkey konga, but i barely remember that. and they tied up nathan and stuck him on my bed… ehhm roight. and i fell asleep on eva’s floor. lol. whatever, doesn’t matter, i was so tired i slept like 16 hours. X__x and i STILL want to sleep. i’ll probably think of more stuff, eventually.

what a blur. X: eff that shit. but at least everything was funny.

—

december 1st, 2004 (…)
4:28 am — i swear, every time i come back from china, i feel so fucking wrong. granted, it’s only been two times, but the first time was just like this… just this overwhelming disconnect and apathy. coincidence? maybe… but this only happens when i come back from shanghai - not any other country in the world lol.

and i regretted shit the first time around…

… who knows. i’ve been sleeping the most fucked up hours, and being retarded in school, and shit. i just want it all to go away. i just want to sit there and do nothing. :/ but there’s sooooooo much to do… and so little time. and so little will to do it. i just want to melt into words and music, and not have to think for myself anymore.

november 29th, 2004 (when my senses fail)

i’m listening to… senses fail.
i’m feeling… h0kay.

1:31 am

if you pull too hard,
then the string will break.
and if you leave the slack,
then the string won’t hold.
fill the glass to the brim
and it will spill out.
and keep on sharpening the knife,
and it will be so blunt.
so how can we find ourselves
trapped in our own private hells
where we just scream but no one can hear?
‘X’ marks the spot where the dig begins;
the treasure is found within
the broken hearts that are soaked with fear.
SENSES FAIL - SLOW DANCE.

—

november 28th, 2004 (china)
i’m listening to… the ambient noise of teh pOopy ass airport.
i’m feeling… h0kay.

2:51 pm — god fucking damn i’m so tired. 13 hours of airportness and 12 hours of flight time (with more to come)… KILL MEEEEEEEEE… i can’t wait to get back to seattle. apparently i missed a lot =( =) =( the trip to shanghai was EH alright. our apartment there has all sorts of problems lmao, gg shotty ass chinese construction. it’s only shitty really because they don’t get the right tools and stuff to do a good job with. but eh, what’re you gonna do. :L

huk huk huk. i watched “bourne supremacy” and “little black book” and “spiderman 2″ again on the flight… man spiderman 2 is so damn good X__x the other two were decently entertaining. blah. i’m bored of writing. waiting for a standby flight right now and this 00bar lovey dovey couple is sitting next to me! BLEACH!

5:06 pm — wow i hate the airport. die united.

2:08 am — wow head explosion >__< AAH. boys = trouble. shit should just be simple! 1+1=2. >__< i missed so much stuff when i was gone LMAO. weird.

oh yeah i almost forgot. mom was telling us a story… “this lady went to the hospital to get surgery and turned into a vegetarian.” … and we were making fun of her like, “WOW, SURGERY CAN DO THAT?” but she really meant vegetable. lmao.

(nate’s response:)
ok all those entries came outta no where!.but vivian..i think you are adopted. and damn straight quantity or quality!!

—

november 26th, 2004 (china)

i’m listening to… aurora and ayla.
i’m feeling… fatassish.

7:07 am (in washington… like 11:07 pm here) — so it turns out like the doctor who delivered us is this famous chinese painter / calligrapher. we went to his house and he calligraphied stuff for us but… HIS CALLIGRAPHY FUCKING SUCKS. seriously. i don’t get it. he wrote four for us - one for my new godparents and one for my parents, one for me, and one for my brother. my parents and godparents’ looked alright because they just had two big words… the other ones for me and my brother are really just this really long poem… mine is about how you shouldn’t chase after money and fine things, but rather seize opportunities when you can. blahblah. interesting enough, but um, the words looked like shit. his paintings looked rather kool, though. and he gave me a bunch of chinese shit to translate into english, to “get my name out into a book”… but i think it’s more like to get free translations LMAO. maybe not. w/e. interesting enough for my blood, though.

the doctor is hella cocky too… always talking about himself, and bragging about his accomplishments and i think the only reason he went out to dinner with us was because we paid for his meal… and he ordered soo much shit… negative points for that man. i do not enjoi him.

for dinner we ate at this hot pot thing, which was good and all, but the doctor fucking looooves meat and he ordered a whole shitload. the whole meal cost like $250 US too, and MY family paid for it. EFF THAT SHIT. QUANTITY, NOT QUALITY. and $250 US is expensive, yeah, but it’s DECENT for expensive restaurants… but for china, it is seriously absurdly expensive. damn you rich snobs! and fat doctors! never did understand that. -__-

sooo fat i’m going to go back with triple chins. but it’s just so damn godamn good. and omfg my brother has the most annoying philosophies in life evar. how the fuck.

lol, and - there are so many cool textures here - on the walls, peeling paint and rotting wood and stuff… so i’ve been taking a lot of photos so that i can use it later for graphic design work, but people around here just see me taking photos of a random wall and are like WTF MATE?

turns out my godmother bought this book from the airport that is full of photos of scenic china, and 78% of the pics are of textures of walls and shit. lmao.

—

november 25th, 2004 (china)

i’m listening to… a perfect circle.
i’m feeling… okay.

7:26 am (in washington… like 11:26 pm here) — meh so tired. waiting to go to bed, though. so i’m drawing christmas cards. cause i’m crazy.

went to suzhou and yangzhou today. saw how silk is made (pretty interesting), and visited some old historic sites, which is nothing that new cause i’ve been to a bunch already. rawr. while we were at one of the places, this lady kept following us around being our impromptu tour guide because she wanted us to eat lunch @ her place. but we said no. living is fsckin hard here man. this other restaurant lady wanted us to eat there, and my mom ignored her, and she was just like, “ni bu lai wo men dou kuei shi le.” heh.

food is oObar. went to get a massage @ night - back and feet. my feet didn’t really hurt but my left ankle did (and they said it had something to do with knee problems)… and my calves hurt a shitload, which is weird, cause other people’s don’t hurt @ all :/ the lady said it was because i have a lot of allergies… but i’m not THAT allergic to stuff… just that cherries make my tongue swell and i have allergies during allergy season… -__-’

all we do here pretty much is eat, cause food is so cheap. so i’m going to go back like 10 lbs heavier or something. but i mean, shit, it’s good ass food. only a few people know what a fat ass binge eater i am, though. ^__x buy me a huge ass bag of chips, and it’s guaranteed to be gone in like a day / day and a half. same with a box of oreos. this is why i try not to buy junk food anymore, cause it doesn’t usually last until morning X__x

and the conclusion on this vacation is that - with the except of me - my family is hella scary man. my mom, dad, brother - all very business-minded and super agressive about everything and super paranoid. i am the complete opposite of all of those. and i am a liberal hippie whereas my brother is a super i-am-business-man-all-i-want-is-money-and-it’s-okay-to-crush-people-while-doing-it… kind of person. parents somewhere in between. brother is the kind of guy who - from a story he told yesterday - would tell a person to jump off a bridge to commit suicide because he was holding up traffic in sf. i guess they were in traffic for four hours, so a shitload of the cars behind were just chanting for the guy to “jump!” so that they could get out of traffic. pretty fucked up to me… and things like that, about how a country in power should have the right to crush every other country in the world, even if it means killing your own kids because they’re living in the “wrong” country. and my parents are just like ubar shit-talkerish… hateful lol. i’m not really hateful - just bitter @ life… which is more of a self-destructive thing than outwardly (which isn’t necessarily good, but at least it’s not as shitty). they talk sooo much shit about people here - about how living conditions aren’t good enough - about how people aren’t paid as much - about how everything is too dirty… etc. in CHINESE. SO THE PEOPLE CAN UNDERSTAND THEM. RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEIR FACES. it’s so absurdly rude, but there’s no getting through to them :/ lol, they’re also paranoid about eating anything cold because it’s “dirty”… i could not give less of a fuckshit! bring it on, until i get sick, but that won’t happen, biatch!

i’m living in a foreign land, i tell you. i should have been born a modern hippie (like in alex’s family or something, although a brother like alex would probably give me a headache too). X__x

mmm, i smell like smoke. i loves it. =( =) =( OH INDECISION. it’s kind of nice getting away from everything, but it kind of sucks, because the week i left is the week of the magazine deadline for the next issue, so… when i get back i am literally going to be pummeled with work - both schoolwork and magazine work T__T i’m trying to find internet access so i can download shit and then work on it on my laptop but uh… finding internet access has been amazingly hard. we’ve only seen one internet cafe, and there wasn’t really any time… especially since we’re here with another auntie and uncle, and not just my family. :/

5:52 pm (in washington… like 9:52 am here) — haha. have you ever met someone whose feet smelled so bad they were like sulfur? that smelled so strong that it makes your eyes water? that smell just so wretched you feel like puking? I HAVE NOW. IT’S FUCKING AMAZING, seriously. these people are at our house fixing stuff on our balcony have to take off their shoes and walk thru the house to get to the balcony… AND OMFG I SWEAR THEY’RE GOING TO BURN HOLES INTO THE WOOD WITH THEIR FEET m0g. NEVER HAVE I IMAGINED SUCH STINK WAS POSSIBLE X: not to be mean. but OMFG.

and i have godparents now, apparently… the auntie and uncle we came with. wewtar. th3yret3hrich&00bargenerous. X: ^__x

my brother said i’m a dork for talking in 1337 speak, and then i showed him how applicable “pwn teh noob” is, and i pwned him teh noob good!

btw, “backwards” as china may seem, at least they recycle… big time! regular recycling and organic / inorganic matter. word.

—

november 24th, 2004 (china)

i’m listening to… brandtson.
i’m feeling… okay.

5:48 am (in washington… like 9:48 pm here) — omfg my health is pissing me off, for reals.

today was slightly more eventful than usual. interesting things… got this steamed crab bun stuff (xiao long bao, except with crab meat and shit)… FUCKING HELLA GOOD. ^__^ it’s like $15 if you buy 10 and eat it on the streets like local style, and $40 if you eat on the first floor, $65 if you eat on the second floor, etc. way to steal people’s money. i would have been ok with eating it on the street, but my mom wanted to eat on the second floor… and the line was humongous for the cheapo section so. :/

bought some cool socks. ^__^

went to this fabric area, and i felt something hit my leg, and it was this kid’s head… this kid just all of a sudden passed out for no reason… no convulsions or anything - just straight passing out with his eyes rolling to the back of his head and shit. FUCKING WEIRD ASS SHIT. X:

i also got some cheap mesh fabric… w00tar.

we also freakishly ran into the doctor from new york who freaking delivered me and my brother. if that’s not weird, i don’t know what is! and there was this other doctor we met who gave my brother his business card, and then later was like, “let me give you my son’s number too (for business networking purposes). maybe you can introduce your sister to him.” which was odd, because he wasn’t joking.

also at this other store this lady told my brother, “your mom, dad, and sister look like they’re from hong kong, but you look like you’re from here.” lmao - diss (cause hk people dress “well” and people from shanghai dress pretty ghetto)…!! word. =(

—

november 23rd, 2004 (china)

i’m watching… “kill bill 2″ (cause i never finished it).
i’m feeling… okay.

5:33 pm (in washington… like 9:30 am here) — never underestimate the power of teh poopage. i will tell you that. -__-

we eat so much here - it’s absurd. but i guess that’s what you’re supposed to do when you’re abroad in a foreign country that’s cheap. -__- there really isn’t much to say. we take subway. we do bank stuff. we eat food. we walk around. i get haircut while people get massages. we search hopelessly for internet access. we eat food. we search hopelessly for internet access and finally get some 14.4k modem shit. we eat food. we sleep. end day.

—

november 22nd, 2004 (china)

i’m watching… “kill bill 2″.
i’m feeling… disgusting.

6:05 am (in washington… like 10 pm here) — i’m watching “kill bill 2″ right now on my laptop… it was 8 rmb, aka $1 u.s. - dvd! good quality stylee w00t. well, not that i can really tell the difference between dvd’s and like vhs and shit even… but anyway, this movie r0×0000r. and that is all.

my brother bought me four packs of this freaking melon candi from hawaii. and it’s good and all, but omfg, 4 packs. X__x’ let me tell you this - on the airplane, and the first day when we got here, all we ate was shit with a lotta carbs and meat… IT’S A FUCKING GROSS COMBINATION I TELL YOU. NOT CONDUCIVE TO POOPING, I TELL YOU. i’m basically a vegetarian when i cook @ school, so not eating vegetables in 80,000 years makes me feel damned fucking disgustiiiiing!! X:

btw, kill bill r0x. again.

so uh, the flight over here the other day was like 10,000 hours, but i slept mostly the whole time, and we had a layover in korea, and that was whatevers… blahblah. yesterday was teh most boring day ever because we went to this area that custom-makes clothes for people… only people here always wear godamn suits all over the place, and long cashmere jackets, crap like that. lots of overcoats. basically - nothing i wear. and my parents and their friends bought a whole shitload, and it was so FUCKING boring cause it was just this place with like 800 of these stores - all the same, just a little teeny bit different maybe. X__x and it was well, the most boring place ever.

today we went shopping @ some other place which was a little more exciting, but we better be going back, cause i want this godamn commie hat… but we had to go home before i could buy it. biaatch. i need a haircut too. and then for lunch we went to this one restaurant which is pretty normal-priced for the US, but fucking hella expensive for standards here… and basically… i have come to discover that i am not made for fine things. alex said so before - that i’m better suited for like, urban life rather than suburban monstrosities. i am not cut out for fine things. i don’t fit into my family, lmao. my parents are like the happy medium. my brother is like, buyer of all things, and violent man to the max. X__x talking to him is like fucking painful. he’s just like war, war, war, vengeance, vengeance, vengeance, revenge, revenge, revenge. and i’m the complete opposite. wtf happened here. anyway, the restaurant… expensive food is not for me. i am not impressed. and my lifestyle motto is, QUANTITY, NOT QUALITY. fuck lv bags and gucci and prada and shit (speaking of, people harass you on the streets and are like, “watches? bags? we have name brands! lv! gucci! prada!” and i’ve found that the best way to get em off your back is to say, “i don’t wear name brands,” which in my case is true. i’ve also come to say this for everything else. to “do you want a watch?” you answer, “i don’t wear watches. or purses.”)… 1/2 my clothes are from thrift stores and like under 15 bucks and crap. X__x i’m just a big cheapo that likes a lot of things. hurrahhh.

and that is all. my teeth are too sharp and they need filing down. and crackhead. and china is alright, and smoggy, and weird. kill bill time!

—

november 17th, 2004 (anadivine, wewt wewt)

i’m watching… brandtson.
i’m feeling… kkk.

10:36 am — went to the anadivine show with farm really early… like 3:30 ish… cause they told us to meet them there @ 4 / 4:30. so we were looking for a grungy area to take pics of the band, and we were thinking, damnit, where could we go… and turned out that the place where the venue (studio seven) was, was grunge-CITY. seriously, it was like a hole in a rotting wall. we drove by, and i was joking around, saying, “watch it be this,” and farm was like, “wait, actually, it is.” lol.

so we got out, scouted the area, went to burger king, saw that burger king has SPONGEBOB CUPS and toys, wewt. damnit, i was supposed to watch spongebob with eva tomorrow, but i didn’t know i was leaving for china tomorrow - which i am - hence… no spongebob T__T T__T yeah i made sOo many appointments too - i have to cancel them all, since i’m such a n00by. damnit.

anyway, the band got there around 4:45? and they set up shit for a little while, then we went around to take pics, and then came back and did the interview… good shit.

it’s funny, cause apparently bands who go on tour with one another don’t necessarily really even like each other lmao. they were telling us about this band that they toured with in cali called still life projector, and the guys straightened their hair literally four times a night, with straight irons. we were saying, “god, liz’ll be friends with them!” and they were also talking about how the guys from that band kept hooking up with random groupies and bragging about it - and how one of the guys had herpes on his lips, and he just had this sore that got bigger and bigger… and he’d ask to get a drag of people’s cigarettes and they’d give it to him, but afterwards they’d be like, “dude, don’t smoke that,” lol. and when amber pacific was practicing, a guy from dead poetic was like, “you’re missing the best band,” and we’re like, “they suck,” and he’s like, “yeah, they’re the worst EVER.” lmao. amuse.

yeah the only guy that talked to us a LOT was mike from anadivine… lucky biatch… he’s 20 too, and he’s busy touring the country while we’re busy being slaves to the system =( apparently it’s quite boring though, because they get there like 5 hours early everyday to set up, and then after that, they just kind of sit there with the same people everyday. mike was like, “good thing you guys came to do the interview, because that took up at least an hour out of the four that i usually sit here and do nothing.”

we drove sean paul from anadivine and some drummer from dead poetic around to get cigarettes (only to discover later that there were cigarettes right down the street from where we were) and ended up in chinatown… and we went to this one random market, and sean paul is like 24, but he had an new york id, so the guy was like “HMMM… chicken!” and wasn’t really sure if it was real… then the dead poetic guy was from kansas… and then he asked farm, “where are you from?” and farm was like, “uhh i’m mein” (or however you spell it), and then he asked me what i was, and i said chinese, and he was like, “ha ha ha, from all different world!” lol. so fahnie.

we managed to get anthony into the concert somewhere in between… so yep. yeah… anadivine was great, though. they’re a greeat band. literally, me and farm were the only people in the crowd who were cheering to them before they went up, because we were the only people that knew them. afterwards, though, they got some new fans, i think. the whole night they were just walking around mingling with the crowd, but it’s not like it mattered, because no one knew who they were, lol. amber pacific sucked, as expected. dead poetic was no good either. acceptance was good and dandy, but anadivine was best. ^__x

good times. shit, mike is a cutieee. and he kept talking to us (and especially to farm), so he is ubar coolio. and his smile literally looked like - which is just damn cute. like honestly, i don’t think i’ve ever seen anyone smile that big ever.

so uh, i’m going to china tomorrow! wewt. i didn’t know until like yesterday, so now i have a shitload of appointments i have to cancel. and i’m missing 3 days of school X_x good thing it’s the worthless days anyways (aka lecture days). ^__x

a toast
to the one who poured out my regrets.
a call to air i’ll intake one last…
i’ll follow you home.
don’t hold me up if your arms are breaking.
can’t tell you enough -
it’s discouraging when you say
please hear me out with a curse to accents,
sentences you make.
sentences that make me ask…
everything you ever wanted
died in the bottom of a bottle.
you will never stomach but
will never throw it up.
a version of a virgin
purified by a bleeding heart.
ANADIVINE - ALCOHOL AND OXYGEN.

—

november 16th, 2004 (rar)
i’m watching… malcolm in the middle.
i’m feeling… kkk.

7:50 pm — rar.

lol, “malcolm in the middle” is the best fucking show ever. HAHAHAHA i FUCKING love IT. ^__^

BRAWRRR. so i might not graduate this quarter after all. i am taking this 2 credit education seminar in which i tutor kids… and then go to class every other week and do interviews and write papers and shit… WELL IT FUCKING SUCKS. i’m not learning shit, i don’t think the kids give a fsck whether i’m there or not, etc. so… basically… yeah. no graduation.

hrm, must reformat computer… X: i’m currently on the laptop sending everything over. INDEED.

but yeah… i had to give a presentation in the sociology of black america class today with al black - and it turned out a lot easier and a lot better than i would have thought.

photo shoot and interview with anadivine tomorrow. fsck yeah. if you haven’t heard them yet, check them out, because they’re a fabulous band. FABULOUS. i am so stressed out. lol.

i know your life is empty,
and you hate to face this world alone.
so you’re searching for an angel -
someone who can make you whole.
i cannot save you;
i can’t even save myself.
so just save yourself.
STABBING WESTWARD - SAVE YOURSELF.

lenny’s response:
wtf you have a photoshoot with anadivine tomorrow??????!?! T____T Omigat luckyyyy

—

november 14th, 2004 (brah)

i’m listening to… j-majik [drum’n'bass].
i’m feeling… kkk.

2:47 am — sometimes i think how easy it’d be to just go with the flow, to do everything that feels good - hedonistic in every sense. it’d be great, but it’s hard to find that balance between being a good person and indulging in your hedonistic pleasures, lol. :0

i really need to get a job next quarter… another one. this one isn’t giving me enough money at allllll… so hopefully i can get morning classes @ art institute, even though it’s like impossible, so fuck me. either way though, i don’t want to go back to live in cali… i like it here. but wtf am i doing, i don’t feel right anywhere. FIND THAT BALANCE. indeed.

oh, by the way, FUCK ELITISTS. that is all.

november 13th, 2004 (T___T)
i’m listening to… zero 7 [trip-hop].
i’m feeling… kkk.

1:57 pm — just got back from the monroe correctional facility a little bit ago…

wait wait rewind. yesterday night i really did nothing except went over to see chol and jennie and we went to tower records and got lost for like 40 minutes trying to find it. we finally got there though, and chol bought some records, and i bought the “nightmare before christmas” special edition dvd… gonna watch it tonight, wewt… if you haven’t seen it before, you need to watch it, because it’s fucking amazing. chol and jennie bought turntables, so i played around with that a bit, but holy fucking shit that shit is hard. especially when you don’t like the music. i want to play around with drum’n'bass tracks *COUGH COUGH NATHAN*, and i want to borrow anthony’s rock musax, just to see how it can mix together. because it can. for sure. esp with the high-low-mids shit, which i didn’t even know existed.

and then when we were leaving tower, we saw these two old couples (probably like 50 ish) and out of nowhere i guess one of the guys just does a cartwheel and falls over, and what’s funny is that his pants fell down and his ass was hanging out. well, funny, but traumatizing.

anyway, the prison or whatever was interesting, but not as interesting as i would have imagined. everything is automated. you go in in different groups, and there are kind of like holding cells in between the main entrances… so basically you step into the main entrance to the prison, and then the door closes behind you so that you’re trapped in this little room, and THEN another door opens. and they check you at every check point for a name tag and a stamp, and metal detectors and what not.

most inmates have a lot of free time and get to do pretty much whatever they want, but the crazi ones basically stay in the cell the whole day and get one hour per day to come out and shower and do whatevers… it’s just like you’d see in the movies. monroe is where they filmed “butterfly effect”… i haven’t seen it, but the prison is old, so basically everything looks old - old style like “shawshank redemption” and shit.

there were two security calls when we were there. once when we were coming back from the outside yard all the guards ran up and were like, “get out of the way!” and shit, but apparently they have one of those a day on average. haha and then the automated doors closed, and two of the guards would stuck there and couldn’t get the door open. lmao.

outside there’s two giant towers with armed guards on either side of this yard that has razor wire fences that are like 23 ft high… there’s a track and some benches for inmates. main unit has a full-scale hospital, churches, libraries, law libraries (required by law), gardens for religious ceremonies. once a year you’re allowed a religious ceremony for a particular religion. generally there are six major religions - judaism, muslim, christianity, one i didn’t hear, another one i forgot, and WICCAN. which i thought was really weird. when you first come into the prison though, you have to specify a religion, and then you have to give three months’ notice if you want to change (this is in case you want to attend the one “religious event” per year once for every religion).

the mental health facilities there are the only ones in all of the state of washington - so needless to say, they are fauking NICE. soo nice. we went to two of the units… the first had like four different hallways and a main conjoining spot where there’s a tower. automated doors for each of the entrances, with about 7 or 8 cells down every corridor. showers and shit for the mental health patients… regular inmates don’t get those in their cell. cells for regular inmates are fucking small as shit. the entrance area is about… as far as if i stretched my arms apart, and the length is just a little longer than would fit a twin bed. most of the prison is actually single-bunked, though, which was surprising. the newbies get double-bunked. back to the mental health areaaaaa… the second mental health unit we checked out was way communal. 96 people in there, with only 1 of which took NO drugs. everyone else splits about 400 pills a morning. lmao. basically though, they are locked down about twice a day, and for the rest of the day they’re free to roam around the whole unit and go outside whenever they feel like it. a lot of freedom for those (those are the ones who are of tolerable level though, there are also the ones who are out for only an hour a day in the mental health unit area). there’s a communal tv area like you’d see in “12 monkeys” or something… but i think they’re all so drugged up everyone gets along right well.

the infirmary… is where they keep the mental health patients who are hurt or have suicidal tendencies and shit. most people are allowed to do whatever, but there was one guy who was strapped down on the bed, and he gets out once every two hours, and can walk around for 10 minutes a day. if he weren’t strapped down, he would literally just kill himself.

when we were in the first unit of the mental health area, there was the second security call, and all of the guards went in this guys’ place. apparently they all are given razors and shit so they can cut their own hair or shave if they want. the guy shaves his own head and shaved a little too close so he was bleeding and shit. end story.

the mental health facilities were fucking nice. they had a gym with a basketball court and shit, and a hobby shop where you can do whatever crafts and shit - provided you pay for your own materials. they have equipment provided, but no materials. they get money thru either working - they get about 47 cents an HOUR for their work, and there are way more people who want jobs than there are jobs. the maximum anyone can earn thru full-time work is $55 a month. i also believe they have to pay taxes on that amount. they can also get money from relatives, but a lot of relatives refuse to give money because any money they give 35% is automatically deducted out of to go to the state, the penitentiary, victims funds, etc. then, inmates can also sell their items that they make in the hobby shop, but 35% of profits are taken out of that as well. a 13″ television costs $300, so with $55 maximum a month, that’d take a whole lot of time to save up for. you can also only listen to tv and radio via headphones, which makes sense, i guess.

there was a lot of awesome artwork made by the prisoners all over the place. one huge ass mural - it was like the length of a football field, i swear, was painted by this heroine addict, who was put in jail for life because of the 3x-you’re-out law and committing robberies 3x to feed his heroine addiction. meh.

the group of students we went with (with the exception of the 4 of us from uw) went there thru central washington university, and they were fucking stupid. or at least a large amount of the girls were stupid. first of all, if you are in a criminal justice program, you should be ready to see this stuff, and you should be smart enough to know that people in here aren’t about sunshines and shit, they are in here for real reasons. despite that, we didn’t even see anything weird at all or excessively scary. but they were freaked out by the fact that every room has a video camera with someone monitoring it, and that people were strapped down, and that people were waving at them. BIG FUCKING DEAL. so stupid. X: sooo not in the right major if you can’t even stand looking at an inmate who looks normal but looks scary because he has a bushy beard. neegro plz.

and they were just like, “omg, people volunteer here? i’d NEVER volunteer here,” and like, “omg, are they speaking spanish? i don’t know if that’s spanish, but i think it is, like wow, they’re speaking spanish to us,” and “it’s so scary there’s cameras in every room can you believe that,” and “omg look at that scary bearded guy,”… wow, stfu, plz.

free cd release show for this providence tonight @ 5… with daphne loves derby and gatsby’s american dream as well. holla.

WOW OKAY I HATE MY LIFE. SECOND CONCERT THIS WEEK I’VE WANTED TO ATTEND BUT COULD NOT. G-FUCKING-G. FUCKING SOLD OUT (EVEN THOUGH IT WAS FREE, SO I GUESS PACKED OUT) AND WE WERE LIKE 8 PEOPLE FROM THE DOOR. MOTHERFUCKING LIFE, DIE, I FUCKING HATE YOU.

11:52 pm — man, i have the hugest freaking crush on this guy… you have NO freaking idea -__- i’m actually kind of freaking myself out -__- seriously, if i were to picture my ideal-looking guy, that’d be it. down to the… pretty much EVERYTHING. i know it sounds shallow and shit, but w/e, he’s like, awesome too. and girls don’t like him cause he’s a geek, but i don’t care, i’m all for the geeks. -__- too bad that beyond that, i have nothing to do with that information… T__T

you’re cynical and beautiful -
you always make a scene.
you’re monochrome, delirious,
you’re never what you seem.
i’m drowning in your vanity;
your laugh is your disease.
you’re dirty and you’re sweet;
you’re everything to me.
everything you are
falls from the sky like a star.
everything you are,
whatever you are.
GOO GOO DOLLS - DIZZY.

lenny’s response:
like oh em gee! I used to bake cookies for inmates at monroe in 7th 8th and 9th grade. We always went there at night but it was fscking awesome.

Sorry to hear bout your concert, that is massive “blue balls”. Did you press your ear to the door and make sweet love to it???

anthony’s response:
she tried to on many occasions lenny, but luckily i was there to stop her each time. man, think of how many germs you’d get from doing that sorta thing at the Graceland? The place is next to a freakin dumpster or three…

—

november 11th, 2004 (life pwnz me)

i’m listening to… lamb.
i’m feeling… kkk.

11:47 pm — trip-hop is so fucking very sexy. mmm why is it so hard to be happy! fuck being a human - always wanting more.

me and eva were talking about boyfriends. we both want… but only sometimes. it seems college relationships just end up getting repetitive and shit… it seems next to near impossible to find someone that you’d never get tired of. i cannot even imagine. and i cannot wait X: but as for now, i’d be happy with just someone i’d see a couple times a week. but everyday, man, i think i’d go crazi. unless he was really like… just wow. i’ve said it before and i still say it, but AMAZING is teh best word to call someone evar.

but sometimes you want it, and sometimes you don’t. we were saying, that seeing people who are crazy get boyfriends and girlfriends makes you wonder, “why can that person have that and not me?” but then you realize that they just settle for anyone, and have no regard for anything… but maybe taking chances with shit you know won’t work may even be a good idea because it may develop into something? i don’t know wtf i’m talking about, but… X: there are probably 400 ways why that is stupid, and cowardly, but no one ever said i was brave, and confrontations are a gg, no thx.

it’s hard cause i have a short attention span when it comes to guys… hence why i never really want to really do anything with most people. don’t want to end up well… doing something mean. i gotta be damned sure i like someone to commit to anything, that’s for sure. count it a lesson learned from experience.

in other news, i can’t stand people who hate for no fucking godamn legit reason. TAKE A CHILL PILL. stop being so godamn bitter towards everyone else because your own fucking life isn’t as perfect as you want it to be. just because you’re not happy doesn’t mean you should make everyone else unhappy too… and you wonder why we’re not friends. IT’S CAUSE FRIENDS SHOULDN’T BE SHIT-TALKERS. word.

and this is why you break down those superficial relationships, because everyone deserves better than this. right, eva?

i can fly,
but i want his wings.
i can shine even in the darkness,
but i crave the light that he brings.
LAMB - GABRIEL.

nate’s response:
u are amazIN, you dont get the G yet..in time..foreals tho

—

november 10th, 2004 (die pride, die!)
i’m listening to… the “underworld” soudntrack.
i’m feeling… ACGH.

1:45 am — rawr… X: i think the way i sit really does cause my back problems or whatever… or maybe it’s all mental, but that’s definitely what it feels like, like the muscles on the left side of my body (on back) are bigger than the right, and bones feel different, but it might be mental…

sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh =(

hello,
it’s mercy medical -
we’re sorry to inform you of,
this situation critical,
hello.
it’s mercy medical;
we’ve done everything we can do.
there’s nothing left,
it’s up to her,
and so…
welcome to your funeral,
where they talk about the girl they knew -
a tragedy, a shame to lose her.
little girl so beautiful,
a life so new and meaningful,
that little girl so beautiful.
BRANDTSON - MERCY MEDICAL.

—

november 9th, 2004 (omfg)
i’m listening to… “forty six and 2″ by tool.
i’m feeling… crazi.

2:43 am — fuck, i like need some hormone suppression or something LOL. too much shit, too much shit, i’m too boy crazy. :X dieee.

failed another midterm today, i think. so what else is new. lol, watch me not pass this quarter, lmao, wouldn’t that be funny - oh wait, it wouldn’t.

lenny’s response:
play it coooooooooooooool
btw, take pictures of the hotness ~__~

—

november 8th, 2004 (confr00ze)
i’m listening to… a perfect circle’s “emotive” album.
i’m feeling… okay.

3:11 am — man, what the fuck. first of all, i fucking hate studying, cause after stomach pains and shit, i’m convinced it’s cause i haven’t been sitting right or something… but there’s like no position of studying that “feels good” -__- i was a made to lay on the ground and sit on the floor kind of kid, but that has been killing me back lately… so what to do!?

shit - life is fucking confusing right now. i don’t even know if it’s confusing so much as bothersome lol. why does everything come at one time! maybe i have ulcers! too much stress. i can’t decide about anything… MEH… and i have a short attention span… WHAT TO DO… taking chances is not my forte. :X but whatever… i’ve learned that sugar coating things is no good. honesty really is the best policy. I AM TEH CHEEZE. but there’s nothing better than having people tell you straight out, no matter how blunt it is. helps you decide, helps you move on, helps you think clearer.

we’ve had good times as of late. lots of partying this whole quarter. what, am i really in school?!

this is what they call college life. partying, drinking, and living. X: wish that our living arrangements last year hadn’t stifled our rolls… but at least things are going decently this time around.

i went to south park today. that’s right, south park. apparently it’s a city in washington. i applied for some design job for this start-up company (cheftools.com) - i don’t think i’m going to get the job because i suck at interviews (although it wasn’t really an interview), but i just realized, that even if i DID get the job uhhhh… i’m not even going to be here around the busy season. WTF am i thinking… pwn the n00by.

on sunday, me, eva, karen, and lenny went to iheartrummage.com - it was downtown in capitol hill @ the crocodile cafe. good shiat. some of the stuff was not so interesting but got this really cool belt and bag, and that was neat0. by the february or march ones - i want to participate. >< and i will. SO YOU JUST WAIT. VEE DESIGNS. holla.

---

november 7th, 2004 (rawr)

i'm listening to... the faint.
i'm feeling... okay.

9:12 pm -- you know what's bad? procrastination. procrastination is bad. don't do it. it'll eat your ass off. that's right.

these past couple of days have just been a lot of sobriety and watching other people get drunk at our house... and it's all good and fun. and then yes. we staged this pic of nathan and daniel [kim] together... and it totally looks like they're making out... and it's fauking great. liz just needs to share the godamn wealth. those kids are funny, and perverted, but it's all for good times. ;L

got a job interview or some shit tomorrow. we'll see how that flies.

nate's response:
what u really dont know is..that we really were making out =P. jp….dood why do u need a job? u already have a full time job..being my girl HARHARAHA

—

november 5th, 2004 (get out of)

i’m listening to… jimmy eat world’s “futures” album.
i’m feeling… okay.

3:05 pm — last night there was supposed to be a microsoft party, but those people are FUCKING lame. it was this guy’s birthday, and the week before, they told us to invite whomever… and then we told them the ratio of guys:girls would be 1:1 and they were like ehh nevermind, parti’s off. LOL. wow. fucking losers. are you so insecure that a few extra guys would blow your game. i mean, fucking seriously.

the new jimmy eat world is faucking awesome. last night me and arlen were talking, and we were talking about how we both write down a “what-if” thing… just in case something happens. you know, sometimes you get the feeling that you’re going to die - and i think people are more psychic than than they know they are… so better safe than sorry X: in high school my friend wrote one of those, and her parents found it and sent her to a mental hospital even though she wasn’t really suicidal… it was a what-if-just-in-case also. or maybe she was just in denial. lord knows. speaking of suicide… come january, we’re working with ruthless records for their takeactiontour… should be fucking, uh great. good promotion… and a good cause. basically it’s just a double cd release with some big name bands like coheed and cambria, nofx, the early november, blahblah, and a portion of the profits goes towards suicide prevention. we’re going to hold like a writing contest or something… and winners can get tickets and cd’s and shit. *shrug. :/

so last night instead of parti, a bunch of bitches came over… and it was good. and i was one of the only sober people. and then stuff. and then confrooze. and then blah.

but windows open and close;
that’s just how it goes.
don’t it feel like sunshine after all?
the world we love forever, gone…
we’re only just as happy
as everyone else seems to think we are.
i’m in love with the ordinary.
i need a simple space
to rest my head,
and everything gets clear.
well, i’m a little ashamed for asking,
but just a little helps.
it gets me straight again -
helps me get over it.
it might seem like a dream,
but it’s real to me.
don’t it feel like sunshine after all?
the world we love forever, gone…
we’re only just as happy,
as everyone else seems to think we are.
JIMMY EAT WORLD - THE WORLD YOU LOVE.

— november 4th, 2004 (death to you and me)

 

i’m listening to… “no place feels like home” by midtown.

i’m feeling… okay.

12:10 am — this shalt be quick cause i need to sleep.

[1] bush is president for another 4 years without chance of reelection… prepare for death: me, you, world.
[2] spent the day in the e.r. today and it was teh sux, and pap smears are the most godamn painful things ever… never have i had more pain in my life! had oobar stomach pains, but who teh fuck knows what it is - the doctors sure don’t. blood tests, pee tests, rectal exam, pelvic exam - all inconclusive. fsck me. i owe nathan [davisz0r] big time for staying with me and waiting for my sorry ass.
[3] painkillers don’t work on me… codeine = no effect. vicodin = no effect. wtf. morphine me up, damnit.
[4] die.

—

november 1st, 2004 (halloweenie)
i’m listening to… the starting line.
i’m feeling… okay.

went trick-or-treating in factoria (READ: RICH PEOPLE) last night with arlen (who dressed up as a kkk member), liz (who dressed up like a “cowgirl” which was so not cowgirl-like that this indian guy said, “you’re not dressed up!” to which she responded, “i’m poor!”), jennie (it was her first time, but a poor one @ that), and anthony (who was terrance from south park - actually a rather awesome home-made costume). so… we went all the way out there and have now concluded that RICH PEOPLE SUCK. at least around here. i always heard that in blackhawk they give out king-sized candy bars, but not the rich people here. and we were like the ONLY trick-or-treaters, WTF. don’t people go trick-or-treating anymore?! BITCHES. next time it’s to a poor neighborhood near elementary schools.

and as for today - i feel like i live in the twilight zone, and for some reason, i can’t open my jaw…

so, i really am obsessed with white guys with black hair. it’s been for a couple of years now, but i just realized it this year :0 no wonder i find goth guys hot even though they’re not really… a white guy with black hair, no matter how ugly, is instantly 4x hotter if he has black hair. and if he’s hot anyway, it’s like insta-love. what’s wrong with me?

so eva, you asked for my fetish, so there we go >< in the: “an abnormally obsessive preoccupation or attachment; a fixation.”-sense, not the “something, such as a material object or a nonsexual part of the body, that arouses sexual desire and may become necessary for sexual gratification.”-sense necessarily :0

but obviously this doesn’t apply to asian guys, cause then they’d all be beautiful. and that’s a neg.

lenny’s response:
Parent to child:
How appalling! The thought of a Bellevue child going door to door begging for candy! I wont stand for it! I’m buying you a candy store!
—

Next time you should go to this neiborhood called Amber Ridge in kenmore. Its the shiz for riz for trick or treating. Or you can go to English Hill in Woodinville where the people are still rich, but less stuck up than those Bellevue mofos.

october 30th, 2004 (drunken karaokes)

i’m listening to… kmfdm.
i’m feeling… okay.

ah life. craziness.
Br> soo uh woke up pretty late, and sat around… and went to watch “primer” with trask @ the metro, which is basically a movie that was filmed, edited, blahblah, with just $7,000 at the university of texas or something. it was pretty interesting, but i’m not sure how much sense it made. but that’s okay.

every weekend this year has been parti stylee - which is pretty fsckin awesome, minus the fact that my liver is crying. T__T

went to this microsoft parti in bellevue with gildas, eva, hsu-han, and jennifer [yee]. it was alright. played many a drunken ping pong beer drinking game and eva made all these guys give me their phone numbers -__- huk huk huk. i had an apron for people to sign stuff on - as part of my gothic alice in wonderland costume - and eva was like, “give her your phone number! she’s a nerd! give her your aim!” gildas was crazy too, and eva made me take pictures with “ethnic people.” lmao.

afterwards, came back and trask came over, and joe picked up me, trask, eva, and liz and we went to koreana to drink and sing drunken karaoke songs. trask really loves karaoke, although he pretends otherwise. drank, drank, drank, and then i don’t know, somehow it was quite fun indeed. when we went to the outside, me and trask were sitting on the floor, and eva was like, “get up, you look like you’re rolling,” and then, “stop that, that’s digusting.” >__<

then we went to this other restaurant that wouldn’t sell us alcohol because it was past 2 - but they let us take alcohol TO GO. isn’t that faukin weird. and these random ass koreans were singing random ass korean songs. and that was also weird. and then that’s that. X: and also trask was giving eva all of this advice for boy mackage, and she followed it HAW HAW HAW the only thing is that she doesn’t really remember…

we came back to our place so everyone else could drink some more, and liz kept trying to go to sleep, so joe jumped into her bed and eva jumped on top of her and trask shone the light in her face and rubbed his hands all over her face basically until she woke up. PWN THE NOOB, YOU THINK YOU CAN OUTSMART US! and liz was playing mario kart by herself for the longest time lol, until someone finally decided to join in again. :X yeah i don’t know, a lot of funny shit happened, but i need a memory refresher. refresh?

—

october 29th, 2004 (freaknightizz0)

i’m listening to… radford [r0×0r].
i’m feeling… okay.

a day of shitty feeling all day long - had stomach cramps like death all morning, and so i didn’t go to classes. stomach cramps why? no fucking clue. had eva drive me to hall health - got blood test - thought maybe appendicitis - it was not. no clue what it was. but every couple months or so i do get that painful death cramp things - and i always think it’s period, but it never is… so… yeah.

went to freak night with chol, jennie, grace, david, seungbum, derek, matt, and chet. it was alright. music was okay… me and seung were like the only sober people… i don’t know. not so fun. music wasn’t that great. bt was alright - he’s a great dj. he didn’t play “flaming june”, though. he did however, play “dreaming”, and ferry corsten ended up playing “flaming june”, but… i was too busy tending to e-tards and i missed it T__T met some weird people… this one guy was like, “hey, wanna dance?” and i was like uhh okay… and then he didn’t even talk to me lol. so weird. saw a few rolling kids that i haven’t seen rolling before. yes. interesting. okay. ho-kay. some cool costumes and shit… but nothing particularly memorable. just another day, just another rave, and upon thinking back, maybe i should have dropped because it is the last freak night ever… oh well :/ met some people who drove all the freaking way from montana just to come to freak night. crzy hardcore.

—

october 22nd to 24th, 2004 (oh canadia)

i’m watching… the movie “pay it forward”.
i’m feeling… okay.

friday, oktobur 22nd — a bunch of paphi bitches came over for liz‘ potluck… good shite. i had to go early, though, cause i went to go watch “the grudge” with josh, chol, jennie, cynthia, and derek. it was well, not very scary at all. only one part was really scary. after that we sat around chol and them’s playing cranium and watching “invader zim”… ^_x then i came home and a bunch of people were outside nordheim so tony, lingo (who was high as fsck), and yuki came over to our place and just played mario kart ands hittizle. and that’s that.

saturday, oktobur 23rd — left really early for canada with liz, eva farm, and yuki… stopped by birch bay on the way there, which is up by bellingham. took some pictures… it was part beach and part woods. the whole way there, me, eva, and liz devised this *DING* thing… which i can’t really explain, but it involved holding the two fingers in a curvy motion to make a heart KAKAKA.

example of when the *ding! would come up:
“it’s hot in here.”
“i like the heater.”
“i like it too.”
*ding!

anyway, birch bay was not much of a beach, but that’s okay. we looked around for “the perfect rock” and everyone found one… mine were two rocks that looked exactly the same, except they were direct opposites. one had black background with red stripe, and the other had red background with black stripe. i’m going to give it to my soulmate KAKAKA (rOight). we also got a whole shitload of “emphysema rocks” to fill up a jar for liz with… hahaha. all the nastiest looking rocks ever. X:

then we drove up to vancouver and went to this mall in richmond to just buy some stuff… and then we drove around and got this cheap ass hotel… well, it actually wasn’t that cheap… but as cheap as we could get, anyway. :/ $100 per night canadian for all five of us… the others were closer to $120.

then we went to shabu-san… at first we went to the one in richmond, but that one was a two-hour wait, so we went to the one in vancouver, and the wait was 20 minutes. it’s an all-you-can-eat sushi, korean bbq, and other random korean and japanese foods place. it was AWESOME. we ordered so much and ate until we were going to explode. <3

after that we went to the liquor store and bought some alcohol and the bitches drank, and i popped some 2ci pill, and then we sat around watching cartoons for a while in our hotel room, and then we went out to explore. we had no idea where we were going, so we just walked hella fucking far. what was funny was we passed this hotel where these two black girls were fighting on the doorstep and then this one guy was just watching them like this: O__o and farm was like, “good thing we didn’t stay there.” and we were all laughing and saying, for real, for real, and liz was like, “we’re a little too close to be making fun of them.” and it was true. :0

so we walked and walked and walked, and yuki was looking for weed, so he just walked by people and yelled, “CHRONIC? CHRONIC?!” HAHA it was so stupidly funny. and cops were all over the godamn place, cause in canada smoking weed is decriminalized, but selling is not. :X and yuki got smoked out by some fools, but what they asked him was, “do those girls like weed?” and he was like, “yeah,” and they’re like, “do they suck dick?” WTF. bitches.

and these two ugly guys came up to us and asked if we know what was “crackin”, and they asked us where we were from, and we said seattle. and they were like, no way, we’re from seattle too. and farm was like, “eww we hate washies,” and hella dissed them so they left. thx the lord. they were ugly.

but basically we were dressed too ghetto to really go anywhere, so we just kept walking around in circles, but it was kind of interesting, i think. didn’t really meet anyone new, but canadia has some hot men, man.

farm wanted to go to the bathroom but the one in subway was broken, and so was the one in mcdonald’s, so she had to like break into the bathroom or something. ghetto canada.

around 1:30, we finally decided to walk back to the hotel and shit. we stopped by the cactus club and it was closed, and then we went to shananigan’s because it was the only place that was open until 2. so… everyone got some drinks (liz was sober for the whole time up until then), and on the way in, they asked for everyone’s id’s to copy, and i accidentally pulled out the other freaking 2ci pill HAHAHA… and i was trying to act all sly and put it back in without them noticing, which was quite hard considering i was high as hell. :X

the dance floor was funny. there were like 4 people on it, and they were dancing like all-out. very interesting. very interesting indeed X:

X: shit i have so much to study for.

anyway, i was drawing on this piece of paper on this green wooden table, and it was cool, cause it felt like i wrote thru the paper onto the green table. :0 like the pencil was a knife or something. and then yuki thought that eva was a lesbian with the hots for me or something. so weird. crazi yuki.

and then we walked home some more, and liz saw this starbucks sign that she wanted… and she was like, “let’s take it.” and so, we took it. and it r0×0r.

and then we got home, and we watched cartoons for a little bit and laughed about how our sleeping arrangement worked out perfectly. *ding. and then we were talking about how we’d make it so that yuki had a bed to himself and all of us were in one bed, and then when yuki came back from the shower we’d be like, “so you thought there was just ONE (lesbian).” lol.

and liz told a GOOD story LOL while farm told a liz story. and liz was proud forever.

and then everyone went to sleep while i was still trippin out, and it was soo boring. well it was fun, but then it was boring. i wrote, i drew, i stared at the bathroom wall which was tripping out in layers and layers of color (and just when you thought the pattern could not do anything newer, it did), and dragons emerged from the wallpaper, and you could pull out a piece of it like gum.

and i got the idea that i know why people do stuff like break mirrors and destroy stuff when they’re trippin out, because i really wanted to destroy the mirror cause it looked so trippy and surreal. just to test if it was real.

and the roof was pulsing like waves of water and shit. but then everything got boring cause i wanted sleep and couldn’t, and i wanted to make phone calls, but i couldn’t, and i wanted to eat, but there was no food…

so finally i decided to jump into bed, eva had sprawled out and decided to fill up the whole bed, and i was sleeping on this little corner, and eva kept kicking liz when sleeping. lol.

and music was interesting. and the something corporate song below for some reason described it well because it said, “she moves the science with her hands.”

i also saw the weirdest art patterns in my head… things that i’d make into art and shit. one design with a cop head and a woman’s leg - kind of like something drahomira would do - and other things that are just like clothing fashion spreads and shit. :0 for a while too, i saw images in my head that were just like old school video games with huge pixels and shit… because it was like color override in my head and that my eyes were going to explode or somehting. seriously when you sit there with both eyes open and you just look at stuff, your eyes are rolling around in your head and rolling backwards and it is just strange… overdrive.

for a while too, i could only blink my right eye and my left eye stayed open. weird. :/

sunday, oktobur 24th — tripped out big time because i barely slept the night before and my eyes were just sooo tired… it was really tiring and i was just walking around like a zombie. :0 eh, and yeah, nothing else was supar entertaining this day, because eveyrone was so tired.

[edit] omg, how did i forget? on the way back thru the border, we were driving, and lady decided to check our trunk, and:
lady: where do you guys work?
farm: i don’t work.
lady: then why do you have a starbucks sign?
farm: uh…
liz: (with little kid puppy-dog eyes) i found it.
lady: some people get in trouble for that kind of stuff. have a nice day.

she’s trapped inside her room
with reruns on the screen:
old books and movies,
but she can’t stop thinking.
i’m torn between myself,
my radio, my friends.
i want to write this one off over and over and over again.
she waits all day;
she stands a stranger in her skin.
she moves the science with her hands.
she lines her walls
with every paper she can see.
these words consume her,
but they never set her free.
and then she looked at me to scream:
“my castles are falling.”
but i can’t look into the street
without everything changing
i want to read good news.
i want to be innocent again.
i want to read good news,
but nothing good is happening.
SOMETHING CORPORATE - GOOD NEWS.(farm’s response:)
ohhhh fsck the *ding! lame, not cool…LAME. all saturday, i was like, why are they saying *ding! so often? then i realized and i wanted to cry b/c we were so much alike.(lenny’s response:)
holy shit your weekend was fscking awesome
my friends and i used to do something like your *ding thing cept he and i said “yeah!” and people were like ” the fuck? ”

—

octobre 16th, 2004 (rawr)

i’m listening to… “let it bleed” by the used.
i’m feeling… fine.

3:37 am — i hate fake everyday chit chat. i hate when bitches ask me shit like, “why do you paint your nails black? it’s sOo goth.” stfu. it’s not necessarily goth, and goth people are hot anyway, and why the fuck does it matter to you what color i paint my nails? i don’t even know who the fuck you are. i don’t need you to make conversation with me. i hate small talk. die.

josh came back from boot camp yesterday. fucking crazy hard shit man. he has definitely changed, although i can’t pinpoint how… gotta hang out with him like crazy before he leaves on the 20th again. :/ he got hella skinneh whoa. and… i don’t know, i just can’t imagine what it’d be like - the shit they go through.

tonight was also sebastian’s birthday parti shiat, and that was quite interesting… seabass dressed up like black mambaaa from kill bill, so wewt. uma thurman. wewt. and some other crap. and then i want to sleep, so maybe later i will write more, but likely not.

(lenny’s response:)
I totally forgot to say bye to you, my bestest internet buddy. I think eva and liz think im weird as shit. Awesome.
“and goth people are hot anyway”
ªYES

(eva’s response:)
negative!! i think len wants eva and liz to think he’s weird as shit. sorry cholo! no one is weirder than two girls making one.. one who i always thought was closet lezbo, and the other who just wants a resume.

(my response:)
yea liz was like, “how did lenny know i was half filipino, that’s kinda weird” but i don’t think eva really thought about it.

(eva’s response:)
yes, indeeeeed. sorry, bwoac = bitch without a cause… aka miss e. sometimes i wonder about those people who would say stuff like “why do you paint your nails black” esp. if it has a condencending connotation.. just snap back with “why are you so socially inept”. but u know, sometimes i ask too! but i’m just curious.. as in why pink and not orange.. or why blue and not green! it’s like eternal sunshine from the spotless mind ~ clemintine says it reflects her personality at the time !

(my response:)
hmm interesting… someone asked me before, “why pink?” and it wasn’t offensive, because i thought he was such an awesome person - and it was even flattering that someone would be so brutally honest…

but the black was… i just think different people ask with different thoughts in mind, and the fact that the person who asked was annoying / associated with burn book buddy #1 (of 2) makes it automatically condescending… maybe i am being base myself with assuming so quickly that this person meant harm when in fact he may have just been curious and should have been respected for brutal honestly as well.

guess i’ll have to think about that one.

(lenny’s response:)
the kid probably was hoping to innitiate a conversation with you but had nothing really to talk about other than your nails.
Did you go ragemaster 2000 on his ass?
This is him later that night > (T__T)

(anthony’s response:)
goth people ARE awesome. I didnt get to say BYE to my fan club president slash dirka-dirkastan terrrorist!!
Vivian, why do you gotta be so GOTH man? Im going to like make my hair black and ill be goth with you… ah crap too late. Im goth already.

(nate-menappi-’s response:)
yea dood ima dye my hair back to black..not to be goth or nething…it skool though..like old times!!! alrite baby bye

—

october 14th, 2004 (theEPITOMEofGOODshit)

i’m listening to… normal like you.
i’m feeling… great.

9:57 am — too much happy.

[1] tutoring rocks… fucking high school kids are sOoOo godamn funny. X:
[2] magazine is going so well - put a classified ad in the daily, got a lot of responses… and they don’t care that i’m not paying them for now X: and they all have writing experience, and they all have writing experience with regards to music… also found some people who can help me out with design… FUCK YES…
[3] met some girl who apparently lived above me last year - but i never met her - who has uber band hOokups…
[4] THE - not a - hot guy thinks i’m really cute.
[5] camping with THE - not some - bitches in a week.

fuck yeah. life is good. can’t stop, won’t stop, BAD BOIEEEEE.

actually, i’ll probably just crash and burn soon, but as for now, i feel like i’m stuck in the twilight zone for real.

—

october 13th, 2004 (rawr)

i’m listening to… underoath.
i’m feeling… OK.

9:26 pm — shit is going well. minus on the homework and whole school front, but that’s not important, i guess. X: but as far as the magazine is going… very well, very well.

vote kerry.

uhhh i went to alex’s house yesterday… his mom is like a nu-age witch… SO INTERESTING. all these candles and soaps and weird ass trinkets, wooden robots, wooden dragons, giant giraffes, giant spiders (except those are real, not wooden), tons of shit i say. awwwsuuuum.

camping in oregon in two weeks. wewwwwt.

—

october 11th, 2004 (OH SAD DAY)

i’m listening to… this providence.
i’m feeling… RAWR.

11:42 pm — SAD DAY. THERE IS THE HOTTEST PUNK ROCK BOY WHO LIKES VIDEO GAMES AND HAS PIERCINGS AND TATTOOS AND OMG - GIRLS DON’T LIKE HIM!!!!! GIRLS DON’T LIKE HIM!!!! GIRLS DON’T LIKE HIM!!!! IT DOESN’T GET ANY BETTER — (nevermind that he was too drunk to remember meeeeeeee… FSCK!)

(lenny’s response:)
Excelent. More punk rock boy for me ~_________~
Er wait…. I mean for you.

—

october 10th, 2004 (crazy wknd part 2)

i’m listening to… utada hikaru’s “distance” album [japanese].
i’m feeling… ho-kay.

4:38 pm — copied and pasted straight out of my IRL journal, since i have like, 3… since my brain fucking sucks now, and i don’t remember didly squat. so this is more blunt than usual, fo sho.

yes. indeed. this past weekend has been another interesting one.

friday night — eva and liz bought nikkie a cock cake from the erotic bakery because well — she’s leaving to go to virginia. then i went over to lewis’ place to play some poker — lost a good $6, but that’s not the point. the point is after that, eva called me, so that we could go over to kelvin’s party… TURNS OUT KELVIN’S FRIENDS ARE ALL FUCKING HOT WHITE ROCKER BOYS WTF IS THAT ABOUT. anyway, so eva and them brought the cock cake over to lewis‘ earlier and just left it there, so we brought it over to kelvin’s since they wanted to see it. X: (btw, that cake tasted like shit) AND AAAH there was this guy there matt, who was fucking hella hot… i really just like the black dyed hair with piercings and tattoos motherfucking look, it’s so damn sexy… and kelvin was like, “this is matt, he’s probably the hottest guy here,” and i was like, “hell yeah he is.” lol, and i was sober then X: -__-’ too bad, fuck, he’s yet another guy who lives hella fucking far away, so it will really do me no godamn good to even think he’s hot… he lives in bellingham, and hour and a half in the other direction of portland, lol! i love it! it’s fucking awesome!!!!! so kelvin said something and i made fun of him, and kelvin was like, “i’m not going to talk to her anymore,” and matt was like, “you’d be really stupid if you did that.” awww. X__x must mack on when he returns, i swear. must… X: and he’s like all into asian shit… wtf, why can’t you live in seattle -__-’ anyway. uh. yes. hot guys make me stupid. i can’t help it. :X oh yeah and then lewis was yelling something at me from out of his window, and matt started yelling up to him (cause lewis was on the computer), “how many GB are on your hard drive? how many MB of ram?” and i threw my keys at him (HIM IS MATT IN THIS CASE) and told him to stfu, and he was like, “omg, i just got yelled at 3 times in the last 15 seconds.” and lewis got all mad, and i apologized for matt later, but why the fuck did i do that - i don’t get it… cause when we went to get the cock cake, i was like, “oh yeah there’s hot guys @ kelvin’s” and lewis was like, “yeah? go fuck them!” and then slammed the door on us. how fucked up was that. i’m so sick and tired of these bitches. ugh. fuck. now i am reminded of why i kept a distan