inside the wonderful world of vee

july 16th, 2003 (it’s a small world after all!)

i’m listening to… “nothing better” bai the postal service [digital-punk??].
i’m feeling… okay.

1:43 am — style and what is hot and what is not are such easily manipulated things. it’s funneh how fast these things change and people’s tastes change accordingly. =/

i got my glasses today. i don’t like them… because they’re so SMALL! not used to not having my 7th grade glasses that took up half my face. will take a little bit of getting used to, i guess.

been seeing / talking to a whole bunch of people i haven’t seen in like two years + these few days… makes for interesting lifestyle. hung out with joe [pang] and his oldskool buddies yesterday, all of whom i haven’t seen in like two years… and today i went to skillzdjworkshop to buy tickets for atlantis and went to visit jason [yu] while i was at it… haven’t seen that guy in like two years plus too… his apartment has sooo many neat gadgets… video game consoles, guitars and amps, snowboards, skateboards, bb guns (one that looks like an m4! freaking sooo beautiful), stuffed monkeez galore, yadda yadda… freaking like a carnival!!!! so exciting. ^__~ tried learning some chords but to barely any avail… hmm and yeah. wee.

then phil [nho] came to their place… as if the world isn’t small enough… apparently he is at their neighbor’s place all the time and stuff! such a small world. wee ~ then we went to emeryville and i got my ears pierced! freaking, claire’s jacked me, though, cause the lady told me ear-piercing was free and all you had to pay for was the earrings and there would be free ear-care solution… and then when she rang me up she said that the ear-care solution WASN’T free and i also HAD to have it. such bullshit, for reals. so i thought it’d be $20 but it ended up being $28. oh well. -__-; then we met up with phil [hsieh] and watched “finding nemo”… it was an alright movie, but pretty cute ^__^ then we ate at some grill… and then decided we had nothing better to do (after hanging out in the parking lot and using our keys to punch holes in the soft cement of the pole things) and went to safeway to buy ice cream and shieeeet… and then went to phil nho’s really-ghetto-but-really-worth-the-money-because-he-got-free-furniture-and-pays-$200-a-month-in-berkeley-apartment. sooo i guess like the apartments just keep getting subletted and there aren’t really any contracts so the landlord never really cleans it out… so they had all this leftover furniture… and there were holes in the walls because this guy who lived there years earlier was a schizo… lolol. funny stuff. and there was just this giant benchpress in the living room that people left behind too… like, wtf? life is amusing. :]

—

july 13th, 2003 (the story so far)

i’m listening to… “the story so far” bai a newfound glory [punk rock]. i’ve been listening to this song straight for like the past four hours…
i’m feeling… okay.

12:25 am

i can’t remember the time or place
or what you were wearing.
i’m unclear on how we met;
all i know is
it was the best conversation that i’ve ever had.
to this day i’ve never found someone
with eyes as wide as yours.
i’ve been searching up and down this coast,
overlooking what i need the most.
and everything else is irrelevant
to the story so far.
did you notice i was afraid?
i thought i’d run out of things to say.
two more hours until today
burns this away,
and it starts all over again.
the sun will never look the same again
til you show me how it could be…
* A NEWFOUND GLORY - THE STORY SO FAR *—

july 12th, 2003 (warped tour)

i’m listening to… “happy v-day” bai reggie and the full effect [punk], “natural anthem” bai the postal service [drum’n'bass of some kind], “recycled air” bai the postal service [?] (i think their lead singer is the lead singer of death cab for cutie).
i’m feeling… alright.

11:34 pm — went to the godamn van’s warped tour in san francisco today with virginia, mike [poon], and kellie. i’m sunburned now. -__-; it was alright. i’m a little mad. we went slightly late and missed the first round of artists: fucking mest opened, then simple plan, then rufio. what a piece of shit, for reals. -__-; mest i really wanted to see because i missed them last year to watch finch, and simple plan i really wanted to watch because i have never seen them and i would like to. what a piece of poop. =( so we sat around for like three hours until 3:30 when the used was playing… and freaking a it was mostly girls so they did so much shopping… i felt like i was at a mall rather than a freaking concert. no one really cared to check out any of the bands we didn’t know and stuff… which is probably why i had more fun last year than this year (also because the gorge is the most freaking awesome venue ever and this year i went to san francisco’s pier 30-32 and that was just hot and bright and painful). anyway, so the first act we actually saw was freaking ice-t with his band or whatever called bodycount. it was retarded. he was just offensive, and stupid, but whatever, what do i know? then rancid came on but i didn’t really pay attention to them because everyone was waiting in a crowd waiting for the used to come on… so when rancid was over the used came on and that was COOL. they are a much better show than i thought they would be!!! the crowd was hella freaking rowdy though. so much energy! they played “blue and yellow”!! such a great song.

then we watched sum from the used’s stage because you could kind of see them through these two sets of fences… pretty ghetto. i lava deryck!!!

and then we walked around for a while and watched the ataris like a half hour later… they were good but their crowd was SO dead… i felt hella bad for them because kris or whatever the lead singer’s name is was trying hella hard to get them to move or cheer or sing along or do ANYTHING, but no one did ANYTHING. i swear, most of the people there didn’t even know the ataris but just wanted to see them because they’re a big name now. *shrug. just a guess. or maybe everyone was just tired.

omfg and i totally forgot bowling for soup was going to be there so i didn’t get to see them either… ARGH… freaking, this was probably hte worst concert i’ve ever been to, although sum and the used and the ataris were good.

and freaking hyun-soo (whom i didn’t see actually) got backstage passes and stuff and took pics with simple plan’s bassist and sum 41 members (deryck!) and the lead singer from the ataris and got signatures from bowling for soup and stuff… what a fartknocker, for reals!!! *jealous. all in all, it wasn’t worth my money. hahaha. oh well. :/ i think part of the lethargy came from the company. =( not to say that they were bad company exactly; it was just that no one was freaking very excited to be there. :X bah. piece of poop. and as for me, i felt especially crappy because i had gotten my period WITHOUT KNOWING so fucking i had to use toilet paper as pads (yeah, it’s sick, sorry if you didn’t want to know, but i don’t really care), and then there were cramps… and no decent food to eat and barely any water to drink… godamn gina! POS!!!!

(chol’s response:)
Viv, your funny funny girl~~~ Hope things get better regarding your relations in Washington~~  by your dear friend chol

—

july 11th, 2003 (weeee)

i’m listening to… nothing. :[
i’m feeling… drunk.

4:17 am — just got home from richard [lee]’s place… party, party! mad drinking up the butthizzo. i like alcohol. weeeeeeeeeeee. i miss having a guy omigod. saw two of the guys i used to date today… btw, “the league of extraordinary gentlemen” is nothing extraordinary (okay, well, maybe just a little bit). anyway, i miss having a boy. :[

—

july 10th, 2003 (and i miss calieven more)

i’m listening to… nothing. :[
i’m feeling… content.

1:32 am — ever since going to college, i find that there is seriously nothing i miss more than just driving around and sitting around and talking to my friends. i feel that with my friends in washington, we don’t really have as much to talk about… we don’t really talk about life… we don’t really talk about how we are. most of my close friends there have boyfriends and girlfriends now who - as a result of college - are constantly around, all the time. there’s nothing wrong with this, but i believe it creates some type of barrier… i just feel that everything there is so surface level, except for with a few individuals whom i do not see that often i guess.

things are a lot different here in california, i think. i don’t want to sound like some kind of stuck-up, but i do think that living in the freaking rich-ass tri-valley area (with 99.9% of my friends from this same rich-ass area), there is a different standard of living here. people are centered around different things, and different emphasis and amounts of emphasis placed on certain things. i feel that being raised with a similar background as my friends here, we all place the same or similar amount of emphasis on the same things that are important to us. in washington, with most people that i have met, this does not feel right. perhaps it is because we are in a college environment at uw, or perhaps it is just because of the people there. there’s no doubt that there are a people in washington with whom i can connect in a level that i can connect with my friends here, but i do not think that these are the people i am constantly surrounding myself with. i hope this isn’t a blow to the chest to anyone here but i feel that my friends in california have a lot more goals and ambitions than the people i know in washington. we are constantly talking about life, about school, about the things we want out of life. and i think that’s what should be done… i find that in washington i’m just kind of destroying myself and losing any grip that i may have on what kind of person i am. every time i come back and i have time alone… i just feel some gratitude that seems lost to me elsewhere because my friends here are freaking awesome, for real. i like how everyone can mingle with each other and everyone is there to listen… and it’s an even exchange of conversations among individuals who have numerous differences in personality, in goals, and in outlooks on life, but we can all learn from each other. i miss this non-dominated exchange of conversation that i honestly feel i have lost. it seems that in washington the relationships i build are not even close to as deep as relationships i have built here. i honestly don’t think it matters how much time you spend with a person, although that of course is a factor, but how you can rely and connect with a person. there are plenty of people here and in uw who i know and can talk to who i may not even spend every waking hour of the day with. i just don’t think i have built very many relationships in uw that are below the surface level and i honestly don’t think very people know the real me. they think they do, but i really don’t think this is true. i rarely have the opportunity to voice my opinion, because no one asks. no one asks critical questions. it’s all stupid ass shit. i think when you go through a dinner without barely speaking to one another there is something wrong there. i think another big thing is that my friends here DON’T really do drugs at all, except for occasional drinking and occasional weed-smoking. this is a big deal. drugs are fucked up, even though i love the effects. i can’t even begin to describe how much smarter and how much cleaner i feel after not doing drugs for a long time. being in california just by itself makes me feel 40,000 times better about myself and how i am and how i think. it’s cool to know my friends would always be there to listen if i wanted it, and although i’m sure my friends in washington would listen, i don’t feel comfortable at all. i always feel guarded. :/ i feel like i’m one of the only ones that wants something out of life and has goals i want to achieve (although maybe i have too many). i don’t feel right. i want to transfer. bad. but i just became a washington resident and it seems a little fucking ludicrous to transfer out and pay out-of-state tuition in california now. anyway, my grades suck too bad now. i’m sad.

—

july 7th, 2003 (nostalgia)

i’m listening to… “way away” bai yellowcard [punk], “faint” bai linkin park [rock], “things i’ll never say” bai avril lavigne [rock], “guinea pig” bai boogiesquid [funk].
i’m feeling… nostalgic. :/

2:33 am — i can sense it… when i’m old, i’m going to: a) have a midlife crisis; and b) have alzheimer’s and go senile.

every single freaking time i come home i can’t help but rummage through all my old things and feel this overwhelming sadness (?) over lost relationships, over past memories, over how easy things were before. i wish i were a kid — like REALLY a kid — again =__=; college sucks… life sucks… for real.

i don’t know if i’ll ever be able to stand life when i’m my parents age… it just seems to be nonstop reponsibility and nothing but. i’m trying to show some gratitude or something as in the past years i’ve grown withdrawn and distant from them. i can blame a thousand things, although ultimately it’s all my fault =/

yesterday i was at church and pastor johnson was talking about anger management… i was only half-listening because i was freaking raging inside. it’s strange… most people are angry youth who find ways out of it whereas i am a happy kid turning bitter… hmm. anyway, i didn’t notice the irony until the end of his sermon, but i don’t think i’ve ever felt so freaking angry without expressing my anger and it’s a crappy feeling. -__-; of course i had my reason for anger but i cannot disclose it… even though i want to shout it from the mountaintops so that i can have an excuse for being the way i am.

meh.

extended the airplane ticket to the 20th instead of the 13th, so i’ll have more time to waste my life away at home. i lava it.

i’m crazy… i was clearing out old stuffed animals to get rid of cause i have like 40,000 and i feel BAD throwing them away… and some are in plastic garbage bags and i feel bad for them too =( *kiss before giving them away =( i’m crazy. oh well; at least i don’t talk to them…?

i miss someone a LOT… why i do i really do not know… perhaps it is because he had always been around all the time and it was always a given… but now that i NEVER see him or talk to him i wonder what he’s doing all the time and stuff. curious and curiouser… wonder if people knew what i never knew.

silly.

by the way… people are ridiculous… this one guy was asking me for a song and i told him one and he said “hmm, that sounds familiar… i might have it on a cd somewhere…” and i said it was the best song ever and he said, “yeah!” and i responded with… “riiight…”… why do people feel the need to say they like things when they don’t? i mean shit, if you don’t know what it is, say you don’t know, instead of looking like a dipshit. -__-

this is my life;
it’s not what it was before.
all these feelings i’ve shared
and these dreams
that i’d never lived before.
somebody shake me ’cause
i must be sleeping.
now that we’re here, it’s so far away.
all the struggle we thought was all in vain;
they all finally start to go away.
* STAIND - SO FAR AWAY *

july 5th, 2003 (it’s good to be back)

i’m listening to… “faint” bai linkin park [metal].
i’m feeling… alright.

1:17 am — so yesterday was the fourth of july so me and a bunch of people went over to richard [lee]’s house and we had a bbq although there seemed to be more food than people that were hungry. we walked down the street and were able to see the fireworks at central park which was like… a block away perhaps. ate a lotta food, played poker, played mafia, played mario party, and played super smash brothers. i suck ass @ super smash brothers -__-;

today… didn’t do much all day but went out with dahye, phil [nho], and phil [hsieh] at nighttime. we went to jamba juice and then to play pool at room with a cue (no outing is complete unless you play pool also!) and then dahye left and the rest of us went to in-n-out even though we weren’t particularly hungry and had lotsa fun taking stupid pictures. WEE! so nice to be back and to see everyone again. I MISS MY CALI KIDS and the 40,000 of them that are not here. since i have 40,000 friends and all. +__+;;

i need new friends
all of my friends have boyfriends and girlfriends
kill me now

wee.

listen to “things i’ll never say” bai avril lavigne… so fucking funny.

“if i could say what i wanna say,
i’d say i wanna blow you…
away.
be with you every night;
am i squeezing you too tight?
if i could say what i wanna see,
i’d say i wanna see you go down…
on one knee…”

rofl. :/ pervertedly funny.

when nothing’s easy but hurting yourself
you can only break yourself down.
it shows on the surface
that you’re wearing thin
and the only thing you feel
is searing pain within.
and even the strong break down
and begin to feed the weak.
how can you avoid your worst enemy
when your worst enemy’s name is “me”?

i close my eyes;
thought i was lost,
but i was stranded.
i go outside;
to my surprise the sky had landed.
i thought it made more sense
if i could only keep you guessing;
i was a fool to think that
i should stop you from undressing.
now i’m believing all the words you say
that i can’t say back to you.
so i fall;
i don’t wanna feel this small.
you know i just can’t handle this…
handle this at all.
and i’ll just fall;
i’ll let my heartbeat drop…
i falter as the music stops
and you watch me as stall,
and wonder when i fall.
i was so close;
that was the most that i have ever been through.
now old casettes and cigarettes
will be the ones to save you.
how can you ask me to stay
when all you do is go?
just go.
something corporate - fall.

no posting for a long time. i don’t have internet access… and stuff… so yeah peace out for four weeks or something. i’m @ work right now. on a mac. whee.

i got a call.
a telephone call today;
somebody’s offering a job
a thousand miles away.
i wanna take it;
it’s the opportunity of a lifetime.
but i need a second opinion,
an opinion other than mine.
so i…
i’m turning to you.
because you always seem to know what to do
when times like these arise…
i call on my only true friend in the world…
so i…
i want to know…
should i really really go,
and if so,
are you coming with me?
i’ve got to know…
if you really want me to go,
and if so,
come with me.
i never wanted anything as much as i want you with me;
you were the one who said to follow my dreams,
of having a house, a car, a view of the stars,
and a beautiful life.
so… i need someone i can grow with;
i need some love in my life.
s h a i - c o m e . w i t h . m e

so btw, i like to talk out of my ass, and i am a horrible person, as all people are horrible people, so i will just shutup next time… sorry, for real, blah, blah. blah. blah. hukimajity sam bob poop.

anyway i am waiting for janine and pika-john to come pick me up from work so i’d might as well write some more bullshit because i really have nothing better to do. so… yeah. wee. no internet connection at seungbum’s apartment and no freaking tv, and no vcr cable, so it is pretty fucking boring… mind you, it has only been a few days. jeezus lord, kill me now. i got my grades back and they fucking suck shit… and i can’t even believe the grade i got in criminology because… last time i checked my grades it was at @ least a 3.0 so i must have fucking failed the final but i can’t believe that… cause i got a fucking 2.4… fuck me to the moon… crap. i’m going to get ready to leave, so peace to your mothers and a half.

—

june 8th, 2003 (rawr)

i’m listening to… “solar glide” bai the spirit [drum’n'bass], “the descent” by dieselboy [drum’n'bass].
i’m feeling… stupid.

9:03 pm — soo i just went to a review session with marcela… damn people are funneh! O__o; this one asian or pacific islander guy (i’m not sure what he is)… man, mad funny. lol. and i was drawing music staffs on a piece of binder paper and so this guy sitting next to me offered to give me a sheet of staff paper… and i was like, “why, thank you sir.” and he looked at me funny, apparently. hehe. people just aren’t used to such awesome manners anymore >;O

i feel like a cracked out whore monkey because usc7 at the stadium exhibition center was last night… quite good. j-majik was there and he owns all of your bones to the moon x 4,000. i actually started talking to someone that i met about counterstrike… good lord i felt like a geek. wasn’t fun at first, and then it was alright. afterwards me, josh, and janine helped lovetribe (victor / dj whistler) hand out some flyers and shit… that shit is fun! ;O but probably not if you do it all the time… but once in a while, and if you do it with friends, i think it’s damn fun. ^__^ went to an afterparty for like… half an hour, forty minutes maybe. man, there were so many hot guys @ usc… so many skinny ass tall ass hot skater boys. :P**

anyway.

drum’n'bass owns you all.
one of the best things there is, fo shizzo, my nizzo.

(mike’s response:)
Hot guys??? no way!!!! at a rave??? hmmmm…. viv, something is wrong wit you… lol did you talk to any of these “hot” guys? maybe you shoulda, =) oh wait, you were to busy talking about CS, my bad, lol… j.k.

well jus thought i would check out your journal and say hi….. HI!!!

—

june 6th, 2003 (**********fuck you**********)

1:23 am — there’s nothing more that i would like than to just fucking die. i won’t kill myself, because i’m too weak to even do that, but if i could, by fucking god i would have a long time ago. and god, well, he / she / it deserves to be in hell. what if the more crap you talk about god the longer he makes you stay on earth because it’s so horrible? what if you loved god whole-heartedly, 100% genuinely and he would allow you to die faster cause life on earth is so miserable? right now i’d just love to drop a whole lot of e-bombs and have a fake happiness so at least i could feel something but that’s no good, and it won’t happen, because i have no brain as it is.

oh, and btw, whether or not you think i know you, it’s not hard to pick out a cocky ass biatch from a crowd. i don’t know why you can’t take such a criticism because you say the most fucked up things to everyone else, includying myself, and when other people say fucked up things it is all of a sudden unacceptable. the way you rant about yourself is unbelievable and if you honestly think you are not cocky at all by putting other people down and having the nerve to tell people they’re not good enough to play with you - regardless of whether or not they are really that great… you got problems. you could hold your tongue once in a while and actually hold true to your “i like to make people happy” thing instead of causing drama for everyone because you have no regard for friendship and no respect for anyone you don’t know. and i’m sorry that by your ‘volatile’ nature you can just give things up and drop things in a second because they’re not fitting with your tastes. stop preaching what you aren’t. i may be a pessimist but at least i’m not an optimist who crushes everyone else with my ego.

i need a bigger mood
to block out the sun
i don’t wanna see what i’ve become.
and you could fight your way…
give back what you really want;
it’s nothing special anyway.
i can feel a break;
a bruise from another day.
it’s hard to say just what i feel.
it all seems broken now,
when i’m stuck on the in between,
staring at something out of reach.
yeah, you’re always in my way;
i’m falling faster everyday.
yeah, you’re always in my way;
i gotta spit you out.
you bring me down;
everthing just crashes to the ground,
cause you were always in my way.
* AMERICAN HI-FI - A BIGGER MOOD *
 

you almost always pick the best times
to drop the worst lines…
you almost made me cry again this time.
another false alarm,
red flashing lights;
well this time i’m not going to watch myself die.
i think i made it a game to play your game
and let myself cry…
i buried myself alive on the inside
so i could shut you out
and let you go away for a long time.
i guess it’s okay i puked the day away.
i guess it’s better you trapped yourself in your own way.
and if you want me back,
you’re going to have to ask nicer than that.
* THE USED - BURIED MYSELF ALIVE *(arlen’s response:)
Wow you say don’t know me, but then you seem to know everything about me huh? I’ll try to humor you and respond to your bizzare obsession with my faults. My being pissed off at you had nothing to do with your criticism, the two coincided coincidentally. Up until that point, as many people I’ve told know, I was pissed at you and your big mouth. Your criticism is worthless, it doesn’t phaze me at all; criticism only has value when either there is some truth to it, or when the person who said it is respectable. You calling me arrogant because I spent half an hour telling smwa that I didn’t want to play them 1v1–even after I didn’t respond to him saying he was better than me at cs and that I was afraid–hardly has any truth to it. The fact is, you knew little about the situation and you chimed half an hour later when my patience with him was completely gone. You didn’t see what I said in private message to him, or what I said in cs to him. The fact is, you spoke out of your ass. Again, you just seem to have a bizzare obsession with emphasising my faults, even when they are nonexistant. Sorry if I rant about myself a lot. I wasn’t aware that I didn’t give you a chance to chime in about how life sux and you hate it. Or the latest infatuation your monkey-attention-span is fixated on for the day. Maybe if you asserted yourself more and TALKED then I wouldn’t talk so much. That’s not your style though; you’d much rather instant message me about me being volatile–something that shouldn’t even be taken literally because it didn’t even have anything to do with my personality, more of an inside joke with my online friend–without explaining it, then writing a lengthy journal post elaborating it later. Gee whiz. But there is nothing wrong with telling people they aren’t good enough to play with me. Those people have different goals than I do for cs. Telling them benefits everyone. Could I have done it more tactfully? Yeah of course. Did the way I do it work really really well though? Um, yeah. You know little about how much regard I have for friendship. Just because I just don’t have a million friends like you do doesn’t mean I don’t have a regard for friendship; I’m careful about who I regard as a friend. Is that wrong, or just different? And I have as much regard for people I don’t know as they earn from me. Is that wrong, or just different? I don’t even understand where the causing drama thing comes from. Or the thing about me dropping things that aren’t fitting with my tastes. All people cause drama, and all people change their life fitting to their tastes. Are you talking about me quitting my cs clan? Because you know little about that, as much as brian talks to you. Or are you talking about me and kim breaking up, another thing you know little about. Me dropping things… that’s funny coming from someone who constantly whines about being good at nothing, then at the same time tells me I take cs too seriously. Wow, you don’t crush people with your ego? I would call this obsession with my faults pretty egotistical. Maybe you should try to see things past the surface and out of the context of your own off-base inferences. In any case, I’m sorry for being me. Maybe we could talk about it sometime for real, unless you enjoy this charade. But I guess if it isn’t this it’s something else with you isn’t it?

(insert applicable pseudo depressing song lyrics here)

—

june 5th, 2003 (pseudo-dpressionist)

i’m listening to… nothing.
i’m feeling… wide-awake… a bad time to wake up and be chock full of energy, as it is 4:32 am.

4:33 am — i just remembered it’s josh [wu]’s birthday today. um, wee.

so this guy called me pseudo-depressed today… which is alright because he doesn’t really know me and he wasjust fucking around and being stupid… because his mentality was that, it doesn’t matter what he says BECAUSE he doesn’t know so it shouldn’t bother me. of course, it did. doesn’t anymore, but that’s alright.

what DOES bother me is that a buddy claims the description fits me perfectly. i don’t even know what i think about him lately, other than the fact that i think he’s one helluva cocky bitch. which he doesn’t think so, of course. “confident” is what he describes it but see the difference between confidence and cockiness if you ask me is that confidence is on a ’self’ level, and you can exude confidence without harming other people directly. you can be confident in your actions, your thoughts, whatever, but that doesn’t necessarily impose on other people. cockiness, however, has the connotation that you are better than other people, and someone who is cocky has little regard for other people and putting down people you think are not as good as you is a given. so, that’s him. he told me a few times that all he wants to do in life is make people happy, and i don’t know if he realizes it but he is one of the few friends in my life who has caused me the most unhappiness with the things he says and the way he acts.

what bothers me about the pseudo-depressed bit is that i wonder if other people think it is true. in high school i could pass off other people’s opinions and not give a motherfucking damn, but i’m breaking as a person and these days, other people’s opinions DO matter to me and i can’t pass it off that i’m not bothered. pseudo-depressed is the last thing i would fake being. if i were to make a conscious choice about something like that, i’d rather be a pseudo-happybiotch. i can’t help the way i think and i’ve been the kind of negative mofo since as long as i could remember. since at least elementary school. i would love to fucking change it, and i would love to be all fucking happy, and yeah, i try, but it’s fucking hard.

this year has been absolutely terrible for me. i haven’t seen a lot of cali friends in forever i’m constantly being reminded of the relationships i’ve built that are just festering and wilting away… :/ friends here are alright, are okay, but it’s not the same and i can’t help feeling out of place everywhere. and all my good friends have like bf/gf, so i’m not quite in. rawr. these days are amazingly hard and stressful and i feel pressed for time all the time. and lonely. and incomplete. and i just want it all to end. suck it down. flush it down.

enough bitching and shit. it’s amazingly hot in WA right now. O__o; surprising. finals are coming up so good luck to everyone :/ bye.

please take a look;
if it’s judgment versus instinct,
how do i feel
when my feelings don’t even work.
know that i’ll be there
cause i can see it in your smile.
answer me this;
yes, all i have is questions.
you can’t slip away
and hide behind a false truth.
time takes too long;
just seems like i’m still standing here now
and i can’t even feel the rain that hits my shores.
i’m still waiting;
i still breathe.
that’s a sign that i’m still me.
i’m still breathing;
i can see,
so i must be alive for real.
* LOSTPROPHETS - STILL LAUGHING *(xinlei’s response:)
washington is EVIL festering sounds gross what a word to choose your purple is sooo pretty i think im a pseudo-happybiotch. fuhnee. but not really anyway. i hope your blahness goes away eventually. i dont like to see you so blah-ed out. so much blahness. come back to cali soon PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE!!! or let me go visit you :D

—

june 2nd, 2003 (i am the next rodney mullen)

i’m listening to… “greater love” bai out of eden [christian r&b], “harder” bai kosheen [ambient breaks], “i’ll be there” bai mariah carey [r&b].
i’m feeling… >__<; stomach pains, ankle pains, pain, pain, pain.

4:13 pm — life sux0rz… for real. it sucks one big fat poopy stick of poop. :/

rawrrrrr :\ i’m a fatty.

sooo i haven’t written in a while so to recap… last wednesday night or so me, trask, brett [pwn^], arlen, and matt went skateboarding in red square hella late at night… fun stuff… so hard though… and painful… i was trying to do a primo… or whatever… where you put the board on its side and you flip it and jump back on it… and i sprained my ankle… or so i thought… going to go get it checked in a little bit because i’m not sure what i did exactly and four days later it still hurts like a hoe.

friday night me, janine, and tony went to the csa bbq… which was whatever, but we got a whole shietload of free food, so it rocked. went to ian’s domain and ate MORE food because they have such yummy fobby foods on campus now!!!! HI-CHEW AND POCKY OWN YOU. :O and then we went over to tony’s room to watch “matrix reloaded” but mister popularity got phone calls to go to a party, so we went… it was some girl’s birthday party… mostly rotc army-type people there. odd. they were all buff too! even the girlie girls! :O hmm… and then no one really drank… because drinking is blech… but we got… MORE FREE FOOD… man, free food rocks. it was all damn good food too ^__~

saturday night i went to go watch “bruce almighty” with pwn^, brett [slimey], jeremy [dita/jesus], and colin… i like jim carrey a lot better after watching that. :\

blahblah. yadda yadda. busy weeks approaching… hope i can manage. seems like i’m fucking up everywhere.

and it’s that time of year again. USC is this weekend. motherfucking j-majik. better not miss that shit.

i sux at life.

below are some words that apply almost too perfect for someone who has been ticking me off lately.

lost in confusion,
not knowing which way to return
to the person you know.
this trepidation makes you
take it out on someone else.
not your opinion:
sounds like you learn it from a show.
it appears you have lost.
so sick of marching in your loneliness parade,
stay together underneath the giant tidal wave.
what would the worst thing be if you
took the wheel and you lost control?
no one is safe inside your safety zone.
don’t understand but i hear what you’re saying:
the repitition of a lonely life.
somebody tell me why the
heart is waging war against the
friends of the enemy of your mind.
don’t understand but i hear what you’re saying:
the repitition of a lonely soul.
no one is safe inside your zone.
* NO USE FOR A NAME - FRIENDS OF THE ENEMY *

may 26th, 2003 (civic tour)

12:18 am — haven’t written a journal entry in a long ass time, so here goes my attempt. this will cover this past labor day long weekend. on friday me, jesse and my floormate roger tried salvia… tried chewing it for half an hour and it tasted like freaking shit… and then blazed it… kind of gave a high but not really… pretty lame shit. not worth talking about.

at night me and my other floormate tim blazed teh mary jane and walked down to 7-11 for slurpees… blahblah… went to mccarty to brett (pwn^) and matt (stretch)’s room and watched “x2″… such a good movie. don’t remember much of it, though. gots to watch it again. ^__~

saturday… didn’t do much during the day and went out to dinner with arlen, matt, and pwn^… blehbleh, hung out at bubble tea playing jenga for a while… lol. we’re dorks.

sunday… didn’t do jack shit and studied a little.

monday… studied a lot during the day and went to civic tour at night with eva, josh, janine, sunoh, wendy… lotta the ScM kids were there too but didn’t end up seeing them :[ lineup was the movielife, mxpx, good charlotte, and a newfound glory (in that order). we got there too late and missed the movielife… mxpx was alright although they would have been a lot better but we were sitting too far back to enjoy it >__<; good charlotte was alright… a little cheesbally if you ask me… and a newfound glory was probably the only really GOOD act there.

so this girl took off her shirt during good charlotte’s set… and at first they were like, “can you put that back on because we’re not into that… we’re not limp bizkit…” so she put it on and i guess after that she took it back off and they’re like… “i want all of you guys to laugh at this girl right here… just do it.” so the whole crowd started laughing, and joel was like, “this girl won’t give up. i’m turning gay as we speak. every second that i see this i am turning gayer.” so she put her shirt back on and he’s like, “okay, i’m straight again.” lol.

during a newfound glory’s set, another girl took her shirt off, and they’re like, “can you put that back on?” and then they were like, ‘what are those? we’ve never seen those before. but i’m sure all of YOU guys have seen THOSE…” lol.

anyway, end of story, and stuff stuff.

—

may 18th, 2003 (…)

i’m listening to… “when you say nothing” bai allison krauss [country], “happy v-day” bai reggie and the full effect [punk], “so gone” bai monica [r&b], “disillusion” bai badly drawn boy [??].
i’m feeling… alright.

10:19 pm — i haven’t written an entry in FOREVERRRRR. ;/ so here goes.

a lot of shit has happened this past week… sort of. relatively speaking. on monday my new job called me saying, “weren’t you supposed to come in today?” although they told me to come in on the 19th… -__-; so i went in tuesday and started working… designing flyers and what not… ladida.

i’ve been spending a ridiculous amount of money lately… especially considering that i don’t have… any… money… coming in. i want to find another job for summer so that i can rake in more moola… but maybe i’m just being overachieving and i really shouldn’t do that ;X but i think it would be a good idea :/

anyways. hmm… so… work bought me a powerbook (it’s an apple)… should be a damn good laptop. i don’t know how long i get to keep it for, but let’s just hope… FOREVER :/

boring boring boring boring life. boring.

see now all the things i wanted to write about before slip from my mind.

so friday i decided to skateboard to work just because… and i was coming down this decline from campus and there was this big bump in the middle of the sidewalk and i hit it and fell… and cut both my hands and ripped my pants a little and cut my knee… and this guy who was a few feet away saw… it was way embarrassing ;X and he was sort of laughing at me… lol. he was just like, “it’s okay, shit happens.” -__-; it was soo embarrassing :/ makes me never want to skate again HAHA. quit while i’m… not further behind than i am right now. nyes.

got asked to try meth yesterday. i said, “no thanks.” he said, “what? why are you so boring now?” wtf.

went to a lan party yesterday too… no, i’m not joking. yes, it is nerdy. see the ScM boys don’t seem nerdy, but word, they are.

went to the street fair today… bought a silver ring (plain) and this freaking dope ass hemp bracelet with hematite stars… (hematite is like my favorite thing ever btw) <3 <3 <3… it’s so cool! i’ve been looking for one like this for a while. kinda wish i had bought another one… but too late now :/ what can one do with so much hemp anyways. +__+;

got a tarot card reading too… it was $1/min so we did 5-minute readings… was interesting. said that i need to learn to say no to people who ask favors… which is true. and that i want a relationship… which is true. and that i got a in a fight with my friend in the past week… which is true. and that there may be a party or celebration approaching in the next few weeks and i might meet a guy… or guys… who knows. something. accurate? i dunno… stuff. and yeah. word. later.

—

may 10th, 2003 (wow ow ow ow)

* song of the moment * — high contrast’s essential mix on radioone [drum’n'bass]. talk about yummie dnb ;D
* mood * — SOOOOO FULL.

3:47 am — i’ve been full all day, i swear… ever since i ate dinner… until now… i’ve been eating little tiny bits at a time but it just enough to make me feel overly full everytime.

smoked out today… first time in a long time. with seungbum, chol, and josh. hmm… fun… i guess. i wasn’t very high… i never get that high anymore. i swear my tolerance went up… although i don’t see how that could be possible. -__-;

skateboarded a little with arlen and matt… fell a couple ow-worthy times. time to sleep or something. got to study like a crazy biatch tomorrow and read half a book for sociology midterm on monday… and write a four page paper that i haven’t researched yet at all. FUCKMONKEY! happy mother’s day.

btw, like omg, the guitarist BILLY from good charlotte, is like, so hot, like omg.

—

may 9th, 2003 (sad day)

song of the moment - “buried myself alive” bai the used [rock], “nothing i haven’t seen” bai beck [rock], “stuck” bai allister [punk], “enjoy the silence (cover)” bai failure [rock].
mood - urgh.

3:49 am — so i can’t view anything on deviantart anymore… and i think it’s because tony got banned and he is also a uw student… and they ban ISP’s… -__-;; maybe not, but they better fix that freaking shit. or else i’m going to be pissed off, for reals.

my eyebrows is so itchy. blech. kill me.

went to tacoma area today with chol, jinie and sejin… blahblah. koreany fobulousy day. got sejin a haircut, got chol a haircut, went to eat jjajjangmyun @ royal box… hahahah… freaking… the bowls were already huge and sejin thought they would be like they are in korean and like half the size… so he got it double sized and it was fucking HUGE! you could put your whole head in that shit >__<

blahblah. afterwards, sat around and went to chol’s house… and watched “matrix” a little… :/ ra ra ra blah blah blah. then we went to visit sam and grace and went to bubble island… saw some of the dramatical tacoma kids who always have drama… and then i guess some kid kicked the store owner because the store owner banned him from being there… and this store owner guy called the police and was like, “i’m at bubble island… some guy just kicked me.” like, wtf? what the hell do the police care if some guy just kicked you? good lord. hahahaha. whatever.

and sagaji little monkeys deserve to get slapped.

late.

you almost always pick the best time to drop the worst lines;
you almost made me cry again this time.
another false alarm: red flashing lights…
well this time I’m not going to watch myself die.
i think i made it a game to play your game and let myself cry;
i buried myself alive on the inside,
so i could shut you out and let you go away for a long time.
i guess it’s okay i puked the day away;
i guess it’s better you trapped yourself in your own way.
and if you want me back,
you’re gonna have to ask nicer than that.
with my foot on your neck,
i finally have you right where i want you.
* THE USED - BURIED MSELF ALIVE *  —

may 5th, 2003 (flabmonster!)

song of the moment - “i turn to you” bai christina aguilera [r&b], “last to know” bai kai [r&b].
mood - flabby! well, not really a mood, i suppose.

12:55 am — oh my flabness. >__<; i’m such a flabmonster… FLABMONSTER! brach!

sigh.

well… some good news. i got a fucking job today that is like… as close to my dream job as i could possibly get at the moment. it’s designing a magazine for the university of washington department of education… anti-tobacco magazine. don’t really know if it’s my issue, but fucking, hell yeah. i am free to do whatever the fuck i want with the thing. i’m happy. $10/hr… cept i have to stay here for summer, which fucking sucks, because i need a fucking break from school, but oh well. but hey… they might be giving me a mac laptop… which would be unbelievably WOW or something… or at least they’ll probably give me a laptop… wowowowowoowowowowowowowowo, great. oh well.

and then people are stupid.

i can’t even believe how dumb he is. -__-;

and stuff. -__-

7:02 am — and good lord i can’t believe i have my online portfolio / resume linked to this freaking website, because anyone who knew anything about websites would likely trace it back to this website and there is much incriminating evidence on here… don’t really want to mingle the work and play together? >__< i just finished studying for music. i think i’ll be fucked… but not much else i can do because i read everything >__< so much to remember. wish i had gone to class now, good lord. useless. and i drank coffee because i don’t know why, well logically i thought it would help but now i am just freaking hella awake and it’s A WASTE OF SLEEP! >__<

ps — i am a flabmonster.

 —

may 4th, 2003 (stfu)

song of the moment - “can’t we try” bai rockell and collage [freestyle], “won’t back down” bai fuel [rock].
mood - annoyed.

3:14 am — shut the fuck up. what the fuck do you want? a cookie? jesus christ. you’re pissing me off. suck my butt; you’re pissing me off.

don’t ask me who!
don’t ask me why!
mind your own beezwax.
spanx.

suck my butt.

o( ( o . O ) )o

i watch how the moon sits in the sky on a dark night,
shining with the light from the sun;
the sun doesn’t give light to the moon
assuming the moon’s going to owe it one.
it makes me think of how you act to me;
you do favors then rapidly
you just turn around and start asking me
about things that you want back from me.
i’m sick of the tension,
sick of the hunger,
sick of you acting like i owe you this.
find another place to feed your greed
while i find a place to rest.
* LINKIN PARK - A PLACE FOR MY HEAD *—

may 2nd, 2003 (i ama freaking nerd)

i’m listening to… “fraternity life” on mtv.
i’m feeling… fucking stoked.

1:18 am — i’m watching “fraternity life” right now… very interesting. lol. i’m surprised they can show this kind of shit on tv… and that frats reveal this kind of stuff. it’s interesting watching how pledging is like. this is the third episode i’ve seen… it’s like a godamn marathon!

anyways. GOT MY FUCKING EYEBROW PIERCED (AGAIN) TODAY. HOPEFULLY THIS FUCKING SHIT WILL FUCKING STAY THIS TIME BUT I DON’T FUCKING THINK SO FUCK *crossing fingers. went today with eva, matt [nomura], and arlen. matt got his eyebrow pierced again (he has two), and eva got her ears. it was like… almost $50… :/ i had to borrow from matt because they took cash only. what the nut. so… because piercings are relatively cheap there… i’m hoping to get three more ear piercings (two lobes and one cartilage… and one lip! because it’s so godamn cheap!)… this will be after freaking summer for the lip though, so that my parents won’t see them too soon. don’t want to get disowned yet.

i finished my freaking webpage layout… and i’m almost done with the ScM layout. i’m damn happy. i’m such a freaking nerd… but WHO CARES, bitch!

—

may 1st, 2003 (diseased)

i’m listening to… “moments” bai the juliana theory [rock], “technologique park” bai orbital [breaks]. really really fucking good song, the orbital one.
i’m feeling… >__<; stomach pains.

2:17 am — i’m not sure what the fuck is going on but i’ve been eating lately and my stomach has been hurting. :/ eating too much? i don’t know. it’s odd. i’ve been sleeping at really weird hours lately as well. unfortunate indeed.

couple things. webpage… i’m hoping to get it up after midterms… sometime soon, i’d hope.

i’m doing a counterstrike webpage for the south central mccarty (scm) boys… website will be up… sometime after midterms. i actually like it… it’s been a while since i’ve done something that i actually like.

going in for a job interview on monday… it’s a design position for a teen anti-tobacco magazine… which is a really odd thing to work for, but the pay is good (i think it’s $10/hr) and it’s something i really do want to pursue, so i’m crossing my fingers that i get this fucking job. wish me luck. pray for me. do something. :\

i just looked at my bank account and i’m poor as shit, jesus christ. must… sell… more… things on e-bay. e-bay is seriously addicting. ;\

going to get eyebrow pierced tomorrow. maybe lip? i want the lip, but i think i’ll get disowned. so… probably not.

don’t you hate it when people fucking don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about but try to pretend like they’re the shit and they know everything? stfu, gg, thx. (haha, can’t stop saying that).

april 29th, 2003 (i’m all ears)

i’m listening to… “soul to squeeze” bai red hot chili peppers, “the leaving song” bai afi, “red letter day” bai the get-up kids, “intolerance” bai tool [all rock].
i’m feeling… eh.

3:00 am — i’m all ears, for real. i could probably tell you 4x as much about anyone as he or she could tell you about me. in most cases.

it might be that i assume people don’t want to listen so hence i don’t disclose information. maybe it’s because people really DON’T want to listen. i listen a lot. whether or not i really want to listen i’m unsure about… depends on the mood. oh, whatever. i’m boring in every sense of the word… and getting more boring as time passes.

this morning i stayed up til like 8 am doing an english writeup for a presentation me and sora were supposed to do in class on this short story we read called “sonny’s blues”. it’s a story about two brothers who don’t understand each other. one is a musician and one is a math teacher… and it isn’t until the math teacher listens to the musician playing the instrument that he truly understands what his brother is feeling. it makes little sense to me. english is all bullshit.

either way, i set my alarm clock for 11:30 this morning and i woke up… and tried to reset it for 12:30 because english class was at 1:30, but upon putting on my glasses, i discovered they were busted, so i totally forgot about resetting my alarm clock and just went back to sleep all frustrated. went to class late and had to rush there… by the time i got there, our presentation was more than half over and all i could talk about was stupid shit. if i really try, like i did today, i can think of a billion ways to analyze english texts and bullshit, but most of the time i really just don’t care enough or find enough significance in analyzing english texts because i sure as hell don’t believe them or agree. ;/ to me stories are just… stories. some have things you can learn from them, but if you learn anything, you’ll learn it from just reading. analyzing it to death will just be exactly that. ;/

SO FUCKING SICK OF DORM FOOD. people say to appreciate it because next year we won’t have it, but i seriously cannot imagine appreciating it because that shit is foul. well, for a while it’s alright, but after eating too much, you get disgusted, or at least i do. and it’s expensive as shit. not worth it. >__<

i bought a $300 digital camera on e-bay today (that is including shipping and handling). WHY? i’m not quite fucking sure, but i’m going to sell my old one and sell some other shit and hopefully get that money back because it really is expensive >__<;

if any of you have ever seen maynard from tool sing… his singing is absolutely amazing but the WAY he looks when he sings is ridiculous and hilarious.

sigh.

sometimes all you really need is a little hope and to hear certain words to keep going. when you don’t hear these things, you start dying inside. we all know the obvious and that doesn’t need to be restated, but goals for the better should be.

HAHAHA omg so i was going to post this link: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/dante-inferno-test.html in a chatroom in mIRC… and i accidentally forgot that i just copy and pasted my journal entry from my webpage which is offline to this forum thing… and i fucking posted my whole journal entry in the mIRC chatroom. OH FUCKING EMBARRASSING. BLOODY HELL.

(dahye’s response:)
viv… man…you still have not changed. Im so glad. I got your letter and its so damn pretty you suck. I cant live up to that. Mine are so retarted now. But yes…i shall be sending you my mail soon! Missyou lots and come back to cali soon! Love, dahye gongju

—

april 27th, 2003 (nothing gold can last)

i’m listening to… “say my name” bai destiny’s child, “do you want my love” bai coco lee, “don’t know why” bai norah jones, “nobody knows” bai tony rich project, “the way we were” bai m-flo, “lately” bai divine, “always be my baby” bai mariah carey [all r&b].
i’m feeling… pain in my ears from earphones plus glasses at same time.

7:30 am — i hardly know why i’m awake. i didn’t sleep. played some cs scrims and then tried to sleep but was unable to, so i stayed up and read some english and did an english paper that’s due today. sigh.

i don’t have much to write, but i need to write.

first off… i feel so godamn special because mitch wrote me a poem… not no sappy love poem, but all the same as well. http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/1773074. i don’t know him or much about him. but it hardly matters. :/ it’s true for any writing that touches anyone… that’s what’s so great about it… you take what the writer writes and add your own thoughts, interpretations, experiences… and you emerge with what is originally there… and then some. there are ways to misinterpret things… but it hardly matters as long as the way you interpret it is significant enough for you. for example, a perfect circle’s song “3 libras”… with lyrics posted below… jesse told me it’s not even a lost-love-sappy-love-song. how else can i interpret it though? that’s all it seems like to me… and it’s fine that way.

but yeah… feeling someone else’s emotion… i think there’s little better than that.

i’ve been driving myself crazy these days. why? i don’t know. how? i don’t know. there just has been this incredible emptiness inside of me. go figure. it’s nothing new.

everyone’s getting hooked up. or is already hooked up. it’s been a while, but i’m just all the more reminded of it these days. it sucks. i think that’s part of it. actually, i KNOW that’s part of it. i don’t even know the last time… since… anything! lo lordy. it makes me feel like there is just a whole shitload wrong with me, and shit, there is, but shit, some other people have even more wrong with them, so WHAT THE NUT HOMIE WORD YO!

it’s kind of annoying how my life fluctuates up and down like mad. i have these moments of just damn happiness and clear-headed thinking and i totally understand the good points of life and why people would be glad to live life… and then i have moments the next week where nothing matters, as usual, and life sucks, as always. i’m not sure what DOES keep me going, what i DO have, or what i HAVE lost. feels like a little, feels like a little, feels like a lot.

i’m sick of trying to do things that i could do but am losing the ability to do… there doesn’t seem to be enough time to complete anything, or enough desire or motivation or just general positive reinforcement for anything. little passion to do this, even less passion to do that. seems like a cycle to nowhere. seems like nothing really matters. for me it seems like i start out better than everyone else, and i remain at the same point throughout my life. my writing, my reading, my art, my designing, my webpaging, my language skills, my life. i’ve said this a million times. sunoh can relate. i don’t know who else can. before anyone knows anything about it, i am the pro, the hero, the godamn good one. and then as soon as anyone knows anything about anything that i know something about, it becomes nothing. i start off fine, and i don’t really improve, ever. it’s like this constant cycle of mediocrity that fucking is my life.

nothing lasts. nothing fucking lasts.

just grabbing at straws and emerging with empty hands. life works that way.

my grandma is going to fucking keel over and die any fucking day now. i don’t know how else to say it. i’ve been meaning to call them but i haven’t been able to find the time or the place on my mind. i’ve never ever experienced a funeral or the death of ANYONE and i hardly know how i’m going to react. it’s inevitable… just fucking sucks being old… fucking sucks having so many things and not being able to remember any of those things. it’s fucking sad that people grow old, lose everything they had because their mind can no longer handle it, and even lose the everyday things we take for granted… and the ability to do those things. eating, fucking pissing, and bullshit. it’s just a fucking downward spiral to more of nothing… just an ending of uncertainty and a lifetime of bullshit. god. just thinking about all that people DON’T have is enough to drive someone insane. some people may have it all but may not even have the ability to comprehend that they have it all… that’s shit. i really hope everyone just dies and just fucking dies and that there isn’t a benevolent, all-knowing, omnipresent god because if so, i’ll have some fucked up things to say to him. never knowing all the uncertain things is enough to drive someone insane. fuck this shit.

me, eva, and alex had some fucking hippie moment on the quad today… between all the buildings… alex brought a blanket and we just laid under the sun talking about things, observing people, attempting to sleep, and attempting to study. i’ve always walked by random people, watched them sitting there, and wanted to do it myself. alas, i have not until today… it’s dope… it is. we called it a hippie moment, but it really was, because for some time it just felt like no worries, no thoughts, no stress, nothing but enjoying life. how often the fuck can you do that? seriously? too bad we can’t all just do what the fuck we want without thinking about the repercussions. ;/

and now i’m going to stop.

difficult not to feel a little bit
disappointed and passed over.
threw you the obvious
just to see what occurs behind the eyes of a fallen angel:
eyes of a tragedy.
here i am expecting just a little bit too much
from the wounded.
well.
oh well.
apparently nothing.
you don’t see me.
you don’t see me at all.
* A PERFECT CIRCLE - 3 LIBRAS *—

april 25th, 2003 (stuipd white people… says not i)

i’m listening to… nothing because eva is sleeping.
i’m feeling… whatevers.

3:54 pm — went to all my classes, yay! sat around for a long while… then at night went to arlen and matt’s to drinkage. ;/ sooo we got some alchie (smirnoff vodka with vanilla twist) from chol’s dorm and i asked him to come with us and he said okay… met up with brett [murphy] (slimey), brett [?] (pwn), and colin and we walked across campus *yawn. yadda yaddeh.

after we got there went to get some greasy ass food from terry cafe. huk. been eating lotsa grease as of late -__-; went scouting for bums to buy the boys beer after that ;/ walked down to safeway which was pretty far actually… and tried to find a bum outside of there but they were belligerent and stuff. and this one bum was like, “you need to give me a nickle because you’re crossing my sidewalk. you assholes have no respect for the people who sleep here and eat here.” i don’t even think anyone had a nickle. so… yeah. no money for him and his drunk ass. he was like dodging cars and shit and scaring people walking next to their cars. O__o;

so later we were just walking around safeway and slimey found some guy who was a bum, but claimed he wasn’t a bum, so maybe he wasn’t a bum… to buy beers and tipped him like three bucks. so they emerged with just this huge box of beer and we found some other box in a dumpster and put it in there so it would be somewhat concealed… and there was this basketball lying in the gutter so they just added that into the box also. then we found some nasty ass suitcase in another trash can and were going to use that but it was [1] too nasty and [2] had weird stuff in it and [3] had no zipper. so back to the box it was.

blahblah. took like 5 shots… or more… i don’t know, really, because we didn’t have shot glasses. made everyone take a shot with me… someone doubled up because matt wouldn’t… i forget who. O__o; chol left early cause he was bored out of his mind, i bereeve. went to terry 265 or something to visit some other people who were drinking and i said something about, “i hate white people” although i was joking… and of course i said it when the room was silent so there were just these, “what?!”’s… lol. ha ha. oh well. whatever. stupid white people.

but yeah whatever… slimey left early with some girl so pwn and colin walked me back. la la la la. end of story.

oh wait! we went back to arlen’s room to grab my stuff and sat there for a little bit… and freaking arlen was talking shit to his neighbor and he ended up pounding on the door screaming “you bitch! come out here!” and shit and then he opened the door and was like “i’m cool with matt but i have a problem with you arlen” and then they made up and kissed (okay, not really) and everything was okay. but the police came because a lot of people heard a ‘disturbance’ and reported it and they asked us about it but arlen said it was no big deal and that he didn’t know who it was and it was all good. lol.

btw, everyone has a boyfriend or girlfriend, i swear to the lord. I’M THE ONLY LOSER NOW! -__-;

call me insensitive or call me whatever the fuck you want, but i will say things to you the way i mean them. if i think you’re being a dick, i’ll act like i think you are one.

—

april 24th, 2003 (i’m content)

i’m listening to… “2 run hiphop” bai jinusean [korean], “dream formula” bai the cynic project [trance].
i’m feeling… rawr.

10:58 pm — i’ll make this quick. sum41, no use for a name, and the starting line concert at the paramount in downtown seattle two nights ago. got there at around 7:45 with josh, janine, sunoh and myself. janine’s first concert. the starting line had already started their set. maybe we got there a little later; i’m not quite sure. anyways. they were alright. i swear they changed lead singers from last time i saw them @ warped tour, but perhaps i am wrong. anyways. saw trask during the intermission set-up time before the two bands. yip skip.

no use for a name was good. cheesy, though. lol. they looked all hardcore and they made us say stuff like, “1, 2, i’m content with myself” or something. ha ha. funny. they were good. their songs rock so hard. i like them much. they weren’t as good as i had hoped, although i don’t know why. not enough energy. i guess? not sure.

sum 41 was fucking awesome and i would have expected no less. in fact i like their newest album’s songs a lot better now that i’ve heard them in concert. they sound a lot better than before. blahblah. the crowd fucking sucked. there was a lot of energy during the first song and then during “fat lip” but after that the crowd freaking died and there was just this huge open space where the mosh pit was but sorta wasn’t because not a single person was in it. go figure. they ended with “still waiting” and “motivation”… which i was happy about because motivation is one of my favorite songs by them. crowd was still relatively dead, though. oh well.

gareth, alex, and eddie came over earlier and they made a gay porno with my webcam. nothing gross and it was clean but just very suggestive. it was hilarious. lol. i’ll post it sometime. —

april 20th, 2003 (hedonist’s masquerade… boring)

i’m listening to… “soft mistake” bai lamb [trip-hop], “unicorn theme” bai tangerine dream [ambient].
i’m feeling… rawr.

5:26 pm — relationships are most definitely drama. but i still want one.

this weekend has been rather odd. let’s start from friday. went to one of my classes… probably like the second class i went to all week. it was criminology. fucking died in it almost because my allergies (or so i assumed) were acting up and killing me and shit, and i felt absolutely miserable. heh. came home… sat around… slept some… played some cs… went to dinner with scm boys trask, brett, jeremy, and matt [buckholtz?]… went to play pool with chol and derek, and sebastian because he was working there… played well for once until i got tired and then played like shit because i couldn’t concentrate :/ went home, took some nyquil, then slept like a mofo. then stupid mirc was making all these weird beeping sounds because arlen was doing something funky to it to get my attention and of course it worked and i ended up scrimming from like 12:30 am to 5 am… omigod jesus… a little too much. seungbum tried it too for his first time and i’m not sure if he liked it or not, but yeah. arlen, matt [nomura], and brett ended up staying up until like eight am scrimming. fucking crazy ass mofoberries. la la la.

saturday, slept all day. woke up. slept some more. ate. stuff. got bored. went to rave. hedonist masquerade. dropped one orange chickenhead. sucked ass. haven’t dropped for like six months. lasted like… an hour. or two. waste of dropping. it was okay fun. didn’t want to go, but turned out better than i thought. still not good, though. nice seeing everyone again though… haven’t seen a bunch of those people in freaking forevers. :/ blah, blah. raving just isn’t the same anymore. word.

and sunday was more goofing off. ah, yes, my boring life. whatever. don’t feel like typing. isn’t it obvious. i told you this was boring.

—

april 17th, 2003 (:<)

i’m listening to… “here with me” bai michelle branch [pop rock].
i’m feeling… rawr.

link of the day — http://maddox.xmission.com/26_things.html. this guy is hilarious. some of the stuff he writes isn’t that funny, but this one… and a lot of other ones like this one… are fucking hilarious. ^__^

10:57 pm — this has been the most horrific week of the school year, i think. i’m kind of glad i have a few people i know in my classes to fucking keep my retarded ass in check (more or less). -__-;;; allergy season is coming. it’s death. fucking death, i tell you. i’m going crazy.

and what the fuck. where do people who barely know me get the idea to just start talking to me like they’re best friends with me after not talking to me for like a half a year? people who you sort of knew to begin with… that’s fine. people who you’ve talked to like twice… what the hell? go away. go eat a sock -__-;

doesn’t this face rock or what?
:<
you bet your bones it does.

oh, and i still have bad luck! FOREVER

—

april 12th, 2003 (arlen, the drag queen)

i’m listening to… “unstoppable” bai the calling [rock].
i’m feeling… whatevers.

7:43 pm — i’ll make this quick because i don’t feel like typing really. did a lot of random stuff yesterday but the most amusing part of the night was when arlen and matt came over to play cards… we played about three rounds of cards and then got bored… and for some reason arlen brought up that his old girlfriend had put nail polish on him before so it was like *ding! lightbulb! and so i put a whole shitload of makeup on arlen… nail polish… every nail was a different color. it’s so ugly. and eyeshadow. and black lip gloss. wOo. matt put on black nailpolish… and arlen black nailpolished one of his teeth so it looks like he’s missing a tooth. heh. then matt put eyeshadow on me and arlen put lipstick on me… and wrote “ima slut” -__-; pictures here. disturbingly hilarious and very entertaining for the time being.

yeah, for the most-part though… life is driving me absolutely crazy. school sucks and is overloading me. i have the attention span of a monkey. maybe worse. i have a crush on a guy i barely even know because why? i don’t know. and i’m spending a lot of money that i don’t have to spend… mostly on concerts and raves. i’m thinking about not going to the good charlotte, a newfound glory, and mxpx concert because, fuck, it’s fucking expensive and i don’t really like ANY of them all that much but sigh fuck. i don’t know what i’m going to do. *ripping out hair.

picture time. disturbed. be disturbed.

bye. <3 <3

—

april 8th, 2003 (life)

i’m listening to… “i request from you” bai wax [korean].
i’m feeling… okay.

word of the day — synthenesia, meaning “a condition in which one type of stimulation evokes the sensation of another (ex: hearing a sound produces visualization of color)”. wow. neat.

1:17 am — i’ve been thinking lately about a lot of things. it seems like everyone is having all these problems… relationship problems, friend problems, shit problems, problems (problems… problems?! chris rock, jea!). there have been things that have changed my mind significantly in the past few weeks or the past month… from various different events. since watching “magnolia”, i’ve had the desire to live my life differently… although that only made a small impact. since then… last weekend i shroomed and that experience made me change my mind a lot. i remember thinking when i was grillin that anything you want to accomplish is possible if you put your mind to it… and i suppose it is. since then, i’ve actually been trying to go to all my classes (although considering i never went last year, going at all is really a wonderful feat for me). so that night… after shrooming… i was talking to a couple of boys and it seemed like the theme in everyone’s lives were the same… heartbreak… pain… stuff. crappy stuff. i seriously hate it when guys complain a lot, but it just made me feel bad and it made me feel like i had to be there for some of them. odd. in some ways i guess i am trying to be a real friend… and appreciate people for who they are… and in a way i am trying to understand what it means to feel and appreciate life. so i’ve been learning that people are what make this life worthwhile… although they can be bitches and bastards often times, people are all you really have.

so i shroomed again like two days ago and that actually killed my desire for betterment… but then i went to the ataris and the juliana theory concert yesterday and the ataris fucking made it for me. they had that one song “my reply” (see post below) and that song and “in this diary” which was written about their lives making music together the past six years or so just made me feel. what’s better than being with people who make you happy and appreciating the things around you? little. hopefully these changes will stay, because i’m trying to change.

here in this diary,
i write you visions of my summer.
it was the best i ever had.
there were choruses and sing-alongs,
and not a spoken feeling.
i’m knowing that right now is all that matters.
all the nights we stayed up talking
and listening to 80’s songs,
quoting lines from all those movies that we love.
it still brings a smile to my face.
i guess when it comes down to it…
breaking into hotel swimming pools,
and wreaking havoc on our world.
hanging out at truck stops just to pass the time.
the black top’s singing me to sleep.
lighting fireworks in parking lots,
illuminate the blackest nights.
cherry cokes under this moonlit summer sky.
2015 Riverside, it’s time to say, “goodbye.”
get on the bus, it’s time to go.
being grown up isn’t half as fun as growing up;
these are the best days of our lives.
the only thing that matters
is just following your heart
and eventually you’ll finally get it right.
* THE ATARIS - IN THIS DIARY * —

april 7th, 2003 (my reply)

i’m listening to… “the one i gave my heart to” bai aaliyah [r&b], “you always say goodnight, goodnight” bai the juliana theory [rock].
i’m feeling… fine.

1:12 am — didn’t go classes today because i am mad lazy. :/ amykchung called me at lunch because she was at 8 (the mcmahon dining area) so i ate with her and suejung… afterwards we sat around sue’s dorm watching weird shows like “braceface” and the olsen twins show. amusing little kiddie shows, weeeee! oh there was also this show called “scare tactics” where they set up practical jokes and just try to scare people. amoozing, if i do say so myself.

@ night was the ataris, the juliana theory, yellowcard, and further seems forever concert. first was yellowcard… they were cool. i don’t know their songs well, though… so… blah. but they were amusing. a lotta energy too. further seems forever was next. they sucked bitching ass. jesus lord. give me back 45 minutes of my life. :X well i guess they’re not that bad, but they’re not even close to good. haha. next was the juliana theory and they rocked as usual but i think they had some sound problems because their equipment got so loud it was distorted at points. not as good as the last time i saw juliana, but still worth it, and still lovely. hmmm the ataris were last and they were really, really good. you know a band is good when you don’t know their songws all that well and you can still have a wonderful time.

well, tis all. i just ate a big fat meal of greasy chinese food (right before going to bed. this is how one gets fat). sigh. should study but don’t want to study.

microsoft called me today and i get to do this playtest for them on wednesday… i get a free software of my choice for participating (out of a list they’re going to mail me soon)… and so… yeah. imma sell it on e-bay or something for like 200 bucks. it’ll be great. maybe it’ll make up for the crazy amount of money i’ve been spending on shows lately. ta-ta.

2:25 am — nevermind, because i have more to say. i hate it when people stop liking bands because they “sold out” and are on mtv. i have no problem with bands being on mtv and being famous. everyone wants to be there… it’s unfair to hate on those who are there just because they’ve worked hard to gain recognition. it is not possible to say that any band doesn’t want recognition for all the work they put into their music. and yes, maybe being ‘mainstream’ does change their music style, but who is to say if their music style changes because they’ve grown as songwriters and are exploring different techniques or if it’s actually because they’re greedy and want to create songs that sell? who can say? i just thought of this because today when good charlotte and a newfound glory were mentioned, everyone started booing… not that i like good charlotte or a newfoudn glory both particularly much (although i do like certain songs by both… and nfg more)… i wouldn’t boo them because they are ‘mainstream’. blah, whatever. stupid little boppers ;D

i got your letter and the poetry you sent me,
postmarked in december of last year.
i really hope you’re doing better;
all your friends close by your side,
one step closer to recovery.
i wish there was something i could say
to erase each and every page
you’ve been through,
even though its not my place to save you.
i appreciate but can’t accept this thank you note
that’s sealed with your last breath.
and i won’t stand aside
and listen to you give up .
if you’ll just hold on for one more second;
just hold on to what you have.
just hold on/.
these arms remain stretched out to you;
maybe someday you’ll accept them.
maybe its too late to save a young girl’s heart
that wont stop beating.
wake up, wake up;
you’ve gotta believe.
wake up, wake up;
you cant give up.
time keeps going on without us,
long after we’re dead and gone.
* THE ATARIS - MY REPLY *
(written to one of their fans who wrote them a letter regarding her hardships. the lead singer sang this song tonight and he sang it so passionately… it was so damn sexay)—

april 5th, 2003 (party in the head)

i’m listening to… “groovejet” bai dj spiller [?].
i’m feeling… okay.

5:27 pm — so… shroomed. again. let me tell you abot last time since i never said anything about it… last time being last week. last week was with chol and josh, with janine and seungbum around. that time was completely unplanned but seung was taunting me to eat some so i did just for the hell of it and then had to eat more because - well, why eat some (and get no effect) only? so yeah. that was okay. we went to qfc… went to look for some spraypaint… and self-invited over to steve and mike’s apartment where we watched “spirited away” which bored me to death. it was neat… nothing really to talk about… just a really distorted sense of thinking and skewed perspective on things.

yesterday, however, i saw jack shit… everything was just really fucking funny, though. so that was amusing. i remember thinking “movies are all made from movies” and i thought it was the funniest thing ever. go figure. and well, it was me, eva, jesse, and matt… and seung was there watching us, i guess. we took some and i was going crazy in our room so we were going to go take a walk but it was raining… so we sat downstairs in the lobby for like an hour and a half hah. jesse left early - who knows why, and after we got bored of sitting downstairs we went upstairs because alex told us to visit him and just hung out in their cluster for like three hours… we were going to go play nintendo in our room but then eva passed out and we just sat around for a while doing nothing… but it was amusing. party in the head. it’s CRAZY! for serious. and then matt disappeared and no one knew where he went. nothing else to say though. no doing that stuff for a long ass motherfucking time. i turn all selfish and little girl-like. word.

oh… then after i came back i tried to go to sleep but alas it did not work… and i wanted to go for a walk so i asked a couple people but only tony said yes… and we went for a walk around campus a little and then decided to go skateboarding at 3 am… break in my board… and it was fun… i fell once because we were coming down this hill and there was just a freaking curb and so i had to bail… i think i bruised my thigh… and tore my knee… hah. i haven’t had a scar on my knee since i was little (i had 1238237 of them back in the day though). well, yeah, interesting it was.

—

april 4th, 2003 (creepy
i’m listening to… “last chance” bai allure [r&b], “sober” bai tool [metal], “to my love” bai t [korean].
i’m feeling… okay.

link of the day — http://pub169.ezboard.com/feqluclinfrm12.showMessageRange?topicID=532.topic&start=1&stop=20. creepy.

1:14 am — i am currently doing laundry. wOo. so i said that i created a new webpage layout which i would put up sometime soon… well… i’m bored and sick of it, although i’ve barely looked at it… so… basically… i don’t know if i’m going to put it up. but i’m even more sick of this one. ack. decisions, decisions.

going to shroom in a couple of days… and then no more for a long while. which isn’t hard, since they’re difficult to get ahold of in these parts… for some reason.

missed my first class today… NOT ON PURPOSE… i was actually quite pissed that i missed it >__<; i thought it was one of my sociology classes, but i walked in and alas, discovered it was NOT… and it was some earth and space sciences class. i hate going into another class and then walking out huk… luckily i wasn’t late or anything. that’d have sucked, indeed. ;/ but yeah… it turned out to be my music class at that time, and well, it was too late to go home and figure that out and go back to class, so oh well. *cry. :/ i was so proud of my non-missing-class-ness too. i will go into detail later about things that changed me ol’ mind.

anyways. after class i went to the ave to get my course packet for english and to return some books at the bookstore and stuff… and i happened to see chol, minsoo, and some other chick there but the two girls left early so i dragged chol around with me to the bookstore and then we went back to my dorm and watched “ghost ship” with josh and andrea. i must say they killed people very creatively in that movie, but it wasn’t all that good. oh well.

i’ve come to realize it is a lot easier for me to empathize with people that i don’t know as opposed to people i DO know. i don’t really know why. i think generally before i know people WELL i have some preconceived notion of what kind of people they are, and usually my preconceived notion makes them seem better than they are in reality. so after i get to know them, i don’t want to sympathize with them anymore, whereas before i got to know them i thought they were someone they really were not and therefore sympathized with them more… wishful thinking, you might say. not sure if this makes sense anyways. well, whatever… time to finish cleaning the pigsty. :] and reading… oh yeah. for soc 271 i’m reading a book on legalized prostitution in nevada… i can see this being interesting! :]

3:50 am — also… i like a perfect circle… a LOT. their songs are… good. hahahaha… > tool by a lot, in my book… but saying that to people = muchu stigma.

btw, i never understood why people who can’t handle the reality of things put themselves in such positions to be let down by unwanted results. more on this later. now = sleep.

—

april 2nd, 2003 (s:kul)

i’m listening to… “champagne” bai 311 [rock], “boys of summer (cover)” bai the ataris [punk], “she runs away” bai duncan sheik [light rock].
i’m feeling… okay.

2:28 am — school started a couple days ago. good stuff. taking criminology (soc 371), intro to deviance (soc 271), writing: literature (english 111), and music theory (mus 116). hmm… finally have people in my classes this quarter. first quarter in a long time in which i’ve had people ion my classes. carolynn, kai, and joel are in my crim class, sora’s in my english class, and marcela and april are in my music theory class. so many kai-sigs sorority girls O__x

so i’ve concluded that guys are just big perverts and are all about the sex. sigh. hopeless. and girls who are whores are fucking sick. girl with 20 sex partners? SICK! i mean, it’s gross for guys, but for girls, it’s even grosser. i don’t really know why i have such a double standard… but i guess i just think girls SHOULD know better. sigh. hopeless looking for an innocent guy now for they do not exist. -__-; sigh. hopeless.

so i drank this fucking soy milk i bought from our student store today and it was fucking BAD… fuck… it like burned my throat and shit! fuck soy milk! it was like acid, i tell you! fucking hurt! i should sue the mothabitches!

i demand you all take this and inform me of the results. http://sminds.com/cgi-bin/match.pl?compare=vivs579%40hotmail.com. if it doesn’t work, try again later because the site often has problems. stolen from diana.

i want to go to lollapalooza this year… for incubus and a perfect circle (if they go). queens of the stone age and audioslave will be there too… but i think the both of them are just alright. new radiohead album is out and i like it better than their others. new linkin park is alright. i am not impressed or thoroughly amused, but i guess i didn’t really expect anything all that great and innovative. *shrug. go to hell.

march 22nd to 28th, 2003 (fancy this, bloke!)

i’m listening to… “civil war” bai guns’n'roses [rock], some piano instrumental bai jim brickman [instrumental], “my paper heart” bai the all-american rejects [punk rock], “criminal” bai fiona apple [rock], “endless love” bai richard clayderman [piano], “buried myself alive” bai the used [rock], “shinobi vs dragon ninja” bai lost prophets [rock], “still laughing” bai lost prophets [rock], “noise and kisses” bai the used [rock], “and she told me to leave” bai lost prophets [rock], “the taste of ink” bai the used [rock], “miles away from nowhere” bai lost prophets [rock], “for sure” bai lost prophets [rock], “ode to summer” bai lost prophets [rock], “the fake sound of progress” bai lost prophets [rock] <~ listening to hella the lost prophets because jeanette’s thomas told me that they were like a british INCUBUS <3
i’m feeling… dehydrated and jetlagged ;P

saturday, march 22nd — haowei and lewis came down to cali from washington so i met up with them in san jose and we went to the great mall and just walked around. that was no fun because they are not the type of guys who are fun to go shopping with :/ took them to golfland afterwards but i had no freaking cash so now i owe lewis like five bucks because i took all his money. HAHA. there’s freaking time crisis three! it’s so dope ass. <3 i lava it!

here goes the account of my trip to england with jeanette, sherry, tin-win, and karen… wOo! whatever, it’s more for myself than for you anyway, so it’ll be long and boring.

sunday, march 23rd — took the airplane to london’s heathrow airport. the airport fucking sucks. it is the most inefficient airport i’ve ever seen. took the taxi to our hotel in paddington which is in central london (the airport is on the outskirts). randomly saw vivian [huang] at the airport! she was staying in london for a night and then going to france. very very random. O__o; noticed upon trading money that things are crazy expensive in england and the exchange rate fucking sucks (for americans). +__+; $160 us was like 95 pounds or so :X
[1] checked in.
[2] got some fish’n'chips (because they’re an ‘england thing’) and picniced (is that a word?) at hyde park. expensive, unimpressive food. i’ve had better in the states :/ -__-; got my white pants dirty while trying to pose for a stupid picture at some stupid dirty water fountain. AGH!
[3] at night met up with jeanette’s buddy allen (or alan? i dunno) at leicester square and we went drinking at ‘propaganda’ with some people. don’t know everyone’s names but i know allen, john, tony, and jenny were there. neat stuff. bunch of random people from the states… from different part of the states, at that. O__o; it was fun i guess… we had these flavored vodka shots and they were really smooth and really good…! smoooth. so this one bartender lady got us shots and i paid her and she said she’d come back with change but i guess sherry put it in my bag without me knowing. later we went up to the counter and some other lady made us other drinks (a chocolate monkey!) and i was like, “did that fucking lady give me back my change?” and the lady who was making our drinks thought i was talking about her when i wasn’t and she got all moody and slammed the money down… and i apologized to her twice but i’m not too sure if she believed me. whatever, too drunk to really care. too drunk to stay awake. HAHA. there were these thirty-year old guys who had fun macking on the girls in our group. heh. yuk.
[4] went to allen’s hotel room and just straight-up passed out wahaha. :/ should have left early but we ended up just wasting time… uhhh not sure what i remember. whatever.

monday, march 24th
[1] we woke up early to take the ‘big bus tour’… wOo, doesn’t that sound exciting? it’s where you ride those double-decker busses with a bunch of other confused vacationers and take various stops at various tourist attraction areas… hop-on, hop-off, blahblah, blahblah.
[2] went on a boat on the river thames and just saw the riverline.
[3] went to westminster abby which is basically just a church-like placewhere they buried a lotta people. lotta famous religious and secular individuals. there was an anti-church protest between the bigben / house of parliament and westminster… it was… well, it was dinky, but interesting.
[3] went to the national gallery (one of the art museums). most museums in england (or at least london) are free which is pretty fucking dope ass since other things are so godamn expensive there… speaking of, we should have gone to more museums then -__-;; anyway, the national gallery was a fucking trip for me because i have spent this whole past quarter studying early renaissance art (well, sort of studying) and so actually seeing these paintings that i just merely saw in books earlier was a trip because they look so freaking different in real life. same goes for the old gothic buildings… we hella studied gothic architecture too so that was a trip as well ^__^
[4] went shopping sorta and i bought a bag.
[5] passed out really fucking early because we were jetlagged and the previous night we all basically went to sleep at 3 am and naturally woke up at 7 am. it was odd.

tuesday, march 25th
[1] woke up early and went to buckingham palace to watch the changing of the guards. it really was nothing interesting. :/ hard to see, hard to care, hard to be entertained. boring, overrated, waste of time.
[2] went shopping in the oxford circus area. bought a bunch of shit… like three mesh shirts and some weird wire photo frame thing from some chinese fob guy (you’d have to see it to know what it was really)… it’s just a piece of wire bended into words that say “mom<3dad”… i don’t know :/ bought some other stuff that i don’t really remember at the moment so blah. they have such cool ass clothes in england… seriously… they have such cybery-ravery-rockery style there. i freaking love it. if i lived there… man! would be neat. all their clothes are so godamn expensive though… sucks. i wanted to steal so much stuff but i ended up just taking a couple of bracelets :/ too scared of the unknown.
[3] went to the club “propaganda”… stood outside for some freezing cold, boring ass time. didn’t have much fun because i didn’t drink much… only took like one shot and it was all hip-hop music and i don’t really like hip-hop, nor do i know how to dance to hip-hop… so no, it was not much fun.
[4] after the club we were going to go hang out with thomas if jeanette wanted to but we (me, sherry, john, and tony for part of the time) ended up waiting for her because she was waiting for thomas to go home because his friends ditched him and stuff because he took too long. oh, so complicated. it was entertaining, but lame because it was all cold and shit. -__-; meanwhile, tin-win and karen got lost on the bus and it was just a weird ass night for all of us.

wednesday, march 26th
[1] we woke up late… were going to go to cambridge but woke up too late for the train and shit. ;[ so we just went to the tower of london… saw the crown jewels and some other stuff… i thought it was entertaining although i didn’t manage to get the student discount because i fucking didn’t bring my id… RAWR*. jeanette was bored out of her mind. she has the attention span of a small monkey… or perhaps less. but yeah, there were a couple of towers in which prisoners who were famous individuals (like lords, barons, etc. and their families) were kept… and basically they were prisoners who lived lavishly and their only limitation was that they couldn’t leave the tower area… but jeez, they had nice furnishing and shits.
[2] went to starbucks and sat around for a while and karen noted her observation that although people in london drive on the opposite sides of the street, the general flow of HUMAN traffic is the same as in the united states. if that makes sense to you.
[3] went on ‘the eye’ which is just this giant, white rotating ferris wheel which is futuristic looking. we were talking about how we would turn it into a house or something. that’d be dope ass… dope ass indeed. you can get a really good view of london from it, but whatever… it cost like fifteen bucks (in us money). it was pretty, but i would have preferred not paying the money.
[4] went with jeanette to the motherfucking ‘ministry of sound’. not even a big deal there. only cost 8 bucks to get in… which is like the cheapest. sherry would have gone but she thought it was all elektronika because that’s what we thought but there ended up being a hip-hop room. :/ tin-win and karen were just uninterested in participating in such things. the three of them ended up going to a bar and getting drunk and stuff. oh yeah! there was this finch concert that night and as we were coming up from the subway to meet up with john and tony they just got out and there were just a bunch of finch posters posted up in the streets so i grabbed a couple and lugged them around and stuff… haha. when we got to the ministry of sound, i hid it inside the gate thing they had and the security guard was like, “hey! what are you doing!” and then jeanette was like, “just let her put it in there… it’s just a poster and she really wants it.” or something. geez, i’m such a little kid :/ hehe. but yeah, i lugged it all the way back home on the plane and stuff… just for a stupid cardboard finch poster. i’m a weirdass. ministry of sound was fucking fun (even though i got really tired at like 1:30 am). this was like the first time i’ve really had fun at a club… (1/4… not like i go clubbing much). took a double shot to begin with and then another half shot and i was pretty freaking drunk. hahaha. fucking sad ass low ass tolerance. then again, we didn’t eat dinner, but that’s really not much of an excuse. after the doubleshot, i was telling jeanette, “i’m not feeling anything” and then like yeah, two minutes later, “oh yeah jeanette, i’m drunk.” -__-;;; weaksauce hehe. but it’s cheap drunkeness and i like it that way! ;] but yeah it was fun. weird how you have fun when you’re really drunk. hehe. i still don’t know how to dance to hip-hop though, but just having the elektronika rooms made it a lot better for me, i think. it was pretty too… yessssss. i dunno. it was fun.
[5] it was expensive to get back to paddington from there because it was far… it would have been like 30 pounds but thomas got us a cab and bargained for like 12 pounds… and we got some nigerian dude… and jeanette hella lied to him about her having a kid and a boyfriend who beat her if she talked to guys or something. crazy girl.

thursday, march 27th
[1] went to cambridge because all of our parents really wanted us to go there. whatever… it was nothing all that interesting or special to me! but it was pretty. i could not imagine going to school in an area that had all this catholic history and stuff. it’s neat. there was this metal picket fence thing where there were just these paper slips and a pen and you could write your opinions on the war. there were just like… hundreds of papers of people’s reactions. very neat… i thought it was a terrific idea.
[2] went to see the ’stomp’ show… that was freaking neat ass stuff dude. we were talking about watching a show while in england… i wanted to watch ‘bombay dreams’ because it’s new and it’s by the maker of ‘phantom of the opera’… but ’stomp’ was freaking amazing. i literally had my mouth open (kind of embarrassing :/) they could make music out of fucking everything. brooms, feet, plastic bags, paper cups, garbage cans, finger snaps, pipes, matchboxes… freaking amazing. so talented. i can’t imagine the amount of work and choreography that would that would be involved. all those people must be freaking fit and buff as hell too.
[3] at night we really just didn’t do much… met up with john and thomas before we had to leave and sat around in starbucks. jeanette and thomas then went to a bar and got drunken while me, sherry, and john went to the arcade which closed, the pool place which sucked, and a restaurant in chinatown, which was fucking hella rude. oh yeah… i played time crisis three and freaking… died in like twenty seconds! i can’t believe it… it was so sad. i’ve never died that fast in time crisis… shoot, much less any game really. ridiculous! anyway, in chinatown, we ate our food and drank our water and then were playing around with the glass cups and they came and took them away. then john was playing with this glass sauce container’s lid cover and while it was still in his hands this chick came up and took it away. haha. funny, though. we sat there for a really long time and were waiting for jeanette to call and when she finally did we went back to paddington and thomas came with us too. end of story. the end.

conclusions:
- talking in british accents is fun.
- talking in all accents is fun.
- i want a guy.
- jeanette wants thomas bad.
- alcohol makes most things fun.
- british people totally fancy asians, perhaps because they’re rare.
- england is too godamn expensive.
- singing random songs like zazu’s coconut song from “lion king” is fun.
- jeanette’s bear snuggle has leprosy.
- i’m quiet and boring.

—

march 20th, 2003 (happy as a penguin)

i’m listening to… “aenima” bai tool [rock], “forever with you” bai yangpa [korean].
i’m feeling… happy as a penguin. which is rather ambiguous, because i really don’t know how happy penguins are.

quote of the day — (jack handey:) “if you’re in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys, throw one of those little baby-type pumpkins. maybe it’ll make everyone think of how crazy war is, and while they’re thinking, you can throw a real grenade.” this guy is a genius. he’s so fucking hilarious.

4:21 pm — we’re at war. me, tin-win, sherry, jeanette, and karen [li] are or were supposed to go to england over this spring break but we are unsure as to whether or not to go now. but now… i’m saying… let’s go. it should be fine. if not, oh the fuck well. i don’t have class the first monday anyways ^__^

i’m so fucking tired… i haven’t been sleeping regularly the past couple of days because of my three-final-in-a-row thing and my tendency to do last minute cramming and stay up all night and shit. i have been rather unsatisfied with all of my finals so far. i think i did alright on the one today though… the art history one… perhaps that is only relatively speaking… i don’t know. i am mad… there are concepts and names of artists that i knew but… i don’t know… they all sound so similar it just slips my mind. *rawr. fucking italians.

but fuck yeah, motherfucker… the art history project i did for like 12 hours across the span of a few days got me a fucking 4.0… fuck yeah biznatch. cept, i don’t know if that’ll get me a good grade because i think i flunked the first midterm royal and i didn’t do any of the homework assignments and i barely went to section… :/ man, i sux.

gotta go to class next quarter, for reals.
i hope.

never going to see my hot art history guy again :’[ or maybe i will. who knows.

have so much shit to do in an hour and a half… have to go to the airport at 6… (and here i am, typing on xanga). gotta pack before that… clean up the room a little… and i want to take a fucking nap but i don’t think that’s gonna happen. ah, yes, gotta play a little cs because i’m not going to get to play all break. ha ha ha.

alright peace to yo momma. have a good, safe, lovely break everyone.

let’s hope we don’t all get bombed to death.

—

march 17th, 2003 (st. patty’s)

i’m listening to… the movie “rushmore”.
i’m feeling… alright.

quote of the day — (props to eva): “– as a result, french fries are now being known as freedom fries on capitol hill. the congressmen were so pleased with themselves that they started freedom kissing each other. … in response, france started referring to american cheese as idiot cheese.”

9:16 pm — “rushmore”… interesting movie. with this directconnect on campus, i’ve just been watching a whole shitload of movies and stuff… blech. :/ so anyways, watching this movie makes me want to become a teacher… i think it would be fun… ;X but i don’t know! blah! so many things to do, so little time. so little… well-used time. i watched “magnolia” til like 8 am last night. great movie. made me think a lot about life… i think i could write a freaking paper on that movie because there are so many insights in it and stuff… dang, yo. and freaking tom cruise was so hilarious in it. he kept saying, “respect the cock; tame the cunt.” lolol. hilarious.

scottish accents are neat. i don’t know why.
that’s what accent they have in “trainspotting”, jea?
i dig it. O__o
british accents are even more neat.
going to england will be dope ass i hope! ^__^
blahblahblah.

the boy in this movie “rushmore” pisses me off royal. heh.
anyways. not going to type anymore, so pz to yo momma.

—

march 15th, 2003 (ridiculous!)

i’m listening to… “i alone” bai live [rock], “hand grenade” bai the movielife [punk], “waking up beside you” bai stabbing westward [rock].
i’m feeling… alright.

2:30 am — so it’s been a while since a post. and an even longer while since writing anything meaningful. and an even longer while since going raving.

so we went ‘raving’. it was at noizelab… thirteen bucks… with bt as the headliner… and the only one worth seeing, for that matter.

AND I JUST FOUND THIS OUT FROM VICTOR (DJ WHISTLER) BUT GODAMMIT HE SPUN “FLAMING JUNE” TOWARDS THE END!! GODAMMIT! IT’S MY FAVORITE SONG EVER! IT’S ALL I WANTED TO HEAR!!! RAWRRRRRR MOTHERFUCKING SHIT!!! RAWRRRR I HAD A FEELING HE WOULD SPIN IT *CRY CRY CRY CRY CRY CRY… DAMMIT!

noizelab was no fun.
it’s like a fucking club.
which is… alright.
but it’s way too crowded.
and people are constantly moving around and running into you.
irritating.

and it’s so funny watching people mack on each other… it’s seriously the funniest thing ever… example [1]: when this guy was trying to get the attention of this girl diana who we went with… and well, he was just trying to dance so hard and dance with her and stuff and she did a little and sort of ignored him a little too. interesting. example [2]: was with asian girl and this white guy… this white guy had this bt record sleeve… that he probably wanted to get signed or something… and she wanted to see it or something so he showed her… and then he put it in front of her with her arm sort of around her and was like, “let’s look at it like this!” ha ha. and then the girl’s two friends… one guy and one girl were like… “let’s go up there!” and she was trying to be all sly and she was literally SHOO-ing them away… and they kept trying to get her to go but she kept shooing them away and rolling her eyes up (sort of pointing out the guy, i guess)… and then i gues