inside the wonderful world of vee

i’m listening to… nothing for once.
i’m feeling… fine. i should go to bed but i can predict that tonight will be yet another night of insomniatic non-sleep for me -__-;

3:25 am — so the highlight of my day today was watching two brad pitt movies. HAHA. i’m so sad. -__-; saw “snatch” because i didn’t quite get it the first time… and then “ocean’s eleven” again. i love the cinematography in “snatch”… makes me want to watch “lock stock and two smoking barrels”. i think that’s the title =X “ocean’s eleven” of course is great… ^__^ blahblah. went out to dinner with the pahmeelee to celebrate my dad’s birthday (free cake wOohOo! and he was all antsy about people singing to him at the restaurant… chi) and my leaving or something. we went to macaroni grill. yummay… sort of. italian food. ^__^ dude… that place is so cool mainly because they use paper tableclothes and they give you crayons so you can draw all over it =X i’m going to be a kid forever ~

going back to washington tomorrow. don’t really care for it… i’d actually prefer staying here and doing nothing. don’t want to go through the hassle of moving… don’t want to return to my boring pointless rave-o-matic washington existence, but hopefully this year will be better. peace outside ~

oh and you know what else i’ve decided? girls never know what they want. myself included. but girls never know what they want. period. -__- oh yeah something else i’ve decided. i do not enjoy when people kiss your ass and compliment you like mad if they are interested in you. i’d much rather they just be normal and talk to you like a normal human being instead of ass-kissing with every word they spurt out of their mouth.

i’m listening to… “when a man does wrong” bai ashanti [r&b], “love and ecstasy” bai baby vox [korean], aaron simpson’s “volume 4″ cd [trance + breaks].
i’m feeling… alright.

quote of the day — “a little encouragement goes a long way.” so cliche, but it’s so true…? -__-; definitely.

11:20 pm — so i went to berkeley today with xinlei to visit sherry, tin-win, phil [nho], and would have been jason [yu] but i ran out of time and he was free too late. hukalicious. my mom wanted me to fill out forms for washington residency so i had to come home pretty early. xinlei needed to come home early to pack anyways, since she is going back to irvine tomorrow. just a last mingle with the cali kids before i leave on friday, since i am planning on just straight vegetating tomorrow. =) and i think we are going out to dinner for my leaving and my daddy’s birthday tomorrow night too. it’s so horrible… usually i am really good at remembering people’s birthdays… but then i guess my dad never really knew what his birthday was a while ago so he just said that it was sometime in august… and i remembered that date but then apparently he found out when his REAL birthday was and it’s in september sometime and now i just seriously can never remember it. guess i’ve become older and stupider or something. that or i just don’t listen as much now. i think that’s it. anyways, we just ate a lot all day… actually, we didn’t really eat that much, but that’s all we seemed to have done. went to this mondo gelato place for ice cream… very exciting, it was! ^__^ well, time to go watch “a sassy girl (yupgi chuhgeen geunyuh)” that phil burned for me ~ ^__^ we’ll see how goot this is! =) peace outside la.

3:12 am — so i watched the movie. it was good… although i still do not quite understand phil’s obsession with jun jihyun, but other than that, it was pretty good. it was sad >__<;; i’ve discovered i become more sappy as time goes on hehe. -__-; anyways. so i don’t know… i’ve been listening to music and i finally sorted out just why i like drum’n'bass, rock, and trance so much. when i was little i used to have an ideal beat… it’s kinda weird to say unless i show a sample (which i currently cannot do)… but when i was little and i was thinking of how i would make a song, the drums (i guess you could say), or the beat or whatever… is exactly like the drum’n'bassness… huk… okay, that really makes little sense i think, but it makes sense to me. i was a weird little kid. definitely very odd. but then again that is redundant i guess because it’s not like i’m all that normal now, eh? oh wait wait i thought of an example for the beat… the intro part to “seperated” by offspring is exactly how it is… >__<; anyways, as for trance… i only really like trance that’s really melodic… and it’s just like… moving?? not so much as in… i want to get up and dance, yiggity yo yo, but more like it’s so emotional it’s emotionally moving…? god, i’m the queen of redundance. and as for my beloved rock music… most certainly it is the lyrics… and my strange liking for skinny white rocker boys. -__-;

some more thinking i did earlier… after watching “my sassy girl” or whatever. i’m sorry, i really don’t enjoy using the english title, because who on earth uses the ridiculous word SASSY! -__-;; i didn’t even know what it meant until earlier tonight, haha. either way… call this outrageous if you don’t agree, wonderful if you do agree, and pointless if you just don’t give a shit (that rhymes). in my thoughts, in my mind, in my world, i’ve discovered some sort of justification for humanity’s ideas of religion and what we call fate…? perhaps it is just my naturally cynical nature (or maybe it wasn’t even naturally cynical but merely shaped to be this way) but i think that human beings created these things so that they can make mistakes, not face the consequences, and blame it on something else. if i do something that i regret, or if i do something with an outcome that is not favorable to me and i believed in ‘god’, i would just say, “this is god’s will”, even if god’s will fucked up my life insanely… because lord knows that happens (pun intended). if i lack the motivation to gain something that i want and my actions come too late, i can always blame it on fate… that it was never meant to be and something better will come along. not necessarily true, but things like fate and god can’t be argued with because they are thought to be absolute. i pretty much just think they’re bullshit.

it’s weird, coming from being christian, to super christian at a point, to not caring, to being pretty much anti-christian. or anti-religion for that matter. my theory just makes sense to me in every way… (wo)man creates religion, fate, destiny so that they don’t have to face the consequences for their mistakes and also so that there can be some point to their lives. but who knows… maybe that’s where i’ve gone wrong. maybe my cynicism is what is keeping me from being truly happy… enlightened even perhaps. maybe that’s why things are so pointless for me. but we can only wait and see (that rhymes again… sorry… wOo! as does that). anyways, i don’t know where this thoughtful spurt came from… guess there’s nothing else much to do and writing calms me down so much you don’t even know. all the things i would love to say but that my unarticulate self cannot say i can write… and it’s great. =T

(xinlei’s response:)
hey my phone kind of died on me last night i dunno what i did but it had these funky ass lines running down and across the screen and i couldn’t get a hold of you because i dont have your number memorized. and now i just ran into a door, which is not so amusing but anyway. but if you are free tomorrowday can you call me at home or leave me your cell number again on aim or soomething? i left a message for you on my aim but my dad likes to turn off my computer when i am not if i’m not sitting in front of it, ergo the message might not have been received.

anyway i am leaving thursday morning so twould be super chow fun beans if we can kick it at the post office or whatever is of your liking. =)

*achoo* and the sneezing fit ensues.

i’m listening to… a-mei’s “fever” cd [mandarin].
i’m feeling… whatevers.

link of the day — phil nho’s church thing: http://webdisk.berkeley.edu/~justyi/fall%20conference%202002.mpg. heh. what an amusing boy. :T

11:17 pm — all i can say is… i want school to start. -__-; my parents came back from china today… got me a-mei’s new cd, elva’s new cd, and david tao’s new cd. so supposedly david’s cd was bad (so everyone says) but i actually LOVE it. on the other hand, elva’s was just alright and i don’t know what i think about a-mei’s yet. -__-; they have some really good imitations in china man. it looks 100% real… the booklet, the packaging, everything. the only thing that looks a little different is the cd and the fact that they put extra tracks from the artists’ other albums to make a full cd instead of keeping the same number of tracks there was originally. well, tis all. the eyeball is hurting.

mmm oh yeah and someone go watch better than ezra with me at the showbox on 10/13 for $20? or not. but yeah. >__<;

i’m listening to… dragnaslimdublin + the beatcave hermit’s cd “there is no easy definition” [hip-hop… some weird kind of it]. honestly, i don’t know what the hell i am really listening to. my brother bought it sometime ago O__o; it’s fucking weird… it’s like hip-hop / trip-hop / rock / jazz / who knows what the nut. and it’s not quite rap… it’s kind of like talking / rap. it’s freaking weird is all.
i’m feeling… just dandy.
i’m hella diggin… “underwater world” bai atb [breaks]. hmmm and some other stuff i discovered these past couple of days that i cannot think of at the moment. ^__^

september 17th — so. today the washington slash (/) oregon kids came down from oregon… the kids being seungbum, chol, josh, chris, and justin. so they came like really early in the morning… they were supposed to get here on monday but that didn’t work out because they are slow slow indecisive boys who do not plan things well. so after they came everyone just took naps some and then at night we played some video games, watched some simpsons, and yeah, that is about it. =P some kick-ass way to visit cali, eh? T__~

september 18th — in my attempt to entertain the picky uneasily amused children, i took them to san francisco. jeanette went too. we went to haight street which really amused me and jeanette. we would have liked to stay there longer but the boys were being big pains in the asses and were really not amused by it. -__-; they were driving me crazy this day seriously because i felt like it was impossible to entertain their asses. anyways, so we left early and went to japantown to eat chinese food… which was really not that good. well, the chinese food was good but we ordered jjajungmyun too and that was just freaking nast >__<; afterwards we decided to go to north shore (er… i think that’s the name of it)… honestly i was so high i don’t remember how we got there but josh drove my car heh. surprising how mr. druggie josh was remarkably sober this trip ^__^ jeebus… seung, chris, and justin smoke so much it is uncanny. i have never seen anyone smoke that much before! i don’t see how it is fun at all… i can smoke like once a day and then recharges are just no fun. -__-; craziness. O__o; anyways, we had a bonfire at the beach. it was fun! if it weren’t for “nature josh” as we call him now… rather, if it weren’t for nature ex-boyscout josh, we would have been stranded without knowing what to do with the firewood we bought from safeway. haha. freaking… when we went to safeway they had a 12 candy bars for four bucks thing and somehow we ended up buying freaking 24 candy bars man. we were planning on making smores but it didn’t turn out all that great, i don’t think. O__o; and then we were on a quest to find shrooms and e but yeah that didn’t work out too well in frisco. after the bondfire we went home. ^^

september 19th — so we left my house at like 1:00 pm-ish and then went to santa cruz… which didn’t turn out that great either but i don’t know. it took about two hours to get there and when we got there i took them to the mystery spot which really amused me but i am not sure if it amused those other kids all that much. but i don’t care! muhaha. i’ve always wanted to go there =X tis interesting. seriously, people lean sideways and stuff. it’s odd. i guess there’s like 17 of these places nationwide… in a place in marin (which is a couple of hours away from my house too), there is a place where there’s a hill and you can park your car there, put it on neutral, and the car rolls uphill. that is freaking dope. =) anyways, afterwards we went to the beach / santa cruz beach boardwalk but it was freaking closed! >__<; i didn’t know that the boardwalk (which is sort of like a mini amusement park) was closed on weekdays… hukalicious =( but yeah we walked around downtown a little bit… asked for more drugs… -__-; almost got shrooms but that didn’t happen. and then freaking they were complaining so much i made so many phone calls and finally got them some e… -__-; pink christmas trees or something. supposed to be good, i think? who knows. but yeah we drove all the way up to oakland which is the opposite direction of santa cruz and then got the e… blahblah. later that night some of the kids dropped and i drove them around… i guess they like driving around while rolling. and then we went to a secluded park and went on the swings some… and they just danced outside in the parking lot. it was cool cause that parking lot and park was on a hill so no one can see anyone who is there. and there was no one there. so it was cool. =) hmmm yeah i was so freaking tired and they just kept going… and they were freaking hallucinating like mad… probably cause of the e / crazy amounts of weed mixture they had. who knows…? UGH aiya and someone called karen [li] who i haven’t talked to in soooo long and was like, “we’re all sooooo fucked up” and she’s like perfect christian girl ackkkkk >__<;

september 20th — woke up and then sat around all day (it seems) until the nighttime when we went drinking at world beat in oakland. phil [hsieh], jeanette, and sherry were there too. man, it fe(els/elt) so weird mixing washington friends with cali friends… it’s really two different worlds? O__o; anyways, drinking was so expensive although i didn’t even pay… a bottle of soju is $10.50 >__<; we got a pitcher of pineapple soju hoooo shieet that shiet is sooooo motherfucking good. >__<; it didn’t taste like alcohol at ALL. freaking yum. got drunken, but it was really short-lived because i stopped drinking pretty early cause i didn’t want to drink too much. that and we ran out of pineapple soju and i didn’t want to take another shot of regular soju cause it is not all that yummy. it’s funny… we smoked more outside (first time being drunk and high and i must say it is quite nice!). oakland is so ghetto and funny man. we just smoke outside in the parking lot in a big ass group and no one cares. and the day before we went there too to meet up with phil [hsieh] to get the bombs and they smoked outside and a security guard came over and gave them what was leftover from his blunt man. you tell me that isn’t funny =X that is so funny. but yeah afterwards we went to play some pool, eat at denny’s, and then came back home. it was pretty late by then. chol was soooo freaking fucked up. he couldn’t even walk straight. heh.

september 21st — nothing really… the kids left today and they were actually nice and helped clean up my house and shit. i was actually surprised. they are so dirty hahaha. i mean i am really messy but they are dirty AND messy… leave shit all over the place >__<; but oh well. they left around 7 pm… were going to leave earlier but they thought there would be traffic; we all totally forgot that it was saturday and there isn’t really any traffic on saturday. they are probably still driving as i type this… and it is 3:48 am… haha. deng, that’s crazy. they left so much shit at my house dude. someone left a belt, this big ass weird round thing from seungbum’s car (which i don’t know HOW i am going to give back to him because i cannot bring it with me), hmm… chris left his phone charger… someone left a bottle of toothpaste… and honestly i wouldn’t be surprised if i found a whole shietload more of shit. =P parents will be back in a few hours… yay =) too bad i will sleep through church again heh.

so anyways… seungbum’s car has always been cool but man it is cool to drive too. it is just… COOL! so much freaking high-tech stuff man. =X jeep grand cherokee… i am buying myself one of those!

the next couple of months will be chock full of rock concerts for me. exciting… quite. especially since the three groups i am going to go see: hoobastank, garbage, and jimmy eat world… are all on my list-of-people-to-see (even though this will be my third time seeing my lovely lovely hoobastank). YAY. so i guess since i am spending so much money on freaking concerts it is only natural to cut down on the raving a tad… or a lot. i think i am just going to go to apex the day i come back to washington… and then to freak night during the beginning of november, and nothing in between. save myself some freaking money, hopefully. ^__^; but yeah man… i cleaned up my whole house… cleaned my room, washed and folded laundry, washed and put back the dishes, took out the trash… blahblah. huk. watched a whole shitload of tv too hoohoohoo. =) i lava tv… ^__^ i’m watching this old chinese soap opera right now… quite the entertaining, i must say =) woo… this whole next week i have to study my chinese because i probably totally forgot it all and i am taking 3rd year chinese this year so i got to work on that shit. =T

man, one of my friends is driving me insane… i’ve never been a person who can stand constant attention… i mean, of course i like attention man… who doesn’t. but too much just drives me insane and goooood he is driving me insane. freaking so touchy and talks so much aaaaah i can’t stand it. twould be okay but he seems to think i like this constant touchy attention when i don’t at all. -__- geh. i hate when i say something that i think or something and people are like, “whatever man… you don’t think that.” and then i just want to punch them. =__= anyways, my term of the boys’ trip that i’ve picked up is: “fuck you man” since it seemed to apply very much so to every situation during their being here. >__<; i’m going to go to bed i think… it’s like 4 am… that or i’ll just sit here and do nothing some more. whatever mannnn. (-__-)V guten nacht.
(xinlei’s response:)
so much for sobriety miss vee you and your drug hookups haha “made a few phonecalls and got me some e” muahahaha you are a funny girlie i need to see you before we both leave

i’m listening to… “slow jam” bai usher and monica [r&b], “emotion” bai destiny’s child [r&b], “i wanna be your man” bai kai [r&b].
i’m feeling… fine.

12:35 am — here i am, sitting around in tin-win’s nice, cozy, homely apartment with her and jeanette just talking about everything. it’s really nice to just sit around and talk someone. conversation really does mean something. it’s great to have people whom you can just speak to and just really get to know better… even if you know them well enough already ^__^ heh… we’re just talking about growing up, about relationships, about drugs, about college… about life, i guess. i guess when everyone grows up they start talking more about this kind of stuff because you miss the past and you miss how things were. but yeah. yet again i want a guy. hukalicious. tin-win is an interesting gal. she drinks, but doesn’t get drunk, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t do drugs, doesn’t want a boyfriend… and is perfectly content with that. that is freaking cool is all i have to say. i am envious. =(

tonight was a funny night. we took jeanette out to the cheesecake factory with sherry too… it was good but fucking expensive as hell… =P it was good, though, i guess. whatever man. jeanette saw this one little kid with big eyes who was telling his parents, “i’m as happy as a woodchuck!” and then later there was wind (we were sitting outside) when she was trying to think of a wish for her little cupcake with a candle on it… and the candle went out… and the boy was telling her to cup her hands around the candle so that it didn’t go out and she completely ignored him and just stared at him and said, “you are so happy!” and he got scared and just went back to his own table. and get this — jeanette completely didn’t remember even saying that. it was super funny. blah… sigh… everything is so good at the moment. =T soon i will be back to a world of priorities. huk. seungbum, josh, chol, and two of seung’s friends will be here soon. blah. see those kids in a little bit. =T

2:13 am — hmmm blog retaliation, so i say. what jeanette wrote in her xanga:

“spent the past million hours with some of my closest friends, sherry, vivian and tin-win. viv and i met in dublin, then we went to sher’s place, picked her up, and then picked up tin-win, then off on our way to get LOST a bajillion times in berkeley THAN sf… need i remind you we have been in these places FOR YEARS.frriggggin tin-win and sher LIVE in berkeley. and we’ve gone to SF A BAJILLION times..but hence vivian got us lost a friggin million times.by turning when not told to do so. etc. funny! oh well, vivian does not always drive. it’s fun when she does. haha i loveth them.. then we went to sf (and after driving past our destination.. haha we found parking.. haha cause we cant turn.. too many 1 way streets. sooooo funny!!) haha okay.well they took me to cheesecake factory in union square… how deliciously and fun and exciting, just hanging out w/them.. sat outside on the balcony… candle-light..they even made me toast and everything, they cALL me a cheeseball but ya.. blahblah then went to sher’s place. for a short bit..then to tin-win’s..and here i am… at tin-win’s still..viv and her and i are bonding ahahha. jp. i love them. i just told them.. i think one aspect of hapiness is..catchin yourself smiling..god.i love this feeling. im happy..” “currently vivian is telling me about “blog retalliation” she is so scary. tin-win juss giggled.SO CUTE just like old times! giggling ! we talked a lot about high school….junior high.. when we were little. haha. god. i miss those days……… we were such……MALL RATS! haha..oo sleeepovers (pretty much im typing what they’re saying).” “muahah or as vivian would say MUAhehehhhee (so strange). she also called me the devil woman because i made her sing my song. not alone! but with the piano. yet she still thinks im devil woman, i resent that. and we ate yummy mints. she wants kids, but only to adopt (tin-win just asked).”
sooo my turn! >__< jeanette gives too much information in her blog, but nevertheless. she is a weird chick man. she tells her close friends to pick arguments with her because she is bored. she likes bruises and cuts because they make her feel tough. lolol. what a funny girl. ^__^;by the way, the reason we got lost so many times is NOT ONLY because i turned when they didn’t tell me to but because the sun was in my eyes and i couldn’t see well, sf streets are fucking weird and crazy, the tall buildings and cables in the air make me claustrophobic, they told me directions after the fact, and um… yeah i just suck at driving. >__<; peace out. time to clean my room at 2:18 in the morning. wooha. although i am tired as fuck… but my room is too messy and i can’t have guests with such a messy room. sigh.

you know, it’s funny how when you grow up you learn to appreciate things that you never appreciated before. O__o;

i’m listening to… nothing, but i have “electric storm” bai u2 [rock] in my head… dude… u2 is cool! why have i just now discovered this?!
i’m feeling… sort of tired.

i’ll make this quick.

september 14th — went to frequency-8’s parti with phil [hsieh] and richard [lee]… it was alright… a lot more people than i thought… NICE venue even though it was only one room… not that big but hella clean… and i guess they hold parties there a lot now because i talked to some people… people in sf definitely are not as friendly as in washington (believe it or not) but they are SO into the music. it’s so awesome… seriously, i’ve never seen the room so into the music. at first not that many people were dancing but when mystre started spinning everyone in the room seriously cheered and jumped up and down and danced to every new song that went by… quite interesting. quite different. ^__^ tis all.

september 15th — woke up after four hours of sleep to go to church… thought i’d go for once since i haven’t been to church in like a year. luckily too… since i finally got to see jeremy! i’ve only seen him twice this whole break… once being today and the other time being two minutes (literally) during the beginning of the summer… >__<; hukalicious. so… yeah… went to fuddrucker’s for lunch after church. OH MY GOD i am never going there again. that is the most unhealthy, death food i have ever eaten or come across in my life jesus christ. i had a chicken burger… and their buns are all soaked in butter… freaking you touch it and your hand is all shiny… FROM THE BUN! and then the meat… it’s just so freaking gross and greasy… i didn’t even know they made burgers so greasy. and to top it off… they give out free CHEESE… so as if french fries aren’t bad enough… you end up using the cheese to dip french fries in and stuff man. i did notice also that all the people there were pretty hefty -__-; so yeah my brother paid for me but i barely even ate it… just too nasty… afterwards we all walked like hella freaking slow and were soooo lazy… haha. disgusting. like homer simpson or something -__-; and then i went back to church and went with richard, fontaine, and xinlei to uc davis to visit dahye… man! she has a nice ass apartment. pretty cheap too i believe. and her friend has an even nicer one for cheap too. ugh. -__-; they’re really really really nice. i’m just seeing so many nice apartments as of late. so yeah we went to old sacramento which looks like it’s straight out of those wild wild west movies… very nifty. at first i was like, man, what could be so interesting about this? but it was nifty.

me and xlarge were going to talk to a psychic lady… but then she told us the rates… and we walked around in a giant circle to think about it… then we finally decided and when we went back she was gone! so we were saying had she really been psychic, she would have known we would come back. CHI! some psychic. oh well. afterwards we went to the mall which was eh… then rented “run lola run” and “twilight zone” to watch at dahye’s (she cooked us dinner too). both were quite the entertaining. played some halo, played some f… something frenzy. fun fun. i’m surprised dahye ha(d/s) an x-box, actually. not hers, but still. hmmm watched some people get drunken… i REALLY wanted to see xinlei drunk but the rule was i had to take a shot if she took a shot… so i passed =( hukalicious. xinlei drunk. twould be something. >__<;

i’m listening to… me, phil [nho], phil [wu], phil [hsieh], dahye, and dave [lee]’s trip to nohrehbang last summer… HAHAHA jesus christ it’s so funny. songs as of now: me and dave singing “bulssuh yil nyun” bai brown eyes.
i’m feeling… quite quite amoozed.

11:44 pm — HAHAHA omigod this cd is so freaking funny. this nohrehbang that we go to sometimes burns your singing session on cd for you and gives it to you at the end… hahaha fucking great. hahaha. funny. i was playing counterstrike (which really i must say is not all that much fun on my uber uber uber uber laggy computer) while listening to this hehe… funny >__<;; anyways, first day of class was today. it was alright… not as great as i had hoped. no cute guys in my classes, the classes are not all that engaging, etc. etc. first one was intro to criminal justice and that was alright but the professor is kind of weird. second was chinese which i can tell is going to be hell. all the words are in simplified chinese which we haven’t learned the past two years; we’ve only learned traditional characters, so basically most people in the class can’t read shit. -__-; and then the teacher is odd. kind of seems like she can’t really speak chinese all that well. HAHA. and then we have an oral presentation every week. jesus christ. i cannot do those. -__-;; finally i have my communications class which i love already. the teacher is freaking hella funny and great. ^__^ ~ well… tis all. byebye ~ time to go study. =(

2:15 am — so now it is freaking late, and godamn me for thinking too much. i am a victim of insomnia. >__<; it’s no good… no good at all (obviously). man, i need to wake up early too because i have to study chinese. the teacher expects us to. -__-; sigh. i am going to quit my job at yunnie’s tomorrow if i have such confidence. i hope they will let me off ASAP… -__-; cause i really don’t want to work there any more. i am confident i can get a new job because after all i am pretty qualified… i’ve only had REAL jobs… like office jobs and what not. yunnie’s is the only run-of-the-mill (if i even use that right) job i have. applied just now for advertising designer job on the daily (again) because i really want that job and they keep posting ads for it at different times, shit. and then for this office job on the ave. can’t say i want that much, but you know, it will be better than yunnie’s, AND it is nine bucks an hour man ~ this whole job thing stresses me out so much you cannot even imagine. i HATE not knowing things for certain. i need things concrete. i hate having so many possibilities and not knowing which one is likely because anything goes. problems being: that i have all these concerts coming up and i’m afraid jobs will clash with such a thing, i can’t study with such long shifts, etc. etc. i’m down with jobs if it is short shifts everyday but freaking long shifts just kill me… because if i happen to have a lot of work that day i’m just basically fucked for the week because i stay up studying and then i sleep through classes the next day and the pattern repeats til it has time to correct itself. -__-; sigh. don’t know if i can sleep now.

you know what i decided? i guess deep down inside i am very old fashioned but i have this annoyance for guys who are as sensitive as girls are supposed to be. =X i don’t know why but it’s just annoying to me if guys are too desperate or sensitive and cry during chick flicks or something. jeejus. sigh*. first day of school and i’m already stressed as fuck. what is this madness. =( and jesus christ my messy ass room makes me sick because i can’t think cause it is so godamn messy… well mostly it is annoying because it is cluttered since i have so much little shit. and JESUS CHRIST i left all sorts of stuff at andrea’s apartment but i don’t have a car to pick it up and then i still don’t have my bank card and christ. oh yeah. i have no contact lens’ case so i am using eva’s solution and putting my contacts in shot glasses. how ghetto can you get man. for real. oh! and my first class is on the third floor… freaking… last year me and [kimchi-]john had class there too and everytime we got up there we were both all hella out of breath and shit -__-; sad day. haha. what’s more! i got locked out on my first day! =X like a freshman! huk ~ and then like six people who read my journal dropped off the face of the earth, i think. sad. =( sigh back to insomnianess… sigh.

oh yes. “sex and the city” is eva’s new obsession so i’ve been watching it too… strangely odd and interesting. =X can’t imagine being like those people eebus.

buhsuht hagosheepuh (^__^)V <~ inspiration for the new screename.

(xinlei’s response:)
i cant imagine vivian being ho-ey either. =) thanksgoodnesses.

i’m listening to… “holla front” bai jin [rap].
i’m feeling… whatevers.

2:29 pm — hmmm some songs by jin… i don’t know what i think about them… can’t say i like them that much but i DO like his voice. =) it does sort of sound like eminem, though. http://www.peterjun.com/downloads_jin.html. first song is the best i think. last one is kind of whack.

i’m listening to… “it’s been awhile” bai staind [rock], “little black backpack” bai stroke 9 [rock], “sundown” bai nostrum + frank kunne [trance], “justify my love” bai vita + ashanti [breaks], “schism” by tool [rock].
i’m feeling… weird and melancholy. if you don’t know what that means for some reason, go look at my best friend, who is here. -__-

1:04 am — so i was cleaning my room… and i am weird and i always go through the little nitpicky things and clean the bigrelstuff later. actually… i usually make the little pointless things that no one sees perfect and tidy but the whole thing is usually still a mess… basically, i’m anal, but messy. odd. anyways. man… i found all this old stuff and it makes me so damn sappy going through old things… it’s strange how i changed friends so much when i was growing up… i had like a new “best friend” every year… literally. and weird that when i was looking through all my stuff i found remnants of each of those best friends… gah… makes me so sad… i really wonder where a lot of those people are now but i don’t feel comfortable just calling them up or anything… ugh… it’s so sad… everything i found reminds me of someone and most of those people are just essentially gone from my existence. all these little things just remind me. memories are a wonderful thing, but it’s quite saddening also. god… blah… i don’t even know where to start… so i won’t, since most of the people who read my journal don’t know my old friends anyways. but it’s really sad to me… that as you grow up you lose so much and so much of it you can never get back. but life goes on, i guess. i’m just uber sappy right now.

and more from looking through old things… god… i am so freaking godamn spoiled it’s not even funny. you know, i always thought i was spoiled… yeah… like… all the kids who live around here are ’spoiled’ but it never occurred to me the extent of how spoiled i am… i was looking through all this stuff that my parents gave me when i was little… pierre cardin earrings, mini perfumes, expensive pens, blahblahblah… all of which i have never even really used… god… that also makes me so sad… my whole family… my aunts, uncles, grandparents, parents… have all been so good to me i sort of can’t imagine life without any of them. just thinking about it at the moment makes me so freaking teary-eyed because life is so godamn fleeting and so of these things can be taken away from you at any moment. right now i really want to go to new jersey and see my grandma because she is so freaking out of it… she has like alzheimer’s and hip problems and all sorts of problems and i just think that if i take too long to see her it would just be depressing? -__- i mean it’s already depressing because she is already so incoherent… blah… and my poor grandfather has to take care of her everyday by himself… i just could not imagine living like that. man… that’s so sad. life is so freaking godamn sad. i don’t know man… just thinking… reflecting on everything makes me sort of want to value life and make something of it even though i am miss life-is-hopeless. blah.

i guess i just feel like with everything that i am given by my family… my friends… i should just stop complaining so much and take it and make something of it i guess. so i will try. it’s ridiculous how good people have been to me, really. i am so spoiled and i take it all for granted, really. i guess this kind of is a slap upside the head… that maybe i should learn to appreciate people more… for real. blah. so basically, honestly, anyone and everyone that i make any effort to talk to at all is someone important to me… for some reasons i am really bad at showing emotion for things now but really, really. out of anyone that actually reads this shit, i probably care about you too. >__< and sorry for being such a difficult person… at least, i think i am. *slapping self upside the head. and also some people whom i don’t talk to that often are important to me as well… blah… i don’t even know where to start. i guess since i’ve never really lost anyone i take a lot of people for granted… and i guess i should learn from this and think about it more. i guess i will try to change… try to work harder, try to spend less money, try to help out the family more… blahblah. try to keep on track. maybe this will give my utterly pointless life some meaning. all day long i was wallowing in how i find my life completely and utterly pointless… i think that is one of the reasons i want school to start. so that i will have some meaning in my life. hopefully i’ll learn. >__<

peace outside… =( take care, be happy, etc. you only live once… i guess.

i’m listening to… “a life like this” bai edgewater orion [rock], “part of a fool” bai juwata [r&b], “break” bai edgewater orion [rock], “overlap” bai baby v.o.x. [korean].
i’m feeling… fine.

12:42 pm — OHMIGOD… someone please pity me… PITY ME AND GO TO THE NO DOUBT, GARBAGE, AND THE DISTILLERS (who?) CONCERT WITH ME! it’s on november 11th… $35 at key arena… SOMEONE GO WITH MEEEEE… -__-; i want to see garbaaaage… >__< i found one person… haha… woo!

speaking of concerts… me and sherry went to the goo goo dolls, third eye blind, and vanessa carlton concert last night. first off… VANESSA CARLTON SUCKS SO BAD. jesus christ. her voice is so whack. i mean… her voice is alright for really hard, screeamy rock songs, but since her music specializes in like… mellow piano pieces, jesus christ it sounds so bad. it was torture sitting there listening to her. -__-; seriously. and she is jeanette’s role model! jeebus… she needs to find a new role model… like alicia keyes or somebody. T__T;

and then it was third eye blind… they played like four songs that they are releasing on their new album and it actually seems pretty good =) they played a lot of old songs… and then we were in like the eightieth row (exaggeration) and the lead singer came up to the walkway between the two sections so it seemed like we were in like the fifth row ^__^ twas coolio. they’re good, though… i actually think they were better than the goo goo dolls. =T actually i think they got the crowd more worked up than the goo goo dolls too.

goo goo dolls were alright… i’m kind of mad that they didn’t play “acoustic #3″ but it’s alright… one of the guys looks like a freaking crazy pscyho ax murderer guy and when he smiles it’s actually sort of freaky. haha. but oh well. lead singer has an awesome awesome voice… aht… wonderfully wonderful. stupid… it was entirely seating without a standing area… so people stood up in their seats… and me and sherry got asked by the people behind us to sit down! CHI! what bastard guys. oh well.

afterwards me and sherry went to phil [nho]’s place because jason and phil [wu] were there and then we went to world beat to sort-of celebrate phil [hsieh]’s birthday. they were drinking and smoking there… heh. he was soooo fucked up… HAHA. hella high and hella drunk. heh. funny. passed out when we went to nohrehbang afterwards. which was utterly and uber pointless for the four of us, cause it was all korean songs and i was the only one who could sing them… but i barely sang anyways. so it was just pointless. but free, so it doesn’t matter. =) anyways… i go… ugh. dammit, i don’t know what i am going to do with these washington kids that are coming down… they aren’t really allowed to stay at my house… gay. man. gay.

i’m listening to… reid speed’s “resonance” cd [drum’n'bass].
i’m feeling… sugary.
i’m hella diggin… “resistance” bai razor + gwz [drum’n'bass]

9:46 am — dude… so… what is up with these people on findapix man… freaking i know girls who IM people they don’t really even talk to JUST to ask them to vote for them and then others that look at how their rating got lowered and vote 10’s on themselves… wtf… that’s such a waste of time… who the hell cares what people who don’t know you think about you… does it really matter? pictures aren’t always accurate either… so they’re just lying to themselves… that’s so… gay. anyway, i’m freaking broke as a motherfucker so please donate money to me. =) i can’t wait until my birthday comes around… perhaps then i can ask for all of the things that i don’t have money to buy now (-_-)V i’ll write more later. this is more like a note to myself before i forget? =P

8:32 pm — so me and sherry went to the san francisco moma (museum of fine arts) today because it was free admission for o9/11 ~ it was alright… some of it really cool and some of it was really retarded… but interesting either way… =__= on the way back we were staring at these old people and wondering a couple of things: 1) when you get older do you start checking out other OLD people? or do you still like younger people?; 2) if you know someone your whole life and you see them all the time, do you actually notice them get older? because if you see someone everyday you don’t notice changes but then again i haven’t experienced change as significant as that? if that makes sense.

anyways, this whole o9/11 ordeal really has little to no impact upon me… call me insensitive or whatever, but i can’t say i really care all that much. people die everyday… it’s really whatevers to me… and national pride is whatevers to me too… i guess i am just spoiled and don’t realize how lucky i may be? i am just a whatevers person. don’t know when this started happening, but i sure am like that now. blah. damn myself.

oh yeah and i stopped making jeanette’s sorority webpage because it’s not really worth my time… and they’re too picky for my tastes… i’m getting like two bucks an hour… not worth it… whatever. so much for being nice.

and i hate when people attribute everyone’s problems to them not having a boyfriend or a girlfriend. jesus christ. that may be on my list of problems… if that is even a problem, since having one is usually a problem too, but certainly not the root of my problems, my boredom, my lack of motivation, etc. -__- it’s all me. ummm… right… goo goo dolls, third eye blind, and vanessa carlton concert tomorrow… and yeah… hopefully it will be cool… and maybe i will stop by phil [hsieh]’s birthday drinking thing afterwards… probably. ehhh happy early birthday bbin. i go now for real. (-__-)V