inside the wonderful world of vee

december 31st, 2002 (damn the killers of pain)

i’m listening to… zhang zhengyue.
i’m feeling… =/

1:40 am — happy new year’s to everyone and all that ish.

resolution — do better in school.
resolution — try to keep the drug usage to a low (like how it is now).
resolution — learn to play the guitar.
resolution — learn to skateboard.
resolution — be more considerate of others.
resolution — be less self-centered (the two sort of go hand-in-hand).
resolution — declare myself as an art major.

just came back from a little gathering at a hotel fifteen minutes away… hella parties there… don’t think the managers cared at all. anyways, linette, jeremy, tin-win, phil [wu], brandon, nelson, jason, leann, juliam, adriel, richard, and francis (yay i remembered her name) were there (i swear i have the worst memory; i’ve met her like 20428382 times… -__-;). crap… =/ i’m horrible. anyways… me and tin-win were the only sober ones… i would have LOVED myself some drinkage tonight because they looked like they were having a blast but i am still on painkillers from wisdom teeth-pulling and i did some research when i came back (to either 1. make myself feel better or 2. give myself a guilt trip about not drinking) and apparently it really IS a bad combination. so i guess it’s good i didn’t end up doing anything =/ they were so funny aish… =/

i really wanted to drink because i never get the opportunity to drink in cali… this is my third time in three years, man!!! see… first time was senior year of high school’s summer! isn’t that crazy -__-; and it was at mehrad’s house… and i had to jet hella early because my parents were still hella strict then… and i had to drive… so i only drank a half a bottle of smirnoff ice and that was whatevers. second time was at my house but i stopped drinking after drinking a bottle of smirnoff ice because i freaking got hives and shit… and so everyone once again was drunk but me… and then tonight… -__-;; bad luck galore. sigh. =__= drinking would have been fun! oh well. hehe.

jeremy is a freaking warrior! he can take like thirteen shots and not even be all that drunk… damn… =/

oh yeah and the countdown was hella lame because we kept switching channels because adriel wanted to watch a local countdown but the ones on were from nyc… and the times were off… so one second we would have ten minutes left… and after changing the channel, we’d have three minutes, and after changing the channel again we’d have fifteen seconds. basically everyone missed the countdown and it was weird, pathetic, and lame! and then they had confetti things and brandon was being a neat freak and cleaning up everything… and saying how people were messy… and clearing the table and stuff… hahaha… so funny. =/ oh well… =__= so fun.

how i want a boy… jeez.

2:27 am — correction — oh what the fuck… my bad memory has failed me again… i’ve been drunk 2x other than that in cali… once this past summer at world beat and the other time two summers ago at phil nho’s apartment… right… i lack a brain X__x;

1. What facial feature do you find the most attractive on others?: eyes and hair… heh
2. Would you vote for a woman candidate for president?: if she was worthy ^__~ nearly any woman vs. george w. bush = yes.
3. Would you marry for money?: no.
4. Have you had braces?: yes.
5. Do you pluck your eyebrows?: no.
6. Do you ever cut or hurt yourself?: no i’m a wuss!
7. When was the last time you had a hickey?: never!
8. Could you live without a computer?: not after i’ve had it!
9. Do you use ICQ, AOL Buddy list etc…?: aim… aol buddy list? HAHAHA.
10. What is your fav. quote?: “life is a bitch and then you die”. once again, not my favorite, but what comes to mind.
11. If you could live in any past time period, which would it be?: 7th grade.
12. Do you drink enough water?: no. milk, yes.
13. Do you wear shoes in the house or take them off?: off.
14. What is your favorite fruit?: pears and grapes and stuff.
15. Do you eat wheat bread or white? white. wheat if i must =/
16. What is your favorite place to visit?: uhhhh taiwan…?
17. What is the last movie you saw?: lord of the rings - fellowship of the ring… that was an hour ago. ^__^
18. Do you kiss on the first date?: depends.
19. Are you photogenic?: i think so.
20. Do you dream in color or black and white?: color. whoa… black and white… that’s something new.
21. Are you wearing fingernail polish?: not at the moment.
22. Is it chipped or fresh?: blah.
23. Do you have any dimples?: no.
24. Do you remember being born?: i wish i were never born. <~ the previous person’s answer hahahaha… i dig it.
25. Why do you take surveys?: cause i am lame.
26. Do you drink alcohol?: not really.
27. Did you like or do you like high school?: it was alright.
28. What is the most beautiful language?: japanese, just about.
29. When you are asleep do you like being kissed awake?: well, i wouldn’t know.
30. Do you like sunrises or sunsets the most?: sunsets.
31. Do you want to live to be 100?: til 10 would have been dandy.
32. Do you think women should be expected to shave their body hair?: yeah. haha.
33. Do you like salty food or sugary food the most? salty. and sugary. ^__^
34. Is a flat stomach important to you?: uh i don’t know… well not something i really care about, i guess.
35. Are you loyal?: sure.
36. Are you tolerant of other people’s beliefs?: i’d think and hope so.
37. When you watch movies at home, do you like the lights on or off?: either.
38. Do you believe in magic?: yeah.
39. Do you have nightmares frequently?: no… maybe like two total.
40. Do you like your nose?: no.
41. Do you like abstract art?: yes.
42. Do you think you can draw well?: mediocre.
43. Do you listen to music daily?: music is my life. <~ previous answer which i will also accept.
44. Do you like to watch cartoons?: yes… cartoons are my favorite thing to watch ^__~ well, and movies.
45. At what age did you find out that Santa Claus wasn’t real?: really early on… when we saw our parents sneaking presents into our room… yes yesso.
46. How many pairs of shoes do have in your closet?: i don’t put shoes in my closet. <~ unchanged again.
47. Do you like to wear the same shoes everyday or do you like a variety?: depends.
48. Do you write poetry?: yes.
49. Do you snore?: i think not.
50. Do you sleep more on your back, front, or sides?: i like sleeping on front while taking naps but i HAVE to sleep on my back at night unless i am really tired (i am a freak).
51. Would you rather have a poodle or a rottweiler?: poodle. =/ scary dogs scare me.
52. Do you lick stamps?: no need to anymore man.
53. Do you use an electric can opener?: no.
54. Have you ridden in a hot air balloon?: no.
55. Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain?: both.
56. Do you think balding men should shave their heads?: no, but i would if i were one.
57. Do you know anyone who is clinically depressed?: myself? close enough.
58. Do you prefer a piano or a violin?: violin but both are okay.
59. Are you a sex addict?: no.
60. Do you know someone who has cancer?: yes.
61. Where’s 62?: up your butt.
62. Do you hunt?: oh yeah it’s my favorite pasttime. =/
63. Do you like fast food joints, or expensive restaurants?: i don’t like expensive restaurants where you have to look nice. heh.
64. Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum?: both. :]
65. Do you have a middle name? no.
66. Are you basically a happy person?: no.
67. Are you tired?: usually.
68. Did you drink anything with caffeine in it today?: not to my knowledge.
70. How many phones do you have in your house?: ten. HAHAHA. four cells, six real. how cool are we?!
71. How long is your hair?: i just cut it so it is around up to my shoulders.
72. Do you get along with your parents?: sure.
73. What color of eyes o you prefer?: don’t have a preference.
74. Does Jamie like cake?: sure.
75. What medications do you take?: right now… vicodin and some other thing i don’t know the name of.
76. What does your bedroom look like?: messy.
77. What are your wishes?: to die. <~ unchanged.
78. But if you could only have one wish to come true, which wish would you wish for?: to die a peaceful way. <~ unchanged… wow… morbid kid! hahaha…
79. Whats your purpose in life?: i don’t know anymore.
80. IF you could help anyone in the world.. even give up something so precious to you.. who would you help and why?: don’t know.
81. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?: yeah ^__~
82. Do you have a dream that keeps coming back?: never.
83. Do you play an instrument?: used to play piano. learning to play guitar (sort of).
84. Do you believe there is life on other planets?: i don’t know. i think so.
85. Do you read the newspaper?: when i get it, i read the comics and sometimes the main page. sometimes entertainment.
86. Do you have any gay or lesbian friends?: just one, and some unknowns… heh heh.
87. Do you believe in miracles?: i don’t know.
89. Do you consider yourself tolerant of cops?: yes.
90. Do you like the taste of alcohol?: not the slightest.
91. Do you believe in astrology?: no.
92. Do you believe in magic?: you asked this already wtf. <~ unchanged.
93. Do you pray?: only when my parents are around and i have to act like i still pray.
94. Do you go to church?: once in a while… like four times a year?
95. Do you have any secrets?: of course.
96. Do you have any pets?: nope. i had goldfish once.
97. Do you go to or plan to go to college?: yes, i am in college.
98. What major?: graphic design, ideally. if not so ideally, sociology or criminology hmm… =/
99. Do you talk to strangers who instant message you?: yes but i’m not very pleasant.
100. Do you wear hats?: not that often anymore.
101. Do you have any piercings?: nope… used to have ears and eyebrow pierced… ;[ how i miss them all.
102. Do you hate yourself?: yes. well, i don’t know, maybe not hate… just not too fond of.
103. Do you wish on stars?: what’s the point when it never comes true? <~ unchanged.
104. Do you believe in ghosts? i don’t know.
105. Do you like sarcasm: i love it. =/
106. Do you take walks in the rain: yes, but more because i hate using umbrellas than any other reason.
107. sing in the shower: yeah, but not really anymore… sigh. damn dorm life bullshit!

[CURRENTLY]
[ eating ] : see’s peanut brittle.
[ mood ] : don’t know.
[ thinking ] : of what i shalt do later
[ singing ] : nothing because i am eating.
[ listening ]: “elle est a toi” bai assia (it’s french).
[ doing ] : typing.
[ looking at ] : my computer screen, dumbass. =/
[ life or no life? ] : no.
[ best friend ] : i have some.
[ wanting ] : things.
[ finding ] : nothing.
[ wasting ] : my time.
[ loving ] : people and things.
[ missing ] : people and things.
[ talking to ] : tin-win.
[ fighting with ] : myself.
[ smelling ] : not a thang thang.
[ about to ] : take another bite of peanut brittle.

[IN YOUR PARTNER]
[ shy or outgoing ] : outgoing.
[ what do you want from a partner? ] : well…
[ feature you notice first ] : eyes… and hair. and clothes.
[ looks/personality ] : personality.
[ piercings ] : i enjoy piercings on the eyebrow, ears, lips, labials (labias? whatever… the part under the bottom lip). but that’s it.
[ tan or fair ] : doesn’t matter.
[ punk or prep ] : neither. skater!
[ age difference limit ] : don’t know.
[ smart/dumb ] : smart.
[ funny/serious ]: both.

[MORE ABOUT ME]
[ chocolate milk, or hot chocolate ] : hot chocolate.
[ mcdonalds or burger king ] : mcdonald’s.
[ coke or pepsi ] : coke.
[ would you wanna marry your best friend, or the perfect man/woman/lover ] : perfect person… geez… what a dumb question. too bad it doesn’t exist…!
[ tea/coffee/cappuccino ] : all of the above. ^__~
[ cats or dogs ] : dogs.
[ milk, dark, or white chocolate? ] : dark first, then milk, white last.
[ sunny or rainy ] : sunny BUT rainy… *sigh.
[ winter, summer, fall, or spring ] : winter and fall.
[ vanilla or chocolate ] : chocolate.
[ biking or blading ] : blading, but biking is cool too.
[ cereal or toast ] : toast, but cereal is good too.
[ do ya like rock, punk, rap, r and b, alternative, techno, pop..etc ] : everything, but rock (metal, alternative, punk, ska, etc) and elektronika (drum’n'bass, trance, breakbeats, ambient, and trip-hop) are the best by FAR.
[ bunk or water bed ] : never tried water bed. i enjoy bunks, though.

[RELATIONS]
[ Best friends ] : they know who they are! :]
[ Friends that you look like ] : hana choi… so people said.
[ Who you go to for advice the most ] : i don’t know.
[ should talk to more ] : eh?
[ skinniest ] : seungbum kim.
[ loudest ] : phil wu. heh.
[ craziest ] : dunno.
[ funniest ] : phil nho.
[ nicest ] : josh hwang.
[ shortest ] : myself -__-;
[ tallest ] : *doesn’t know.
[ changed your life the most ] : *doesn’t know.

[FAVES]
[ color ] : dark red, grey, white, black, dark green. in that order.
[ ocean or pool ] : pool, i think…
[ laugh or cry ] : laugh.
[ silver or gold ] : silver.
[ diamonds or pearls ] : diamonds, but neither really.
[ sunset or sunrise ] : sunset, and you already asked.
[ showers or baths ] : showers. but i like baths. =/
[ snack ]: bananas.
[ board game ] : scrabble. tribond. outburst. taboo. etc. i <3 board games.
[ all-time song ] : one more day by new edition.
[ current song ] : come what may by ewan mcgregor and nicole kidman.
[ rap song ] : fuck that shit! well, probably a 2pac or eminem song.
[ holiday ] : *shrug.
[ movie star ] : brad pitt. orlando bloom.
[ magazine ] : *shrug… there are soooo many kool magazines.
[ tv show ] : malcolm in the middle… then simpsons… then friends… then blah.
[ Disney character ] : hmm strange… never thought about it. iono.
[ animal ] : turtles and monkeys.
[ cologne ] : hugo boss.
[ brand of sneaker ] : volatile.
[ activity ] : singing, listening to music, snowboarding, eating, drawing, etc.

[DO YOU..?]
[ do you like school ] : somewhat.
[ do you like to talk on the phone ] : no.
[ do you have your own phone line ] : somewhat.
[ do you like to dance ] : not really.

[LAST TIME YOU]
[ went runnin ] : eight billion years ago.
[ worked out ] : don’t know.
[ danced like a frickin idiot ] : half a month.
[ went to a movie ] : half a week.
[ talked on the phone ] : half an hour.
[ wished u were sumbody else ] : a while.

[RANDOM]
[ where would you love to travel to? ] : everywhere.
[ whats ur middle name? ] : nonexistant.
[ is ur hair color natural? ] : sort of.
[ do u have a cell phone? ] : yes.
[ whats ur online screen name ] : veeeeeveeeee. veektory. sOopahvi.
[ what do u want to do with your life? ]: succeed. <~ unchanged.
[ last time u went bowling ] : two days.
[ are u any good at bowling ] : no.
[ last time u went to the doctor ] : a week.
[ do u have a credit card ] : yes.
[ do u consider urself a “nice” person ] : i try… but i don’t know how well i succeed… not very well, i don’t think.
[ last book ] : “a wild sheep chase” by haruki murakami.
[ are u stressed out? ] : i don’t know.
[ do u believe in angels? ] : i don’t know.
[ what are u driving now? ] : a dark green honda accord.
[ u help pay for it? ] : no.
[ do u think ur spoiled? ] : yes.
[ do u like mustard? ] : no.
[ have u seen the exorcist? ] : no… we started it but never finished it.
[ how bout dumb &dumber? ] : yes.
[ ever been skydiving? ] : no.
[ number of piercings ] : zero.

[LAST THING YOU]
[ bought ] : “wither, blister, burn, peel” album by stabbing westward (off of e-bay).
[ did ] : ate a peanut brittle? (yuk).
[ ate &drank] : rice, corn, chicken, milk.
[ watched on tv ] : um… lord of the rings.

[EITHER/OR]
[ club or houseparty ] : houseparty… although i am not much one for those either.
[ tea or coffee ] : either or.
[ high achiever or easy-going ] : slacker with dreams of being a high achiever. go figure.
[ beer or cider ] : neither, but if i had to choose, cider.
[ drinks or shots ] : sit and watch the drunks do stupid things. <~ unchanged.
[ food or candy ] : food.
[ hug or kiss ] : hug.

[WHO DO YOU WANT TO]
[ kill ] : myself :O
[ slap ] : lots of people. <~ unchanged.
[ hear from ] : god. <~ unchanged.
[ tickle ] : no one.
[ look like ] : no one.
[ be like ] : no one.
[ avoid ] : lots of people.

—

december 30th, 2002 (waiting for something to justify me)

i’m listening to… “the end” bai edgewater orion [rock], “with arms wide open” bai creed [rock], “let’s make love” bai tim mcgraw and faith hill [country].
i’m feeling… as though hell is my residence.

8:23 pm — my left eye won’t stop tearing. that can’t be a good sign. =/

“i’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?” — beck

i’ll tell you what you want to hear, but no more than that. and you say what i wanted to hear… and now i understand, i got it: i made a mistake… but it’s a little too late.

my big bro andrew asked if the poems i write that are psycho and depressing are my mindset all the time or just some of the time. i’d say most of the time.

so i’m reading this guy’s xanga… http://www.xanga.com/home.asp?user=yell0wr0me0… if you read his last entry… it’s weird… it’s almost as if he was prepared to die (he died a couple days after the entry, i guess). freaky… =/ everyone seems to care so much after they’re gone, huh. wonder why that is… wonder if people would have that kind of sincerity for a person they didn’t know who was actually still alive.

but enough for my cynicism because this guy’s last entry makes me feel miserable. i wish i could find it to enjoy life to that extent… and i wonder why some people don’t. and some people do… god… i just want to know about everyone’s past and find out why people are the way they are… if they grew from experiences or fell because of experience… if they learned or were broken. some people crumble at the sight of confrontation and others face it bravely… and is it because of the way they were raised, the way they grew up, the people they admired… just what was it? it’s so not fair that people have flaws that are almost impossible to conquer no matter how hard they try… or that some people have been faced with some number of difficult situations when others see barely anything disappointing. it’s not fair in any way… -__- i wonder if people’s personalities are just how they were born or if they were molded by experiences and thoughts a certain number of ways. i don’t know if this makes any sense, but who cares.

another thing that has me thinking… the idea of christianity… of religions. it’s basically something i can’t really bring myself to believe in but… it feels so damn good to have something to fall back on and to keep you grounded. for the time that i was blindly following god i was content… not because everything in my life was going perfectly, but because i handled them, i accepted them, and i was content with them for some reason. but now that i don’t, it seems wrong to even try believing when not an inch of my brain is willing to accept the facts that are presented… -__-; i wish i COULD believe it because i honestly think the people who believe have a better quality of life not because they face less, but because they are content with more. too bad accepting it is easier said than done.

i told myself that over break i would do so many things but i’ve barely done anything. and my memory is waning… i’m going to have alzheimer’s… i guarantee. so just kill me now.

i got the ugliest haircut today too =/

god i am so frustrated with things that keep being brought up about the past… i just want to scream and throw a tantrum and not have to deal with things but that doesn’t really work now. i almost want school to start so i can keep my mind on something. actually, i do.

—

december 27th, 2002 (chip n dale)

i’m listening to… “you wouldn’t believe” bai 311 [ska-metal-alternative-rock], “change” bai the deftones [metal-rock].
i’m feeling… tired.

1:35 am — okay… so i just took some more vikodin and other painkiller thing that was prescribed to me and i’m just soooo tired now… i swear it’s cause i’m like malnourished these days -__-; lack of food other than soups and tofu and sugary stuff like ice cream and boba =__= yuk… =/ i feel like a big sugarplum. >__<

anyways. earlier tonight i went to milpitas and sunnyvale (basically south bay) with claire and fontaine… went to edgie’s at first to play some pool but i was sooo out of it from the painkillers that i could barely focus… -__-; but i did pretty well after the first couple of shots or whatever… made in my own balls a couple times though! dumb! then we went to nex… a pc bang… but for some reason the doors were mysteriously locked, so we went to this other pc bang, bbc… i like it a lot better than nex… same price ($2 an hour) but with more computers, better computers (in my opinion), and more lively people… heh. and people hit on claire… hahahahaha. funny. funny stuff. uhhh right. okay. and then we went to golfland for like an hour and played all sorts of music-instrument-type games that i suck at… i am so uncoordinated. and then we went to get boba. and now i am home. and i am tired. so bye.

ps — my cheeks are the size of my head. ;[ i look like a chipmunk. =__=

maybe i will make new year’s resses this year… sounds like a good idea. good idea? good idea. good idea! good idea?

oh yeah i got so lucky on the way back from milpitas… freaking… i was driving 80 on highway (65 mph) and then the guy who was in front of me was driving like the same speed and the highway patrol just drove past me on the right and pulled over the guy who was RIGHT IN FRONT of me!!!!! lucky!!!! no problem with cops yet here *knocking on wood. in fact, this is like the second time that’s happened to me… O__x and usually whenever i see cops it just so happens that i don’t feel like speeding at the time… tight.

(diana’s response:)
happy belated birthday, merry belated xmas, happy early new year! ^^; (i have a card but i need your address. i’ve lost it and it despairs me. =X)

i’m hoping to catch you on aim sometime soon.. i need to ask you about something. it’s not that important but it was vaguely unnerving and… just plain WEIRD. *cue twilight zone music* at least to me. =P disclaimer.

—

december 26th, 2002 (b-day greetings to the best roommate!)

i’m listening to… “under the bridge” bai red hot chili peppers [rock], “love is” bai ryuichi kawamura [japanese rock ballad], “hasta la vista” bai mc solaar [french rap (that or he’s just speaking spanish with a french accent heh)].
i’m feeling… =/

quote of the day — “life is like film… you use the negatives to develop.” =/ spanx to jahney (jeanette).

link of the day — to my psycho test: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv.

7:41 pm — i am fairly disappointed with my bad grades this past quarter. 3.1 in criminal justice and 2.2 in communications. my cumulative gpa changed by 0.01. … -__-;

anyways. i don’t know why… but even if i am not that much into raving anymore, it makes me happy when i see candy on other people! it’s nice to know when other people still go… i’m weird. =__=; for example a band member from “simple plan” had a bunch of candy on and it made me strangely happy. i have problems!

anyways, got my wisdom teeth pulled this morning… at like 9 am. not bothersome to me in the slightest. in fact, i found it to be very much fun. as soon as they woke me up, i was just thinking, “it’s fun.” i told them that too but i think they thought i said, “it’s funny.” i’m weird… O__x the drug they use they give to you through an iv… and you are just sitting there and you just get knocked the fuck out. they give you gas through a mask thing too… fauking weird! and when they wake you up, they just tell you to wake up and you wake up. i woke up a couple times during the surgery and they kept telling me to go back to sleep heh. my face is not that swelled… and i could walk afterwards… it’s totally fine. haha. fun fun fun. =__=

retook the test i take on like a half yearly basis just to see how i have changed every time. feels like i answered yes to a lot of things this time. i save my results from every year… i have more problems every year… =/ this year:
- low: borderline
- moderate: paranoid, schizoid, schizotypal, antisocial, histrionic, avoidant, dependent
- high: narcissistic, obsessive-compulsive

half a year ago:
- low: schizoid, borderline, avoidant, dependent
- moderate: paranoid, schizotypal, antisocial, narcissistic, obsessive-compulsive
- high: histrionic

a year ago:
- low: paranoid, antisocial, borderline, histrionic, dependent
- moderate: avoidant, narcissistic
- high: schizoid, schizotypal, obsessive-compulsive
well, at least no very highs =/

i’m pretty sure i agree with both… additional disorder information here.

1:16 am — go read my newest poem on my poetry page: http://board3.cgiworld.net/index.cgi?id=veektory1… i actually like it a lot… lord knows why. or does he? anyways. i’m not sure if vikodin really has effect on me, but i am feeling rather odd right now. may be mental, may be not.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO EVA. :]

—

december 25th, 2002 (d-caprio day)

i’m listening to… the sound of my computer working too hard.
i’m feeling… tired and fat.

12:19 am — jeebus… i am so freaking fat right now. i ate WAY too much this afternoon, morning, night. so… for christmas dinner, lunch, brunch, whatever, our family went up to sacramento and spent the day eating all sorts of yummy food with phil [wu]’s whole family. i admit at first it felt so weird being there but after being stuffed with yummy food, treated to a free movie, and given $100, i don’t care if it was weird being there! =P my dad and phil’s dad couldn’t eat because they are getting physicals tomorrow HAHAHAHA ^__~ so there was basically all this yummy food and they just had to sit around staring as people ate it right in front of them -__-; sad day. I FEEL SO FAT.

so guess what my mommy gave me for christmas? a wal-mart gift certificate! teehee.

today was leonardo dicaprio field day because i watched “gangs of new york” with him in it in the afternoon. that was alright. memorable, but… i don’t think i liked it too much. not to say it was bad… but i left the movie theatre feeling absolutely nothing. after the end credits everyone just kind of stared at the screen for a long while not sure what to do.

at night i watched “catch me if you can”, the OTHER dicaprio movie that just came out today. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE[D] IT. i thought it was sooo hilarious… and the directing just made things sooo funny. tom hanks is great in it… it’s really a great movie… *adding to favorites list >__< so now my list of favorite movies: “fight club”, “shawshank redemption”, “minority report”, “amelie”, “lord of the rings” and “catch me if you can”… amongst other weird things. ^__~ movies are terrifico. i absolutely love how in “catch me if you can” when the fbi was raiding houses and hotels and stuff how the camera was focused on their gun as they were walking HAHA… SO FUNNY. ^__^; and the animation for the intro credits was purely and absolutely geniuuuuus. >__< I LOVE IT. I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT. and leo is cute too. =P that movie seriously made me so happy… i walked out of the movie theatre just cheesing and everytime i picture scenes from it in my mind it makes me smile. haha. ^__^;

going to get wisdom teeth pulled out tomorrow so i have to wake up early… hence i am going to go pass out. peace outside.

—

december 23rd, 2002 (save me jeeeeebusssss please!)

i’m listening to… “rollin” bai limp bizkit [rap-rock], “she’s got issues” bai the offspring [punk rock], “les temps changent” bai mc solaar [french rap], “i will be waiting” bai d-cru [r&b], “butterfly” bai crazy town [stupid music].
i’m feeling… =/

5:34 pm — i’ve concluded that once you have established a name for yourself in any artistic medium, be it music, photography, painting, or what not, you can come out with the occasional or somewhat frequent piece of shit and people will still appreciate it because it came from someone so established. bullshit.

past few days i’ve just been kickin it with the cali people… phil [nho] is seriously the funniest guy ever… and it’s not even crude humor or inside-joke humor… he is just SO funny. >__< the funniest guy i know or have ever met in my life, seriously.

after coming back to cali this break, i have come to the conclusion that i like my life here 100,000x better than my life in washington. for reasons that are obvious… like i can eat whatever i want here, it’s convenient to do whatever i want, i have my car, etc… and for reasons that are not so obvious… last year i had fun in washington… because things were new. raving was new. school was new. people were new. but now… i freaking hate it. i hate my life there… especially in comparison to my life here. my friends here are so funny… and shit… i actually have friends that are girls…! my life there is just uber lame… the reason i don’t go out that much there is because i don’t find it that enjoyable. my friends here tease me, yeah, but we find other things to talk about… we talk about everything… there it’s like… we talk about things but it all just seems so surface, so pointless, so boring, so lame… and i get picked on way too much… i can’t stand it. i just wish i never left. i feel like i need to meet some new people in washington… people who i can actually feel more comfortable around… and talk to properly. right now if i say certain things i just feel like an idiot… transferring actually sounds enjoyable right about now. too late for this year… hopefully next year. =/ but yeah… upon people’s asking me if i’m happy in washington right now… i must say i am not. really not. i feel out of place and alone… and i feel more and more depressed there with each passing day, i swear. it may be the weather, but i think it is much more than that. i just don’t find it enjoyable there… ugh… fucking shit. :[ too bad my grades are too bad to transfer… it is just an endless horrible existence… maybe i will be able to leave next year… go to irvine or something. i would like to. i would love to.

i’m losing myself in washington… everything i had once enjoyed doing… like learning languages, music, making webpages… just seem to be so useless and i just don’t feel like doing ANYTHING. and i need to find some people who i can relate to better… people there are so fucking different in washington… UGH… social backgrounds are so different… people there seem so uninterested in things and are so fucking boring. i can’t think of a person i know here who has no interests… but people there seem to rarely have interests. i know people here who like snowboarding, who like art, who like THINGS… not as many people there like that kind of shit… UGH. i think i just need to meet more people there who i can actually fucking learn from. and it seems like people i know there are so godamn dependent on drugs… drugs are supposed to ENHANCE the fun, not fucking MAKE the fun… god, i hate things there… *rawr. save me, jeebus.

—

december 20th, 2002 (the long hard road out of hell)

i’m listening to… “kryptonite” bai 3 doors down [rock], “anyway” bai edgewater orion [rock], “les temps changent” bai mc solaar [french rap], “brick” bai ben folds five [rock], “i will survive” bai cake [rock].

4:31 pm — i don’t really feel like going into details about our trip yesterday because there are so many annoying details but i will attempt to anyways. i’m a little sore too… ow. =__=;

so phil [wu] called me at 3:00 in the morning and woke me up… i was supposed to wake up at 2:00 but i didn’t =__=; but then i got ready really fast and jason [yi] and phil picked me up and we went to castro valley to pick up jason’s friend leann. drove to nelson’s where we were supposed to meet up with him, jeremy, and linette… only nelson didn’t wake up so they made me call his house (since his parents don’t know me) and wake him up… and linette didn’t wake up either, since nelson was supposed to wake her up as well. -__-;; but yeah so we left like an hour later than anticipated but that was alright…

along the way we stopped at the mcdonald’s everyone always stops at on the way up to tahoe… and then we drove up… jason drove his subaru impreza and nelson drove his uhhh… i forgot ^__^; (their family has freaking nine cars…!!!) but anyways, it was a big car. so… we went up to tahoe, but along the way it was snowy so we drove really really slow on this one part… i was in jason’s car with him, leann, and phil… and all of a sudden the car spun in two circles and slammed into a wall of snow on the side of the road (luckily it was snow). apparently some fagwad’s metal snowchain thing broke and there was a piece of it on the ground… it punctured jason’s tire, causing it to burst… spin, etc. we were on the side of the road and i was so scared that someone else was going to do the same thing and crash into us… because a civic spun out like ten feet away from us >__< scary. someone yelled at us, saying that it was a bad place to park our car, and so we moved it up some where this other car was… and jason’s friend broke his jack so luckily there was this hispanic guy there who had one for us to use… and we put on the spare and had to drive insanely freaking slow… me and phil crammed into nelson’s car with me and jeremy in the front seat and phil and linette sharing a back seat. leann stayed in jason’s car and it took us FOREVER to get to a gas station, hoping that they would sell tires, but they didn’t -__-; so we went like 12 or so miles to boreal… driving soooo fucking slow… it was so uncomfortable and boring… -__-; jason lost control in his car another time along the way but it wasn’t nearly as bad as the first time. when we got to boreal, nelson’s car didn’t have eough room for all of us, so jason’s car got parked there, and me, phil, jeremy, and linette got dropped off to go snowboarding =/ very messed up the way things worked out -__-;; so… leann, jason, and nelson drove with the only normal car to truckee (like another fifteen miles away) to get jason a new tire and stuff. except problem was that on the way back, this big-rig jack-knifed and so there were stuck there too! apparently a lot of people got stuck there… =/ and everyone was just walking around waiting for it to get cleared up. craziness. meanwhile, me, linette, phil, and jeremy were eating disgustingly expensive boreal resort food and snowboarding on -mostly- the bunny hill (twice on the non-bunny >__<). it doesn’t really matter because it was only ten bucks (college student’s discount) but yeah… it was snowing really hard (i got mad windburn) and there were only two lifts open. it was sooooooooo cold. =/ i can board a lot better when there is powder, though, because without the fear of falling, it’s alright. everyone got tired really fast… =/ it was alright… if not just for the horrible snow… when coming down the slope you seriously can’t see anything… >__<; faukin suck. it was kind of a damper on everyone’s moods too because half the people weren’t there and everyone felt bad that the two drivers were the ones who didn’t get to go snowboarding…

so then hours upon hours later (at least four hours), nelson, jason, and leann returned with the tire and they tried changing it in the parking lot. it was snowing so hard… and they had to borrow someone’s jack again. and then this big snowplow freaked out everyone cause it looked like it was going to crash into jason’s car -__-;; on the way out of the parking lot, there was so much snow that jason’s car got stuck and it took a while for us to get out >__<; and on the way down the mountain jason almost crashed into the car in front of us because his brakes didn’t really work again… and he had to pull the emergency break and it was alright. he has really bad luck with cars -__-;;; and yeah… afterwards he took leann home and then we went to nelson’s to get my snowboard and cause jason had to ‘help him with something’ that i still do not quite understand haha. then he drove me home… and that was the end of a horrible birthday experience (although it wasn’t even that bad for me). it was probably the longest day i’ve had in a looooong time, though.

—

decembre 19th, 2002 9ambiguity)

i’m listening to… “smooth” bai rob thomas + santana [rock], “come what may” bai ewan mcgregor + nicole kidman [musical], “what i got” bai sublime (acoustic) [rock], “killing me softly” bai the fugees [r&b], “bubbly toes” bai jack johnson [folk rock].
i’m feeling… =/

10:28 pm — i am rather pissed because i just typed this hugely long entry and somehow it got erased. rather pissed i am. but i will try to convey what i was saying again (although i don’t think i will be able to). funny how words never come out the same again.

there are factors that shape everyone’s lives… friends, family, life experiences in general. some life experiences invoke similar reactions among all that have witnessed or experienced them. no examples come to mind that i am willing to share. but… i used to think that the people who blamed their actions and the way they were on these life experiences were just trying to find the easy way out of a difficult situation. i assumed that they blamed it on these things because it was the easiest thing to do, not because they were actually so changed. but upon thinking now… upon feeling the after-effects… perhaps i am but trying to find an excuse as well, but it is right to blame. no one even knows what i’m talking about. ambiguity returns. *sigh. don’t know if anyone will ever understand.

i don’t even know where to start explaining it… just wish someone felt the way that i do. i guarantee someone does; i just wish i could find him or her. or maybe i have. who knows…? just don’t quite understand why people see me the way they do because i most certainly do not see it.

so… i went to my old high school (amador) today because tomiko and lena wanted me to… and my old journalism teacher remembered me… and that motherfucker kicked me out!! i’m so fucking pissed… what a bitch. i bet i am the only fucking visitor who has ever gone to his class and he kicks me out? i am so fucking pissed… that is so fucked up. you don’t kick your old student out, especially if you remember her? he must hate me. actually, i don’t think he likes many a person. dick.

my old high school changed a lot… the library is like two stories tall now… or so they would have you believe! apparently it was supposed to be two stories tall but they ran out of money, so they stopped building the second story completely. actually, i was thinking they didn’t want to build a two-story library because columbine had one, but that’s just my skepticality. =P

but then i went to watch “lord of the rings : the two towers” with fontaine, claire, richard, and dottie and it was raining hard i guess so i ran through hella flooded puddles and got my shoes and up to my knees all wet for the whole movie. that sucked… but at least i got to see my precious, beautiful, sexy, graceful, hunky legolas. elves are so freaking dope… so pretty and graceful and stuff… wahhhh *drool ~ >__<; he’s equally cool in this movie! but yeah, it was pretty cool… i liked the trees especially haha… freaking cool. but i won’t go into details… don’t want to spoil it for anyone. =/ i’m such a nerd. oh well… peace… =/

give me your heart, make it real, or else forget about it.
* ROB THOMAS AND SANTANA - SMOOTH *—

december 18th, 2002 9fat cat in a hat with a bat)

i’m listening to… korean ost songs from “gaeul donghwa”, “gyuhool yunga” and “yupgi chuhgeen geunyuh”. ^__^
i’m feeling… u b e r l y - f a t .

1:30 am — a night out with the normal kiddos… or like 1/3 of the normal killa kali kiddos again. har har. i’m scared to see my grades this quarter! anyways.

so around 7-8 pm-ish me, xinlei, claire, fontaine, and dahye went to tapioca express, got some boba, sat around for a while, and then decided to go to nex, a pc bang in k-town. it fucking sucked! we tried playing on daf server (the uw server i usually go to) and my computer was lagging like mad and my ping was like 200 something even though the other girlies’ were not that high >__< rawr. but then we played a lan game and it was like 9 ping so it was uberly cool! no lag! i’ve not played without any lag in a long, long, long time, i think. did pretty good too! 17-15 ^__^

afterwards, went to edgie’s… dahye and xinlei went home first so me, claire, and fontaine (claire and fontaine i haven’t seen for like a year! literally! T.T) went to edgie’s to play pool. richard [lee] and dottie happened to be there. played a couple games… the first was SO pathetic… we couldn’t hit anything in… and then i actually did really good for a while! i was hustling… (and surprising myself jeebus). i think concentration makes a big big difference in pool. ^__~

anyways, going to visit amador (the old high school) tomorrow because tomiko and lena want me to… but i’m scared! freaking… i’m going to be an old fogie! but at least i’ll see my freaking hot ass asian skater boy! he was a sophomore when i was a senior so he’s a senior now too. HE IS SOOOO HOT. hahahahahahaha. =__=; i know, i’m a sicko.

going to watch lord of the rings early on tomorrow too! i heard it was even better than the first one! i also heard that the elf looks even better in this one than he did in the first one! jeebus, must watch! must watch now!

going to get so fat in cali.
peace!

—

december 16th, 2002 (vagina monologues)

i’m listening to… “bad boys” the movie on hbo.
i’m feeling… …

11:51 pm — i just watched the “vagina monologues” on hbo. hm. interesting. very interesting. did anyone know there were things in africa called rape camps? basically women and girls were brought to these camps and were raped and raped and raped by many different people with their penises, with brooms, with bottles, with guns… -__-; and they were because the families had different political opinions or something like that.

“bad boys 2″ is coming out? kind of a long gap… i’d say.

that’s when will smith was cool. :] now… i don’t know.

“bad boys” is soooo funny.

watched “two can play that game” earlier. fucking hilarious movie har har har. black people are funny. ^__^ well, i go. payce.

—

decembre 15th, 2002 (knowing you did)

i’m listening to… “my december (rmx)” bai linkin park [breakbeats], “undertow” bai tool [rock metal].
i’m feeling… phlegmy. =/

4:20 pm — and i can lack it and not care, but not while i’m here.

and i’ve figured it out.
and i’ve figured him out.
and i knew it;
it was right in front of my eyes.
logical in every sense of the word.
but too late, i think.

celebrated josh’s birthday last night… just sat around, ate some cake at seung’s and they smoked some ganja. i said no thx. i’m sick of it again.

some words that describe my feelings better than i could do so myself (especially the second one by mandalay)…:

this is my december;
this is my time of the year.
this is my december;
this is all so clear.
this is my december;
this is my snow-covered home.
this is my december;
this is me alone.
and i…
just wish that i didn’t feel
like there was something i missed.
and i…
take back all the things i said
to make you feel like that.
and i’d give it all away,
just to have somewhere to go to.
give it all away,
to have someone to come home to…
* LINKIN PARK - MY DECEMBER *

you invited me in,
as if it’s nothing.
we tread on old ground,
as if it’s nothing now.
it’s like i hardly see the sky somedays.
it’s like you hardly ever said a word.
and i’d do better if i turned my head,
knowing you did.
i wouldn’t be here
if you could have said no.
i wouldn’t have come here,
if i had ever known.
* MANDALAY - INSENSIBLE *

and i can lack it and not care, but not while you’re here.

december 13th, 2002 (…!)

i’m listening to… “the real world” on tv… hahaha i’ve been watching so much tv since we got it ^__~
i’m feeling… something…?!

8:30 pm — okay, so… i’ve been watching real world for the last like four hours. i swear to god. hahahaha. i want to fucking be on the real world! where do i sign up?! although i think i am a little boring to be on it, butttttt… =__=; sigh. all the girls on it are so skinny and stuff! i don’t think i’ve ever seen a fat person on the real world! weird, i must say.

i want to play pool…!!

i’m going to be single for the rest of my life…!! (not by choice, i don’t think). i have problems with boys… … … emotions in general, i guess. seems like everyone has someone…! oh well. anyways ~ it doesn’t matter…! -__-; but it’s like… the way things are going… the people i am meeting, the places i am going, etc… just make it seem like there is no possibility for me to ever meet someone that i even like?! i mean within the last year i have met SO many people but no one really captures my interest… it is just… weird. you know?! you know?!

=/

so last night, the combination of only one hour of sleep + toking = falling asleep like three times at red robin’s. =X pretty freaking funny, really. =/ sigh ~

ohneul bameh sool masheelka (or something). =__= except for me… i’m disgusted by even the thought of it. =/

there was a commercial on marijuana on the tv showing how these guys smoked and then one guy was like, “dude check this out” and picked up a pistol and shot his friend. heh. =__= don’t know the possibilities of that happening. =/

i
want
it
to
be
next
quarter.

sick of this. sick of everything. =/ i got my washington state driver’s license today but i failed to bring my california license (they have to invalidate it) so basically i have to go back again. trip #3. i fucking suck.

—

december 12th, 2002 (talk about embrassing)

http://board2.cgiworld.dreamwiz.com/view.cgi?id=soopahvi&jd=-708&now=39&ino=734&tmp_no=741

—

december 11th, 2002 (i’d love to lte you go)

i’m listening to… “i want to save you” bai something corporate [emo rock], “courage” bai alien ant far [alternative metal], “sober” bai tool [rock metal], “passenger” bai deftones + maynard [rock metal], “my sacrifice” bai creed [alternative rock], “fell in love with a girl” bai white stripes [indie rock].
i’m feeling… thoughtful.
i’m hella diggin… chevelle and bowling for soup.

quote of the day — every so often i try to masturbate a large word into my conversations even if i don’t know what it means.

10:06 am — suddenly i want to go to the something corporate concert, but i think it’s too late now.

jeebus. i want to watch lord of the rings.

sigh. words cannot describe how much i hate life.

i’m beginning to think i should opinionize less. who the fuck really cares what i have to say anyways… none of it really means anything. i think i am so used to talking about myself (ie: right now) that i talk too much about myself and what i’m thinking when well no one gives a shit jesus christ.

love to hate…
hate to love…
isn’t it weird how it all implies you don’t want to love?

9:52 pm — “i think you’re really kickin.”

some random factoids from watching vh1 pop-up-videos (which btw, i loOoOoOove):
- 14% of american women have posed nude.
- 16% of americans over 21 still live with their parents.
- it takes one hour of sex to burn off calories from 11 hershey’s kisses.
- people in the uk petitioned to have kylie mon… whatever-her-name-is’s name to be a natinal treasure.
- “my sacrifice” by creed’s video is based on a journey through the lead singer’s past.
- the word “lego” comes from danish meaning “play well”. ^__^
- elton john once dressed up as donald duck for a concert.

WHO WANTS TO WATCH LORD OF THE RINGS WITH ME?!

looking for the sun when your eyes are painted black.
looking for understanding with a mouth sewn shut.
looking for a savior when no one’s at your back.
looking for answers when god is intangible.
if ever have i seen a task harder to face,
it would be holding onto my life today.
because life seems guided by nothing.
because i don’t know who i can trust.
because i can’t understand myself.
because i can’t see hope you see.
—

december 10th, 2002 (to my lame life)

i’m listening to… nothing. eva’s sleeping.
i’m feeling… sleepy.

8:29 pm — as my life is rather boring and uneventful these days, i’ll explain of my dullard moments that seem rather exciting to me.

two days ago me and eva were doing laundry and we discovered this green, contemporary styled high stool chair thing in the laundry room… empty, lonely, solitary. upon much deliberation, we decided to take it. i’m going to collage-ize it… hopefully. =/

also eva has this drug book that tells of all these little drug factoids… and we learned that people used to drink deer piss because the deer would eat psychedelic mushrooms and the people would hallucinate off of the deer urine. then the people would drink each other’s urine as it would go through twelve people before it lost it’s potency. =O

and also a lot of famous people were druggies… like freud and mark twain and stuff. so maybe it’s not always so bad after all? =/

anyway. life is lame. and much thanks to liz and josh who helped me get the free tv me and eva are going to borrow from liz this year. much thanks.

(xinlei’s response:)
my dear, freud wanted to have sex with his mother… *___*

(bbin’s response:)
freud said our minds are driven by sex and aggression. see what snorting cocaine does to your brain? at least half his theories must be created from a delusional state of consciousness.

—

december 9th, 2002 (all i have to say isn’t mine)

i’m listening to… “under age’s song” bai dragon ash [japanese hip-hop], “tomorrow” bai avril lavigne [soft acoustic rock].
i’m feeling… …

9:03 pm

and i wanna believe you,
when you tell me that it’ll be ok.
i try to believe you,
but i don’t.
when you say that it’s gonna be,
it always turns out to be a different way.
i try to believe you…
not today…
i don’t know how i feel.
tomorrow, tomorrow.
i don’t know what to say.
tomorrow, tomorrow…
is a different day.
give me a little time.
leave me alone a little while.
maybe it’s not too late…
not today…
* AVRIL LAVIGNE - TOMORROW * —

december 7th, 2002 (i see white people)

i’m listening to… “sweet revenge” bai spooks [downbeat], “on the radio” bai nelly furtado [?], “innocente” bai delirium and leigh nash [vocal trance], “drifting away” bai lange and skye [vocal trance], “polaris” bai zero 7 [trip-hop], “ne” bai ryuichi kwamura [japanese rock ballad], “cab fare” bai hieroglyphics [trip-hop].
i’m feeling… fine.

been a long time since rave. more than a month. =/ went to “oomph” last night… pretty spontaneous. god, my sentences suck right now. anyways, did nothing all day… pretty much slept all day and then listened to music, ate, counterstriked… then went to rave at like eleven pm… it was above this record store on the ave. not that many people… two rooms… pretty small… but it was cool… different… never went to a dasbeben parti… never went to a mostly jungle parti, period.

so i was bored in the non-drum’n'bass room because the dnb room was spinning some gay music… and so i sat on the sofa out of boredom and i met this random white guy who came to smoke a cigarette and stuff… haha so we got to talking about aaron simpsons somehow and i was so close to saying, “aaron simpson is my favorite dj but he is too cocky” or something along those lines… but good thing i didn’t because he turned out to be really good friends with him haha… like aaron buys him his vinyls for spinning and stuff O__x lol. =X

it’s sad. i haven’t seen white people in so long that i am beginning to have a hard time diffrentiating between them. like that guy… and a couple other people… if i don’t see them and their clothes and stuff, i have a difficult time diffrentiating them now =__=. need to meet more white people, for reals. it’s so sad. =/

i’ve concluded there must be something wrong with me because shit, when i meet a lot of people they’re like, “you don’t have a boyfriend? i find that hard to believe.” but if that is the case, that must mean my personality has problems or something. -__-;

—

decembre 5th, 2002 (hopeless)

i’m listening to… “satellite” bai bt [alternative rock], “irresistable” bai tension [chinese r&b], “my own summer” bai deftones [rock metal], “never again” bai lee sooyoung [korean ballad].
i’m feeling…

10:12 am — another long break (considering we used to go every week or every other week) from the ravescene. do i miss it? no. do i want to go? not really. it really is a big, giant waste of money. i don’t see why people go to raves where they know they won’t like the music even. so many drum’n'bass parties coming up. i would love to go but… 1) i don’t know if i can even dance to it anymore, and 2) no one to really go with. see my friends will go, just because, but no one even really likes it. =/ i’ve seen it! people are like, okay, yeah, i like drum’n'bass, but majority of the times they either 1) don’t have fun, or 2) i am the only one dancing, or 3) a combination of both. paul oakenfold is coming… and ak1200 is coming to some fat dnb party the night before. not sure which i am going to go to. =/ in addition to my break-from-raving… i’ve also been drug free for a month. =] i’m proud of myself, really, really. if you lay off the drugs you really feel a lot more clear-headed and what not. =/ i remember watching this commercial once and it was like a bunch of druggies saying how long they’ve been off drugs… and it was like “i’ve been off marijuana for three years.” “i’ve been off crack for a year.” and then there was “i’ve been off ecstasy for three months.” i thought it was the funniest thing because three months? c’mon geez. =/ gotta go to class. bai!

5:11 pm — sigh. i want someone to understand. but i think it’s too much to ask.

it’s so hard to do things right. =/ i can’t handle responsibilities… gah… i am hopeless, hopeless, hopeless.

i’m slowly losing my interest in elektronika too. don’t quite know what is going on. =/ even music doesn’t do it for me anymore. where once music was my escape, i find now it just helps to slash at my inadequacies.

i know your life is empty
and you hate to face this world alone.
so you’re searching for an angel,
someone who can make you whole…
i cannot save you;
i can’t even save myself.
so just save yourself.
i know that you’ve been damaged;
your soul has suffered such abuse.
but i am not your savior;
i am just as fucked as you.
* STABBING WESTWARD - SAVE YOURSELF *

november 30th to december 2nd, 2002 (quatnity over quality)

i’m listening to… nothing because freaking realaudio charges you money to listen to their streaming audio files… WHAT THE FUCK! motherfuckers!
i’m feeling… sick… sort of like a physically sick mixed with carsick feeling -__-. i feel like a sugarbob. yeah, that’s right. … i don’t even quite know what a sugarbob is, but i assume it is something that feels very sugary. i made up the word anyways. =/ so okay, it is something that’s very sugary or feels very sugary. if that makes sense. …

friday, november 30th — did nothing all day. woke up rather early because i went to bed really early the night before. did nothing at my older uncle’s house. wHoOo… then at night we had a family dinner thing with the whole family… with an exception of my aunt (my mom’s older sister) because she is freaing scary and pessimistic and negative and condescending as hell. man, and i thought i was negative. she makes me look like the freaking… something that looks really happy. can’t think of anything at the moment X__x. anyways, the first cnversation i hear her engaged in:
+ aunt — kai kai, shui jian le ni de toufa? (kevin, who cut your hair?)
+ kevin — my friend.
+ aunt — zhe me hui jian le yi ge ne me nan kan de toufa? (why did you get such an ugly haircut?)

freaking witch woman, i tell you. my other cousin, joe, is like 22… i think… and she kept rushing him around and telling him to go home and stuff. they came for like ten minutes and she’s like, “shouldn’t you go home?” and he said, “we just got here!” and she’s like, “okay, we’re leaving in ten minutes.” ten minutes later, she comes back, and everyone else tells her to let my cousin stay for a little while longer, and she tells him another ten minutes and then makes him go home. dude. he is 23, and it was freaking 6:30 or something. yeah, he said he had to study, but whatever dude. he should be able to make decisions on his own. =/

afterwards met up with my twin, allen [ma]. he (well, his friend joe) drove up from atlantic city to meet me. ^__^ like an hour and a half? two hours? =/ cool. there was nothing to do in the area though, so we just went to the mall. people say that’s all there is to do in new jersey: go to the mall. =/

saturday, december 1st — went shopping at some outlet stores in the daytime. didn’t really find anything that great until we went to the delia’s outlet… CHEAP CLOTHES GALORE! i love the freaking delia’s outlet. usually delia’s is way overpriced, but the outlet it mad cheap… so i bought a pair of pants, three sweaters/tops… yeappo. ^o^ and mommy paid for it all! MUHAHAHA… it was buy three things get one free, so i got one of the tops for free too. *thumbs up.

at night, we went to dinner with the whole family (other than the scary aunt and my little cousins). my little cousins stayed at my younger uncle’s house playing video games, watching tv, and playing counterstrike. haha. =/ it was alright… really expensive food though. =/ afterwards went to my younger uncle’s house and played counterstrike muhahaha. my uncle plays counterstrike. i think he is pretty good? not sure.

sunday, december 2nd — didn’t do much in the daytime… went to the asian supermarket… and went to go see my grandma and grandpa one time before i left. i got a ‘red envelope (hong bao)’ with $120 from them! for my birthday! =/ ^__^ man, my grandma is so senile now… i think it is because she has no one to talk to all day and all she really does is watch the television and so she doesn’t really think that much… the only person she really has to interact with is my grandpa, and well… =/ not enough, i guess. it’s really quite sad how skinny she is now and how unclear she is about things. pretty dang crazy. some things she can remember, but apparently earlier (not while we were here), there are days when she can’t eat by herself. mostly, my grandpa feeds her. she can’t walk at all anymore. she’s sooooo skinny, it’s crazy really. =/ i don’t want to be old… seems like she’s so helpless and lonely and sad. =/ she was crying because she felt so touched that we came to the east coast to see her and stuff… i’m really glad we came because i have a feeling that… well, don’t want to curse things, so i won’t really write what i think although everyone kind of has a feeling. -___-;; anyways, it’s quite sad. yes… but my grandpa is balling man. he has like every kind of multimedia thing there is. he has internet… he’s getting cable, although he has dial-up right now… and he has a flatscreen monitor!! geez, i want that shit! and he has nintendo and two tv’s… vcr’s, obviously, dvd player that plays vcd’s, dvd’s, mp3’s, whatever, everything… jeez freaking cool hahaha. man, if i had that stuff in my dorm room, THAT would be cool.

later in the day, we went to do MORE outlet shopping and i bought two tops and two pairs of pants =X i have mad winter clothes now. and summer clothes at home. i’m all set… forever… i think i probably spent around $150 on clothes this trip? not that bad, i guess, considering the quantity. quantity over quality, i say. i could care less how shitty it is, really. hahaha. i got an american eagle shirt for freaking three bucks. HAHA. dopeness. :] and gap jeans!!! only $15 dude… it was $30 minus 10 bucks plus 20% off… DOPENESS to the maximus. :] well, my wrists are getting sore. =/ gosta bizounce and packalack. baibai.

(diana’s response:)
you have a family full of — how shall i put it? — interesting characters. XD you should have bid farewell to your wicked aunt with a hearty: “YO BITCH I’M OUTTIE! PEACE!” but your math spiel at the end has left my brain frazzled! numbers are the enemy! i shun you!

—

novembre 28th to 29th, 2002 (happy turkey day)

i’m listening to… “without you” bai kiss, “tell me, tell me” bai s#arp, “blue sky” bai s.e.s. [all korean].
i’m feeling… tired.

12:08 pm — so it turns out my little cousin kevin is a korean music junkie also. his whole winamp playlist is korean music… that i’m listening to right now. hahaha. interesting, indeed. =X i DID think that his hair was reminiscent of korean singer hair, but now i guess i’m right… hahahaha. interesting. also interesting that all of a sudden my parents are saying we should go vacation in korea because they started watching korean music dramas and stuff… hahahaha.

anyways, i got to new jersey yesterday for thanksgiving break. i left at five in the morning for the airport (joann took me… i owe her big time). took a flight to san francisco international airport where i met up with my parents and brother and then transferred a flight to newark international airport in new jersey. hahaha. (sorry, i’m still amused by the whole korean music thing). anyways. i’m happy cause i lost enough weight to fit into my old clothes! freaking dopeness. i’m going to call up allen [ma], hopefully, and see if he wants to go pick me up so we can go kick it and all that ish. O__o cept… i’m not exactly sure what his number is anymore so i have to get it from somewhere… jea jea. there’s no one to talk to on aim right now because it is 12:12 pm here, meaning 9:12 am over there on the west coast -__-;;;

i wish i had a car here… or more days or something. stayed at my mom’s older brother’s house last night and yeah… i got my own room cause all my other cousins are boys… haha. maybe that explains part of my non-girliness (probably not). -__-; i’m freaking bored. and tired… even though i woke up two hours ago. oh well. my brother said that he suppoesdly is going to buy me a new computer, but somehow i highly doubt it. X__x

i want to play counterstrike.

there’s not much to do here… this uncle’s whole family is quite… _____ (can’t think of the word). basically, as my uncle says, “each member of their family spends their lives with their computers”. heh. =__=;; the older cousin plays a text-based online game. i didn’t even know they had them! O__o oh well i’m going to go do something else so peace outside. hope everyone has a happy turkey day and what not. v(-_-)

—

november 26th, 2002 (macguyver says clotheshangers are handy)

i’m listening to… “overrated” bai allister [punk rock], “timing” bai allister [punk rock], “another perfect day” bai american hi-fi [alternative rock].
i’m feeling… um…?

3:39 pm — man, i know some hoes here. =X so people say once you have sex once, if you have it again with other people, it doesn’t really matter. i don’t agree. but whatever. =/

i have to go run errands. =( i’m going to give everyone i haven’t talked to in a while a phone call within this week or so… so be expecting it! =)

i’m still sick dude =/ i’m going to like… die. =/

so i just spent fifteen minutes helping eva open a drawer… you know when drawers are too full and you can’t close them because something is stuck in it? well she had a printer cartridge box stuck in the drawer so it wouldn’t close, so we spent like fifteen minutes using clothes hangers, rulers, measuring tape, and a flashlight trying to get it dislodged… hahaha… actually pretty fun. =] reminds me of the last summer when a bunch of us were at 7-11 and someone locked the keys out of his/her car and the boys had to use a clotheshanger to fish the keys out of a purse. =] fun.

—

november 25th, 2002 (the road to SOMEWHERE)

i’m listening to… “dream your dreams” bai space girl [hard trance], “ready, steady, go!” bai paul oakenfold [breakbeats], “cold and all alone” bai mxpx [punk rock], “step back” bai silverblue [vocal trance], “here is gone” bai goo goo dolls [alternative rock], “drug ballad” bai eminem [hip-hop].
i’m feeling… *yawn… tired.

quote of the day — “the man is the head (of the house) and the woman is the neck. the neck can turn the head any way it wants to.” - my big fat greek wedding.

12:41 pm — it’s nice to finally have an idea what you want to do, you know. so i’ve finally decided on a major. you know, they say that major doesn’t really matter what you do, but it matters to me… regardless of whether or not it matters later. i don’t want to choose a major just because. i want to choose it because i like it. so… since i’ve been to college, the options went from linguistics to asian languages and literature to communications to sociology to graphic design. but i’ve finally figured it out and i’m working on it… working on what i really DO want to do =/ so… this is my tentative schedule for next quarter… this is like the most ugly schedule i’ve ever had in my life =/ english is likely to change to art 121… that is if the class is still open by then… because on december 2nd, if it’s still open, the class is open to non-art majors as well (me)… hopefully i will get in =X wish me luck… because then i can apply, i believe. a peek at my horribly ugly schedule below… man, i’m going to die… i’ve never really had an 8:30 class before =/

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday
8:30	SOC 220 AD MGH 241	SOC 220 AD MGH 241	SOC 220 AD MGH 241	SOC 220 AD MGH 241
9:00
9:30	GIS 130 A CMU B027		GIS 130 A CMU B027		GIS 130 A CMU B027
10:00
10:30
11:00
11:30					SOC 220 AD SAV 131
12:00
12:30	ENGL 197 B DEN 302	ART H 202 AC ART 004	ENGL 197 B DEN 302	ART H 202 AC ART 004	ENGL 197 B DEN 302
1:00
1:30
2:00
2:30
3:00
3:30	ART H 202 AC KNE 130		ART H 202 AC KNE 130		ART H 202 AC KNE 130
4:00

i think i’m going to get carpel tunnel… =/ my wrists hurt like mad after that one night of crazy counterstriking… =/

i’ll tell you the only bad part about this online journal ish… =/ you can’t write everything you think and feel… or if you do, it has to be horribly ambiguous and in a couple of years you probably won’t even know you were talking about anymore =/

you know what’s retarded? people who go to raves and always need a ho. whatever.

you can look but you can’t touch;
i don’t think i like you much.
* GARBAGE - I THINK I’M PARANOID * —

lameness again

have you ever:
[pictured ur crush naked?]: well i don’t really HAVE one… =/
[actually seen ur crush naked]: ^ above ^
[been in love]: nope.
[cried when someone died]: i’ve never known anyone who died.
[drank alcohol]: yeah.
[lied]: what a stupid question.
[fallen for ur best friend]: nope. but i haven’t fallen, period.
[been rejected]: oh certainly.. all the time.
[rejected someone]: somewhat.
[used someone]: probably, but i don’t know an example. everyone uses people. people are shallow like that… even if you think yourself so high and noble… you probably still have. i’d bet on it.
[been cheated on]: no.
[done something u regret]: not really.

opposite sex:
[what do u notice first?]: hair or clothes.
[do you go for looks?]: yeah. i’m shallow, i guess. =/ but then i always stop myself…?

who was the last person…
[u talked to]: eva (my roommate).
[u hugged]: haha umm seungbum.
[u instant messaged]: david shibata.
[u laughed with]: lewis and eva.
[u were on the phone with]: my mum.

[color ur hair]: black (i dyed it black).
[ever get off the damn computer]: never =/
[habla espanol]: si, hablo espanol.
[dance]: at raves.
[sing]: always.

[smoke]: canibus, somewhat. cigarettes, barely ever.
[obsessive]: about a lot of things.
[could u live without the computer?]: not after i’ve had it =/
[whats ur favorite food?]: who cares.
[whats ur favorite fruit?]: bananas and asian pears and cherries and grapes and lychees.
[like watching sunrises or sunsets]: sunsets.
[what hurts the most? physical pain or emotional pain?]: both. =/ but i guess emotional.

final questions:
[I want]: to get a life, to go home, to do things right, to lose weight, to go snowboarding.
[I need]: …
[I wish]: i could go to asia and go shopping. =/
[I love]: lots of things.
[I fear]: being poked.
[I wonder]: why we live.
[I want to kiss]: …

—

november 23rd, 2002 (a whole new level of patheticness)

i’m listening to… “without me” bai eminem [hip-hop], “symmetry” bai brainchild [breakbeats], “knight of a doll” bai next [korean r&b].
i’m feeling… pathetic.

6:44 pm — i’ve discovered… there are no situations that you have no possibility of being in. no matter how absurd, how against it, how unlikely a situation may be, it’s still possible that you may find yourself facing it.

…

not sure what kind of comment that was.

so i reached a whole new level of patheticness yesterday… i played counterstrike with some homies from hmm… four am to twelve pm… =/ eight hours of playing counterstrike on my piece of shit computer and being completely and absolutely nokturnal. =/ geez, i don’t know… i really find it odd that guys find it so fascinating that a girl plays. i would imagine more girls play than do, i guess. guys are such fags… it’s like they all always have this subconscious or maybe not so subconscious belief that girls can never do as well as guys at that stuff… that is such bullshit. of course, i am not one to prove the matter otherwise, but it doesn’t mean that there aren’t girls that can. =/

anyways, let’s not trade presents this year kids (for christmas)… if that’s cool with you, let me know. i’m hurting for money, and i’m sure other people wouldn’t mind either. =/ or else… we buy each other presents AFTER christmas… KAKAKAKA. =P

i don’t really know why, but i am completely and absolutely into monogamous relationships. i don’t have a reason for this, really… i’ve never been in an actual relationship, but… recently i found out some people geez… just screw everything or something… have sex with like six, seven, eight people who mostly aren’t even their boyfriends… i don’t think i could ever do that… i would just feel so dirty and blechhhh… sick… there are a lot of people like that too.

i wonder if it’s really true that once a cheater, always a cheater. i’d like to believe it’s not, but it seems like many of the individuals who fuck it up once fuck it up more than once in the long run. and sometimes they cheat, admit to wrong, cheat again, admit to wrong again, and then lose it all… and then afterwards they realize just how much of a good thing they lost. not that i’m thinking of anyone in particular or anything *rolling eyes. and then they try to claim it is love and they just made mistakes, but had it been love, it wouldn’t have happened in the first place.

—

november 22nd, 2002 (criminal justice and the legal system)

in criminal justice today we had a guest speaker come in. she is this lady who does animated documentaries about topics like crime and domestic violence and murder and stuff. hella fucking interesting. cartoonized documentaries man. way cool. waaaay cool. =) and anyways, she talked about these organizations nationwide that help release innocent prisoners from prison. these organizations investigate and find out if these people are innocent, and then try getting them released from jail. so cool, so cool. i would work for that any day. fucking dopeness. it’s sort of like being a lawyer, but not. =/

although there is dna evidence in only 20% of cases, some of these organizations only work on cases with dna evidence available, and just from that, there have been one hundred and fifty people exonerated. can you imagine how many people must be put in jail wrongly? =/

man, the whole united states legal system is mad shady, for reals… prosecutors get accused or proven of of prosecutorial misconduct all the time and it doesn’t even matter because they don’t get in trouble. there are some legal sanctions that protect prosecutors from getting in trouble even if they do stuff wrong. and dude… forensics are only available for prosecutors and not for the defense. i didn’t know that. what the hell? that’s mad fucked up =/

actually, canada has a better legal system… i really forget the reasons why now because i only got like two hours of sleep before i went to class, but it was really really interesting… because canada found that they convicted some people wrongly and so they had a meeting and many people from around the world came, and they sat down and thought of how they could make the legal system there better… and they changed things. and in the united states, although innocent people get convicted all the time, they are unwilling to change. in the united kingdom, they wrongly convicted and executed just TWO people, so they completely abolished the death penalty there. that is dopeness. also… if people are proven innocent in america, they most likely don’t even get an apology and under some circumstances, their freedom is exchanged for their non-sueing of the state. how fucked up is that?

that is all for now. man, criminal justice is hella freaking interesting. =)

november 21st, 2002 (domestic violence)

in criminal justice today we had a guest speaker come in. she is this lady who does animated documentaries about topics like crime and domestic violence and murder and stuff. hella fucking interesting. cartoonized documentaries man. way cool. waaaay cool. =)

so as for domestic violence… it’s a topic that’s been revolving around my mind quite a bit lately. it’s not that new to me… and i just can’t understand the reasons that women stay in abusive relationships. but i’ve been trying to research these things and find out why, because it just doesn’t make much sense to me. =/

i will report more when i find out more information, but stuff i did learn today:
- one third of women have been abused sometime in their life. (crazy).
- abusive men are sometimes more intimate. (wtf?)
- abusive men are very dependent.
- abuse men very likely have been abused sometime in their lives or witnessed it.
- women average leaving their husbands seven times before actually leaving.
- 90% of women who are homeless are there because of abuse.

=/ i am going to do some research soon… =/

—

november 21st, 2002 (face of the day =/)

i’m listening to… “heaven” bai lee junghyun [korean drum’n'bass], “ready, steady, go” bai paul oakenfold [breakbeats], “summer romance” bai incubus [jazzy rock], “adhesive” bai the stone temple pilots [alternative rock], “the blind man” bai mono [trip-hop], “no day but today” bai brown eyes [korean r&b], “last summer night” bai kang ta [korean folk rock], “torn apart” bai stabbing westward and wink [elektronik rock].
i feel… stuffed.

10:59 pm — man… it’s uncanny how different of tastes a lot of non-asians have towards asian people. like… on deviantart.com a lot of people always give this one hella ugly girl all these comments about how sexy she looks *shudder. =/ yeuk. it’s uncanny. almost as uncanny as my lack of cs skillz. =/

so i rearranged my whole schedule… … =( so the schedule you saw from before is no longer correct. i will post the new one if ever i finish it. i rearranged everything in hopes that i can get into art 121… =/ that class i only offered once a year and i decided that i am going to try going for graphic design… because a lot of people are going for it and shit, if they are trying, i might as well too. i don’t think i am so much worse than them, if worse at all. that’s sort of like my dream job too >__< i just hope i can get in. but in the meanwhile, i’m going to take sociology classes and apply for that. maybe i can double major or something… hmm… i don’t know if that’s possible. guess soc is like a fall-back-on major. so yeah… took a while but i finally figured it out… don’t know why i never thought of these things even though it was right under my nose.

i’ve been having interesting conversations with people lately… about life in general. =/ me and eva concluded that there are just some people who lack direction in life and always have, really, and so it doesn’t bother them all that much. but as for us, because we always sort of had direction (growing up in suburbia, i suppose), a sudden lack of direction is a little mind-boggling and well, annoying and depressing. well i’ve been a little bothered for the past couple of months… but now that i finally kind of have an idea about what i want to do, it is quite refreshing.

i’m so tired; i’ve been going to bed at like seven or eight everyday this week. =/ mad craziness. =/ oh well.

jesus… and the spawn soundtrack is the freaking dopest thing ever =/

i
hate
when
guys
call
me
baby.
what the hell man. r-e-s-p-e-c-t’s the word, you motherfucka!

i’m laying off the drugs, for serious this time. it’s been like three weeks of sobriety, and although that may not seem like much for many, it is a lot for me. and you don’t know the extent of peer pressure also… it’s not like i am never offered. it really feels a lot better without. i feel more motivated, more clear-headed… something like that. i’m getting back in the haps of my normal self and i like it this way.

—

november 20th, 2002 (bags under my eyes)

i’m listening to… freya lin’s “all for him” album [chinese], shunza album [chinese].
i’m feeling… freaking so tired!! =(

links of the day — http://www.hekkuli.org/~hekkuli/flash/. some cool time-consuming things on there. and http://www.spikything.com/ has some cool flash games too… wah… time consuming galore.

5:33 am — i think this is my most inconsistent journal updating in a long time. haha. i’m so lame. oh well. man my sleep schedule is so fucked up. well anyways, here’s my schedule for next quarter:

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday
8:30
9:00
9:30	GIS 130 A CMU B027		GIS 130 A CMU B027		GIS 130 A CMU B027
10:00
10:30
11:00
11:30	SOC 271 AG THO 134		SOC 271 AG THO 134
12:00
12:30	SOC 271 AG KNE 130		SOC 271 AG KNE 130		SOC 271 AG KNE 130
1:00
1:30	ENGL 198 X LOW 115		ENGL 198 X LOW 115		ENGL 198 X LOW 115
2:00
2:30	PHIL 120 AC GWN 301	PHIL 120 AC SAV 341	PHIL 120 AC GWN 301	PHIL 120 AC SAV 341	PHIL 120 AC GWN 301
3:00
3:30
4:00

wow dude… the table colors match so well… i want to use them for my webpage… shieeet… they are so lovely. anyways, this schedule is great for it allows much time for sleeping in on tuesdays and thursdays =D but mondays, wednesdays, and fridays shalt be hell indeed. =(

anyways, i was chatting online for a bit after registration yesterday and then freaking a… 8 am is the worst time to try to fall asleep ever. it’s so freaking noisy outside… makes me glad i’m not a light sleeper… cause then i’d wake up at eight every morning… well, that WOULD be a good thing, if i weren’t such a lazy pig. =( i’m sort of thinking maybe i should just hurry up and fall asleep right now before the freaking sun comes up and i can’t sleep but… i can’t sleep. =(

blah… meeting new people is good. i think i need to get out more; i’m losing all communication skills i have or did ever have, i swear to god. -__-; SAD… sad life of mine.

sigh.
i need a life.
and lots of other things.

i hope xinlei is okay… i hope you’re okay.

i need a guy who can challenge me, teach me, entertain me. i need someone who i can learn from… someone who’s not so different that we can’t relate but is different enough to tell me and teach me things i don’t know. someone i can talk about about anything and everything, not like some of the motherfuckers i know who i can’t talk to about anything serious… or who i talk to about anything serious and they’re just like… whatever… chi. don’t know. sigh. sigh sigh sigh. too many guys i meet here lack substance. yuk. turnoff deluxe. =/

haha janine just called me morbid because i showed her the egg pic. hahahaha… morbid kids… =P like the old days. miss the cali kids, really. so hard to keep in touch with everyone because there are so many people… sigh. my life is so directionless… and it doesn’t bug a lot of people, but it bugs the shit out of me. who would ever want to be an adult anyways? jeez. responsibilities, emotions, blahblah. no fun. i never wanted to be an adult when i was little. weirdos.

(xinlei’s response:)
thanks vivian i am fine sorry when you called me i was at my friends apartment and he was good friends with the girl who died this weekend and i didnt know what to say to him at all ~ i felt so terrible because there’s really nothing you can say and i felt like i was making it worse anyway i just thought of you when i found out. and i work on the school paper and they wanted to know about what happened but it felt so inappropriate for me to tell them anything so i just gave them her name… she was only 19 and she lived near my dorms last year and she had braces and she worked at the coffee place by the student centre and one of my friends had a big crush on her last year and she died, it seems really surreal. apparently she overdosed on e, i’m pretty fuzzy on the details, but the guys that supplied it and were partying with her, they are now being charged with homicide… her family is taking is pretty hard, as you could probably imagine. it’s just really tragic. :/ anyway sorry i left you that harried message but i immediately thought of you and i was just in bed so i called you okay take care miss vivian i love you very much and you are such a dear friend and i dont know what i would do if anything ever was to happen to you, honestly .

—

november 17th, 2002 (cheering in my head)

i’m listening to… — the crystal method’s “tweekend” album [big beat].
i’m feeling… pain in the eyeballs.
i’m hella diggin… counterstrike. sigh. huk. blah.

4:23 am — so instead of listening to the crystal method and aphrodite firsthand at my now favorite venue (the old northgate theatre), i sit here listening to the crystal method on my walkman and going blind staring at the computer. seriously, this is the longest i’ve sat in front of the computer screen straight for a long time. =X i’ve been playing counterstrike for the last… five hours, at least. =X freaking sad… but i think it’s really easy to play it a lot. goals:

- to be a counterstrike pro by the end of the year.
- to be blind by the end of the month.

well, the second is not really a goal… more like a likelihood. you know… this staying up until 4:00 am pattern was the same one i had last night when we went to [baller-]steve’s and everyone else smoked out of the new bong the boys bought… and passed out… i got a sort-of contact high, but yeah… everyone passed out and once again i was playing counterstrike until 4:00 am. hahaha. when seungbum passed out (because we usually switch off), i was cheering like a maniac in my head at how it was mine… all mine! =)

—

november 14th, 2002 (itsa-me-ah)

i’m listening to… “i’ll catch you” bai the get-up kids [rock], “ama oto (rmx)” bai skoop on somebody [japanese], “give me your love” bai rich [korean], “more than you know” bai out of eden [christian].
i’m feeling… hukkity. =) >__<

10:04 pm — so like… technically i suppose i should be rejoicing but i’m feeling quite odd. i always miss the deadlines for my communications 202 homework assignments… and i barely ever go to section… but i have an 80 in the class. fucking a man. if i went to class, i would have like a 90. -__-; hukimajity. >__<;

11:34 pm — it seems japanese people like jazzy drum’n'bass quite a bit. perhaps i am wrong, though. anyways. my computer has even less space now (like 350 mb) because i downloaded more empee3’s, installed adobe illustrator, and… yeah. i have found a new stupid thing to be excited over: adobe photoshop brushes… they’re so fauking cool ~ when i have time i’m going to play around more with them… wish i were less tired all the time so i could have more time to do shit… well… i’m gonna go pass out and then clean this fauking room and do some studying (idealistically). peace.

1:56 am — you know those people who you wouldn’t trust with any of your belongings? the type that you would never give your keys to, never lend a cd to, never let drive your car, never let borrow your clothes? those idiots who make you slap your forehead and think, “what a godamn idiot?” those dumbasses that make you laugh your ass off because of their stupidity? yeah. that’s me.

to hell with self-worth when you have little.

all my life i’ve been searching for something.
something never comes, never leads to nothing.
* FoO FIGHTERS - ALL MY LIFE *—

november 13th, 2002 (distract me)

i’m listening to… “brown paper bag” bai roni size [drum’n'bass], “i ain’t mad at cha” bai 2pac [rap], “space cowboy” bai n’sync [pop].
i’m feeling… stuffy-nosed… the pattern of the past week or so X__o.

11:34 pm — i can’t believe that people buy books on etiquette. it seems ridiculous to me that people would waste money on reading what some other PERSON thinks that they should say, do, act, feel, think. fuck that shit. -__- i haven’t decided yet whether i am liberal or conservative. i remember taking those liberal / conservative tests in high school and in my civics class, i was the most liberal one… but i really don’t think i am all that liberal about things X__o not sure, really. wondering if i should start up my thoughts page again. some girl actually wrote me an e-mail saying that that was her favorite section of my page. hard to believe that someone actually read it. i think i will start it up again though… i don’t have enough distractions X__o

eating thaiger room’s bean sprout deluxe leftovers from yesterday. SOOOO SOOOO SOOOO yum ^__^

2:15 am — i can’t believe i chatted on directconnect chat for so long. i am pathetic beyond compare. need to stay up for a while tonight to study for criminal justice midterm tomorrow and finish communications hw. pz.

—

november 12th, 2002 (survey says!)

i’m listening to… “without you” bai kiss [korean], “janeiro” bai solid sessions [trance], “like this” bai dj greddy (not really bai him) [breaks], “phantom of the opera theme” [musical music], “bios-fear” bai stakka + skynet [drum’n'bass], “born to bounce” bai brooklyn bounce [house], “aurora” bai foo fighters [rock].
i’m feeling… fauking sick.

10:12 pm — i am in love with legolas from lord of the rings (the skinny arrow-shooting elf). someone please buy me a poster of him X__o it would make my life. okay, not really, but yeah. i just watched the first lotr movie on my computer (again) and now i am swOoning (again). ^__^ he is so sexy… and beautiful. >__<; well because i have nothing worthwhile to say today, i shalt do a survey i found in liz’s journal. it’s ben a long time since i’ve done one O__o; i am doing this one because… it’s pretty. =X

// series one - as usual
– Name: vivian hua
– Birthdate: december 20th, 1983
– Birthplace: queenz, new york… i’m technically a ghetto gal.
– Current Location: livermore, california and seattle, washington. blahblah.
– Eye Color: dark brown.
– Hair Color: jet black because i dyed it that way… well, it’s kind of fading…
– Righty or Lefty: righty, unfortunately. i like the way left-handedness looks. =X
– Zodiac Sign: sagittarius.
– Innie or Outtie: innie… but i think if i had an outtie i would ignore this whole question O__x

// series two - describe
– Your heritage: chinese-american.
– The shoes you wore today: my black volatile platform sneakers with grey and red trim… i lava them.
– Your hair: past my shoulders… and well, i need a haircut.
– Your eyes: uh… i think my eyes are pretty. =X
– Your weakness: when. i. like. someone. i. am. stupid.
– Your fears: becoming REALLY old, knives… and some other stuff.
– Your perfect pizza: cheese and mushrooms… lots of mushrooms ^__~
– One thing you’d like to achieve: learning chinese and korean better. writing a book. designing magazine pages. etc. etc. a billion and a half thing.

// series three - what is
– Your most overused phrase on aol\aim: “ic”
– Your thoughts first waking up: “i want to sleep.”
– The first feature you notice in the opposite sex: hair and clothes.
– The best Name for a Butler: wtf?! jeeves.

– Your best physical features: i told you. i like my eyes.
– Your bedtime: any time from 10 pm to 8 am. hahahaha.
– Your greatest fear: heh. =P
– Your greatest accomplishment: heh.
– Your most missed memory: family memories.

// series four - you prefer
– Pepsi or coke: coke but whatever… i don’t really like either.
– McDonald’s or Burger King: mcdonald’s.
– Single or group dates: both are fine. but i barely remember this thing you call a date it’s been so long. -__-;
– Adidas or nike: adidas.
– Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: nestea, i think.
– Chocolate or vanilla: chocolate.
– Cappuccino or coffee: cappuccino… wOo… i want to SMELL coffee… that’s right, not drink it, but smell it. =X
– Boxers or briefs: whatever.

// series five - do you
– Smoke: yup. cigarettes and weed.
– Cuss: what do you think, you fuck?!
– Sing well: i think i do, but my ears may decieve myself.
– Take a shower everyday: yeah, i believe so.
– Want to go to college: gee… nope. i’m just enrolled in uw you know… because i don’t want to.
– Like high school: i think i did…?
– Want to get married: sure.
– Type with your fingers on the right keys: no but i can probably type faster than all you motherfuckers anyways! not sure if it’s something good to brag about -__-;

– Believe in yourself: depends on what.
– Get motion sickness: i think not, but i do get carsick? i guess same thing.
– Think you’re attractive: i’m decent.
– Think you’re a health freak: no.
– Get along with your parents: yeah.
– Like thunderstorms: no. lightening is cool though. i just do not enjoy the biddabangcrashboom.
– Play an instrument: i DID play piano. i HAVE played guitar, if you could call my guitar-playing PLAYING. yup.

// series six - in the past month, did/have you
– Drank alcohol: a smidgen.
– Smoke(d): yeah.
– Done a drug: a couple, rather.
– Have Sex: no.
– Made Out: no.
– Go on a date: no. *sigh. but who knows what a date is defined as anyways.
– Go to the mall: yes.
– Eaten an entire box of Oreos: wtf? no! i’ve never done that in my life. -__-;
– Eaten sushi: um… nope.
– Been on stage: nope.
– Been dumped: yeah… my imajinary boyfriend dumped me… that bastard!
– Gone skating: i wish.
– Made homemade cookies: no home to make cookies in, sir.
– Gone skinny dipping: never ever.
– Dyed your hair: no.
– Stolen anything: yeah, like three hours ago. heh.

// series seven - have you ever
– Played a game that required removal of clothing?: everyday.
– If so, was it mixed company: i’m just kidding.
– Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: does this only refer to alcohol? in which case not to the point of passing out, so i suppose that is not trashed.
– Been caught “doing something”: nope.
– Been called a tease: ?!
– Gotten beaten up: by my brother. heh.
– Shoplifted: yeah, like three hours ago.
– If so, did you get caught: i’ve been near-caught once. well, actually, i was caught, but whatever, cause the lady was not able to prove it.
– Changed who you were to fit in: i wouldn’t doubt it, but i cannot cite such an example.

// series eight - the future
– Age you hope to be married: … we’ll see what happens.
– Numbers and Names of Children: ideally three… from oldest to youngest, girl, boy, girl. or girl, boy, boy. or girl, girl, boy. i just don’t trust a boy being older. heh. i have half a billion names i like also.
– Describe your Dream Wedding: who cares.
– How do you want to die: who cares.
– Where you want to go to college: i’m already in college, but i WANTED to go to berkeley. heh. grad school!
– What do you want to be when you grow up: lalalala. teacher? legal something? graphic designer? editor? etc. etc.? i have a billion things.
– What country would you most like to visit: that i haven’t visited? korea, japan, greece, italy.

{x} Current Clothes: white pants, red and white shirt that saying “flying high” and has a monkey on it. i have a blue sweatshirt draped over my shoulder like one of those preppies because it’s kind of cold, but not THAT cold.
{x} Current Mood: sick. is that a mood? i don’t know.
{x} Current Taste: choco-chip-cOoooOoOoOOookiiiiiiiii
{x} Current Hair: tied up.
{x} Current Annoyance: runny noses >__<
{x} Current Smell: no smell here.
{x} Current thing you ought to be doing: studying? studying.
{x} Current Desktop Picture: a snowboarder flying off a mountain. heh. thinking about changing it to legolas from lotr though =X
{x} Current Favorite Groups: aigo… umm… incubus. whatever mang.
{x} Current Book: going to reread “me talk pretty one day”. heh ~
{x} Current DVD In Player: if i had a dvd player, perhaps i would tell you. but lotr is in my computer. =T
{x} Current Refreshment: …
{x} Current Worry: everything.
{x} Current Crush: i’ve come to conclude that i’ll probably like him forever… so he doesn’t count.
{x} Current Favorite Celebrity: ORLANDO BLOoOoOoOoOoM and brad pitt. ^__^

—

november 11th, 2002 (puntacular)
i’m listening to… “blind visions” bai accadia, “into the dawn” bai accadia, “watching the waves” bai blank + jones, “beyond time” bai blank + jones, “after the storm” bai the cynic project (the dopest artist name ever), “zen garden” bai tangerine dream, “one shot wasted” bai deepoceanvastsea, “distance” bai schiller [all ambient or trip-hop].
i’m feeling… sick as fauk. >__<
i’m hella diggin… ambient music. i’ve come to enjoy this stuff like you don’t even know.

4:30 am — as i sit here writing this because i once again can not go to sleep, i am coughing up a lung and dying. -__-; i am ridiculously sick. i have been sick for like three weeks. i am definitely going to be an early dyer. -__-; knowing my luck, i will not want to die and the last years of my life will be like… the best ever or something. cynic.

so tonight was the no doubt, garbage, and the distillers concert at key arena. i went with a random crowd (well, not really a crowd at all). went with lingo, whom like jina, i think i only see when i’m going to concerts with them. go figure. perhaps it has something to do with the lack of asian individuals who are interested in rock music. tony [cordova] also went too… random considering this was his first rock concert. wOo ~

so bah-bah-hah, we left for key arena at around 6:10-ish and hung around at the neighboring mcdonald’s for quite some time. my first time consuming mcdonald’s in lord knows how long. i really never quite liked hamburgers much… chicken burgers always appealed to me a whole mess more.

as for the concert itself… tony got slightly drunk0rd (whatever i’m making up my own |-|/\><0rz or whatever language hahahahahaha) beforehand and therefore he had to pee like a madman throughout the beginning part of our little endeavor. problem being: it was the most crowded concert i’ve ever been to in my life. so… during the break between the distillers and garbage, he went to the bathroom… when he came back, we had moved a little closer towards the front and he was nowhere to be found =( i looked for him, or tried, but it was rather difficult since i am not vertically-challenged and the crowd was so freaking packed together one would barely breathe. i seriously felt as though my shoulder were going to pop out of place at any moment. not a beautiful possible sight, i must say. i must say i found it quite sad that i could not accompany tony for the most-part of his first concert since it is such a wonderful experience… and i believe he had more fun than i as well. such a shame. but i tried.

anyways. the distillers were alright. the lead singer was a female as well, but a rather butch one if you ask me. she looked like a man, sounded like a man, dedicated a ‘love song’ to shirley (lead singer of garbage) and gwen (lead singer of no doubt). i suppose her actions, speech, and aestheticness (whatever) left very little to be questioned about her sexual orientation. but perhaps i am wrong. perhaps she is a man-loving woman who just happens to look like a dike. *shrug.

for garbage me and lingo were about three rows away from the front. i love garbage, but they didn’t play enough songs for my tastes… especially since i personally went to see garbage, not no doubt. but i suppose that is what happens when you go see a band that no one knows that well… -__-; maybe i am wrong, but i swear no one really knows garbage about garbage. pun intended. i’m so funny. during the garbage set, there was this fucking girl (not literally) to the left of me… i said something about how i couldn’t move. she said that no one could in a bitchy voice so i said matter-of-factly, “you’re a bitch.” and she said, “you’re a bitch too.” i replied, “how the fuck am i a bitch?” and she was completely silent. and then later her boyfriend said something about my asking him to move his elbow (i didn’t even say it rudely) because it was jabbing me in the chest (godamn my being short). she said something along the lines of, “i know… she’s a bitch. i told her off.” whatever you fucking ho. telling me ‘you are a bitch too’ is by no means telling me off. fucking fat ho. -__-;

onward ho (no pun intended this time) — no doubt… was… the DOPEST act i’ve ever seen in my life. i truly still do not care much for their music, but i have a lot of respect for them now as performers. they are