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i’m listening to… emilliana torini, ryan adams, ella fitzgerald.
i’m feeling… meh.
10:12 pm — i am soooo tired =__=
and it’s not from lack of sleep… i just want to go somewhere and not have to worry about anything =) tired of not having the magazine work, tired of not having a job, tired of not having money… oy.
through the past month or so, i have discovered come to hate some people! really, really. it’s not the best thing, but some people are just like fucking intolerable, i swear…
hate is so bad… but i think i finally hate someone!!! for the second time in my life (but i am over the first person because i got an apology… although what he did was far worse… and maybe i’m not 100% over it, but i don’t really have to deal with his existence, so whatever).
the other day i went to sure shot cafe on university way to drop off some magazines, and this old dude stopped me and started ranting about how all people who run indie magazines should band together to create one magazine and make one magazine that has information about everything… like a collective magazine. because magazines are supposed to be a storehouse of knowledge, he said, so therefore they should have everything. he kept going on about how editors of magazines are cocky monkeys, and how everything is about ego, ego, ego. that may be true, but a collective publication would never work out… people have different goals and different aims. a publication like that would never work. he went on about how in the 60s they tried doing collective publications like that but the police stopped it, and how no one will ever do that now… he said a lot about how “america was dying” blahblahblah.
anyways. the past weekend the scm people came up for some lan tourney, la la la. yes. nothing much special there. yes.
we need to go questing… it’s been a while.
blahblah. of all things lately, i’m yearning for some stability. i need something constant… cause nothing really is. i make my own inefficient days… and although i DO do a lot more than a lot of people, it feels so incomplete… i hope i’m one of the people who gets lucky enough to get something out of my own trials and tribulations, rather than out of someone else’s… to be deeming what you want to do for your life is the most underrated shit. i don’t want to be stuck as one of those who gets told what to do.
it’s that feeling that’s coming up again — of overwhelming mediocrity and the lack of being complete. UGHHHHHH. i don’t know how people can sit around and do absolutely NOTHING. as human beings, don’t people feel like there’s a duty to themselves to accomplish something? i don’t know though, maybe if / when you don’t do anything, it’s easier to not be let down, right? why risk it…
i went to a job interview for web design last thursday, and i THOUGHT i did swell, but i haven’t heard back from them yet. i don’t honestly know how long it takes people to make decisions like this, but i really hope i get it. they’re nice people, and i think i can craft websites that are shitloads better than the ones they have now… and i thought the interview was okay… so there’s no reason in my mind that i shouldn’t get it… but i’ve never successfully interviewed for a job yet — every job i’ve had i kind of had ASAP… so… that being said, i don’t know…
i’ve been getting nosebleeds like when i wake up every morning UGH. today i got it for like twenty minutes while taking a shower. it was fscking annoying. and it’s like. only out of one nostril. and it is super runny, like the consistency of water, just spurting out, and then chunking up all over the place when it finally congeals into little livers. UGHHHHHH.
i feel like i should be saying something more worthwhile because i haven’t written anything in here like a month, but nothing is really coming to me. oy vey. too much incompleted stuff to think about to get things to “come to mind,” i guess…
lenny, posa, and i have been working on our sushimonsters.com site. it’s slowly coming along, but the amount of work involved is massive. SO TIRED UGHHHHHH… gotta fight it. one of these days, one of my business ventures will hopefully pay off, and on that day, i’ll be happy.
work isn’t everything, but it is a huge indication of who you are if you want it to be. and i want it to be; i want to make a mark with something worthwhile.