inside the wonderful world of vee

Oy vey, I don’t know about this at the moment.

Portland is cool and the people at the house we’re staying at are DOPE. Extremely, extremely chill. Like… let us stay at their house even when they’re not home type chill. But I don’t know how long Ican stay on the road, man. I miss seattle. I need something familiar at the moment. Or at least I feel like I do ~__~ Pathetic enough, I think if I had a reliable internet connection, it’d help, but I don’t, and it just adds to the feeling of… feeling weird.

I’m watching TV for the first time in however million years long and I’m watching Andrew Zimmerman’s “Bizarre Foods” show on the Food Network.

SUCKLING PIG IS SO FUCKING SICK. YOU EAT THE WHOLE PIG!! THE WHOLE PIGGGGGG. THAT’S UNDER ONE MONTH OLD AND WEIGHS LESS THAN SEVEN POUNDS!! KILL MEEEEE! SICKKKKK!!!

And that’s about all I have to say. It’s nice to see a show about somewhere across the world, in Madrid, and feel like you were there long enough (granted, only 5 days, but 5 days was kinda enough to feel at home KINDA) to know where they are on the street. D:

I <3 Spain.

I’m listening to… “Just Tonight…,” “Work,” “Kill,” and “23″ by Jimmy Eat World.

Man, I really need to update my journals from Spain, Portugal, and Japan. But I’ll probably get to those when I’m in Portland, or something.

Well, on the plus side out of all of this, I’ve been having some I guess deep conversations with people lately. Why, I’m not really sure, but I’m finding out a lot of things about people that are well, random and interesting. Just read a blog Kyle, my writer, posted years and years ago when I first started talking to him… about his friend’s death, their friendship, and his friend’s struggle with her mom’s cancer and with living. I don’t know. It was touching.

I also watched “The Diving Belle And The Butterfly” with Alex tonight. Rachel, Jack, and I had rented it last night but gotten distracted by stupid shit, like MySpace, and not watched it. LOL. Rachel asked me, “When do you want to watch that movie?” and I was high and said, “In an hour,” but I was totally fucking joking. She, also high, thought I was serious! WTF! So we never watched it. Oh well, though. It was a visual and cinemographic delight. The story was captivating but primarily only because of the cinematography. I recommend highly. Just for the visuals.

Anyway, I mentioned deep conversations as a plus side but that has nothing to do with my current woes, actually.

The positive thing to come out of it all is my re-reliance and reconnection with music. I’ve been neglecting music for so so so long. I mean, I honestly haven’t really downloaded or sorted my music for YEARS. I mean YEARS. Probably three and a half years, right around the time I got a boyfriend. haha. I started doing a bit of that and it’s weird, but I feel a lot fucking better. I’ve been like, sleeping at 4AM every night and waking up at around 1PM, and the primary reasoning behind it all is that I’ve been gorging myself on music. It’s like I’m rediscovering it. A lot of things have been lost for years and I’m just starting to pay attention to it. It’s a sense of familiarity that is welcome right now.

What else am I realizing? I’m realizing my relationship with writing, that is something else that is neglected in my best moods. Writing, more than anything, has gotten me through my worst times. It’s selfish, kind of, as writing is a purely egotistical thing, I think… but from when I was a little girl… I’d say 5th grade at earliest… and I was unhappy (yes, I was unhappy at 5th grade)… writing was always the #1 outlet. The thing that would never turn its back on me no matter what type of shit I said to it. It was always there to listen, without judging. It sounds fucking stupid. But whatever. I think only people who like writing would understand.

In other news, turns out my mom’s growth on her kidney is not cancer, so that’s good. It’s muscle tissue! HOORAH!!! Too bad I already bought my plane ticket home. Oh, well.

And now for some lyrics. I saw Jimmy Eat World like… four? months ago? Or less, maybe, even? And this was one of the songs that played. I closed my eyes and lost myself in it… which is something I also haven’t done for years… I think since the second to last The Juliana Theory concert I saw. Something about this song… the lyrics, the sounds… just rubs me the right way. No matter what mood I’m in, I can listen to it. It’s like my relationship with Brand New’s Deja Entendu album, but this is a one off. It epitomizes the perfect musical emotion. It’s hard to explain.

I felt for sure last night
That once we said goodbye
No one else will know these lonely dreams
No one else will know that part of me
I’m still driving away
And I’m sorry every day
I won’t always love these selfish things
I won’t always live…
Not stopping…

It was my turn to decide
I knew this was our time
No one else will have me like you do
No one else will have me, only you

You’ll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I’m here I’m now I’m ready
Holding on tight
Don’t give away the end
The one thing that stays mine

Amazing still it seems
I’ll be 23
I won’t always love what I’ll never have
I won’t always live in my regrets

You’ll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I’m here I’m now I’m ready
Holding on tight
Don’t give away the end
The one thing that stays mine

You’ll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I’m here I’m now I’m ready
Holding on tight
Don’t give away the end
The one thing that stays mine…

* JIMMY EAT WORLD - 23 *

Bah, relationships. Usually when I’m feeling bad, temporarily bad, I write a lot. But in this current case, words come to me, but not words about every day. If that makes sense.

Writing journals recalling the day seems tough. Writing journals about conjecture about writing about journals (such as this) seem fine……………… they require no brain. They’re like listening to music. They’re second nature. They’re unfiltered thoughts. They’re simple.

But everyday life is not so simple. ~__~ There is a want but no solution………… I don’t want a relationship but the comfort, the companionship… it’s just so weird without it. I feel like I’m stuck in a rut. Hell, it hasn’t been very long at all, though. I just haven’t done anything the past few days. :/ And I feel alone.

Somehow, it just dawned on me that I am thoroughly unhappy at the moment. Since the break-up, I’ve been occupying myself with… things… and it hasn’t seemed all that bad. Particularly in the daytime. But it is pretty godamn bad! And I feel bad. ~__~ The first sign would be my sudden heavy reliance on music, which generally goes hand in hand with my WORST moods. And then there is the amount of time spent in front of the computer, doing pretty much absolutely nothing at all but anything possible to just waste a little bit of time (this entry right here would fall under that distinction). Blah. And then I’m thinking, “Oh goody, I’ll be gone for a month, and I’ll get over all this…” but then it feels like I’m just running away, and like it’s a cowardly way out, and like I’m not really solving anything at all. And that feeling, coupled with so many unknowns about money, and jobs, and futures… just makes things feel so, so blah. And despite all the company, I feel alone. Yet at the same time, I kind of WANT to be alone, to sulk. Waddahell. It is completely draining. And this sleep at 4AM, wake up at 2PM schedule is NO GOOD!!!

Hojo apparently knows some guy who not only cuts hair, but develops a haircut for you after taking you out for a drink and talking to you for a couple of hours.

Hojo is going to get his hair cut by said dude soon. For like $40.

If it goes well, I too plan to get my hair cut by said man. Cause that just sounds fucking awesome, doesn’t it?????????????

Hmm. So since I’m taking off again in a week and have been gone for a month, I’ve been meeting up with people and hanging out more than I usually do. It just dawned on me that my relationships with some humans are quite interesting. I don’t have that many friends that I see that often, but when I see the ones I don’t see that often, it essentially feels the same and conversations are deep. It’s almost as though the time apart gives much opportunity for skipping past the bullshit and skipping past the silence. No necessity for small talk, just deep talk. I don’t know. It’s interesting. Maybe all people are like that. I don’t know? It just seems like I have a lot of relationships like that… where people will do me favors or we seem to have a close relationship for whatever the hell reason, even though I don’t necessarily talk to them all that much.

I also discovered today that I haven’t really spoken English in so long that expressing myself in verbal form has become slightly difficult. Haha.

WOW! They ain’t kidding. Spiderman 3 really does SUCK. How do they always manage to so royally screw up the last one so bad?!! It’s unreal. It’s like they know it’s the last one and they just want to go all out retarded… WTF. Anyway. More substantial posts to come later. Perhaps.

It is quite very difficult spending three + years of your life with someone, sharing your life with him, and no longer having it in that capacity with him. It’s terrifying in many ways. It feels as though you could never move on without him… as though you’ve lost a part of yourself… even though you obviously can move on and obviously will, as people always do. But three years in a relationship you at times enjoy and at times loathe will bring sentiments of nostalgia no matter what, and sadness is completely unavoidable. It’s easy to supress during the daytime, when conversation, sunlight, and the presences of other human beings abound. But late at night, when alone and left only to musical devices, breakups are a whole different world to cope with.

When it was your first taste at love, your first real opening up to another human being… it makes the breakup that much more difficult. In this case, though, it’d become perfectly clear that friendship will be the best route for both parties involved, and that both will move on to better significant others more suitable for themselves.

And while missing the little things is easy… the tender feel of skin, the cherished morning wakeup routine, and the crude inappropriate jokes… when it comes down to it, one can obsess over the beauty in details forever. But if a relationship’s not the best route, one has to let go. For the best of both parties. And hopefully at one moment it will click, and they will both be able to move without incident… with friendship in their hearts and memories of the good times as a reminder of potentially better moments in the future.

But easy as it is to string together philosophical meanderings, coping in reality is not that easy, and time will be the greatest friend and enemy.

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