inside the wonderful world of vee

lenny was wearing a backpack today and waiting to cross the street and a school bus stopped for him. it slowed down and put up its stop sign and everything. HAHAHAHA. but you know what makes it even better?

IT WAS FULL OF ELEMENTARY SCHOOL STUDENTS. HAHAHAHA.

xinlei is up here. not much time to write these days because i’m busy between entertaining her, trying to sleep, and working full-time starting this week. kill me now. i just drank a bunch of black tea ahaahaaa but hope to sleep soon.

notes to self…
canada, victoria, star wars, ferry stuck, shabusen, yelling mom, no reservations, bad luck, victorian hotel, samesun, beaver drink, hookah (sheesha), backpackers, “chalk”, karaoke @ bush gardens, lo_fi art show, sleepy, oh so sleepy. ringolos, biking in stanley park, expensive.

listening to… “machine head” by bush.

whoa i never knew conor oberst (bright eyes) was a stud. well, not really a stud… more like cute.

yesterday alex and i went to watch “stardust.” it was like, good. surprisingly. going to pacific place after hours makes me want to have an “after hours photo shoot” — and i will have one! by god, i will! and it’ll involve me jumping behind the counter of johnny rocket’s, holding up a mustard bottle, and taking a photo of it. it’ll involve me jumping behind the movie theatre concessions counter, holding up a scoop of old ass popcorn, and taking a photo of it. it’ll be fucking great. you just wait and see.

anyway. tomorrow is pick up xinlei and go to vancouver time, w00t w00t, good times other than the you know, whole lack of money thing, but you know, whatever…

let’s see, what else has been happening………… oh, so i bought some bed sheets the other day and used them without washing them. i don’t honestly know if this is the cause of all of my pain, but i think it is… ever since i started using those bed sheets (along with these like, old blanket covers which i haven’t washed in forever) i’ve been getting bug bites all over. i mean, literally like 5 a night. i keep discovering them by the fucking second. it’s ridiculous. it’s like i have fleas or something. ahhh infestation in my brain.

i have this amazing book for a photography book involving bands. i hope i can fucking pull it off cause it’s going to be a hell load of work. hell load, whatever that is. blargh.

we’ve been featuring too many major bands in redefine lately because that seems like the only things people are interested in. which is bad fucking news bears. must fix that shit. it just so happens that all these good bands are popping up in our radar and they are all from the stupid big companies. BLARGH. like, i check my mail and half of the shit is from warner bros or their subsidiaries. it’s like shit bro leave me alone, and shit. but don’t really, because i like these free tickets. i don’t however, like your free cds which cannot play on my computer. bish.

man, it’s been forever since i’ve been to a dnb show. freak night is coming up soon, though, hmmm…

i am in a mentl rut of epic proportions.
xinlei could not be coming at a better time.

blargh. blargh. blargh. bloooorgle.

seriously though, i’m having a quite difficult time figuring out how to fix it all.

maybe i need to eat some ice cream.

jorge is talking about coffee, and that sounds good too.

there’s actually a crapload of junk that i would like to update but i don’t really have the willpower for it lately. there’s just soOoOooooOooOOooOOooOOOooOO much to do. i’m not even joking around. +__+ i just want to kind of curl up into a ball and die YAY DEATH BALL.

anyway, i had a reason for writing this… what was it again?! oh yeah.

i think so far i’ve done pretty well at straying away from the whole, hello, i am asian girl, i can do nothing but become whatever my parents want me to be, but as i was discussing with jeanette the other day, no matter what, with every decision i make, there is this nagging feeling of incredible dread that something will result in my being bitched out by my parents. not my parents, so much, actually, but more like my mom. my dad doesn’t give a flying fuck anymore… at least not so much. he just wants us to be happy. mom… is another story.

the other day my mom was like, “you better not bring home a hippie as a boyfriend.” along with shit like, “marry someone rich.” or “marry chinese.” like i give a fuck about any of those things. like jesus christ. i feel like an eternal kid. i find it to be extremely selfish to say that kind of shit to your kid. maybe, like, find someone that treats you right is good. maybe. but why does everything have to be so negative lol. as if it’s not enough pressure to begin with to even find someone who you are completely happy with. now i have to worry about what she thinks too? no thanks. like, i’m sorry if you’re racist and care too much about money, but i’m not. and i know money was hard growing up and all, but really, i don’t find money to be that hard to come by. i don’t spend money so therefore money is easy to save up. i don’t need to marry rich. i just need to marry someone who will make me happy. that’s it.

fucking asian parents man. like jeanette was saying… they honestly have no idea as to the degree of negative effect they have on their kids. everyone ranks asian kids as all “successful” but it’s interesting because a lot of them might be rather successful in studying but just suck at life other than that. because they’ve lived their whole lives for other people.

in december i will be going to munich with sherry because her parents are there, and you know, free housing and shit. i want to have a layover in amsterdam for like, 7 hours or something, so that i can explore the city by myself a little. i’ve never been to a foreign country by myself. frankly, i’ve never been allowed to. wish i had studied abroad, but it’s a little too late for that (unless i go get my TEFL in peru… ah, a girl can dream… and possibly do in the near future). and i mean, if i’m going to have a layover anyway, might as well make it an interesting one. the amsterdam red light district is only 15-30 minutes away, and is well worth it since i’d have a 9 hour layover with probably about 6 hours of exploration time. this is something really simple. go to amsterdam during the daytime. explore by yourself. shouldn’t be a fucking big deal. but it would be a big deal. and i can’t even say something this simple to these parents. i’d never hear an end to the bitching. i’m a girl. i’m too young. i’m a girl. i’m a girl? i’m a girl. etc. etc. and that’s just not cool.

life decisions are hard enough but these days, as i’m wondering and double-guessing what i want to do with the rest of my life, having to put up with so many other people’s emotions is freaking unbearable. i would be content to live my life working part-time, and doing freelance or contract work on the side, and honestly, although living like that can be erratic, i’ve never been short of money doing that. in fact, i’ve had major amounts of money saved up from those jobs which have allowed me to fund my magazine and all that, which is no cheap enterprise. yet if i do that, i never hear the end of it. even working 32 hours rather than 40, i never hear the end of the bitching. it’s so exhausting. i’m tired of pleasing other people. i ignore a lot of it. i just say yeah, whatever. but in the back of my head, things really do effect the way you think. you begin to wonder, maybe i should do this. maybe other people are right. maybe, maybe… i’m the only one doing this… why am i the only one doing this? well, the answer is, everyone else wished they could only work contract or freelance but they can’t… and that’s why they don’t. that’s the nitty gritty truth of it all. so why do i feel so bad for doing these things?

and it would be so simple to write off these unfounded opinions, but you know, obligation, they’ve done so much for you, blahblahblah, makes it difficult. so instead, i’m trapped in this eternal battle between what i want to to do and what i’m told i want to do. and here i am, trying to please both sides. and really, that doesn’t work. instead, these days, i think i’m the one who is thoroughly unpleased. and i mean thoroughly. THOROUGHLY.

i’m at pochi’s and some japanese exchange students are staying with a family.

i also waited in line at the department of licensing for an hour and a half today but uhhhhhhhhhh. turns out that’s not where you go to renew your tabs :L what a waste of time. i did get to eavesdrop on a lot of conversations, though, and am yet again convinced that people who drive suvs are assholes. there were like 2 dudes there who drove suvs and were driving on suspended licenses. lol? one of them got his car impounded. narb.

damn, i need to start carrying around a notebook like i said i would cause there was something else funny that i don’t remember, but i thought at the time: damn, i need to write this down!!!!!

here’s something else funny: my coworker, summer, is quite literally from compton. rofls. who is actually from compton!! she is a first!

i received a bunch of hip-hop cds in the mail today. one of them was a lil jon album HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA.

listening to… sechskies’ first and 3.5 albums. i don’t know why koreans have 3.5 or 2.5 albums — what the hell does that even mean? cause they’re like, full-lengths… not even lke eps. i don’t get it.

i’ve got a lot to say and the desire to say it, but not the will or patience to say it. and by say it, i mean write it. sigh. i don’t know.

i officially live in greenwood now. it’s a little lonely. it’s strange to go from living with someone every day, night in night out, and having someone to come home to… and then coming home to nothing and not having something to look forward to. and having the feeling that you’re the only one who cares about that. it’s very strange also, moving out from somewhere where you’ve shared so much stuff. so much stuff had to be thrown out because we’re not sharing it anymore or are moving into places that already have those things… it was really quite depressing, actually.

when i had made this decision it had seemed like a good idea, although this first week it does not seem like such a good idea. although it does at times as well. it’s all been a bit hard for me. but it seems it’s ONLY hard for me. i’m kind of lost, looking for some sort of communication breakdown. but it’s so very confusing… and hard…

yesterday lenny and i went to the petco and cold stone’s. as we were walking there, one of the crossing signals changed, so i said we should cross and lenny wanted to wait… even though in the time we were waiting we could have already crossed the street and saved ourselves some time. i was a little annoyed because it made no sense but it wasn’t a big deal. on the way back, he wanted to cross the parking lot so that we could be on the other side of the street to ’save time’ so i pointed out that he had not wanted to save time when i suggested it earlier even though it was essentially the same thing. i was just like, joking, and pointing it out initially but then he began to make a big deal out of it… and as i was explaining what had happened earlier, he suddenly was like, “no! no! don’t talk about right now… talk about before!” and i was like… “i was talking about before right now”… and that confused him cause it was an awkwardly worded sentence and i tried to place the pauses like… “i was talking about before… right now” and he just didn’t get it and as i was trying to explain it, he was like, “shutup! listen!” and then i explained it again, with the pauses, and he was like “ohhh…” and then seemed very unsure of himself after. but it was just the rudest thing he has ever done and he literally screamed it. i asked for an apology later before we were going to bed and he gave one but it was half-assed. it was like, “sorry…” immediately followed by, “you always raise your voice.” maybe i do, but not in this case. i had dulely noted that he had raised his voice first and then after that i made a split-second conscious decision to raise my voice because he had raised it so suddenly. and suddenly i felt the need to compete or something to get my point across. my point which wasn’t even serious to begin with until it was being contested… i asked him afterwards and evidently he WAS sorry and felt bad… just not good at conveying it i suppose.

i just wonder where i am on the totem pole. because it feels like i am very low on it. it’s mostly just frustrating because i am a very apathetic person, yet i feel like i have been very far from apathetic when it comes to this relationship. in fact, it feels like i’m always thinking of him or trying to. it’s frustrating that the one thing i’ve tried to put effort into returns so little effort. but this is always the case, i guess. it’s always the people who you want to care the most who care the least.

when i was growing up i was very non-apathetic about people and actually invested a lot of energy into them. i don’t know why, though, but somewhere along the way i just stopped caring. but occasionally bouts of my old self would resurface and i would spend time on people… and try to be non-apathetic the best i could. first few years of college i would write down everyone’s birthday dates and try to make a present or draw a card for them or SOMETHING. one chrstmas i spent hours and hours and hours, and lord knows how many days making everyone a card and a clay present… but i found that most of my efforts were largely in vain, with a few exceptions. but really, the unreceptiveness of people only bolsters the apathy… but it seems like the people who you want to care the most care the least. did i already say this? [sidenote: yeah, hell yeah i did… oOps]

last year i spent some time crafting a christmas present for my parents which was some mini-painting i painted on a piece of wood. honestly, it was one of the few things i have done that i actually liked, and it was good wood! GOOD WOOD DAMMIT. i gave it to my parents and they literally… quite literally… laughed in my face. it was fucking awesome. and by fucking awesome i mean sucked ass and made me feel like shit. then my mom suggested i give it to my godmother because i needed to give her a present. it was seriously a fucking emotionally scarring moment lol. i don’t think i will forget it.

it’s these types of things that just make you want to not care. fuck people. i mean, it’s a self-centered thought in a way i suppose but………… what can you do… .. .

certainly i’m not that bad. why do i feel like i am…

ah, people… they are inexplicable. who can understand them.