inside the wonderful world of vee

december 23rd — first day.
i headed from seattle to las vegas to meet up with my family. got there and went to bellagio hotel to eat a meal with my brother and his girlfriend roxanne while my parents went to this meeting that tried to sell them a timeshare — cause that’s how we got the room in the first place. let me tell you that vegas is a shithole. i am not at all a fan of the place.bellagio cafe meal was subpar and unexciting. i was not impressed. it was expensive, too. afterwards, lord knows what we did, since it was all a blur of walking around on the strip not accomplishing much.

that night we went to go see “mamma mia!” at one of the hotels. it was good. abba. upbeat. very many sexual references. it was goot. not much else to say.

vegas is such a shithole, as i will say again. nothing much to do there but spend money. deja vu. hmm. anyway, its routine goes something like this: gamble, spend money, shop, spend money, rent expensive hotel, spend money, watch shows, spend money, eat expensive and gross meals, spend money, plane tickets, spend money. that sounds about right. the only thing that is kind of worth it is the shows, but even those felt not so exciting this time…

it must be the nature of family vacations that sucks all the joy out of vacationing.
december 24th — second day.
we woke up around noonish and drove half an hour to outlets. spent two hours there. i bought some underpants cause they were cheap and cheap boyshorts are kinda hard to find. also got a skinny tie for lenny (totally cheapo), a pair of crappy nikes so that i can walk around (but they’re so fscking ugly), dippin dots (banana of course), and a t-shirt (which is totally a homage to shrooms!!).

soo… then we left and drove back and waited in line for buffet, but halfway through that line, dad decides he doesn’t want to wait. we’d waited an hour. probably another hour to go. so we leave and go to another restaurant and wait for a half hour, and that line doesn’t move at ALL. so we leave and then go to cafe bellagio (which we went to the previous day), and the line moves faster, except by the time we finished waiting there we’d probably have been in the buffet already. so i was pissed. especially since cafe bellagio or bellagio cafe or whatever the fuck is expensive and NOT GOOD. i got this alaskan salmon burger and it was sick. blahblah.

went to m&m store after that and gameworks a bit to kill time. i pwnz0red in tekken 5. wewt.

then we went back to bellagio to watch “o”. it was good. but not as good as “varekai” which lenny and i saw last year. “o”’s primary thing is that it revolves around water, but there wasn’t really a discernable storyline, and on top of that, the acrobatics were poorer and many times were off sync. the music and costumes were worse too. they also dragged “staged” audience members on stage, which made the whole event livelier, but also cheapened the overall feeling. as with “varekai,” they had clowns do intermissions, but these clowns were not funny. AT ALL. it was pathetic. varekai was sOoOoo much better. i really don’t understand at all why “o” is so famous. on the flipside, though, the stage for “o” was really really fscking cool, but in all honesty, that was all it really had going for it.

after that we went to circus circus for a bit and gambled minimally (slot machines). gambling is lame. money goes away so fast. whatever.

when we got back, i gave parentals my present to them. i painted them some abstract concoction on a wooden block. granted, i’m not the best painter, but if your kid makes something — or if anyone makes something for you — you should appreciate it. at least a little. last year i made the a collage of family photographs and they feigned interest, but i came back a year later and it was just sitting in its frame on the floor, collecting dust. no time to display it — not even to put it on a bookshelf or something. this is the shit my family is like. i am such a black sheep.

but anyway, this year, i handed them their present and i jokingly said, “here’s my crappy present,” and my dad was like (also jokingly i think), “what kind of crappy thing did you make us now?” and i just kind of nudged it forward. they picked it up, brought it in their room, and didn’t say a fucking thing. i told them they sucked. they didn’t seem to notice and/or care.

moving on, though… cause it gets worse.

december 25th — day three.
the day to head back. airport, airport, airport. not much else. after coming back from the airport, we went to fremont to eat at ophelia. beef stew noodles. good, decent, whatever. here’s where it gets bad. conversation:

assholes. seriously, i have no real qualms about saying, “worst parents ever,” cause that’s so fucking fucked up. what the fuck is wrong with us.

the one funny thing about this trip is that my mom would not fucking stop bitching about fucking EVERYTHING. and my dad kept saying in this weird accent and making sure to only use english: “yes, commander!” and “thank you!” dad can be pretty funny. blahr. SO MUCH BITCHING FROM MOM. that must be where i get it from. fucking suck.

KILL ME NOW.

listening to — “soul train” on tv hahahah.

1:35 am — let me tell you, dudes and dudettes… there is nothing like old school “soul train”. the shit fucking rocks your pants off. reminds me of the times when i used to go to sleep listening to javier the xman on wild 94.9 haha. man, he was awesome. but then he left. to go to los angeles because of some internal crap. and i was sad. i even wrote him an e-mail saying, “sorry to see you go, your show is the best, blahblahblah”… it was a show that played nothing but slow jamz and my gawt it was awesome. so i stopped listening to 94.9 as much, and eventually javier came back, so i should start listening to it again

but now the doghouse has left as well… so old 94.9 just isn’t so good anymore

so yeah i haven’t made much tangible art stuff lately, but yesterday i went to the downtown seattle art walk (first thursday of every month, all the galleries are open for perusal), and it was umm, inspiring? in a way? i guess? this has always been my theory — that artists just need to be confident in themselves. lots of artists do things that i could do, but i would never think of pawning it off as art, would never think it is good enough for people to own or to love. and i guess that’s the major difference — that those people really believe in their own work. so i’m thinking… i could probably do that. i really wish i had gone to art school, but it’s a little too late for that now (is it?)

instead, i’ve been trying to reclaim whatever minimal art skill i have (at least in the fine arts) and trying to make physical manifestations of things. we’ll see how that goes. i actually drew something today that i like, but i kind of screwed it up when i was trying to overlay it with paper (hard to explain). but now i guess i will just transfer it and make it smaller and paint it…? lenny bought a pack of 3 canvasses — one for me, one for him, and one for andy [crossett], so that we can each paint a painting for our apartment. we’ll see when that happens.

saw death cab for cutie tonight @ key arena. it really wasn’t that exciting, to be honest. they’re not very good live. i think i will be forever satisfied with having seen them once. the decemberists, on the other hand, were about 10,000 times better. i’m pretty sure guns n’ roses, who i’m seeing tomorrow, will also be a ton better. also playing with death cab tonight was jenny lewis & the watson twins (the watson twins were sOoOo lame) and ted leo and the pharmacists, but unfortunately i missed them. sadddddfaceeee.

saw mel gibson’s movie, “apocalypto”, yesterday. it was entertaining. i wouldn’t say good, and his action fighting sequences were fucking terrible as hell (terrible camerawork), but the movie itself was entertaining because it was… funny. people say it’s gory, but the way people died was just funny — kind of like how people died in “a history of violence” — bad in real life, funny in the movies. perhaps that is a terrible thing. but unfortunately, i still find it funny.

couple days ago i put together a 1 hour showcase for some people from new york who were “trend finders”, and they had this lady named susan, who was convinced that seattle was a new hotspot. so i had to find two bands for her, and have them each play a half hour or so, and then do a q&a afterwards. it went well. had john [gillanders]’ band play and this other guy’s band, who i got off craig’s list. they’re called the GIANT KILLER ROBOTS! the guy helped me find a venue too, which was very nice. $250 pay for it. wewt.

i remember random strangers used to always find my journal through search engines. wonder if they still do.

listening to — this show on ABC.

i’m watching this show on ABC and they put people in this weird ass situations like if you’re in a restaurant and there’s loud ass people… or if u get into a cab and the cab driver starts being all homophobic what you would do. lenny and andy [crossett] are adamant in saying they dont know what they would do. but i dont have any doubt what i would do in either of those situations and i guess i am curious as to why other people dont know. is it cause they dont know themselves? or do they really think fate is that much bigger than they are? or is it something else?

in the case of the homophobia, i’d say something in a fucking second. in the case of loud people, i really don’t give a damn. had it happen before, and it’s all gravy. makes for interesting eavesdropping material, anyway. i love to eavesdrop.

listening to — head automatica, something corporate.

i never get to write anymore. it kind of fucking sucks. the justification is kind of like this: i feel like i’m better (or have more potential) at graphics, and therefore i expend more energy towards that. writing… it just seems like the words i write and the things i think are just recycled unless i am writing a journal entry. but when i’m writing an article or something of that sort… it’s always the same words, the same format, the same lack of inspiration. therefore, i haven’t spent much time on writing. there just isn’t much to say that hasn’t been said, i guess? and with all of the things on the graphics front and the life front that i need to spend time learning, why bother, it seems… but i find that when i don’t write, things feel pretty off. it’s probably the only way that i can truly express myself, whether people read it or not. but i don’t feel comfortable writing in a journal when other people are around, so i just don’t write in it as much anymore. there are a lot more distractions these days — a lot more things to keep me from really sitting down and just writing down each day. it kind of feels just pointless. i don’t know why, though… why wasn’t it pointless before and why is it pointless now? certainly not THAT much has changed, has it?

perhaps it has…

i’ve seen the new darren aronofsky movie, “the fountain,” a couple times in the past month. it’s amazing… to me, anyway. amazing that he can craft such a movie, although there are a lot of haters. ebert and roeper (fuck those bitches) said it was “one of the worst movies of the year,” which, even if you fucking hate the premise, could not be true if you look at just the visuals and the music… the music is amazing. the visuals are unique. maybe some people think the story is a load of bullshit, but whatever. but definitely a lot of people seem to not like it… because afterwards outside of theatres you see people talking about how much they hated it. but mostly i think it’s because they don’t understand it. but who knows.

i’ve also gotten back into music, somewhat. for a while i was definitely burnt out on music — so burnt out that i didn’t really want to listen to it at all. it just all seemed — once again — so fucking pointless. why was i expending this energy to write about bands who barely even care? why do i even care? what the fuck am i getting out of all this?

but i guess lately i have been getting back to basics and trying to re-find myself? could it be? i forget what song it was, but a song came on in a movie or something… i vaguely think it was the decemberists, but i don’t think it was. but either way… the feeling it gave me was a really comforting one… and it just made me think how long it has been since music has given me a feeling like that. for the half a year before the past month or two, i’ve just been robotically listening to music for the most part, with little care or concern of growth. but whatever that song was that came on… reminded me of how much i used to like music. i used to be one of those people that would turn on music the first second i got home — the first second i stepped into a room. that’s the kind of passion for music that got me into creating a magazine in the first place. i don’t know what made me lose that. i’m trying to find out.

but anyway. i’ve been going to a lot of concerts and drum n’ bass shows (well, not a LOT of drum n’ bass shows, but compared to my uh, 1 in the past two years before that, 2 in 2 months is definitely a lot). dieselboy is coming up as well on december 12th. sucks cause all of the concerts i want to go to are at these big ass fucking venues. so it costs a lot of money. but whatever in the fucking hell. it’s okay.

i got a new job at the snowboard connection, helping them do web marketing stuff. i’ll keep my comments minimal for now, but they are definitely pretty um, disorganized. i think i can add a lot of potential growth to their web status, but that all depends, i think…

i’ve also been working at volt doing game testing a bit and they owe me a fuckload of money. i switched my address and i haven’t really gotten anything mailed to me since. they owe me literally four paychecks (personally, i think it’s 5, although they claim otherwise). so… fuck. i also am owed a fuck load of money by lenny and through a bunch of other facets, so… godamnit.

going to las vegas this christmas with my family. that should be interesting. get to watch cirque du soleil’s “o,” so i’m happy about that. asides from that, though, i’m not so sure i really care for vegas. but we’ll see. maybe i’ll become a gambling monster, since i’ve only gambled once and it was really fun (only cause i won $20, though, i think).

blah blah blah.

finishing up a glossy sample issue for potential distributors of redefine. going to send it to the printer tomorrow after lagging for-fucking-ever. i’m really kind of disappointed with myself. but there are only so many hours in a day…

i’ve also been taking a bunch of classes — and by a bunch, i mean two — illustrator and flash classes at seattle central community college. so far, so good. i think they’re definitely helping. the LITTLE knowledge i have gained in both (i am 5 weeks behind in the illustrator class because it’s an online class, and i have only taken 2 classes of the flash class so far) has already been useful. so i can only imagine… it will all be very useful. i want to go back to school, or just take time away from work to study up. funny how before i got a job again i didn’t care to study up on those things. it barely even crossed my mind. but now it just feels so very necessary. teaching yourself is definitely limiting… so i know i have to learn more. i think right now i just know enough to get by. certainly not enough to make a difference. and that’s what i want.

i’ve also come to learn that although people say that women are the chuumps, men are definitely the chumps. it is evident in posa’s relationship with linh, in andy [crossett]’s relationship with vanessa, and in my brother’s relationship with roxanne. there are others as well. so therefore, my theory is flawless.

in other news, the time after college is definitely a strange one. everyone strays. i guess it’s only inevitable that people will continue to stray even more.

i went home a couple weeks ago and went to a lesbian bar with xinlei and her friends. it felt just like a normal bar, really. i had a couple drinks — completely paid for, which was nice… although weird cause i’d never met those people — and drove him kind of drunk. no more doing that. yet another reason not to drink, kids…

last month or so i started playing hardcore diablo 2 with lenny, lewis, alex [bennett], eddie [kang], and the like. it was actually addictively fun… i died a bunch of times and kept remaking, but finally i got a pretty dope crossbow (arbalest) on my assassin (i was an assassin every time… and damn, they are fun to play — i dunno why no one plays them) which kept me alive for a long time since assassin claws themselves suck ass. but yeah unfortunately, i decided to play when i knew i shouldn’t have in a level i had done like 20 times without a fucking problem, and then i died, and i was really godamn sad. and that is probably the most disappointed i’ve ever been in a game. and i refuse to reroll. everyone says that i’ll go back, but i definitely won’t. not for a year or so at least but lenny and i started playing diablo 1 lol and shit the butcher is hella hard. don’t remember him being that hard. but we haven’t played in a while — but it’ll come back soon!

lenny’s mom also got this really cute puppy who’s named taylor. lenny was saying she should name him clark since they have another dog named lewis. she was like, “HAHAHA, lewis and clark! wait, i don’t get it.” lawl, it was funny. she also scared me the other day because i was eating her cooking and she was like, “do you know how to cook that?” and i was like, “no,” and she was like, “don’t be so mean to me!” and i was like, “wtf?” (in my head, of course). and she was like, “don’t be so mean to me! treat me like your mom! if you want to learn how to cook something, tell me. lenny doesn’t love me, posa doesn’t love me, etc.” it was too much -___- that’s one main problem in my book to be honest. i was talking about this to jeanette when i went back a couple weeks ago. i don’t want another fucking asian parent. i already have two and they are ALREADY too much. i want a white family. damnit. or a really fucking cool asian one. but we all know how godamn rare that is. -___-

i really need to back up my journal forum thing. what if it explodes one day? then i’ll be really fucking sad. i need to do that… quick. so much to do, though… so little godamn time.

oh yeah, something i kind of forgot about… “the fountain” made me really kind of depressed. as is this book i’m reading, “paint it black,” by the lady who wrote “white oleander.” man… sigh. i’m such a closet romantic, and i worry that my romantic ideal fails to be matched…

the day i came back from california last week, it was snowing like a fucking bitch. oh and get this. i missed my flight on the way home, so i had to drive back by myself. i parked 3 nights, 9 hours at the airport parking. FUCKING $88!! GODAMNIT FUCKING SHIT MONKEYS ASSHOLES. that’s so much godamn money. it’s not even funny.

anyway, i’m going to TRY to start writing in here more often, but i’m not sure that will happen, especially seeing as to how this entry took me a half hour to write. but it’s pretty long, i guess. it sucks that i had to ban xanga. i’m scared to look at it, but there definitely is stuff on it that i’d like to back up or look at sometime. but maybe not for a while. hopefully xanga doesn’t explode anytime soon.

i need to finish downloading the brand new album from trask, not that i’ve even listened to the songs i do have yet.

btw swimming is good for you too. btw i should probably get a physical. btw i think i should get a mammogram as well. things seem to like to… grow on me.

maybe it’s time to quit. it’s 1:08 am.

btw. on a side note. people are truly fucked up.

btw. on a side note. i need toilet paper.

btw. on a side note. here’s a conversation with tony that just so happens to be below this journal entry i’m writing in notepad, so why not put it? it relates to toilet paper, after all.

what a sick ass, am i right?

btw. i really need to go snowboarding. especially since i didn’t go AT ALL last year. i hope josh [hwang] will go with me a bunch after he comes back from the military for xmas. he keeps telling me how he’s going to ‘rape me’ though. i think i’m scared.

and on that note, it’s sleepy time.

hopefully i don’t have a dream about my teeth falling out tonight. i’ve had three of those in the past, like, two weeks. they’re really fucking realistic feeling. i wake up thinking my teeth really are starting to fall out irl, and let me tell you, IT’S FUCKING FUCKING SCARY. the dream interpreters claim that means that you’ll be overflowing with wealth soon, but i’m not sure that’s proper. i hope it is, though. money would be nice right now.
(xinlei’s response:)
weird that you posted this yesterday and i decided to randomly check your page for the first time in like a year. we are on the same wavelength lady. anyway i think people don’t know what they would do because not everybody is as outspoken as you (or wouldn’t be in certain odd/uncomfortably situations). and that is why you are the bombdiggity lady.