inside the wonderful world of vee

the redefine event was on april 28th, 2006 at the paradox. almost 500 people showed up, and it was indeed the paradox’s biggest show. fuckups: i did not ask for a cut of the money, because i did not think there would be that much money to cut up. indeed, i don’t believe anyone knew. that being said… it was a huge show, and helio sequence kicked ass. silversun pickups were ok, but from what i hear, the crystal skulls sucked. they have their fans, however, and i do believe their fans liked them much :0 interviewed the helio sequence prior to their set (during the crystal skull’s set), and they were awesome. brandon summers (lead singer and guitarist) totally absolutely reminded me of josh [wu], and his mannerisms were sooo like josh’s… it was weird. he’s like, majorly sexy too T_T the whole time i was like :0 they were both very friendly, him and benjamin weikel, and it was a fairly good interview. rosemary accompanied me on a whim, and yeaaahhh. and ummm… yeah. the paradox is a church, so the backstage is in a church area. like, in sunday school classrooms. lol there were a couple of photos we took of them sitting in front of a play kitchen and there was a giant wooden cross that benjamin started putting on his shoulders, but we didn’t take a photo of that lol… silly rosemary, she wanted to take photos with my ghetto ass camera phone. unfortunately, i didn’t know miko was there at the time, or she could have taken some actually good pictures. fsccccccck!!! anyways, it was the guys’ first time playing an all-ages show in seattle, and i have to say it turned out fairly well. fuck the pretention and the bitches who won’t go to all-ages shows. seriously, god. indie rock snobs in seattle are out of control.

8:12 pm
just about now
sleeping all day seems okay
i’m invisible,
words i say just fade away.
are my intentions so bad?
so vile, so base –
that offense is always taken
but i can’t take the offense
and i’m not the only one
with the occasional shitty word to say,
but i’m always making apologies,
feeling bad for this and that
when who else is thinking twice –
thinking twice about this brat?
for they won’t even adress me by my name –
it’s the fairy tale gone haywire,
the hero getting slain.

left behind, unadvancing
feelings of inferiority slowly clamping
down on one leg to cripple
an already stunted organism.
bleeding from the pores,
half a limb falling off,
an animal on the defensive,
defensive to the core.

i’m hurt.
and powerless,
with no one saying i’m good.
there’s no saving grace
and no one to say
you’re good,
you’re great,
you’re okay.

it’s been a long time since i’ve written a poem, perhaps because i have been fairly pleased up until now, i suppose? but lately i guess i’ve been feeling invisible. people make me feel bad about things but they’re no better… it’s just that they never saw it to begin with, so they can only cast out blame. my example is with alex [bennett] i suppose, who used to spend a lot of time with his girlfriend before they broke up… much more than i spend with lenny, at that. we’d always wonder where he was, and why he wasn’t back more often. i make a conscious effort to spend time at home, because i feel bad not being at home every so often to hang out, and whatever. but how can he say that i never spend time at home and make me feel bad about it? and then now that him and andy [crossett] are uber buddy buddy, i always feel left out. it’ll be the three of us and alex will address andy by his name, saying, “hey andy, what should we do now?” i’m never even in the mix. we’ll go out to dinner and i’ll be trailing behind while they are buddy buddy. i suppose it is natural that when people spend more time with one another, they become closer. but that is just lame, cause it’s not like i want to sit in his room all day just because andy does. and i just think it’s mean… mean only cause it should be obvious that it is mean. i often take the extra step to trail behind and make a random person who is in the migrating party who is alone feel welcome — on one such occasion, it was alex, i, andy, and andy [zhang], and i trailed behind the whole time trying to make small talk with andy — although i don’t know him well or have much to talk to him about — feel welcome, or at least feel like he had a buddy. andy and alex didn’t even try — just led the way in their la la world with no concern for other people. yet… alex always manages to make me feel bad for “not being home” or whatever. why should i be the only person to feel bad? at least i’m making an effort. it makes me feel really bad, though… i just want to sulk.

people say that groups of three always results in one person being left out, but i don’t believe that is true, cause i know what it was like to be in a group of three where everyone was alright. but why do people place so much guilt on the “guilty” when they are guilty too? it’s just not fair.

man this post used to be a fuck10ad l0nger but i just accidenta11y de1etd m0st 0f it!! SHIT. dumb…

i’m listening to… “like it or not” by madonna (the best track on her new album, if you ask me), her majesty the decemberists by the decemberists.
i’m feeling… alright.somewhere around 3:00 am — starting yesterday, i’ve been making daily lists of shit i need to do. i need some kind of organization system. there’s just too much shit that is too easy to blow off… and when you’re your own boss, motivation is HIGHLY necessary.

anyways. lately lenny and i have been working on our sushimonsters website which is dedicated to sushi… a lot of working on that, actually. that and redefine. you’d think i have a full-time job, only i am broke as shit. in fact — i don’t think i have been this broke in YEARS. seriously. i really am living off paycheck to paycheck… it’s really quite depressing when i think about it. and point is, i’m broke cause i didn’t turn in my time sheet last month, and… yeah. … sad.

went to a job interview last week, and I ACTUALLY GOT CALLED BACK FOR A SECOND INTERVIEW. i have NEVER. i must make a poor impression at interviews, cause people always compliment my portfolio and my resume and stuff, but then… i never get jobs. but i hope this one works out, because it’s for a scrapbooking company — and although i’d never really pay for that shit, shit, i’ll take a potential discount. i LIKE the stuff… it’s just way too expensive for my blood. i haven’t updated my photo album in a long while — something i’ll have to get to doing when i have more time…

i hope i get the job also, though, cause it is 4 days a week in TACOMA (really fucking far…) and the office is in the STICKS. that being said, though, fridays will be worked from home… and that is pimp shit. amongst other things. i need money, being the main one. if i don’t get some money… i really probably am going to stop with redefine. honestly? i don’t give a shit if i work a job and put some money into it. but i need a job. blah. the chance of me surviving off of it… slim to none. but that doesn’t mean i want to stop doing it. particularly if i have the money… money makes the world go round — i’m learning this. but i still want to do what i want to do. no compromises.

i find that i am getting calloused by people… i try to be motivated by good intentions but i mmmmm i don’t know. i suppose things never turn out the way you want them to?

i don’t like the idea of not getting along with people. unfortunate. because in the case i am thinking of, i should not care. in this particular case that comes to mind though… the only one that is my “not getting along with people,” i should say, cause i have never hated anyone else but him… with the exception of ONE other person who i hated because he did some REALLY fucked up shit that i won’t even begin to explain… i didn’t even hate this guy i dated before coming to college who told everyone i had sex with him. whatever. doesn’t even sweat it. but in this case, i hate. but not because i really care. but because i regret. i regret sticking up for him, so many times, when other people said he was a jackass and a terrible person. i regret defending him and saying, hey, give him a chance… he’s really not that bad of a person. i don’t even know HOW many times i took that leap. i said, hey, he’s my friend, chill out, at least don’t talk shit around me, cause he’s my friend. friend my fucking ass. to make it even worse… everyone he is surrounded with, he knew through me. his girlfriend? through me. does it matter to him? i suppose not. maybe he doesn’t even care about the other friendships. i wouldn’t be surprised. but personally, i regret it, although i did meet a few people through him, but for the most part, it is relatively worthless to me. whatever. it’s just uncomfortable when you think you’re being really good to someone and someone returns no such sentiments, i suppose. fuck the sacrifice… i’m getting more and more cynical about people everyday. in the end: i’m glad it’s over, albeit at the risk of the destruction of harmony. but asides from that… it’s alright. just CALLOUSING. i suppose i should consider it a learning process. something along the lines of… hmmm… even if a person is your friend, if the person is an asshole, maybe you should re-think it. note to self: made.

i never really was cynical about people. i have ALWAYS been cynical about THINGS and the outcome of THINGS… but never about people individually. but it’s changing…

today i blew up at lenny a little bit, cause i was annoyed that i had just gotten a ticket and had made a turn when the light was red blahblahblah. was driving down pine or pike or something, and some lady was trying to get in… and lenny was like, did you see her? and i said, yea. but i didn’t FEEL like letting her in. most of the time i do. but i dunno. i didn’t feel like it. and i don’t think that needed an explanation. and my explanation was that i didn’t feel like letting her in. that’s kind of terrible. i didn’t feel like letting her in because i didn’t feel like being nice. i suppose that is something i’ve always done upon feeling bad — withdrawal. it’s natural for most people, but it’s not good. it must be sought out and reprimanded (hahaha).

alright, so onto actual journal stuff, since i never type in this shit anymore… i really should. and i really should back it up too, in case one day it goes kerblunker. cause it’s very possible. yes… note to self. asap.

mmm… i mentioned in the previous post that scm came up one week. didn’t really say much about that then because i didn’t feel like it, so i suppose i will now. there was much videogame playing, and that was the extent of it. brett [pwny] and i did have some good conversation, though. human interactions are so weird. some people it is pretty natural to be comfortable around… and some people it’s difficult no matter what. and some people it’s easy to be around under certain settings, but not under others. i’m not making sense. i don’t know… but uh i guess pwny has a $50,000 modeling program that he managed to download for free? that has nothing to do with anything, but HOLY SHIT MAN.

last week, liz came up from cali to hang out in seattle. mmm. yes. me, her, eva, and lenny went to the woodland park zoo. first time, first time. hmm… it was pretty subpar. a small place, so i suppose it is natural. i did like a couple of things, though: - there was a re-creation of a tribal hut in africa. that was neat… but didn’t really have anything to do with animals. - there were also a bunch of gorillas, and one kept doing somersaults. god, i swear, monkeys are so much like people. there was a “grandma” gorilla who had her tongue out half the time and seriously was just sitting in the corner like a wise sage watching over the other gorillas. WITH A CANE IN HAND. WHAT THE FSCK. seriously kind of freakish how similar they are — gorilla arms are just like human arms. GOD. HOW CAN TRIBAL PEOPLE EAT BUSHMEAT??? that’s all i have to ask. jeezus. - penguins. we were watching them for a LONG ASS TIME (the place was about to close), waiting for them to jump into the water. they kept standing in a line and inching forward (teases) and then they would not jump for like 20 minutes. but then we left to go to the… - nocturnal exhibit. which was pretty fscking cool. man, hedgehogs are SOOOOO CUTE. and bats are cool too — i don’t know why they get all the stigma they get, but they do. didn’t know anteaters were nocturnal, though. good to know. is it? maybe not. but yeah, the nocturnal exhibit was completely dark. and there were these blind cave fish with pure white eyeballs. wewt. damn scary ass blind shit down deep in the unknown!! unfortunately, the place was small, so all of the animals that were there were animals that i pretty much have already seen. but whuteva. bigger zoo next time, hopefully… mmm while liz was still here, i suppose the only other notable thing really was that she (and a little bit of i, but mostly she) beat “mario 3″… that was sweet. on the last day before liz left, she and eva had coffee plans and i tagged along. that was cool. lots of reminiscing. aaah, kind of like being in 1406. i miss it at times. i think i miss it a lot, actually. life was much more… simpler. i suppose. it was just fun times with fun people… party all the time… now i party no times… how lame. life flies by so fast. it’s depressing. but yeah. there was lots of talks of shrooms. for some reason. i suppose cause there were many fond memories of shroomagery… positive or not… but in retrospect, no matter what, it was awesome. but yeah. i miss the late night talks and late night 7-11 trips. so much late night living. thus is the college life… and it is good.

hmmm… yesterday, andy [crossett] and i went to drop off some magazines around greenwood/phinney, and i met up with one of my writers, john [gillanders] at tin hat bar and grill. my writers are so great. but anyway. lots of his friends were there… there was some interesting conversation about band photos. one of the press releases we got from a band called fear of dolls was printed on nice irredescent paper that you might see on a wedding invite. that had a lot of comments. along with their press photo, which was them as babies. i thought it was kind of funny. the album was called lullabies for aborted children. sounds like a fscking winner to me?!!

anyway, we placed the order way early, and the cook ended up putting like… 40,000 slices of bacon on the grill for some reason — before he made our food. the waitress ended up giving us our food for free cause the wait was so long. damn, the lady was so freaking intense. i don’t know how to explain it. she looked like a bitch and talked like a bitch — SORTA — but she was really nice. it’s so strange. not dissing on her… i thought she was cool. but i’ve met few people that intense and nice at the same time is all haha. it was near surreal. got to play some free pinball, cause mondays are free pinball nights. wewt.

today susan [kang] got 15 free meals from winning a raffle, so lenny and i took 2 of the spots. it was at wild fish in belltown. welcome to our first sushi review, wild fish! it was pretty decent food. EXTREMELY CHEAP!! and monica worked there, i guess… so there was a lot of small talk when lenny and i were the only ones left behind, since everyone else literally chowed down their food and ran away or something haha. it was weird O__o

god i want to write about everything for some reason. i’m seriously going to regret this tomorrow. why did i drink black tea before sleeptime? THAT’S what i’m going to regret, actually. GOD.

anyways. after going to wild fish (wewt, free foooood… btw it was sponsored by a financial planning place and they made us fill out some “seminar paperwork” prior to eating, but they didn’t really care about our job, it seemed, and i’m pretty sure they got NOTHING out of us!), lenny and i went around belltown, checked out some other sushi places, and dropped off some magazines. some downtown too. at capitol hill, when we were dropping off mags, i got a ticket. godamnit. after paying for parking ALL DAY i had to get a ticket at the last stop. fucking suck. as if i’m not poor enough. which all leads back to: i hope i get that godamn job.

finishing up reading “wind up bird chronicles” again. i never remember books well when i read them. then i’m going to read a book trask lent me, and then i’m going to read a book of crossett’s. blahblah, the book list seriously never ends. which is excellent. i <3 books. i’m thinking of just starting a random site where i’ll write about books and movies. just for my own humor, i suppose. but it’s harder now to get a big site… i guess i just remember when my old korean music site got really big — cause it was easy then — competition was minimal… nowadays… it’s decidedly harder. i hope we keep that in mind with the sushi thing… it seems so easy, though, which MAY be the problem…

it’s hard being young. no one knows what they’re doing, and everyone thinks money is so easy to come by. money is NOT easy to come by. shitty.

anyway, lenny is moving out of his house, in with posa soon. it is the good and the bad. the good is that he’s moving out. the bad is that it’s into a one bedroom apartment, which means that he will be sleeping in the living room, which means some things lalala. insert: usage of imagination. anyways. lenny really does need to move out, though. his mother is suffocating. i really think she is just very awkward at loving, particularly since she is divorced and all of her family was killed… i don’t think it’s that she is particularly insensitive… perhaps just calloused and feels too sorry for herself? and that does not translate well to lenny, who always does what she asks and didn’t go to wsu like his brothers and instead has to help her with the store, fixing up the house… etc. that’s the sign of a good son. really. yet, she is not satisfied. it’s really, really quite bizarre, and i wonder what goes on in her head. she always tells lewis (their awesome dog which i used to think was kind of ugly but now i think is super cute) that he is the only one she loves more than anyone… never lenny or posa. and she has told me many times how lonely she is and how they will never take care of her or love her. is she asking for a self-fulfilling prophecy? i don’t know. but that’s what’s going to happen if she doesn’t learn to love better… lenny said his brothers said she used to be different, and the change came when she got her tubes tied, cause it has the possibility of changing your personality. so weird. i know she does care about lenny and posa — but i think perhaps she just does not understand how to go about it without being absolutely suffocating. and i feel bad for lenny that he has had to endure such psychosis — but i feel bad for her too… particularly for when lenny moves out; she really WILL be alone. did she bring it upon herself? possibly. many asian parents DON’T understand that you can’t just keep pressuring your kid with nothing else in mind; but at this time, i don’t think considering other people’s opinions over her own really comes to mind. according to lenny, when she gets together with her friends, all she does is shit-talk about them. that’s not right. not for any kid… i’m sure it’s a tough decision. it’s the age-old dilemma, i’m sure, though, for lenny… how far do you consider the feelings of others before deciding that you need to stand up for your own?

random fact of the day: studying for school trains you to fall asleep reading forever. :]

random thought of the day: i thought of this simply because i told lenny this today as we were passing by the construction site of an office building. alex’s dad oversees the building of office buildings. he used to be kind of like a spiritual “hippie” like his mom, but he’s now a businessman. a good one, at that, i presume. but he’s still a hippie or whatever at heart, so once he made it successfully as a businessman, he used his powers a little bit to combine his hippiness with his business-saavy. because he works for a big construction company, he managed to get his company to recycle all of their building parts, even though it’s not that “cheap” of a procedure. but because his company is pretty big, a lot of companies have followed suit with the recycling with their own companies… and all in all, to quote “bruce almighty,” IT’S GOOOOD.”

i’m listening to… prince.
i’m feeling… UGHHH.

2:50 am — i am so annoyed by my friend. i just found out some stuff about him that reallllllllllllly fucking burns me up. i remember he used to always talk about how he wanted to break up with his gf because she wasn’t good enough for him, even though she is a fucking AWESOME person and he doesn’t deserve HER… but he is really terrible to her… unimagineably terrible. it’s like a fucking abusive husband abusing his wife… only verbally… but still. FUCK. he’s like ruining her life and has killed all of her self-esteem so that she thinks she can do no better. she can do SO much better. she’s creative and talented… i’m not so sure what he has to offer her that she sees as useful. wtf. i am really really pissed… i am not as close to him as i used to be, though, so i don’t know if my opinion can exercise a decent amount of power anymore… but i really hope she leaves him. i don’t know what kind of convincing will need to come into play or what will have to happen for THAT to happen, but i really, really, really hope so. it sucks, because with things like this, it is the abused person who has to find the strength to leave, and that can be a tough decision sometimes… especially after you’ve been with a person for years… not only that, but he like touches other girls and stuff when she’s not around… not sex or anything, but what the fuck, man. that and he is a even BIGGER fucking druggie now. i am so going to kick his ass when i talk to him next. seriously. i am so disappointed and i feel really bad for her that she would hole herself into that. i kind of wish i would have had influence over her back when he said stuff about her not being good enough… and it’s sad cause when she hears about bad things he has done, she gets mad and sad at herself and at other people, but not at him. so… abused. it’s so… wrong. i hope more people continue telling her that she’s worth so much more and that she actually believes them. i know a couple people are, but she doesn’t really believe in it or something. terrible…

i’m listening to… emilliana torini, ryan adams, ella fitzgerald.
i’m feeling… meh.

10:12 pm — i am soooo tired =__=

and it’s not from lack of sleep… i just want to go somewhere and not have to worry about anything =) tired of not having the magazine work, tired of not having a job, tired of not having money… oy.

through the past month or so, i have discovered come to hate some people! really, really. it’s not the best thing, but some people are just like fucking intolerable, i swear…

hate is so bad… but i think i finally hate someone!!! for the second time in my life (but i am over the first person because i got an apology… although what he did was far worse… and maybe i’m not 100% over it, but i don’t really have to deal with his existence, so whatever).

the other day i went to sure shot cafe on university way to drop off some magazines, and this old dude stopped me and started ranting about how all people who run indie magazines should band together to create one magazine and make one magazine that has information about everything… like a collective magazine. because magazines are supposed to be a storehouse of knowledge, he said, so therefore they should have everything. he kept going on about how editors of magazines are cocky monkeys, and how everything is about ego, ego, ego. that may be true, but a collective publication would never work out… people have different goals and different aims. a publication like that would never work. he went on about how in the 60s they tried doing collective publications like that but the police stopped it, and how no one will ever do that now… he said a lot about how “america was dying” blahblahblah.

anyways. the past weekend the scm people came up for some lan tourney, la la la. yes. nothing much special there. yes.

we need to go questing… it’s been a while.

blahblah. of all things lately, i’m yearning for some stability. i need something constant… cause nothing really is. i make my own inefficient days… and although i DO do a lot more than a lot of people, it feels so incomplete… i hope i’m one of the people who gets lucky enough to get something out of my own trials and tribulations, rather than out of someone else’s… to be deeming what you want to do for your life is the most underrated shit. i don’t want to be stuck as one of those who gets told what to do.

it’s that feeling that’s coming up again — of overwhelming mediocrity and the lack of being complete. UGHHHHHH. i don’t know how people can sit around and do absolutely NOTHING. as human beings, don’t people feel like there’s a duty to themselves to accomplish something? i don’t know though, maybe if / when you don’t do anything, it’s easier to not be let down, right? why risk it…

i went to a job interview for web design last thursday, and i THOUGHT i did swell, but i haven’t heard back from them yet. i don’t honestly know how long it takes people to make decisions like this, but i really hope i get it. they’re nice people, and i think i can craft websites that are shitloads better than the ones they have now… and i thought the interview was okay… so there’s no reason in my mind that i shouldn’t get it… but i’ve never successfully interviewed for a job yet — every job i’ve had i kind of had ASAP… so… that being said, i don’t know…

i’ve been getting nosebleeds like when i wake up every morning UGH. today i got it for like twenty minutes while taking a shower. it was fscking annoying. and it’s like. only out of one nostril. and it is super runny, like the consistency of water, just spurting out, and then chunking up all over the place when it finally congeals into little livers. UGHHHHHH.

i feel like i should be saying something more worthwhile because i haven’t written anything in here like a month, but nothing is really coming to me. oy vey. too much incompleted stuff to think about to get things to “come to mind,” i guess…

lenny, posa, and i have been working on our sushimonsters.com site. it’s slowly coming along, but the amount of work involved is massive. SO TIRED UGHHHHHH… gotta fight it. one of these days, one of my business ventures will hopefully pay off, and on that day, i’ll be happy.

work isn’t everything, but it is a huge indication of who you are if you want it to be. and i want it to be; i want to make a mark with something worthwhile.