inside the wonderful world of vee

i’m listening to… sierra swan (she’s kinda like a mix between fiona apple and shirley manson of garbage). she’s actually pretty fucking cool.
i’m feeling… alright!

11:40 pm - i’m such a weirdo. i need adversity to succeed. i NEED an authority figure to tell me, “this is not going to work,” to want to try and make it work. my last journal entry was riddled with thoughts of doubt and self-loathing. the usual. but in this one… i’m feeling a little bit different. only for the time-being, though. it’s strange…

since then some things have happened here and there: a notable one that my mom has called and said, “you need to change your clothes,” blahblahblah, whereas the previous day, she woke me up to, “you should just stop doing the magazine.” negatives on both ends which pissed me off, which subsequently made me work harder. it’s interesting. when people say, “you’re doing a great job,” i still want to work, but less than when they say, “you’re doing a shitty job.” when no one says anything at all, sometimes i don’t want to work at all.

i’ve had a couple of job interviews recently. one today that was pretty fucking terrible. i’m so fucking awkward. if only i radiated confidence, i’d have a job. but i don’t. and i’m awkward and nervous and seem more subpar than i really am. unfortunately. i’m sure if i were more confident and outgoing, REDEFINE would be a fucking cinch. but i am just a girl who has always been a little clumsy and a little aloof… and i don’t think that’s changing anytime soon. i just need for something to work — then maybe i will be able to believe in myself to the point of erasing the awkwardness.

i really wanted the job that i interviewed BEFORE the job today… it was for madison park greeting cards. i think my design style would have really matched… but i didn’t even get a callback or a second interview. i got a fucking rejection letter in the MAIL. what is this? fucking college applications? give me a fucking call or answer my fucking e-mail… don’t write me a fucking letter. i don’t want to wait a week to hear that i’m rejected from a piece of fucking paper.

but hey, guess what. the HELIO SEQUENCE is playing my fucking show. that is a big fucking deal. ring the bells and tell some bitches.

what else to say? yesterday on xanga, there was a verbal assault war between arlen and i. he posted a post that i disagreed with, and i perhaps made the mistake of rashly concluding my post with “I THINK YOU’RE IGNORANT.” as soon as i posted that, i knew it was a mistake, because i knew the defenses would come up. and come up they did. there was lots of shit-talking, and in the end, some fucked up things were said. mostly to me. some things that i would not DREAM of saying to a FRIEND in a million years. some things that i wouldn’t even dream of saying to a stranger. that being said… i don’t care anymore. i never knew how big of a deal “respect” was to me. but it is a huge deal to me. i think respect is the LEAST you can give someone. but i figure is, if someone doesn’t respect me, i don’t need to return it. and so i won’t. i’m done =)

i was annoyed because people TOLD me they thought it was fucked up, but no one had the balls to tell that to arlen or some shit. everyone just said shit like, “you guys should hurry up and make up!” like there was nothing fucking wrong about the way he was talking to me. there was everything wrong with it. he’s said fucked up things to other people before… where instead of criticizing a certain thing, he criticized them as PEOPLE. extensively. and that’s where it is all fucked. yesterday, he said to me, “your perception is screwed.” i said, “ask anyone; it is YOUR perception that is screwed.” and he responded with, “i asked people about you; trust me, they didn’t have flattering things to say.” which… okay… but that has fuck shit to do with opinions about an issue; that has everything to do with me as a person. uhh okay, so i ask you about “perception,” and you can extend that to a person’s entire being?

i was quite bothered yesterday, but come today, after talking to people about it — i feel like although i could have made a different concluding sentence that was less antagonistic, in the larger picture, that’s not the point. i may be at fault for egging it on. maybe. but i was told more fucked up things than i have ever heard come out of anyone’s mouth — and that makes it NOT okay. in conclusion… i don’t need it. i’m not perfect. but you know what? no matter what anyone says to me, i KNOW i’m not racist. i KNOW i’m not a bigot. i’m not even fucking close and i have never been. i’m SURE that people say unflattering things about me — but you can’t please everyone… and that has nothing to do with anything anyways. at least i’m not intentionally trying to hurt people, and that’s the most i can give at this point. at least i’m trying. decisions are consciously made. to personally attack someone’s character is a conscious decision. i hold my tongue a lot because it’s not my place to say things. and the few times that i do say fucked up things, i feel bad immediately.

i don’t care, though. i have enough negativity in my life as is. i have parents who are never satisfied with what i am doing — a magazine that is not looking like it is going to be successful anytime soon and the subsequent advertising rejections — an inability to get a job and the subsequent rejections — stress from taking on more than my body will allow… i don’t need friends who can say those things to their “friends.”

distance is the key, so depart.

i’m so much better than this shit.

i’m listening to… tegan and sara, death cab for cutie.
i’m feeling… k.

3:11 am - i want to be happy! i’m trying, really i am, but i’m not trying nearly hard enough. i feel defeated. i just want to sulk. i just want to be hugged and not have to think or worry or feel… give me comfort and happiness and stability and give me all of the workings that sap away productivity. i don’t really want that… in fact, i probably want the opposite of that, but i can’t find the willpower to exercise the opposite… something needs to start going right is all. something that will be able to give me a glimmer of hope and willpower. it doesn’t matter what it is, but at this point, i feel useless, unaccomplished, underappreciated, and misunderstood. love me, love me =(

finally, i’ve come to a conclusion… after all of these years. i think love does exist. it’s not a myth… i just don’t know how to categorize it. it’s just a feeling. but i don’t think it’s all-encompassing or supernatural in any way… i think it’s just people, needing one another, appreciating one another, and having empathy for one another.

i’m listening to… the coral’s “nightfreak and the sons of becker,” muse, the fall of troy.
i’m feeling… k.

12:46 am - of all the new year’s resolutions i made, i really probably should’ve made one along the lines of um… WRITE IN YOUR JOURNAL. yeah.

valentine’s day was dull… surprisingly, it was more exciting last year. i was really hoping for just about ANYTHING. i could really scarcely believe it. but what’s a girl to do? i’m pretty sure i am probably the only girl on the planet who can stand this. i don’t know if some people just need training or what! i’m confused.

columbia reccords sent some CDs… there was a lashes album and i was kind of excited because i thought it was the whole CD. it has packaging and an insert and a printed disc and everything… turns out it is a single with ONE SONG. fuck, what a waste of space and money. -__- might as well just send me the whole promo, fucker.

i did game testing the other day for the xbox 360. 8 hours of playing video games and getting paid. hell yeah. but i do have to say: the xbox 360 is not that good of a product. they really should have done their best to work out problems BEFOREHAND, not after. seems weird that they would be doing testing AFTER the fact, no?

i went in for a job interview for madison park greetings today. hope i get it. REALLY hope i get it. i need a new job real bad. SO BAD. AAAAH…

god i hate these cds that are half quite good / tolerable and half crap. it’s so hard to listen to. and herein lies the benefits of mp3’s. i remember first having mp3’s and that 24 hour rule rofls. so funny. i wonder how many people actually adhered by the sample and delete policy? i think my first mp3’s were mostly korean songs. not sure why, really. i think they were the most easy to access or something, ironically.

yeah, i don’t know. fuck, i have a lot of stuff to do. no kidding. but whenever there is loads of unresolved shit, i ironically want to do nothing in return. i don’t think it makes much sense. i gotta set some goals. get a calendar again (maybe i’ll steal another one from ubookstore for this year). budget my time. :[ i think i’ll be happy to get a job elsewhere… i need some structure in my life.

today i went to chinatown with lenny and didn’t end up going to chinatown until 3. erin was quite mad. she said that yoga was the only thing she had going in her life that was right, and she was pissed off that she had to miss it. in all honesty, though, even if i had gotten there at 2, she would have missed yoga. we worked from 3-7:30. her yoga class was at 5:30. if i had gotten there at 2, she still would have not been able to leave @ 5:30 oh wellz.

i think i need to drink some water. i’ve dranken (drunken?) one glass of water all day, i believe. that can’t be too good, can it.

i’m going to make this my theme song. or at least try to…

don’t hold back. you gotta believe. you got it. you got it. you need it.
don’t be afraid of anything. you got it. you got it. believe it.
come on now. don’t say, “maybe.” hold your breath. you got it. you need it.
hold on tight now for the ride of your life. you gotta’ believe it.
words hurt. truth heals. sometimes both kill.
we can wish that everything was easy, counting all the ways that life’s not fair.
or say, “I’m not going down that easy. I’m not gonna’ fall cause you’re not here.”

we have seen it all. we’ve been through it all together.
we’ve been through the fire, and you gain your strength from me.
we have seen it fall. we painted the town red together.
we’re still standing tall as i gain my strength from you.

there’s beauty everywhere. there’s beauty everywhere.

THE JULIANA THEORY - WE MAKE THE ROAD BY WALKING.

i’m listening to… the mars volta.
i’m feeling… :/1:58 am - in the past year, i have written less than two pages of content in this journal. i’m not sure what’s going on… i think it’s just being busy with everything that makes it difficult to write.

i’m having a really difficult time with things. everything FEELS right, more or less, but just isn’t working out the way i’d like it to. ha.

all these years i’ve thought that “doing things you want to do” would be easy. trying hard enough would put you there. believing enough would get you there. but it doesn’t necessarily. luck and strategic thinking are huge parts… and not everyone has it. i’m beginning to think my abilities are lacking. why did i try in the first place? i don’t know where i am going with anything and everything seems to end up in faillure. the negative things outweigh the positive things by far. i’m just about ready to give up. exhausted. people may admire that i am doing what i want to do and shit. but a lot of people do that… and a lot of people succeed in doing it. i’m not sure that i will, and i have no one to blame but myself. i am incapable and i can do nothing correctly… i’ve always known myself to be mediocre. a jack of all trades… master of none. but i always thought, “hey, i’m good enough to pull this off. because i believe in it…” i’m not good enough. i’m so tired and i’m having a hard time finding the will to keep up. i know i would detest the 9-5 lives so many people live, but i am unable to facilitate my dreams. that leaves me with nothing. just a failure and a wreck. it sounds dramatical, but the amount of sacrifice i have put into all this and continue to put into all this is something that no one who has not gone through the same thing would even begin to understand. i always think, “hey, i have something better here than other people do,” but in the end, maybe i’m just delusional. i see people without opinions, and i think, “they’re weak.” maybe in the end, i’m just as weak. my opinions exist but get me nowhere. at least those who don’t think are happy. i’m not.

valentine’s day is tomorrow… and with this, i am having a bit of a difficult time as well. i’ve always been one to express my feelings through actions and not so much words. i like holidays and i like birthdays, because i like to give people things. i don’t know how else to show people that i appreciate them. i’m awkward and lack the ability to say things that i might think. from day one, i’ve shown people i care from doing things and making things. folding stars. making newspapers. cooking meals with my limited ability. making making making. planning planning planning. letters recapping memories. it’s been my motto that, if you care about someone, take the time to show it rather than say it.

of course, everyone agrees, but few people act upon this philosophy.

i’ve never been like typical girls in the sense that i need expensive things or flowers or diamonds. i don’t care. you don’t need to buy me shit for me to be happy. just give me a card. just give me some time. plan something. anything. even if it’s watching a movie. even if it’s cooking a meal. i don’t give a fuck… it is so hard for me to have a boyfriend who does not plan. anything. not for a birthday. not for an anniversary. not even when i ask. sighhhhhhhhhhhh. i don’t care. i just want to know that you thought of me at least once without me forcing you to by saying hi or by visiting. if even asking can’t get the message across, then i don’t know what’s left to do. it’s really not hard. i’m easy. all i’ve ever wanted was to be loved. from the day one. in a tangible way. words don’t mean shit if they’re not backed up.

no one has ever shown love in a tangible way. no one ever shows that kind of forethought. there are no surprises here. no one cares… and i hate to say it, but the lack of being on the receiving end is making me cynical. i don’t want to try anymore. all of my efforts seem to go in vain.

i give picture frames with family collages that sit around the house unused. i get packages with bills from parents without so much as a word saying hi. birthdays equate to near nothing. i think i got one card this year. they take two seconds to write. i forget how old i am sometimes because nothing ever reminds me. presents are hidden away unremembered. important dates go by without being remembered. those who i consider my good friends (not all of them, mind you, but a good % in the years past) don’t so much as give me a nod for my birthday. no one remembers.

everyone knows me and everyone thinks i’m great, blahblahblah. fuck it. in the end, it all just equates to mediocrity. like everything. when given the chance, people just get in their negative comments anyways.

four years ago i would have written down everyone’s birthday and tried to contact everyone accordingly. i would have cared enough to handdraw cards and custom-make sculptures for everyone. but i find that year after year, i care less. no one cares, so why should i? right? :/

i know that certainly not everyone can react in such a way. i know. not everyone thinks in terms of giving presents or making time out of their days. but the irritation comes from the fact that no one does. never.

it’s not right… but oh, the futility. the humanity. i don’t think i have felt this fragile ever. the epitome of all things combined makes it a very difficult time for me. a time of lack of reason to continue.

i try to move on;
nothin’ left to hurt me now.
i hope it’s all in the past to stay.
just tryin’ to see through
all the fucked up shit we do,
and hope that we all don’t drift away.
so now i stand here
to sing another song for you
about the pain i felt before;
now there’s nothing i can do.
so now i stand here,
with nothing left to say to you.
and if you all could sing along,
it might help me make it through.

STAIND - LET IT OUT.