inside the wonderful world of vee

i’m listening to… fischerspooner, led zeppelin, the decemberists, wongmo, tangerine dream.
i’m feeling… alright.

1:58 am - throw me on the backburner cause it’s easier for you that way! yay!

well said, mr. brandon boyd (in his book, fluffy white clouds, yay, lenny bought it for me) — and this here is why i idolized him as a writer. cause he… understands? i’m sure plenty of people have these thoughts and plenty of people write them down… but the main difference here is that he vocalizes them… because he can? what drew me to incubus in the first place wasn’t even their music. sure, it was great. it was good. but what drew me in were the lyrics, and how honest and open they were. stating personal flaws and struggles on a new level, rather than a, “oh no, some girl broke my heart” level every time.

i think in our society, people write as a form of therapy, sure, but it’s always hidden away in some diary or locked away in some chest. writing is therapeutic. i definitely think so. but people are so afraid to write beyond the obvious. not everyone, mind you… but most people are afraid of saying things like, i’m lonely, or i hate that i am so judgmental, or blahblahblah. mostly it is limited to simple things, like, boys are such dickheads, or this is what i read today, and it reminds me of how i am feeling, hoorah. it’s refreshing when people write down what they’re really feeling, what their shortcomings are, what their insecurities are… because it’s so rare.

that being said, however, i think xanga and internet mediums such as that have led to people popularizing their diaries and writing them in a forum where everyone can read. this leads some people to concluding, “shit, kids are so emo nowadays… they’re fucking pussy… all they write about is how bad things are,” etc. i’ve heard it. but i don’t think that’s it. i just think that the internet has given people a chance to say things that they were scared to say. sure, people like attention, but i think the fact that people are reading and the fact that other people post things about their lives just makes people braver. granted, these things are still highly limited to the things i mentioned earlier, and still… very few are reflections of the true self.

and the communication only improves on the digital front, really… i think most people are still too afraid to say any of those things in person — even the watered-down internet half-assed versions — which sucks. the digital age has stifled our abilities to communicate like real people. the phone is becoming a foreigner. real people aren’t even necessary for some to feel sane. it’s not right.

anyway, as mentioned previously… most people tend to write when their moods are at extremes. and perhaps when you are happy, you’re busy, or something else is occupying your mind. happy posts don’t have as much of an impact as sad posts do anyways. happy posts are like… okay… rather than sad posts, which are like… OMG… hence they are more well-remembered and more paid attention to, since most people find the need to say something when someone else is sad, rather than when someone else is happy. it’s like waiting in traffic… you only notice that your lane is going slower when it’s going slower, not when it’s going faster. people love to focus on the negative.

not to say that i am any different. my best work stems from being negative. it is negativity that gives me the ability to create — be it in a written or visual way. it’s pathetic… but that’s the way it is, and that’s the way it always has been. from the first poem i wrote in 6th grade or something, sitting in the computer room crying and thinking about dying and why i was lonely and shit… i admit it, i have been motherfucking emo from day one. and i don’t really care. that’s just the way it is and always will be.

i don’t know where this rant came from. and i’m not really sure that it really went anywhere, but oh well!

on another note… i’ve realized to me that when i find someone with potential, and the potential it not being used, it… bothers me. it bothers me because it seems like so many people could be so much more, but they’re just not trying. they just don’t care and are content to be content. and that, i have found, is evil. now the problem lies here: … at what point should i start caring? is it any of my business that these people are squandering their time?… why does it bother me so much? if they are content in the here and now, should that be enough? i don’t know. i think through the years i have had enough people say, “hey, this thing you did changed my life,” or “hey, this thing you did made me think twice about blah,” where i somehow get the idea that maybe all some people really do need is a push here or there… but not everyone wants that, and is it in my right to even try?

i think i have tmj. lockjaw. but i’m not sure. i probably should get it checked out, but when?

ambient music is… awesome.

i’ve been listening to the radio a lot just because i happened to take my cd’s out of my car. meh. it’s whatevers for the most part. really late at night, though, it’s sometimes cool to see the random shit that comes up… i especially like when they play older stuff that you like that you usually would never hear on the radio. it’s like… refreshing. i really like the… whatever, rockabilly, dancehall, swing type stuff… i don’t even know what it is really, but i like the fat bass licks and the voices… and it’s just good. the “stray cat strut” by the stray cats or whatever came on the other night, and i have to say, it was the only time in a long time that the radio has sounded so good.

adam brought over “guitar hero” today and played some of that. it is actually rather fun, but i think i may just get sick of it sometime.

had a meeting with a bunch of randomz yesterday to talk about advertising. so far, there are about… seven people on the advertising ‘team’. seriously, if ads aren’t sold this time, i just don’t know wtf. there is sooo much shit to do. i don’t know what i’m doing. i think all of my health problems are caused by stress. how to fix?

i might take a job @ little nickel… if i get it. it’s not a lot of money… $12.50, which is better than my current job, @ $12… but it’s full benefits for 34 hours/week, and benefits are really what i want. the shift is from 5PM to 5AM monday thru wednesday. graveyard. X: hopefully, the job could go somewhere else, cause i happen to know the chick who is doing the interviewing and shit (although someone else will be doing my interview), and she started out working the job i’m hoping to take, and she now runs a lot of shit there… and she has a literary publication that she prints there for COST. so… hopefully it works out. 12 hours a day is a lot, but i like that it’s only on three days. so, we’ll see how it goes. hopefully i don’t die or something… from stress and lack of sleep, that is. SHIT MAN. I HAVE SO MUCH FUCKING WORK TO DO THIS FUCKING WEEKEND, MOTHERFUCKER. X: this past week all i have been doing really is working… working and playing games. wait, that’s just like usual…?

i’m so tired of the poor communication lenny and i have. it’s not right. and it’s not at all calming. it puts me on edge, if anything. like a one-person, three-ring, circus sideshow [tool - aenima] — that’s what i am. it all goes back to being too comfortable… comfortable to the point where you don’t care to try. i don’t think i’m there, though. if anything i have gotten the point of discomfort. but he might be.

i need to read up on taoism or something. just fucking… go back to my ways of not fucking giving a fuck. taoism, where everything just is, and essentially, none of your fucking business. what matters is only in your immediate realm of self. i like that. maybe believing that will help the stress will go away. maybe learning to breathe will help the stress go away (i find that often times, i forget to breathe).

maybe i should just become a pothead. jokes, of course.

for 27 years, i’ve been trying to believe and confide in
different people i’ve found.
some of them got closer than others -
some wouldn’t even bother
and then you came around.
i didn’t really know what to call you;
you didn’t know me at all,
but i was happy to explain.
i never really knew how to move you,
so i tried to intrude through
the little holes in your veins.
and then i saw you…
but that’s not an invitation;
that’s all i get.
if this is communication,
i disconnect.
THE CARDIGANS - COMMUNICATION.

i’m listening to… discovery channel and some thing on area 51.
i’m feeling… okie.

12:32 am — this thing on area 51 is showing their satellite photos over the course of years… and how it has expanded and been remodeled over time. so clearly something is there?!

lalala. i was going to say something, but i don’t remember

today is lenny and my 5…?-month anniversary? i thought today was the 9th. it is in fact the 8th. well, technically the 9th now since it’s 12:38 am, but whatever. didn’t really feel like anything special. lazy day — yes, yet another. felt quite blah. our times spent together towards the last… week have felt… uninspired.

i posted a link on this website with a video on the CIA’s remote viewing experiment, saying i thought it was real. this guy responded with a link to this website saying that, hey, this website talks about it, and penn and teller said it wasn’t real, so it’s bullshit. what makes me fucking livid is that i actually read this website, and i don’t really think that he did. there’s virtually nothing in this article that says remote viewing does NOT work. and that’s bullshit. what a fucking idiot… sending me a link to prove that i’m full of shit when in fact the article attaches truth to my claim. what a dipshit. that just makes me mad. that he is so out to prove someone wrong that he finds a link that has the results he thinks will be there (even when it doesn’t), doesn’t take the time to read it, and just posts it like an idiot.

anyway. last night before going to lenny’s house, i stopped by albertson’s to get some milk and mushrooms for making risotto. unfortunately, i didn’t know albertson’s was closed. these two little emo bitches who look like my chemical romance fans were being hella rude, saying, “it’s clooosed,” in this weird voice, but i didn’t hear them. so i was like, “oh it’s closed?” when they finally said it, and one of the guys was just hella laughing, saying, “i can’t believe…” blahblahblah. so either he was laughing at 1) me not hearing them a bunch of times, or 2) my clothes, since i was wearing these hideously awesome pajamas. either way, it made me mad, which is stupid, unfortunately, but i was already in not that great of a mood, and it didn’t really help. i just fucking hate it when people are jackasses. makes everything feel like shit to know that people are just that fucking bored and shitty. i’ve been mean plenty in my life, but that was a long time ago, and i have since learned to at least try and make an attempt at being more civil and respectable. douches.

tonight i went with alex and andy [crossett] to eat wings at romio’s. there was really no one there but us when we got there. in fact, it was really kind of eerie since no one was around. but nevertheless, we went in anyways. got 40 wings, although the guy thought it was 20. then he accidentally entered it into the computer as 10. so he brought us 10, then 10 more, and then 20 more. rofls. narb. but he tried to be nice, so it’s all good. anyways, at some point, this guy came in and i didn’t even notice him come in, but he approaches us with a dime and asks us to flip a coin for him because he wants to, “see something.” i would have done it, but i suck at flipping them, so we kinda waited around til andy decided to do it. the guy told him to call it in the air, and andy called heads. it was tails. the guy said, “well, that’s strange,” and said, “you guys have won this coin and your tab.” we were mostly just surprised. not everyday does someone do that. so i asked him, “why?” and he just said, “random.” that’s good enough of a reason for me, although it’s a strange one. so i don’t know why it is good enough ;D anyways he told us that it was an open tab and we could order whatever we want. we didn’t order anything else, though. at some point he left, and all of us were like, wtf, and the waiter was saying how he was drunk. i guess he has come in there a few times and bought people meals for no apparent reason. later, he came back with a bum, and fed him dinner. good shit.

alex and andy found it a little strange. they initially thought the guy was asking us to flip a coin so he could decide if he wanted to kill himself later or something. i don’t know. i never thought it was weird, and “random” was a good enough reason for me. it doesn’t really make sense to me. it’s sad, though, that someone could do a good deed and it makes people freaked out just cause it is a good deed. i’ll admit, he wasn’t the most clean-cut, unshady looking guy i’ve ever seen, but i’m sure he has good, if not great, intentions. i don’t find these inexplicable good deeds as things that should cause us to be freaked out. i don’t think that people don’t have a good reason behind it. if anything, it’s inspiring that people would go out on a limb and do something nice for no particular reason. like those people who pay for your toll when they’re the car in front of you. everything is really just nice, and i don’t think these people really have a conscience to clear (as andy suggested) or that they have an ulterior motive. is it really that weird to do something nice for no reason? maybe that’s what makes some people feel right. while the bum was ordering food, he was just sitting at the bar with some gOofy smile on his face. later, he went to sit with him. the smile made me think it just made him feel good. if only these things didn’t always make people so scared. how cynical is society? man.

sometime in this past week lenny and i went to this restaurant in wallingford — some mediteranean food place. it tasted alright. the guy was really nice though; he was the owner, cook, waiter… rofls. he said his help was late. too bad. we were the only ones in the restaurant. so many restaurants and shops… so few people. sometimes i wonder how these places stay open. it seems so hard. seems like yet another difficult dream to start up. :[ sad.

i’m watching this thing on the discovery channel now about the “bermuda triangle,” and this guy is not a believer in it, so he is dedicating his life to proving it wrong. seems so… pointless to me. but i guess it’s getting him on tv, so yeah. i’d much rather be proving it right, than to not know and say it is wrong right off the bat. but i guess i’m drawn to stupid shit like that that has no definite answer.

people in our apartment want to assign everyone dishes since some people aren’t doing theirs. that seems a little silly to me. i dunno, i’ve done sinkloads of other people’s dishes before… and people have done mine. and i don’t really see what the big deal is. maybe if someone had nasty dishes all the time and NEVER did them, but maybe that person just needs to be bitched at more. shrug. i’m willing to try the idea — why not — but i definitely, definitely do think that it’s silly.

i was having a weird headache for the past couple of days in the back of my head, but it’s mostly gone now. fantastic!

i borrowed “40 year old virgin” from jesse who borrowed it from blockbuster. excellent. oh yes, within recent times i watched “crash,” which was pretty excellent… well, some parts were anyway, and “the island” (did i already mention this?) “the island” is particularly weird because no one really watched it, but most people who have watched it (i heard people talking about it at this blockbuster too before) think it’s not so bad. so mind-boggling. and “king kong”? not sure if i mentioned that either, but some parts were excellent, and some parts were not. the movie as a whole was too long, though. not really my bag of chip movie. i want to see some movie that i saw on the tv yesterday, even though it has elijah wood. it’s called, um… “everything is illuminated” — looks visually pretty cool.