inside the wonderful world of vee

i’m listening to… … and you will know us by the trail of the dead, the blood brothers (no, they do not sound like the fall of troy at all, despite maybe the voice).
i’m feeling… neither here or there, really!

12:51 am — so i like never write in this journal anymore… the reason i thought was because life is soo boring. it might be more boring compared to before… maybe. but it’s not bad. it’s just not as dynamic. before i did all sorts of random stuff… and people would do them, more or less… that, or, if they didn’t, i wouldn’t care and i’d just go and do my own thing. i guess things have changed. and i guess now if people aren’t willing to do things with me, i’d much rather just not do it at all. i guess i’m jaded. why, i’m not entirely sure, because it’s not like i have done everything in the world. in addition to that, though, there is just so much shit to do when i’m in washington regarding redefine — it’s like a constant work that needs to be done, and setting my own schedule is great, sometimes, but i’m losing the willpower. i used to have a lot. but i guess too much lack of a schedule is making things kind of hard. during freshman year i’d get up at like 8 in the morning before class to finish all of my homework. now i can’t even get up if i have planned everything in advance. JAAAADED.

i guess a lot of it is being disappointed by a lot of people. starting a magazine isn’t easy at all, and while there have been a lot lot LOT of people who have helped — some of which were unexpected — there are also a lot who have been quite the opposite… a lot who you’d think would be able to help you the most but in fact let you down the most. it’s not a recent thing, and it has been that way since the inception, and needless to say, it’s disappointing. and it makes you wonder if those people really do give a rat’s ass about you. see, the way i see it is, if a friend of yours has the vision to pursue anything that is passion-based… be it being in a band, or being a dj, or starting a company, as a friend, it’s your duty to give them some kind of support. by telling people, or by attending a show, or whatever the fuck. i am cheap with money, but i wouldn’t NOT go to see a friend’s show just because i’m cheap. if informed about the event, i’d do my best to go and show up to give the support, simply because it’s not easy following any kind of dream, and people need any kind of help they can get. i’ve gone to a handful of shows and done shit i can for friends in bands. i mean, it’s not a helluva lot, but the support is there and shit. and it doesn’t matter if it’s a super good friend — it’s a respect that they are actually trying to do something. and when people don’t reciprocate that kind of thing for something you are trying so fucking hard to do, it’s — needless to say — extremely disheartening. and it makes you think these people must not care that much about you… so why should you care so much about them? and so it comes, the disassembly and disintegration of things… and the not really giving a fuck. i know once upon a time i was a huge flake, and that sucked too… it’s not exactly the same thing, but it’s similar, in a way.

anyway, i’m back at home in california. nothing much to do here, but this is a relatively good break, i think. i have a lot of work to do (although i have spent a large amount of time playing “diablo2″, roflskates). since i’ve decided to play d2, a buttload of poeple have also joined in, although i haven’t really played with any of them except for alex and lenny. what sucks thouhg, is that i left my glasses in washington cause ithought i had a pair here, but i cannot locate them, and staring at the computer for a long time is, essentially, death. but whatevers!!!

we’re having a potluck on friday and i’m going to sherry’s tomorrow for a potluck. wahOo. going back on sunday. going to try and meet up with liz and andy [crossett] on saturday. we’ll see how that goes. maybe meet up with one of my writers in SF as well. we’ll see, though. but the food is good. and this is probably the most people who have been back to cali for break in a long time. so that’s cool. i don’t have too much to say. the last month has consisted of… going to a circa survive show with ben [garrison], attending macguyver marathons @ cynthia’s because she borrowed the whole first season from her friend, went to a spacecraft launch event of their new officespace (lot of pretentious artsy hipster people and snowboarders and stuff, and basically i went with andy and john [gillanders] and none of us knew anyone so we really just did nothing but steal food and shit), playing a lot of diablo2, watching a lot more tv than i’d like, staying up late, waking up late, procrastinating, being frustrated with cd printers who were a week and a half late and therefore delayed the putting out of redefine, crying, attempting to help out in an elementary school classroom (the kids are so fucking cute, but i don’t think i’m really that useful… but i feel bad just kind of leaving after one time and not really saying shit… but the teacher sucks, and … other things…), being emo, getting some part-time contract job doing tech writing transcriptions, spending hours inside of costco like it’s a museum, reading (read “a million little pieces” by james fey, which is a book about a drug addict’s trip through rehab, and i think everyone should read it, “extreme encounters (which is a book on what it’s like to go through different things, like be shot, get stuck in quicksand, get bitten by fire ants, etc… awesome idea but poorly written and could’ve been a helluva lot better), and now i’m reading a book on exorcisms in america (so far its just said how exorcisms are a lot more prevalent than the catholic church knew, and that the whole exorcism craze blew up after hollywood showcased it with “the exorcist”… a sociological book that is not bad at all, especially considering i bought it for $1.99!), playing a lot of “katamari damacy 2″ and some other random crap. but that essentially sums it all up, i think. life is slow now, and it’s relaxing in some ways, but extremely unproductive as well. i function better and stress myself out less when things are fast and regimented, i think. kind of why i wanted to go back to school sometimes, but now that i’m graduated, the motivation is not there. i’m not sure what i’m doing here, but i probably do need to fix… something.

(arlen’s response:)
Howdy do Vee- You know people really genuinely care about you and your endeavor. I think it’s a bit extremist and unreasonable to presumptuously assume people don’t care about you just because they don’t make a contribution to your mag in the way you foresaw it. That really bothers me, but not because you’re being judgemental. You’re being so damn hard on yourself! STFU NOOB. I’d donate $100 to your mag if I had it, but certain things don’t allow me to do so (e.g., debt, it’s not easy living without asking your parents for money). It doesn’t mean people don’t care about you god damnit! People are just the fucking product of their circumstance; if I was a spoiled rich valley girl who didn’t give a fuck about your mag, I could easily donate $1000 to amuse myself as I laid in my lawn chair getting fed grapes by a few male strippers. All I’m saying is that’s just a terrible and inaccurate way to quantify if someone cares about your endeavor, and an even worse way to qualify whether someone cares about you. SO STFU AND FEEL GOOD ABOUT YERSELF NOOB, Arlen