inside the wonderful world of vee

i’m listening to… harold faltemayer, in flames.

3:37 am — i play “ninja gaiden 1″ for like 4 hours today trying to beat it. i have to say, i think it’s easier than the second one, but jesus christ man. arlen got to the last boss and you have ONE life (with full health) to defeat him or you have to start all over from the beginning of an extremely difficult stage. RIDICULOUS. i hit the boss a bunch of time and took off ONE BAR of life. WTF.

planned parenthood is a cool place. they’re doing good things — unless, of course, you’re a religious right-wing and you don’t approve of any kind of birth control or methodology except for abstinence (hey kids, abstinence education doesn’t work!)

i cooked food for lenny today aaa haa ahaa. i pity da foo who marries me (if that so happens). i mean, there’s worse, but there’s more better.

so much to do but i just want to play videogames. having a nintendo is the bane of my existence.

my eyes are pretty much all better. i wonder what it was. vitamin deficiency? seriously? that seems awful strange…

liz is coming to stay over this thursday. wewt, wewt…!! halloween parties this weekend for teh win! and freak night!

i’m listening to… the new amsterdams, death cab for cutie, copeland.

1:53 am — i’m not made for having a boyfriend. i don’t know how to operate it. crashing into walls, and who the hell am i? i feel like i barely know myself. is it because of changing situations with friends? with life… i don’t know what it is but things feel so right and wrong at the same time ha. i wonder if the happiness outweighs the unhappy. probably. this sounds fucking stupid. i don’t care.

today i didn’t invite lenny to hsu-han’s dinner, under the impression that it’s not my birthday; i don’t have authority to invite people. oh yeah, is that what people do? invite their boyfriends to events? it’s a foreign idea to me… but it’s normal, isn’t it… why does it seem so strange to me? where does the disconnect come in, and why?

it seems like when i’m trying to by considerate i’m always issuing the wrong things as worthy of consideration, or i just fuck it all up, or no one notices or cares. i’m not made for this. i know if… or when… this ends, i’m going to be a mess. so much that cannot be put into words.

there’s nothing worse than having the feeling that you’re worthless and that you’re a shitty person and that you can’t do anything right. people can say anything about how great you are or how cool they think you are but in the end it doesn’t mean shit. everyone is haunted by their own demons and it’s funny how tweaking by certain people can make such a huge effect.

i’m in limbo, and it shouldn’t be like this. one person shouldn’t have so much power over another. and i don’t think i like it. i know i don’t like it. i am so fucking weak. and i can’t fucking stand it. i can’t stand myself. i can see how people can get lost in each other. can live to live with other people constantly so that you don’t have to live with the potential of losing. you don’t have to think anymore. that’s why two crackheads can stay together forever (says christ rock).

with every fight comes so much doubt. to the point of challenging everything that is good. what are fatal flaws and what aren’t? can everything be worked out? how do you make decisions like this ha… i can’t stand making decisions like this. i don’t know how to operate emotions. my own have never been manipulated in such a way and it’s like a rollercoaster of doom. i said i wanted to die atop a burning rollercoaster that plunges into a fiery pit from an earthquake opening up the earth, but not like this! not an emotional one!

but really, the kicker is the expectations for how people should act. and it’s easy to say how you want people to act without going through the same scenario yourself. but in some cases, i do see what i would do in similar situations, and i KNOW it’s different from what is done. my expectations for what other people would do with regards to me are what i would do in the same scenario, but it’s not always what other people would do. and most of the time it’s disappointing. and well, you just have to wonder why… obviously, people are different. but do they act different simply because they don’t know how? or they care less? or it doesn’t cross their mind? so hard to explain.

send out an s.o.s. call;
it’s a quarter past 4 in the morning
and the storm broke a second anchor line.
four months at sea,
for months of calm seas to be pounding
in the shallows of the tip of montauk point.
the calm rose;
they travel fast and alone.
one hundred foot faces –
god’s good ocean gone wrong.
they call love is a risk –
you always get hit out of nowhere
by some wave and end up on your own.
the hole in the hull defied the crews attempts
to bail us out…
the flood in the engine radio,
half-buried bow…
your tongue is a rudder
that steers the whole ship;
sends your words past your lips
and keeps them safe behind your teeth…
but the wrong words will strand you;
come off course while you sleep,
sweep your boat out to sea
or dashed to bits on the reef…
vessels chromes –
the ocean pressures its frame
to the port i see the lighthouse through the sleet and the rain.
and i wish for
one more day
to give me love and repay debts
but the morning finds our bodies washed up
thirty miles west…
they say that the captain stays staff with the ship
through still and storm…
but this ain’t the dakota,
and the water’s cold.
won’t have to fight for long…
this is the end…
this story’s old but it goes on and on until it disappears.
call me
and let me taste the salt you breathe when you were underneath.
i am the one who haunts your dreams of
mountains sunk below the sea
i spoke the words but never
gave a thought to what they all could mean.
i know that this is what you want.
a funeral keeps both of us apart.
you know that you are not alone.
need you like water in my lungs.
this story’s old but it goes on and on until we disappear.
BRAND NEW - PLAY CRACK THE SKY.

i’m listening to… the weakerthans, “a whole new world” rofls, theory of a deadman, tom cochrane, tom jones & the cardigans, trace adkins, van halen, minus the bear, kanye west, aerosmith, aaron lines, led zeppelin that some douche labeled as aerosmith those fuckers.

4:04 am - it’s 4:04 — why am i awake!!
i took an involuntary nap from 9 - 12. whenever i sleep early, i always wake up halfway through the night with the inability to fall back asleep. every time. i don’t know why i even try anymore. or maybe i don’t really try. i always used to do this too - take a nap at like 11 for an hour, get up at midnight, and then do what i do… it’s odd, and it only happens when i’m at home. don’t know why, really. i’m nocturnal. jea.

so call me a gullible tool, but i searched this site extensively and i’ve decided to buy a pair of the regular rings: http://www.alexchiu.com. i really think there are way too many testimonials to make it seem fake… but /shrug, maybe he’s not posting the REJECTS. i wouldn’t doubt it. he IS chinese after all A HA HA HA.

so i am officially hitched. k, not really. but i have a boyfriend now. ah ha ha ha. i would not have thunkit like this really. his name is lenny. most of you probably know of him at least. it took me a while to decide that i was ready to commit to anything… i’ve always had the mentality that maybe something else better will come along and since i haven’t dated much, who knows, right? that’s why i didn’t want a real relationship but after getting intimate with him or whatever, i’ve met people that i have been interested in, but i haven’t found anyone better.

one of them was awesome up until i found out he was a liar and a fake and he’s good at saying the right things only because he thinks them through too much. the other is cute as hell but just talks too much about things that are boring. anyway. i think it’s been long enough, i think, and it’s about time. even though he has pissed me off. a lot. but it’s alright. men are at their core douches, am i right? HAW HAW just kidding. sorta! but i’m sure i can whip him into shape. i know it!! HAW. anyways, looking back on the official dates of when problems were generally rare and feelings were generally happy, the official relationship begin date is at august 8th, when we went to portland with arlen and farm[ula/ing].

josh is on his way to kuwait i think. THAT FUCKER. he better fucking take care of his raunchy ass. he better fucking err. down krew’s #1 chump. no dizzle.

this past weekend we had a little shindig at our new place on 7th ave in apartment 409. it was mostly good, a lotta people, too many videogames, and cleared out a little too fast for my liking. i don’t dig the videogames at parties, but i have no authority.

that day before the party alex and i went 409 and pledge-wipe on the apartment and owned all of the disease-causing mold. HOORAHS FOR US.

i’m going to try writing in here again. when i have the time. wish i hadn’t stopped writing from august 16th to septembr 28th. i wonder what those days held. i’m obsessed with chrologizinizing (not a word) time. it’s strange. but i am obsessed with memories and thoughts. maybe i just like hearing myself talk too much. or maybe i just don’t want to forget more than i already do…

lenny’s helping me piece together the missing days. cause his memory is freakishly good for some things…

[08/20] at some point, zach came up from portland and stayed a few days. i must admit, it was a little weird. the guy doesn’t talk much. this would be mommy’s birthday, and phil and i were gonna buy flowers but agreed it’d be better if he just bought them and walked over there and delivered them to her. save money and it’d be more personal too. saw better than ezra on this day. they were decent, some weird show at some weird park in bellevue. mostly families. we were probably the only “teenagers” (although not really) there. MORE LATER. —>

[08/21] ate weed brownie’s @ jesse’s place. they didn’t work very well cause him and karam got their strainer taken away by roger who moved, and so the motherfuckers messed up. ;[ waste of $10. speaking of, jesse, that motherfucker, owes me money. whatever. very very lame high.

i’m thinking being a teacher would be cool. starting monday i’m volunteering with this lady at a public school downtown for being a helper for kindergarteners in literacy. wewtz0r. english for the win.

can’t wait to get back to seattle. oh yeah, i’ve been at home in cali for the last week or so. umm… i’ve been having some annoying eye problems and so my parentals wanted me to come home to relax. grandpa’s here too because him and mom are going to china. i never have anything to talk to him about really, unfortunately… sigh grandpa is so good!

my eye problems have been something like nystagmus. i don’t know, though, because only one nurse has said that and everyone else has been completely clueless and unhelpful. i’ve gone to four doctors and one emergency room visit. the first doctor was a primary care physician and didn’t know shit. he said my feeling of lying down and having a warm sensation come from my ear was probably due to earwax buildup. and flushed my ears. in a painful way with a stupid water hose device. and the shit didn’t help, as i could have told the motherfucker. and it cost me a hundred bucks, that douchebag. god i swear to god i hate doctors. i’ll killem all! no but seriously, if you have a problem, research the shit out of it first so that you can tell them you think it’s something because you know your symptoms better than you can ever describe. and doctors don’t listen to lengthy lists and they always form opinions way too quick. it’s no good. one of my doctors even said after seeing me once, “i have no idea. see another doctor.” this was after i got an mri which proved negative to tumors and sinusitis. and it’s going to burn a hole into our fucking pockets. fuck.

one thing though — nystagmus can be brought on by drug use, and i do think that’s what it was. after doing 2ci — which was fucking rad btw — i could make myself hallucinate. jesse’s done it, and he can do it too. all i can say is, i love the drugs, but i think i’m done. really. cept for maybe weed. but i don’t even really care for it, so that’s no prob. i also think perhaps it is attributed to when me and sherry and other ppl took a 30 minute boat ride back from an island in italy and we kept our face over the side of the boat the entire time. WHAT THE FUCK WERE WE THINKING? okay, i take it back. THAT was probably the winner. i think my tear ducts are fucked. and then there’s the unstoppable crying…

last time — probably about a week ago — lenny went with me to the emergency room because it felt like me eyes were gonna bulge out of my head or something. think i had a panic attack there. i was seeing weird shit, weird flashes, feeling all nervous and jittery… BLEH, weird. maybe i’m way stressed out and i just don’t know it… i DO know i’m tense all the time, so maybe i should start meditating. i swear i should but sometimes meditation makes me feel weird — maybe because i don’t know how to do it properly.

anyway, copy and pasted from xanga…
so alex has gotten into this thing within the past ohhh four months or something where if he feels sick, he buys an emer’gen’c and takes it. for those who don’t know, it’s a water-soluble mix of vitamins. put it in a bottle of water and you’ve got yourself a health-sickness-combatant. well, in the wake of my eye problems and hearing from my parents that perhaps it’s a vitamin deficiency, i’ve started taking emer’gen’c’s. and that, combined with centrum and what not, has helped my eyes immensely. maybe it’s just a coincidence. i don’t know. but i don’t care. it seems like it has been working now our whole apartment (well, 6 out of 7 people) take it. GOOD JOB ALEX. STARTING A REVOLUTION IN 409. alex and arlen have also devised a giant fda cover-up conspiracy theory. vitamins are not fda approved. none are. why? pharmaceutical companies comprise such a huge portion of the u.s. economy that without them — say, if vitamins really could cure every disease like somepeople believe — the economy would hurt even more. OH SORRY I GUESS ARLEN AND FARM DEVISED IT, NOT ARLEN AND ALEX! who knows. makes sense to me. it DEFINITELY is suspicious that the fda never have done tests on vitamins, though. it seems in the natural scheme of things, doesn’t it? been getting a lot of awesome chinese meals because people keep treating grandpa to them as a courtesy thing… so eating is good.

and i’ve been reading a lot — there’s way too much reading material around here. we got united mileage points that were allotted for free magazines, so i have like a fatty stack of them — all over the board, from blender to wired to seventeen. GOOD SHIT. i like it. and my brother always buys shitloads of books and tosses them, so i’ve been reading them. too bad they’re all similar types of books. after reading “the client” by john grisham — the 600 words in 2 days — i started another similar murder-mystery type thing and got bored in about two seconds. i need something a little different to sandwich between it. there’s the “left behind” series of biblical rapture stories, but that’s a no thanks on many levels. cause the shit scares me and cause … no thanks.

i swear to god dude. TRAPT is such a shitty damn godamn band. what the hell.

there’s freak night again this year. THE FUCKING LIARS. they said last year was the last one. LIARS. i wanna be a tetris piece this year. KEKEKKEE.

i also signed up for mfa… it’s a political awareness organization that you can volunteer for. i signed up with the hopes that if i help them out, i can get tickets to the sold-out death cab for cutie show. fingers crossed.

also got a $600 freelance webdesign offer for an freelance writer. wish i would have charged more, though, cause it seems like it might be more work than i initially thought…

i’m not in too much of a rush to find a real job. i’m such a bum. still working part time. i just am rich in the bank account though, so i don’t really feel a need to look too hard. but i should… i don’t know, from now until the end of the year the money should be rolling in pretty OK. definitely enough for survival. i still am owed $50 by chris, $100 by eric, $100 more from a website revamp i did, a $1,000 mini-magazine/catalog design thing on nutrition, the $600 webdesign thing, my part time anti-tobacco job should bring in about $300 a month… i’ve $2,000 from working for a week and a half @ a job tim got me coding css for some design interactive firm. those motherfuckers. didn’t even let me go with a goodbye rofl. but luckily for me, i have a book of one of the co-workers jim (okay, he was cool, so i should give it back) and an illustrator and indesign book. not like they’re going to use em… :0 anyway, BASICALLY I THINK I CAN LIVE WITHOUT SELLING OUT TO THE MAN JUST YET. i’m just banking on the magazine doing a lot better, really fast, because the last issue got so fast so quickly that i think it’s possible again… but it needs time, and i need the time, and TIME. AND TIME.

“HELP MEH! HELP MEH PLEASE!”
i think i’m satisfied. i THINK i know what i’m doing “give me a high-five!!!” god, the wayans bros. was fucking GENIUS. corny, in retrospect, but still, genius!! GENEEIUAASS.

i do know, that for as long as i’m feeling good, though, i’m going to explore. and live as it should be lived… andy [crossett] is bored of being holed up in our apartment because people don’t care about going out that much. i agree. it’s time to learn and live and explore and find something to do. it’s always better with a buddy. so we’re going to stop cooping ourselves up in our apartment and start harrassing bitches.

i’m listening to… the postal service.

11:41 pm - holy fucking shit time goes by fast. just looking at today’s date after not thinking about it for so long makes me wonder where all the time went.

so nothing really horrendously good as of lately. i feel like shit and the worst part is i don’t know if it’s all in my head or if i’m actually feeling like shit! i’ve been having some eye discomfort in my right eye and i’ve seen like three eye doctors and none of them could see anything wrong with me… so finally the last one said i should get an mri to make sure everything is okay.

first off, mris are those big long white tubes you see on tv shows that you go inside of. THEY ARE SERIOUSLY THE WORST THING EVER. i thought i was going to faint like 4 times, and i had to blink my eyes every second just about to even stay awake and focused on anything. there was like a huge amount of pressure in my head for some reason - seriously feels like my brain is bleeding or something. it’s probably not, but its so strange. but yeah. mri = miserable. i hope none of you ever have to get one :0 although it seems rather common for people to get one eventually…

last night i ate hash brownies with lenny and andy. as well as crab. mm, crab. i bought it from uwajimaya and it needed to be slaughtered. poor things. one died pretty early on and lenny ripped off the shell and stuff okay. the other one he THOUGHT was dead wasn’t really dead, and as he was ripping off his shell, the crab started moving and he freaked out and stopped ripping it off halfway. and so he had to go back and do it again, and then the heart was still beating. so he stabbed it. not sure if that worked. think it did. gross… so gross. the insides of crabs are gross. and they fucking cost me $30. motherfuck.

anyways, back to the hash brownies. it was uh, cool and all. at first. i’ve never had any kind of problem with any kind of drug in my years of using drugs, so this was really really weird for me. i couldn’t fall asleep cause my eye was bothering me (as usual), so i decided to take an aleve. why i didn’t take the advil i don’t know, but i took the aleve instead because i was feeling so miserable and was thinking, “well, aleve is stronger so…”

so i took that, and a while later i started twitching uncontrollably sort of. it felt like i was on speed. couldn’t control my body and involuntary muscle spasms. not the first person to get this from aleve, from what i’ve read… but jesus christ man! it probably is cause i’m allergic to it or something and the marijuana just elevated the side-effects (since that’s what marijuana usually does with any other drug — elevate it) and so it felt especially bad and uncontrollable. don’t know when it finally stopped — i guess after i actually passed out in bed after sitting on the couch half-watching tv and half-not thinking for a while. i also have like hives on my face — i know this because i’ve gotten them when i was allergic to alcohol before — and that just so happens to be a side-effect of aleve. so shit. no more aleve. ever…! and i don’t suggest you take it either.

so twitchy. still… what’s goin on!!!!!!!!