inside the wonderful world of vee

i’m listening to… brand new, alison krauss, martina mcbride.

i’m sitting in my room listening to country music and wallowing! it’s what i do best. there’s a comfort in not being comfortable. i can see how people can fall into depression in a way… although i don’t see how they can stand to allow themselves go through more than one day of this hell. it’s the longest day ever.

i haven’t written in this thing in more than a month. things have happened, but i’ve mostly kept it to myself in my own journal. everything is new. moved into a new apartment with farm, arlen, andy [crossett], andy [miscellaneous last name i do not know], and alex. got a contract job at engine interactive for $25 an hour for a couple of weeks and got $2,000, but that’s over now.

so now i’m basically just lazying around, wondering why i’m still here.

i feel so worthless and so malleable. so reliant on the ebbs and flows of other people. this is not the way it should be.

negativity blows, and i’m sick of being a bag of bricks bringing down the world, but sometimes there’s just nothing else on your mind… you know? not everyone knows i’m sure, but i’ve always been this way, unfortunately. i wish i could be a healing force — something that brings positivity to everything. but instead i think i’m unworthy, and i don’t think i should be allowed to bring down everyone. and i’m sorry.

i just watched “the hours” because a review on imdb said that it was “hopeful”… and i needed some hope. unfortunately, it wasn’t hopeful. it was about suicide mostly, and it could have had a hopeful resolution i guess - but the whole movie isn’t happy - and i wasn’t thinking that it would be… but it wasn’t happy at all. there wasn’t an ounce of hope. not an ounce.

everyone else has school and or work. i’m only working part-time and very little right now. it’s fucking boring. i’ve no motivation to do anything - although i have been doing redefine stuff… but that’s really about all, and it’s taking a lot longer than i’d intended simply because i can’t buckle down and do it enough. it’s so lonely here. i haven’t done a thing today cause i’ve no motivation. i’ve tried creating something - but all of my ideas are just recycled trash. i can’t even impress myself. there’s nothing original in my mind anymore. it’s creative stagnation. it’s garbage. these are the same old words written by someone else somewhere, sometime. it’s even worse with any kind of art. at least with writing i can appease myself. with art, i can’t even do that. graphic designer? i’m ready to scoff at myself. maybe there’s a reason i can’t find a job and shit.

being emotional sucks. i’ve always been kind of emotional, but not to the point of crying and breaking down sense. but i’ve been doing that relatively a lot. the other day i spent like an hour crying uncontrollably and the worst part is i don’t even know why i was.

when i think about it, i’m actually kind of considering going back to california (oh yeah, i did that last week too). i was opposed to the idea before, but i’m thinking now that i don’t have much left for me here. i don’t know, maybe i do, but it doesn’t feel like it. it’s so weak to want to go somewhere else to get rid of all the feelings, just because you don’t want to try anymore… but i dunno. i’ve no one to blame anything on except for myself. everything is the product of my pessimistic mind.

i’m racking my mind for things that are left for me here and not much comes up. i can probably only even count a handful of ‘friends,’ most of which are my current roommates, which kind of nullifies everything since that doesn’t equal going out or socializing more than television watching or shopping.

yeah, i should be looking for inspiration, but there’s nothing much left to inspire me. i’ve been trying. i’ve been reading a lot because that seems to be the most productive thing to do when you want to do nothing. i’ve been reading about politics… novels… whatever… and i’ve been doing a lot of writing because that’s the only thing that keeps me sane (esp thanks to my new typewriter!) — but asides from all that, there’s nothing new and refreshing, and nothing uplifting comes out of writing anyway.

i tried reading an adobe indesign book today and i found that i just don’t really care about getting better. it’d be nice to just fall off somewhere and forget about it all — to just live in the wilderness or something and HOPE that there’s something greater out there for even the worst of us, and that things really do work out for the best. but that’s why people believe in religion, right? and unfortunately, i don’t believe in religion. i think for this time in my life i am relying too much on having someone else save me. and herein is where the problem lies. i’ve always been self-subservient and haven’t looked to people for help too often, but i’m beginning to find the flaw of not being able to buckle and bend, and not knowing what it’s like to rely on someone for anything. people always let you down, it’s true - and i guess living an entire life knowing how much you can give and take instead of suddenly realizing it would be a lot easier.

girls always think too much about other people’s intentions, and i think i do too much of that just because there’s so much free time to allow that kind of thinking. i don’t want to be a drag, but i just want to feel wanted.

if it makes you less sad,
i will die by your hand.
i hope you wfind out what you want;
i already know what i am.
i’ll grow old –
start acting my age.
it’ll be a brand new day
in a life that you hate…
a crown of gold,
a heart that’s harder than stone.
and it hurts a whole lot,
but it’s missed when it’s gone.
call me a safe bet;
i’m betting i’m not.
glad that you can forgive –
only hoping that as time goes,
you can forget.
if it makes you less sad,
i’ll move out of the states.
you can keep to yourself…
i’ll keep out of your way.
and if it makes you less sad,
i’ll take your pictures all down.
every picture you paint;
i will paint myself out.
it’s cold as a tomb,
and it’s dark in your room
when i sneak to your bed
and pour salt on your wounds…
so call it quits,
or get a grip;
you said you wanted a solution…
you just wanted to be missed.
call me a safe bet;
i’m betting i’m not.
glad that you can forgive;
only hoping that as time goes,
you can forget.
you are the smell before rain…
you are the blood in my veins.
BRAND NEW - THE BOY WHO BLOCKED HIS OWN SHOT.