inside the wonderful world of vee

i’m listening to… new order, mogwai, dj dara.

3:08 am - last night at the ram was interesting. they make you wait so fucking long! we thought there’d be no one there cause it’s finals week, but there were more people than ever. farm and arlen flaked as usual, the motherfucking fuckers!!!

anyway. we played videogames AGAIN for a while afterwards (me, cynthia, alex, andy, and lenny) and lalalala. oh yeah the previous night was random movie-hangout-night with alex, lenny, and lewis, and we watched “ray” and the latter half of “thirteen.” both movies piss me the fuck off. i HATE watching movies where people are jackasses or just dickheads or just have fallen of the deep end. i can’t help it. it makes me angry that people can let themselves get so ridiculously out of control and that they can live without caring about anyone or anything (well i guess ray charles did care about things, but not so much about people). i just wonder if i am doing right or if i’m just fooling myself into thinking i am doing alright!

anyway, today i went with lenny to this vegetarian restaurant on 45th called araya’s. “the northwest’s first vegetarian thai restaurant,” it says. i don’t know if i believe that. the food was OK, even though it was pretty busy. i got a dish that i thought was cooked but it turned out to be straight vegetables. good thing the fucking peanut sauce they had was creamy ownage. good thing for them, that is, cause i woulda burnt the bitch place down!!!!!!!

interview friday with wiz kids games. probably interview one of… maybe four that i’ve applied to that i’ve actually wanted. the pay is pretty minimal (28k a year - it’s nothing). but it’s casual. and it’s chill. and they makes games. one of which is about pirates. how the fuck can it get better? it can’t. so if you pray, pray that i get it. this week is going to fly by. i know it. i need a fucking haircut. i really should have gotten one today!!!

i think i’m addicted to seeing my own writings. i wonder if i’m just really narcissistic or what…

i’m listening to… “american dad” on TV.

9:58 pm - this weekend was kinda interesting. on friday i went with lenny to one of his relative’s company picnic things. like 30% of the people there were part of his family. creepy. got to ride jetskis, and that was indeedly rad x2!!! it’s fun when you turn in circles and then ride your own wakes. at some point when lenny was driving i accidentally put my head down and almost broke my nose wewt. other people tried wakeboarding which i guess is really hard. really wanted to try, but oh well. :[ next time.

arlen stayed over our place this weekend cause farm was away @ um… a retreat being a counselor. with racist kids. but anyway.

anyways… nighttime was VIDEOGAME TIME. we went to mike [chang] / cynthia’s place and played a bunch of videogames. SO MANY VIDEOGAMES. it started out with mario kart and smash brothers on the game cube and then rotated to the NES for ridge racer, contra (beat that), and then the finale, ninja gaiden 2. basically who played was me, arlen, and mike’s sister’s boyfriend patrick (it was his game… he also had a POWERGLOVE!!). GOD THE NES IS FREAKING GLORIOUS. we played the game from 3am to 7:15am. by some point around 6:30 or so everyone else passed out and arlen and i continued playing… at some point we decided to give up because we thought we had won twice but in fact, we hadn’t… so we gave up on level 7-2, and it turns out 7-5 is the last fucking level. MOTHERFUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCK. ARHGOIHASIDOSHADOIASD.

last night was the same… videogames. arlen coming this over essentially equated to: sleep + 7-11 + videogames. every time we go to the 7-11 now the guy asks us if we’re buying hustlers because of that one day that we bought hustlers. ugh. yeahhhhh. last night was smash brothers and the zelda windwaker game… blahblahblah.

today i had to pick gareth up from the boat dock near my work because his friend’s boat broke down for the 2nd time or something lol. i had to drive them to mercer island, which is a lot further than i thought. he owes me! BIG TIME.

then i played tennis with erin (my boss). she managed to make every one of our 5 balls over the fence once.

then i attempted to go to the catwalk club to check out nural… since their publicist wanted me to see how they were. well, i got lost (i hate mapquest), and gave up because i didn’t really want to go in the first place anyway, but i can’t give up a free thing without a fight =/ and no one would go with me. i need some more friends who go to shows.

and now we’re going to the ram with farm, arlen, cynthia, lenny, alex, and andy [crossett]. a good percent of the ROOMMATES for next year - we’re only missing two (who lenny and cyn can replace). wewt.

some plane just crashed because it got depressurized. how creepy. someone sent another person a text message as the plane was crashing, and it said, “the cabin is unbearably cold. the pilots are unconscious. goodbye.” creepy.

i’m listening to… “malcolm in the middle”… god, i <3 this show.

2:27 pm - went to pdx this weekend for the portland zine symposium with arlen, farm, and lenny. zine makers are pretentious bitches, man. got ignored so very much!! :/ so many vegans. all of the above are annoying. after the shit, we went to camas to arlen’s (god i was tired!!!!)… camas is cool. there’s a bunch of shit that’s like stratified rock layers that look like they’d be great to climb. my god!

arlen’s house is nice! they got this dr. pepper mini-cooper remote-controlled car, and it was frickin sweet, especially since he had a hardwood floor that was perfect for it. ha ha ha ha. god, i love malcolm in the middle. anyway, we ate a shitload. ate a lot of pizza (they claimed over and over again that the pizza was sooo good but it was mediocre!!!), ate a lot more food, got some free food from his parents. watched a new kids on the block documentary and “back to the future,” which was frickin AWESOME!!!!! MUST… WATCH… #2.

also, i missed on talking about the most important parts…

THE BOY IN THE TREE IS FUCKING STUPID. IT’S A BUNCH OF STUMPS ON A TREE GIVE ME A BREAK.

the camas castle, is however neato. you can read about it in chuck palahniuk’s book, stranger than fiction.

i’m listening to… “fresh prince of bel-air” on nick @ night, garden state soundtrack.

10:01 pm - last night we returned to mike’s for an evening of drunkenness and craziness. it was relatively calm minus the drinking, being that i never drink… but it just seemed like a perfect time to get rid of my existence. how extreme, huh? i always hate when people drink to get rid of their problems or whatever, but how about that? that’s exactly what i felt like doing. so i did.

just drank a couple of mixed drinks and took like three shots. then at some point lenny wanted to go to qfc to buy a pie tin and some potato chips to burn in a pie tin… so me, lenny, ron, and jayson went… on the way we somehow got to talking about porn and someone had the idea about going to 7-11 to buy hustler. and i was like, “we should bring hustler around with us in qfc and read it aloud while walking around,” so everyone’s like, “OK! YEAH! LET’S GO BUY IT!” i bet the 7-11 guy loved it, because he used to always hit on liz / make comments to alex about girls he was with (including us).

then we went to my apartment because i wanted to grab a jacket, and while i was grabbing a jacket, the boys decided that they wanted to watch the pr0n. so we watched the pr0n. girls eating girls and guys doing girls, but it was all fairly boring.

finally we went to qfc and walked around for a while there, reading hustler aloud and shit. finally we were going to buy shit and i put the hustler with the cover up on the table, and lenny turned it over so that the naked guy on girl action was showing… and the cashier was not pleased, no no. no. when i couldn’t find the pen, he grabbed the mag and literally threw it aside. lmao.

yeah. and that’s that. we went back and everyone was like, “where the fuck were you guys? we thought you guys bailed.” i guess we were gone for like two hours or an hour and a half or something.

lalalala. today alex and i went swimming in the lake @ sandpoint’s warren g. magnuson park, and later jennie and chol and company showed up, and yup!! yup. that beach or whatever the fuck sucks. there’s huge rocks on the bottom. it fucking hurts to walk on. death, i tell you, death. also, the water makes your ears burn and there is a whole lotta ducky poopie. and that’s that… some more stuff, but yeah.

shit actually seems to be picking up with the publication. more people writing in about it. more people saying ok. more people buying ads. more people saying ok. i just wish i wasn’t doing all of the work, but i’m not fucking kidding - things come out best when you do them yourself. and it’s a fucking sad state of things, but what’re you gonna do?

call it my insecurity or a self-fulfilling prophecy. i’m beginning to wonder if it’s going to end just because i’m too scared for it to continue. i’ve never had the feeling of thinking something is so impossible to make work that you just can’t… i wonder if things are really that impossible anyway, or if everything is just a hopeless feeling i have that makes me think it’s impossible. how stupid. feelings are such a bizarre thing that i cannot even begin to understand or describe. i wonder if feelings should even be thought of logically or if they should just be swallowed up whole, no matter what the implications are. it’s hard to distinguish between what is good and what is bad, because something like this can feel so right and so wrong at the same time. i have definitely never felt like this before… and if things do end, i can only wonder if i’ll look back on this with regret or happiness.

who knows, though… there’s still time.

i’ve been down
and i’m wondering why
these little black clouds
keep walking around
with me.
it wastes time,
and i’d rather be high -
think i’ll walk me outside
and buy a rainbow smile,
but be free…
they’re all free.
i look around at a beautiful life,
been the upperside of down,
been the inside of out.
but we breathe…
we breathe.
i wanna breeze and an open mind.
i wanna swim in the ocean.
wanna take my time for me…
all me.
so maybe tomorrow…
i’ll find my way home.
STEREOPHONICS - MAYBE TOMORROW.

i’m listening to… explosions in the sky.

1:53 am - today i basically just ran some errands and went to mike [chang]’s for a bbq. we burned a lot of shit. made a potato chip bonfire on the table… played around with candlewax… and that is essentially all.

these days i feel like the only thing that is keeping me alive at all is artistic curiosity… just making things or drawing things is really the only crap that is keeping me sane. i feel little productivity and little movement on any level… i can’t sleep, so i’m drawing, even though i have a job interview down south @ 10:30… but i don’t care. i barely ever feel like drawing cause i think it’s lame, so this is something new.