inside the wonderful world of vee

i’m listening to… copeland.
i’m feeling… like shit.

11:56 pm — copeland is good. :/ i’m going nowhere.

went to berkeley today to visit sherry. saw tin-win. saw phil [nho]. conclusion: i am such a fucking misfit. seriously.

like… sherry and her roommate and her ex-roommate were there and they were just talking about like… throwing a formal black and white party… or looking up this male modeling site and rating the guys… and seriously like every other word is “cute”. i feel like i don’t really fit in anywhere. lol.

and i went to berkeley partially to drop off magazines too… and man… picked up a copy of skratch magazine for the first time… they feature a lot of the same bands as us, word. it’s actually not bad looking for a black and white newsprint publication. their interviews aren’t the most fantastically interesting, but whatever. i keep thinking how much easier this whole fucking thing would be if i really knew any people who were more passionate about any of the things i’m interested in. i don’t really know anyone who gives too much of a fuck ass about design, or art, or starving artists, or social issues, or underground bands, or whatever the fuck… at least not enough to dedicate their lives to it. sure they may be like, “oh i like this,” every once in a while, but wtf does that mean. and where does that get me? i don’t know a single musician. i don’t know a single artist. i know some people who have been in bands. i know some photographers and that’s about it, but it’s like a, “if i happen to get paid for photography, good…” not like, “i’m GOING to get paid for this.” the difference is huge.

what the fuck am i doing. really. i don’t even know. it’s fucking asiojdaiojotjioawe so fucking frustrating.

you know, and that’s really not even the only thing. it’s so fucking disappointing because some people say they’ll help and it’s always whatever. dude, maybe it’s “easy to say” from this perspective, but if i had a friend who was starting up a project, i’d fucking help. like it’s really that hard. like you really have that much to do. most people i know barely go to school and don’t work.

but i guess i won’t ever know, because i DON’T know anyone who’s starting shit. people i know take as much initiative as a fucking pile of bricks. none, that is. and maybe that’s part of what is so frustrating, that so many people are so fucking content with living in a preordained 9 to 5 slave system, and not at all interested in rearranging it or creating it for themselves. and it’s not everyone. obviously, it’s not, or new companies would never be created. but why don’t i know any of them? the only one i know with any entrepreneurial spirit is mr. brian [pearl], and MAYBE my brother, but all of his ideas are like fucking illegal and shit. and all he has are ideas anyway.

this is pretty much like the hardest thing i’ve ever had to do, and seriously, if it doesn’t start going somewhere soon, i’m just going to have to bust a cap. serial.

people tell me to move back to california. my mom told me to work for the city of pleasanton (note: the city of pleasanton is barely a city at all) because they had job openings. HAHAHAH give me a fucking break. going to college to work for someone as a fucking secretary or something. you’ve got to be kidding me. i’m looking for fun. a good fucking time. job security is important. somewhat. i guess. but i’d rather just have the experience. i’m not my brother. he slaves away like 50 hours a week working for some fucking corporation, just hoping that he can move on up and make some money. fuck that. i want to work for myself. fuck working like an imbecile for a bunch of money-grubbing bastards. there’s so much more to life than hating your job and trying to get that next paycheck just so you can buy a bigger and better car.

seriously, i don’t even care anymore. i don’t even give a shit.

anyway. psh. i saw the movie “city of god” @ sherry’s place. it was a brazilian movie. about gang wars in rio de janeiro. not the best story, but amazing. ama-fucking-zing cinematography. definitely one of the best shot films i’ve ever seen. it’s subtitled… in portuguese originally, but it’s funny cause the translations kept complimenting people by saying, “damn, he sure is cool!” it’s just funny to read. iono.

(jen the german guy’s response:)
hey viv hang in there!…n I dunn think u r a misfit! I got much respect for u trying to start this thing up!…I dunn noe if I could eva take on starting up a mag by myself…
n I’m really impressed by how good especially ur printed mag turned out!

so, huh nobodies helpin?…well u learned a lesson there…on how ppl really r.
Forget dem loooosers…n whateva they be telling u….U R way ahead of ‘em!

BTW…heres another important lesson….NEVER ask ppl for advice about business…or whatevea subject matter…if they dunn have NO experience in that field by themselves….they will always be naysayers neways….n later on be smartasses n be like…”see told u so”!….ESPECIALLY if your plan dunn werk out….so dunn take advice n be listening to pppl who dunn noe what they r talking about!

Oh yeah n that includes your parents, too!…while I talk to my dad bout business all the time…I got my entrepreneurial spirit from him …I neva talk to my mom bout ne “projects” or businesses I do or I plan…shes juss the naysayer type….So I just do it n that’s that….dunn deal.

N yeah….ppl be stooooopid…I totally agree with u…that werkin for someone else is a waste of time!…PPL r IDIOTZ for NOT living n CREATING(!) their own lives…werking for someone else…n taking it up the azz from ur boss…(hey unlike U like taking it up the azz….hahahahaha)……

>”so many people are so fucking content with living in a preordained 9 to 5 slave system”
……well I have a couple of words for them…I call them “lil ants”…cuz that what they r!!!…n I also call them…”lil wheels”…cuz they keep the corporate machine running….n thats all they r….or CHOOSE to be!!!….ahahahaa

n yeah neways too many ppl r juss like that…N they always be thinking they wanna get their paycheck every week or month…n yeah it better be on time…so they can go shoppin n take it to the mall…or buy some new widget for their stoopad ride…I dunn noe why so many ppl here LIVE through their stuff…I mean stuff becomes them…n they r like a NOBODY without it….cars, clothes, cell phones…whateva….yeah maybe ppl juss like to hide behind stuff like that.
PPL juss dunn see in this country that theres MORE to life than that….n U can’t take all that shiat with u when U die!

Neways Viv, dunn think ur opinion bout this is wrong….CUZ U R SOO RIGHT VIV!….n that’s why I LUV U, LUV U, LUV U!…ahahaha

Newayz yeah I neva werked for nebody but MYSELF…well except once when I first came here n really needed the cash…neways…sometimes things have been tough…( talk bout starvin artists…haha…how bout starving entrepreneurs for a change)?….but U juss gotta hang in here n believe in yourself……n even if shit dunn werk out…just keep going….u just gotta keep moving ahead…be like a ’stand up doll’….keep getting up even when U get knocked on ur azz…well I’m like that….n U should be too…learn from ur mistakes and improve ….n eventually U be successful!

> but i guess i won’t ever know, because i DON’T know anyone who’s starting shit.

…hey that’s not true…U noe me…well sort of…but I neva told u …cuz I dunn usually tell this…but I DID start over 40 projects…ventures….money makin deals…businesses b4…n maybe even more…but I stopped counting…seriously…but hey it’s juss a number. So HEY dunn feel so alone…cuz ur not.

ciao,
u noe who

P.S. Oh yeah I wanted to watch that movie bout rio b4 too…I’m gonna now….hope it’ll blow me away with that cinematography on my 70 inch.
(my response:)
70 inch, wtf, you freak! thanks for the nice msg… 40 projects huh. you’re crazy!

i’m listening to… “the energy” by audiovent, “crying” by nanase aikawa, “mother’s prayer” by mest, “the river” by tapping the vein, “you’re gone” by something corporate.
i’m feeling… like shit.

11:16 am — aaah i got surgery yesterday for my huge cyst and now i am hurting all over. yesterday was okay but today breathing is hella weird. my lungs hurt… and my shoulders. i dunno why. +__+ i’m taking endocet as a painkiller… i think i’m going to stop though, i don’t think it’s painful enough to warrant taking painkillers… +__+

my mom keeps feeding me although i’m not hungry and (haven’t really pooped yet). +__+ but that’s how asian parents are i guess - feeding non-stop. always.

yesterday i got to the hospital and after a while my anesthesiologist injected my IV with some knock-out shit, and he was like, “this will make you a little tired,” and i remember talking to him a teeny bit about high school, and then i just straight passed out. and then i woke up in some ward with a bunch of other passed out people, and the lady next to me needed a translator… but they couldn’t find one… i hella wanted to jump in and i was like translating rudimentary spanish in my head (i’m crazy).

ahhh i feel so gross. anyway, i got wheeled out of the hospital in a wheelchair, so that was fun! since then though, i’ve just been eating, reading, sleeping, and chatting, pretty much. much like normal life, but half the movement! it’s weird having people help you up and stuff lol i feel so worthless~! mahhh bathroominnnnnnyyyggg.

oh yeah and my mom ran into my neighbor’s car yesterday when she was parking my car, and she refuses to leave a note, although it COULDN’T be anyone else. what an ass. =__=

and i have a hypothesis about why it feels like there is gas gurgling around inside me or something… i think the cyst took up so much space that now there’s all this extra room and everything is just all moving around inside. makes me feel gross to think about, but that’s seriously what it feels like what i move around X__X

i’m listening to… “flying high” by jem, “cambodia” by team sleep, “from the vapor of gasoline” by the mercury program, “medicated lungs” by hot rod circuit, “king diamond” by team sleep, “fastest way through the south” by the mercury program…
i’m feeling… alright

12:47 am — all day today i’ve been working on a bunch of art projects i have… i’m going to try to turn them in before the due date so that i can get surgified and be happy and shit (happy? what?)

i guess a lot of shit has been happening. off and on. on and off. friday night a bunch of people came over, and we watched “poltergeist” and this other movie we randomly picked called “final examination”. we were looking for scary movies as far as final examination goes, but yeaaah. the cover line for the movie was, “you fail, you die!” so we thought, it’s gotta be cheezy bad! and it was, more towards the second half of the movie, but the first half of the movie was like a giant softcore pron. :[ should have gone with the vampire movie i wanted originally. it WAS my decision after all, cause i paid for it. but nOo i had to go for the doubtful one. X: oh well!! fauk! and it was like $8.50 fucking movies are expensive man, WTFz0r.

and bitches who come over to our apartment omg. jeff spilled some soju shit on the ground and he didn’t even wipe it up. fucking piss me off. no respect at all. :[ lenny ended up cleaning it up >__< he’s too good >__< so yeah we talked yesterday and ummm i just asked him if he likes me. and he does.and he asked me if i liked him. and i said i don’t… i did for a little bit… i don’t know why, it just always comes and goes so fast… it’s just how i am… i’m just some broken down person who finds it impossible to be with anyone. :/ i want a boyfriend so bad but it’s so hard to find anyone that i can actually like and be interested in… i’m so broken. alex said it and it’s a line that has just stuck in my head forever… :/ i don’t know that i’ll ever heal. someday maybe i’ll meet someone who can help save me. even though i’m the one that claims people always need to save themselves… but still… i just need someone strong, not like the people who end up liking me, who bend to be like me, or bend to impress me. i want someone who has his own opinions and we can compromise. :/ i’m not that strong! i really think it is because of what phil did to me. how can someone i know so well hurt me so bad? that’s probably why i’m so drawn to strangers and people i don’t know… so much more so than people i do know. fuck. i’m so stressed out. i just want to fall in love. like really. and understand it. and be accepted. and love. like normal people can. i just need to fix myself. and fix my mind.

anyway. so that night. fucking nate [davis] got drunk and decides it’s a good idea to pull the pin for the fire extinguisher although i guess people told him not to. and he set off the fire extinguisher alarm shit. doomass to the fucking max dood. so now there’s signs up all over nordheim saying, “IF YOU KNOW WHO THIS PERSON IS, TELL US!” and shit like, “if you fuck with the elevator signs and vandalize and steal fire extinguishers, you can be evicted and possibly suspended from uw permanently”… fucking shit man. so hopefully we don’t get in trouble. this shit is so fucked up.

anyway yesterday i went to odg with liz and scanned some shit for my assignment, and tony [cordova] was there, so i managed to talk to him for a while. it’s always nice to see him and talk to him. i really think that up til now he is just one of two people i’ve really liked… him and josh… everyone else i’ve liked is just kind of whatevers - i thought i really liked them, but it was all superficial… that or i never got the chance to really find out. but i guess in these cases… the obsession or whatever was so long-lasting that… i don’t even know. but then i get turned off of people so easily… after i find out who some people i know “truly” are (as in tony’s case, after he got with the crazy girl), i don’t even know that i really knew who they were in the first place. :/

yeah i almost left liz @ the library, though, cause i couldn’t find her since she was wearing red before she got there and she put on a white sweatshirt since she was cold. and then yeah.

afterwards, we went to safeway to buy some groceries and shit for hojo’s bbq, and there were no shopping carts, so i was like, “donde estan los cartos!” and some lady actually responded with, “no estan!” and i was like X:

@ hojo’s bbq, i played a ton of “katamari damacy,” this playstation2 game… what you do is have this giant ball, and you can roll into whatever you run into… cept what you can roll up gets bigger and bigger as your ball gets bigger and bigger. at first you roll up insects and flowers and stuff, but later, you roll up shopping carts, people, cows, and then buildings, cars, skyscrapers, bridges, godzillas, giant power rangers… then clouds, volcanoes… and then one cloud has a god on top of it can you say awesome!!! i can!!! and in the end, during the credits, you try to roll up as many countries as possible by going around a globe… you of course have to roll up the little ones first and then the bigger ones, but it’s hard because you don’t quite know which continent is where, and as you play, the globe starts moving further and further away so soon you cant really see crap and stuff. and yeah. it’s grand.

i’m listening to... the movie “waking life” while eating a really salty subway sammich..
i’m feeling… KKK.

12:16 pm — went to see this japanese punk show yesterday with hojo, koji, and gareth - guitar wolf. it was umm crazy. haven’t been to a punk show in so long. it’s so rowdy. lol. much being pushed around into other people. yay. chop suey has the worst ventilation ever. i was like dying of secondhand smoke after the show. felt so sick. x; should have worn my sars mask.

when their set first started some guy was like… OK GET ON MY SHOULDERS. so i was like uhhhhhh whatever, okay. it was okay, but kind of scary ha. i FEAR the heights. but it was cool - not sure if the pic i took for g came out - his phone is confr00zage.

towards the end they had two encores i guess. after the second encore some guy like literally pulled the guitarist off the stage lol. they had some kid come up to play the guitar, and i guess he was screaming like, “JONATHANNN!” into the mic. and he was asking, “which mountain is tallest in washington?” and people couldn’t understand him, and they were just like “YEAAAAAAAHHHHHH! ROCK AND ROLL!!!” instead of answering his question. lol. and sometime during the set i guess someone knocked over the fire extinguisher and it was like hella hard to breathe. and smelled weird! i thought it was a stink bomb or something but neg! so everyone like vacated to the back of the room and around then they ended their first time. and then two more to come. etc.

during their second encore this other guy asked me if i wanted to sit on his shoulders but he was ubar creepy. he like… touched every girl that walked by him and kept staring at me. creep! rawr!

it was a good though. very different from usual.

then i went home and arlen, farm, lenny, and mike were in our living room, although everyone who “lived” in the apartment had gone to bed lol. -__-” huk. and i think we woke eva up. -__-” but man, i <3 capcom vs. snk!!!

man, i have many projects to do. speaking of video games, @ cynthia’s the other night (after going to the finn mccool’s to watch bitches karaoke like pain), we played contra yayyyy! and mario 2, which i sucked @ hardcore… i don’t think i ever played that one much. it just isn’t a MARIO to me. :X

oh yeah i never mentioned before but last time me and mike went to andy’s, we picked up hitchhikers! win! granted we only drove them like half a mile but NEVERTHELESS. yey. win.

oh yeah and me and andy went to get haircuts @ rudy’s… good thing jeanette was a good guinea pig…!! they were g00t.

i’m listening to… armor for sleep.
i’m feeling… KKK.

11:56 pm — i have discovered the most awesome game. hojo has it. it’s for ps2. some japanesey game called katagami ? something. you get a giant ball to roll around. and you pick up everything in the universe with it, until your ball gets bigger and bigger. it’s umm… awesome? :0

went to trivia night @ dante’s tonight… was pretty fun. lots of talk about old nickelodeon shows. what? legend of the forbidden temple? guts? winning a “glowing piece of the agro-crag?” double dare? nick-arcade? hey dude? can we say nick was genius? wtf happened?

anyway, we came in like 4th place. i never contribute anything to trivia night really, because i don’t know anything but it’s okay, it’s still pretty fun somehow.

went out to dinner tonight with like 20 people for hsu-ken’s birthday… the fOol is old!!! it was pretty fun though - went to hosoonyi’s and ate a SHITLOAD of food. holy crap. and his mom paid for everything. so that was pretty ummm awesome - stuffing selves to the point of explosion with awesome korean food, and for FREE. w00ty w00t w00t.

and um, i have discovered the most awesome website on the face of the planet: http://www.nationalgeographic.com/channel/highspeed/news.html — yeah i’ve been pretty much watching it off and on all day.

ever since my fucking ultrasound, i just feel hella weird and off balance. it’s all mental, i’m sure, but ARGGHHHHH. i HATE thinking about internal organs. it drives me wacko.

i’m listening to… christian talk radio.
i’m feeling… KKK.

8:49 am — for once i wake up to sun. JYES.

to recapz0r… things that have happened since last post…
[01] started waking up to christian talk radio. just to see what they say. the things they say are frickin ridiculous. no examples as of now, but they always say stuff like, “THIS IS A VICTORY FOR LEFT WING AMERICA” and shit like that. and they cut off whoever calls in and stuff… it’s quite am00ze.
[02] decided to say, “fuck it,” to art institute… i like it, somewhat, but i don’t feel like i’m learning enough to justify spending $5,400 a quarter and shit. i’m just going to try getting a job or something. yaaay maybe that means i don’t have to go to the rest of the quarter for the shitty ass classes!!! that’d rock. if anything, what art institute allows me to do is utilize abilities i may have, but it doesn’t really TEACH me anything persay. it’s just that i never try to do stuff when i’m not contracted to do it. :/ so if anyone needs stuff designed, hollar.
[03] eva’s mom came at one point and we had a bunch of people over and we were being really loud and we made her mad X: :[
[04] drama.
[05] interviewed tom from the plain white t’s. take action tour was whatever. it was… okay.
[06] a lot of smash brothers.
[07] watched “saw”… very fucked up movie in the beginning, but not nearly as fucked up towards the end, and hence not as good. but quite am00ze. watching scary movies… “scary” movies in big groups is fun. not as fun as harrassing solely liz during scary movies, but nevertheless.
[08] decided i’m going to go speeddating with my boss. why not?
[09] got an ultrasound, which hurt less than i had expected, buttttttt… yeah, i guess my ovarian cyst is almost so huge that the lady initially confused it with my bladder. X__x btw, fuck uw medicine, they never solve shit.
[10] my whole apartment (well sort of, namely eva, ray, and liz) got mono or some shit. WTF :0
[11] conclusion: out of ray’s dogs, bear > koko… 800,000x. bear’s my homie.
[12] mike drooled over my bedsheets, so i took them all and burned them, and now i don’t have bedsheets. partly true.
[13] went to see gatsby’s american dream. they were ALRIGHT. i actually liked the opening band, fall of troy, a lot better. this trip resulted in me realizing i lost my snowboarding advantage card and my driver’s liscense last time i went snowboarding, as well as probably some cash :X lenny drove me home during circa survive’s set to see if my ID was there, but it was nowhere to be found. oh well. at least - out of this trip - i got to play some contra @ cynthia’s.
[14] the magazine is a pain in the ass. oh wait, that’s not new. -__- fuckers.