inside the wonderful world of vee

i’m listening to… — “punk” bai ferry cortson [trance], “falling” bai liquid state featuring marcella woo [trance], “desolate plains” bai orion and math [drum’n'bass], “without me” bai eminem [rap] <~ this song makes me bob. -__-;
i feel… — sigh… -__-; HOT cause it’s so freakking hot outside, godammit.

unga bunga. heh.

11:19 am — dude! i got freaking robbed! >__< i got a 92 on my sociology paper… but then i got -8 on it because i used books that weren’t listed… since i couldn’t find the ones that WERE listed… ah, gayness. >__< freaking got an 84… i actually NEED that 8 points too! *grumble grumble. >__< to make it worse it’s all freaking hot today and it makes me cranky. -=P i hate hot weather… bOo! >__< so twas talking to richard [lee] (not the uw one) and he said that cali is like 80 degrees normally and 100 degrees highest… HUK!!! i’m freaking dying here and it’s not even that hot… cali is going to be death to the max. -__-;; dude… that’s sad. i have concluded the reason for my being so hot is the extra flab hanging off of my body >__<

3:55 pm — packing is a bitch. -__- i’ve been doing it all afternoon huk. blah. i can’t help but feel like i’m going to regret something. -__-;; bleh… i still have to do laundry. bleh x 2. -__- i have way too much shit. don’t know how i will manage to move everything T__T ah… regret, regret. that’s it… telling him next time i talk to him. knowing me, this won’t happen, but it’s a goal i would like to follow through with. -__-; hopefully things will be the same…? cause if so, it will be worth it. if not… then i’ll punch myself. like in “fight club”. -__-;; i’m not a risk taker… but if i don’t, i think i’ll have very much regret. -__-; if i believed in fate, i would say, whatevers… but i don’t. so… in my world, things won’t always work nicely. gotta take a chance, gotta take a chance. actually… must be next time i see him. because i know he prefers some things being said face-to-face and i assume that this is one of those things. who knows when that will be… though. -__- heh. how obvious. but then again… twould be a little embarrassing. -__-; hmm pride-hurting vs. risk-taking… blah. -__-;; uh huh! phil [hsieh] (bbin) asked me if it was rejection i was scared of… nope… that’s what it is! i’m afraid of looking super… vunerable. -__-; cause if he knows, then he knows all the stuff i’ve said about him…? -__-;; but who cares, right? pride is fixable… lost opportunities aren’t. hmm… good philosophy. perhaps i shall keep it in mind. but then i think… god, i’m so freaking obvious about it… any more obvious i would be screaming it in his face. =P okay, maybe not that extreme, but if he knows and he doesn’t care enough to do anything about it, then perhaps he just doesn’t like me that way -__-; *mind going around in circles*. but then people say guys are dense. but i think he would / should know by now. hukimajity. i need a break. i can’t wait to go home. =P

turn me inside out, make my heart speak
don’t want nobody else, you’re all i need
personality in everything you do
makes me love everything bout you
your smile, your style, so fly, i can’t deny
i got a crush on you and that’s true indeed
i’m diggin you, you’re makin me believe
* AALIYAH - ONE IN A MILLION *
sigh… too bad she’s dead >__< and believe in what? blah… i doooon’t knooooow.

i’m listening to… — “can you help me?” bai usher [r&b], “echo” bai incubus [rock]
i feel… — okay.

9:09 pm — hmm… telling people you like them… bad idea or good idea? -__-; my last final is tomorrow. bout time. and then it is working on packing and moving out on friday night… and all that (not-so) good ish. =T back to cali on saturday… i can’t wait to drive again >__< although it’s only for a little more than a week. sadness. dude… i thought nyquil with the talking Q was supposed to make you sleep better… last night i took it and tried going to sleep but i seriously could not sleep… it was like i was asleep physically but my mind was awake… fucking weird man. -__-;

to buy when i go home:
- new discman since i broke mine
- incubus’ “morning view” cd since i cracked it
- clothes
and other goodies.

this song… is a beauty. i cannot get it out of my head. >__< i must have listened to it like ten times today. the first verse (below)… is a freaking beauty. it’s so freaking romantic but so not cheesy. beauty, beauty, beauty, if ever there were a more suitable word for it.

there’s something about the look in your eyes
something i noticed when the light was just right
it reminded me twice that i was alive
and it reminded me that you’re so worth the fight
my biggest fear will be the rescue of me
strange how it turns out that way
could you show me dear, something i’ve not seen?
something infinitely interesting…
* INCUBUS - ECHO *
ps — happy birthday to the t-dubb. =) freaking 19… you old fart! and the seattle busses will miss you.

i’m listening to… — “youngwon” bai fin’kl [korean], “second chances” bai michelle branch [rock], “loving you” bai one voice [r&b], “promise” bai jagged edge [r&b], “little black backpack” bai stroke 9 [rock], “seupeun sarang” bai g.o.d. [korean], “ta een” bai young turks club [korean], “diamond dust” bai himuro kyosuke [japanese], “innocent” bai fuel [rock], “screaming infidelities” bai dashboard confessional [rock], “velvet glove iron fist” bai blood of abraham [rap], “yume wo kasanete” bai s.e.s. [japanese]
i feel… — good. (dunadunadunadun!)

4:49 am — so the uw lambda lil sis are going to start another asian sorority here… am i going to join? definitely not… starting a sorority takes a lot of work, yo. besides, jeanette said if i ever joined a sorority she’d get a tattoo of her butt on her face and we don’t want that now. =)

7:36 am — stupid son of a bum (seungbum)… gimee back all my freaking candi you mofoberry grrrr… >__< huk i wanna watch “fushigi yuugi” >__< i miss watching anime. and dammit, serey still has my “vision of escaflowne” and kevin still has my coco vcd’s… grrrr… agh… never lending people stuff again -__-; freaking mofoberries. yes, that’s right, mofoberries. what are they you ask? *in homer simpson voice* i doooon’t knoooooow. and yes! homer DOES say that in the simpsons, dammit. me and eva’s room next year is going to be bizzity bomb i tell you. and this drawing here! this is ALSO the bizzity bomb. i SHALL have this i tell you. i shall, i shall >__< there’s others here. and look, i tell you. if you don’t, kshhhh. -__-; since that’s such a bad consequence and all. well just look. cause it’s cool if you have half a brain. i realize i am making little sense but you must excuse me since i have been studying since 4:30 after getting two hours of sleep. ugh bleh… it shall all be over soon! and a week and a half of relaxation, good food, and car possession in boring ass cali awaits. ^__^ and duuuude i need (crave? -__-) to go to a rock concert. man, garbage concert would have been cool… too bad i don’t know anyone who like(d/s) garbage. oh yeah my usher and garbage posters finally came a coulpe days ago… woop woop! free posters. sorta. you only have to pay for shipping and handling. tiziiiiiiite. ^__^ if you want, click here. man. today must just be link day or something! anyways… dude… it’s so weird man. i miss having white friends O.o;; i am not friends with any white people anymore i don’t think. i can think of like one, but i don’t even talk to him that much either. that’s fucking sad. -__-; *sniff… i miss my white people. -__-;

6:24 pm — so i fucking bombed my chinese final. -__- it was so freaking hard dude… and i just pulled up blanks for so many words… and then i dropped my pen and the tip got all fucked up and i couldn’t write good either so i had to borrow one… bleh… i did so bad. i’ll be LUCKY to pull 2.5 in chinese. yes, that’s right. fucking sad. this summer i’ll do bomb. yes… yes i shall. -__-; i applied for a job for the daily… designing their advertisements. i hope i get it… i think it’d be the perfect job for right now… twenty hours a week… has to do with journalism… is fun… -__- i really hope i do… blah. T__T hmm… yeah. eh… i redesigned the lambda lil sis asianavenue website… tell me what you think, no?

2:26 am — =) just got home from esther / carolynn / andrea’s apartment. hmmm earlier tonight we went to go get bubble tea at episodes… and then we ate a little and rented “the mothman prophecies” and “the exorcist”. yes yes never seen “the exorcist” before… should have watched that instead because “the mothman prophecies” was pretty eh although it was interesting. and very artistic in its camera angle usage and effects and what not, but perhaps that was just because i was / am hizigh. yes, smoked again. heh. only took one hit and hotboxed a little though but i actually am still pretty high for some odd reason. weird yo. ow to the throat. fucking my roommate left open the window and now i have so many fucking bugs in here i swear i just killed like twenty… no exaggeration really… -__- though i must say i am muthafucking bug catching freaking pro now dude i can kill them with paper, with tape, with water you name it! woo… pretty fucking gross. i have graveyard of bugs. -__- sticky icky icky. funny. i wasn’t paranoid watching movie but all these flying fuckers are making me horribly paranoid delusional ahhhhhh >__< dude. on the way back from wendy’s to esther’s me, chol, josh, seungbum had weird talk about sex and all that stuff heh. twas interesting. -__-; ah yes heh… i went into episodes bubble tea and was so used to working at yunnie’s that when the price on the register came up i told the guy $5.75 although i was the customer -__-;;;

honesty or mystery? tell me, i’m not scared anymore. say anything you want; i’m not scared anymore. want something else? just tell me. i got no secret purpose; i don’t seem obvious… do i? i’m here… that means something, doesn’t it? won’t you dance with me a little? you don’t notice; i guess the music is too loud.
* JIMMY EAT WORLD - THE AUTHORITY SONG *
fitting. unbelievably fitting. man, i freaking LOVE jimmy eat world. beautiful music (so diverse)… and beautiful lyrics… man… they’re fucking bomb!!!!ayo, it’s poinson, ecstacy, coke. you say it’s love; it is poison. schools where i learned they should be burned; it is poison. physicians prescripting us medicine which is poison. doctors injecting our infants with the poison. religion misunderstood is poison. niggas up in my hood be getting shot giving poison. in hospitals, shots rittle the block. little children and elderly women run for their lives; drizzling rain comes out the sky every time somebody dies. must be out of my fucking mind; what is this? the hundreth time? sending flowers to funerals, reading rest in peace. you know the usual; death comes in threes. life is short is what some nigga said. not if you measure life by how one lives and what he did. sisters up in my hood trying to do good given choices. when pregnant, drop out of school or have abortions. stop working, hoping that they can find a man that will support them. up late night on they mother’s cordless, thinking a perm or bleaching cream will make better when they gorgeous. white girls tanning, lypo-suction, fake titties are implants, fake lips that life destruction. the chinamen built the railroad; the indians saved the pilgrim and in return the pilgrim killed him. they call it thanksgiving; i call your holiday hellday cause i’m from poverty, neglected by the wealthy.
* NAS - WHAT GOES AROUND *
more yum lyriks… nas… also muthafucking bomb. ahhhhhhh music is too great. =)

i’m listening to… — “my sundown” bai jimmy eat world [rock], “qing fei de yi” bai harlem yu [mandarin], “i turn to you” bai christina aguilera [r&b], “the authority song” bai jimmy eat world [rock], “somewhere out there” bai our lady peace [rock]
i’m feeling… a little disheartened.
i’m hella diggin… sleep and “courage” bai alien ant farm… >__<

1:27 pm — i’ll tell you what i would like. i would like it if people could just be straight-out with each other about everything. i suppose it’s not very possible, but… twould be nice. like… if i annoy you… tell me that godammit, vivian, you’re bugging the shit out of me (i think seungbum is the only person who actually told me that straight out… it’s actually nice i suppose -__-;;). if you like me… tell me that godammit, because i really don’t care. if you are a homeboy or whatever, it still doesn’t really matter because i am not one of those people that gets all squeamish if a guy likes me (unless it is someone i barely know and would enjoy not being around anyways)… in which case it is just an excuse to stop talking to him. puhaha. -__-;; but yeah… stupid chol and josh played a trick on me again yesterday… chol was like… “vivian, i’ve discovered that i like you! everyone in down krew knows this!” and so i asked josh and he’s like, “what? you didn’t know?” stupid gay boys. -__-;; i was just like, “oh. wow.” heh. mean, mean joke!! that’s the second time that has happened to me! -__-; i am just a target of fucked-up jokes, i say! -__-; oh well. sadness. i have crazy amounts of korkorkorean homework today. -__-; psycho teachers. dude… and my korean sunsaengnim who wears the same outfit everyday (black shirt, black pants, black boots) wore a blue shirt and khakis today! we were all like =O ~ twas super weird. ah well… >__< time for my insomniatic ass to try to take a nap.

12:41 am — dude… it’s like 1o5 degrees back at home. makes me not want to go back. i hate the heat. -__-; i am / was thinking about getting a tattoo… of stars… maybe moon, on back of the neck… except then jeremy was like, “it’s going to get all wrinkly and be covered by christmas tree hair (haha) when you’re old” so i don’t know, kind of giving it second thoughts even though i wasn’t extremely serious about considering it. oh well. actually, i really want one on my hand, but that’s not too good i suppose. oh, whatevers. it’s so godamm hot in my room… like a motherfucking sauns or something… >__< and i don’t know if i should turn on my fan because it is freaking loud and my roommate is sleeping -__-; i’m so in the mood to bitch… about a million things that seem so easy to bitch about. i broke my camera today… i broke the zoom part of it so basically it is just one fancy disposable camera -__-; ugh. stupid. now i need to buy a new one… again!

this guy at work got me so irritated today because he came in and ordered a yunnie milk tea and i asked him if he wanted tapioca and he was like, “no i don’t want that.” and then when i gave him the drink without tapioca, he got all bitchy at me and said, “if i didn’t want those, i would have just gone to starbucks.” stupid ho. and i’m like, “okay… if you just give me forty-four cents, i will just put it in a sealed cup and add tapioca.” and he’s like, “i don’t have time for this!” and i’m like, “it will only take a second.” and he demanded a refund because we did not work up to his expectations or something… stupid fat hobag. -__- i was already in bad mood so it was super irritating… -__- but eh whatevers… dude… linda’s restaurant sakura teriyaki got a eclipse crashed into it… i guess the driver was turning and lost control and slammed into their store… craziness. that sucks much butt, yo. blah. whatever. my gums hurt. -__-; i think my wisdom teeth are coming out but i may be wrong. do wisdom teeth hurt when they come out? -__-; whatevers… bye.

2:23 am — ah!!! i got it. forget the back of the neck… i’m going to get a little tiny star between thumb and index finger ^__^ fo shizzo… i think it’d be small enough and in a spot where no one would really notice… wOoha! opinions, anyone? heh. i go study. or sleep. so i can wake up to study. -__-; peazzies.

(xinlei’s response:)
a tattoo like in the cell! haha claires confused entry made me laugh very hard because i can picture her scratching her head and blinking confuzzedly. muahahahaha. aiyoo i have to pack bye bye

i’m listening to… — “best kind of love” bai coco lee [mandarin], “hold me in your arms” bai sylver [trance], “something” bai lasgo [trance] <~ these last two songs are exactly the same vocals… so i’m comparing =T
i feel… — okay.

june 8th — hehe. fairly boring day in the beginning… didn’t find anything to really do until eh like nine at night. hahahOoha! -__-; a bunch of us ended up drinking and / or smoking… and i think chol was the only one who didn’t do anything at all. he kept trippin me out though -__-;;; hella hella when i was high… -__-; we smoked two fat blunts (well i only smoked one cause it like… killed my lungs and i was coughing forever… so i finally know how to use the term “lyke whoa!” i think… i have phlegm lyke whoa! for real… -__-;;). i should stop smoking so much bleh… me and my i’m-not-even-a-smoker-smoker’s lungs. fackin sucks haha. my body is weak sauce! T__T; twas an interesting nightio. hmm what were the highlights… well the first part was kind of a blur… oh yes… we ended up talking to this random white foolio… a couple of them actually… and one of them… his other two friends just like… keep dissin on him! so sad… like they introduced themselves and were like, “that’s kevin well, you don’t need to talk to him because he has a small pecker” or something… heh. and then they call him a deaf dwarf… huk haha -__-;; how mean. anyway this other guy chris… bleh… he was hella fucking drunk and slurring his words and stuff… and he sat next to me and just kept talking… and talking… and talking… -__-;;;;;;;;; (; x 100) haha god, i forreal hate guys who just talk… and talk… and talk… -__-;; he was talking about the alaskan pipeline and how beautiful it was or something… but he kept repeating the same stuff and ack… -__-; i swear guys who talk too much always talk to me. -__-; wo bu xi huan. anyways, that guy ended up puking all over the place… yuk. i’m glad i’ve never drunken (drunken?) to that point. it seems so super not fun. -__-;; i drank little… really little… and only got a little buzzed. twas whatevers. drinking is eh. effect is OK only and the actual act of drinking is super pOopy. i don’t know what else was interesting. heh. clusters are cool. everyone is hella noisy til hella late at night and no one cares all that much. that’s super cool. ^__^ glad i’m living in mcmahon next year. twill (hehheh) be fun. ^__^

june 9th — work sucks! =P jessica came with me to work today though. hehheh. make her notice the horrible-ness (hairy boar-ness) of working at yunnie’s. puhahahahOoha! i’m faggin hyper.

i’m listening to… — “nothing’s gonna stop us now” bai the starting line [punk], “watching you” bai eye [trance], “nothing in this world” bai keke wyatt [r&b], “jiu meng” bai julia peng [mandarin], “dreamscape” bai j-dado [trance], “say it” bai voices of theory [r&b], “club exit 2001″ bai dj tiesto [trance], “amber” bai 311 [rock], “the phoenix” bai rascal + klone [drum’n'bass]
i feel… — okay.

1:03 pm — heh… so… weird. okay, i guess i was really stoned yesterday cause everything is more of a blur than i thought it was. dude! haha i almost got hit by a car yesterday! -__-;;; i think i don’t remember a lot of stuff cause like my eyes were closed a lot of the time? i think? who knows. so apparently chol says he saw something i swear i did not do, but then i’m wondering if i really did and i just don’t remember or he saw wrong. huk. -__-; dude hehe cool… i got the seattle times sent to my door two days in a row… comics! =) i’ve missed so much! i lava foxtrot so much ^__^

4:37 am — wah, i really should get some sleep but i’m having interesting conversations with everyone… very interesting, very interesting. except this one conversation… nothing makes sense in it or connects and i am completely and utterly confused and it just sounds like a bunch of bullshit to me and is really… bad. bullshit that like… if it were used on a term paper or something, the term paper would get an F- kinda bullshit. makes no sense, but i nod and smile in an online way. heh. O_o;; but the conversation with hyun… damn… interesting. amazingly interesting. hyun is fucking awesome! my homie i met at freak night. hopefully he’s stalking my journal this time. =) haha okay like he said… mostly him talking and me reading. i guess that’s how it always is for me. i read / listen more cause i am boring and i never know what to say. huk. i suppose he just pointed out how so many people start getting interested in people just because people are interested in them. huk. so true, so true. and as in case of my homeboy, things that happen like that don’t work out. it’s better to be friends first. *cough. i just told him this tonight too… and he agreed. heh. especially since i brought up the example of a certain psycho girl. ^__^ anyways. somewhere i read… (i think it was on ahram’s aa page) how if you get to be too much of a ‘homie’ to the guy you’re with, it won’t work out because he’ll see you as one of the ‘boys’. but isn’t that sort of what a relationship IS about? you get with someone who you are comfortable around, can say anything to, can not get tired of…? can… experience life with? i guess? so what if you’re comfortable? doesn’t that show that you know each other for who you really are? nothing fake, nothing hidden. right now it’s getting to a point where i don’t know what the heck i am talking about… well, i do, but it’s not something that i know because i’ve never experienced such a thing. hope i do. hope i do. oh yeah hyun said another reason he thinks people cheat… is because they got with someone who they never really took the time to get to know… and just based everything on initial attraction or whatevers… and then just stayed together because they were in denial that they spent so much of their life with this person who they THOUGHT was right for them… but then when they find out that person isn’t, it’s too late to turn around and change the course of things…? interesting? quite. cynical? quite. am i? yep. so do i agree? yep.

anyways tonight i just worked… and worked and worked. and then josh picked me up and we went to esther / andrea / carolynn’s apartment to kick it for a little while and then we came back home cause the residents wanted to sleep =T twas alright. kinky girl is… kinky -__-; weird guy hit on me on work today ugh. some guy who talks too much and is an army sargeant or something. he told my boss to tell me, “tell her that sargeant hobo-billy-bob-something-or-other may want to ask her out today if she wants a honorable guy. if she wants a player or something, she can look elsewhere.” nikka puhleez. -__-; he’s like a bajillion years older than me huk. if he had said that to me, i was thinking about saying, “but that’s illegal! i just turned 16!” but he told my boss instead. what a party pooper dude.

oh yes. new nickname for seungbum. son of a bum. har har. i’m so clever. =) dude, the sun is coming up. heh. i shall go to sleep now, since it’s 5:06 am. -__-;;

brainstorm
take me away from the norm
i got to tell you something
this phenomenon
i had to put it in a song
and it goes like:
amber is the color of your energy
shades of gold displayed naturally
you ought to know what brings me here
you glide through my head blind to fear
* 311 - AMBER *
i’m diggin this song… SO SO SO SO much. the “amber is the color of your energy . shades of gold displayed naturally” line… man… i fucking love.

i’m listening to… — “special k” bai placebo [rock], “screaming infidelities” bai dashboard confessional [rock], “six underground” bai sneaker pimps [trip-hop], “back to you” bai john mayer [rock], “dummy (rmx)” bai portishead [trip-hop]
i feel… — liberated. puhaha. way to exhaust the word.

9:22 am — dude, i can’t believe i forgot to write… a couple days ago in chinese class we were talking about the president and stuff…. and guess what this guy said he saw bush saying on tv?? he said that the depleting ozone layer wasn’t such a bad thing because we would have longer summers and more time for recreation. HAHAHA. what a dumbass.

12:20 am — haha… wOohOo… to describe the day i must choose the word: l i b e r a t i n g. i don’t think i have ever used that word in my life… but i shall use it today. so again i am reminded of the fact that… drugs float my boat. puheehee. i went to take my economics midterm this morning… aht, sad. i think i did quite bad. i’m fearful of my gpa this quarter… -__-;; anyways. after that i came home, finished my report for speech and hearing sciences that is due tomorrow, and called up the boys to go toke a toke toke. seungbum and josh were already high by the time i got to chol’s… so whatevers. we watched tv for a while… wOo! i finally have watched the power puff girls! =) they’re so cute dude! especially the green one ^__^ so we drove… rather, chol drove (he was only sober one) to south center… and we just ate… and yes. i really wanted to go shopping today… which is why we went to the mall… but GOD it was so pointless! don’t go shopping when you’re high! shizzo… barely even paid attention to anything. i remember everything as a dreamlike blur only. heh. random: do you guys know where the word BLOG came from? hehe. =P i know tony knows… but most other normal people probably don’t, yes? ^__^ we came back and… ate some more… and seungbum passed out (god, he sleeps sooooo freaking muuuuuuch shizzo!!!) and “castaway” was on tv… haha slow as FUCK but it was pretty interesting. actually, it ended faster than i thought it would have. which is… weird. what a sad movie with a twisted weird ending! americans are weird! “american beauty” was such a foreek show and it won so many awards. i do not understand. anyways… no raving for me until divalicious… which actually seems tangible since i am not going this weekend and i won’t be in washington for the next two weekends after that. hah. and yes yes yes… today was quite liberating because for once i had nothing school-related to do… no work… no freaking stress!! rare occasions indeed. i hope there are more of these in the summertime >__<

i’ll describe the way i feel
weeping wounds that never heal
can my savior be for real
or are you just my seventh seal?
no hesitation, no delay
you come on just like special k
just like i swallowed half my stash
i never ever want to crash
i’m on sinking sand
gravity
no escaping gravity
* PLACEBO - SPECIAL K *
this song is strangely… addictive. weird. these are the lines always stuck in my head, though.

i’m listening to… — “no more terror” bai lee junghyun [korean], “part of a fool” bai juwata [r&b], “rockstar” bai jimmy eat world [rock], “softer” bai jimmy eat world [rock]
i’m feeling… — eh.

12:14 pm — you know how there’s deja vu? did you know there was a jamais vu? which i guess is just the opposite… a surreal feeling, i suppose?

6:33 pm — man, i’m depressed as fuck today. hmm people are such bitches. life is such blah bullshit. hmmm something i wrote on may 30th… applies now more than it did when i wrote it, i guess.

i strive for a natural high that will last a lifetime. i’m sick of feeling this way… lost, empty… with no direction, no goals in life. i’m tired of being myself. isn’t it odd that i try to do good but turn out selfish in everything that i do and everything i feel. jealousy controls me though i pretend it doesn’t. god. i baffle myself. i wish i could feel true happiness again. i wish i could rid this stress on my back to channel my anger into something good, to use my will towards something better. i’m sick of it all… being alone on my own. i wish i could regain the life that once flowed through these veins. what’s left i do not recognize… nothing is the same.
12:12 am — and why do some people even BOTHER IM-ing with stuff like, “what are you doing?” - “nothing” and then stop talking? what a waste of energy. shit. leave me alone!2:10 am — heh. so i guess i like him more than i am willing to admit. i feel so weak! it’s like… hah, i don’t know what it’s like, but i just feel so… huk… i’ll tell you when i find a word. =T weak is the closest thing i can think of. -__-; like… he makes me weak? blah. not something i enjoy admitting. -__-; so… i was just visiting suejung’s place and the dude she was seeing was going to go visit her, but he could only visit if his friend brought him… and his friend wouldn’t bring him unless he had something to do there. so this dude she’s seeing was going to ask if i’ll kick it with his friend… and sue was like… “she’s not like your usual girl. she likes pretty boys and skaters.” and he’s said something along the lines of, “oh well, let me talk to her.” and so he was like, “are you going to be there for a while?” and i said i was going home soon because i have a midterm tomorrow… and he’s like… “will you just meet my homeboy?” and i was like, “no.” and he’s like… “damn, you’re blunt.” haha. surprised? yes, i am quite the blunt girl. i believe in keeping it real… although i do feel i have been less blunt since i’ve come to washington. *shrug. guess i don’t voice my opinion as much here. i do not know why. anyways. twas funny to me.

songs of the moment — “new beginning” bai finch [rock], “without you here” bai finch [rock], “if you don’t, don’t” bai jimmy eat world [rock], “yume wo kasanete” bai s.e.s. [japanese], “deep porn” bai ak1200 [drum’n'bass]
mood — …

12:54 am — so, the reason i keep a journal… so i can waste even more time. so i can relish in my pointless existence. etc., etc., etc. well, at least i’m not fooling myself into believing there’s some greater good. blah. okay, no one knows what i’m talking about, but that’s okay. once again tonight my boss approached me asking me what my goals were. what i wanted to be. i said - once again - a magazine journalist, godammit. and once again i received the same sarcastic, “oh yeah, you want to do it because it interests you and you think it is fun.” is there really something so wrong with wanting to do something with your life that you enjoy? and! my boss purposely schedules me for sunday mornings because he thinks i shouldn’t go raving because it is a bad environment. puhleez. sure, it’s not like angelic or anything, but if i really wanted to do any of the ‘bad things’ that went on in raves, i would do them regardless of whether i rave or not. blah. excuses… excuses for everything.

i don’t understand myself. i don’t understand why i do some of the things i do. i think fear… intimidation… governs a lot of my decisions. i’m not one to really take risks. i used to think i was… perhaps… but now that i think about it… nope. it takes me a bajillion years to decide to do anything that’s worth anything. if that makes sense.

honestly, i can’t wait to go back to cali. i miss everybody. *sniff. i miss having a car too. i miss my house. i miss my food… i miss my parents? wow… i actually do. if that isn’t a first, i don’t know what is. ugh. moving out of the dorms is going to be a pain in the butt x 100. oh well. it’s whatevers. i have to say i am glad the quarter is over because i tell myself that i must do better next quarter… but then again i wish this quarter were longer so i could make up for my mistakes. but isn’t that how i always feel? -__-; aht, such a disappointment. must… shape up. i hope. time passes so fast. i don’t know why i’m thinking about that these days… it’s not usually something i think about. since i’ve come to college, i guess i’ve actually learned who i really care about… from back home and from here. i know who i can live without and who i can’t imagine living without. eh, well, obviously i can imagine, but i’d prefer not to. the others, i just really don’t give a damn if i never talkd to again. *shrug.

by the way. hukimajity is my new word, and i bet none of you know how to pronounce it, but oh well. if you do, i’ll give you a cookie. fo rizzo. a cookie i will buy with my fake husky card money.

oh, and dude. i want to blaze so bad. i’ve been wanting to since freaking… two weeks ago. i mean, i did at usc, but that didn’t really count because i felt like major poo and i was rolling too (what a good rhyme… *patting self on back). ah… blaze ha ja -__-;

oh. and i must mention. i finally saw a hot guy at my work today. about fucking time! tall white dude… man. he was freaking hot! *drool… >__< my computer needs reformatting. must… back… up… files… hukity sam. oh well. peace.

i will dedicate and sacrifice my everything
for just a second’s worth of how my story’s ending
i ish i could know if the directions that i take
and all the choices that i make
won’t end up all for nothing
show me what it’s for;
make me understand it.
i’ve been crawling in the dark
looking for the answer
is there something more
than what i’ve been handed?
i’ve been crawling in the dark
looking for the answer
help me carry on
assure me it’s okay to
use my heart and not my eyes
to navigate the darkness
will the ending be ever coming suddenly?
will i ever get to see the ending to my story?
so when and how will i know?
how much further do i have to go?
how much longer until i finally know?
cause i’m looking and i just can’t see
what’s in front of me
* HoOBASTANK - CRAWLING IN THE DARK *

songs of the moment — “bad girl” bai dj rap [breaks], “into eternity” bai dj mystik [trance], “destination sunshine” bai balearic bill [trance], “untouchable” bai garbage [rock]
mood — i’m not quite sure. not bad, not good.

4:48 pm — haha… couple of random things i’ve been thinking about. how come i’ve never seen a black girl at rave? -__-; actually i probably have and i just don’t remember, but they are definitely very outnumbered there. second… you know those love songs that are so cornbally like, “you are my everything, you are my world, i would die without you”, etc. etc.? haha… i was wondering… do those people who write those cornbally lyrics ever like cheat on those people who they write it about? probably, since people are poo… so that’s pretty whack in the ass. hehe. oh well. whatevers. yeah yeah, weird shit goes through this head of mine. hmm… click here for proof of vivian’s boredom T_T; i stole from liz who stole from someone else. i don’t know why i did it. ah, well.

10:25 pm — just got back from eating korean food with seungbum and carolynn… wOo! (stupid tony was supposed to go but said no! chee!) long time no eat korean food. twas good. that place is exciting cause they give so much panchan… or whatever it’s called… the xiao cai… ^__^ yummay in my tummay. i’m so tired… agh. hope i can go take another nap. what a weirdo i am. haha. more random thoughts. have you ever seen a picture of yourself and thought you looked so good and then other people thought it looked funny? or had a picture of yourself in which you thought you looked so funny but other people think you look good in? isn’t that… interesting? heh. i don’t know. okay, randomness. i must go take a nap and then do homework… or something… so… goodbye!

oh, and… haha hooha… or any laugh with hooha at the end is my new laugh. =)

with every passing moment
thoughts of you run through my head
every time that i’m near you
i realize that you’re heaven sent
i think you’re truly something special
just what my dreams are really made of
let’s stay together, you and me boy
there’s no one like you around
i really like
what you’ve done to me
i can’t really explain it
i’m so into you
i really like what i feel when i’m with you
you’re a dream come true
don’t you ever leave my side
cause it feels so right
* TAMIA - SO INTO YOU *
(my response:)
dude, what tha hizzo? who clicked it 101 times?! O_o; [this entry had 101 reads](random response:)
ME!!!! IM IN LOVE WITH YOU!!! IM YOUR SECRET LOVER!!!! AND U WILL NEVER KNOW WHO I AM!!!!!!